Show Recap for Thursday 9/11/2014

Hey there Lads and Ladies, and hopefully black people who are also Lads and Ladies, but, like Ellis, I’m just gonna throw the specification out there and hope that you are part of the audience of The Jason Ellis Show and are also here reading this wonderful recap on this fantastic site…and, really, no matter how many times I tried to write that sentence, it still feels kind of racist, so I’m just gonna throw out there that my Great Grandma’s name is Xulema and she was from Louisiana and I have booty for days and hold on to the dear hope that I am more than just the whitest of the white. God…still kind of racist. Whatever. Today’s show was not, in fact, a Best Of, which Hubbs and I may have been the only people who thought that for three seconds before we realized we were tuned into the Jason Ellis Channel (SiriusXM 713) rather than The Jason Ellis Show on Faction with Jason Ellis (SiriusXM 41) and Jason opened up the show with a big welcome to all of us listening and his sincere desire to have more really black friends because he doesn’t have close black friends, not to offend any of the acquaintance type friends he has that are black, and he thinks life would be better if he had one. And somewhere, Sal Masekela was probably listening to Ellis say these words and I imagine a single solitary tear rolling down his cheek as he was referred to as a ‘cream pie’ because…HA motherfucking Ha.

Anyway, HotDog wanders his wonderful boob touching self into the studio and he gets to talking with Ellis and Tully about what he’s been up to as of late and he says that he’s been loafing it pretty hard the past few days, which sounds really offensive to me, but he really just means that he’s been up to a whole lot of nothing but getting high and watching television. Which, consequently seems to be on the menu for da Hubbs and I since we have managed to find ourselves unemployed (and no, it’s not because we got caught having sex on a roof somewhere), except for the whole getting high thing since neither of us do that, and not really so much of the watching TV thing since we don’t really do that either. I’m actually fully over How It’s Made…I don’t think they make new episodes anymore (the Dream Cars don’t count because I don’t care about them) and I’ve seen every existing episode about a thousand times. Yeah, I inserted my own personal tragedy there. Fucking shithole douchebag scumbag asshole boss was like “Consider yourself unemployed because I need to blame someone for my mistakes that I make running my own business,” and I’m a little bummed, but also really mostly over it. On to bigger and better things and more time for recaps…am I right? But yeah, so Ellis, Tully, and Hotdog talked about working out, which is something that HotDog does not do, but thinks about from time to time and it seems like he might be taking some lessons from Ellis at his Garage Onnit Gym because HotDog can get his hands on a Tractor Tire, probably. Ellis and Tully also find out that HotDog has an apartment in LA (which I have no idea how they missed that the 100 other times he mentioned it) and learn that his favorite foods are pizza, doritos, and popcorn. Tully pegs HotDog as one of the luckiest people alive because he is one of those people whose life’s ambitions and pleasures are all relatively simple, as he is a young man who has never owned a pair of jeans in his life. I think Tully is kind of jealous of the happiness that HotDog finds in simplicity, but we all already know that Tully would kind of love to be one of those kinds of people, but in reality would probably hate it unless he managed to get a brain transplant so he could have the kind of personality to be satisfied by the simpler things in life.

Today is the HotDog’s first actual day back for his second round of interning for The Jason Ellis Show (which means all those boob grabs were freeloader boob grabs) and Ellis and Tully talk to him a bit about what he’s learned about the Radio Industry considering it is what HotDog wants to do with his life. He replies that he’s learned a lot about call screening and that he’s learned a lot about behind the scenes stuff from Will and Tully, and credits Ellis with teaching him how to work with people. Which is kind of funny since Ellis can come off rather volatile at times (because he cares, no hate here) but he clarifies saying that Ellis puts a premium on having everyone work together as a team to get things done. Then Ellis kind of puts HotDog on the spot and has him host a bit to try out the ‘Radio Host’ aspect of the biz and puts him on for Dude, Am I A Slut. HotDog only got to take two calls from two sort of sluts but sort of not sluts and I had my finger on the call button on my phone to call to have HotDog tell me that I am a slut because I felt bad, but I was behind a couple minutes in listening and by the time I got through they weren’t doing it anymore. Ellis gave HotDog a few pointers on what he can take away from the experience (other than being bad at it, but I don’t think he was that bad) and also let him know that over the course of this internship he’ll be given a few more shots at running bits to see if he gets any better, which is pretty cool.

After HotDog goes back to the Dungeon (or Green Room, you know, whatever you wanna call it) Tully brings up the season premiere of The Ultimate Fighter last night, and what Ellis thought about it. Ellis didn’t think all that much about it other than the house seemed cool and he noticed Justin Bua’s artwork on the walls, and the girls all seem like good fighters, but since there’s only been one episode he didn’t really have a handle on who he would pick to be a winner at this point. He talked a bit about the fight that took place on the episode and how, in the after show, the girl that lost was very steadfast with certainty that she shouldn’t have lost the fight even though she was on the ground most of the time, and Ellis said he’s starting to kind of understand that angle, which is an angle he previously took issue with. Ellis also said that he was kind of into the whole aftershow since he was more interested in watching the girl and host talk about the fight than he was in watching whatever drama occurred during the show itself when the girls were crying about who stole who’s makeup. It makes more sense than there being an aftershow for Teen Wolf, anyway…sorry short lived member of DDD! TyPo! (Lol, jk I’m not sorry at all, I don’t give a half shit about that show).

A Happy Birthday is in store for The Backbone, Bryan Cullen, the man behind the scenes and across the country from The Jason Ellis Show, so…Happy Birthday!!!! And yeah, it really blows that your birthday will basically forever be overshadowed by the fact that a National Tragedy occurred on this date in more recent history because thousands of innocent people lost their lives…and there’s no other way to end that sentence. It is also September 11th, which is a date that no one will ever forget, and a day where I hope everyone takes just a couple of minutes to remember the lives lost, and the lives that continue to be lost not just because of the terrorist organization responsible for the WTC and Pentagon attacks, but because of Terror Organizations everywhere…with all this ISIS stuff going on, with the unrest in Syria…wars are still being fought whether they are called wars or not, and there are still Americans overseas losing their lives as well as the innocent people in those countries who are subjected to horrific things every day. I don’t think there can ever be world peace, but, I think that there is a more peaceful world we can be living in and I think it’s important to remember. There are a lot of people who think we should forget, who don’t want to remember, and I understand that…but it’s like saying all those people don’t matter. I’m a New Yorker, September 11th is a big deal to me…I know people who died 13 years ago today and I know people who are still overseas fighting these battles. It’s a sad day, like Ellis said, but Happy Birthday Backbone, you’re a great man to us all!

