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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 8/5/14

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WELCOME BACK FOLKS!!! IT’S THE SHIT SHOW THAT KEEPS ON FUCKING HERE IN MY OFFICE TODAY!!! Everything from a comeback on a major engine job, to another engine job that the customer is on the fence about, to a 93 year old man who decided to tow his old Peugeot in to have us see why smoke is pouring out of it. A Peugeot for fuck’s sake! It’s like the French Ford Pinto!!! But I digress, cause these things are all really inconsequential to the fact that it’s almost lunch time and time for me to get some Aussie in my afternoon with the Jason Ellis show. Today’s show got underway with a reminder to stay focused and learn a little Spanish cause it could come in handy some day. The crocodile hunter wears a swamp camo wetsuit, not sure it really has anything to do with anything, but he did. He could surf too, with jungle boots on. He may be interesting, but probably not that cool to hang out with except in small doses. Jude stepped in for a bit to talk with the guys about democracy and capitalism and I should just keep my mouth shut about both of those cause this could quickly turn from a recap into a manifesto. Tully’s main point on it had to do with how many TV stations we have in America cause of a massive “free market” of avenues by which a company can sling bullshit at the public, and in other countries they try to put a bit of a cap on that sort of behavior. But hey, as long as you keep consuming, they’ll keep cranking out iJesse or whatever fucktard spray the TV feels like producing all over your face at any given time. Jason noticed, along with Jude, that Mexican immigrants are probably the number one consumers of public parks, due to having large families and a knack for grilling anywhere they might be allowed. Tully hates the beach cause he’s Irish and there’s too many god damn people in LA and definitely too many at the fucking beach cause mother fuckers act like it’s the only place where water has ever met dirt. Jude is kind of on the same team as Tully, and it goes double for boats cause the sun reflecting off the water would basically turn him into lobster tortellini in a matter of hours. When Jason went to Panama last year, he got hooked up on a boat tour by some dude who lives “off the coast” (translation: outside your jurisdiction) and does lots of meth and tries to give pills and gourmet lunches to the tourists that employ him. Unfortunately, their chef is a fat sweaty Mexican cokehead who can’t manage a simple ceviche. It just reminded Jason of Jeremiah Johnson and living in the middle of nowhere and right when Jude mentioned his mom’s cabin, Jason remembered a dream e had about shooting endless ropes of jizm.This of course got the guys talking about wet dreams. One time, Jude was sleeping at someone else’s house and the bed they put him in belonged to a 4 year old girl and in the worst possible coincidence, he shot a load in his sleep. The guys talked some more about capitalism and how it only works if you get the fuck off your ass and go drop a deuce in Alaska so you can game the system for a lifetime pension for owning property there. Jason and Jude talked a bit more about moving to the wilderness and Tully shat on it like he was trying to get a lifetime pension for owning property there. There was more talk of the beach cause the guys just couldn’t leave well enough alone with Tully and he doesn’t feel like cleansing his soul in raw sewage in the most polluted unnatural bodies of water on the west coast. Tully does seem to feed his personal hatred of humanity by watching the people at the beach, so hopefully having a child who demands beach vibes can keep him in his wonderful state of personality for years to come. Hot Dog peeked in to back Tully on his opinion that skin cancer and biohazardous ocean water is nowhere near as good as a kiddie pool full of margaritas with a TV nearby, and no one’s invited unless you invite them so if you feel like being naked, you don’t need to worry about David Hasselhoff telling you to cover your giblets. Sure, maybe you can’t surf in it, but you can drown out the incessant voices of rage that keep telling you to tear someone’s spine out and sodomize their children with it, like you get at the beach around spring break time. Jason is such a surfer that he could never imagine seeing a family at the beach only because the kid wanted to go and the parents are wishing that driving drunk wasn’t a bad idea so they could have brought a bigger handle of Seagram’s 7 with them. Tully delved into his home life and the fact that him and his wife probably own too much stuff that’s gray, gray furniture, gray clothes, gray cars, half-asian baby named gray, and all of that is probably why he hates sunshine and interacting with other members of the species. Jude likes having a lot of orange accents in his house and Tully is disgusted by it. Jason recapped his experience to Jude about getting waxed in studio yesterday and it sounds like everything is baby smooth and slightly swollen but otherwise perfectly happy with the results. The guys discussed who in the studio had the dirtiest asshole and the obvious answer was WILSON cause he’s just the kind of guy to shower with his pants on and not take off his t-shirt when he goes for a fap session. Will tried to deny it without giving any more in depth information, so it kind of confirms all our suspicions that the Hate Bean persona is not just an on-air character. The guys talked hip-hop for a bit and Jude reminded us all that he actually hates most of what it’s turned into these days, which I can’t really argue with cause autotune, Lil’ Wayne, MCA died, Flavor Of Love, MC Hammer’s reality show, et cetera. Jude sampled a few things for the guys and they seemed to like it for the most part, so it might not be all bad but I haven’t kept enough track of it all to know too much about it. The guys played a sample of a Die Antword song with some guy talking about aggressive man fucking and Jude seemed to appreciate it, even though I wish they would just stay in South Africa. There were some phone calls and stuff and the guys sampled some more songs that might be going into rotation on the show, like Cher’s “Believe”, which is sadly a modern classic and also the inspiration for every asshole that decided to use autotune. Jude stepped out to go do his show and the guys decided to play each other samples of the riffs they’ve cooked up for Horse Force which should sound surprisingly similar to Black Sabbath. Tully’s wouldn’t play from his iPhone for some reason, so they took a break to regroup and smash Steve Job’s crowning achievement of a mobile device in protest.

