Tag Archives: Rude Jude

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/16/14

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TWELVE!!! What the fuck are you talking about Alex? TWELVE MOTHER FUCKING DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE THIS POLLUTED PSEUDO-MECCA CALLED THE BAY AREA!!! Why is that so important, Alex? CAUSE TWELVE RHYMES WITH HELL!!! LIKE I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL COCK SMOKER!!! DON’T TRY TO FIND ME EITHER OR I’LL TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT AND SODOMIZE YOUR CHILDREN WITH IT!!! I could not be happier today folks, I’m a short ways away from kicking some serious highway ass “Road Warrior” style in my sweet ass flame-clad Dodge Ram and getting up north to kill my unfertilized future offspring in the land of poutine and venison slurpees! It’s also a nice mellow day at work and almost lunch time, which means I can devote my time to you, the reader, so that you may ingest my seed before it is permanently cryogenically disabled due to my personal distance from the equator. In case I didn’t mention it, it’s also just about time for the Jason Ellis show, which is probably the only reason either of us is here, cause I doubt we would have any interaction by way of this website if it weren’t for the best few hours of afternoon debauchery known to man. Today got underway with the question “do you really know you’re you?” cause sometimes you just need new wallpaper. Jason has been looking through old pictures of himself and hasn’t found one that doesn’t make him look fat since before he got his head tattoo. Somehow, this seems like a good time to question religion and the Madden Brothers. Tully got into a conversation about tweeting the entire bible word for word and making the first tweet “In the beginning, god created the heavens and earth #LOL” and if future content would reflect the opener, I’d follow that account forever. Benji called Tully godless, which didn’t seem like it bothered him so much. Tully got into a nice critical history of how religion and street magic are a lot more closely related than most people would probably like to admit, cause god promises eternal peace and David Blaine just stands on his tippy-toes at an angle that looks like he’s floating. Jude was in studio to remind everybody that you can actually talk into a telephone. The guys talked about the many nuances of being a call screener and how aliens coming to earth wouldn’t prove Christians wrong cause what the fuck have facts ever changed for those guys? A guy called in to discuss this point, as well as letting the guys know that he has in fact discovered a dinosaur bone, so he knows what he’s talking about. If you still insist your god is real, John Cho has a show on TV called “Selfie” and he wanders in the background leering molestingly at the Wendy’s girl (hopefully that new one that’s kinda cute, and not the pre-teen on the burger wrapper). Jason’s divorce is pretty much finalized, but in a shining display of the HIGH FUCKING CALIBER of the California legal system, the court has been stalling on making it official for the better chunk of this year. Tully floated the idea of a for-hire mediator for people who have disputes that don’t quite warrant getting the law involved, and it would be a growth industry cause some people are victims of when keepin’ it real goes wrong. The real gripe Jason has with this whole situation is that it’s very likely the ex’s new man is gonna be his kids’ stepdad and Jason is pretty much never gonna meet him. Jude got a call from his daughter who just went to college and got drunk for the first time, which made Jude happy cause it’s great to know that his kid is comfortable enough to tell him that and not the mom, and he got to pass along his own party wisdom to keep the bad element from besmirching her innocence. In a twist of racist fate, Jason tried to guess that Jude’s daughter’s favorite drink is Alize, cause it’s just like white girls and ranch dressing apparently, but he was wrong. Truth of the matter is rum and coke is how the young Angelini gets down at her Florida college. The guys talked for a bit about their favorite drinks when they had the palettes of children, Like Tully who used to drink “stingers” which is just brandy and Creme de menthe (WHY 1940’S WHY?!?!?!) or Jude who used to drink lemon drops, which is the lemonade version of a screwdriver. Myself, when I could find a guy to shoulder tap, it was Hot Damn 100 proof and Dr. Pepper, or Black Cherry Effen vodka and Monster, both fantastic choices depending how much of an adult you would like to pretend you are at any given point in the evening. There was more talk about stepchildren and not the euphemism for getting your balls massaged while you’re getting blown, but actual children that aren’t yours but you’re busting into the mom’s clit prison. Jude was cleaning his house this weekend and found a bottle of GHB and being the kind of guy not to waste a dollar, he skulled it so he could clean out the bottle for storage in the future. And of course, with expired GHB or any drugs for that matter, doing a bunch of it all at once and then recording a video diary for your podcast is a great piece of immortal internet content. Jason let Jude know that if he wants to do the Foreally show on Faction, he’s welcome to, and Jude would love that but wants to do a slightly different spin of that and include Christian “The Box of Shoes” Hand. The guys talked more about how when you’ve got kids and don’t stay with their other parent, you get the wonderful benefit of turning your new partner into a prison snitch so that you don’t have to put them in the position of getting on your children’s bad side and fucking up your life with it. It’s also good not to turn your kids against your ex’s new mate, cause that shit can land you in a shirtless back alley knife fight on the back of your Harley-Davidson wondering how the fuck you went from being the star lacrosse player in high school to shaking down hookers for enough money to get something off the dollar menu at Wendy’s. Jude stepped out to do his normal 1 to whatever time All-Out show ends and Jason took a break to rage out some parent issues.

 

AUSSIES!!! Ya fuckin’ cunts mate, this family in Melbourne was having problems when their ten year old pet goldfish was being an asshole to the other fish in the tank and VETERINARIANS WERE ABLE TO MELLOW HIM THE FUCK OUT BY REMOVING A GIGANTIC BRAIN TUMOR!!! Which ended up being the cheapest major surgery I’ve ever heard of, on a human or animal, at a mere $200 Australian! While searching for the word “gazebo” Jason reminded everybody that WILSON has been known to murder black (and other) people in a gazebo from time to time. Aside from the Madden Brothers having a new album out today, Slash with Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators also have a new album out today, and in an homage to the hard work those well recognized artists, IT’S TIME FOR UNSIGNED BANDS!!! But first, shitty music keeps finding it’s way on to the Faction with Jason Ellis airwaves and it stung in Jason’s ass like that first time he got that stress hemorrhoid after EllisMania 5. Specifically, some band (?) called K-Flay and given the name it sounds like something that belongs on fucking Clear Channel where mindless consumerism can stifle out well composed music. The guys played a clip of it and it’s exactly the kind of top 40 shit that made me buy a satellite radio to start with. Somebody called in to try and back K-Flay even though I could give less than a fraction of a shite about ever hearing it again. Right, so unsigned bands, first was a rap from some guy called $Dollaphin$ and it did nothing to redeem the failure that is K-Flay cause I honestly could not distinguish the beat and given that Cumtard’s email correspondence with him gave no further pertinent information, it would be worth forgetting. Next was a group called Nawf, featuring our old target shooting friend Cassette Coast, also part of the rap genre but much more listenable and talented rather than white guys with rich friends trying their hands at things they’ll never understand. After that was a PHONE CALL FROM CASSETTE COAST! He gave an interview with the guys for a few minutes and accepted some kudos and praise from the crew for all the work he’s sent in so far. If you wanna check out more of his stuff, it’s all over the iFunnelcrappymusicdownyourthroatwhetheryouwantitornot (we’ll cover this in a few minutes) and Amazon and Google Play store. Next in line was Cormack which started off strong with some organs and then got a little dubstep/rap-rock and Clear Channel so not particularly noteworthy in my opinion. After that was Tri-Lac (?) Commission with their track Money Hungry Bitches which had potential then immediately lost it when the guys started trying to sing/rap. Next up was A Haunt of Crows which had a slight Stone Temple Pilots vibe but atrociously bad recording so hard to put in rotation anywhere. After that was Lucky Number Tuesday which was kinda throwback and sounded like Kings of Leon, but not as good, and that’s saying something cause I don’t even like Kings of Leon and think they should be assassinated. Next was Rebel Society featuring Butterballs of EM6 fame and if you like thrashy old school hardcore punk then this would be right up your alley. Next was Red Shift and I can’t think of who they sound like but in my own house they wouldn’t get played to completion with any regularity so it’s not slowing down my day. After that we heard the guys talk for a bit about how Apple forced anyone with an iTunes account to take ownership of the new U2 album, without consent or any legitimate interest, and to make matters worse it was a file that could not be removed for absolutely no legitimate reason, badly enough that Apple had to develop a web tool to remove it from everybody’s iCloud so that the sand would finally leave their collective iCunts. Little known fact, according to iLikeGirlsDaily, to apologize, Apple is gonna forcibly give you the new albums from Soulja Boy and Justin Beiber in a week or two. Now, I don’t know that that’s actually true, but I have absolutely no trouble believing it especially when it comes from the twitter account that feeds me tasteful nudity all day. Now, since I don’t need to suck anybody’s dick to have friends, I of course do not own an Apple product of any sort, but if I did, I would promptly go to Steve Jobs’ grave and ejaculate on it, simply for the principle, then shit on my load and watch it slide down his tombstone, like a shit toboggan. Back to unsigned bands, there was a glitch in my on demand so I didn’t catch the name of the John Tesh tribute band, but I did hear half of a couple words and it sounded like some fucking waste of perfectly harvestable organs tried to start a John Tesh tribute band. Next up was The Octagon playing a bit of radio friendly metal that would make the perfect walkout music for a pro wrestler, or maybe a UFC fighter. After that we heard from Anthem For A Massacre and aside from the somewhat cookie monster vocals, definitely a talented and respectable metal offering from the world of underground music. Second to last was from The Involuntary and it sounded similar to what might have been included in Apple’s new shove feces down your esophagus collection, then went all screamo and had notes of Creed and later Unwritten Law. And finally, we got a taste of Blab Pipe who were catchy and danceable with a vocal filter like The Dandy Warhols and would be acceptable background music for a third rate college sex romp movie. Oh, and Malice got kicked off Instagram again, so no more dark soft core 80’s porn and mini-pincer pics for any of us. At least not from her.

