2014

Posted on May 22, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Rejoice!!! Pick your deity of choice (or just be thankful for good old fashioned scientific advancement) because Jason Ellis made it through surgery and is a force to be reckoned with, because, his heart got burned and he’s ready to rock and roll. Sort of. You know, post-surgery means he has to take it easy for a bit, but after that bit, he is all kinds of back in the game!!! Boom. Seriously…so happy that Ellis got through the surgery and was feeling well enough today that he could be on the radio. I mean, think about it, he had heart surgery the day before yesterday, and he went to work today. He is not a normal human being. He is a beast. He is a warrior. He is….Jason Ellis.

The show opened up with Ellis talking about how today, since he had nothing going on he went to go get a pedicure and found a cake store! Haha…one doesn’t really go with the other, but it was good that he found the cake store because he made some happy maneuvers with the people that work there and from now on Cake and Art because, yeah, Ellis is still basically the producer of his own show. Also on his Thursday morning walkabout he decided to go to the shoe store to get some new shoes because after surgery he is a little sore in the groin region and thought some new shoes would do him some good. While at the shoe store, talking to the shoe store guy, the reason behind why Ellis was buying new shoes came up and the guy at the shoe store was pretty impressed that Ellis was already up and out doing shit considering he had heart surgery THE DAY BEFORE YESTERDAY. Sorry for the caps, but it really blows my mind. I had a biopsy on my pancreas last year and I was out of work for like, four days, and now I feel like a major pussy. But talking to the shoe store guy made Ellis realize that he really is lucky to be alive, and thankful that he is alive, and being alive is awesome, and that makes today the Ultimate Good Day for him, because he is here living life and appreciating that he is here to live life. Ellis knows that there will be days where he loses sight of the appreciation he has for life, because shit happens, but hopefully he will always come around to remember that he really really really could have died, and that will lead to another Ultimate Good Day full of life-y appreciation. At this point Tully suggested that maybe Ellis should have heart surgery more often to keep this mindset around, and I don’t think that’s the best idea ever, but he was probably joking. Probably. Ellis talked about the whole shebang, about how on Easter Sunday when he had gotten up off of the couch to go get a drink and got so light headed that he dropped to his knee and sent his kids to go get Katie. He apparently had thought that he was having an anxiety attack and got a blowjob from her to try and help calm him down, and that’s a great cure for anxiety, but not so much for A-fib. He talked about being in the corridor with Katie right before the surgery and talking to her, and how the surgery room was like this super advanced room with computers like NASA and probably like Howard Stern’s studio and he wore a hairnet, which was funny, and there was some dude there to shave his junk and so he made dick jokes, because what else are you gonna do at a time like that? Tully was surprised that Ellis had neglected to shave his own genitals, but Ellis explained that the thought didn’t even occur to him. He was thinking about his kids, thinking a whole lot of ‘this could be the last time I -fill in the blank-‘, and trying to focus on the fact that he was a warrior and he was going to make it out of the surgery with a gold star. Ellis described how they lowered a big plastic looking shield over him while he was on the bed and he realized that it was so that when blood started a-spurting out of him it wouldn’t get in the doctor’s eyes and it must have been scary to be on the wrong side of the sneeze guard. Yikes. But then the anesthesiologist gave him an IV that would help to relax him and just as he was getting nervous he fell into sleepy land and the next thing he knew he was awake. Ellis said he doesn’t really remember a lot about what happened after the surgery, but Katie did tell him that when he asked the nurse to unstick his balls from his legs, she went right ahead and did it, even though Katie had thought that he was joking about it. And that’s awesome. Ellis played the guys a video of the nurse removing his catheter, which Will SUPER did not want to see because it made him kinda squeamy, and Ellis’ first words after getting the catheter and balloon thing out were, “Well, that was special.” Tully said that the nurse should start a twitter account where all she does is tweet the things that patient’s say after getting a cath removed, and yeah, she should, because I would laugh at that all the day long. Ellis thought it was cool that after the cath came out he farted out of his dick and had frothy pee, and Tully seemed a little jealous, which lead to a couple minutes of them talking about farts and how it would be awesome if you could decide whether your fart would come out of your ass or your dick. For the record, they think that once they got used to that power it would be a 60/40 split in favor of the ass, but that’s still a fair amount of gas getting pushed out of their pee-holes. Ellis didn’t sleep well while he was in the hospital, but he slept for ten hours last night, which was awesome, and he was super happy to learn that he could have a cup of coffee every day and that in two weeks he can go back to the gym- with some restrictions. He is pumped that he can do a lot more than he thought he was going to be able to do a lot sooner, like sex, so long as Katie does all of the work for now.

On to other things, Ellis says that he basically has what he wants to happen in EM10 down in his head, which is super exciting news which I know we all have been waiting to hear for what feels like forever. It’s slated to happen in October, although he doesn’t know if it’s going to be at the Hard Rock in Vegas because he says they’ve backed off of him a bit, and he’s open to venues and wants EM10 to be the best ever. Tully says he’s been thinking some thoughts to discuss with Ellis off-air for Ellismania and he thinks that there are some simple ways to make it so that the behind the scenes disasters that occurred with EM9 don’t happen again ensuring that this year’s Ellismania will be truly effing amazing. Ellis wants to do a HateBean fight where two people fight for a minute and then, during the 30 second rest HatBean plays a song while the fighters are getting doused in Champagne and fake cocaine by Katie and Malice and are getting blue balled and fucked with and then fight for another minute for four rounds. Everyone is super excited over this idea, which is because, duh, it’s awesome, and Tully, Ellis, and Will talk about the fights to be in EM10 and the potential match-ups. Ellis declares that if Tyler Posey is truly serious about being a member of Death Death Die! then he basically has to fight in Ellismania. Ellis also wants to see Katie in a fight, maybe against Malice, and is trying to figure out how to get Sam Rubin punched in the face. It sounds like there are going to be Superheroes in the musical chair fight, and this year there will definitely be a piñata for the piñata fight- woo-hoo!!! Also, anyone who wants to be in the Biggest Loser Male or Female Fight, the deadline for videos showing you in your current state on the scale and all that gobbledeegook, send your videos or a link to your video on youtube to submittoellis@gmail.com, or you can’t be in it!!! Mike in Canada called the show because he really really wants to be in a fight, but Ellis thinks that at 230lbs that’s not a great idea because he could probably punch someone really hard and hurt them, and that’s not really what they want to see happen. Don’t worry Mike, that’s why Hubbs can’t fight at Ellismania ever, he would kill someone, so, you’re not alone.

Ellis got everyone presents from the new cake shop that he found and gave them to the guys on air. Will got a chocolate dick with balls, CumTard got a chocolate dick, Jetta got a White chocolate dick, and Tully received some chocolate titties. Ellis had the guys take pics with their dics to be put up on the twitter, and made CumTard deep throat his, which sounded like a lot of gagging for someone who was then declared an insult to blowjobs. Tully got to fulfill his lifelong wish of biting off a nipple, and that’s a wish that CumTard and Ellis found kind of weird, but Jetta seemed to get. Ouch. Ouch. I’m all for getting my nipples bitten and twisted and tortured…but I’d really be pissed and miss it a lot if one got bitten off. Relax, Tully, reign in your inner nipple gobbler.