 

So, with all the talk of music, the guys put out a call to the fans for stuff they might want to play on the show or possible influences for Horse Force songs. Tully’s phone finally decided to play the riff he worked on and it is definitely a Sabbath riff for all intents and purposes. Remember that dildo that ICP gave to Kid Rock that he needed to give back to the court as part of a sexual harassment lawsuit? Well, he basically wrote back to the law firm that subpoenaed it that he doesn’t have it and you can go fuck yourselves, and while you’re at it, all your lawyer friends can fuck you too, and when you’re done with that, get fucked again, and then a little bit longer, and when THAT’S all over with, use the ocean of jizm from that endless fuck session as lube to slide yourselves into a missile casing and let the military fire you at Afghanistan or whatever other brown country we feel like subjugating this week. Cumtard saw the new “Gaurdians Of The Galaxy” movie this weekend, and the guys thought this would be a perfect opportunity to get another shocking movie review from him, this time with helium! After compiling the list of hot words, Cumtard told us all about the movie while being summarily tortured in a fashion only the Tard could abide by. Now, if you like hearing Kevin’s suffering, I must tell you that it really is better with a helium voice and the stipulation that he will be electrocuted for dancing or saying “please”. It surely loses some effect when you’re not watching it, but if you’ve seen Cumtard get electrocuted in person as I have, and you have an active imagination, it’s pretty easy to paint yourself a hilarious mental picture of just what’s going on when this happens. The sounds coming out of his mouth when he’s all heliumed up and being shocked are pretty fantastic, and while I can’t verify that there was dancing, I take it on good authority that he was cause they shocked him for it. Say, have you ever wondered about the bizarre genitalia of the animal kingdom? Cause the Jason Ellis show is here to educate you about it. The guys explored the many insane and religion-debunking marvels of animal fun bits, like the echidna, an Australian anteater type animal with a four headed cock! Or sharks and stingrays, who have barbs on their dicks, combining fucking and spear fishing like no other species on earth could. But wait, it gets worse, cause shark vaginas are a multipurpose organ containing all bits required for gestating eggs, urination and defecating! Flatworms have both male and female parts, but they will fight to the death to try and be the one to impregnate the other one first!!! Barnacles have the biggest cocks in all of the animal kingdom, a cock forty times their own length, like some sort of long rage semen harpoon. Octopi have detachable penises, CUE KING MISSILE! GOD DAMN I NEED TO RESTRING MY GUITAR, I EVEN HAVE AN ECHO PEDAL SO I CAN COVER THAT SONG PERFECTLY!!! There are insects which are known to have sex for 40 to 70 hours at a time and at some point their bodies will actually swap genitals cause the Christian god is a lie and our true lord and master is the great Satan!!! Enough about animal cocks though, cause over in New Jersey, an egg nog factory fucking exploded cause egg nog is apparently just too awesome to be contained in New Jersey. The guys talked for a bit about new offensive props to keep around the office (remember that giant black cock the size of a half gallon liquor bottle they used to have? I seent it, it was offensive. And hilarious) and they decided a huge rubber fist was probably a good contender. Since Cumtard is the guy most likely to bear the brunt of this object, the guys asked what he would most like to get hit by and a massive dick was exactly what he was hoping for, so that’s settled. The guys decided to take a break for Hot Dog to go get the massive cock and to get some phone callers lined up for a segment next up about the things you might not want the public to know about the place you work.