On to….equally depressing things…Ellis is headed to Australia for the Holiday Season. Like, really. Had to talk about booking flights and stuff and it occurs to him now that he is actually going through with it and he is going to be in Australia for the first time since he was married. That’s a long time. It’s kind of messing with him a bit because there’s a lot of unresolved shit back home in Koala Land and as much as he wants to deal with it, he doesn’t want to deal with it, he just wants to be past it and…he says he feels like he’s ready but…oh ellipses, you’re such a brutal fuck sometimes. Ellis has issues with his Mum and how she reacted to him trying to talk to her about things from his childhood and he has a lot of resentment for her and doesn’t  really think that she did the best that she could with him considering the cards that she was dealt. Ellis wants her to have a relationship with his kids and his kids want a relationship with her, and he doesn’t want to let his kids in on the info that screwed his relationship with his mother in the first place. This part of the show was super sad for me. I dunno…there were a couple of callers with some really good advice and a lot of encouragement and Tully suggesting that maybe he should just write his mother off in his mind (until his kids are grown and he can write her off for real) and it was just sad. I mean, really, Ellis’s mother didn’t even text him back when he was going in for Heart Surgery. That shit is colder than cold.

Back from the first break, Women, Am I Right? If you were listening yesterday then you knew this was on the menu for today and after a long break between crazy lady stories…let’s see what antics the female population has been up to, shall we? First off there’s the lady who crashed her car while shaving her vag on her way to see her boyfriend…which is just…amazing. I mean…I get touchy shaving my vag in the shower because I’m scared that one false move will disfigure my very very beautiful vagina…but holy, shit lady…what happens if you hit a bump in the road? Or you know, like another fucking car?!?!?!?!?!?! But, I guess she thought she had all her bases covered since she had her Ex-Husband in the car with her and he was working the wheel while she had her feet on the pedals and her hands and eyeballs on her vaginal area, so I can see how she felt a little more confident in this FUCKING INSANE ENDEAVOR. And, also lady, hi five on getting your ex to help you drive to your boyfriend’s house while you shave your vag #classyasfuck. Next up, there’s the lady who performed a home invasion and bit the face of her female victim and claimed it was part of a zombie game and had nothing to do with her being high as fuck, and I’m just over here being like, The Walking Dead isn’t even back on TV for another month you dummy. Although it did make Ellis think that he should start a zombie game on Instagram, which I kind of look forward to cause, you know, Zombies rule. That kind of pales in comparison to the Florida Babysitter who stabbed a man she babysits for because he refused to have sex with her. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Isn’t the Dad supposed to be all creepy and try and seduce the babysitter? And on and on it went because…Women, Am I Right?

Speaking of New York (which I was earlier and so were Jason and Tully) The Jason Ellis Show is performing a Tour de Horse this October and will be coming to New York for a week and topping it all of Saturday, October 25th with a HorseForce performance and hopefully some Ellismania Fight Prelims cause HELL YEAH!!!! Ellis wants to take some calls for ideas from fans for some new fight ideas because NY is gonna be a test run for whichever fight seems like it will work the best and then that is going to be a new fight at the long anticipated Ellismania 10, prolly in Vegas. Ellis is still backing his Master Blaster idea where two people are strapped to him and Kit Cope and they all duke it out and there are some other promising ideas put forth by callers including a Blindfold Fight, A Bouncy Castle type Fight, a T-Rex Fight, a Fight with weighted Boots, and some other things which I missed because shit happened and I lost 5 minutes…but it was only five minutes so…deal with it. Tully also brought up an idea for Shock Collar Charades performed by fans which I think sounds like an amazing idea and I fully volunteer to don the shock collar and act out charades for Hubbs to guess…because that’s sexy, because I’m a freak. They’re also thinking about bringing the punch pad out here and letting fans throw some punches, and having HotDog judge him some East Coast Boobies…which, again, I volunteer myself for, because my boobs are awesome and Hubbs is cool with it because it’s for a good cause.

Back from another break Tully and Ellis are talking about a statue in Vancouver that is a giant Satan where the penis was taken off for being offensive. There is a petition going around to have the Satan statue re-endowed and the police up there are all ‘hey, come on down and get the penis’ but no one has fallen for that one yet. They go on to talk about all manner of statues that could be lewd and crude and offensive and wonder if they would be forced to take them down or not, and if the same size statue, but of Jesus or something Christian were around, if people would have a problem with it. This gets transitioned into a veryveryveryvery long segment where Tully wonders if there’s any other Celebrity/Public figure that deserves to be taken care of/given a job a la World’s Greatest Wednesday Hulk Hogan. And…honestly…I was not a big fan of the segment. It went on for like 45 minutes longer than it should of and my mind constantly wandered to, “huh, I guess they didn’t have much planned for the show today” and if I pumped it up and was all, ‘best segment ever’ I’d be a liar and I am not a liar. I enjoyed it for the first 15 minutes, approximately, but then it got all draggy and I continued taking notes but not being too happy about it. There are several celebs who Ellis and Tully think are deserving of the Hulk Hogan treatment, like Marilyn Manson, Cindy Lauper, Pamela Anderson, Danzig, David Lee Roth, and Mr. T…and they should be showered with small apartments or farms in Minnesota, but there were tons of celebs offered up by the callers that got the big ‘hell no’ or the less offensive, ‘no, they don’t really need any help, they’re doing good’ like Tomg Green, Pauly Shore, LT, Ralph Macchio, and Vanilla Ice. Like I said, I didn’t really enjoy the segment and it fell kinda flat, so I’m not going to subject you to reading about it because in this case, I HAVE ALL THE POWER SO YOU GOTS TO BE SUBJECTED TO MY WILL NIETSCHE-STYLE.

