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Show Recap for Thursday 9/18/2014

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big-hog-cheddar-dog

Is this the Big Hog Cheddar Dog or Ellis’ giant penis?

It’s me again fuckers, bitPimps here to give you a recap on Thursday. Ellis gassed out 5 times today, he feels great, he feels alive. But since this is in the past, it’s not going to matter or be true any longer. Hamburgers and hotdogs, that shit was nowhere before America. Don’t even get started on pies, apple pie fucking rules the pile world. Hotdog is a fool because he loves fruit, but doesn’t like warm fruit, such as in a fresh apple pie. Hello, Hotdog, ice cream! Poor dude is so lost in his San Diego ways, it’s like he’s living a lie. But you know what? He’s the only person on the show who remembers where PieNot is. Tully’s family is southern enough to be full on white trash, but their close and he loves a good mozzarella stick – it sure beats the shit out of a hard boiled egg from a fucking gas station. Will came barging into the studio, not for anything particular, but he had pictures for Ellis to look at, pictures of the race Ellis will be at over the weekend. Some gay (or maybe not) guy posted full on nudes of Ellis online again. Calm down, it wasn’t fresh nudies, these were dick & balls from the Stern show, but put into boxes like those porn stars tend to do. This big race Ellis is going to? You can go there and ask to see his dick & balls if you want, which coincidentally or not, they are unveiling the “Big Hog Cheddar Dog” at this event, which is not Ellis’ dick & balls, but a huge thing on it’s own. Where did the saying ‘shit eating grin’ come from? And who grins after eating shit? Besides Germans, I mean. Some caller said the saying comes from ‘grinning like a possum eating shit’ but I’m calling bullshit on that. Even during the Great Depression, nobody was eating shit and grinning because of it. Now the saying, ‘sweating like a dog shitting peach seeds’ is totally traceable and understandable, because could you imagine trying to shit a peach seed? You’re gonna sweat profusely. The phrase ‘shitting in tall cotton’ is also totally traceable and makes sense. you’re shitting in a field, hidden by the cotton growing, and you get to use the cotton you pick to wipe your ass. It’s natures toilet paper, before it becomes toilet paper of course, but hey, it’s better than a poison oak leaf.

fart-a-thon-rule

The only rule to farting is don’t shit yourself. Well, that and don’t shit the mattress.

Brandon Lillard is a friend of the show and he got seriously hurt during a base jump. His medical bills are mounting there’s a GoFundMe page setup if you’d like to help. Hotdog gets to finish his signature segment, “what’s the worst fart experience you’ve had”. Ellis farted in the morning today and it scared Katie. She thought he was asleep, but he wasn’t, he had just woken up and his bubble butt ass let it rip. Hotdog knows what’s up, he wakes up farting too. I’m pretty sure all men wake up with farts ready to be released. Anyway, Hotdog kept his segment going from the previous day, when it got cut a little short because Ellis had to unexpectedly leave to go pick up Tiger from school. Callers with chili and fart stories came about, callers with non-chili farts called, it was a real fart-a-thon that Jerry Lewis would be impressed with, however, I’m not sure it beat the previous days fart-a-thon. One of the biggest surprises is that Hotdog has a sore tummy today and has been farting in the green room all morning. Tully wants him fired for this. Some dude farted in an elevator while Hilary Clinton was in there, that guy gets a t-shirt for his American fart efforts. Tully’s down with farting in front of Barbra Bush, and I’m backing that decision. She’s old, she wouldn’t even know if it was her, the person next to her, Jesus, or Satan. Oxycottonjohn called in with his own fart story, he got sent home one time from his work, he was farting so bad in the mail room and while he was delivering mail, he kept crop dusting the office. He got so many complaints, the boss came down and addressed the fartissue he had. While his boss is reprimanding him for his fart delivery, he was still ripping farts. He got sent home for farting too much. If you didn’t already know his legendary status, you should now. Ellis did not like learning that Tully tends to have to fart before he pisses. The conundrum is that the most acceptable place to rip a fart in front of another human is the bathroom. Hotdog got a few professional pointers on his segment and then we went to fart out some names for new Wolfknives members with Hotdog in tow, allowing him to test out his “off the cuff” skills. I found it endearing that towards the end of naming Wolfknives, Hotdog started to sound like an early 20-something Pendarvis.

top-gun2-oh

Wait. Is this about Top Gun 2 or shit? It’s shit. Isn’t it.

