Holy freaking shit. The amount of bad that I need a new laptop is actually sad. How sad? So sad that I am currently writing this in a normal word document that I shall be copy and pasting into the little wordy type box for the site because this beast piece of shit (that I desperately love so pleasepleaseplease don’t actually die on me laptop) is dying so hardcore that I can’t type in real time into the little wordy box unless I type at a rate of one letter per minute and that shit is not happening. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Nothing gets me less pumped to write than technical difficulties.

Get pumped, Jenni, get pumped. This is your first recap in basically forever (if you’re going in internet time) and that means that it’s time to get pumped because your public wants you!!!! Goddddd that sounds so self-centered. My public? Bitch, am I serious here? Probably not. But that made me laugh a little bit, so I’m getting the pump on. Haha. Getting my pump on. That would be so way funnier if I were a dude. Maybe you can imagine me sitting here writing this topless and typing with one hand while the other is pumping away Handy-J style on Hubbs. Is that a bad image? I don’t think it’s a bad image. But…I am in love with him. Although…It is kind of sucky because a one hand Handy-J is pretty half assed. Shame on me. No half-assing Handy-J’s is allowed, especially since they are the most innately half-assed of all the non-intercourse sex acts. And don’t anyone come in and say that foot jobs are more half assed, because I don’t know if you’ve ever been the one giving the foot job, but in case you haven’t, a foot job, even a bad one, takes a lot of skill and concentration, so shut the fuck up.

Anywhoooooooo, now that that is all sorts of out of being in the way now, it’s time for your favorite XX-chromosomed recapper of The Jason Ellis Show to get down to some sort of non-sex related work here. Woooooooo!!!! Ellis opens up the show with a whopper of a doozy because hey, he’s Jason Ellis, and he likes eating cakes. He had two flan’s before bed the other night, so fuck you, because previously he didn’t even know what the fuck flan was (and for the record I don’t know what the hell that shit is either, so whatever) and yeah, fuck you if you don’t like it. Ellis has been losing weight steadily since being back from Thailand partly because of that whole thing where his heart is half exploding and he hasn’t had much of an appetite. His appetite is back now and he’s been eating more, but he is still losing weight, probably because his metabolism is a beast and doesn’t care that he has been eating two dinners lately. Why has he been eating two dinners lately? Well, because Katie has been working and she doesn’t get home until late so Ellis eats the dinner that he makes for the kiddies with the kiddies, and then when Katie gets home he eats dinner again with her, and then he eats the dessert that she brings him because she is adorable and loves him and knows that he has a sweet tooth. As you are probably aware, Ellis wasn’t on the air yesterday (and stop fucking bitching about it, you assholes, he’s trying to avoid dying so that he can continue to be on the air for many many yearas to come) and the reason was that he had to go to the cardiologist to get some pre-surgery stuff done. His doctor told him that after the surgery there was an 85% chance that he would be completely cured and wouldn’t have to worry about his heart bouncing off the walls of his chest cavity any more and things would be great and he could continue living his life the way he has become accustomed to. There is a teeny tiny chance that he could die during the surgery…but doctors basically have to tell you that no matter what they are doing to you, because that way, if you do die, they can’t be sued for wrongful death and their malpractice insurance doesn’t sky rocket, cause that shit is expensive.

Ellis mentions that Electric Visual talked to him about a campaign they’re thinking about doing which is to be based around photographs of 7 Things That You Can’t Live Without and they wanted Ellis to take a picture of 7 things that he can’t live without. Ellis did, and then took it a step further and had everyone else from the show take pictures also. Tully talked a little bit about his approach to the photograph saying that he went into it thinking that obviously he couldn’t include his wife and kid because that’s a given/cop-out because duh, of course he can’t live without them, and also he didn’t want to include a bottle of water because everyone knows that you can’t survive without a bottle of water, or oxygen, and all that good necessary shit. So basically, they are pictures of things that each of them could live without but that they don’t want to live without because living without those things would make them sad.