Rounding out the show, amidst final calls, Tully brings up that Ellis will be on with Dr. Drew tonight and one of the things that he will be discussing is the lady who decided to give her child some Fireball Whiskey, post a pic of it to Facebook, and subsequently was arrested. Now, Ellis and Tully seem to agree that this woman was very stupid to post the picture to social media given that in these wonderful times we live in, there are whistle blowers everywhere, and she may generally not be the best mom ever…but criminal? They go back and forth on the difference of if it had been a sip of beer, if the kid had been older than 7, if it was a shot as opposed to a sip…and I just think that we’re in different times. Things that our parents did to us or for us, are things that get people arrested today, for better or for worse. No…you probably should not give a 7 year old a sip of whiskey, but you should definitely not do it and then post it to Facebook. I don’t remember when I had my first taste of wine, but I was prolly around 9 and my parents didn’t make a big deal about it. I don’t really worry about it with my stepson because he thinks that Daddy’s beer smells really bad (probably because he thinks anything that isn’t water is disgusting). Do I think the lady should have been arrested and that she should go to jail? Not really. If anything, yeah, maybe get CPS to pay her a visit and make sure everything is going okay and at most she should have been given some sort of citation…but prolly having her arrested is insane. There was a caller that suggested that maybe there was something more going on behind the scenes since she experienced something similar and DSS asked her a couple questions and everything was okay…but I don’t even know about that. Social workers are people, they have to rely on their own instincts to make judgment calls and sometimes they can be overly cautious…also, considering the amount of scrutiny that Social Workers are under nowadays some may operate under the ‘better safe than sorry’ policy that can lead to traumatic experiences for families who haven’t done anything wrong. Whatever…just some thoughts.

What we learned on TJES today:

Ellis wants more black friends

HotDog gets the refillable bucket of popcorn at the movie theater so he can bring it home for snacktime

Caller Holly is a Slut…and she knows it

Ellis is going to start Transcendental Meditation with Katie

Don’t shave and drive

Sluggo Hurt his back

Leave Danzig Alone

BJ Baldwin is kind of a superstar

Minnesota has plenty of room to give some celebs free farms

Burt Reynolds > Ocean’s 11 cast

Ellis is going to see Sam Tripoli perform some comedy tonight

Good Comedy is way harder to find than Good Tits

 

 

Thanks for listening to me blather on, guys!!! Love you xoxo

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/5/2014

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Who wants champagne & titties?

It’s Friday, bitches! I’ll be your host for today, bitPimps here filling in for my brother from another vagina, AZ_RedDragon, while he’s off marrying his sister or watching his sister get married, I forget which. TJES is broadcasting live from the Roosevelt in Hollyweird, with a bunch of chicks with tits. Oh, and let’s not forget Hotdog & his donkey dick are there, ready to get some action. Of course the crew is there, except for Wilson – he’s back at the studio schmoozing up on Shannon The Animal Gunz. Nipplopolis and her husband are there, so is Fonzo – lucky fuckers. Everyone has been notified that Hotdog is a virgin and has never felt a boob, a butt, or anything. Oh, by the way, this is all streaming free on OfficialJasonEllis.com. Jetta tried to rally the girls to play some nude limbo, not a single chick spoke up. So Katie tried to rally the girls to see if anyone wanted to do some nude arm wrestling against her, nobody said shit again until finally one of the girls nominated another girl to do it. Champagne is popping to try and get the girls to loosen up and participate in anything other than chatting with each other. On an odd / interesting note, Joanna Angel doesn’t like her nipples played with, but she’s cool with 6 dicks and a finger in her ass. Go figure. Joanna started to dominate Katie, she really came out of the gate strong by asking her to sit / lay down. hahaa Things turned a little more violent after Katie was being choked & asked to be slapped, which Joanna obliged to the point she thought maybe Ellis was going to beat her up for slapping Katie so hard.

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The only time in history nobody complained about the camera being blocked.

Back from break and it’s time for Katie to defend her arm wrestling title, this time against Jessie Lee. Two more chicks arm wrestled for Over The Top supremacy and the Mexican chick straight up cheated by using both hands and an illegal titty grab on her opponent. Some chick there who writes porn & tests out masturbation products for women has not tested a product because she was worried that it might produce air in her vagina which would kill her via air-embolism. Anyway, she lost her arm wrestling bout. Two more chicks are up for their turn at the Over The Top challenge, the cheating Mexican and a fully mixed chick with a ghetto booty. I think the half-breed chick won, then she went for the previous winner and took her out as well. Now is the championship round with Katie and Larry? I don’t know, that’s what it sounded like, it’s the mixed breed chick. So they go at it left handed and Katie won. Next round was right handed and mixed chick won. Vagina inflation update from Cumtard, theoretically, you could die from air in your vagina. Now, on to limbo, except nobody wants to limbo – at least not in without a nice set of heels to wear. Things finally started getting under way with about 6-8 contestants. It got whittled down to a group of 3 super flexible women, all of whom tied for champion of the limbo contest. For his efforts holding the limbo pole, Hotdog got a hot Mexican’s ass twerking on his pee-pee.

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What could be better than a hot chicks ass? Tully’s ass.

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Hotdog going to do man work, feeling boobs!

Back from break and we got a story of a man whose buddy stuck an air-compressor hose in his buddies ass and blew his guts up. Oh, and food is now served! Hotdog has disappeared into the bathroom, allegedly to get a quick jerk session in before he starts judging boobs. He may also be a little drunk already, after-all he’s only had a peanut butter & marshmallow sandwich to eat so far. But enough about blown out guts and sandwiches, let’s get Hotdog feeling some boobies. He’s going to freestyle how he feels them, no coaching involved. He’ll be standing behind each set of tits, taking the back route, under the arm, all the way to titty-ville. So the first set of tits are from Jessie Lee, and how did Hotdog like them? “I can’t lie, they feel pretty awesome.” was his lackluster response. Second set of titties, I don’t know this chicks name, his response was pretty much the same, except he added he thinks he might like bigger tits better, to a set of smaller tits. Class act, that Hotdog. hahaa Third set of tits were those of Phoenix Askani, she’s into buttholes and weed, and she’s drunk. Hotdog grabbed his 3rd set of tits and Phoenix feels like she’s getting a mammogram. Fourth set of titties are those from someone I don’t know, she doesn’t know her own Twitter, so it’s cool. He not only felt her boobies, she showed him her wee-wat. Fifth set of titties are those of Jenna Valentine, she has massive jugs and Hotdog had to really put his back into it. In the end, who won? Everyone. Fuck it, when tits are out, there are no losers.

