Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/8/14

Posted on July 8, 2014 by shit_toboggan

Guess who’s back in the mother fuckin’ house? WIT A FAT DICK FO’ YA MOTHA FUCKIN’ MOUTH!!! That’s right folks, you couldn’t keep me away from this shit if you tried, unless I went on vacation next week and needed someone to cover me, or I got the kind of job that required more continuous involvement instead of spurts of attention between slow periods in the day. Luckily for you though, I get to give a glorious report on the events of the Jason Ellis Show’s second day back from vacation and after the quality programming we got yesterday, today better be fucking amazing or so help me god I will strangle a kitten and make Thai food with it’s entrails! Let’s get into it! So, today kicked off with Jason talking about how Khloe Kardashian has a radio show but none of it would be possible if Usher hadn’t stuffed his dick in Kim’s box. The rest of the staff were looking out the window at some construction going on and Jason and Tully had to rip into them for expressing their childlike wonder at men using big machines. Hot Dog showed up to work stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times and the guys spent a few minutes on that. Medical marijuana doctors all seem like rub and tug parlors, according to Tully, but this is America and we keep sex out of all forms of media unless we think we can sell something to somebody with it. Some UFC fighter passed out while warming up for a fight over the weekend, probably because he’s 7 feet tall and gigantic people are really well known for having heart problems. There was some more UFC talk and stuff, and I was feasting on an avocado and cream cheese sandwich, so it all kind of slipped past me. Something about Michael Jordan and how all the hustle and drive in the world can’t replace a certain amount of talent. Cumtard still has cysts all over his head, but that doesn’t trump the cysts in Ronda Rousey’s fist that popped over the weekend. Jetta tried to film WILSON taking his pants off and Rude Jude was in studio to give a play by play of Pendarvis’ fucked up knee. Seriously though, Will’s knee is fucked up, which means we can probably stop talking shit on him being a vag at that basketball tournament the show had like 2 years ago. Jason gave WILSON some old skateboarder frontier medicine on how to ice down swollen joints, and it probably sank in, but WILSON is from the south so he’s probably got some tricks of his own. Jude asked Jason if he thought that WILSON might do some real irreversible damage to Cumtard and the answer was very vague so it’s very possible we’ll be watching an actual drunken street fight between two people with an 80 pound weight difference and no concern for getting arrested. Bruce Willis was in a commercial for Seagram’s wine coolers back in the day, and the reason we know this is cause Jude is a little high and when you’re a little high you remember shit that doesn’t have anything to do with anything but can make great conversation. One time back when Jason and Andrea were still married, an overweight girl’s titty popped out in front of them and the only way Ellis could get away with it was to say “Ewwwww” which is sometimes the correct answer even when your wife doesn’t keep your testicles in a Dolce & Gabana purse. Fabio is the least acceptable musician to have ever lived and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times for being allowed to record an album. Jude noticed that the beat really was on par with almost everything else from the late 80’s/early 90’s, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s Fabio and he sounds like a Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. In case you didn’t catch it on twitter and Instagram over the weekend, I’m back on instagram, and also Jason has been in contract talks with SiriusXM and it’s looking like he’s getting a little bit more favor in the company, so kudos for all the hard work. And you can see stupid pictures of me doing shit at shit.toboggan on the insta. Or you could do me a real favor and assassinate Mark Zuckerberg, either one. The guys finally got the audio of Bruce Willis whoring himself out for Seagram’s wine coolers and if that’s not 80’s enough, he had a full head of hair when it happened, and GOD DAMN IF IT ISN’T THE MOST EPIC EMBARRASSING SHIT YOU COULD EVER HAVE IMMORTALIZED ON THE INTERNET!!! AND HE SLAPPED THE SHIT OUT OF A BLACK GUY AND A DOG!!! AAAAHHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAAAAAHAA!!!
If I had the free time at work, I would have cried a little. And to top it all off, he got fired as the Seagram’s spokesperson after he got arrested for drunk driving. But hey, at least he spawned two good looking daughters, one of whom insists on getting naked in public and is not offensive to the eyes when she does so, soooooo… Fuck yeah, Willis. Then they played one of his originals from “The Revenge Of Bruno” and it’s one of those music videos that takes us back to a time like when Paula Abdul danced on a staircase with someone dressed as a cat. Oh, to have been alive in a time when cocaine was non habit-forming. I imagine it must have been just like all of my favorite 80’s movies where nothing bad ever happened to anyone except stuffy rich people with no style. After hearing more of his music, the guys determined that Bruce Willis needs to open for Horse Force/Death!Death!Die!/Taintstick at the next EllisMania. Jude moved into a sweetly gentrified new apartment recently and is enjoying the shit out of it. That’s right, no more gay Mexican tweakers breaking in to rummage through his shit. The guys took a break to let Jude get back to his day job and get ready for a guest they had lined up, and I got to listen to the only song by the Beatles that was ever given a proper cover, and then some Machine Head to smash my head against the desk to.

