2014

Posted on March 31, 2014 by bitPimps 中

No dancing? Gotta cut Footloose!

Welcome to Monday’s recap, I’ll be your guide throughout today’s show. If you have questions, comments, or concerns, please just keep them to yourselves until the end of the recap – at which time you can shove them right up inside your mom’s gash. Ellis still doesn’t like the show intro, so he’s going to put on his Rachel voice and do it himself and show everyone how it’s done, but that’s later. Did you know Stevie Wonder grabbed onto both of Dingo’s forearms once? Pretty rad, right? Dingo also met another blind lady once, she swam in the ocean a lot and so now her friend ties a rope around her blind ass and takes her out to sea and starts with the “Marco, Polo” shit. What a mean bitch, right? Did you know Tully had cataracts as a child? His eyeballs were slowly turning to stone! Infinity pools, like magnets, nobody knows exactly how it works, where the fuck does the water go? When Ellis had a pool, he was in it all the time, having parties by himself with the birds, dogs, deer, and shit. Dingo couldn’t go to any pool parties there because his girlfriend at the time didn’t want him to even be around porn chicks. But Tully went to one of the pool parties, he totally hit it off with Sluggo and probably could’ve gotten some, but he exercised some self control and remained an honest, loving, faithful, husband. So remember how Ellis got his new bike, went to ride moto and his chain came loose & he hurt his ankle? He went to ride this weekend, some dude saw his fucked up chain & offered to tighten it for him. He goes to pick up the bike to put it on the rack so dude could tighten up his chain and bickity-bam! He pinched something in his back. Now he needs a backiotomy. Talk turned to a local park, where Dingo for some reason dropped the word “libary”, and Will has seen men in their “underoos” dancing on tables right out in the open and next to the kiddie park he likes to hang out in. I don’t know if someone should call someone or what, but that felt weird just to type. The thing to remember here? Don’t walk your kids past The Abbey unless you’re ready to have “that talk” with them. Talk continued from both sides about whether or not nearly naked people dancing in their underwear should be allowed to do that next to a park, and the other hot button topic – Grenade Gloves customer service. After an hour of this, we get our first break.

That first time as I child when you see an amputee.

Back from the break and Kelly Osbourne laughing about Ellis shaving his arms is still on Ellis’ mind. But fuck it, he’s gonna continue to shave. A man chopped off his own hand with a homemade guillotine and is threatening to amputate more body parts unless doctors amputate his arm as well. Wilson met a fan of the show who lost his hand due to combat injuries and he shook his left hand, but he’s not sure what’s the appropriate protocol was. Was he supposed to bump elbows, as suggested in the green room? Does he bend down and kiss the nub? Handshakes. How do they work? Tully knew a dude whose brother was the Boston Strangler, so to thwart that awkward moment when people would find out who his brother was, he’d just lead off with “Hi, my name is ‘Matt’ and my brother is the Boston strangler.” That’s one hell of a power move. Wilson thinks that’s the equivelent of meeting someone in the bar with, “Hi, my name is ‘Matt’ would you blow me?” Clearly, Wilson is still thinking about the park across from The Abbey. A caller got a surprise when he went to shake hands with someone and next think he knew, he was shaking hands with a man sporting crab hands. Does Jetta like wheels? He must think they’re a little important because he claims they transport coal across the country. I’m calling bullshit on that. Also, Jetta will be spinning the wheel-of-doom soon, so that’s something to look forward to. In the meantime, it was time to name some new Wolfknives. I don’t normally mention any of the names because it’s too much to keep track of, but “Blow Gay Simpson” is a pretty fucking amazing name, given by Tully of course. We salute you Blow Gay Simpson!

Shitty moto news? Deal with it.

Moto News time and Supercross was in St. Louis this past weekend. James Stewart won for the third consecutive time. Points leader Villopoto came in second and Barcia came in third. Alessi got a shot in the hole and quickly slipped into his second hold with no Tickle time. Ellis is sticking with his prediction of an overall Villopoto win for the season and blah, blah, blah. Sorry, I’m not as good at Moto News as Dingo so I’m just going to stop. Oh. I forgot to mention that Danny Kass has asked a couple times if Death! Death! Die! would play at the Grenade Games, sounds like Ellis and Tully are all for it. Ellis wants him and Dingo do some sweet moto jumps with Dingo, over my sweet Tully, making for a sweet picture. No lame jumps and no lame licks. Time for a game, “Finish the phrase” and it’s about umm, finishing the phrase. Dingo did horrible and surprising, Ellis didn’t do so bad. Regardless, here are a few of the gems:

Dingo: Absinthe makes for a fun night out with your friends.
Ellis: Absence makes for a lonely vag.
Answer: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Dingo: Armed to the future!
Answer: Armed to the teeth.

Dingo: What kind of horse was it? I would normally say eyes. In it’s plastic wrapping?
Answer: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

Dingo: Long in the nose. Wait, long in the face!
Answer: Long in the tooth.

Dingo: Your eyes are bigger than life.
Answer: Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.

Dingo: Hold your feet to the bone. Hold your feet to the sky.
Answer: Hold your feet to the fire.

Coming up next, TeenWorf.

Dingo: In the country of the blind, Stevie Wonder’s partying.
Ellis: In the country of the blind, everyone is Michael Jackson.
Answer In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.

Dingo: A flash in the dark is worth two in the bush.
Ellis: A flash in the hand is worth two in the bush
Answer: A flash in the pan.