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Fonzo didn’t realize winning meant he’d have to be that close to Cumtard’s ass tail.

Back from break and it’s time for some chicks to workout, breathe heavy, and say stuff. Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen have showed up, strictly in a professional capacity of course. There’s about 10 girls participating in this at the same time. Some girls will be doing squats with kettle bells while the others will be doing ladder climbs for 45 seconds to 1 minute. I’ve gotta pull a Hotdog here and say, I’m not gonna lie, it started out sounding like that German gape porn and turned into something out of one of the Saw movies or something. hahaha The Mexican chick is telling her story about almost lighting a man on fire to Callen and Schaub – you may remember how into pain play Callen was last time he was on the show. Brendan Schaub will now show the girls some Jiu-Jitsu technique by laying on his back while a girl will get into his guard and try to escape or tap out. After she taps (or escapes hahaha) another girl will take her place to try escaping as well. But first, Callen has to get in a 5% gay guard to show the girls what they will be doing and the girls are demanding Schaub takes off his shirt. Schaub took out three chicks as well as a surprise attack by Katie, so Schaub gets to have his arm raised for beating up 3 different chicks. The ladies are starting to sound like drunk construction workers making cat calls and getting a little rapey with there demands to get Schaub nude, grab his dick, etc. He may need to be escorted out with security, I don’t know. It’s time for a break and the pin the tail on the donkey, or “stick a pin in Cumtard’s ass”, whatever you wanna call it. And yes, he will donning the C-string.

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MumTard must be so proud of her little CumAngel.

Back from break and Cumtard and his yam bag in a c-string are apparently a hit with the ladies, they keep screaming and smacking his ass. Whitney is enamored by Cumtard’s c-string. It took awhile to get the ladies going as they were on the bed taking pictures and such. Eventually things got under way and some ladies put some pins right in his curdled ass. Phoenix seemed to really take pleasure in her turn as she not only stuck the pin in his ass, but then proceeded to slap it home several times. This Dave dude from the UFC who came with Whitney via Onnit has given Cumtard his last warning, his dick is way too close for comfort. Oh yeah, and that Kellie chick who is friends with Katie took the body wash she co-created with Ellis and ate some of it, it tasted salty. There ya go. Chicks were also getting some anal lube from their throats. Somewhere along the way, Christian Hand snuck his way into the party, he’s never turns down an opportunity to meet some semi-naked hot chicks. The remainder of the show was spent talking with “Mr. Miami Club Scene” Brendan Schaub, fighting, UFC, and big booty babes he doesn’t discriminate against. Ellis is off to Minnesota, he will be racing this weekend and it will be on some ABC Sports channel, so check that out if you want. And there you have it folks. Enjoy your weekend, like the rest of us enjoyed your mother, over, and over, and over, and over… Rinse & repeat.

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 9/3/2014

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Is he gonna mention… OH! HE DID! Doo-doot-dah-doo.

Welcome to Wednesday and welcome to this recap, bitPimps here filling in for your usual Wednesday host CrackerStacker6. He’s busy playing grown up with work stuff, so you’re stuck with me. Deal with it. Ellis might try some transinmental demonstrations, also known as transcendental meditation, which of course is also known as letting your cock do the feeling for you – literally. He also thinks he’s got 2 ingrown hairs above his dick from the waxing, making it look like a face down there. Katie tried to pop them shits and get the hair out and she also popped a pimple on Ellis’ back, because she’s a ride or die bitch. Tully’s got a wicked pimple on the back of his earlobe that he just can’t get. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s show on HLN last night. They talked about War Machine and how some people are backing him beating up his ex-girlfriend because, trifling bitches be getting outta line. Then they talked about the recently leaked nude photos of celebrities like Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton, also known as “The Fappening”. I got a shout out for sending Ellis a tweet last night about the topic which spurred him to drop a sweet little mini-bomb on Drew’s show, it was pretty hilarious because it broke this bitches brain to the point she couldn’t even finish her sentence and the rest of the panel was left a bit speechless. Oh, live broadcast Friday from the Roosevelt, 15 girls gargling cum and spitting it into each other’s assholes! There’s a contest too, if you can get to Hollywood on Friday, you can be eligible to win your shot at being a part of this massive dick-ka-bob orgy fest, plus you could walk away with all kinds of free kick-ass shit. Hit up WolfknifeOfTheYear.com or MissWolfknives.com to enter and win!

Hollywood News time, Cee Lo Green is stupid and might be getting fucked in the buttocks for saying kind of getting convicted of rape and kind of saying it ain’t rape if the bitch is unconscious. Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie got married! Did you just cum? Corey Feldman got divorced or something! Did you just cum again? Justin Bieber wrecked his ATV into someone’s minivan and got into a fight so now he’s in trouble again. Clean up your cum. As well all know, Suge Knight got shot the fuck up, maybe because he was going to be a rat and write a book about some dirty deeds done dirt cheap. Spray some Febreze, it still smells cummy. Chris Tucker owes back taxes for 2001, 2002, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2008, and 2010 – for a grand total of $14M! Holy shit man. You just got knocked the fuck out lost your home and cars! The lead singer of Survivor died, ironically – Survivor, get it?

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George Washington definitely drank his own Kool-Aid.

A listener (Ryan) sent in an electric fly-swapper / bug zapper racket thing, so of course it had to be tested on Cumtard. Tully shocked Cumtard’s bare ass and flab-abs for awhile, it sounds like we might have a new torture device for the show. Then Wilson brought in his massive white meat, ham hock shins for a zapping on his bad knee. I don’t think it helped, but tomorrow will be the real indicator. Cumtard got another zap on his ear and saw God. World’s Greatest Wednesday, who in their own mind, believes themselves to be – at their peak – the world’s greatest person? Whether they are or not. Here are your top 10, in order:

  1. Kanye West
  2. Dan Bilzerian
  3. Genghis Khan
  4. William Shatner
  5. Kim Jong-un
  6. Arnold Schwarzenegger
  7. Steven Seagal
  8. Hulk Hogan
  9. Charlie Sheen
  10. Muhammad Ali
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What’s on my face? I mean, besides a handsome smile?