There’s a total douche social network starting up, and that little piece of news started off a whole situation that blew up into a douche bomb. So since there won’t be new music segment, it was a perfect time for World News. Which was written down, but didn’t actually exist. That was a perfect segue into Hollywood News, and to kick it off, it was the announcement of Kim Dylla (Vulvatron) becoming the new frontwoman of GWAR. Something or another about Sharon Osbourne and how one time she did something weird with Ozzy when she was young. Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are done, soooo… maybe she’ll leak a photo of her tits or something? I don’t know. Anyway, there’s 3 movies slated to be made that sound horrible. Top Gun 2 is one of them and you have to wonder how that’ll play out. Goose is fucking dead man. Does Tom Cruise come back as an instructor at Top Gun or is he all old and farting in an F-22 Raptor or… what the fuck? Anyway, Tom has apparently signed on for this fucking thing, and it also sounds like the movie will contain a lot of drones, so I guess he’ll be teaching sentient drones how it’s done when it comes to flying.  I don’t know where to go with that. Anyway, you’re not even reading this. This doesn’t even exist. And I’m just gonna close this thing out with sledgehammer. Ellis has a friend, a girl, who told him that one time during some butt eating, this girl’s boyfriend ate her butt, he found a nugget in there and ate it. And liked it. He said he enjoyed it. And one time he tried to pass it back to her. And you can probably guess who this girl is. And she didn’t like to get her poo passed back to her. And she also said it wasn’t that bad. And I have to Arsenio Hall out of this thing with a “hmmmmm”. So I leave you with this last bit of shit about butts. Trick Daddy don’t eat pussy anymore. He only eats butt. And he’ll eat your girls butt if you don’t, so keep that in mind. Thank you. Good night.

Callher Hates Pendarvis

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Laurie calls to explain her tweets to Ellis about why she hates Will. Not in that “why do you hate Tully so much?” kinda way either. Turns out only her and “Al” dislike Wilson. Oh, and “Al” doesn’t really dislike him, it was our old pal oxycottonjohn calling in to fuck around.


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Show Re-Cap for Thursday 11/21/2013

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Check out my Instagram!

Welcome to another fun-filled Thursday from Crüe Town, but not actually. Ellis swears he feels cancer in his face and he’s threatening that face cancer with a doctor’s scalpel. He’ll have that shit cut out, a sweet face scar, and gold teef. Then he’ll be fresh to death and chillin like Gucci Mane (pronounced Mang) but way better and without an ice cream cone tattooed on his face. People are still catching flack over their Ugg boots, which are made out of the skin from a sheep’s asshole. In an odd reverse anti-Ugg boot debate, Twitch’s wife posted something on Instagram about Ugg sheep and some Ugg boot supporter reported her for it. God bless the Internet trolls with severe trolliosis. Cows, sheep, pigs, chickens, they’re all getting treated brutally – but god damn are they really useful and tasty. Some clothes made out of animals are more acceptable than others, such as gator skin underwear. That shit is sooo sexy. There’s some YouTuber’s making $1.4 million dollars (and more) a year just posting videos on YouTube. Ellis saw some chick that just makes videos of herself in room or whatever and she’s banking it, so now the question becomes, how the fuck can we get in on that shit and start making the kind of money where a point (.) doesn’t go before the cents part. The guys kicked around a few ideas on what they could film and post to YouTube to start making some bank, but the whole relationship between Ellis and Rawdog is what would work, but Rawdog doesn’t want to do anything that makes him the target of ridicule or anything that may be poking fun at him. That didn’t stop callers and fans coming up with some ideas the guys could potentially use on their quest for YouTube fame. In the end, it’ll probably never happen because Ellis wants it to be more like a scene from Silence of The Lambs where Rawdog is trapped in a well and Ellis screams at him to put lotion on his skin. Meanwhile, Rawdog wants it to be more like an episode of Laverne & Shirley.

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Ellis talking to Rawdog

Some dude in Japan four backpacks and being the civil Japanese citizen he is, he turned that shit in and it was packed with $48 million dollars worth of cocaine. Tully desperately wants to go to Ricky Carmichael moto school (RCU), and Jason can only think about geography because it sounds cold where RCU is. But all Josh is worried about is if Ricky Carmichael is there. At his own school. Where he teaches people. At Ricky Carmichael University.

really_come_on

Ellis & Tully looking at Rawdog for not paying attention.