Back from the first break Tully starts talking about how several other countries offer Women menstrual leave and some people are saying that the US should offer it too, but he never really gets through it because, Aubrey from Onnit is in the studio and he offers up the factoid that women in ancient Greece used to stuff horse dung up their twat when they were menstruating because damn it must have sucked to be alive before tampons were invented. Just saying. Ellis thinks that there should be menstrual leave for some women because some women go crazy and should just go home and come back when they are more useful. I kinda hate to break it to Ellis, but that’s not because they’re women on their period, that’s because they are just useless human beings. Coming from the perspective of me, a woman, I have really fucked up plumbing and my ‘time of the month’ involves pain worse than childbirth and I get through it. Boom. Harden The Fuck Up ladies, I’m just not buying it.

Aubrey is in the studio to talk about health and fitness and how to start your fitness journey, but first Ellis wants to talk about the whole Peruvian crazy sane making plants that made him see his Grandmother in heaven. Which is a really skewed view of the whole story, but that’s my nutshell. If you’ve been listening, or reading these wonderful recaps, you know that Ellis is interested in going down to Peru and participating in a ceremony that would help him conquer his fears and would potentially allow him to experience a higher plane where he could know that his brother is alright up in heaven (or whatever religion you subrscribe to’s happy after death place) and well, Aubrey is the person that brought Ellis around to this idea because he went to Peru. Apparently, ever since Aubrey was 18 and took schrooms in the desert and had a metaphysical type of experience, he has been on the path to…I forgot how he put it, and he really put it well, but I’ll say enlightenment. It’s not necessarily a religious enlightenment, but one that brings you closer to being more whole as a person and more okay in your own life with your own self, and yeah, it sounds like a bunch of hippy bullshit, but it’s really wonderful. So, he went down to Peru to this place run by Gandalf (aka Don Howard) where he participated in a ceremony which involved him taking Huachama (a DMT like drug derived from a Cactus) for three days with one day off between ingestions and going on treks through the jungle to conquer his fears. After that, he snorted Vilka from a 4000 year old bone off of a 4000 year old tray and tripped balls. But not really, he went back to his room blindfolded and felt himself burst through a jellyfish like matrix of light and color and come out finding himself in a peaceful and calm place with a hippopotamus man and a bunch of figures in hooded robes that didn’t want to talk to him. But his grandma was there, and he got to talk to her and see her and feel the love of her, and after that he came back into his body and…and he’s a better person for it. Aubrey said that your attitude going into it is really important and that you have to approach it with earnestness, and he really believes that Ellis would have a positive experience with it. He talks a lot about how he trusts it a lot because, along with doing more than adequate research, this is stuff that has been done for 4000 years, as opposed to drugs that come from pharmaceutical companies. Ellis is scared that he’ll have a panic attack, but Aubrey really thinks that he’ll be okay, because it’s an amazing experience and has helped so many people and has helped him personally. Ellis’ therapist doesn’t want him to do it, but he doesn’t really know anything about it, so that’s kind of like taking sex advice from a Sex Therapist who’s a virgin. The whole thing really taught Aubrey to continue moving toward his fears, which includes the fear of suffering (as he has had a couple relatives die slow, painful deaths) and fear of doing backflips on the trampoline. It was all really interesting. I’m not sure I’d ever do it, at least at this point in my life, but you never know what the future holds.

Now…onto the reason that Aubrey is in the studio and the reason he will be calling the show on Mondays for the foreseeable future- to dispense some wisdom on what I guess we could call ‘Your Personal Fitness Journey’ because, as we all know, Ellis wants what’s best for all of us, and that means we should all get healthy and follow Aubrey’s advice, because he’s a pretty smart dude. Aubrey says that Step One is figuring out where you want to be. He recommends sitting down and writing a mock journal entry with a date in the future written at the top and opening it with the line, “My life is as good as it could possibly be.” and then to continue the journal entry you should describe everything that you think that includes, sans material things. Think in terms of how you would want your body to feel, to look (realistically), your thoughts, things like that. For example, mine would probably begin something like, “My life is as good as it could possibly be. I woke up this morning with no aches and pains, and when I looked in the mirror I was simply in love with my body. I loved every curve, every bump, the smoothness of my skin, all of the positive and perceived negative. My body feels strong.” And it would go on. I’m actually planning on doing this exercise tomorrow, because I’m not one of those people who writes shit like that down, but it sounds really therapeutic. And I am working on being more fit and I’m also working on being more body positive- because I don’t feel as happy and comfortable with my body as I should. I know that objectively it is a beautiful body, but I’m working on really feeling that. So, yeah, kind of fits into my life right now. Step numero dos is to identify the resistance that is keeping you from getting you to that Journal Entry Ideal state and how to tackle them, and again, he’s talking more about internal resistance- the ‘it’s too late for me to start’ or ‘I’m not lucky’ mentality. There will always be external obstacles to overcome, but we shouldn’t let our own minds get in the way of us being happy. Boom. So, like I said, I’m going to be doing steps one and two tomorrow, and I encourage you guys to do the same, it’s like paid for but not paid for therapy.

Back from the break Sam Tripoli is in the studio!!! He has a new comedy album out on iTunes called ‘Believe in Yourself’ and it’s currently #2 after Jim Gaffagan, but before Louis CK, and Ellisfam, Big Daddy J has put out the call for us to make it number one, so go to iTunes and do what we do best. Sam, Ellis, and Tully talk a lot about comedy and traveling with comedy and how Sam is totally whipped by his girlfriend. Why is he whipped? Because he doesn’t want to talk about anything weird or sex-related all that much because after the last time he was on the show talking about being peed on by a Miley Cyrus stunt double (which he talked about again today) and getting robbed by the same hooker twice, his girlfriend yelled at him. Haha. Sam does tell Ellis that he is #1 on the comedy list in Canada (yay Canada) and they shake hands because Ellis knows how awesome it is that Canada gets it and they are both now part of the #1 in Canada team. Somehow they get onto the topic of roleplay and Ellis tells a short story about how before he had surgery he dressed up as Spiderman and picked up two pretend Hookers that he played hide and seek and then let’s fuck with. Tully apparently has never role-played before and said he’s too self-conscious to try with his wife (which I don’t really understand…isn’t she the one that you shouldn’t feel self-conscious around?) and Sam Tripoli drops the ‘I like for girls to call me the N-Bomb during sex’ bomb because…he’s gonna get in trouble with his girlfriend again. Hubbs and I have only role-played a couple of times, but it’s always fun, I do really good impressions of a couple of people and we laugh and fuck and…yeah…he’s the one person I could never feel self-conscious with. I want to have sex now. Ugh.

Sigh.