Floridians have been put on alert by a fat, furry caterpillar that makes itself a home in the trees there. The catch? It’s covered in venom and will fuck your shit up quick, son. But enough about furry little caterpillars that will kill you, it’s time for What’s On My Face! Cumtard will be competing against Ellis, both will be wearing the “cone of shame” that dogs wear when they get their nuts clipped. Cumtard gets the first mystery item, which turned out to be honey. Ellis missed his guess, which turned out to be wet toilet paper. Cumtard scores his second point by guessing the next item, chewed up bubble gum. Ellis scores his first point by guessing a stick of butter. Cumtard guessed his next item pretty easily because Jetta cracked an egg on his forehead and dumped it into the cone of shame. Ellis managed to guess his next item, vaseline. I’m near pissing myself at this point between the egg and vaseline. Cumtard finally guessed his next item, it took him awhile, but he finally got it – a tampon. Ellis got his next item pretty quickly as it ran into his eye, it was yogurt. Cumtard can’t stop smelling cum and shit and now his next item is leaking into his eye as well, but he powered through and guess it, it was pork-n-beans. Ellis can’t stop guessing seriously dead meat, he’s losing composure on this one as Hotdog keeps smushing this thing into his face & head. He never regained composure and failed to guess the item, a raw chicken foot. Cumtard just got waterboarded so he guessed it pretty quickly, but was terrified as he almost drown. Ellis guessed his next item pretty quickly as well, probably from the stench & suction, it was an octopus tentacle. Cumtard heard the words you never want to hear for his next item, among the various “OH NO!” and “I don’t know where that one went” comments, he finally guessed it, meal worms. Ellis guessed his right way as it got a shock collar right to the face. Cumtard got his next item right away too, permanent marker being scribbled on his face. Ellis didn’t take long fo guess his last item either as it started to freak out on his face, it was a gecko. For those of you not keeping score, Cumtard won the contest. Recapping it just doesn’t do it justice, you should really go back and listen to the bit, it was pretty fucking hilarious.

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Food service workers. Fucking up your order since the beginning.

I don’t know if this proves there is no God, or it proves there is a God, but this Brazilian man was born with an upside down head and became a public speaker! Christ on bike, that image will fucking haunt you for the rest of your life, or at least for the rest of today. The man who shut down a kid’s lemonade stand is now under investigation, and not just for being a massive dickhead. Oh, by the way, check out Faction. Some of Ellis’ 2 hour pre and 2 hour post show music selections are starting to work their way into the mix! That pretty much wraps up the show and this recap. I hope you enjoyed yourself. And now, back to your regular scheduled programming.

Show Recap for Thursday 8/21/2014

Some people just have that fire in their eye, you know, and it makes you know that you are not the person to be fucked with because you have fire eyes, and hopefully your eyes aren’t on fire because I’m pretty sure having eyeball nerves melting would suck pretty bad until only your pupils were remaining to be burned cause, you know, no pain receptors there. You know who has fire in his eye as he’s deftly maneuvering around the basketball court of his local LA Fitness? Tully. That’s right…and my, oh my, Tully apparently sure looks refreshed for today’s show. Probably because he was just doused, as is the oh so popular thing right now, by a bucket of ice water over his head. Tully admits that he feels super refreshed and is digging on his whole spikey hair and swim trunks vibe that he’s rocking in the studio, so much so that he didn’t change into the clothes that he had brought along for after the stunt. And also, yeah, he has fire in his eye when he plays basketball, and tennis, and (in my opinion) anything else competitive. I mean, you guys heard the Best Of from the other day, where he and Ellis were playing Pictionary against CumTard and…some guy….some comic book guy…god, whose name I seriously can not remember right now, but man Tully got full on snarky within seconds of beginning to draw. And apparently, pick up basketball at LA Fitness is a sewer of lying, cheating, pieces of shit who have fights over the score and call stupid fouls because they’re sore losers and Tully basically needs to get his trash talk on. Ellis, of course, is also a man with fire in his eye, and he used to say ‘Fuck’ at the vert ramp. Like, a lot. He said there were times that he should have put a plug in it, but he didn’t, and- hey, speaking of skating, Ellis is thinking of going to Venice Beach this weekend and get his skate on. That sounds so lame. Obviously I have never done more than rolled down the street on my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles skateboard back when I was eight. But yeah, Ellis went for a bit of a ride around on his new deck yesterday and did a couple ollies and went ‘weeeeee’ and landed them, like a professional skateboarder does, and he doesn’t have the kiddies Saturday so GAME ON, MOTHERFUCKER!!! Ellis says that he feels like his body still knows how to skate and he’s pretty sure if he got on a vert ramp and was given 5 minutes he would be able to pull some shit out, but there is a part of him that so seriously does not want to run into anybody and really really does not want to fall.