 

So, if you haven’t noticed lately, the show is very interested in the twitter accounts of Jaden and Willow Smith cause the shit they think up is just adorably terrifying, like a Hitler press conference about unicorns. After reading the insane ramblings of the Smith children, they decided to take a quick look at Willow Smith’s music video cause apparently there’s some lines in it about how she is the messiah or some such shit, cause people seem to have lost their appreciation for a good old fashioned assassination which I wouldn’t necessarily wish upon a teenager, but there’s some grown ups who cosign this kind of shit that should certainly get the fear of Satan put in them. They read some more of her Scientology inspired bullshit and those of us who don’t need anti-psychotics all had a good laugh. At this point, I feel like the Fresh Prince needs to exercise his pimp hand or something, cause this just doesn’t seem like the kind of thing he might let fly. Where’s that kid from West Philly, yo? Break a mothafucka off something, god damn. But hey, nobody’s dunking their kid head first in a bucket of paint thinner, so who am I to judge? The guys talked for a while about how Jada Pinkett-Smith is probably some sort of succubus or undercover assassin or something like that, cause it just seems like she would be the least expected person to tackle you and rip your larynx out. The boys turned to the phones to ask the listeners what it might be that the management doesn’t want the public to know about their company. The first caller used to go pick up hookers to deliver for the oil field workers and the workers would in turn pass the cost along to the higher ups at the oil company by using a hot shot driver for a quick delivery. Next guy said that at another oil field, the guys used to bury evidence before environmental and safety inspectors would show up for normal inspections (tell me again how big oil isn’t all kinds of crooked?). Next guy was a fuel delivery driver and would KNOWINGLY MIX THE HIGH GRADE AND MID GRADE FUELS TO MAKE THE MID GRADE STUFF!!! But more importantly, sometimes one of the tanks would be full and they just put premium in all three. Luckily for you, the consumer, pretty much every  gas station is a complete shit show, so chances are it doesn’t really matter much what you fill your tank with cause you’re likely not being charged the correct amount and that’s gotta pay off in your favor eventually! Next caller used to work for a car stereo place and at the particular shop he worked at, they would upsell all the top of the line equipment but install remanufactured units, which reminds me that assholes like this make every price shopping phone call I get a legitimate fit of paranoia about the industry I work in, cause some people are incompetent schyster assholes. Tully worked at a pretty high end restaurant, and as we all know, you don’t fuck with people that prepare your food, and that’s all I have to say about that. Next guy that called in worked on the upper level of the glass cieling of the oil industry and according to him, those mother fuckers are straight up scum, like this one time when a well exploded and the execs didn’t do shit but try to get one of the lower management folks to calculate up the bottom line for them (TELL ME AGAIN HOW BIG OIL ISN’T CROOKED AS FUCK!?!?!?!?!) Next caller worked at a tax prep agency and a lot of guys used to come in wasted and filthy and pissing themselves and basically, as long as nobody complained to the manager, nobody got fired. After that we heard from a guy who worked at a pizza shop and whenever they got an asshole customer they added extra oil to the dough to guarantee that the end user would have diarrhea. The guys talked for a while about how Jude Law is definitely going bald but he pulls it off really well and this got Ellis back to thinking about getting a wig so he can pretend to be John Travolta for a couple years just to fuck with everybody. Back to callers, next guy called to tell the guys about how he’s working underage and illegally for a fracking site and all the vehicles are unsafe to be on the road and he’s the one certifying them even though he isn’t old enough to get a license to drive, oh, and he’s handling hazardous materials all day too, cause big oil ain’t crooked as a tweaker’s cock or anything like that. Next caller worked at a car dealership where he got tapped by one of the service writers (my job) but had to reconsider because as part of the interview they asked him if he was comfortable intentionally lying to the customers to upsell shit that didn’t need to be done. On a personal note, I quit working at dealers after eight years, cause I like sleeping at night without being woken up by the night terrors of some old lady going homeless after paying $1100 in fluids that didn’t need to be done. Shout out to San Leandro Nissan Hyundai Kia, my last employer, I actually witnessed that on multiple occasions. There were more tales like this, leaking oil trucks that don’t get repaired, burying fracking chemicals, one guy called to say that at a cell phone repair shop he worked at, the technicians would routinely browse through any recovered data to see if there were nudes of the hot ladies that bring their phones in, but he got his one day when he found pictures of a girl getting HUMAN FECES rubbed all over her by her boyfriend like he was trying to get a lifetime pension for owning property there. They also found some home made clown porn too, so it’s not all terrifying? Tully has noticed a whistling noise coming from his toilet but hasn’t wanted to bother the landlords because they’re really polite old people so he decided to set an Onnit kettlebell on top of the float valve cause that stops the noise for some reason. On that note, let’s ponder the weird noises in our homes that could be fixed by setting something heavy on them.