Ellis continued his geography lesson and did better than one might tend to think, but he also had a few hiccups where everything was Sacramento or Michigan. Apparently Snook was in full on normal kid mode today, she didn’t want to wear leggings because they’re itchy. Ellis was trying to reason with her, but she wasn’t having any of it, so he did what all us dad’s do. We tattle to mommy and let mommy play the bad guy. Except mommy never is the bad guy on anyone else’s part except her own, so just what would happen in my house, happened in Ellis’ house. The kid got what she wanted, because it’s just easier that way. This brought on a discussion about kids drinking coffee at really young ages and how crazy that is. I couldn’t imagine waking my daughter up for school, she’s tired, and I put out a few lines of cocaine next to her cereal bowl for the little pick-me-up she needs to start her day. Going back to pants for a minute, a caller named John cannot wear pants unless he absolutely has to and has freed himself of the tyranny of pants, and I say unto him, good on you sir! Keep fighting the good fight.

wish_i_could_quit_you

Rawdog loves pants. I mean he really, really loves pants.

Oxycotton John called up after the previous John, he’s going to get a new liver! The hospital called and said come on down, trade in your old liver and walk away with a new one! So shout out to him, we all hope you have a successful surgery and a speedy recovery, homeboy! Tully has never watched The Ultimate Fighter series, but he did last night and it completely sucked! Just kidding. Tully didn’t watch it, but not joking – it did completely suck because there were no fights, just more crying. Some people are backpedaling now about the GSP / Hendricks fight, now saying that GSP won due to the number of strikes, even though GSP’s face and Dana White totally disagree.

celebrities_with_money

Celebrities can’t manage their finances. Boo hoo.

Aaron Carter just declared bankruptcy. Who is Aaron Carter you say? And I’ll tell you, don’t worry your pretty little head about it, trust me. You’re better off not knowing who he is. But real talk for a second. People be filing for bankruptcy like it’s going out style, am I right? You know I am. Wilson is out sick today, but since he never stops working, he sent in a story about an FCC proposal to allow cellphone usage during flights. Jetta came up with a game called “Guess the fetish” for the guys to play, oh and we learned that he’s a basketball stud. Maybe. We don’t know that for sure. It’s a little premature to assume he’s a basketball stud. Okay, just know he played basketball once. Anyway, Jetta went through the Internet searching for some fetishes and will quiz the guys to see if they can tell what the fetish is based on the scientific name. As you can imagine, there were a lot of fucked up “philias” and “isms” and I don’t have time to look all them up, but that can be a game you play yourself, go look them up and then try to masturbate to completion to any of them. If you finish, that might be your fetish.

There’s a new world’s tallest water slide being built and I think it’s supposed to be wedgie free. Ellis has a friend (possibly Moses Itkonen) in the studio who refuses to speak, and he’s not friends with Rawdog, you, me, or the Pope, just Ellis – so there. The show was looking for calls from police officers, but only for about 10 seconds. After that, Shoebox came in not bearing any gifts, but he promises he will bring them in tomorrow. What gifts? Hard copies of the new Death! Death! Die! album. So he got a bit of an ass chewing for being a big fat liar, liar, pants on fire – caught it on a telephone wire. Cats leave shit crystals all over the place, they’re pretty nasty. We ended up hearing from cops about cops that fuck citizens, fuck Crips, fuck other cops, and generally just fuck and stuff. Then more Uggs versus Peta versus sheep versus minx versus cows talk. Sounds like Joanna Angel wants to book D!D!D! to play at an after party after the AVN awards and Tully can go as long as he wears his chastity belt. Best. Gig. Ever. And that pretty wraps up this recap, the only thing left to do is leave you some words of wisdom – so I’ll quote my wife: “Quit being such a lazyass and do something!”

shawshank_dick_butt

I drew you a picture!

Show Re-cap For Monday 12/10/2012

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Awkward porn is awkward.