Dingo: Cut the fat off.
Ellis: Cut the cloth off Jesus.
Answer: Cut the mustard.

We went to break and next thing we knew, Christian and TeenyWolfy Posey were in studio to help come up with a new Death! Death! Die! song for Posey to be a part of. Fans called in and tweeted some lyrics to try and help, which is always a fun time, and that closed out the show – which ran long, past where anything would be recorded – but that’s alright because the professionals took notes and can handle the rest. After all, they have #1’s on the charts, just like your mom has #1’s in her mouth to make ends meat. OH!

Whaaaaat?

Show Recap for Thursday 3/20/2014

Posted on March 20, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Hey-oh!!! I finished listening to the show at like seven thirty for once…but due to the fact that I have a Hubbs and a Bub and a Pup to take care of…I still didn’t get a chance to start writing this thing until almost 11 at night. On the plus side…I found 40 bucks in the street tonight, so I’m going to go ahead and take that as Karma saying, “Keep fighting the good fight, bitch,” and keep doing what I’m doing. It would have been nicer to find a hundo…but beggars really can’t be choosers and I’m going to shut up about it before Karma thinks I’m ungrateful and my laptop crashes or something.

Opening up The Jason Ellis Show is that new intro that I’m sort of not really a hundred percent on, and neither is Ellis. According to him, it’s almost there, and he and Tully really love Aidan Ashley (who is the new voice on the intro) but it’s still a little bit lacking. To me…it’s still a lot lacking. I dunno…I turned to Hubbs after hearing it for the first time and said, “It sounds like she’s sad.” Because…she sounds like she’s sad. But, the good news is that Tully and Ellis both agree that there is indeed some more tweaking to be done before the show intro is where they want it and will be happy with it…at least for a while until they get the urge to change it again. They talk about perhaps sending out Kevin and Jetta to recruit people on the street to be featured reading from the script while working out, which brings Tully to the subject of working out in general. Tully tells Ellis and all of us that he started the Onnit Naked Challenge again this morning (after intending to do it for the past 5 months or so) and he did it in his backyard, which was embarrassing. Why did it make Tully so red in the face? Well, other than the fact that he was working out (if you aren’t getting all hot and sweaty then you just aren’t doing it right ladies and gentleman), there’s the fact that his wife’s office faces the backyard and he got super winded from doing the five minute exercise. Also, he spent the fifteen ensuing minutes walking around the house hiding from his wife while he recovered from the five minute workout, and he thought it was embarrassing because she sees buff guys at the gym. He does look at the brighter side and say that hopefully his wife sees it as, “well, at least he cares enough to try and get off his pudgy ass and is trying to get in shape”, or something like that. Ellis commiserates because, as we all know, he hasn’t been feeling on top of his game over the last couple of weeks and working out is hard. But it’s all about the big picture, guys, cause once Tully and Ellis get over their workout/fitness/bitchfest hump then their lives will be better for having had the struggle and the power to overcome. Yadda yadda…something inspirational.

This fitness talk spews into variety being the spice of life and the guys talking about whether they would pick a diet of bland food but the ability to sleep with a new woman every night over the tastiest diet of all time and having to be monogamous. Ellis doesn’t really see the allure of bland food and sex with a different girl every night, cause chances are you’ll be eating bland food and having bland sex. Tully says that, if he weren’t in the situation he were in (i.e. if he weren’t married and a daddy) he would choose the bland food and the endless sex buffet because he thinks it would be cool to just have sex with different chicks all of the time. Yeah, he knows that not all of them would be a ten in the sack, but I think he thinks it would be interesting because he would never really know what he was going to get. I mean, a bitch can talk all sorts of game and then lay in bed like a dead fish where a quiet little bunny turns into a fucking beast in the sack. That’s what I would find interesting about that deal and therefore I am attributing these thoughts to Tully as well, because he’s a deep thinker. Not to be mistaken, Tully does clarify that he is perfectly happy in the situation that he is in, but sometimes he likes to get all thoughtful and ponder the things that will never happen to him now that he has a ball and chain and baby to boot. They take a lot of calls at this point on love and relationships, hot sad wives, being stuck in a rut of dating the same kind of hot chick that never works out in the long run, and doing steroids and our favorite hosts dole out their winning advice of sounds like you need to move to a warm climate, try dating ugly chicks and stop meeting ladies at the bar, and don’t do steroids.

Steroids gets them back to talking about fitness because Tully says that he doesn’t think chicks are really into overly muscle-y dudes anymore. That was so totally an 80’s thing. And, speaking on behalf of the female population, no, we are not in to super muscle-y guys. Yeah, there are some chicks that dig that- mostly because they are probably super shallow and can’t find two neurons in their head to rub together long enough to get a synapse to fire and therefor just need something overtly manly to ogle and desire, but most chicks I know and most chicks I talk to…we want a regular guy. Yeah, it’s nice if you’re a fit guy who doesn’t get winded walking down the block, but guys with tons of muscles are horrible cuddlers. It’s like trying to get all mushy with a rock. A fresh chip of the boulder rock, not an ocean wave softened rock. But fitness has become a status symbol in society. It’s part of the package. You know that you’ve made it if you have a lot of money, have a good job, know how to dress yourself, drive a nice car, go out to schmancy restaurants, and are still fit. Fit is the cherry on top of the ‘you’re doing good in life’ sundae. I think it partly has to do with the fact that what is seen as ideal in society is often the thing that is hard to attain. Back in the day when lots of people were basically starving all of the time, being fat was the ‘in’ thing to do. People knew that you had it going on because you could afford to not only eat, but to indulge to the point where you were overweight while they continued digging their future grave in their backyard that would only ever get partially dug because they’d die from starvation in the process. Just like anorexia and bulimia are big in the fashion world because a model figure is seen as ideal…it is not something everyone can have and even the people who do have it try and kill themselves to maintain it. Now, we’re on a binge of fitness. Not really the worst thing ever. But it’s hard. It is hard to work all of the time, have a family, eat right, and get a workout in there. I know, because I’m the bitch who works out at home at midnight in her kids’ room cause he’s sleeping in my bed. So yeah..fitness equates with status. But also…sometimes you just want to eat pizza for dinner and then a breakfast burrito with cheese and bacon the next morning. The struggle is real.