Coors Light Canada had to apologize after an intersection got closed off due to some promotional stunt, and in a shocking display of Caniadianism, the townspeople accepted the apology, and everybody went out for Tim Horton’s and poutine afterwards. Amber Lyon stopped by to hang out with the guys today. If you don’t know who she is, WELCOME TO THE BABY SEAL CLUB!!! Amber is a journalist for some company which didn’t get mentioned in the meet and greet. The guys are really impressed with Amber because she doesn’t have a TV personality voice or act like the re-skinned cybernetic husk of Tom Brokaw. I for one don’t watch the news, cause it’s primarily lies or pointless distractions, and if I wanted all that, there’s still HBO, but if this lady was talking I would be less offended at the whole situation. Amber is on board with Aubrey from Onnit and all the other ayhuasca MMA extreme fitness Dolce diet crowd, and was nice enough to bring a piece for Ellis to get up himself when the time is appropriate. So, everybody talked psychedelics for a while and all the really fun mind expanding wall destroying times you can have on them, however it’s important to be careful, or much like an old friend of mine, you will get wrestled to the ground by the police in your own home and have a taser barb fired into your asshole while trying to carry a conversation with Jesus. So, Amber is an Emmy winner and made a documentary on some aspect of the ridiculous state that Americans leave the Middle East in every time we go to “visit” (by visit I mean pilfer natural resources and keep brown people under raps). She seemed to have a pretty good eye for what was going on around her and didn’t get shot by any of the fringe groups and got to expose the glaring hypocrisy of everything that the US has done in the middle east for a fuck ton of years, but y’know, in the name of freedom, not personal gain for the oil companies and weapons manufacturers we elected TWICE just a few years back. She also did a story on how it’s ridiculously easy to get medical grade heroin but in most states you’ll still go to a federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison for getting caught with a dime bag of weed. So, all in all, not a hateable person in my opinion. Amber heard about that whole “bubbling” trend and had to ask Ellis about it and he kinda dodged telling her about that time he wanted to be Lyoto Machida, but did tell her about getting so drunk he passed out face down and woke up second away from crib death by way of nocturnal emission. There was some more ayhuasca talk and being a guy that hasn’t done drugs in a long time, it’s only slightly making me feel like I missed out on a good time, and kind of makes me want to tell Ellis to either go on a bender and get some new stories about it or just quit bringing it up. Amber suggested that Jason should try MDMA therapy cause she apparently doesn’t know he already tried that and that may be part of the cause for some of the spotty connections that go on in his head now. There was some more talk about how dropping acid is therapeutic, except when you catch a taser barb in your asshole, or when you’re the founder of Alcoholics Anonymous and you drop a bunch of acid to try and treat one of the outlying symptoms associated with being an alcoholic. Really, what I’m trying to say is, don’t do things that might get you a taser barb in the asshole. I just can’t find any reason why that might be something I would recommend. More psychedelics talk, and then some more, and more promoting hippie frontier medicine, and all kinds of other stuff that didn’t particularly pique my interest. But hey, somebody probably got a lot out of it, and the god damn world doesn’t revolve around me, so those are the two most important things to take away from the last hour. The guys watched some fottage of a news piece Amber did about ladies in mixed martial arts, and as those of us who have been listening for a while would know, Every opportunity for sexual inuendo was taken and beaten to death. And then they started talking about Wolf Blitzer for no discernable reason. But then Death!Death!Die! came to break up the pow wow so that we could move onto other more important things. Like farts and crib death.