 

MMA NEWS YA FUCKS! Remember that brawl between John Jones and Daniel Cormier that broke out at the weigh ins? Well, the state of Nevada and the UFC aare looking into how they’re gonna penalize the two guys for acting so unprofessionally. Also, remember last week when that one guy who was gonna make a comeback ended up shooting himself? Well, there’s pics of the injury floating around the internet, and from what I’m told, it looks like a self inflicted gunshot wound. Jason was talking to Jeremy McGrath on instagram lately and is thinking of how to get a Polaris for some short course dirt track racing while combining the WolfKnife clothing line and EllisMania, cause he sure as fuck ain’t winning on speed and skill alone, so there’s gotta be some really eye-catching shit at the merch tent. The guys kicked off a round of Ellis Jeopardy with contestants Tully, Cumtard and Hot Dog. As is usually the case with Ellis Jeopardy, the clues would require a deep, intimate, almost intra-colonic relationship with Jason Ellis, the kind only his long time co-host might have, but were hilarious as always. Before all that though, we got a recap of Sharknado 2 and if I still did drugs, I gotta believe that shit would be on repeat on my DVD player 24 hours a day cause it sounds like the greatest compilation of stupid bullshit that has ever been burned onto celluloid. In an interesting turn of questions about Sharknado 2, we came to learn that Cumtard spent a bit of time in college smoking crack. He once smoked so much crack, he paralyzed his hands and set off the dorm building fire alarms. Amazing the things we learn talking about Rob Ford and a tropical storm made of giant predatory fish, isn’t it? So, Ellis Jeopardy, a laugh riot as usual and in a surprise upset, the winner was Cumtard! the guys took a quick break and came back with some final calls on things and stuf, where stuff and things were explained and mused about with Jason and Tully. And before you forget, if you want to suggest some music for the guys to maybe put in rotation or possible influences for Horse Force, DON’T FUCKING TWEET IT CAUSE IT’S JUST TOO GOD DAMN HARD TO KEEP TRACK OF but you can email your suggestions to submittoellis@gmail.com. There was talk of pirate radio (the movie and the geurilla media trend of the 1970’s), and Steve Coogan (who was awesome in another movie called 24 Hour Party People about the birth of club music and the rise and fall of the band New Order), exercising, testosterone replacement therapy, and some other shit that I was only half paying attention too, but is valid and deserves our attention because we’re all Satan’s children and he loves us equally.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Jetta: Lounge Singer Extraordinaire

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Classic rock enthusiast, Jetta, helped bring today’s show to an excellent end with his beautiful karaoke skills featuring many iconic songs from our past. I’ve heard he’s available for weddings, bahmitzvahs, parties, and more. Call him now, ladies & gentleman, because this man’s schedule is booking up fast!

Purple Haze
Audio Player
1. Purple Haze
1:02
2. Enter Sandman
1:48
3. Light My Fire
0:30
4. Hotel California
0:48
5. Piano Man
2:10
6. Free Bird
3:17
7. We Will Rock You
1:14
8. Kickstart My Heart
2:37
9. Candle In The Wind
2:40
10. Black Dog
2:31
11. Sweet Home Alabama
1:09
12. NIB
1:50
13. Something
1:30
14. Back In Black
1:29
15. Jump
0:46
16. Stairway To Heaven
3:46
17. Wish You Were Here
1:28
18. Start Me Up
0:19
jetta-lounge-singer-extraordinaire

Is that Freedom Rock? Well turn it up!

Show Recap for Friday 8/1/2014

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We started the show off on a rather odd foot. Ellis seemed a bit down and not in the right frame of mind. But Jude was with him. Why you ask? Well because he was being all dave-chappelle-white-faceprofessional and shit by preparing questions for a new game that he’s hosting. What game? Why it’s the Whitest Guy On The Show game! After listening to Ellis talk about the surf movie party where he talked to three guys from way back the entire time, the game finally started. After answering a series of questions like “Have you ever gone to camp?” “Do you use a washcloth?” “How were you disciplined as a child?” and “Do you own a tent?” We found out that the whitest guy in the studio is Kevin after telling a story about fondling another boys willy at summer camp. The others followed with Jetta, Ellis, Tully, and Will and Hotdog tied for the least whitest.

There’s a Berlin hotel that has windows in the bathroom because windows are fancy in Berlin I guess. But they “accidentally” installed them where people can see guests making doodie. This really isn’t helping the whole Germany shit fetish stereotypes. Ellis and Tully talked about weekend plans. Ellis has the kids for a little bit but then they’re bouncing to article-berlin1-0731Catalinawith their mom, Mike Super Dad Tully is rolling solo with Linsanity with a weekend full of cars, playgrounds, snacks, and other shit little kids find awesome. Tully heard that they chum the waters off Catalina Island to keep sharks from the main beaches and this got Ellis talking about sharks. He talked about if sharks do or don’t like the taste of people, and a whole bunch of other false information that just irritates me. I would tell him to go read a few books before spouting off about shit he knows nothing about but let’s not forget who we’re allying about here. And for the record, no sharks do not prefer the taste of people, unfortunately the only way to find out is to taste us, and that hurts. At this point Ellis was getting his panties in a bunch and didn’t want to be on the show so they kinda played the Guess The Lyrics game, but shortly into it he decided to put on an old moto race from March. After the incredibly riveting radio they played more of the lyrics game.