Back from the break, Tully let’s us know that, at some point, they will be doing the Unsigned Bands segment again on the show and if you have an unsigned band and want to send in some tunes, send it to submittoellis@gmail.com and maybe you’ll hear your band get made fun of on the radio. Or, you may even hear your band get a rare ‘hey, this isn’t completely shitty’ type of shout out. Also, Ellis and Tully have put out the call for props to have in the studio for guests to take instagram pictures with, so if you have something that you think they would like, please feel free to send them a picture and or description of that item to the above email address as well.

It’s time for, what may very well be, my favorite game on the show!!! The Etsy Thing! Which there is no intro for, so Wilson, where are you?!?!? Say some shit and let’s throw an intro together. What? What’s that Will? You don’t like doing intros and think that it’s embarrassing? But you’re so good at them! No one does them like you do (except for maybe THC, but he’s basically cheating by being as awesome as he is) and this game has been played a handful of times and needs an intro! Eventually Will spits some wonderful phrases out for an intro in return for Jetta doing a guest HateBean song, which he doesn’t completely suck at doing- but I had a way better idea for a chorus than the shit that he spewed, for the record, and now it actually is time for the Etsy Thing. The Etsy Thing, for anyone who doesn’t know, is when the guys have to guess what a random item on Etsy (on online store for random homemade shit) is being sold for. The items today were:

A hanging hairless cat bat sculpture for the lowlow price of $40
A fart in a jar for the bargain of $54
A magical living god ring that brings luck and genie wishes for $3000
A Camo/Hunter Orange knitted cock cozy for $12 (a steal!!!!)
A Fecal Love Mixtape with Authentic Pubic Hair for $17.14
Petrified Whale Vertebrae for $70
Prehistoric Fossil Poop for $12
A Taxidermy Toad coin purse for $25 (but you can’t have it, Ellis bought it)
Cock and Balls Catnip holding dick for $20
Crochet Boob Pillow with hand and nipple ring for $38
Alien Sex Business Card Holder for $9.99 (Tully swooped in and bought that one)
The Original Boob Scarf for $25
Hand Crafted Wood Flogger for $139.99

Ellis won the game and there were a lot of good and bad guesses and they were all pretty neck and neck up until the end. Tully is overall the best at the game, in my opinion, because he goes all deep into the mind of the Etsy folk and usually only gets a point snagged because he’s over when other people are off but under. That’s what she said. Maybe. But probably not. Before the break Tully rattles off some props that they may be interested in for instagram photos which include a conehead, chimp hands, blonde mullet wig, Viking helmet, hot dog hat, and battlesword.

Back from the second break Tully tells us that CumTard introduced him to a new genre of music that he is pretty sure a genuine attempt at creating a new genre and isn’t a joke. The genre is gay rap and the movement is being fronted by a rapper from Louisiana named Fly Young Red with his latest single called ‘Throw That Boy Pussy’ the video of which Ellis wouldn’t want his children to see because he doesn’t want to have to explain that to them yet. Upon saying this, Ellis thinks about how there is the existing double standard because if there were girls in place of the guys in the video he wouldn’t think twice about letting his children watch it, but if this video came on while his kids were in the living room he would get up and change the channel. Tully thinks that’s perfectly acceptable because there’s a difference between being against homosexuality and whatnot and not wanting to have to explain something to your kids just yet. Tully then brings up ‘The Gay Agenda’ and honestly, I’m not even touching that. I hate that phrase in genera for its inherent negative connotations. Gay people aren’t trying to take over the world, guys, they’re just trying to live in it.

Now…time for Hollywood News! There’s a lot going on in Hollywood, first on the list being that Pamela Anderson has come out and said that her children (who are 16 and 17) now know that she has a sex tape. They have not seen it, because no one wants to see their mom in that position…ever…but they do know that it exists. Tully brings up how it seems that there were more sex tapes being leaked back when you had to make a sex tape with an actual camcorder, as opposed to now where everyone has a perfectly capable camera in their pocket on the phone. Ellis thinks it’s because camera phones and phones are a major downer in the sack, but a camcorder makes you feel like you’re making a porno. Joe Francis (The Girls Gone Wild Guy) has said that he and his chick are ready to have a baby. Well…what if he has a girl? Ellis doesn’t think it matters either way because he’s pretty sure that Joe Francis plans on spending very little time with his child and is just ‘ready to have a baby’ to make his chick, who is super hot, happy. Mace…or Mase…or…I dunno, but he was a rapper turned religious guy turned rapper turned religious guy again back in the day and then fell off the radar, but he’s back in the news. He and his wife have a book and built a whole church and business about how to have a marriage as happy as theirs, and TMZ just recently discovered that Mace/Mase filed for divorce last year. The couple appear to have patched it up and are still together…but lol…have a marriage as good as ours that almost completely fell apart!!! Although, you can also look at it as…they’re marriage was about to end, but they managed to work it out and are still together. That’s called optimism, I believe. In some sad news, L’Wren Scott was found hanged in her apartment and her death has been ruled a suicide. She was a model/fashion designer, as well as being in a 12 year relationship with Mick Jagger, who was devastated by the news of her death. There are a lot of rumors surrounding her suicide, including her company being millions in the hole, Mick Jagger breaking up with her (which he denies), and The Rolling Stones hating her. Whatever the reason, it’s sad news, so I’m not going to make any jokes about it.