Kit Cope relayed a video to the guys of a musical performance by KIevin Costner, and it was like they put “The Postman” in song and tried taking the show on the road, which would warrant me demanding that Kevin Costner be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Hopefully it wasn’t a cover song, cause I would triple the royalties if he butchered something I created like that. The guys talked for a while about just where in the shining blue fuck did Kevin Costner come from? The real answer is Lynwood, CA, but Jason still holdsa true that he was birthed at a Red Lobster during a Satanic rite that also produced the script for Robin Hood: Prince of thieves and Waterworld. Tully floated the idea that if McDonald’s started selling a $0.99 ribeye steak, nobody would ask any questions cause Outback would already have countered with their newest delicacy: Steak-on. That’s right, a steak made of bacon. Obesity is only a problem if you stop telling people it’s good for them. The boys discussed Mike Catherwood because at the go kart races last week he was looking fantastic, but they could see his former junkie/roid freak side come out on the track. This gave Jason the idea to bring in the Catherwood couple for counselling on the Jason Ellis show every so often cause sometimes fucking with other people’s healthy relationships for entertainment can be a good god damn time. Jason is trying to get a line in his contract that would bring about a FUCKING WORLD WIDE WOLFKNIVES GATHERING TOUR LIKE THE JUGGALOS BUT WITH ALL NATURAL GREEN DRINKS INSTEAD OF FAYGO AND A LOT LESS CRYSTAL METH!!!!!!!! And there’s gonna be some new Wolfknives gear coming out in the near future, even stuff for the ladies, so if you want a running joke about Vespas to drape over your titties, just keep your eyes on the Wolfknives online store! Tully recounted a theory that he’s heard about how lotto winners don’t usually end up as happier better people just cause they get a bunch of money and equated it to his own experiences with having a certain constant level of stress and how even if you solve a problem there’s always gonna be another one and we all die. Plus, a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and giving them large amounts of financial independence just magnifies all the shitty ideas they normally wouldn’t have been able to act on. Jason has been keeping in touch with his stepmom more often lately and they seem to be forming a much better bond than when he was a kid and the only thing they had in common were a couple relatives. The guys took some phone calls to get ideas on what Ellis should do in a hotel room with a bunch of fans and friends of the show and organize some stunts and games to have people do. Some of the suggestions were weed lube wrestling, animal bites with Donald Schultz, drunken stripper contest, and a serious delay in answering phones to get more ideas care of Hot Dog being stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Whle they waited for Hebrew National to get up to speed with everybody who didn’t go to the same high school as Cumtard, Tully read us a news story about a girl in Ireland who went to some far off mystical resort where the bartender convinced this young lady to blow 24 dudes for a free drink and apparently there’s video floating around on the internet and I saw this news story on a couple sites, so it’s probably very true and does show that Europeans are just not as uptight about sex as we are and if it was consesual, it’s not a fucking problem for anybody. The ideas started flowing in for this super model party, first up was a vibrator hot potato relay race, then nude armwrestling, drunk obstacle course racing, Wet T-shirt contest with the new Wolfknives gear, ass-groping contest, anal bead tug-of-war, strip hi-low and the loser gets drawn on with body paint and sharpies, blindfolded drunken stripper miniature golf, strip sting pong, finger painting with your tits, 20 women independently ranking each other (cause bitches got no loyalty and stereotypes don’t fall out of the sky), pillow fight tournament and photo shoot, topless pogo sticking, pin-the-tail-on-the-Cumtard, what’s in my box/what’s on my tits (probably the latter cause lawyers are uptight cunts), strip limbo, and that was all they could handle for the day. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Madonna got excused from jury duty which is fucking fantastic cause I wouldn’t trust her to be a reasonable jury member in any capacity whatsoever. Wendy Williams is turning 50 and went on the Today Show to fulfill her dream of being a singer and it was nothing too special unless you’re the type to hang around the Today Show crowd being a hokey shithead who would be pumped as all fuck to watch Wendy Williams butcher a Diana Ross song. It was almost as bad as Kevin Costner, and she should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Pink Floyd is gonna release a new album this October and I didn’t think I could hate them any more than I already do, but that’s sure to change by year’s end. The guys talked Living Colour for a bit cause apparently Vernon Reed is like Jimi Hendrix reincarnated, but then they started talking Floyd again and I couldn’t be bothered to pay attention cause I already lived with hippies once and for where I’m at today, the less Floyd the better. Roy Horn, of getting mauled by a tiger and being a gay Vegas magician fame, is being sued by a guy for being creepy as fuck and making unwelcome sexual advances, which I have no trouble believeing at all cause just one Sigfried and Roy billboard is an unwelcome sexual advance. DMX is gonna get his wages garnished to cover child support cause a black man in America can never cautch a break. Sting’s kids are trying to cash their trust funds early cause apparently money is good. The guys talked a while about how the children of rich kids almost always grow up to be the most ungrateful pieces of shit on the planet. And finally, Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory is gonna come back from retirement/cancellation for a seventh season!!! And the townspeople rejoiced.