 

HORSE FORCE IS COMING TO NEW YORK and Jason plans on fucking a canolli as some portion of that experience, whether the audience is invited to watch is still unclear. Tully found a news story all the way from Bangkok about a woman who committed SUICIDE BY FUCKING CROCODILE at a Thai zoo, which is proof that bitches is crazy no matter where you go. The guys kicked around the idea of what types of suicide should be allowed, like if your old and in massive pain and your ungrateful shithead great grandchildren keep demanding more in their birthday cards every year that you can’t make good on cause you’re on a fixed income and the American medical system is bleeding you dry SO FUCK IT!!! LEMME JUST PUSH THE FUN BUTTON UNTIL THE FUN TURNS TO CARDIAC ARREST AND THEN YOU THIEVING NURSES CAN COME IN AND PUSH IT A FEW MORE TIMES BEFORE YOU STEAL MY CHECKBOOK TO MAKE COUNTERFEIT PURCHASES WITH!!! Jason said if he was gonna do it, he’d either drown himself in his ex wife’s boyfriend’s blood or maybe just steal a Lamborghini and toss it into the ocean off Highway 1. WILSON said the easiest way to go would be a nice sweet heroin overdose on the first time and Tully didn’t weigh in on it cause he’s probably got some truly devious shit swirling in his head that would turn Wesley Snipes as white as a bag of powdered sugar. Tully did however have a story of his great grandmother as was passed down to him that at some point she left the house, walked down the hill straight into the lake and didn’t attempt to swim. The guys talked a while longer about death and some of their well known friends’ death scares and public cries for help and what people are thinking when they want to switch it all off and at the end of it, we found out that officialjasonellis.com is having technical difficulties with the cameras so there’s just one angle and it’s straight up Jason’s nose. WILSON being the semi-professional stalker that he is, suggested a few ways that Jason could keep tabs on his ex’s boyfriend with security cameras and over the counter spy equipment, as well as using the kids as moles in whatever sinister scheme he might be involved in, or pretending he’s on acid and wandering in and fucking up his evening by whooping his ass and telling his ex to call the cops. And while they had him in the studio, they turned to the phones to have Jizz Cult give some caller advice for folks who don’t know quite what to do about blood stains in the trunk liner of their Subaru and all that plastic sheeting that basically became single use after a heated discussion with their significant other. First guy called in cause his wife left him and his son a bunch of years ago and before she left she planted the seeds of discontent in the child even though the dad and the new wife were the ones who raised him to be the guy he is today, and WILSON recommended that he respond to evil with evil, like not blatantly shit talking his mom, but slipping the allegations of prostitution and drug problems in as an aside to normal conversations. OR, plant drugs on her and get her publicly arrested while he’s around so there’s just no denying it. Next dude is in the process of a divorce and obviously that’s driven him into the type of financial ruin that prevents him from owning a SUPERIOR ANDROID MOBILE DEVICE and living somewhere with decent reception. Then we heard from a guy in the midst of a break up from a lady who seemed to be that perfect kind of crazy, but in the end turned out to be just regular undeniable crazy. Will suggested that he pop the question to her because the two of them are just too stereotypically perfect for each other and their children will be the saviours of all gender based prejudices. Jason of course was more level headed and told him to just let her go to voicemail and never respond. Or get married and crank out seven idiot babies, whichever is easier. Next was a fellow who has a pattern of dating women with children who don’t get any child support and refuse to go after it, to which WILSON responded that it’s probably because these hoes is cray-cray and don’t have any concept of personal responsibility, or they know their exes are such wastes of human life that it would be an exercise in futility to try and get the court to garnish their $6.25 per hour Walmart greeter paycheck. Jason mentioned off hand that the reason his ex’s new man probably doesn’t want to meet him is that it might change his opinion of her and they’ll break up, to which the Pendarvis Proclaimer responded that if the two never meet, there will never be any conflict between the two of them, ever, until one gets pissed that they haven’t met the other and decides to break in to the other one’s house and reupholster a Barca Lounger with their entrails so that they can get really well acquainted. Next was a guy who’s been divorced a good few years and started dating a new lady but he never introduced the kids to the new lady, but the mom tried to say that dad left for the new chick. After all that has been cleared up, the kids started getting to know some of the new lady’s family and the mom is being an uptight bitch about dad telling the kids that this lady’s family are gonna be around and you can think of them as family, just that they’re not any blood relation, to which WP the mother fuckin’ 3 advised him to just say “SHUT THAT CUNT’S MOUTH OR I’LL COME OVER THERE AND FUCK START HER HEAD!!!” After that was a call from a dude who got pretty close with a lady he had known for a good bunch of years and after she got pregnant and they were all ready to start a family, she left, lost the baby (which would have been twins), then came back and took his truck and his house, and now he wants to know how to move on from something so fucked up and harsh and the long and short answer is that you could move all your stuff into the crawlspace over her bedroom and masturbate into the same spot on the ceiling until it eats through the sheetrock and lands on her face while she’s sleeping, or just get right with yourself and get away from the situation cause there’s just no fixing it after everything that’s happened. Next was a dude who wanted to know how one goes about getting divorced for the second time and then letting the first wife try to start dating you again, which is basically voluntarily committing to a massive level of suffering, the likes of which would make Auschweitz look like a Cabbage Patch Kids nursery and would endure for a thousand centuries, through the throngs of a million wars worth of violence and despair only to culminate in the implosion of the planet’s core into another dimension where the cycle would repeat ad infinitum, until the history of the universe came full circle and you were reborn to live the same existence again. Last one to get through, we heard from a guy who had a kid with his lady and did his best to be a good dad, but every time he goes to visit and has the kid out of the house more than 4 hours she starts blowing his phone up like the Manhattan Projects final result, and he wanted to know how to calm that bitch down so he can spend some time with his child so that they don’t turn out like so many other shitty children. Unfortunately, the way the world works, the only way to do it is to go to court and work out an agreement in the eyes of the law. OR..OR OR OR… Kill her and bury her in a shallow grave five miles outside of town then go on about your day like nothing happened. BONUS ROUND some guy’s ex is getting divorced and wants to get back with him and he’s wondering what the hell to do, which (short answer) is beat the brakes off that pussy and move out of state, or (long answer) murder, shallow grave, tacos, mechanical bull, learn paper mache and start a new life selling crafts in a little border town in Belgium. SMOKE BREAK but not for WILSON cause he’s being good and sticking to his word.

 

MMA NEWS if  you should be interested to hear it, Nick Diaz is under investigation by the UFC for his drunk driving arrest last week and TMZ is reporting that he tried to make himself vomit so he could get under the legal limit and is now adding the charge of attempting to destroy evidence to his case. CALIFORNIA POLICE, AM I RIGHT? Alexander Gustavson is all over the place in MMA these days and will probably be getting a title fight. Sluggo Boyce might have allegedly had botox and while this has very little to do with MMA, it’s fair to note that it may have been in his knees rather than his face. There’s some more fights coming up and stuff, it should all be entertaining for the fans. Rory McDonald was having his fight music picked by someone other than himself and somehow his phone number got leaked or he bought a new phone or something and he got all the crap and Nickelback a person could never want all due to a hilarious wrong number misunderstanding. Some Russian lady on a motorcycle is personally taking on her own crusade against litterers by pretty much Mad Maxing her way across the former Soviet Union. She’s also taking on assholes who illegally park in handicapped spaces. Tully found a video of a rattlesnake fighting a road runner and son of a bitch the animal kingdom is a mysterious place cause the road runner snatched this fucker’s head in his beak and then beat it unconscious and consumed it whole. The guys took final calls on things and stuff, and stuff and things, people are appreciating the changes in the music lineup now that Jason is sort of in charge of things. People called about littering and snakes fighting squirrels and DUDE DID YOU GUYS KNOW THEY HAVE BLACK SQUIRRELS IN CANADA?!?!?!?! Shit is crazy, guys. Well folks, it’s the point in this recap where there’s not much more substance to be written and I need to clean the dried pre-cum off of my abdomen and start getting ready for work.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/9/14