Back from the third break Tyler Posey, newest member of Death Death Die is in the studio. He is pumped to be back hanging out with Ellis and Tully and is even wearing a Wolfknives shirt, which is beyond awesome…and now…all of a sudden, the influx of really young sounding callers over the past couple of months is making more and more sense. TyPo chats with Ellis about Teen Wolf and is super happy that Ellis watches it, and they talk about him being in the band playing the Keytar, then get him to riff on the keytar and they share some stories, most notably one where Ellis tells about how the Burn Out King pulled off the Ultimate Burn Out in honor of Ellis’ father after he died and it was the burn out to end all burn outs. It was a pretty touching story, all things considered, and you could tell that it really meant a lot to Ellis. TyPo was a great, adorable guest, and although I can’t tell him from a hole in the wall I followed him on Instagram when Ellis tagged him in a photo cause if Ellis likes him, he can’t be all that bad, right?

Things we learned on the show today:

Devin has a bladder infection and Ellis was up at 345 AM meanwhile the Mummy slept until 11

Rick is a lovely guy

Women hate when you say “All women…”

Ellis is getting his RCH bike tomorrow

Valhalla Rising was a sick Viking movie #mudrape

It’s the Mexrichauns fault the TV keeps shutting off

Ken Block has a barbecue on his truck better than the one at your house

Vikings made awesome swords 800 years before anyone else did

You knew you were in with Dee if she brought you a bowl of nuts

Ellis had to put together Devin’s Heely’s and that’s pretty fucked up

The shocker should not be your go to sex move

James Franco doesn’t smoke weed

All Australians can do the best burn outs ever

Tiggie things a period is something that makes your butt explode in your pants

TyPo wants Ellis to dock him (and yeah…I had to google wtf that meant)

Hardcore’s girlfriend wants to have sex with TyPo

TyPo and Ellis both have dagger tattoos…cause they’re brothers, duh

Will’s life is made up of Pink Floyd, Lanyards, and Beans

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 1/23/2014

Posted on January 23, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Yeah…I’m starting this recap at a quarter after 11 at night, which is a full four hours (with some extra minutes thrown on top like sprinkles…because…everything is better with sprinkles) after the show ended. And, I always post the recap super late after the show. Why? You may be wondering? Well, because I drive around in a truck all day trying to fix shit and it takes me way more than four hours to listen to the show, and then when I get home I have to be a mom because the baby comes home on Thursday and I can’t find it in myself to ignore him after he’s been gone for two whole days and is beyond excited to see Jenny and Daddy…so I run around being the Robin to his Batman, the Craig to his Sanjay, and the Hermione to his Ron until I can put him to bed, cook dinner, and then negotiate rubs with Joe because I want to get this done and can’t his massage wait until after I’m finished typing because I swear on all that is Ho–no wait…I’m an atheist…I swear on all that is the Chubby Bub that if he waits until after I’m done then the rubs will be extra good? Yeah…that’s what I’m getting at. I swore on the life of my kid that I would give him a bitchin’ massage so long as I could get this done first. For you, ellisfam, for you.

Now…to your regularly scheduled programming…

Welcome to Thursday’s edition of The Jason Ellis Show where anything goes!!! Well, for one thing, Ellis’s youth is going- far, far away, as far as he will tell it, for he now has white hair a-sproutin’ on his ball sac. He finds it weird, but kind of funny, and now his balls sort of remind him of Santa Claus. Santa does carry a sack…so…works for me. Jason also says that he thinks that he is weirdly tan for a white guy, must be all the drugs, and that makes the white hair poking out of the flesh of his testicles even more weirdly amusing. Tully, who is not wearing shoes and is laying on the floor of the studio because once upon a time he said that he was going to do that, thinks that ball hair is the single most grotesque element of the male figure. Damn. But he’s enjoying laying on the studio floor so long as he doesn’t look at himself in the mirrored ceiling. Ellis disagrees with Tully about ball hair….as long as it’s white ball hair, because white ball hair is about as offensive as eyelashes. Tully has really light hair on his nuts- a pretty strawberry blonde hue, which is also pretty offensive- and they start talking about selling pubic hair creations on the one site where anything is possible so far as crafting goes- Etsy.