AUSSIE CUNTS!!! I mean NEWS!!! If you didn’t know, Aussie rules football has elements of American football and basketball and everybody’s getting beaten about the head and face as all sports should be played. What’s important about all that is that some Aussie sick cunt performed the first documented on-field choking of an opposing player and had to be pulled off by all the members of the other team AND HE WOULD HAVE PUT THE FUCKER OUT TOO IF IT WEREN’T FOR THOSE MEDDLING KIDS!!! Jason is gonna be on Dr. Drew On Call again tonight, as he does regularly on Tuesdays and Thursdays nowadays. Some lady abandoned a baby on the subway which doesn’t surprise me cause a grand percentage of people are just fucking terrible and this is why unwed mothers in biblical times were stoned. Tully found some more audio of Fabio singing R&B songs in the early nineties and I WANT FABIO DEAD!!! IT’S MY BIRTHDAY NEXT WEDNESDAY, YOU SHOULD ALL BE ABLE TO MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!! But why this is important is because Cumtard is gonna try and recreate the vocal stylings in his own tard-tastic way with the Fabio accent and the speech jammer app. It sounded exactly like Fabio, the Norwegian rapist with down syndrome. It was quite entertaining too, like an extreme parody of itself. It was all kinds of meta, let’s just say that. Tully reported on a story about a family up here in the bay area who hired a nanny on a no pay basis in exchange for free room and board in their house and after a few weeks of really great service, the nanny essentially refused all services and went bat shit fucking crazy and won’t leave the house and is making all sorts of ridiculous demands and if you do a little more research you’ll find out that these people are all fucking terrible and should be stoned like an unwed mother in biblical times. Long story short, no contract illegal employee who’s barred from suing anyone in California because she’s got a record of suing absolutely everyone, hired by a family with a stay at home mom who can’t be bothered to take care of her own kids, everybody’s liable to go to jail or be fined excessively if they take it to court, but the family wants an A&E series on their experience cause “fuck me in the ass homie” is the correct answer, and what the townspeople should do is burn down the house with all occupants except the children locked inside. The guys discussed the logistics of having the nanny killed by crocodile assassin and all of the logistical problems that might come into play in this particular scenario, like how to testify in your own defense against accusations of hiring a guy with a crocodile to remove an illegal tenant. The guys took some final calls to hear everybody’s best impression of Fabio and that was a bit of a treat, and Tony Hawk was live today so the guys finished up right at 4 PM sharp cause Tony Hawk is GAWD.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show recap for Thursday 5/29/2014

Posted on May 29, 2014 by jenni_mazky

You know..my day had been going pretty well up until about two hours ago..give or take depending on when the show ended. I’m not gonna go into detail but..fuck this shit..and FYI..I’m typing this on my iPhone..and that’s basically the least of my fucking worries. Ugh. Ughughugh. It’s funny because all of those ughs together look like a couple of hugs. Hugs are way more useful than ughs.

so anyways..Welcome to THE show. Most of us listeners aren’t listening to the show on a farm or out in nature (is an oilfield nature? Would that count? Is an oilfield the place that nature goes to die?!) but apparently we should be. Why? Because Ellis says so and as it’s his show, he probably knows what he’s talking about. He is awesome like that. He wants to get back in touch with nature and with his roots and all of that but not in Australia, he wants to transplant the roots that he’s getting back in touch with to be transplanted here to where his heart calls home, the good old US of A because he is a great American. The only thing that worries him about getting in touch with his roots here in America is we have bears. Apparently there aren’t too many bears running around the outback in the bush and Ellis is prepared to deal with just about every gnarly creature in creation except for a bear. Tully advises him a bit on the subject saying he’s better off not dealing with the beat at all and just getting the hell out of dodge if a bear comes along, because those things are not to be fucked with. Although, Tully does mention that there isn’t a great chance that Ellis would come across a bear in a national park because..well..I don’t know why, but I’ve only been camping one time in my life and it wasn’t in a bear area so..anyway. Ellis questioned getting a gun to protect him and the kids and Katie from a bear attack, but Tully wisely chimed in that that was probably a horrible idea that could go wrong in soso many ways. This is all being talked about because at some point in the relatively near future they have off for a week and Ellis is looking into a little family weeklong getaway. Originally he was looking into spending that time at the O’Neill racing camp so he could learn to drive the buggyracecarthingthatidontreallygetwhatitis a little better, but it’s in the middle of nowhere and he doesn’t want to go somewhere that’s fun for him but not so fun for the kids, because that isn’t fair. A caller does call the show to tell him that the racing camp is in New Hampshire and while there isn’t anything to do in that immediate area, there are a couple kiddie themed theme parks that the kids may enjoy, so maybe that isn’t entirely off the table at this point.

On the subject of kids for realsies at this point Ellis brings up that Tiger wants to go to work with Daddy like he did that one time and be on the radio, and the idea gets brought up that he and Tully should have a bring your son to work day. Tully thinks it would be worth it just because he wants to be amused by the people of the Green Room- Kevin, Jetta, and Will- trying to be responsible for the kids for whatever time they aren’t actively on the air. Ellis doesn’t really seem to want the Green Room to be responsible for his kids, well, except for Will, and probably Jetta wouldn’t be so bad, but Kevin taking care of his kid might be a freaking disaster and a half. Hahahaha. Tully has confidence in Will’s kid abilities as well, probably because Will is a father himself who has managed to not kill or maim his progeny, and he pegs Jetta as the kind of guy who wouldn’t be completely horrible at it, but would definitely leave the situation kind of harassed and haggard because Jetta is just not ready to deal with all the things that a kid entails. He doesn’t have much faith in Kevin’s childcare abilities either. Ellis says that Kevin would be fine, probably, so long as he knew what the line was and didn’t cross it, because he’s probably be entertaining and like a giant cartoon character, but he still seemed pretty shaky on the whole idea. Kevin came in to the studio to defend himself on the matter stating that about five years ago when he was in New York he was hooking up with all kinds of Mama’s with babies and the kids all loved him. But, let’s be honest, he’s probably lost all of that skill by now. Tully and Ellis riff for a while about what their kids could talk about on the air, and got so far as Monster Trucks, because Little Dude is in to them and so is Tiger, and scary things, because Little Dude is kind of ‘in’ to being scared right now and is being scared by everything and Tiger has a story about being chased by a dog that winds up biting him and that is scary as shit to any little kid. The theme here is that Little Dude sort of sets the bar for the conversation, because he’s the Little Dude and doesn’t have the grandest vocabulary because he is still, really, a baby. I mean, at least to me, and I’m writing this…so sufffffffahhhhhhhh.