Back from the final break it’s time for a quick round of Helium Shock Collar Movie Review with CumFat…I mean, CumTard. Kevin is in the studio to suck in Helium and review the movie Godzilla with the added twist that Ellis, Tully, and Sam have a list of words that if Kevin says one, he gets shocked. Oh…and if he screams from being shocked…he get’s shocked again. I don’t remember all of the words, but they included Godzilla, monster, lizard, explosion, bomb, fire, San Francisco, US, Japan, radiation, Cranston, Breaking Bad, and Yes, and it was fucking Hilarious with a capital H on purpose. I thought Joe was gonna pee himself. He does this thing where when he laughs really hard he kicks or stomps his feet (so fucking adorable) and I heard a lot of foot stomping wiggliness from his side of the truck. When he’s getting shocked with the helium voice he sounds like an angry cartoon character, and it’s amazing. It made me really believe that he could do a voice for a cartoon character. Amazing. Sam really enjoyed watching and asking questions and said that CumTard was a champ. It’s such a good bit. Ellis said that CumTard is the best at being shocked, which is so true, but he also said that girls would be funny getting shocked but girls don’t want to get shocked. What the fuck girls is he trying to shock that don’t want to be shocked? Sign me up! Sounds like a blast!!! *raises hand, looks around hopefully*. No? No shocks for Jenni? Sad Jenni. Boohoo. It was right around here that Ellis got a text that made him say, “Oh shit, I gotta go,” but it wasn’t anything too dire, just something he needed to get handled and he was the one to handle it. And then the show ended. Lolz.

Things we learned on TJES today:

It’s so cool that Doctors can fix the shit that breaks inside of you

Nuts are like pizza dough

Ellis will be off all pills in 2 to 3 months. Boom.

Ellis shaved his beard off because Katie decided she doesn’t like it

Nick Swardson is down to fight at EM10

Ellis thinks Tully would be Christian in a fight

Wilson wants THC to fight at EM10

Barley is a superfood that makes you super poo

Ellis is so thankful for all the well wishes he received from listeners

Ellis wants his kids to have a big, fat happy life

The self portraits are doing good on Ebay…auction over tomorrow!!

It’s not about Soulmates, it’s about partners in crime

Louisiana chicks are the greatest chicks ever

White chicks are insane

Koreans say the N’Bomb instead of ‘uhhhhh’

Miley Cyrus has donkey teeth and that’s kind of what makes her so hot

Sam Tripoli has seen Britney Spears’ hooha

Don’t Die.

So glad Big Daddy J is back!!!!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/19/2014

Posted on May 19, 2014 by bitPimps 中

What’s that? I rolled it again? Oh, you didn’t want me to roll it? What?

Yardsale is back! For today anyway, tomorrow he gets his heart welded on and he’ll need at least 1 day to recover. It’s fucking heart surgery man, so don’t be upset if dude takes a few days off. If it were me, I wouldn’t even be in today, I’d be too much of a wreck to stop puking and shitting. Anyway, you know how he went to race this weekend? Yeah, he rolled his ride again, at least he went most of the race and rolled half way through the last lap. He was 10th out of 18 at that point. But hey, he qualified 17th and at one point was 8th, so that’s doing pretty good for not really being a racer. Besides, Ken Block crashed this weekend too, so there’s that. The main point here is that he had fun. Apparently TJ Lavin did pretty well and Ronnie Faisst sucked. Ellis is trying to stay excited about getting his heart surgery, Tully is excited, and all of Dingo’s innards are revolted at the idea. Dingo was a Jason Ellis Show correspondent at the Street League event this weekend, but we’ll get to that later. Ellis forgot to go on cam this morning like he planned to do each week, but seriously, what’s up with parking tickets in LA, am I right? Speaking of LA, there’s some traveling show about Pompeii or some shit. Why is that a touring festival? That seems weird. It’s like Burning Man, but with lava, pyroclastic flows, and death and shit. I hiked into Haleakalā crater once. Worst experience ever. I thought I was gonna die. Who knew a smoker, hiking out of a crater that doesn’t want to let you leave, in thin-ass air, above the clouds, not wearing sunblock, wouldn’t do so hot in that situation? Looked awesome hiking down, but hiking up was pure hell. Anyway, I’ve gotten side tracked. So dudes, is there a chick you would lock down by getting pregnant? We’re talking you put holes in your condom, but don’t tell the chick so she “mysteriously” gets pregnant and has to stay with you. I guess you have to be clear on your motives. I chose Oprah just so I could make her best friend, Gayle, jealous and be there to watch their relationship deteriorate. Anyway, since Ellis has been thinking about life lately with his upcoming heart surgery, everyone on the show came up with a bucket list over the weekend. But before we get to that, let’s take a moment to realize that Dingo has his own personalized stationary. Fucking. Amazing. Now, on to the bucket lists… after this!

Tired of sitting at work, needing to masturbate, but not having any personal lubricant? Now there’s KY Ink! Sold at stores near you!

And we’re back! Wanna know which 7 jobs have the highest suicide rates? Well just for you, I have the answers! I mean, someone else has the answers, but I can at least link you to them, so that kinda counts, right? What’s up with #7 on the list? The rest made sense to me, but #7 left me confused. So what’s the remedy for all these people in high suicide rate jobs? Get naked and hug a tree. Just go with it, man. Ellis ain’t got time for shit, except putting air in his tires. Turns out, he doesn’t have time for that either because people be blocking the air pump. Then the gas station attendant wouldn’t turn the air compressor on. DAMN THE MAN! Or at least damn the man working at Art’s 76 on Hollywood Blvd. Allegedly. Anyway, on to the bucket lists.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dave! We said get naked & hug a tree. Not just whip it out and start fucking it!

Ellis’ bucket list:

Be number one in radio, satellite or terrestrial.
Race cars.
Have a ten-some.
Own a Lamborghini.
Have a kick boxing fight.
Do a wheelie on a horse.
Not to pay his ex-wife or ever get a divorce again.

Cumtard’s bucket list:

Have his likeness appear in a comic book.
Go to Japan to fulfill his round-eye perviness.
He’d like to fuck a girls butt.
Sell a script he wrote and have it produced.
Do a voice in a cartoon or video game.
Save a life.
Get powers. Like super powers. Which isn’t allowed on the list.

Wilson’s bucket list:

Doing a voice for an animated series. He’s been dreaming of it since he was 9-years-old & even wrote to Mel Blanc.
Have dinner with Jeff Lynne of Electric Light Orchestra.
Own a home.
See a reunited Pink Floyd in concert.
~~Listed on The Jason Ellis Show Wikipedia page.~~
Go on a ride-along with the LAPD.
Wants to see The Jason Ellis Show become the biggest show in the world.

Dingo’s bucket list:

Have a family. Soon.
Go heli-boarding in Alaska with his brother & dad.
Create an award-winning TV show.
Climb Mount Everest
Sail around the world.
I missed it. He went too fast, like he was ashamed.
I missed this one too.

Jetta’s bucket list:

Visit space.
Sit courtside at the NBA finals
Visit the deep sea
Die on film, like fake die on TV or a movie
Write a book
Go see the Amazon rainforest
To be in a massive, no rules, food fight

Tully’s bucket list:

Make at least two more solo music albums
Make a third album with someone he really respects
Make some sort of meaningful contribution to the comedy of someone he likes
Open a sandwich shop that he can afford to run into the ground
Get a fancy, fully stocked, kitchen like they have on TV
Be able to fly to several NBA playoff games first class style, hotel, food, etc.
Have convincing cybersex

Next up, what kind of unusual shit have you fucked? After this!