After the break they watched more moto, talked about short attention spans or some shit, and a listener named Michael sent an email of why you shouldn’t be a Highlander. Basically when the earth blows up you will be radiated to death over and over for eternity. What’s will doing this weekend, he will be moisturizing. And maybe killing people. After interrogating Will, Jetta acted like a lady on the voice alteacation machine while Hotdog seduced her. They pretty much just talked about horse cocks and shit play. I’d write more about this segment but with the current state of enthusiasm in the studio I could give a shit on this end too. But wait there’s more!gogif12

The final hour of the show was a fucking masterpiece! Jetta doesn’t know shit about classic rock so what would be better than classic rock karaoke featuring rock superstar Jetta! For the first few songs he got a lyric sheet and just had to manage to sing the song right but after nailing a few he had to make up own lyrics, and this is where the magic began. My personal favorite was his rendition of Kick Start My Heart. Thankfully the Tupac Cobra of NYA, bitPimps, recorded them all for your listening pleasure. Trust me, listen to them all and I guarantee yer mum won’t be the only one throwing her skid marked undies at the radio, OH!jetta_crue

Here comes somethin comin down the street with a lightnin boldt over my shoulder

Drivin my car drivin real fast and I’m gonn break the law

Tryin to buy coke on the street but I can’t find a person to sell it to me

Do I look shady do I look like a cop don’t mind the moust-ah-asche

I’m lookin for drugs can anyone help me oh yeah

Lookin for drugs

someone help me out I’m lookin for drugs

I want to get high right now someone please help me

I’m really low and I’m really depressed so

Maybe get drugs and high as somethin

Sittin back home still not high-igh

My old lady don’t want to give me the pie-eye

you know what I mean by that she wouldn’t let me in crack

All I want to do is get (????????) but I’m sleepin on the couch

the couch, the couch, yeah

 

jetta-acdc

 

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/29/14

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So, Sunday night I went out to a show and got a burrito before it started and for the last three days I’ve been feeling like it’s gonna pass through me like a log flume the second I try to let out a fart. It’s almost getting painful. Like Jesus having explosive diarrhea on Adolf Hitler’s face painful. But that’s not important right now, cause I’m about to go get some Indian food and hunker down at my desk to write this Jason Ellis show recap for you! Today got rolling with Jason talking about being smooth and well lubricated,cause apparently machinery has a lot of similarities to gay erotica. The real point of the whole rant was that you’ve gotta stay moisturized so the man can’t get his mitts on you and fuck up your shit, or it’s better to stay lubed cause if someone’s gonna be fucking someone where they shit, one of the worst possible outcomes is anal tearing. Jude was in studio to cosign that, and ask what the hell Ellis is talking about with his new homemade coffee/coconut body wash. Apparently Katie’s friend makes it just for herself but decided to pass a bottle along to Ellis and company and he’s fallen in love with it like Michelle Bachmann’s husband loves cock. Jude talked about once when he got a Brazilian and the butthole was the least painful part of it, but the pain around the scrotum was worth it, cause the ladies love sucking a fresh clean dick. The guys talked a while about injuries and paramedics, and I guess in Australia, when you get picked up by an ambulance, they give you a heroin inhaler so you’ll stop being such a sick cunt and be a little more pliable. Sometime over the weekend which I must have missed, Ellis decided to give his phone number out to a bunch of fans and then laid drunk in a hammock taking phone calls from random folks just for the entertainment value of it. Tully lost a foot race to Tiger Ellis over the weekend, and totally by accident because Tully just went to take the baby for a walk so he wouldn’t shit in the house, and lo and behold the Ellis troupe were at the same park that Michael ended up at. The guys talked for a while about YouTube videos about babies getting shit whipped and walking away from it with no injuries. Jude had that happening in his neighborhood when he was growing up, pre-YouTube, where there was a white trash kid who was still in pampers but would jump off the roof of a moving car or get tossed off the back of his brother’s BMX just cause and not one god damn time did he ever land it but nobody got taken to the hospital. Jude floated the idea to Ellis to get Al Sharpton in studio while getting his balls and asshole waxed, but since he’s kinda hard to schedule for things like that, Jason decided porn stars may be easier to make happen. They also thought about doing cock-waxing-karaoke, which could be entertaining but remains to be seen until they actually pull the trigger and do it. Finally, the guys settled on the idea of reading Jayden Smith tweets with that one evil meowing Cumtard bed playing in the background and getting one’s dick waxed all together would be the most entertaining combination. The guys took a few calls on side jobs to pull while you’re getting aggressively manscaped, but none of them were too noteworthy. Tully has been working his way through all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old movies and somehow happened to stumble upon a workout album he did back in 1983, and there were a couple of sound bites that really sounded like the opening to gay porn, especially when Arnold is explaining proper workout technique with “It’s Raining Men” playing in the background. Coming back to the topic of pubes, somebody (who was actually me) sent Tully an article which posed the question, is it OK to use one of those communal hot air dryers at the gym to blow dry your pubes? Generally, the guys said it isn’t that big a deal, it just depends how much sexual gratification you’re achieving from the act, and how blatantly you’re advertising what you’re doing. The guys talked for a while about motion lotion and how the silicon stuff is great for straight jacking off, but it can dissolve certain kinds of sex toys, and how the THC lube is about as pointless as trying to use it for it’s intended purpose on Margaret Thatcher. If you haven’t got the news yet, presales for Jude’s book Hyean (the new and improved version, with more stories and nearly limitless production) are available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, SO FUCKING GET ONE!!! Jude and Ellis were also discussing show ideas for the hypothetical future Jason Ellis channel and Jude wants to incorporate the best parts of the Foreally Show episodes when Shoebox stops by for a regular gig. Jude had to go do his regular-not-sure-if-it’s-permanent-job and Jason needed a riff to compel him, so we got some Dyer’s Eve and I’m gonna need a few minutes to fix the desk and the window I just smashed.