Moving on there is some brief talk about how Ken Block is going to be on the show tomorrow and they will be giving away some Ken Block RC Cars like the ones that were gifted to Ellis, and if you want one you should probably be listening to the show tomorrow. Isn’t that neat? I think it’s neat. I want one. I have always loved RC cars. Other little girls were asking for Barbies and shit (which I never wanted to be involved in, at all) and I was always asking for the latest and greatest in Radio Control Cars, because I probably am a guy trapped in a girl’s body who is probably gay on account of how much I love Hubbs, and yeah, I seriously think about that sometimes. I don’t think I really am, and I’m not trying to make a joke out of it, because being Transgender is serious, but looking at my life…I’m a super masculine chick in a lot of ways. Always have been, and probably always will be. I don’t know if this makes Hubbs lucky or unlucky. He doesn’t seem to really hate it.

Back to the show.

A caller named Jessica calls in to the show, which is why I’m calling her a caller, and she just wanted to tell Ellis and Tully that even though she didn’t get chosen for The Biggest Loser Fight at Ellismania 10, she isn’t going to let that curtail her desire to get in shape. She has already lost 5 pounds (go Jessica!!!!!) and is looking forward to getting fit. On top of that, after listening to how Will is going to quit smoking, she decided that she too was quitting smoking and that is just another thing that is going to make her life so much better!!! Woo hooo!!! Will is an inspiration to the masses!!! Tully mentions that he kind of wishes that they could get a guy who works for Big Tobacco on to the show to talk to them and ask them how they deal with life and get through every day when they know that they peddle a product that straight up kills people. Will pops his head into the studio to say that they probably do what anyone else in an unsavory career does and rationalizes the fuck out of it, rather than deal with the cold hard truth that they are death peddlers, because yeah, they have to feed their families, and yeah, if they weren’t doing it there would always be another person out there to take up the torch of death peddling. Also, if he’s going to start going to the gym with Ellis on Monday, it has to be earlier than 9AM. Not because he is trying to get out of it, which Ellis accuses him of, but because he starts his day at the office at 9AM and it would be way easier and make much more sense in his life if they could meet at the gym at 7AM. Done. Gym starts Monday at 7AM.

Speaking of death, let’s talk about people who eat the food at 7-11. What the fuck is up with that? And not like the people who once in a drunk or high while grab some 7-11 people, let’s talk about the hardcore ‘I ingest this poison every day’ people because….seriously?!?!?!?! Tully says he’s not sure if it’s a phenomena that occurs outside of LA, but it is, it happens here in New York, and not just the metropolitan NY, out here on Long Island in whatever kind of suburbia this is, there are people who walk into the 7-11’s day after day and feed their hankering for a pizza cooked by heating lamp. The office I worked at was right next door to 7-11, I saw that shit on the daily when I would go in to get my ‘I’m halfway through the day and need a second cup’ of tea. There are people who do that and are fine, but the stats, as Tully and Ellis say, are stacked against you. They then start talking about eating healthy and eating clean and how important it is, especially as one gets to their thirties and so on, and how they feel like shit after eating shit and McDonald’s is the devil. I don’t mean to sound dismissive, but again, this is all being done on an iPhone and this is not a new subject. Eat clean and feel good. Eat shit and feel shitty. Boom.

At some point in here CumTard pops in the studio to regale the guys and us listeners with his latest tale of Being Jason Bourne, where some crazy/mentally unstable individual snatched his newly gotten Bacon, Egg, and Cheese from the Deli, chucked it into the street where it fell to its death beneath the wheels of a big ol’ bus and incited CumTard to give chase to the fucking insane guy. This random crazy guy had apparently attacked some other innocent bystander recently and CumTard was about to beat the snot out of him when he was thrown off by the guys Charles Manson-esque rage babble. Instead, he found himself dodging Karate kicks and calling the guy a fucking asshole psycho and I don’t know how it turns out that the guy got away from CumTard Bourne but at some point the police may be coming to take his statement on the whole ordeal since someone called the cops on this. Damn. That could totally be a really lame straight to Netflix movie that no one ever watches, not even me and Hubbs, who have watched so many bad movies on Netflix on purpose because there are nights where it is simply ‘Bad Movie Night’. Think ‘Oh shit! This movie got negative stars?!?!?!?! Bring it on, motherfucker! Pass the Lemonheads!!’