Carol & Jeff paid good money for these trafficked kids, only to find out the kids are broken. Don’t let this be you. Buy your slightly used kids from Nike!

And we’re back! Ellis will be live on his website at 7PM. Every Monday at 7PM and every Wednesday morning at 8AM. All times are Pacific. So eat a piece of dog shit, you sum bitches! Ellis’ beard is getting really big, it’s grown up right before his eyes. Dingo doesn’t like it, he refuses to kiss a grape from Ellis’ face with that monstrosity. Get this shit. The Spanish town of Fort Kill Jews is set to vote on a name change, the proposed new name? Fort Hill of Jews. Not much of an improvement. Police say a man in Murfreesboro, TN tried to have sex with an ATM and later a picnic table. Wood on wood, that’s a recipe for fire. Tiger & Devin aren’t getting along lately and need some separation time. Ellis woke up with a pee boner. Someone’s watching porn and it’s not an adult. And that is a good segue into the unusual things callers have fucked. In no particular order:

You ready? We’re gonna fuck this Big Mac! No? What about this pickle? Why not? You can’t be so picky!

Prosthetic titties in a dressing room. He came on the titties. Think about that the next time you’re trying on jeans.
A pickle. Yes, the food item. He says it was like a little green pocket pussy. Nothing like a Kosher Dill to get you in the mood!
A Big Mac. A fucking McDonald’s Big Mac. He only did it once though, so it’s cool, right?
A friend’s mom’s underwear. It’s no Big Mac, but it has potential to be pretty gamy. I’m not terrified by this one.
A medical doll. Like the kind you practice medical shit on, putting catheters in, etc. And he finished in it. This guy was a security guard. In other words, a serial rapist / killer in training.

Dingo is totally cool with being nude or having sex in front of people he knows really well. Was this a hint at his willingness to participate in a potential ten-some, or maybe just sit in the dark corner, watching it all go down, and jerking off to it. Bellator 120 fights were this weekend. Does anyone give a shit? How is Bellator even still around? I don’t know, go Google that shit. Speaking of shit, next up is our man on the beat with his ear to the street reporting not live from Street League, Dingo! But first…

Are you raising little shits that think it’s funny to practice CPR on a tube of toothpaste? Great news! Now you can hire Wanda, the meanest bitch this side of hell. She’ll teach them through the ancient art of ridicule and physical punishment. They’ll get to watch nothing but Judge Judy and CSPAN. They’ll eat what they’re given or they’ll starve. By the time your little monkeys are back, they’ll be addressing you as “Lord” or “Lady” and helping to clean the house, even messes they didn’t create! Act now!

And we’re back! Remember when Christian came with the lyrical only version of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Ellis put out the call for people to pump that shit in traffic with their windows rolled down and Instagram it? Well it’s going to happen again. But this time, try to really get people to notice and react – but do it nicely. It’s meant to brighten up someone’s day, not a chance for you to be a rude dick. You could win a Wolfknives package and/or a Red Dragons package. And now, over to the extreme sports desk with Dingo. Wait, scratch that – technical difficulties. Wait. No. Scratch that too. Technical difficulties have been fixed. Shit. Wait. No. The audio is not up to Ellis’ standards, it’s not Dingo’s fault, this isn’t his job and he’s not used to this recording stuff. Poor Dingo. He tried and got a lot of people there to give him a minute or two to talk to him for the show. But it just wasn’t cutting the mustard so it was breezed by quickly and cut short. Sorry Dings. Time to talk to callers. Or maybe not. Not unless there’s a guy who had sexual relations with a dead chick. Also, Catheter Ablation, look for the new hit single this summer! I’m just gonna end it here because my daughter has some important shit to tell me about Butterfinger cups. Everyone here at NYA is wishing Ellis the best of luck with his surgery tomorrow and for a speedy, but more importantly, successful and healthy recovery! We’ll have our #1 guy back as soon as possible I’m sure. All hail the king of the west!

Meet Dennis. He’s a dumb motherfucker that doesn’t know how to hotdog. He also probably works for the government. Don’t be a Dennis. Call NYA Tech University today to earn your hotdog degree today!

Show Recap for Thursday 5/15/2014

Posted on May 15, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Originally I had thought of a great way to open this recap…but that was around 7 hours ago when the show was starting and I was all excited and pumped and now…now it’s 7 hours later and I’ve lost my mojo a bit and am drawing a big, fat, blank after work, going to the super market, making dinner, playing with my kid, and trying to fix my laptop even though I just did all of the updates last week after fixing it and…sigh…it’s hard being a grown up. I never wanted to be one and it happened anyway. Beeteedubs…if anyone wants to donate to the cause of me being able to buy a laptop that actually works…you know where to find me. I’m mostly joking about that. Keep your money. I need to find a way to keep myself from getting so defeated over these stupid little things like laptop problems. Maybe I should get motivating words tattooed on my thumbs like Ellis is planning on doing. And that, ladies and gents, is what I like to call a segue. Boom. So anyway, yeah, Ellis opened up the show talking about how he wants to get the words ‘Faster’ and ‘Stronger’ tattooed on his thumbs because it will help him remember the things that he is trying to accomplish in life and will motivate him to make good decisions in all aspects of his day to day and professional life because it’ll be right in front of his face at all times, son. It’s like when you write stuff down on paper and keep that paper in your pocket to help you remember things, but then he doesn’t ever have to worry about losing the paper because it’ll be on his skin and if he loses his hands, well…he’ll have a whole lot more shit to worry about other than eating too much cheesecake. Did I mention that this whole ‘let’s get something inspirational tattooed on my thumbs’ was motivated by his inability to say no to the cheesecake that Katie brings home at night when she gets home from work? Ellis, as always, wants to be fit and take care of himself and live a long time and be useful, and since he’s getting heart surgery on Tuesday he isn’t going to be able to work out for three months and he’s really going to have to be on top of his diet and can’t sit around being a fat kid and stuffing his mouth with all of the junk food that he wants. So, he’s planning on stopping by Grant Cobb’s house after he goes to Devin’s school open house to get Faster and Stronger writer down his thumbs because he can’t get faster and stronger if he’s constantly reaching for the cheesecake. They talk about this for a while, and jump back and forth between subjects, but for the sake of cohesiveness (and because my brain feels like it is half falling out at this point), I’m gonna recap it all together. Tully brings up that instead of getting reminder notes tattooed on his hands he could always lock the fridge so he doesn’t stumble to it when he’s half asleep and more apt to stuff his face with junk food, and Ellis isn’t super on board with that because, well, how do you lock a fridge? The other problem is sort of that Katie never thinks that Ellis is fat, because technically he isn’t fat, he’s just heavier than he wants to be, and she keeps buying all these yummy goodies for him to eat. Ellis also wants to get in the habit of practicing what he preaches, since he is always telling all of us listeners that we need to take care of ourselves and eat clean and make sure we stick around for a long time, and he doesn’t always follow his own advice. So, while he’s not working out for three months he’s going to really concentrate on eating well and share what he’s doing with all of us and hopefully he’ll make our lives better. I know that, personally, listening to the show always motivates me to make better lifestyle choices and I’m a much healthier person (mind and body) since I started listening to the show 3 years ago. Annnnnnnnd I can’t believe that it’s been three years…it still kind of feels like I just started listening yesterday. That’s how fresh this show always is! Boom.