They don’t get to discussing what they (Ellis, Tully, Will, Jetta, and Kevin- for the record are the ones who are the ‘they’) had in their pictures until a bit later on in the show and instead this spins into a big discussion on living with things and without things and what is happiness and how people need to be happy that they are alive, and hey-days and things like that. Ellis says that people need to be glad that they are alive, especially young people, because one day you could be walking around and be like the guy that he saw at the doctor who was super old walking with a cane in a full back brace who was sooooooo old that his face was falling off to the point where his bottom eyelid was trying to touch the floor. And…damn…be glad that the days you are in now are the days that in the future you will look back on and say, “Well, those were the days.” Ellis talks about how he was watching a video of himself skateboarding back when he had hair and how whatever he had done was super awesome and it was probably the best skateboarding day of his life and that was his hey-day. He currently thinks that his hey-days are the days of Ellismania, although not the last drama-filled one, and how he loved the first successful one that was at the Hard Rock in Vegas. Tony Hawk was there and up somewhere watching from a Hawk-like position and Ellis recalled that he was hosting and talking and everyone there was so happy and excited and exploding and he said something along the lines of “[to Tony Hawk] Did you ever think when I came to be on your show that it would turn into this?” Just let that sink in for a minute because that, right there, really resonated with me. Tony Hawk got Ellis a job about a decade ago and this is where he is now. Think of the possibility that you are still afforded in your life…think of what you are doing today and where it could lead in ten years. Personally…it made me really want to get my ass back in gear cause I’m 27 and when I’m 37…if my life could be half as charmed as Big Daddy J…I would be a happy bitch indeed. Tully talked about how when he and his family were moving from their apartment recently to the house where they are currently living he had a moment where it occurred to him to ask himself, ‘Are these ‘the days’ that we are leaving behind now?’ And it’s the kind of thing where, of course there are going to be more good times and more ‘days’ to be remembered…but sometimes you have to sit and wonder when you are happy, if this is going to be the happiest that you are ever going to be in life, and if it is, whether you should be doing anything different to keep these happy times going for as long as they can be.

This continues on for a good bit and somehow rolls into a talk on religion and I don’t really feel like talking that much about religion, but Ellis talked about how he posted a Meme to his instagram which featured Odin (who Ellis has decided is his deity, a nice warrior god) and some Christians got all butt-hurt about it. I hate to break it to Ellis, but people who are really into their religion tend to get butt-hurt about anything that says anything negative about their religion, whether it’s part of a joke or not. It’s their God/belief system/way of life…something that they hold close to their chest at the worst times in their life and depend on to keep going on very bad days…yeah, people are going to get butt hurt. And yeah, they should try and be rational and see that it’s a joke, but religion and rationality don’t really get along too well. Tully makes a comment about how it makes sense to him that Ellis would choose to worship Odin, and that he thinks that there are many faces of religion but underneath they are all the same and everyone is striving for the same thing, so people need to get over it a bit, because everyone is trying to get to the good place and not go to the bad place of fire and brimstone. Tully also makes a comment about how atheists don’t think that there is a meaning to life, which I disagree with…I’m an atheist- I don’t believe in a god or supreme being of any kind, but I do think that life has meaning and there is a meaning to life, it just generally is not an overarching meaning that applies to everybody. I think everybody needs to find meaning in their own life, everybody needs to have their purpose, otherwise there is no life there is just existence. Blahblahblah…I’m getting off recap topic, I’ll shut up…anyone wanting to jibber jabber with me about life and philosophy, my handle is jennimazky on everything because shit is simpler that way.

You know what’s a religion? Judaism. And I don’t quite think that was the segue used to get on to the topic of World War II and Hitler and his evil little mustachioed self, but that’s the one I’m going to use and you’re powerless to complain about it to someone who cares, because I sure don’t care about your complaint. Listen to the show on Thursdays if this bothers you. God…that was bitter. But, whatever, Hitler makes me cranky. To be fair, I know that Hitler was brought up by Ellis because he was watching some sort of documentary last night and there was a bit about how Hitler and some guy with the actual last name Porsche made the Volkswagon together. But, that’s not really enough of a reason for Ellis to give up his Porsche. Hitler was bad, guys, he did bad things to lots of people and if he was alive today his twitter would be full of things hashtagged #sorrynotsorry because motherfucker was not sorry about any of it. Except maybe for the bit where America got involved and stomped on his ass.

After the first break it’s time for shark news…but first Ellis talked about his heart some more and the upcoming surgery on the 20^th and how he can’t have caffeine so he wants some Chamomile tea. Tully is taken aback about Ellis’ desire for the tea drink, and Ellis says he wants a hot drink but can’t have caffeine and he knows that kind of tea has no caffeine in it. Tully suggested a cup of decaf, but Ellis said that there was still caffeine in it and eventually the discussion wraps up in Tully suggesting that of course he should consult his doctor before drinking a cup of decaf if there is still the chance that there is caffeine in it. Which there is a minimal amount of caffeine. I just read an article about it. To the shark news bit, a man in New Zealand was long distance swimming to raise money to save the dolphins when a great white shark swam up under him and then he was saved by a pod of dolphins. It’s easily google-able and no, I can’t include the link, because my laptop is a shitstorm of shit and can’t do anything right now. I apologize, and I mean it, I had all sorts of plans for this post before my laptop decided to have issues.