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DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA REALLY WANT THE TRUTH!!! DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA CAN’T SEE IT THROUGH!!! HE AIN’T JACK THE RIPPER HE’S YOUR ORDINARY CROOK!!! CALLIN’ MAXWELL MURDER FOR YOOOOOOUUU!!!! Fuck, if the date was only a couple digits different, we could call it Rancid day and have punks across the land starting mosh pits in the most unexpected and inappropriate places and situations. Or even better, revive the little known British punk band 999 and make catchy melodic songs about cheating girlfriends and a strong belief in the theory of homicide. Whatever though, it’s Tuesday and I’ve only got less than three weeks before I hit the road up north to the land of moose cum slurpees and a thousand recipes for poutine! I’m fucking excited, how about you? I’m gonna make the stupidest, drain on society anchor baby you fuckers have ever seen! But before that, let’s talk about the Jason Ellis show, cause that’s what’s happening live in the here and now several hours ago by the time this recap actually makes it to its published stage of existence cause I have a day job and constantly have to pause the show to answer the phone or play psychiatrist to someone with automotive troubles and I’ll probably be listening to more than half of the show later this evening with the on-demand function of the SiriusXM online player! Today got rolling with what seemed to be more intro music than normal, but I did have to pause a million times and didn’t want to fast forward in case I missed the opening and then had to hear Holy Diver again. After that though, Jason got to talking about how coffee is just wonderful, and I agree and when I’m done with this recap I’ll be freebasing Folgers so that I can stay up late and clean my apartment. Jude was in studio to chop it up with the guys today. Jude was watching some glory hole porn and came to the realization that the people on the business end are probably bashing their faces against the wall a lot more than your average person might realize. Jason is on antibiotics right now cause of dog blood shit SARS cancer, which sucks cause he just got off of all the blood thinners from the heart surgery and it has just been a chemical fueled nightmare for The Wing without the awesome side effects of actually getting high. The guys discussed how proper animal husbandry and science kind of requires you to stop letting dogs lick your face cause they do a wide range of horrible things with those mouths at all times of day. Also, probably a good idea to chase down your hairless cat and dunk it in a sink full of Purell from time to time cause they’re terrible at cleaning themselves. Luckily, the pain of their pestilence is all in your head, but unfortunately the bleeding rectum is entirely real. Jason also had a really good therapy session last night which brings us to Jude’s fucked up evil psychology. He’s an awesome dude, and he’s got his ways of working through things that are just different. Jude has been trying to find a lady worth keeping around longer than a few good fuck sessions lately and it’s kind of seeming like it’s going good for him and we’re glad to hear it. The only thing fucking up his crusade is the fact that pussy is fantastic and sometimes it’s the only thing that’s gonna satisfy the beast within. Tully on the other hand is happily married and hiding his alcoholism very well from his loved ones so that he can keep up the facade of some level of contentment with reality. Jude had a hookup session with a random the other night and after the deed was done she started making every kind of excuse imaginable not to leave, like that she was too drunk (and then took another drink) and that she needed someone to feed her children and pay her car note cause she sure as fuck ain’t about to. Somehow or another, the guys tried to draft Cumtard into getting his dick sucked by a man for science but the guys couldn’t agree on an acceptable ratio of beard mouth to smooth mouth for Cumtard’s liking, plus insertion on the radio is still against the rules so that got put on the back burner for now. SiriusXM has just started running the bumpers of FACTION: With Jason Ellis and Jason got a little uppity about it at first since he didn’t get to hear them first, but after hearing them he’s fine with it and didn’t have to hear Dingo call it Vegemite radio, so that kind of worked out for everybody. Since they are kind of stock though, Jason decided to crank out a few of his own using some of the classic sound bites that haven’t been taken off the button bar yet, like some Bruce Lee clips and various tortures and loud noises and exercising female grunts and Rude Jude speaking high pitched for no clear reason at all. WILSON stepped in to chat with the guys about the rollicking success of the Friday hotel show, and Cumtard let everybody know that he can’t do yoga cause those videos just eventually turn into porn in his mind and he opts to release the pressure in his doom spigot rather than attaining nirvana. Jason floated the idea of the drunken porn star workout which would basically (hopefully) convince guys looking for spank material to end up exercising instead. Wilson added that each DVD could have each different type of porn lady, like tattooed girls, blondes, BBW’s, well hung trannies, et-cetera. Tully ordered a pay-per-view wank movie from his cable company and found that the experience was fucking terrible and Comcast has shitty streaming speeds and doesn’t come anywhere close to the quality and customer service of the internet and it’s endless treasure trove of carnal extreme sports. The guys played with the buttons a little more to find more sound drops that would work for FACTION: With Jason Ellis bumpers and it was just as much fun as all the other times they’ve revisited the old stuff on the button bar. It’s like visiting that old friend that sold you your first shot of smack back in junior high, only now he’s all about the designer drugs. Jude had never taken a trip down memory lane on the button bar so it seemed like a real treat for him to catch up on all the things he might have missed from precious moments passed. Unfortunately, he had to step out to go do his real job, but he did remind everybody that he did the ALS ice bucket challenge, and it’s on YouTube so if you want to laugh like an autistic howler monkey, go check it out. The guys took a break and let Lane Staley do the talking for a few minutes so they could figure out what the hell to do with the rest of our afternoons.

 

Hey, did you know Joanna Angel has her own radio show as well? It’s on Vivid Radio on SiriusXM and also at some other website too. She’s also got a call screener named Sapphire cause I mean, c’mon, you know what that lady does for a living? Of course Sapphire works on her radio show. So anyways, the guys called in to Lewd, Screwed and Tattooed which normally tends to be live phone sex (if I’m understanding the premise correctly)and chopped it up with Joanna for a bit and did a bit of show promo as well cause it’s all about folks helping each other out over at SiriusXM. When the guys got on air Joanna was talking to somebody about a tattooed Little Mermaid and how her and her female friend/co-host? need to bring a vibrator next time they see that lady. But then they put Ellis through and complimented his show and penis. They also contributed some of the most terrifying and hilarious porn-centric conversation that has probably ever been on Joanna’s show, and that’s saying something. Jason also explained how to get around that no insertion rule by jerking off the pussy the way Nina Hartley taught the guys to do that one time. Joanna also alluded to the fact that she will be smashing Katie’s box at some point in the future and I can’t think of anybody who’s not happy about that. In case you missed it on Instagram, Joanna stayed to hang out after the hotel show on Friday along with a bunch of the other ladies who were there and they all had a massive Greek orgy that would put the actual Greeks to shame. Or maybe Joanna was joking and everybody just got shit-hammered for two days cause sometimes that’s just what you need to do, but whatever the case, a good time was had by all. Some dude called in to say that Joanna has a “gorgeous meaty cunt” cause us dudes are disgusting, but no lie you ladies are too, although she was able to diffuse the use of the word cunt and get a fan to do some sort of favor so she would show her box on twitter. The guys let Joanna get back to work cause they had their own stuff to do, but they were very happy to talk to the Little Sister of the Jason Ellis Show. Remember that Ray Rice guy who should have slipped in to obscurity? Well, not more than a day has gone by and he’s back in the news again because of a lot of people’s reactions in the media, namely, Dean Cain!!! Cause fuck everything, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT DEAN CAIN THINKS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!! And of course in another SHOCKING display of what a pointless organization the tax exempt NFL is, coach Ditka chimed in that it was probably just a mistake on Ray’s part. Ray Rice’s wife chimed in on the whole situation and it’s hard for me to gauge whether or not she’s got permanent victim status etched into her psyche or if they’re actually moving on as a couple and don’t need the outside world’s opinion. The guys took some calls on the topic and it seems that the wife is blaming herself for everything and if it didn’t kind of sicken me how much we glorify people for all the wrong reasons in this society, I could form a much deeper opinion on all this, but long story short if you get in an argument keep your hands to yourself and hey what ever happened to dude am I a slut? Jason just said he’s kinda over it for now, might bring it back later but no particular plans to do so at the moment. The guys talked MMA for a bit, as they’re known to do from time to time. Jason finally got to catch up on all the fights he missed over the weekend and just had to dissect everything with the reasonable mind of Tully there to bounce everything off of. After all that, the guys took a break to set up some torture with a couple new acquaintances.

 

Don’t forget, unsigned bands is coming back soon, so send in your shitty sound clips for public ridicule. Two 90 year old lesbians got married after being with each other for 72 years cause I guess ladies really can’t let a grudge die or something like that. The guys brought in a couple of folks for a new game they cooked up called Pain for Plugs where people can come in and get free advertising in exchange for being attacked by squirrels or molesting themselves with an eel or whatever the hell else Jason can think of. The first guy they brought in was a proper Australian who’s got a business in So-cal selling proper Australian meat pies. He had to stick his hand in a box full of angry lizards and snakes but it sounds like he’s got a quality product and you should all go find a Pie Not meat pie and get it up ya. We also got a lesson about meat pies and how 7-11 in Australia sells them instead of hot dogs, but they’re essentially the same quality of instant food product substitute that’s only fit for human consumption when one is drunk to the point of openly shoplifting pre-heated processed white flour and grade D meat filling from a 7-11. After the meat pie guy, the boys took a break to regroup and clean up all the snake piss and blood that no doubt will haunt the new studio for years to come.