Back from the break Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood are in the studio and if you don’t know who they are or where they’re from, then I feel bad for you. I mean, even if you are a new listener, HAVE YOU BEEN LIVING IN A BOX???? That’s not even an excuse because for a long long long time I basically lived in a box, and in a lot of ways I still kind of do, and I know who the hell they are. You, you have zero excuses. But they are in the studio and I was driving and taking not notes, so this is what I remember. First, traffic fucking blows hardcore when it’s rush hour and you’re driving home from Queens. Second…they are Hilarious. There was some talk about Ellis’s heart surgery and how doctors are awesome…but then again some doctors aren’t and there really is a larger margin for good versus bad when it comes to doctoring than one might imagine. Even Catherwood was surprised about the competency gap when he and Drew originally got on the subject when they were talking about things for Love Line. Yeah…doctors are just as shitty as every other human has the potential to be. There are really good ones and there are really bad ones. Dr. Drew mentions at one point in the conversation, and it kind of didn’t register too high on the conversation radar, that if you’re looking for a good doctor, especially if it’s something big, look for information about them being Board Certified. Usually a Board Certified Doctor has his shit pretty together. Dr. Drew also has known Ellis’s heart doctor, whose name is Dave for a really long time and gives him the A+ stamp of approval. There are also a lot of dick jokes, talking about sex, and how Dr. Drew has a huge brocrush on Ellis that is not going to end anytime soon. It’s Dr. Drew and Catherwood, people, it’s always good when they’re on. So good that it’s worth catching the replay or downloading the on demand episode. Love it.

They also played a game!!! With Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood on one team and the good old King and Queen on the opposing team, the foursome played a rousing game of Ellis Password and it was fucking hilarious. I was still driving (at this point actually closer to the call we were going to and having to navigate rich people streets through all of the hilarity). If you don’t know how Password is played, again, even living in a box is no excuses, but I referenced Love Line up there (AKA What Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood do together) so I’ll briefly explain. In Password, one member of the team has a word, the ‘password’ and they give their partner one word clues in order to get them to say the word (in this case they have three chances). Easy peasy. But not. I love games like this. There’s one called Taboo where it’s the same premise with the added twist that there is also a list of things that you can’t say to your partner to try and get them to say the Password. When I play that game with certain people, it makes me think that I am psychic. I even thought I was a little psychic listening to them play password on the show, because, I shit you not, I knew what Ellis and Tully were going to say to each other before they said it. Hubbs is a witness. I’m creepy. They played until five and I learned that Mike Catherwood and Dr. Drew are both really competitive (Catherwood’s is an aggressive competitiveness and Dr. Drew’s is much more laid back) because at one point, even Tully made a comment that it’s a good thing Catherwood isn’t The Hulk because otherwise he would have Hulked out and destroyed Dr. Drew’s face with his fist. Dr. Drew failed miserably when the password was ‘Doctor’ and not because he was unable to make Mike Catherwood say it, but because he didn’t say, “Me” as the clue. I’m kind of surprised that Tully didn’t get ‘Dragon’ on the first try after Ellis said ‘Red’, although he did eventually get it…and I will never know what made Ellis said ‘Purple’ after hearing the clues for ‘Pink’ which were- Rose, Vagina, Flower, and Girly. It was a great segment and I look forward to them doing it again with another power couple. Before Mike and Dr. Drew left there was some talk about them being a part of Ellismania, where Catherwood would be up to fighting Tyler Posey (whom he loves) and Dr. Drew could maybe be running the Cut Corner. Which he had to have explained to him. Dr. Drew would love to fight Geraldo, except not, because he’s a doctor and that’s not a good look for him. Ellis also got Mike Catherwood to dish a bit on his wife, Bianca, who was on the slate to be on the show after they left, and he talked about how she had a baby 6 weeks ago at home with a midwife and likes to be talked dirty to during sex about fictional people who he had sex with, in great detail. Oh, and she totally heard him say that, and she’s in the Green Room breastfeeding.