Ellis starts talking about his Porsche that he’s had for about a year now and how he (Katie) accidentally found secret compartments in the doors that he didn’t know were there- because he’s a man and men don’t read manuals, especially when you’re a man who can hardly read anything- and they were chock full of goodies left there by the previous owner, the illustrious Thomas Hayden Church. There was some speak of goodies that are oftentimes held by lanyards which brought Will into the studio in a flurry of lanyard excitement and we were treated to hearing some more from our new favorite one man band HateBean. Will then tells Ellis and Tully how he got a really angry phone call from a Faction listener at 7:30 in the morning about HateBean being played too much on Faction and he was pissed about it and gave the caller another number to call, when we all know that he should have given the caller the information for the website link to the Faction Board of Directors aka the appropriate place to talk about the music that is played on Faction- according to Will. Then Will had shit to do and left the studio paving the way for Tully to tell us about his visit to the dentist this morning. Tully admittedly has horrible teeth and hates going to the dentist and says that usually it’s a big ordeal and doesn’t get the normal order for a 6 month check up and is instead told that he should come back the next month- supposedly to have some teeth yanked out of his face. Ellis tells him that he should get silver teeth, and I agree, because that’s kind of hot. But they should be pointy, because if you’re gonna go for a mouth full of metal teeth, you may as well go pointy and scare me a little. Tully said that the dental hygienist girl was cute and he engaged in some innocent flirting with her (read- he talked about his kid since that’s his go-to small talk, but probably did it with a really awkward grin on his face stretched around that plastic thing they shove in your mouth to keep you from biting the dentist) and everything was going okay in the flirting department until she looked in his mouth and the tide changed. He got a cleaning today and left the office with a sour stomach after swallowing all of the gunk the dentist scraped off his molars and the hygienist neglected to suck out of his mouth. Ew. That’s wayyyyyyyy more offensive than white ball hair. Christian pops up in the prize chamber and he is going to be on the show tomorrow…and for a while today since he’s there and Ellis starts talking to him about HateBean and Will being a modern day Beck, at which point i tuned out a little because Joe spit on me (sort of on accident) and we were laughing about that for a bit. Because for some reason that was really funny, and it’s funnier now since it’s sort of like foreshadowing. For what? Wait and see, my friends, wait and see…

In Hollywood News….Justin Bieber was arrested in Florida this morning, in Miama, for drag racing while under the influence of being Justin Bieber. Or drugs…probably drugs. He resisted arrest, admitted to smoking pot and taking some prescription meds and failed the field sobriety test. He was driving a yellow Lamborghini that he had rented and he and the car that he was ‘racing’ were pulled over for doing 60 in a 35. Fast and Furious that one is. The real reason he got pulled over? The cop wanted to make a dick out of him for doing 60 in a car that can go around 200 MPH and reveal the Biebs for the little weenie that he is.

Ellis is still sick, but he feels awesome today, compared to the death that he was feeling over the past week. The kids are also on the mend and Ellis made an offhand comment about how someone stole his phone this morning and didn’t want to give it back. Wait. What? I’m envisioning a scenario where caps are gonna bust asses when he first says it, but it turns out that when Ellis was sropping McSpiegels off at school this morning a lady outside of the school asked to borrow his phone because she HAD to make a call right that second. Ellis, being the good guy that is buried under all those tattoos somewhere, lent the lady his phone so she could make her call. Let the foot tapping begin. The lady starts walking off and chatting in another language, and Ellis starts walking Tiggs to the school, as they were both generally going in that direction. Enough time for an ’emergency’ phone call to be said and done, but the lady is still talking and Ellis gets the lady’s attention to try and say ‘Hey, this is where I’m going, give me back my phone’ and she goes to follow him into Tiger’s school. Ellis manages to stop her without being all “what the fuck are you doing?” (which is my go-to) and eventually gets his phone back from the lady- who acts all put out about it. Seriously, bitch? But, I mean, this is Beverly Hills, and she was a Beverly Hills lady, so of course she felt entitled to go chit chatting away on some strangers phone and how dare he have places to be and need that phone back!!!!!!! They talk about bitches in Beverly Hills and the surrounding areas and how they have a rampant sense of self-entitlement, which is probably aided by prescription medication, and tend to bump into cars and run over dogs without stopping because, well, your Porsche isn’t even this year’s model you low-life.

Christian and Ellis are the fattest that they have ever been in their lives, which is already sort of kind of untrue because Ellis started the Dolce Diet two days ago and he is already feeling better about himself. Huntington Beach Bad Boy (who popped up in the studio about two and half minutes prior to this) started the Dolce Diet four weeks ago and he has lost some weight, is looking good, feeling great, and shows off his abs to Ellis, Tully, and Christian. Ellis talks about how Dolce hit the nail on the head with the whole ‘eat frozen grapes at night’ thing, which Ellis had been skeptical about, and also texted Ellis a new snack idea consisting of that weird bread they eat that I don’t want to try and spell right now, almond butter, and strawberries. Ellis tells Christian about Tyler Posey being their new band mate and how it’s great because even if TyPo can’t make it for a show, they just need to throw a wolf costume on someone and tell him not to tweet for an hour and all of the bases will be covered.