Ellis watched some videos of him racing UTV’s when he went last weekend and even though he didn’t do so bad, he says that he is a bad driver and he sees a lot of room for improvement. He says that he wiggles too much in there and needs to tighten things up a bit, because things like that mean seconds in terms of improvement and races are won in those seconds. Red Dragons. Maybe. Ellis then talked about how he saw a story that some 15 year old kid who was racing in the Lucas Oil Series got shit whipped and punctured and lung and just, Fuck that, man. Ellis would be so pissed if he were racing and after all of that time and effort and hard work he did something that almost made him die. Fuck that. Super bitter. But Tully chimes in to say that, well, shit like that can happen even if you aren’t racing UTVs. Lungs be collapsin all over the damn place. Sometimes they do it for no reason (that’s me lying to you) and, you know, hey, you could be walking down the street and someone could be trying to rob a bank by throwing a brick through the window (because of all of the times that has been tried and worked) and since they obviously aren’t very bright as they are trying to rob a bank by smashing a window, they miss the window and the brick hits you square in the chest and bing, bang, boom, motherfucker, you have a broken lung. Or something. Anything could kill any one of us at any time, so we really should all just stay home, except no, because most Fatal Accidents occur inside the home, according to Tully, so really there’s no reason to get out of bed, but uh-oh, there are tons of ways to die in bed as well. Fuck it. Ellis makes a joke about how he would die in bed, and Tully does that whole guy thing where he’s like “Hell yeah!” but quickly takes it back, because really, that isn’t the shittiest way to die, but it isn’t the best way to go either. Ellis agrees saying that it’s gotta suck to be all of a sudden having a great time, to having a heart attack and that fear and then being dead and then having the lady your with shaking you and pumping on your chest trying to bring you back to life while she cries out your name, because at that moment in time, every lady turns into that stereotypical heroin junkie girlfriend pathetic and desperately trying to revive her OD’d lover. That’s a proven fact, son. Tully brings up that if he were given the choice if he were fatally ill and had the oppurtunity, he’d give his family his farewell speech and get high as fuck until there was no more high to fuck. Ellis is super on board with this idea and they riff for a while about getting high and dying, which really wasn’t as morbid as it sounds, and Ellis talks about different ways to go out with the highest fuck of a bang with the contenders being getting super high and shot over/into the Grand Canyon, getting high and shot into space, or getting high and going into a submarine and into the deep ocean to be chill and isolated and depressed as fuck for his last few days while listening to Morrissey. Well, Tully finds that last idea unappealing, but that motherfucker hates the beach. Who hates the beach? I mean, he’s from Jersey. There was a really horrible show about a the Jersey Shore…how can he hate the beach? And that sand excuse? Fuck that. Sand is wonderful. And it washes off and vaccuums right up. I know. I live on an island. There’s sand around here in fucking excellent supply, even if you’re in the middle of the island. But, Tully does agree that if you’re gonna do something super depressing while your dying, Morrissey is the way to go because that dude was affected, if you know what I mean, in fact, if you are currently dying or about to shoot yourself in the face or something (please don’t be doing that because I would be really sad) you should prolly check out a song called ‘Asleep’ because it is the ultimate soundtrack to your death if you wanna put it on repeat.

Ellis has been finding some interesting things on Instagram that he kind of can’t believe is on Instagram, as if he posted pictures like that he’d be on his fourth account by now, and one of the things has been a lingerie (Lawn-jer-ay…every time he said it I giggled) line called Belle de Nuit (Beautiful Lady of the Night) and it makes him think that Courtney Love is making a comeback because they have pictures of her on their website, and she doesn’t look all that bad. Which is good. Good for her. Tully thinks that it may be because her daughter, Frances Bean, is old enough now to kind of be the ‘mom’ and make sure that Courtney isn’t flying off the rails, which is also good, but really kinda sad. Tully tells a story about a time when he saw Courtney Love outside of Swinghouse back in the day (the days where she was really nowhere near the rails…well…maybe one kind of rail ;) and he said that she looked completely disconnected from reality with darting eyes and being corralled by a handler and looking like a Junkie ET. Tully then brings up that he is into Jean Provocateur Lingerie, but it’s super expensive and he has yet to actually buy any of it for that Lady Friend of his that he calls his Wife. They get into a discussion about what they find sexy and how their sexual lives started very differently, as Tully had to try and catch sneak peeks of boobs in R-Rated movies and sometimes hang out with that one kid he knew whose dad had a stack of Playboys, whereas Ellis remembers that the first porn he watched as a child (like, fully as a child) included a scene where a bunch of dudes all came on some salad and the ladies ate it. That’s pretty advanced. This led to talks about the other interesting things that Ellis has found on Instagram that should be on an app that Tully needs to invent (before someone else does) called Sinstagram that include some serious dominatrix stuff and that’s cool, even the picture of a girl who was rocking mousetraps on her side thingies (labia) and a giant fishhook up her butt was kind of cool. What Tully brings up that makes Ellis kind of squeamish is the whole Rape Fantasy thing, which Tully purports or rather common in the kink world. Or even the not so kink world. They talk about rape fantasy for a bit, and like I said, Ellis seemed sort of squeamish about the whole thing even though he’s into Domination, but he really doesn’t like the thought of pretending to rape someone. It’s a hard topic to really talk about and not sound kind of like an asshole unless you have a psychology degree…so that’s really all I’m going to say about it. I don’t have a psychology degree.

On to less Rape Fantasy things…Ellis is still looking at houses that he might want to and/or be able to buy and he brought up that whole wanting ninjas to fight him after breakfast idea, and said that may not be the most practical of all things…but he’s kind of thinking that he wants a room in his house to be a Dojo. And if he can’t have that room in his house…he could always build something like that in his backyard, right? Tully says, “Of course” and the subject quickly switches to Tully’s Ice Bucket Challenge Video which is pretty adorable and Ellis says he did a good job. People have been asking Ellis what he thinks of the whole Ice Bucket Challenge now that it’s reached that time in viral trend timeline where people are down on it because everyone is doing it and Ellis replied “16 Million dollars” which is a great reply. They ALSA is actually reporting closer to $40 Million dollars now, so fuck anyone who wants to hate on a silly activity that is doing astounding things for medical research. They talk about Cystic Fibrosis and AIDs research and Ellis talks about how he just wants everything that affects kids to be cured, cause the kids are innocent and they shouldn’t have to die before they even get to be people. It’s so true, my cousin died from Cystic Fibrosis when I was little and…that shit is fucking heartbreaking. Every charity should have something so popular, something that encourages people to donate, because those millions and millions of dollars are going to save lives.

Speaking of little kids, Ellis and Tully DadBro Down a bit about their kids and being fathers for a bit, Ellis saying that he likes hanging with Devin’s 9 year old friends for a few minutes when he picks her up from school because kids are open books, and Tully saying that Little Dude has thoughts no deeper than ‘Choo-choo’ and ‘Dump Truck’ and ‘Thomas’ and it was so much easier to think that deeper thoughts were happening when he didn’t talk so much. Ellis also says that he has been reading to his kids every night and feels like his reading is really improving. It’s a big step for him as a Dad because he always used to try and get out of the bedtime reading thing because he didn’t want to be made fun of for how he reads, and he’s pretty proud that he can read whole stories to them now. And i think that’s fucking awesome. I ‘awwwwwww’d out loud. Especially cause he understands the little dotty things better now.