It’s Monday, it’s colder than a well digger’s ass, and I’ve got a link to the sweetest fucking song/video that you must watch. Do puppies keep you at night because they’re chewing on your hands? Do you wake up in the middle of the night to watch porn where old ladies are doing young ladies? Well maybe you should. Or maybe Dingo should, because he just could not follow this story for the life of him. At first he thought it was mom on daughter, then he wasn’t sure what the scissor-kick-cookie-wiggle was, and I think he even started to think the topic was the new Spiderman movie. It took all three of the dudes to get Dingo back on track. Ellis initially started questioning his dick for a moment due to the weird underlying vibe the porn was giving off, at first he wasn’t into it, then he was, and then he went and banged out Katie. Manny Pacquiáo got clobbered hard enough over the weekend that people are already talking about his possible retirement from boxing all together. If you had to pledge your love to a new God and start going to church, which celebrity would it be that changes your life path and you start to follow? Chris Farley? Elvis Presley? Once again, Dingo went off the deep-end here claiming he’d follow Justin Bieber and Usher, or Quentin Tarantino, but not Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. It’s like I don’t even know Dingo anymore. Okay, so maybe I never really did know Dingo, but still.

For you people reading this, you probably already know oxycottonjohn (Yeahhhh Motherfuckers!) His little sister has setup a blog to accept donations for him and his mounting and very expensive medical bills. Please, if you can, help out a fellow EllisFam member. He’s a fucking great guy and would help you out if he could. Spread some love, you could use the good karma.

Not training for your fight because you still feel on your game?

Wanna see the worst free throw in the fucking history of basketball? Was that a relative of Rawdog’s? Was it Rawdog himself in costume? I’m pretty sure the answer to both is nope. Ellis has been teaching Katie pad work, not like pads for those light days in a girls life, we’re talking boxing here. Could we be seeing a “Dumped or Fired” fight at EllisMania 9, where Rawdog and Katie square off in the ring and the loser either gets dumped or fired? Time will only tell, but hopefully for the fans, this will become a reality. Some world champion mustache dude was there filming Dingo today, yup, that’s all there is to say about that exciting news – I guess at least he’s a world champion. Is it pronounced Appalachia or Far Fig Newton? Who gives a shit? Fight talk time. Ellis doesn’t think Shogun is finished, but a lot of other people do because he’s been getting his face rearranged quite a bit lately, but the only person who really knows is Mauricio “Shogun” Rua. B. J. Penn got beat again over the weekend and people still blame his laid back, weed smokin’ lifestyle for his lackluster performances of late. Nate Diaz flipped the bird on TV, is anyone really surprised that he would do this? He’s a bad-ass hoodlum, how could you think he wouldn’t do something like this eventually? I say more power to him.

Oh come on! I was just joking!

Quick, random thought: Am I the only one who thinks Maria Brink from In This Moment would be a lot hotter without the massive holes in her earlobes? Maybe it’s just me. Anyway, some corpse fell out of the sky, it wasn’t a ghost, it wasn’t “Slimer” from Ghostbusters, but just a dude that tried to travel for free and in the wheel compartment of a plane. Which has been tried before by others, and most of them were just as unsuccessful as he was. And Darwin wins again. Tully had another celebrity sighting over the weekend while taking his son to the swings at the park, guess who was there? No, not Danzig. Yup, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were there. I assumed with their child as I believe Gavin is no longer into little kiddies at the park, but low-and-behold, Tully never mentioned anything about their kid. Make of that what you will. Kurt Russell’s nephew went to the same school as Rawdog once. Neat, right? Wrong. I can understand you liked Overboard or Big Trouble in Little China, but come on.

There was talk about Camino & Rick, but it’s all old and it’s all lame. Apparently there was a tweet, and then someone else tweeted, and then people had thoughts, and then it was on the fucking show. I don’t listen to C&R, I’ve tried, but it’s just not my thing. If you do listen to them, great. No big deal. I can’t believe anyone cares about any of this. Seriously. Jude popped into the studio just long enough to hand out vaporizer presents to everyone and then boom, he was gone just like that. Do you prefer white chocolate? You’re probably a gaycist. Don’t argue about it, just accept it and move on. There might be a few more things I’m forgetting, but really – are you even paying attention at this point? Me neither. Who cares. Well, actually, I’ll tell you about one time that your mom did care. You were sitting at the kitchen table in the morning and said, “Hey mom, pass the fuckin’ corn flakes.” She took you out back and whipped you with a rod then sat you back down and said, “Now would you like something from the table?” You said, “Well I sure as shit don’t want those fuckin’ corn flakes.” And that’s how I knew you were the spawn of my seed. OH!