 

Tully found an advice column online called Dear Prudence and the guys decided to give their own take on some of the questions that people were asking. One guy sent in a letter saying that his wife’s sex drive had disappeared and he might have accidentally made a joke about giving his wife a knockout drug to get in her vajayjay and she said “well, since I don’t really want to have to look at your grotesque O-face ever again, sure, why the fuck not?” which no doubt would surprise anyone. Needless to say, it really begs the question, would you want to bang unconscious people? Or be unconscious while getting your vaj blown apart? The guys took some phone calls on whether or not there was anything the slightest bit okay about this and it continued to remind me that not all people are bad but there are people who are all bad all the time. It’s fair to note though, that having sex with an unconscious person will require a lot of lube unless she wakes up and actually starts enjoying it halfway through. A guy called in to thank Jason for helping him get off heroin and get away from gypsies cause you really can’t trust those mother fuckers, but probably not as much as you can’t trust a heroin addict, so win win for that guy and society at large. A lady called in to tell her experience with knocked out boot knockin’ and after her doctor prescribed her ambien she was having half awake dream sex with her man and it was fucking amazing but didn’t feel entirely real to her which seems to be the only downside to it but still possibly a workable angle if you’re in a committed honest arrangement with someone. The guys suggested that the next time it happens she should film it, cause couples that do home made porn together tend to have a lot of fun with it. It’s still pretty much agreed though, fucking the dead or otherwise incapacitated is just fucked up and weird and is a pleasure only reserved for politicians and the criminally insane. You could make a seriously awesome puppet show out of your lover’s carcass though, that’s always a recipe for fun. Tully decided to make a list of things to compare to each other, specifically which of each category is more metal. It begs one to wonder, are kittens or puppies more metal? Obviously kittens because they are miniaturized condensed evil, whereas puppies are wonderful. What about diarrhea or vomit? I mean, shitting blood is metal, as has been proven by Slipknot Cereal, but vomiting can happen for so many reasons as can diarrhea and those reasons can be equally not metal. Just to step up the question though, blood diarrhea or blood vomit? Diarrhea takes the win on this one cause a stream of blood flowing from one’s rectum is really the makings of an incredibly metal concept album. Next, Sinatra or Elvis? Sure, Sinatra smacked bitches and sang songs for the mob, but Elvis died eating fried chicken on the toilet. So, penis or vagina, which is more metal? This one was tough cause vaginas have evil inside of them and bleed for days on end, but penises are the more skull crushing aggressors in most situations. Golf or tennis? There was that one tennis player who did meth and had the craziest professional mullet ever, but Jason mentioned some golfer who apparently won and I didn’t catch the reason why. Next up, chainsaws or sawed off shotguns? As a lifelong devotee of the Evil Dead franchise and hopeful future adopted son of Bruce Campbell, I am satisfied with either answer cause he had both and he was cleaning up shop like a fucking boss in the backwoods of Michigan and medieval Britain. After that, Metallica or Slayer? Slayer just slightly won this one cause they’re not as popular and homeboy really can’t sing for shit and they’ve kept it that way for 30 years on purpose. Mexico or Canada? Well, Mexico has a lot more evil mythical creatures and free health care is the most anti-hesher social policy in existence. Heroin or Cocaine? Well, heroin is too much of a downer to get up and rage but cocaine keeps you angry paranoid and energetic for hours and hours of thrashing. Cancer or Heart disease? Well, cancer has no cure and erodes the body from the inside out and replicates as the most unacceptable lumps and lesions a human body can suffer, so cancer for the win! And while we’re talking diseases, The Plague or flesh eating bacteria? Plague definitely sounds more metal and it’s been around for hundreds of years. Piranha or giant squid? Squids are kind of pussies, so it’s obviously the murderous piranha. Competitive eating or parkour? Well, you can eat yourself to death and explode on the crowd in a shower of blood and feces, but nothing like that will ever happen in parkour. Wolves or sharks? I’ll give you a minute……

 

Wolves. Wolves are a cohesive unit, sharks are not that coordinated in their slaughter. Boulders or steel? Cocaine comes in boulders so that’s the winner. Darth Vader or the pope? Darth Vader is black and tortures people, but the pope? I mean, holy fuck the pope! He’s been the ruler of centuries of the most horrifying atrocities the world has ever seen and they’re continuing to this day AND IT’S NOT A FICTIONAL STORY (except that whole bible thing he writes his speeches from). Rainbows or unicorns? A horse with a horn can commit murder with the right rider on it’s back, so that’s that. Barney the dinosaur or Spongebob Squarepants? Barney is obviously some type of incredible sexual deviant that might have a few juvenile murders under his belt, but Spongebob is a sponge and his hands could barely meet over the top of his head, so you decide. Pirates or clowns? I haven’t seen a news report in this century about a pirate cannibalizing children, BUT CLOWNS HAVE! But then again, pirates do fuck shit up pretty hard to in their own right, so it may be too close to call. Burial or cremation? Well, fire gets you closer to Satan so cremation it is. And to trump that, what if it’s done to you while you’re still alive? STILL CREMATION!!! Vampires or werewolves? Vampires are too well groomed whereas werewolves are grimey and tortured and destroy everywhere they go. Spiders or snakes? Cold blood wins. Tampons or adult diapers? Well, that all depends whether or not you’re shitting blood. Freddy or Jason? Freddy is too much of a jester, Jason was just a misunderstood kid with a serial killer mom who decided to take over the family business when he returned from the dead. Steven Segal or Jean-Claud Van Damme? Segal did have that sex dungeon, but Van Damme kickboxed a guy with broken glass glued to his fingers in an underground dojo. Prison or Sea World? Prison, think back to sharks. Judas Priest or Iron Maiden? Buttfucking wins over bangs. Snow White or the Little Mermaid? Ariel was too slutty to be metal and Snow White definitely did a seven midget gang bang in the woods fucked up on the LSD found in many types of mold, like you might get on an apple. And finally, Dave Mustaine or Jimi Hendrix? Getting off alcohol is not metal enough, but he did get kicked out of Metallica which is pretty metal. The guys took a breather after all that metal to play us all some metal.

 

You know about fashion week, right? A few years ago, Hole played fashion week and they stiffed a guy on his bill to film them so he decided years later to release the footage of Courtney Love’s isolated vocals and guitar and much like that isolated track of Britney Spears, it shows a level of talent reserved for the mentally incapacitated or victims of severe brain trauma. If you didn’t catch it yesterday, The show is going to New York to do a bunch of radio and the debut performance of Horse Force and also play cricket against whoever decides  to show up. That’s all gonna be happening next month though, so let your boss know you’re gonna be calling in sick of their bullshit on the appropriate day in October. Jason played some of the raw audio of all the girls working out on Friday which really did sound like a massive Greek orgy so I guess mission accomplished. The guys took some final calls and stuff as their known to do, plus I have too much delay on the on-demand left to finish listening before Wednesday’s show comes on live and delaying this for four hours when it’s probably gonna be bullshit anyways is just ridiculous, so sit back and enjoy and fist yourself with a slow hand.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

The Thrilla In Senim Silla

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If you’re reading this, there’s no doubt you heard of Jude Angelini. You’re probably a fan of The Jason Ellis Show too. But are you a fan of the Foreally Show? How about a fan of Senim Silla or Binary Star? Well, if you’ve never heard of Ross (Senim Silla) or the Foreally Show, you should check it out. You’ll hear some familiar voices, and along with those familiar voices, you’re going to laugh and be entertained as Jude & Ross talk their way through pretty much any topic that might be on their minds at the moment. But what about the stuff they don’t talk about? Well, here is Ross to answer those questions.

Dad? Is that really you?

Dad? Is that really you?

How often have people on the street confused you with Darryl “DMC” McDaniels?
Not as often as I’d like. It’s a new one though. I get Will Smith semi regularly. Lenny Kravitz sometimes. It seems I’m pretty much interchangeable with every light-skin kat ever.

Jude recently mentioned to Jason Ellis that he’d like to have a show with you and Christian Hand on his new channel. Would you get Binary star back together to make a theme song for it?
Growing up a Hip Hop/Rap elitist, any kind of Rap used commercially, makes my skin crawl. To this day, I can’t stand seeing kats rap in commercials, tv, movies or even real-life most times. I think it’s because there’s such a thin line between good Rap and annoying-as-shit Rap. Anytime a kat recites a rhyme to me, it becomes a contestant for one of the worst experiences of my life. [And that’s including kats bussing my lyrics back to me]

When you’re teaching a young lady about hip-hop because you’re trying to get in her pants, do you ever just want to slap the bitch for not knowing the things you’re explaining to her?
I don’t use Hip Hop knowledge to get into drawls, it’s actually been proven to be the fastest
way to talk myself out of drawls. Because inevitably, some stupidity ensues that I feel like I have to correct. Not just for me but Hip Hop as a whole. Everything’s allgood until she says
“COMMON’s best album is ‘Like Water for Chocolate’ ” or “I think 2000’s Wu is better than 90’s Wu”

If you had to pick one fandom to exclusively be a part of for the rest of time (ie..never see a batman movie again if you go with The Hulk) which would it be and why?
That’s a damn good question. Can I choose all DC animated? I think I could live with just that. If not, and I have to choose one figure, I’d go with Batman. The batman universe is deep and out of all the comic book related offerings, it has been the most consistent on delivery. From all the animated series/movies to the live-action, dating back as far as the late 80’s.

justguythings-ross

Jude’s taking a piss, let’s talk about Gene.