This is also where they got to the photos of everyone’s ‘7 things’ which you can look at on Ellis’ facebook page (Facebook.com/ellismania) and they made fun of Kevin a lot for the really geeky, nerdy things that were included in him, including a 10,000 dollar Walking Dead comic book. I wish I had a $10,000 comic book. Like…really really bad. I could definitely then buy a new laptop. And get my car fixed. Did I mention that I also need to get my car fixed? For like…three months now. But…whatever…at least I don’t need my car to write this. They were in the middle of talking about everyone’s 7 Things pictures when Tom Green arrived at the studio. They then talked with Tom Green for like two and a half hours. Seriously. I actually had to brain check myself because I kept waiting for there to be a break and then my app hadn’t really fucked up until maybe the last five or so minutes of Tom Green being on and I was like, did it fuck up and skip ahead and miss a break and I didn’t even realize? But no..because at no point have they been talking and then were all of a sudden talking about something else and didn’t make sense. So no…there was no fuck up…it was just a super duper long segment.

I really suck at recapping interviews. Tom Green was on the show for two and a half hours and they talked about a shit ton of stuff. They talked about Ellis being on the Tom Green show and really liking the Skype thing that they did on Tom Green Live, so he pseudo-stole it (pseudo-stole is where you take something but you give props to the people who thought of it first) and they have been doing it on the show with some decent success. They talked about who Tom Green has had and would have sex with, except not really, because Tom Green tries to keep his personal life personal, which is so boring of him no matter how good of an idea it actually is, and oh, Tom Green was repping Red Dragons hard with stuff that they sent him for free, which is awesome. They talked about skateboarding, performance anxiety and how it stresses them both out and Tom Green now goes to the gym to try and help deal with it. Tom took a decent amount of calls and answered questions about Freddy Got Fingered, and he told a few good stories, including one which culminated in him possibly getting banned from the entire state of Nebraska. I mean, it’s Nebraska, so it’s kind of who cares (according to this bitch who lives in New York and really doesn’t know where Nebraska is on a map because she’s real bad at the geography of the United States, but killer on geography everywhere else- go figure). I’d definitely recommend catching the replay or downloading the on demans episode of today’s show, because like I said, I suck at recapping interviews. Especially when they are long. If it were short and had a beginning, middle, and end it would be easier, but they just kind of shot the shit for a couple of hours and…I don’t know…maybe I just don’t like Tom Green that much. I mean, I like him, but, maybe only like half an hour at a time. He punched the punch pad even though he thought he was going to break his hand. He got a 39, which isn’t absolutely terrible, but isn’t that great either.

This is where my app fucked up, but, like I said, I think I only missed like the last five minutes of Tom Green being there, and when I got back they were coming back from a break and talking about John Jones who apparently said something fucked up on instagram and is trying to say that his account was hacked and that the only thing the hacker did was say that one thing before the hack was done and John Jones was back in control. Ellis called bullshit and told him to take responsibility for his actions. They talked a little bit about Ellis’ appearance on Live on Call with Dr. Drew from Tuesday, where, if you listened to Tuesday’s show you know the topics that Ellis was there to talk about. He said that throughout his time there Dr. Drew took his pulse three times, which is something that I suppose is something your close doctor friend would do after you were just in hospital, but there was some speculation from Tully that Dr. Drew just wanted to fondle Ellis and take their bromance to another level. Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnddddd…..thata’s about all that you are getting from me tonight because my kid wants me to cuddle him before bed and….I love him…..and….of course final callers were useless!!!!!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today:

It’s good to be alive

Being adrift at 20 is acceptable, being adrift at 40 is scary as shit

Adam Corolla is King of The Valley, because he IS The Valley

It’s hard for barbarians to appreciate the lives of little people aka kids

If you find a way to make religion make sense to you, then just go for it

Herpes shouldn’t be a deal breaker

Tully and Ellis would probably have survived if Hitler was around, but it would suck without Pinik and Lenny Kravitz

Jesse Owens won the Olympics during WWII and then had to come back to America, sit in the back of the bus, and drink from a different water fountain (and that is fucked up and why I’m so glad to be around now)

Kevin can’t live without his Ninja Turtles Cartoon Box Set

Ellis can’t live without his meds

Tully can’t live without Selzer

Jetta can’t live without Nike and baby wipes

Will can’t live without Mountain Dew

Jetta throws his used baby wipes in the trash instead of flushing them

Tom Green loves Mexican food and Mexican women

The Voice would be a way more interesting show if Adam Levine still had acne

Ellis and Tom Green need to go skateboarding together

Ellis plans on skateboarding more after his surgery

It is inconsistent to sell bongs

Ellis can put out the call to any town or city in America and get callers…boom

A magician would be cooler if he wore normal asshole clothes

Ellis fixed his first automobile ever the other night- A Krazy Kart, but he couldn’t get a transformer toy to transform into a truck