Rounding out the discussion from the beginning of the show Ellis brings up the Podcast he recorded with Jesse Ventura since it wasn’t the friendliest podcast of all time and asks Cumtard if he’s heard anything from the Jesse Ventura camp as to whether it’s going to be posted or not. So far as anyone knows it’s going to be posted. Apparently they got into a disagreement over legalizing weed and gay marriage (we all know where Ellis sides with this, right?) and the fake/toughness of pro wrestling versus MMA. Again…we all know where Big Daddy J comes down…on the side of MMA. Jesse Ventura, being a former pro wrestler thinks he’s the toughest of the tough of the toughest of all the tough sports…but…whatever…who really cares? Is that guy still a guy? Or a thing? Who the hell cares? Of course MMA is a tougher sport…they’re athletes that are doing real things, not actors with tons of muscles getting fake body slammed again and again.

After the first break, Ellis enlightens us to the fact that he has a razor burn above his penis from where he got waxed…so…he has wax burn (i dunno if that’s a thing, but why not) and it’s uncomfortable and he doesn’t like it and will prolly never get that bit waxed again. Tully tells us about a news story where a man faked his death to get out of marrying his girlfriend because obviously that guy is both a pussy and a dick.  Then they get into a segment where each of the guys in the green room and Tully have picked 5 songs for possible play on Faction with Jason Ellis and Ellis is supposed to yay or nay and try and figure out who picked which song. And honestly…I wasn’t a fan of the segment. It took a long time and they didn’t always say the name of the song, or the band name, and I’m not really good at identifying music (i can’t even really do it to music that I always listen to). So…over the course of an hour clips of songs were played, everything Jetta picked got an ‘uh, no’ and Tully, Will, Cumtard, and HotDog all got at least one or two yesses for their picks.

At Halftime Tully reminds us that there are tons of other causes out there worthy of our attention, including Multiple Sclerosis, which you can learn more about by visiting Jack Osbourne’s site. Also, don’t forget that Ellis’s website is no longer Ellismania…that has been hijacked and it’s over and dead. Instead, go to Offical Jason Ellis and sign up or just watch the free video. Also, if you want, you can listen to TJES even when it isn’t live by using the OnDemand Function that is available with the SiriusXM app…and of course, there is also The Jason Ellis Channel 713 for all of your 24 hour, Jason Ellis needs.

At this point, Tully is about to open up a segment involving stories about people’s crazy ex’s because, “everyone has one” but then Will ruins it by saying, “Except HotDog” because HotDog, that oh so lovable intern who will be doing a second internship with the show so we don’t lose him (yay!!! So many yays!!!) has never had a girlfriend. Tully and Ellis call HotDog into the studio for a chatty chat. HotDog is 21 and a very lovable guy, from what we’ve all heard, and it seems kind of impossible that he has never had a girlfriend or even made out with a girl. But, he has eaten a girl out, which Ellis is quick to correct to he has ‘licked a girl’s cookie’. Hotdog says that sex really isn’t a top priority for him and he doesn’t want to go out and try and pick up girls, but he isn’t opposed to having sex with girls. To me, it just sounds like he doesn’t want to work for it. He doesn’t have anything against fooling around with pornstars, although he doesn’t really want to be jerked off by one poolside in front of a bunch of people, and Ellis believes him that he just really doesn’t care that much. The conversation gets sidetracked by The Wheel of Doom potential tortures, but the best one that gets brought up is from our very own Bitpimps and includes having Hotdog sit on your lap and tickling him til he farts. Oh, the mighty oracle has gifted us with the knowledge again. But then they get back to HotDog, and Ellis spends the rest of this segment kind of pep talking HotDog because Ellis suddenly no longer believes that HotDog doesn’t care about getting laid because he’s a man and men want to get laid and if he doesn’t feel the drive the go out and get laid it’s because he’s spending too much time home alone or with his kookie plant loving roommate (who in my mind looks like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory) and he needs to get out there and be all that he can be because he’s awesome. Tully and Ellis tell him to just get out there, maybe join a bowling league, make a movie about his life, make some new friends in LA since he’s all lonely because his friends are back home in San Diego. And I’m like, yeah, go HotDog, just get out there and have fun and meet people and throw your dick around like King Kong!!!! That might not make sense, but I don’t have a dick, so work with me here!!! Tully does bring up that he understands how it could be easier to not have sex nowadays because of the availability of porn, and he says, “It’s just as good” which is when both me and Hubbs stared at the radio. Nononono, Tully…Watching Porn with dick in your hand is nowhere even in the same ball park as fucking. At All. No. Sex is…so much more wonderful with someone else there!!! I mean…just damn. Get out there HotDog!!! You’re adorable!!! Chicks want to bang you, you just don’t know it yet! Girls need to be chased a little, sometimes!!!

So, today to wrap up the show, they talk about Crazy Ex’s because, you know, everyone has one. Lol. Ellis tells a story that is in his first book, I’m Awesome, about how his first ex wife once showed up at his house while Andrea was there and Andrea had to escape through the garage and the first ex scared the ever loving shit out of her because Andrea knew that she used to beat up on Ellis and not treat him so nice. Will told a story about how his ex called the cops on him for driving her car that they had shared, because, obviously she was a cunt. They took a couple of calls from guys with some extraordinarily crazy exes who beat them with spatula’s and kitchenware, got them arrested and labeled as felons, fired flare guns into their bedrooms and burned their houses down, and…guys…come on…was the sex really that good?!?!?!?!? They all say that the sex was phenomenal and totally worth it…and I’m just like…bitches be out of control. Never let a crazy girl know where you live!!! Seriously…i mean…unless they’re the me kind of crazy. I am the perfect kind of crazy because I went through years of cognitive behavioral therapy and therefore know how to reign in my crazy, but I’m still fucking awesome in bed. Boom. There weren’t really any final calls because it was all of a sudden time to go, so Ellis threw the mic to HotDog and HotDog invited us all to listen in again tomorrow, same bat time, same bat channel.