I never would have thought to ask anyone this until you guys started talking about him, but what the fuck is Gene Hackman up to?
Unfortunately, there’s no new news on the guy but I can tell you that he turned down the lead roles in Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Your “I’ll bury the body for you” friend. There’s not a Tom Cruise movie he doesn’t love. You terrified for your life or you wondering exactly how far his gay goes?
I don’t understand the question.

Now that you’ve met Michael Tully, how long do you think before you sleep with his wife? And why do you hate Tully so much?
Well the questions need to be asked & answered by every dude that wants me to fuck his
wife. Lotta “depends” in that. 1. What’s his wife look like? 2. (If 1 looks good) I’d have to check with my wife to see if she’s willing to lead him along while I have relations with his wife. 3. Will I be drinking? 3a. How much time & effort is she willing to put into erecting a whiskey-dick?

As for my hate for Tully, I can’t say that much exists. I haven’t spent a whole lotta time with the man. He sat in on the Foreally Show briefly and other than his love of grape-flavored juice boxes, I couldn’t tell you much. I guess he might hate the British.

What’s it like being a sellout race traitor? No, but seriously, what are your thoughts about when people dog on you when Jude drops N bombs?
Nobody has ever said anything to me about Jude’s use of the word “nigga” or “nigger” or any variation thereof. I think real Black issues dwarf Jude rapping along with his favorite songs. There’s a lotta things that have fucked up Black America but Jude & the word “Nigger” aren’t on that list. We, the human race, have to stop giving Jude & the word “Nigger” so much power.

You’ve become increasingly skilled at talking on the mic in a radio/podcast setting. When did you realize that you used to say “you know what I’m sayin'” excessively? Is there anything else you do that you want to work on?
After the show became more popular, we received a few emails clowning me about it and that was when I first became cognizant of it and began trying to work out of it. Next, I’m going to work on these “Rights”. I also have to increase my threshold for negative comments it seems. The feedback you get in this radio/podcast shit can be like YouTube comments at times. And the way I’m wired, I always gotta respond to these assholes. So I’m going to work on that.

If cooked to perfection and served with your choice of sauce, do you think you could eat 96 ounces of Lord Sear to have your picture on the wall and win a t-shirt?
No. Comment.

There is a dude on The Jason Ellis Show who does crazy stunts, eating gross stuff, getting tortured, ya know, regular shit. Could you please make the nastiest jail pie you can dream up for that dude? What would be your choice to really grime up a jail pie?
I’d feed him the kind of shit we’d eat in Oakland County Jail. We had this shit we called
“Cathead”. Which was basically like a food loaf. It had meat product, bread & maybe some
potatoes in it. They’d smother it in the grossest gravy & serve it with green beans or corn. So I’d take that, add some ramen noodles and mix it all together with generic brand cheese wiz. Just like Mother Love makes. PS: Mother Love is a 6’5″ muscle-bound monster dressed in cut-off state-blue shorts and a tight-ass t-shirt tied in a knot to expose his stomach.

What is your vision for the podcast in the future? Would you like it to become more frequent, as in a daily show, or are you happy with the one a week setup?
We’re talking about this right now. We’d both like to do more but know we have to build with our growth. So we’re always thinking of more ways to add value to the show for our listeners. Also in October, we’re launching the show with BitTorrent as one of their bundles and plan to do a number of different things with that.

How is that visual element for the show coming along? Did you take that camera out of the box yet? Or are you gonna sell it and put the money towards a real camera?
Hahhahaa…still in the box. It sits near the foot of my bed, so I have to step around it when
going to bed and when I wake up. I now hate it and everything that has to do with DSLR
photography.

How many grammatical and/or spelling errors did you find in these questions?
There was only the one about the friend and hiding dead bodies while watching Tom Cruise movies. I didn’t know wtf that was asking.

THE END

Thanks to Ross for being cool as fuck and doing this Q & A session with us even though he barely knows us or how stupid we are. If you haven’t heard the Foreally Show yet, you really should – it’s pretty fuckin’ hilarious and entertaining. Ross & Jude are childhood friends, it’s like sitting in on a bullshit session with your best friends.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/19/14

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I just renewed my truck insurance and health insurance and god damn if it didn’t feel like a barbed stone cock just got aggressively forced into my rectum. I mean, I’m going to the land of free health care and I doubt a California minimum policy from GEICO is gonna cover me in another country. Somebody bring me that fucking British gecko, I got some god damn questions I need answered. That pig ain’t gonna be no help, but if you wanna chop him up and make me a BLT you can hunt him down too. And whatever animal’s paw print they used for the Kaiser Permanente logo, BRING ME ALL THE MASCOTS!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM WITH YOUR CORPORATE POLICIES AND YOUR ANIMAL REPRESENTATIVES SHOULD BE TRAINED TO HELP ME!!! While I wait for a veritable Noah’s menagerie of fortune 500 figureheads, I figure now would be a good time to recap the Jason Ellis show!!! Today kicked off with a mighty thunderous fart (from me) and some talk of bugs eating poo inside the human body and how next time that happens, Tully is fully allowed to take the reigns. Jason went to the doctor yesterday because he’s had a rumbly in his tumbly for a while now and he’s old enough to know that tempting fate is a luxury reserved for the young and stupid. Luckily though, the symptoms haven’t included diarrhea so it was no problem over the weekend at the UTV race. So, the doctor gave Ellis some stuff to clean himself out, but if it doesn’t work, he’s gonna have to do like Cumtard did that one time and shit in a plastic cowboy hat and have the scientists analyze it. Tully has had to shop for a new doctor cause Dr. Creepy won’t take his phone calls anymore, strangely enough, starting the day after they started calling him Dr. Creepy on the air, but he has a few things saved up to get poked and fingered and swabbed in the near future. Jude came in to hang out with the guys in his “gave up on life” look, which includes swim trunks and a plain t-shirt over some boat shoes. Jason went on the Jesse Ventura podcast and couldn’t help but call out the guy with the minigun in “Predator” on not knowing that pro wrestling is a lot less work than a legitimate sport like MMA or Playstation 3. Jude and Jason are both on a “fuck the world” kick right now cause really, a guy was able to raise $20,000 to make fucking potato salad on KickStarter, so what the fuck should I be amped about? The guys talked McDonalds for a bit cause they know they all have a particular menu item they routinely get, and it speaks volumes about a persons status in the world of pedophilia. Tully saw a video of a guy smoking McDonald’s french fries, and this quickly turned to drafting Jetta to toke up on some potato and wood pulp goodness. Jason told Jude about his experience racing this weekend and how he was kicking way more ass than normal and that’s always a nice feeling in your guts, not like bugs eating your poo. Jude told the guys he can’t even drive a stickshift, which makes sense cause American cars are huge in Detroit and they’re notorious for not making a manual transmission version of just about anything. Jude went antiquing at the flea market this weekend, which is far less gangster than off road mini truck racing, but he WAS fucked up on muscle relaxers, and he’s an amazingly white mother fucker, so it actually kinda worked. The guys talked about how cleaning when you’re high is usually not a good sign, even though your apartment is gonna be fucking SPOTLESS!!! Somehow, the story of Jude buying some crystal liquor glasses turned into a lesson about the Freemasons and how a collection of old rich Christians have put a magical Jew into power over everything. Luckily though, Zach Galifinakis has nothing to do with them, so when Hangover 6 comes out, it’s still OK to watch it without feeling like a traitor to free thought or anything like that. Ellis got caught saying “bullshit” in front of his kids this weekend, but Jude was able to calm him down by letting him know that the more you cuss in front of your children, the more they’ll rebel against you and turn into upstanding young citizens. Jason also went to El Compadres for dinner with the kids and somebody was using foul language really loud and as Jason was leaving he got a text from Blasko saying it was his friends and that they’re sorry for tainting the youth and will wait until they’re in junior high and developing their own personalities before they take that honor. The guys talked parenting for a while cause they’re all dad’s except for Jude who’s a fuckin’ Champiooooooonnnnnn but still sees his daughter. Tully’s kid is gonna be a track star someday and Tiger Ellis is gonna be wrecking shit at the dirt bike track like Return Of The Yard Sale: Electric Boogaloo. But that shit doesn’t matter so much cause Jude’s book Hyena is dropping on the 23rd and if you got the first sun, there’s gonna be more of it in the new version and if you didn’t get it on the first run, you can suck a dick, then learn to read and go buy it! And if you have a huge clit, Jude will not turn you away. Just don’t be a massive cunt. Some people called in to talk about cursing in front of your kids and whether or not it’ll make your kids shitty or if it’s really kind of a moot point. I for one, have noticed that kids are idiots, and idiots latch onto things really easily, so if you think it’s something an idiot shouldn’t be trusted to do safely and correctly, keep it the fuck away from them. Jude had to step out to do his regular gig, but he did let us know that next Monday, we’re gonna hear Tully on the Foreally show! Which is fucking awesome for all of us who love some Foreally, like me, and a bunch of other people who work here. And remember folks, vomiting stops people from rioting, so if you’re shopping for home defense accessories, an industrial drum of ipecac and a bunch of Super Soakers is a great idea.