Back from the break Nick Gullo (@NickTheTooth on tweeeeeter) is in the studio. Do you know who he is? Because I didn’t, but he’s been friends with Dana White since they were kids and he wrote a book about all things behind the UFC scenes called Into the Cage: The Rise of the UFC Nation. Sounds like a pretty interesting book filled with all sorts of goodies that no other press has ever gotten their hands on because they don’t have connections like someone who has been friends with the founder of the UFC organization since childhood. Ellis says it has a lot of really cool photos that he can’t wait to look at later in life when he has some extra time on his hands. Nick the Tooth was a really great guest and if you didn’t get a chance to hear him, my recap will do him no justice, so hopefully you can listen to it on demand. They talked about him being able to pull of the ‘look’ of missing a tooth from the front of his face, lotslotslotslots of UFC stuff including a story about how he fought/sparred/tussled with Joe Lauzon in the actual octagon after a drunken dinner fight between Nick and someone wearing a Lauzon shirt, Dana White’s dark side, the evolution of the UFC, boxing, kickboxing, training, and all of that awesome good face-punching stuff. Like I said, I really enjoyed him as a guest and I could basically transcribe the entire segment, but it still wouldn’t be the same as listening to it. Grappling. He called it a grappling match with Joe Lauzon!! I remembered the word!!! Nick does apparently want a rematch of that grappling match, where he was submitted 6 times by Lauzon, because he believes that he can get it down to being submitted 5 times as he trains and he won’t be hungover next time.

Back from the next break….there is another guest who Will is super excited about having on the show because he loooooooooooooves her. Dillion Harper, is not just any Porn Star, she is the 22 year old Porn Star of Naughty Nanny fame whom Will is absolutely over the moon for!!! During this segment I am basically imagining him as having the heart eyed emoji for a face throughout with his hands clasped in front of him in a plea to God that this moment in his life never ever ever end. Or at least he would, if Ellis and Tully didn’t make the whole experience an absolutely terrible ordeal for him by asking him normal questions that anyone would ask like, ‘what do you like most about her’ .Will says that he likes her eyes and her personality (which really sets my creeper radar off because normally a guy would be like ‘she has awesome tits’ and he’s seriously moon eyed for her to the point where he’s trying to talk about a porn star’s acting ability) but eventually is cajoled by Tully into pointing at which part of her he really likes on a picture. It’s her boobs. Biiig surprise there. Ellis asks to see her boobies so that he can get an accurate idea of how fabulous they are, and judges them to be just about the best boobies in America. And yes, they are all hers.

After Dillion leaves the studio it’s time for a game. With no name. But it might be named What’s in my Box? The jist is that listeners call into the show and choose either option A- to receive a prize, or B- to torture Cumtard. The catch is that you don’t know if the prize that you will be receiving is awesome or awesomely bad, but the torture is guaranteed to be awesome. Callers call, the first prize is a Jason Ellis/RDS t-shirt to the selfish selfish man who would rather have a prize than be entertaining and then Cumtard is tortured by way of eating a bug-filled sandwich, drinking tea brewed by the sole of a random shoe found on the bus, having his armpits simultaneously waxed, having his pubes glued to his face Hitler-stache style, and having Ellis hock a big sick loogie across his face (see!!! there’s the bit that was foreshadowed!). Cumtard takes it all in stride, because he is awesome that way, and describes the sensations of each torture. The descriptions get worse, but more entertaining, as they turn into shrieks and screams which are dutifully narrated by Tully while Cumtard Purell’s his face and neck after being spit upon with the spunk from Ellis’ sick lungs. The last, of I believe 2, to get a prize is Allie, who is 39 and not massive, and she wins a voicemail recording from Jason Ellis himself with background music of Cumtard being shocked. It was a great recording with Cumtard screaming in the background and reached its peak of hilarity (in mine and Will’s opinion) when he starts screaming ‘after the beep’ multiple times, his voice rising an octave with each exclamation. This could be the birth of a ‘freaky sounds’ app.

Ellis’s new book is due out in a couple of weeks and has gotten its first review from Publisher’s Weekly, which Tully has heard of, and it’s a very good review. Tully is happy that they manage to see the true meaning underneath the comedy and so far as Ellis is concerned, he doesn’t ever want to hear another review of his book because that one was so awesome. They call it ‘entertaining’ and Ellis talks about how he didn’t write it- he lived it, which is awesome because it’s kind of a stock phrase for writers and Ellis makes it funny on multiple levels as he did in fact live it, and no, he did not write the book- we all know that Tully did. They get to talking about Noel Gallagher and Oasis and how he did commentary of sorts of videos that Oasis did back in the day. His commentary is hilarious in how scathing it is, how drunk he was the whole time he was shooting music videos, and Ellis and Tully agree that Oasis is cool and so is Noel Gallagher. Back to talking about the book, Ellis wants to do a stunt for the book’s release to help draw attention to himself, the radio show, the book, and SiriusXM, and he and Tully muse about ways to make it happen. The ideal setting, they conclude, would be in New York City (yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!! I swear to Sol that I will fucking be there if this is true!!!!!!) in front of or in the SiriusXM fishbowl where he will attempt to escape an enclosure before snakes can be dropped on him to bite him. They talk about getting press there, creating the spectacle, and getting on tv shows. The show wraps up with them going through the buttons and I seriously zoned out because they were playing sounds for a solid 15 minutes. Some choice commentary during this time includes: “Irish Jazz- the worst of all worlds” “that’s a theme, not a song” “you can hear his dick playing the guitar” “Jetta’s intro music may have been found” “easily Robin Hood’s balls” and “Necro….til I die”. Finally, Ellis announces that they are going to try something new and calls Cumtard in. Cumtard attempts to ahem ::cough cough:: recap the show…and he kind of really badly flops. Sorry Cumtard…this is my gig…on Thursdays, anyway…

here is how it’s done-
Things We Learned on the Show Today:

White ball hair is as inoffensive as eyelashes

Will loves injecting mystery to create drama

Be prepared to suffer the consequences if you as Kevin for a ride home on New Comic Book Wednesday

Will is a modern day Beck

There should be a hidden camera show that revolves around people borrowing strangers phones for as long as possible to see how long they can last

There are only 3 ages in Beverly Hills: young, old, and somewhere in the middle

Rich guys marry 25yo’s because they are just done listening

Huntington Beach Bad Boy can’t pick up a Boston Terrier

Hairless cats are fucking awesome and can relate to humans better since they don’t look like all the other cats

Donald Schultz got engaged (congrats!)