There was some talk about how Ellis and the kiddies broke the RC cars he got from Ken Block again, that Tully never realized had been broken a first time, but Ellis is kind of pumped on the whole thing because he’s been fixing them himself and he feels like he’s learning stuff about how to work on cars, because, hey, they’re little cars and he’s making them run and swapping out parts, and he and Tiggie do it together, which is super cool and fun. Two of the cars are gas powered and there is one that is battery powered and Ellis seems to be taking parts from the gas ones and swapping them with parts from the battery powered one, and again, he was doing it with Tiger and they had some good father-son time together. So good, in fact, that when Ellis was done making the fixes and changing the tires with tiny allen keys, he was perfectly okay with the fact that the batteries for the one RC car were plugged in at the studio. Which is a bummer and a lot of five year olds would have had a meltdown over it. Hell yeah Baby Ellis!!

On to other things Ellis had a sit down with the guys at Benchmark, which for those of you who somehow don’t know, are the guys who put out the Wolfknives stuff when you sign up to join the wonderful gang, because Ellis wants to expand the line and make some ‘premium’ Wolfknives gear. Apparently the Wolfknives apparel and accessories are doing really well and even hold allure to people who have no idea about The Jason Ellis Show and it’s ties to the leader of the best wolf pack of all time, and even retailers are interested in the Wolfknives line. That’s all very big and exciting news. Tully talks about how he’s always had the idea where he would design his own logo that he could have sewn on to his clothes because he’s a rather plain-clothed man and that way he could always be walking around wearing ‘his’ line of clothes. He’s brought it up to the wifey, since she is all kinds of in the know when it comes to fashion, and she shot that idea down quick letting Tully know that that would cost a lot of money and he’d have a shit ton of logos and he would have to really, really be dedicated to wearing only ‘his’ line for the rest of his life. So, that’s probably not going to happen. Ellis is pretty stoked about the whole Wolfknives thing, and the expansion of the line, because they’re the clothes that he likes to wear and he would have designed them anyway because even if it flopped, he would always wear it, and it’s pretty awesome that there are a bunch of us crazy people who want to wear it all too. Speaking of the Wolfknives, Will comes in and has a list of people who are ready to get their names and Tully has a surprise!!! A fan of the show named Russell, created a Wolfknives Name Generator and sent the program or link or whatever to Tully for them to play around with. And, yeah, just in case you were wondering, No You Are did that, like, ages ago, bro, so, you know, way to be late to the party. Now that the snark is out of the way, the generator actually worked pretty well and was able to name a bunch of people some pretty wonderfully horrible things. So, welcome to the pack Queef Rippington, BoJangles Witherspoon, Fart HorseLog, Statutory Fingering, Dick Clit, Testicle Shadows, Emperor Raccoon, The Spanish Cumrag, Bear Driver, Chunky Gape, Lube Cheetos, Stan-In Bastard, Pissburger LadyBoy, Captain Racist, Predator Magnum, Diablo Tuna, Homo RageButt, and Clit Cheetos. The Name Generator worked pretty well, and there were only a couple of times they hit the refresh button more than once, so, hi five Russell, way to steal our site’s idea. And yeah, I’m joking about that, because I’m pretty sure it’s possible for two people to come up with the idea of a name generator without one party ripping it off another. Just know, that it was done first here ;)

Back from the first break, Ellis informs us that there is to be a new protocol for the ‘Don’t Die’ callers, because The Jason Ellis Show will just not give up on making the idea work, because it will, damn you, it will. So, the new deal is that when it comes time for final calls and don’t dies, Ellis and/or his King- Michael Tully, will inform listeners what the, I guess ‘theme’ is an appropriate word, is for the day. It’s going to go along the lines of a segment that the show did yesterday, where callers called in with the dumbest things that they’ve ever done, but it’s going to change every show. It can be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done, the smartest thing you’ve ever done, etc. But, this way, people won’t keep dying when they’re supposed to, you know, not die. Will it work? Hopefully! Did it work today? You’ll have to get to the end of this recap to find out!!! Bwah-hah-ha.

Did you know that dog is not always man’s best friend? Maybe. Probably. I mean…some dogs are assholes, I guess, but no one ever really expects it to be cats. I mean, cats are basically notorious assholes, no matter how many cute videos there are of cats doing weird things. They’re more independent and tend to treat us like their pets instead of acting like they’re our pets. I have a cat. By association. She lives at my house at least, and I have to feed her, and sometimes she likes me and does that sweet, sleepy slow blink of cat love, and other times she glares at me like she wants to eat my unborn babies because I brought a puppy home and she fucking hates him. But anyway, there’s a cat in the news who did something so amazing for her little human boy that he or she is going to be featured in the hoity toity Cat Fancy publication. So what did the cat do? It saved a four year old little boy from being eaten by a neighbor’s dog. That’s pretty fucking hardcore. And no, I can’t post the link because my computer is a piece of shit, and I really apologize for that because while I suck at the whole inserting pictures into the recap thing, I have the link thing down and try not to make you do too much work on your own. If you’re interested…Google is totally a thing. I apologize. Think lovingly of my breasts is that appeases you. They’re fabulous. Also, in the news, Tully informs us that some (allegedly) batshit crazy 31 year old lady calling herself Charity convinced some innocent nice people that she was an abused, 15 year old runaway (a plot ripped straight from Law and Order SVU…no joke…it’s a fantastic episode) who then took her in and put her in the local private High School, where she fooled everybody. It’s not completely clear how the truth about the situation came out, but she had everybody fooled. Even the kids she went to school with couldn’t really believe it when the news broke. Pretty effing insane. I look pretty young, especially according to ladies in the supermarket, but even they peg me at 17 or 18, there’s no way I could pass for a 15 year old. I mean, on top of the fact that I have zero fashion knowledge and suck at using makeup…I have too many tattoos to ever be confused for a 15 year old. You know who also probably can’t pass for a 15 year old? Michael Sam. Yeah, really bad transition, but…it’s almost midnight and I was up at 4:30 and I am using that as my excuse right now. Michael Sam hasn’t done anything crazy, but Tully read a story about him that he found worth mentioning as some food for thought. There is a chance that Michael Sam won’t make the team that drafted him, as the Rams apparently are pretty well set in the position that Sam plays, and he’s just wondering if that is going to cause some trouble down the road for The Rams. He doesn’t think that the team would base their decision on Sam making the team on anything other than his football playing, but he kind of leaves it unsaid that there is the possibility that the media could cause a shit storm of badness speculating that maybe, just maybe, if he doesn’t make the team, it has something to do with his sexual orientation. And I wouldn’t put it pass the media, because they’ll do anything for ratings. But, there’s also no saying that if The Rams don’t put him on the team roster that he won’t wind up playing for another NHL Team.