Seriously…crazy girl sex is not worth having your house burned down.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/11/2014

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Dingo’s man crush Monday.

It’s Monday, which means it’s Dingo Monday after Voda Spay Monday, even though he didn’t Voda today, only Ellis. Dingo’s apartment downtown is kind of party central. One of Diddy’s son’s is looking to possibly use that same apartment building for some kind of release party. As cool as his apartment complex is, they don’t cater – but it’s all good because this is 2014 and there’s an app for that. Dingo loves Eminem and he got to see him live on Friday night, thanks to Rihanna’s manager. Eminem walks like a god right past Dingo, we’re talking like 10 feet from him. A joint manages to get passed around through some heavy hitters in the VIP area. Who gets caught with it, Dingo. He was told to throw it out immediately, but he did the pretend through and left it under his foot. A few minutes goes by and he tries to retrieve the doobage but can’t see very well. Suddenly a flashlight shines to help him see, he picks it up and goes to hand it to whoever helped out by providing the flashlight. BAM, it’s the same cop that busted him the first time and gets a verbal scolding and a stiff warning and that’s the end of the story. Ellis had an Uber driver pick him up & he said something about Armenians. Turns out the driver was Armenian, so Jason called his Armenian friend from Australia and they ended up bro’ing down by the end of it and hugged it out on the street. Ellis also saw Gabe Ruediger over the weekend and Gabe finally came clean about punching a fan (Nipplopolis’ husband) at the bar after EllisMania 9. Ellis also went to a sex dungeon this weekend, with Katie and her girlfriend. He got paddled and quickly realized he didn’t want to be that guy, he wants to be the guy holding the paddle. It’s cool, Dingo doesn’t find him any less attractive for him wanting to be the dungeon master. Did you know that sharks loose 300,000+ teeth in a lifetime? I don’t know if that’s completely accurate or not, it’s from Ellis.

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I want to booooooone you, esé!

Police are looking for Jonathan Koppenhaver (War Machine) for allegedly beating the shit out of his porn star girlfriend, Christy Mack. Kailin Curran is in the studio, she’s a female MMA fighter who likes to make other women bleed. I mean bleed more than they normally do. As part of her training for her upcoming fight, she kicked Cumtard in the flabs (aka abs) and doubled him over straight away with a 10% kick. One can only imagine the white donut powder that could have expelled from his pores after that kick. Then it was time for Jetta’s turn to get a kick to his stomach to help blow up her Instagram, but with a twist. She did a double leg kick, first to Cumtard again and then a special delivery to care package to Jetta. So Jon Jones and Daniel Cormier were on SportsCenter and hot mics caught them shit talking one another between breaks. Did you know Pitbull has a channel on SXM now? Dingo does, because he knows him pretty well. Pitbull played at Dingo’s birthday party before he really blew up, back when he was just Muttbull. Remember little Tyler Posey? He hosted some awards show or some shit and J-Lo was there. Kellen Lutz is also Dingo’s friend, he was there at the awards show and also went to the Eminem show with Ding. I’m bored, let’s move on.

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But seriously folks, can’t we all just get along?

Ellis will be on Dr. Drew’s HLN show today, I think. He’s supposed to talk about War Machine on the show, so he’ll do just that – god damn it! Or maybe he’ll wear a Sherlock Holmes hat and a monocle and provide alternate theories on what actually went down between War Machine, his porn star girlfriend, and another man. DUN-DUN-DUUUUUNNN!!! Tim Silvia is texting with updates to the story and then sent a photo of War Machine’s dick. During dick pic updates, Christy Mack posted graphic photos and her side of the story, on Twitter. Crazy shit man, crazy. Wilson chimed in that maybe Ellis’ angle on the story is that he himself was in an abusive relationship when his then girlfriend would beat the shit out of him for smoking weed and whatnot. Speaking of offensive, body odor man. You gotta keep that shit in check, you can’t just going around dropping your body odor bombs all over normal people. Same goes for you men and women wearing way too much or way too strong cologne or perfume. Get your shit together people, it’s not rocket science. If you walk past people and all them sneeze & start crying, you might be the smelly one. Dr. Drew wants a cock shot selfie of Ellis along with a sexy bio. For the website I mean, maybe Drew will print it & keep it his wallet too, but he wants it under the guise of needing it for the website, so… I guess TMZ will let us know he starts whackin’ it to the selfie. On a less domestic violencey note, Ellis will be leaving tomorrow evening to go to New York to fight for his right to have more control of Faction.

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Domestic violence, death, and a suicide? Damn Monday, you really kicked ass today.

Moto News time, Ryan Dungey is going to take the series. He’s not currently leading the standings, but he’s got the skills to shit on everyone and take the outdoor series. Did you know Nate Hotdog is a reformed cigarette smoker? Also, why is Wilson still disappearing downstairs to the designated smoking section? The guys watched a bunch of videos of portly mothers getting into verbal altercations with kids at skate ramps and such. Just hit YouTube and you’ll run across a ton of those, it’s every other video. Hey, Chael Sonnen competed in some BJJ Metamoris 4 event in LA over the weekend, despite being fired and warned by the athletic commission he could be fined $250,000 smack-a-roo’s. He tapped. Randy Couture and Frank Shamrock have a new reality show called “Gym Rescue” that will compete with the myriad of other “Rescue” shows all over the fucking TV. Sweet Jesus, when will these shows end? Oh, that’s right, never. Because America’s appetite for pure turd television is insatiable. Shark Week is on again. You’ll be amazed to know that you’ll see: sharks swimming, sharks eating, sharks outside of cages, sharks in cages, sharks jumping out of the water, sharks going to the shark dentist, sharks being tagged, sharks on sharks, sharks getting rescued, and sharks rescuing shitty animals from their mundane lives by eating them alive. A-fucking-mazing shark stuff, am I right? In non-shark related news, Tony Stewart accidentally ran over and killed a fool who got out of his vehicle on the track to run over and flap his arms at Tony for racing. While you’re on YouTube looking at women berating children on skateboards, you’ll no doubt run into Tony Stewart in his death cart running over a dude. Also, Robin Williams died of an apparent suicide. Happy fucking Monday!