 

Jason got a call from the guys at Globe Shoes, which couldn’t have been timed better cause Tully has conceded the fact that he can’t be trusted to pick his own wardrobe and as long as the pussy is still available, his wife is the one in charge, and Jason has some shoes that she would approve of although Michael would never pick them himself. Ellis has noticed that Katie is a pretty respectable influence on his style, but sometimes even she needs to tone it down or else he’ll be strolling around in Louboutin boots and wolf leggings with a Flavor-Flav style necklace, not necessarily a clock, but something of that nature. Tully is also looking at a new car sometime soon and wants to buy the douchiest thing practical for him to drive. But that’s secondary, cause I could go on forever, but Tully found more important things on the internet in the form of a YouTube channel called “kids react” in which some parent who’s not a vicarious fame whore, volunteers to have someone film their kids’ reactions to learning about current events and causes. First one we saw, was kids watching a video of two guys getting engeaged and some of the kids seemed like they just didn’t know what to think and the rest just basically didn’t seem to care cause children are usually considered pre-sexual beings and shouldn’t have a hell of a lot of an opinion about these kinds of things. Next up though, was two ladies getting engaged and again, it was pretty much the same reaction, just way better looking cause dudes are scummy and ladies are just fantastic. Then there were the kids watching actual videos of people getting married cause I guess it’s illegal or morally reprehensible to show them people committing suicide, even though it’s the exact same god damn thing. One kid they were watching though had really evil Satanic eyebrows, and they could tell from watching it that he would someday be arrested for attempting to perpetrate a fag-drag somewhere not far from a reasonably progressive city where the police actually do their jobs. There was small hope though when the interviewer asked if he thought people were born gay and he admitted it could be possible, so as long as Ken Ham doesn’t get his bullshit pointed anywhere close to this kid, he could turn out OK. This got the guys on the topic of being a good role model to your kids and not teaching them offensive shit like “Carlos Santana is the only contribution Puerto Ricans have ever made to society” and shit like that. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Oh, fuck me. Freddie Prinz Jr., the son of an actual actor by the same name, was on the show 24 with Kiefer Sutherland and has come forward to say that Kiefer is the least professional mother fucker in show business and a complete asshole outside of the business. Pretty much everyone else has said he’s full of shit, but since it was bad enough for him that he almost quit showbiz entirely, I’ll take that as meaning that “Boys And Girls” hasn’t had the residual pay he was hoping for and 24 didn’t solve any of the residual problems caused by it. DMX went on a roller coaster and got as DMX as he could get without smoking crack on webcam in front of his fans. THERE’S GONNA BE A NEW MAD MAX MOVIE!!! And the guys watched the trailer for it, and it includes Mel Gibson’s classic black 1974 Ford Falcon GTA (Australian Model) and of course a million other fucked of rat rods which will be inexplicably driving around in big block V8’s while complaining about the scarcity of gasoline. Jason Staham used to be a competitive high diver, back when he had hair and Guy Ritchie wasn’t an accomplished director. And Lil’ Wayne has started his own professional sports agency, with no clear goal or specific sport they manage/partake in, but he’s doing it all the same. Hollywood isn’t making any money this summer, probably cause we get more exposure to it than we want from shithead paparazzi than we do from the actual content they produce, the quality of which has been in sharp decline in recent years. The guys discussed the long term failings of Hollywood by giving a quick, spoiler session of The Expendables and as much as I appreciate the intent of that franchise, I think it’s safe to say that the shark has been jumped. Somehow, all this talk of The Expendables and the new Mad Max got Jason to the task of recapping the plot of one of the Lethal Weapon movies, and I’m not sure how that all ties together, but I guess it makes sense when you’re not surrounded by ringing phones and loud machinery that can occasionally drown out the point of a conversation. Tracy Morgan is still recovering from that bus crash last month, but he’s not dying and his lawyers are taking WalMart to the fucking cleaners, so maybe the legal system will come through for a black man with money in a positive way for a change, not like that one washed up football player serial killer guy, you know, Fruit Juice, or whatever his name was. The guys took a break after all that to get ready for a guest who was on the way and so that WILSON could catch a nooner with Cumtard before things get too busy in the green room for a bromantic tryst.