And all that news talk effectively killed enough time for TJ Lavin to get to the studio along with his buddy Corey of Undaunted Clothing, and they are the guys who are kind of responsible for there being no TJES tomorrow. Yup, sorry to break the news, but Ellis is doing that UTV race this weekend and Friday is one of the days that he has to be there. But, you know, he has to go, because this could be the last race he has before he dies. And, really, if you look at the options, there’s a better chance that this really could be the last race that he ever gets to race, and that’s why you should never blindly trust statistics, because in all likelihood Ellis will be able to race again. Did you follow that? Should I break it down? Let me break it down. There are three options: 1) Ellis will be fine following the surgery and be able to go balls to the wall after his three month heart heal time 2) Ellis could die 3) The surgery could not work and Ellis wouldn’t be able to race because it could throw him into A-fib. Now…statistically, the odds are stacked against him when you take those three into account because 2 of the 3 available options means he could never race again, leaving only one good outcome- 33%. But that’s not really true, as there are other factors within those three categories which put the odds more heavily in his favor for being perfectly fine following the heart surgery, like the fact that there is only a 3% chance he could die, and the success rate for patients whose hearts never have a problem again after the surgery. But, really, don’t bitch about there being no show tomorrow. Yes, it’s sad and shitty, but, Big Daddy J needs to follow his bliss and that’s what we love about him. He’s there for us more often than he’s not by a wide margin. Give him a break.

Anyway, TJ Lavin, right? That dude is pretty awesome and I’m pretty sure he was actually a guest on the show in my beginning stages of writing for this wonderful website and that makes me feel good about him in a nostalgic kind of way. Also, I know who he is because I used to watch the Road Rules/Real World challenge back when it was still called that. He did the Inferno one, which is the only name I remember of them. That show is still around, just called The Challenge, and has been green lit for it’s 16th season. Holy freaking shit. I’m only a decade older than that freaking show. It couldn’t even be my baby. TJ and Corey talk a lot with Ellis about the upcoming race and throughout the interview/appearance/whateveryouwannacallit it really kind of comes out the TJ, although he is going to be in a higher classed race, really has zero experience over Ellis, and that is going to be entertaining as fuck. They laugh a lot, share a lot of memories, make a lot of jokes at each other’s expense, and have a good time. Oh god, I almost said that they talked about Mike Tyson, and that’s what happens when you listen to two shows in one day and don’t write your recap for 7 hours. ugh. That was yesterday. Mike Tyson was yesterday. Today was the race in Lake Elsanor talk. Towards the end of the segment the guys take a Skype call from a guy who super loves TJ Lavin is it. Was. Amazeballs. Why? Because it was some guy in a gimp mask and ball gag wearing assless chaps that made out with posters of Lavin. At one point there was a collective, loud, yelling ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ from all the guys in the studio and that’s when Tully informed us that the caller was wearing assless chaps. It was amazing. TJ Lavin thought the dude was awesome, probably because he was rubbing his nipples while talking to him, and it was a good time. There were some other calls to talk to TJ, and they pale in comparison to how awesome that was. I’m not telling you about them. They are nothing. Even though SPOILER ALERT (ha) it was Cumtard. How do I know that? Christian posted a text conversation he was having with Kevin at the time and Kevin said for Christian to text Jetta because he was currently in a closet or something wearing a Gimp Mask. Still. Fucking Epic. Check out the text on Instagram @Kingtrut if you don’t believe me. I salute you, Cumtard, I love you so hard right now.

Back from the break we are informed by Tully that it is National Peace Officer Memorial Day, and there is some back and forth on wtf a peace officer is. A caller calls in and informs everyone that yes, Police Officers and Sherriff’s are peace officers, but also, you can be one too! All you need is to take a class and they give you a badge and you can get a gun and then you are subjected to the same power and regulation as a law enforcement person. Ellis thinks that he and Tully should take the class and become Peace Officers so they can arrest each other all day long and so Ellis can arrest Katie’s Box any time that he wants. Tully takes the opportunity to inform us all that Kentucky police are still looking for information on the murder of Police Officer Jason Ellis and tells us that if anyone has any information on who is responsible for this horrible crime can email the Kentucky Police at EllisCaseEtips@KY.gov. On the offhand chance that any of you fucks reading this know anything about it, do the right thing.

Christian is in the studio for his signature segment of Stripped Vocals. But not. I mean, he was really there, but he didn’t just strip songs down to the vocals this time around, he stripped down to different parts- guitar, drums, orchestral, etc, to show us just how much there is that goes into making these songs. It was pretty awesome and he played us pieces of greats from Stevie Wonder (the best blind drummer of all time), the Beatles, that song Heard it Through the Grapevine, and Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. Ellis really likes when Christian does these segments because he feels like it’s helping everyone appreciate music on a deeper level, and it exposes a lot of people to music that they wouldn’t normally listen to or wouldn’t normally appreciate. Christian also played some stripped vocals by request and played Firework and Bohemian Rhapsody and it was awesome. Actually…the most awesome part was when Ellis dared the listeners to crank up the volume on their radios for the stripped Katy Perry vocals and take a video of themselves doing it to send to him because…well…if you’re a listener you know why. It’s kind of awesome to juxtapose the image of the typical Jason Ellis Show listener with the musical stylings of Katy Perry. But you’re a real man, or woman, if you crank that shit. There were a bunch of people who sent in videos of themselves in traffic and gas stations and things like that blasting Katy Perry for the world to see/hear and everyone got a good laugh from it. Hubbs asked me why I didn’t do it, and I responded that 1) we were parked in front of a customer’s house in a quiet neighborhood and the system in the work truck would have probably kept the customer from ever calling us again and 2) seeing me blasting Katy Perry is nothing new, I do it on the reg. If he had been in the truck at the time, other than getting the customer to sign the paperwork, I would have felt more compelled to do it, because he’s a big, beefy tattooed guy and it’s funnier. Despite the fact that on one of our first dates he came rolling up blasting Katy Perry, and when we go out and there’s a DJ he always requests that they play the song and dedicate it to me. Fucking mushy wonderful man I have. He listens to “Girlfriend” by Avril too. Seriously. I went to skip it when it came on my ipod once and he said, “What are you doing? I love that song!” and changed it back. If any of you tell him I said this, eat shit and die. But it’s one of the things I love about him. He listens to a wide variety of music, mostly because he has killer systems in his vehicles and everything sounds amazing, but also because he’s a sexy man beast who is totally secure.

At the end of the show there was some Hollywood News which involved the announcement of Li’l Kim being pregnant and putting up her registry info on the internet thereby inviting everyone with access to the internet to send her gifts, the guy who leaked the Solange/Jay-Z video got fired from his job but made 250k for releasing the video…although the police have been informed of his identity and that may be soon going to legal fees, and Justin Bieber is still a little shit. Does that surprise anyone? Not really. He’s a little shit who runs around with a pack of little shits. Together they are one big, blown out, shit up the back baby diaper.