 

MOTO NEWS WITH A BIG FAT DICK FO YA MOTHAFUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! In the 450’s at Indiana this weekend, it was muddy and there was racing and Ryan Dungey got cock-blocked like a priest at an all boys military school. I mean, Josh Grant for fuck’s sake. Josh Grant. Like many times when I have no idea what I’m talking about and just feel like being a dick, I’m sure Dungey is feeling the pain without any help from the public and will try harder next time. Now, I didn’t watch any of it, but the guys talked moto for a while longer and sounded like they knew what they were talking about better than I would. Jason would be enjoying moto some more on his own time if it weren’t for the fact that he had to give his bike back to Suzuki, and also he has a turd brewing that would suffocate a moose. There was some MMA talk which I also only vaguely paid attention to, but it sounds like it was good watching for the weekend. Tully has found himself more racist against the English than he used to be, mostly because of Jason Ellis and the UFC. There was talk of how Josh Koscheck is an announcer now because when you get punched and kicked in the head that severely for that amount of time, it’s a shitty move to lay somebody off. Tully suggested that Affliction should do an endorsement deal where they find people with out of date looks and give them makeovers with new Affliction gear, AND AT THE SAME TIME redesign Affliction gear to not look so shitty. But hey, none of that’s important cause WOMEN!!! AM I RIGHT?!?!?! A guy in Oklahoma is in the process of divorcing his wife and since he’s worth a few billion dollars, the courts are trying to figure out if he earned it legit or if he did some crooked shit, and that’s important cause his future ex-cunt is trying to get half of it. That’s right, half of 17 billion fucking dollars. Another lady in New Mexico was living with another lady and was dating that lady’s brother, and the siblings found out that the first lady was having sex with their dog on a regular basis. Now, after she admitted it, the brother broke up with her, and one night they were all having dinner together (cause the spirit of forgiveness is pretty similar to idiocy in some particular cases) and the brother and sister noticed that the water they were drinking with their meal had…sort of a tint to it, but didn’t stop drinking it, and had a funny taste, but didn’t stop drinking it, and it was only after dog fucker kept encouraging them to eat that it started to seem like a murder plot, WHICH IT WAS! Cause  dog fucker put rubbing alcohol in their water and toilet cleaner in the food cause HOW DARE YOU BREAK UP WITH DOG FUCKER?!?!??! DOG FUCKER BREAKS UP WITH YOU!!! A CNN reporter was at the US embassy in Baghdad and got picked up for being drunk and disorderly and apologized for telling emergency workers “DON’T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM?!?!?!” while attempting to bite paramedics who (in a fit of reverse Darwinism) were trying to keep this lady from wandering into traffic or being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. A lady in Albany, New York stole a python from a local pet store, slung it around her neck like a scarf, and drove her prius into the side of a fire station cause apparently the subway doesn’t run anywhere that a person might actually want to go around there. A woman in Scotland went to the doctor cause she was losing weight and couldn’t stop shitting herself, and the doctor found a ten year old sex toy stuck in her vag. Hey, at least it wasn’t a toilet baby, am I right? A chick in Eerie, Pennsylvania was trying to rescue a cat from a tree, and ended up getting stuck there herself because some people don’t understand that nature will fucking handle itself and when that cat wants to come down it will, it doesn’t need your moronic attempts at help in which you do yourself more harm in the process. And finally, a woman in Indiana was driving home after eating a burger and got a message from god that she should let go of the wheel (which makes me think that’s a tasty fucking burger) and the second she let go of the wheel she rear ended a guy on a Harley and the bitch kept rolling like she didn’t just fire a guy across three lanes of traffic and narrowly missed running over his head, but took a nice digger over the guy’s midsection. And to make matters worse, she stuck to the story after the cops showed up. A guy who was stationed in Baghdad with that CNN lady said that she’s always been fucking nuts, but then again she’s also been reporting live from Baghdad for about a decade. The guys took a break cause that much estrogen can make anybody need a snack, and I need to take a piss.

 

Let’s all wish Everlast a happy birthday, belated as it might be, cause he’s a good dude and it’s nice to be appreciated. You should also donate to cystic fibrosis research cause that would be a huge help to him and his daughter. After that though, you should get the cock off your chest, cause Brock Lesnar is now in the WWE and that’s a lot of cock to get off of a person’s chest. To start things off, Tully found a story about a 50-something year old Scottish guy who died with a vibrator in his ass cause he got it stuck and decided not to go to the hospital for five days, because today’s cock off you chest should hopefully be a sexual one. Any of your dark, weird fetish shit that your mother would disown you for, that’s what Tully wants to hear about. WILSON had to do 8 hours of community service and pay a $600 fine for littering (sexy littering). One caller said he pisses in the sink on a really regular basis, and not just at his own house. Next caller let the guys know that when he was in high school, his dad married a fine ass younger lady and one night while him and the stepmom were sitting around the house drinking, one thing led to another and they ended up fucking BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE, the son didn’t do a great job disposing of evidence, so even though the stepmom didn’t sell him out the dad still thought she was cheating with somebody and divorced her ass. Next we heard from a guy who was having group sex with another couple and felt a little stubble around his dick during a blowjob and when he hit the lights it was his buddy going down on him, not one of the ladies. After that we heard from a guy who also accidentally got blown by a dude at a porn shop jerk off booth when he stuck his dick through the glory hole and now he’s become kind of a regular patron of the glory holes. After that we heard from a lady who broke up with her boyfriend and started banging his best friend while she was on her period (LAAAAAAAMMEEE I’ve done that, it’s called being in your early twenties). Next we got a call from a guy who would routinely jerk off or blow his friend in his sleep, to completion. It gets weirder though, cause apparently the friend is as queer as a three dollar bill, but only in his sleep cause at times he would reciprocate, in his sleep. Next caller let his friend stroke him to completion when he was pretty young because his friend convinced him they had to do it as practice for when they start having to worry about girls. Next guy who called went out partying one night with some friends and his sister and after getting blackout drunk and not knowing what happened, he woke up naked, next to his sister. Yep, his sister. Next caller was a guy who had sex with his friend’s bride to be on a pretty regular basis and she knows all the same people and it’s a whole family thing and game of telephone bullshit. After that was a guy who was in a dispute with his girlfriend in the process of breaking up with her, and he had to break into her mom’s house to steal his dog back. Next was a guy who routinely hocks loogies in his boss’ slurpees and wipes his ass sweat in the dude’s respirator filter. After that was a dude who had a terrible phone connection but was able to let Hot Dog the call screener know that he illegally buried tons of fracking chemicals. Next was a guy who was fucking his girlfriend and his dog started licking his balls AND HE SWEARS IT’S A TRUE STORY but he doesn’t want to tell his girlfriend cause he kinda enjoyed it and didn’t try to stop the whole thing. Next we heard from a guy who was dating a virgin who didn’t want to fuck until marriage so he banged her best friend on her birthday. Then there was a dude who got his beer stolen in the high school locker room so he pissed in the dude’s shampoo. After that we heard from a bartender who banged a married lady who was going through a divorce and might have made a baby with her but he can’t be sure cause he doesn’t remember if he shot a load or not. Finally, we heard from a fellow who kept his old phone in his bathroom for playing sudoku on the john, but also had it set up as a motion detector camera so that he can record his wife fiddling the bean when she takes a bath. Voyeurism!!! The guys invited WILSON back in to give more details on his littering arrest, cause that shit is the kind of thing that only happens to black people in the 1950’s, and definitely not a white guy in a progressive state like ours in this day and age. The guys discussed for a while whether secretly filming your partner in their most self-intimate moments is a bad thing, and basically as long as it’s someone really close to you it shouldn’t be a big deal, but definitely not OK to do to your buddies or your sister. Shitting would be less of a problem to film than masturbating, so that opens up your options a bit, but still, just be sure you and whoever you’re filming are open and honest about your logs. So, back to Pendarvis getting racially profiled by a shitty cop, the reason he got a ticket for littering was because he tore up a receipt in a fit of modern day paranoia and somehow that enormously pissed off the cop that saw him doing it so he got a fine and community service for being an unreasonably nervous citizen of the digital age. And in a live performance that was probably missed by everyone, Wilson Pendarvis the Third was cleaning up trash on the sidewalks of Hollywood all day on Saturday. The guys tried to find some angle where this ticket actually makes sense not to resist, but given the way police have been acting lately, I probably wouldn’t go out of my way to poke the bear without a well appointed “us taxpayers won’t be taking your bullshit” type mob backing me up, which is hard to find cause the kind of people who would fight cops in the street usually aren’t taxpayers. There was more talk of how this particular cop is probably just pissed cause shit isn’t working out like all those action movies he’s been indoctrinated with and he’s THIS FUCKING CLOSE to being suspended for numerous citizen complaints, so he was probably just being a dick because the universe keeps kicking him in the balls and he unwittingly invites it by acting like an asshole. A lawyer called in to tell Pendarvis that he’s a bitch for not tacking that ticket and bitch slapping the officer with it, because it really is the most frivolous and pointless waste of public funds to continue employing that fucktard and it should be made as clear and public as possible. Another cop called in to tell him that he only got the ticket for having a shitty faux-hawk and googly eyes. Cumtard stepped in to tell the guys that when he got his jaywalking tickets he went to court on one of them and he got it thrown out cause even the cops know that some shit is too petty to bother showing up to court for and all they’re hoping is that you’re a bitch who won’t bother knowing your rights and making it a drain on others for cops to be idiots and not solve real crimes. Hot Dog never has to deal with the cops cause he’s too doughy and lovable, so it’s hard to consider him a menace to anything for jaywalking or tossing a cigarette butt. A male nurse in Croatia has been collecting the cocks of the dead for quite a while now, and was finally sussed out by the cops and is gonna have to… do something about it, cause postmortem castration is a shitty thing to do. Cumtard insisted that he’s heard of this happening here in the developed world but he can’t find a YouTube link so the jury is still out on it. The guys took some final calls as they’re known to do, and it was friendly and not fucking stupid, as they’re known to be. Oxycottin John called in too, and he’s doing good, so shout the mother fuck out. And now, I have to get back to my real job, insulting telemarketers until they kill themselves and wrangling cats.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/5/14