 

Did you know today is national tiger day? No, you can’t buy Jason’s son, but you can do something nice for tigers or otherwise just show your respect and support. Josh Todd from Buckcherry stopped by to hang with the guys for a while. I never liked Buckcherry a whole bunch, but they did a pretty good cover of that Dramarama song “Anything, Anything” and if you can pay proper tribute to a classic, you’ll earn a few points in my book. Josh told the guys some stories about his cocaine, meth, LSD and alcohol days and all the good times that come along with that kind of combination. Luckily though, he’s got almost 20 years off all of it and he’s an all around super dad and part time rock star these days, so it all works out in the end. Josh has a new EP coming out soon, but every free moment he has is at the go-kart track, and not those pussy electric ones, like a real deal, four-weel-brake kart. The guys talked karting for a while and all the weight classing and ins and outs of the league stuff and how pretty much any average Joe can get into it without having to build a half million dollar sponsored engineering experiment just to get some seat time and the officials keep it all as fair as possible. Josh is pretty enthusiastic about boxing like Jason too, so they shot the shit about that for a while (anyone else feel another possible future EllisMania contender coming on?). The guys decided to take the opportunity to bring back a game they haven’t played in a while, NAME THAT NIPPLE!!! If you don’t remember, it’s a guessing game where the folkls have to match the nipple picture to the famous name it’s attached to. The list goes as follows:

1. A young James Hetfield

2. Rob Halford’s pierced male mammary

3. M. Shadows

4. Danzig’s monstrous wolf titty

5. Tommy Lee

6. Slash

7. Bruce Dickinson’s even more terrifying wolf nipple

8. Axl Rose

9. Steven Tyler’s slightly haggard nipple of yesteryear

10. Jim Morrison

11. A young Bono

And last but not least,

12. Ozzy Osbourne

The guys played a track off the new EP “Fuck” in which every track has the word fuck in the title, which is certainly a great way to get my attention, and then Josh took a shot at the punch pad and landed himself a 56, putting him right up in the ranks with Mike Jasper, Juliana Pena and some other folks on the same scale. The guys bantered a bit more abour fighting and trying to clarify just how hard of a punch Josh landed and then took a breather to regroup for another game the guys had saved up.

 

MMA NEWS YOU FUCKING PUSSIES!!! Jason watched it and I didn’t and Tully read a bunch of news stories about it because Jason is dyslexic!!! But more specifically, Joe Riggs was gonna come out of retirement but accidentally shot himself in the hand and upper leg while cleaning his gun. Anderson Silva and Nick Diaz are also allegedly gonna be fighting, either in the octagon or somewhere on the east end of Stockton cause shit like that happens out there. Tully cooked up some chicken feet and the guys decided to have Cumtard fellate them like that one scene in Killer Joe where Juno Tilly is giving a drumstick a blow job for the amusement of a derranged Matthew McCaunaghey. Jetta came in to assist, but Tard kept taste testing the chicken feet cause he’s a lot more adventurous with food than all you assholes on twitter seem to think. Then Jetta started molesting Kevin’s face in the least disrespectful way possible, but some of the claws came off the foot in his throat so the gagging noises were still applied without needing any external audio support. The guys called Jetta back in after the face fucking to have him sit down and be informed that he’s a FUCKING DISGRACE OF A HUMAN BEING AND HIS PARENTS SHOULD HAVE STABBED HIM WITH A COAT HANGER WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE due to his lack of knowledge about classic rock, even the really well known stuff, and they included Hot Dog because NOBODY IS EXEMPT FROM RESPECTING THE GREATES RIFFS AND LYRICS IN ALL OF HISTORY!!! So, basically the last half hour was a bit of ridiculing the two newest employees for being born in a time when rock started going into death throes and the best we could offer to replace it was Limp Bizkit. Hot Dog proved himself to be quite a bit more knowledgable despite his age, so the guys stuck to making Jetta feel like shit for not knowing classic rock songs and for also driving a Jetta (cause if you own a German car and thought it would be practical, you have a really warped idea of practicality). The guys decide to introduce a shock collar to this affair because stupidity is supposed to be painful, and if mother nature doesn’t feel like enforcing that anymore, it’s up to us as the few humans with common sense to make sure the stupid are either ridiculed into acting appropriately or killed by their own poorly calculated deeds. Luckily, when this was all finished up, it made me want to put my foor so far up Jetta’s ass he could use his teeth to give me a pedicure after his remarks about The Clash. I was listening to the end of the show on demand, so there might have been more to this segment, or final calls, or someone screaming to start a race war, but all the same I enjoyed what I heard and typing out my unique take on it for all of you. And Iron Maiden doesn’t sound like the Crue, you fucking simpleton.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 7/28/2014