Back from the second break, Bianca, wife to Mike Catherwood and Actress on the New NBC show, Undateable which premiered tonight at 9 on NBC is in the studio to talk about…stuff. Lots of stuff. Like, hour and a half worth of stuff, which I still did not get to take notes on until the last fifteen minutes. And she seems…awesome. Like, I would totally hang out with her and get to know her and want to be BFF’s and I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t be like the other mom’s that I know who hate me because I’m a decade younger and a decade and a half cuter than they are. I hate people. Anyway…yeah…they literally talk about everything. Ellis makes a comment off the bat that she seems very motherly and he just wants to open up to her, and spoon her, and cry to her, and be mummied by her in a non-creepy way. She says that she has definitely gotten that since before she became a mom (to a little girl 7 weeks ago!!! Congrats!!!) and I feel like I was a fly on the wall of a get to know you therapy session where the doctor just basically gets you to lay it all out on the table. Seriously. Everything. They talk about her having a baby at home, about possibly being a hippy (and if she is one, she’s def one of the Earthy laid back chicks who is super mellow and not one of the weird ones who don’t wash their hair and smell like their homemade compost heap around the clock and hemp oil). They talk about sexual preferences, people having sexual energy, Ellis’ childhood, her teens and twenties, him being married twice, her being married once before, kids, food, fucking everything. It was fucking fantastic, which I find fantastic, because sometimes the ladies (Not Katie, obviously) are a little one dimensional, but she was really ready to get down to the gnitty gritty and wasn’t shy about answering any question and was completely forthcoming about her life and relationships, and she was really refreshing. She reminds me of me a bit, and hopefully, I will still be like her when I am 37. In the future, we may see her featured as the star of one of TJES movies as Vominatrix…a psycho killer lady who vomits on her victim’s dead bodies. Awesome.

Rounding out the end of the show is a phone call from Aubrey Marcus from Onnit, our new weekly whole body health guru!!! Woooooooo!!!! I think I like this guy more every time he’s on the show. I’m really loving the tips that he’s sharing and I don’t know if it’s because I’ve turned into a yogi and am getting really into the whole mind/body connection or what, but I feel super motivated whenever he is on. This week is the first week that he’s calling in for tips, last week he was in the studio on air talking about Step One and figuring out where it is that you want to be. He says that he has some tips on Energy and getting more energy to get through the day and maybe just give you that little extra push to get the things done that you really want to get done, like maybe if you’re a but on the cusp about whether or not you’ll go to the gym, these tips might help push you to getting there. And they are simple and involve things that you need to survive. The trifecta of shit we need to keep living is air, water, and food. Boom. Simple. Food is the obvious one when it comes to how it affects our energy levels so he leaves that one last, and starts with the two less obvious ones- Air and Water. We all need air to breathe. Boom. That is not an epiphany. But apparently, the way that we are breathing does have an effect on our day to day energy levels. Aubrey explains that most people are chest breathers, which keeps us going and puts oxygen in our blood, but deep breathing is better. What is deep breathing? It’s breathing that fills up the entire volume of the lung as opposed to just the upper portion that chest breathing fills. Deep breathing is powered by the diaphragm and you feel it in your belly. So, what should we do? We should pay more attention to our breathing, because breathing is life, yo. But seriously, throughout the day, when you find yourself with some spare minutes while driving, behind your desk, in line at the bank, or what have you, concentrate on taking some deeper breaths. Deeper breathing leads to more oxygen in the blood, more red blood cells powering your tissues and your mind and woo-hoo, just an extra bit of energy to get you through the day. Easy as pie, and we all know that pie is slutty. Next on the list is water. We are mostly made of water, so obviously it’s important. But Aubrey says something that, I think everyone knows in some corner of their mind, that most people are dehydrated. What’s the solution? Well…drink more water. That’s simple. And it really is simple. Get a re-usable bottle of water, fill it up, and sip throughout the day. It’s tougher to pinpoint an actual quantity of how much water you should intake because there are factors like caffeine intake, the amount of fruit and veggies in your daily diet, how many cheeseburgers you eat, and how much salt you consume, but just drink more water. Yes, there is such a thing as drinking too much water, but in the long run, it won’t really hurt you. Drinking water effing hydrates you, it makes your body run better, drink more H2O and feel good about it. Don’t chug. Chugging is not the goods. Just stay hydrated. Lastly, there is food. Obviously you should eat good food, and that’s not really what today’s phone call is about. It is more about HOW you eat food. Apparently we should all chew our food. A lot. Mastication is the first step in digestion. It starts breaking down all those nutrients locked in food and makes it easier for our stomach to digest further, which helps it absorb in our blood better to fuel our bodies. Chew your food until it’s fucking liquid. And if you’re drinking healthy shakes or green drinks, chew it a bit to get some saliva mixed in. There ya go. Also, it’s not the best think to drink while you’re eating a meal as it can dilute the acid in your stomach and halt the digestion process and make it less effective. Digestion is important. And try and finish your eats about 2 – 2/12 hours before you go to sleep, so your body can rest rather than do the digestion work.