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WELCOME BACK FOLKS!!! IT’S THE SHIT SHOW THAT KEEPS ON FUCKING HERE IN MY OFFICE TODAY!!! Everything from a comeback on a major engine job, to another engine job that the customer is on the fence about, to a 93 year old man who decided to tow his old Peugeot in to have us see why smoke is pouring out of it. A Peugeot for fuck’s sake! It’s like the French Ford Pinto!!! But I digress, cause these things are all really inconsequential to the fact that it’s almost lunch time and time for me to get some Aussie in my afternoon with the Jason Ellis show. Today’s show got underway with a reminder to stay focused and learn a little Spanish cause it could come in handy some day. The crocodile hunter wears a swamp camo wetsuit, not sure it really has anything to do with anything, but he did. He could surf too, with jungle boots on. He may be interesting, but probably not that cool to hang out with except in small doses. Jude stepped in for a bit to talk with the guys about democracy and capitalism and I should just keep my mouth shut about both of those cause this could quickly turn from a recap into a manifesto. Tully’s main point on it had to do with how many TV stations we have in America cause of a massive “free market” of avenues by which a company can sling bullshit at the public, and in other countries they try to put a bit of a cap on that sort of behavior. But hey, as long as you keep consuming, they’ll keep cranking out iJesse or whatever fucktard spray the TV feels like producing all over your face at any given time. Jason noticed, along with Jude, that Mexican immigrants are probably the number one consumers of public parks, due to having large families and a knack for grilling anywhere they might be allowed. Tully hates the beach cause he’s Irish and there’s too many god damn people in LA and definitely too many at the fucking beach cause mother fuckers act like it’s the only place where water has ever met dirt. Jude is kind of on the same team as Tully, and it goes double for boats cause the sun reflecting off the water would basically turn him into lobster tortellini in a matter of hours. When Jason went to Panama last year, he got hooked up on a boat tour by some dude who lives “off the coast” (translation: outside your jurisdiction) and does lots of meth and tries to give pills and gourmet lunches to the tourists that employ him. Unfortunately, their chef is a fat sweaty Mexican cokehead who can’t manage a simple ceviche. It just reminded Jason of Jeremiah Johnson and living in the middle of nowhere and right when Jude mentioned his mom’s cabin, Jason remembered a dream e had about shooting endless ropes of jizm.This of course got the guys talking about wet dreams. One time, Jude was sleeping at someone else’s house and the bed they put him in belonged to a 4 year old girl and in the worst possible coincidence, he shot a load in his sleep. The guys talked some more about capitalism and how it only works if you get the fuck off your ass and go drop a deuce in Alaska so you can game the system for a lifetime pension for owning property there. Jason and Jude talked a bit more about moving to the wilderness and Tully shat on it like he was trying to get a lifetime pension for owning property there. There was more talk of the beach cause the guys just couldn’t leave well enough alone with Tully and he doesn’t feel like cleansing his soul in raw sewage in the most polluted unnatural bodies of water on the west coast. Tully does seem to feed his personal hatred of humanity by watching the people at the beach, so hopefully having a child who demands beach vibes can keep him in his wonderful state of personality for years to come. Hot Dog peeked in to back Tully on his opinion that skin cancer and biohazardous ocean water is nowhere near as good as a kiddie pool full of margaritas with a TV nearby, and no one’s invited unless you invite them so if you feel like being naked, you don’t need to worry about David Hasselhoff telling you to cover your giblets. Sure, maybe you can’t surf in it, but you can drown out the incessant voices of rage that keep telling you to tear someone’s spine out and sodomize their children with it, like you get at the beach around spring break time. Jason is such a surfer that he could never imagine seeing a family at the beach only because the kid wanted to go and the parents are wishing that driving drunk wasn’t a bad idea so they could have brought a bigger handle of Seagram’s 7 with them. Tully delved into his home life and the fact that him and his wife probably own too much stuff that’s gray, gray furniture, gray clothes, gray cars, half-asian baby named gray, and all of that is probably why he hates sunshine and interacting with other members of the species. Jude likes having a lot of orange accents in his house and Tully is disgusted by it. Jason recapped his experience to Jude about getting waxed in studio yesterday and it sounds like everything is baby smooth and slightly swollen but otherwise perfectly happy with the results. The guys discussed who in the studio had the dirtiest asshole and the obvious answer was WILSON cause he’s just the kind of guy to shower with his pants on and not take off his t-shirt when he goes for a fap session. Will tried to deny it without giving any more in depth information, so it kind of confirms all our suspicions that the Hate Bean persona is not just an on-air character. The guys talked hip-hop for a bit and Jude reminded us all that he actually hates most of what it’s turned into these days, which I can’t really argue with cause autotune, Lil’ Wayne, MCA died, Flavor Of Love, MC Hammer’s reality show, et cetera. Jude sampled a few things for the guys and they seemed to like it for the most part, so it might not be all bad but I haven’t kept enough track of it all to know too much about it. The guys played a sample of a Die Antword song with some guy talking about aggressive man fucking and Jude seemed to appreciate it, even though I wish they would just stay in South Africa. There were some phone calls and stuff and the guys sampled some more songs that might be going into rotation on the show, like Cher’s “Believe”, which is sadly a modern classic and also the inspiration for every asshole that decided to use autotune. Jude stepped out to go do his show and the guys decided to play each other samples of the riffs they’ve cooked up for Horse Force which should sound surprisingly similar to Black Sabbath. Tully’s wouldn’t play from his iPhone for some reason, so they took a break to regroup and smash Steve Job’s crowning achievement of a mobile device in protest.

 