You can throw water into the air in subzero temperatures and it will freeze before it hits the ground (if you’re gonna try, it works best with hot water because the hotter water is the faster it freezes because science is fun like that)

Turn the WiFi up!

Am I gay or not? You decide!

You should never post your own wanted sign to taunt cops on Facebook and then meet a woman for drinks 45 minutes later

Sicilians are black

Sicilians are in the mob

Lubing up before a grappling match is not a good idea

Dana White is Dana White as you see him. No bullshit.

If something doesn’t save boxing soon, it’s going to be too late

Bloody Face is the most distracting thing in the octagon

There is an Instagram TJES/RDS giveaway…go check @wolfmate for details

Dillion Harper is probably not a good driver, but she’s a lovely person

Will’s ex wife doesn’t listen to the show, but she does ridicule him afterward (:/)

Bug Sandwiches taste like sawdust

Raw Oysters make Will vomit like Cumtard vomits for onions

HateBean has a twitter acount. So does Hate_Bean.

If you walk around with your pubic hair, it will be used against you

Oasis is cool

Randomly suggest nonsense, and music video directors will film it

Tully can’t get down the street because David Blaine is on a pole

Tweet @jasonellisshow the music that you want to hear on Faction tomorrow

Go to patriotguard.org

PatriotGuard

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/13/2014

Posted on January 13, 2014 by bitPimps 中

No Golden Globes? No problem! Have this instead.

Welcome to the 2nd Monday recap of The Jason Ellis Show for 2014! It’s already been a big day for some of us, because we congratulated @emilyinSD on her non-existent pregnancy! Chicks love that kind of stuff. Ellis is like a transcendental meteor in the media, but he’s over himself now. Kinda sad breaking news right from the get go, which required the legendary voice work of Wilson to give the show a breaking kinda sad news button. But I digress, it’s kinda sad breaking news time – Ellis now has allergies. Here at No You Are, our thoughts a prayers go out to Ellis and his loved ones, EllisFam, kids from around the world (except the sickly ones you see on TV), and the inventor the burrito vending machine. Ellis rode his kids’ crazy carts this weekend, Tully played in a bouncy house, and what did you do? Adult stuff? Gheeeey! Catching balls is hard, and that’s why the NFL exists, because they make catching balls look like it’s just a sport or something, it’s amazing. Speaking of amazing, Dwight Howard went hard in the mutha-fuckin’ paint against a child, and sometimes children need that shit just so they remember that their parents might love them, but that don’t make them jack shit in big kid world. Then we touched on The Golden Globes. I do not recap about The Golden Globes, so moving on… Ellis saw a bunch of movies over the past two weekends, like a whole lot – even 12 Years a Slave, and a movie about an old guy and a boat.

The only sport that needs less cocaine.

Pigeons, they’re everywhere, and the world of pigeon racing was recently rocked when competition homing pigeons testing positive for pain pills and cocaine. What are to tell our children when all their pigeon idols are hopped up on dope and appearing on boxes of Wheaties? This sounds like a job for the government, a group of trustworthy, unbiased minds really needs to get to the bottom of this. Guess what? It’s moto talk time, Cole Seely has been totally brain fucked, against his will, I think. Anyway, this reminded Tully of Chuck Knoblauch (knob lock) and he was in a mind fuck kind of state when he couldn’t throw a baseball for awhile. Knoblauch. He’s got the lock on the knob. Tickle time, Broc Tickle got 8th, which is in the top 10, but not the top 4, or 3, or 2. Chad Reed got Tickle timed because he came in 9th, and you just know that’s gotta put Reed in a mind fuck situation, but he’s a god damned champion and knows how to unfuck his mind. And with that, a final closing thought on sports. Cocaine needs to come back into sports, the proof is in the booger sugar pudding, it would make things so much more exciting. And how can you talk cocaine and not bring up the subject of titties? Sorry Aubrey, that’s the best segue I could muster at the time. No, we’re not talking about Aubrey Marcus’ titties, I guess we’re not talking about his girlfriend’s titties either. Yeah. We’re not talking about titties at all actually. We’re talking about a video of Whitney Miller preparing for combat and crying after she got choked out, it’s inspirational and you should watch it.

Remember when you were a kid and weren’t sure how to act?