Time for the don’t die! What’s the theme for today? Don’t die and tell me the gayest thing that you have ever done! Unless you’re gay, no wait, especially if you’re gay!!!! The first guy who called got shot off because he was taking too long, but the second caller, Amy, did not die and she regaled us with her succinct tale of how she and her guy friend had sex with a girl who was on her period, and didn’t tell them, and Amy had gone down on her. Red Dragons, bitch!!!!

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

Tully wants to sell silver leather pants to the masses. But not really.

There may be a Wolfknives Canadian Hockey Jersey in the works

Gotta dodge the Age Bullets

Parents are too overprotective of their kids these days

Will started taking Ambien to sleep and hasn’t murdered anyone yet, but his pillow was in the freezer this morning

Newscasters have to pretend that they’re objective, but the News would be way better if they were genuine and just lost their shit like everyone else

It’s scary doing motorsports

TJ Lavin will be driving a Pro Lite in a race and he’s only ever done 10 laps in one

Joe Rogan is too busy to be on TJES, but they still all love each other, and that’s cool

The Beatles are very good

Back in the day music was made for adults to enjoy and now the target audience is children

Ellis needs a nap

Once again there will not be a live show tomorrow, Friday, so enjoy the replay and don’t give Ellis shit about it, he has his heart to worry about and this could be his last race ever.

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/14/2014

Posted on May 14, 2014 by bitPimps 中

No. Yeah! That’s totally art. You did a… umm… good!

Hello my pretties! It’s big daddy bitPimps filling in for that one dude that plays with Triscuits all day long, CrackerStacker6. Time to get it up ya! Everyone got their art on last night (or maybe this morning if you’re name is Jetta), Ellis painted some shit with his dumb fingers, Tully glued some shit with his dumb fingers, Will smoked with his dumb fingers, Jetta stroked his ding-a-ling with his dumb fingers, & Cumtard fingered his dumb butt with his dumb fingers. This is all allegedly of course. Not everybody can produce art, just because you wiped a booger on a wall, doesn’t make you an artist, it makes you a disgusting child. Anyway, everyone did a self-portrait. Tully’s was a collage that featured his cannon dick. Cumtard did a sketch, but of course he’s color blind and used a red pen for part of it. Will drew triangles to represent hair on his chin, even though he has no hair on his chin or shin. Jetta made a little flip book style so the viewer of his masterpiece can change his shoes and such. Ellis painted a Jewish wolfman wearing a yarmulke with a head tattoo. I assume they will be showing these renditions to Justin Bua, an artist that will be on today’s show. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s HLN show last night, and now they want him to do Dr. Drew’s podcast too to fill in for Adam Carolla. All this after he just filled in for Psycho Mike on Loveline. Dude’s been gettin’ busy with Dr. Drew – if you catch my drift. Alec Baldwin was arrested for riding his bike the wrong way, fucking rebel. There was talk about maybe doing a show at night and recording it and playing some time in the morning. This was all talk that including an actual “Ellis Channel” (The Baby?) where Tully could do a night show, Jude could do a show, etc. Sounds like contract negotiations are looking pretty good. You can take a picture with your Wolfknives membership and then tweet the show a song you want in rotation for a day! Everyone discussed possible names for the new channel, it was a real hoot.

Georges St. Pierre AND a Kickboxer remake you say?

The show is looking for a man or woman (let’s face it, it’s gonna be a man) that can build a ramp for Ken Block RC cars to jump 6′ at a low height. Or in other words, 2 bricks and a piece of plywood. Hey, you can see Ellis when he races this weekend on livetrackfeed.com. MMA News, Georges St. Pierre is said to be in a remake of the movie Kickboxer, but he’s not playing JCVD and also nobody cares. Brock Lesnar called Dana White to ask if he would call Pat Barry and tell him to retire. He may also have asked Dana if he could call Bisping to find out where to get a good steak, allegedly. Justin Bua came in bearing a gift, a painting – of something, I’m not sure what it was. Anyway, he’s doing some kind of show for the UFC, he’s been a longtime fan and used to call up Art Davie and pretend to be a reporter just so he could pick his brain. He says that MMA fighting is a lot like art for him, saying, “You and your canvas, one on one.” ~ Kid Rock. He gave a painting to Anderson Silva and it made him cry like a little bitch. So besides being an artist and bringing in a painting, he brought in a bottle of water called “raw water” and swears it tastes better than you know, plain old water water. It’s not his water, it’s just a water he really likes. Did I mention he also makes superfood drink mix stuff called Immortal Machine with some infomercial dude named David Wolfe? Well I just did. Did I mention he’s vegan? Did I also mention he raises his daughter as vegan? Well I just did that too. Go me! He also said Cumtard has a woman-like mouth in real life, as opposed to his self portrait.

Is anyone still reading this? I don’t blame you.

Next up, “What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life?” segment. Callers inundated us with their stories of some of the stupidest things they’ve done. Several were good enough to win themselves some Red Dragons gear. If you get a chance, give it a listen – because I’m not recapping all that, especially about the guy that shot his girlfriend / wife. Total accident. I will tell you about one of them though. Tully was with Cullen, celebrating his birthday. Both got really drunk, Tully went to bed and Cullen ended up having to puke. The next morning, Cullen told Tully about him throwing up, said he went to the bathroom puked, but it was cool because he cleaned it all up. Turns out Cullen passed out on the bathroom floor, Tully’s mom woke up at 5 AM to get ready for work & found Cullen passed out on the floor. Tully’s dad had to carry him to the couch and Tully’s mom cleaned up Cullen’s puke. Tada! In fire news, it sounds like the Four Seasons is on fire in San Diego. I take it you can find some… hot room deals! Or maybe it’s just that someone got… fired! At least it didn’t… spark much debate! HEYOH! I’m sure this is all old news to Wilson and his police scanner.

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/12/2014

Posted on May 12, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Dingogram!

What’s up with Monday sucking so much ball gravy? Getting real tired of your shit, Monday. Happy late Mother’s Day to all the baby mamma’s out there. Hope you had a good day, because it’s back to your normal bullshit now. So you might still be something when you’re dead. I mean, that’s not confirmed, there’s some investigation and science that needs to happen, but it might be true. Ellis is going to find out soon enough when he has his heart surgery, then goes to Peru, and then trips on ayahuasca. Aubrey’s done it, Joe’s done it, and they’re smart and still here and functioning. I think this might be the first subject on the show that Dingo hasn’t pretended to be an expert on, so I think we all might need to trip balls a few more times just so Dingo has to do more psychedelics just to catch up to the rest of the world. Not to be mean of course, just to rub it in, in a friendly manner. He’s ready to go to Peru and take a mind trip with Ellis, Tully however, is not. Speaking of Dingo, he went to Malibu or some shit this weekend and saw a bunch of famous people like the handsome John C. Reilly. Dingo will also be going to Street League and Ellis will not. Dingo says he would be willing to try and get interviews for the show, which is cool, but Dingo has let Ellis down before so let’s not get too overly excited just yet. Dingo also has been going to Vegas to be in Lil Jon’s video or some shit and pouring champagne on motherfuckers and passing out shots. He’s been doing it for years so he’s totally unimpressed. OVER IT. He misses his cues, he fucks up and sprays champagne at the wrong time, he falls off the stage sometimes. He don’t give a shit. He’s in Lil Jon’s video, what does he think about it? Big whoop. Here’s a link to the “official” video that Dingo is not in and here’s a link to the other video that Dingo is in. (around the 2:28 mark) According to Tully (and The Source “Dingo”), Lil Jon is a really nice guy. And that may be true, but this is without a doubt the most I’ve ever discussed Lil Jon and that makes me feel weird – so it’s time to move on.