So, with all the talk of music, the guys put out a call to the fans for stuff they might want to play on the show or possible influences for Horse Force songs. Tully’s phone finally decided to play the riff he worked on and it is definitely a Sabbath riff for all intents and purposes. Remember that dildo that ICP gave to Kid Rock that he needed to give back to the court as part of a sexual harassment lawsuit? Well, he basically wrote back to the law firm that subpoenaed it that he doesn’t have it and you can go fuck yourselves, and while you’re at it, all your lawyer friends can fuck you too, and when you’re done with that, get fucked again, and then a little bit longer, and when THAT’S all over with, use the ocean of jizm from that endless fuck session as lube to slide yourselves into a missile casing and let the military fire you at Afghanistan or whatever other brown country we feel like subjugating this week. Cumtard saw the new “Gaurdians Of The Galaxy” movie this weekend, and the guys thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get another shocking movie review from him, this time with helium! After compiling the list of hot words, Cumtard told us all about the movie while being summarily tortured in a fashion only the Tard could abide by. Now, if you like hearing Kevin’s suffering, I must tell you that it really is better with a helium voice and the stipulation that he will be electrocuted for dancing or saying “please”. It surely loses some effect when you’re not watching it, but if you’ve seen Cumtard get electrocuted in person as I have, and you have an active imagination, it’s pretty easy to paint yourself a hilarious mental picture of just what’s going on when this happens. The sounds coming out of his mouth when he’s all heliumed up and being shocked are pretty fantastic, and while I can’t verify that there was dancing, I take it on good authority that he was cause they shocked him for it. Say, have you ever wondered about the bizarre genitalia of the animal kingdom? Cause the Jason Ellis show is here to educate you about it. The guys explored the many insane and religion-debunking marvels of animal fun bits, like the echidna, an Australian anteater type animal with a four headed cock! Or sharks and stingrays, who have barbs on their dicks, combining fucking and spear fishing like no other species on earth could. But wait, it gets worse, cause shark vaginas are a multipurpose organ containing all bits required for gestating eggs, urination and defecating! Flatworms have both male and female parts, but they will fight to the death to try and be the one to impregnate the other one first!!! Barnacles have the biggest cocks in all of the animal kingdom, a cock forty times their own length, like some sort of long rage semen harpoon. Octopi have detachable penises, CUE KING MISSILE! GOD DAMN I NEED TO RESTRING MY GUITAR, I EVEN HAVE AN ECHO PEDAL SO I CAN COVER THAT SONG PERFECTLY!!! There are insects which are known to have sex for 40 to 70 hours at a time and at some point their bodies will actually swap genitals cause the Christian god is a lie and our true lord and master is the great Satan!!! Enough about animal cocks though, cause over in New Jersey, an egg nog factory fucking exploded cause egg nog is apparently just too awesome to be contained in New Jersey. The guys talked for a bit about new offensive props to keep around the office (remember that giant black cock the size of a half gallon liquor bottle they used to have? I seent it, it was offensive. And hilarious) and they decided a huge rubber fist was probably a good contender. Since Cumtard is the guy most likely to bear the brunt of this object, the guys asked what he would most like to get hit by and a massive dick was exactly what he was hoping for, so that’s settled. The guys decided to take a break for Hot Dog to go get the massive cock and to get some phone callers lined up for a segment next up about the things you might not want the public to know about the place you work.

 

So, if you haven’t noticed lately, the show is very interested in the twitter accounts of Jaden and Willow Smith cause the shit they think up is just adorably terrifying, like a Hitler press conference about unicorns. After reading the insane ramblings of the Smith children, they decided to take a quick look at Willow Smith’s music video cause apparently there’s some lines in it about how she is the messiah or some such shit, cause people seem to have lost their appreciation for a good old fashioned assassination which I wouldn’t necessarily wish upon a teenager, but there’s some grown ups who cosign this kind of shit that should certainly get the fear of Satan put in them. They read some more of her Scientology inspired bullshit and those of us who don’t need anti-psychotics all had a good laugh. At this point, I feel like the Fresh Prince needs to exercise his pimp hand or something, cause this just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing he might let fly. Where’s that kid from West Philly, yo? Break a mothafucka off something, god damn. But hey, nobody’s dunking their kid head first in a bucket of paint thinner, so who am I to judge? The guys talked for a while about how Jada Pinkett-Smith is probably some sort of succubus or undercover assassin or something like that, cause it just seems like she would be the least expected person to tackle you and rip your larynx out. The boys turned to the phones to ask the listeners what it might be that the management doesn’t want the public to know about their company. The first caller used to go pick up hookers to deliver for the oil field workers and the workers would in turn pass the cost along to the higher ups at the oil company by using a hot shot driver for a quick delivery. Next guy said that at another oil field, the guys used to bury evidence before environmental and safety inspectors would show up for normal inspections (tell me again how big oil isn’t all kinds of crooked?). Next guy was a fuel delivery driver and would KNOWINGLY MIX THE HIGH GRADE AND MID GRADE FUELS TO MAKE THE MID GRADE STUFF!!! But more importantly, sometimes one of the tanks would be full and they just put premium in all three. Luckily for you, the consumer, pretty much every  gas station is a complete shit show, so chances are it doesn’t really matter much what you fill your tank with cause you’re likely not being charged the correct amount and that’s gotta pay off in your favor eventually! Next caller used to work for a car stereo place and at the particular shop he worked at, they would upsell all the top of the line equipment but install remanufactured units, which reminds me that assholes like this make every price shopping phone call I get a legitimate fit of paranoia about the industry I work in, cause some people are incompetent schyster assholes. Tully worked at a pretty high end restaurant, and as we all know, you don’t fuck with people that prepare your food, and that’s all I have to say about that. Next guy that called in worked on the upper level of the glass cieling of the oil industry and according to him, those mother fuckers are straight up scum, like this one time when a well exploded and the execs didn’t do shit but try to get one of the lower management folks to calculate up the bottom line for them (TELL ME AGAIN HOW BIG OIL ISN’T CROOKED AS FUCK!?!?!?!?!) Next caller worked at a tax prep agency and a lot of guys used to come in wasted and filthy and pissing themselves and basically, as long as nobody complained to the manager, nobody got fired. After that we heard from a guy who worked at a pizza shop and whenever they got an asshole customer they added extra oil to the dough to guarantee that the end user would have diarrhea. The guys talked for a while about how Jude Law is definitely going bald but he pulls it off really well and this got Ellis back to thinking about getting a wig so he can pretend to be John Travolta for a couple years just to fuck with everybody. Back to callers, next guy called to tell the guys about how he’s working underage and illegally for a fracking site and all the vehicles are unsafe to be on the road and he’s the one certifying them even though he isn’t old enough to get a license to drive, oh, and he’s handling hazardous materials all day too, cause big oil ain’t crooked as a tweaker’s cock or anything like that. Next caller worked at a car dealership where he got tapped by one of the service writers (my job) but had to reconsider because as part of the interview they asked him if he was comfortable intentionally lying to the customers to upsell shit that didn’t need to be done. On a personal note, I quit working at dealers after eight years, cause I like sleeping at night without being woken up by the night terrors of some old lady going homeless after paying $1100 in fluids that didn’t need to be done. Shout out to San Leandro Nissan Hyundai Kia, my last employer, I actually witnessed that on multiple occasions. There were more tales like this, leaking oil trucks that don’t get repaired, burying fracking chemicals, one guy called to say that at a cell phone repair shop he worked at, the technicians would routinely browse through any recovered data to see if there were nudes of the hot ladies that bring their phones in, but he got his one day when he found pictures of a girl getting HUMAN FECES rubbed all over her by her boyfriend like he was trying to get a lifetime pension for owning property there. They also found some home made clown porn too, so it’s not all terrifying? Tully has noticed a whistling noise coming from his toilet but hasn’t wanted to bother the landlords because they’re really polite old people so he decided to set an Onnit kettlebell on top of the float valve cause that stops the noise for some reason. On that note, let’s ponder the weird noises in our homes that could be fixed by setting something heavy on them.

 

MMA NEWS YA FUCKS! Remember that brawl between John Jones and Daniel Cormier that broke out at the weigh ins? Well, the state of Nevada and the UFC aare looking into how they’re gonna penalize the two guys for acting so unprofessionally. Also, remember last week when that one guy who was gonna make a comeback ended up shooting himself? Well, there’s pics of the injury floating around the internet, and from what I’m told, it looks like a self inflicted gunshot wound. Jason was talking to Jeremy McGrath on instagram lately and is thinking of how to get a Polaris for some short course dirt track racing while combining the WolfKnife clothing line and EllisMania, cause he sure as fuck ain’t winning on speed and skill alone, so there’s gotta be some really eye-catching shit at the merch tent. The guys kicked off a round of Ellis Jeopardy with contestants Tully, Cumtard and Hot Dog. As is usually the case with Ellis Jeopardy, the clues would require a deep, intimate, almost intra-colonic relationship with Jason Ellis, the kind only his long time co-host might have, but were hilarious as always. Before all that though, we got a recap of Sharknado 2 and if I still did drugs, I gotta believe that shit would be on repeat on my DVD player 24 hours a day cause it sounds like the greatest compilation of stupid bullshit that has ever been burned onto celluloid. In an interesting turn of questions about Sharknado 2, we came to learn that Cumtard spent a bit of time in college smoking crack. He once smoked so much crack, he paralyzed his hands and set off the dorm building fire alarms. Amazing the things we learn talking about Rob Ford and a tropical storm made of giant predatory fish, isn’t it? So, Ellis Jeopardy, a laugh riot as usual and in a surprise upset, the winner was Cumtard! the guys took a quick break and came back with some final calls on things and stuf, where stuff and things were explained and mused about with Jason and Tully. And before you forget, if you want to suggest some music for the guys to maybe put in rotation or possible influences for Horse Force, DON’T FUCKING TWEET IT CAUSE IT’S JUST TOO GOD DAMN HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF but you can email your suggestions to submittoellis@gmail.com. There was talk of pirate radio (the movie and the geurilla media trend of the 1970’s), and Steve Coogan (who was awesome in another movie called 24 Hour Party People about the birth of club music and the rise and fall of the band New Order), exercising, testosterone replacement therapy, and some other shit that I was only half paying attention too, but is valid and deserves our attention because we’re all Satan’s children and he loves us equally.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,