This brought us into Tyler Posey. Who? Yes, THE Tyler Posey. But who is that? I don’t know, but apparently he smells terrific. Turns out he’s on an MTV show, Teen Wolf, and he wants to start a podcast to entertain people. I’ll have to admit, he sounds like a good kid, even though he doesn’t want to be part of the “teen” crowd any longer. He’s been disillusioned with Hollywood fame and doesn’t like how a lot of the actors / actresses are so pretentious, how they feel the world owes them something, etc. He’s thankful for what he’s got, the opportunities that he’s had, but he has aspirations to get tattoos and do radio – he wants to be Ellis. He wants to take over Rawdog’s spot, not only on the show, but in Death! Death! Die! as well. He was given the test a lot of celebrities get when they say they’re a huge fan of the show. Tully asked him, “We forgot to mention something we normally mention at the 2 o’clock hour, do you know what that is?” His answer, “Is it break time?” Ahhh, the laughs we shared. While he seems like a good kid, he is just that, a kid – as we all were once. He stuck around for the remainder of the show as Tully presented “Fill In The Blank News” to everyone. The rest of the show was spent talking to and about Tyler, the things he wants to do, who he wants to be when he grows up, the things he’s done, the inappropriate songs tween girls have sung to him, and his future possibilities. At one point, it sort of felt like you were listening to a podcast about a star on Nickelodeon, but whatever. It was better than hearing some dumb porn bimbo not have an opinion on anything other than the optimal place they would prefer to take a man’s load and then giggle with the most amazingly annoying voice you could imagine. While I wasn’t sure how in the blue fuck Tyler would be picked as a guest, once they started bantering ideas back and forth about a collaboration, I then understood. Ellis might see this as a chance to reach out to a demographic that he’s not currently known for hitting. I get it. It’s like the reason there is no black character in the game Clue, otherwise it just be called Solved. OH!

Oh, you find my jokes offensive?

Show Recap for Friday 12/6/2013

Posted on December 6, 2013 by Az_RedDragon

Welcome to the recap once again and today we found out that the show is like a bobby thingy, I’m not sure why but if that is so then the recap is like a sinker, I’m not sure why that is either but I’m sure there’s a rather insightful analogy hidden in there somewhere. Jason Ellis has his own YouTube channel but he hasn’t posted anything on there for a while but just for shits and giggles why don’t you go over there and subscribe (it’s free ya cheap bastard) in anticipation for what is to come in the near future. The Friday night UFC fights are on tonight (by now you should be used to this) and not on Saturday like usual. Rude Jude stopped in and mentioned that once he was on Kanye West song talking shit because that’s what Jude did back in the day. He also talked to J about being a kid and fucking things up in the name of childhood fun. Jude has a book coming out soon called Hyena. It’s a bunch of short stories about Jude’s life and growing up, according to Wilson, who read a few of the stories, it’s incredible. The also talked about Jude being in the new calendar as a GQ dude on yacht and he was totally down with the idea. Ellis wants to put his face lump in a mayonnaise jar after the doctor cuts it out so that he can watch crickets eat him. And then there’s The Amish. They are all uppity when it comes to electricity but those mother fuckers don’t mind a little juice when it comes to getting their arms and shit seen back on.

Mike Catherwood stopped by to say hello and then Tyler Posey of Teenwolf called in. I’m not sure what they were talking about except that apparently Tyler is a sexy piece of ass. Portos Pastrys Hilaritio and Alahandrrrrrra came in with some exciting pastries for the crew and nothing makes for better radio that a bunch of guys stuffing their faces and saying how good everything tastes. They talked about growing up in LA in the Mexican culture and the uncomfortable moments when a senile woman with a pissed out uterus holding scissors by your neck talks shit on your people. Question, Have you ever thought about killing someone you love? Not really going through with it but have you just sat there looking, thinking how you could just wrap your hands around their neck and just keep squeezing until they stop moving? Yeah me neither. Naturally this turned to talk about dick and load pics and how most chicks don’t like it but every dude likes titty and cookie pics, as long as you don’t feel like a gynecologist looking at them. And all of this naturally morphed into a conversation about relationships and Mike delivered some Hollywood insider news, they all fuck each other, and if they don’t they should. They talked and talked and talked with conversation weaving in and out like a knitters needles working a loom of vaginal wool.

Bobby Lee has started a new YouTube series called Bobby Lee Gets Shocked. But nobody cares. Mexico news, thieves stole radioactive cobalt-60 and probably died. Update boo bee boop be boop deedle dee deet dee dee deedle deet, eight Mexican dudes got picked up at a strip mall hospital that were suffering from radiation poisoning and the Federales took them away. Authorities are pretty sure there is a link. Drugs, drugs are dumb. But god damn if they aren’t fun. But be careful, sometimes the fun doesn’t stop and next thing you know you’re giving blowjobs for crack. It’s all about self control people. An official informant on radiation poisoning called and educated all of us on what happens when exposed to radiation like our Messican buddies from a minute ago, depending on how fast you read. Basically you turn into a pile of goo and get sent to Tattooine where you will become a crime ring king pin and smuggling crime lord in the Outer Rim Territories. Here’s the Chernobyl video the guys watched.

Ellis’s book, The Awesome Guide to Life, is available February 18th, but I don’t know if the foot nose rabbit story will be in there so if you didn’t hear it then you’re shit out of luck. In Final Calls we learned that you shouldn’t get married if you’re not ready, cell phones don’t really give you brain cancer but cell phone companies are trying to get phones away from you’re head just because, and Adam and Dan might be able to recap the show but not at the same time because Adam is calling in from an octopuses vagina commonly referred to as yer mum, OH!

No You Are

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Tag Archives: Tyler Posey

Show Re-Cap for Monday 3/31/2014

Show Recap for Thursday 3/20/2014

Show Re-cap for Thursday, 1/23/2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 1/13/2014

Show Recap for Friday 12/6/2013