The Don’t Die calls were motivated by the question, “What’s the worst text/email that you have accidentally sent to the wrong person at the wrong time?” Ellis broke the ice with how he texted his Ex-Wife “I miss you” which he had meant to send to Katie, but it wasn’t a disaster and he told her that he sent the text to the wrong person before she could even respond. Will told us that he texted who he thought was a buddy that he hadn’t heard from him in a while and they should get together, but it was actually an employee he had fired that was surprised to hear that Will missed having him around. Hahahaha.

Things We Learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

Dr. Drew would let Ellis finger his butthole if Ellis was dressed like Mick Dundee

Ellis and Tully won the Password Game, of course

Kids are really self-centered

Tully and his wife’s relationship is based around food

70% of the population is uncircumcised- Ellis has a stock cock

Pink is Little Dude’s favorite color

You don’t need a CDL to rent an RV

The Grand Canyon is where you go if you’re a city kid and want to see stars

If you smoke a cigarette out of your vagine, you’re a permanent moron

Bianca was in labor for 25 hours…no drugs…no doctor

Being a Parent is weird

Being Choked out is worse than being knocked out

Mike Catherwood needs to stop farting in front of his wife

Show Recap for Friday 12/6/2013

Posted on December 6, 2013 by Az_RedDragon

Welcome to the recap once again and today we found out that the show is like a bobby thingy, I’m not sure why but if that is so then the recap is like a sinker, I’m not sure why that is either but I’m sure there’s a rather insightful analogy hidden in there somewhere. Jason Ellis has his own YouTube channel but he hasn’t posted anything on there for a while but just for shits and giggles why don’t you go over there and subscribe (it’s free ya cheap bastard) in anticipation for what is to come in the near future. The Friday night UFC fights are on tonight (by now you should be used to this) and not on Saturday like usual. Rude Jude stopped in and mentioned that once he was on Kanye West song talking shit because that’s what Jude did back in the day. He also talked to J about being a kid and fucking things up in the name of childhood fun. Jude has a book coming out soon called Hyena. It’s a bunch of short stories about Jude’s life and growing up, according to Wilson, who read a few of the stories, it’s incredible. The also talked about Jude being in the new calendar as a GQ dude on yacht and he was totally down with the idea. Ellis wants to put his face lump in a mayonnaise jar after the doctor cuts it out so that he can watch crickets eat him. And then there’s The Amish. They are all uppity when it comes to electricity but those mother fuckers don’t mind a little juice when it comes to getting their arms and shit seen back on.

Mike Catherwood stopped by to say hello and then Tyler Posey of Teenwolf called in. I’m not sure what they were talking about except that apparently Tyler is a sexy piece of ass. Portos Pastrys Hilaritio and Alahandrrrrrra came in with some exciting pastries for the crew and nothing makes for better radio that a bunch of guys stuffing their faces and saying how good everything tastes. They talked about growing up in LA in the Mexican culture and the uncomfortable moments when a senile woman with a pissed out uterus holding scissors by your neck talks shit on your people. Question, Have you ever thought about killing someone you love? Not really going through with it but have you just sat there looking, thinking how you could just wrap your hands around their neck and just keep squeezing until they stop moving? Yeah me neither. Naturally this turned to talk about dick and load pics and how most chicks don’t like it but every dude likes titty and cookie pics, as long as you don’t feel like a gynecologist looking at them. And all of this naturally morphed into a conversation about relationships and Mike delivered some Hollywood insider news, they all fuck each other, and if they don’t they should. They talked and talked and talked with conversation weaving in and out like a knitters needles working a loom of vaginal wool.

Bobby Lee has started a new YouTube series called Bobby Lee Gets Shocked. But nobody cares. Mexico news, thieves stole radioactive cobalt-60 and probably died. Update boo bee boop be boop deedle dee deet dee dee deedle deet, eight Mexican dudes got picked up at a strip mall hospital that were suffering from radiation poisoning and the Federales took them away. Authorities are pretty sure there is a link. Drugs, drugs are dumb. But god damn if they aren’t fun. But be careful, sometimes the fun doesn’t stop and next thing you know you’re giving blowjobs for crack. It’s all about self control people. An official informant on radiation poisoning called and educated all of us on what happens when exposed to radiation like our Messican buddies from a minute ago, depending on how fast you read. Basically you turn into a pile of goo and get sent to Tattooine where you will become a crime ring king pin and smuggling crime lord in the Outer Rim Territories. Here’s the Chernobyl video the guys watched.

Ellis’s book, The Awesome Guide to Life, is available February 18th, but I don’t know if the foot nose rabbit story will be in there so if you didn’t hear it then you’re shit out of luck. In Final Calls we learned that you shouldn’t get married if you’re not ready, cell phones don’t really give you brain cancer but cell phone companies are trying to get phones away from you’re head just because, and Adam and Dan might be able to recap the show but not at the same time because Adam is calling in from an octopuses vagina commonly referred to as yer mum, OH!