I’m in the bathroom with Kenda.

Is finger banging and old lady like putting eye cream on a set of old wrinkly eye lids? Do animals lick each other’s genitals? Tully & Dingo say no, Ellis says yes, so then Dingo says yes. As it turns out, bats suck bat dick, or at least the lick bat dick. Tig McPickles is getting into some shit at school, not listening, saying his dad would kick another kid’s dads ass, etc. Papa Fifty is almost dead or likely to die sooner rather than later, he also has his own Instagram now. So UFC was this past weekend and Tully lost his bet, because he put his money on the Brazilian bitch, who of course lost. Looks like he’ll be spinning the Wheel of Doom. Kenda called in to talk about her titties and how much she desires them to be sucked on – just kidding – it was MMA News. Kenda lives in a condo with a community pool, she’s sitting by the pool now, waiting for someone to come suckle her teets – just kidding – she’s in the bathroom of the community pool taking a dump – just kidding – she’s in there so she can talk while her phone is plugged in to her ass – just kidding – it’s plugged into the wall. She recently had a wet dream about Ellis – just kidding – it was a dry dream, but Ellis was in it. Michael Sam got drafted into the NFL as the 249th pick by the Rams, if you remember, he’s the openly gay football player from Missouri. He cried and kissed his boyfriend and as you might have guessed, some people took issue with that.

Coming in hard with some factual shit.

Tully stepped up to spin the Wheel of Doom, he landed on “Spanked by Will” and he has to fart, or possibly shit, and piss, so he has no idea how this is going to go. To get things setup, Tully pulls down his pants (underwear on), bends over Will’s good knee, and gets spanked so he learns his lesson. Learns it real good. Now everyone wants boner inducing spanks from Will. Time for a history game between Ellis and Dingo as hosted by Mike “My Ass Is Kind of Stingy” Tully. Who was Machiavelli? He was a drug running in the 1400’s who invented pizza, rode horses with a saddle, and started the movement of separating Sicilian and Italians. Who was Mussolini? Another Italian, a general, started a revolution when he invented the dumpling during a war with the world for the second time, and was executed for his evil empire against pastries and music. AIDs, it jumped from monkeys to humans because the junky monkeys shared needles, then someone cut a monkey, fuck it, cut it up, sliced them selves because the Slap-Chop™ had not been invented yet, and then under cooked the HIV monkey and BAM! You just got the AIDs. Why did Muhammed Ali refuse to be drafted into the war? He was Muslim and said that’s bullshit and then served some time for that shit and there ya go. There was a Rocky Marciano movie, what the fuck do you wanna know about him? He used to do shows, people hired him to do stand-up at bars, and he drank a lot, fucked a carrot and that’s how we got stuck with Carrot Top. Dingo was born, in a world, in 1986. But that’s also when the Russians got nuclearized by Chernobyl, fish got 3 eyes, bitches got 7 tits, and there was all kinds of fucked up shit, all the Gernobyly people got died unless they escaped to LA to block Ellis’ driveway. Right around the same time, Maria Shriver married Schwarzenegger, created a nice little family, stopped blowing Arnie, she turned bitter, he turned bitter, she fucked herself, he fucked the maid. That or she’s the freaky one and wanted him to fuck maids, get them pregnant, and call him a pussy while she rubs one out in the corner. William Shakespeare wrote plays, worked for French people and shit, and if it wasn’t for him there would be no Spielberg. The Red Baron is a dog or a chicken who loves also loves chicken and flies a dog house with wings, he was a Nazi and killed mad people and children, also his pizza is complete shit. Charlie Chaplin was a famous entertainer, his house is now a Russian restaurant run by Australians, he owned more property than anyone else in LA, and was very dark and would do creepy shit to women, he was a real loose unit, and Hitler stole his mustache. Abraham Lincoln was huge, he invented a car, he was a dark human being, he tried to free the blacks with commandments but with more important shit, he wrote a bunch of shit down that said “this is what’s up” and changed the game. Democrats shot him because they knew Obamacare was coming. The Civil War, what was so civil about it anyway? It happened on the east coast, red coats versus blue coats, no motherfuckers thought of wearing camouflage, nobody knew how to step out of the way of shit that can kill you, they were pretty fucked up. We watched Mel Gibson’s son die because of some cocksuckers, and if it wasn’t for Colonel Gibson, we’d all be eating French bread, all over a racist confederate Texas flag while eating blacks, which is crazy because blacks fought each other to see who could get eaten first. Dingo remembers North, South, East, West by reciting a cute little phrase, “Never Eat Soggy Weetbix”, so maybe that will help you to remember the four major points on the compass too! And there you have it, hopefully everyone learned something.

I’ll get off your toilet for a measly $6k.

Mr. T won’t get off the toilet for less than $100k or some shit, so let’s see what it takes to get some other celebrities off the shitter. Jose Canseco got paid $100k (?) for his last celebrity boxing thing. How much to get Carmen Electra to show up at a party? $100k. How much to get Huge Jackman to show up to your shithole? $250k. How much to get Puffy to show up and shut up? $500k. Pauly Shore? $30k, buuuuddy. Wendy Williams? $10k. Drake? $1M James Earl Jones? $1M. Chelsea Handler? $100k to show up, $150k to bang her. Cher? $1.5M to show up, $0.75 to eat her out. Mötley Crüe? $150k. Khloé Kardashian? $150k + $100k in food. Slayer? $30k. Avril Lavigne? $350k, no touching. Conversation turned to ayahuasca again and we got calls from listener’s who knew a guy who knew a guy who saw a guy at a truck stop who told about a guy that knew a sherman who puked and shit himself and talked to dead people who didn’t drink coffee. It was a real eye opener – just kidding – it was fucktarded. We heard about some stupid bitch in Edmonton who attacked a dude on a subway in Edmonton, of course it’s a fucking world star video. This was a perfect lead into final calls – sadly nobody dropped a “world star son, world star, world star, world star” until they got shot. And that, my friends, wraps this baby up nice and neat like a turd with a bow on it. Enjoy it. Love it. Make out with it. Peel your banana to the left, peel your banana to the right, peel your banana and uh, take a bite! YAY!

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Tag Archives: Mike Tully

Show Recap for Thursday 5/22/2014

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Show Recap for Thursday 5/15/2014

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/14/2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/12/2014