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The past two weeks have been pure, farm fresh, grade A, shit for me. And today isn’t any better. It’s taken it’s toll on me, I’m exhausted, I’m busy as shit, and I’m pretty sure I’m working towards a stroke. That being said, I’ll do my best with the recap but I make no promises on its quality. Your balls hitting your ass? Does it mean you’re getting older or does it mean you’re balls are getting bigger? Is Jetta the whitest man in the world? Why does Dingo have a new car? Is Cumtard really that cumtarded? Does Ben Stiller have an eating disorder? Just answer “Yes” to all those and you’ll pass the quiz. Dennis Rodman showed Dingo and his pals the giant penis tattoo he has on his back. Remember when Rodman banged Madonna? I don’t know how a super STD wasn’t born from those sessions. There’s moto beef between Dungey and Roczen, or Roczen’s mechanic, or maybe it wasn’t beef, maybe it was chicken. Outdoor motocross versus indoor motocross. There’s a line drawn in the dirt and you gotta choose your side! Just kidding, nobody really cares as long as they can hear the “braaaaps”. So Ellis’ Palm Springs adventure this weekend was cool, but he felt like he got fucked over on his room, no bathtub – only a shower. No movies, just a bed and a couch. Dingo did some interviews at Street League over the weekend, so far it sounds like he did better than last time. Dingo was also at the Young Hollywood Awards this weekend with Kelly Osbourne. It’s airing on Oxygen or some shit tonight. Dingo went and bought himself a white BMW 640i, the one that kinda looks like a Chrysler. Dingo schooled us on who Charles Manson was, then Tully & Will chimed in with more details to really round out the whole Manson family information segment. Do you like the Vamps? You might be a goat if you do. The government wants you to be into the Vamps. This all led into discussions on how big is metal? Are genres of music more fragmented now than ever before? Did you know Ellis got kicked out of school once? Did you know he went back to his school later when he was older and filmed it? Well you do now.

what-language-is-that

When Ellis & Dingo really get going.

MMA News with Kenda Perez time, she doesn’t have any ugly friends. That’s mainly because Hotdog the intern is still rocking his new genius haircut. Kenda’s a drug and reggae addict lately, Dingo thinks the new drug is moon rocks – a crystallized version of molly. Kenda’s phone sucks, it keeps cutting out so her segment got cut short. Anthony Johnson has fucked up eyes that go red when he gets emotional, and it’s not pink-eye from rubbing poo in his eyes. He planted upper cuts on Nogueira until Lil Nog slumped to the canvas with blood streaming from his… noggin. Clay Guida got his perm straightened by Dennis Bermudez. Dana White could be the next President of the United States, giving way to the “Dana White House” (Tullyism) and Rob Dyrdek could be the Vice President. Some Jennifer chick and her co-workers were listening to the Etsy game on a replay of the show and decided to make an Etsy game themselves and shared it with the show. Aretha Franklin got snubbed at Johnny Rockets, some waitress yelled at her when she sat an empty table after ordering takeout. Dingo is suspect, he likes Canadian bacon over actual bacon or turkey bacon. You sir, will need to work to earn our trust again after that statement. And now, a short public service announcement.

f-you

Fuck your Canadian bacon.

Dingo swears you can drive a Lamborghini golf cart on the streets in California as long as it’s licensed and all that legal mumbo jumbo. On a side note, Canadian bacon, so you might not want to just go trusting this man. Katie got called a retarded cunt when she was trying to park her car or something. Ellis wasn’t there so the dude got away with it. Tully called the police today after dropping his kid off at preschool. He saw a Washington state drivers license in the gutter with the face and most of the identifying information burnt off. He called LAPD and they basically gave him the “big fucking deal, buddy” so he called the Seattle PD and I don’t know what the shit they did, but probably nothing. Anyway, back to the Etsy game, which I didn’t take any notes on because I was driving in shit-ass-ass-shit stop-and-go traffic and am unwilling to get into a wreck writing down Etsy game notes. Deal with it. All I can remember is something about soap that smells like monkey farts and Danzig as a narwhal. Tully’s cooking chicken feet for soup and I gotta guess it’s some sort of Japanese dish because who the fuck else would eat chicken feet? You’d think by now people would know that just because you can boil something and pretend it’s food, doesn’t mean you should or that it is food. Some dude in Alabama went to get his foreskin removed and instead the doctor removed his cock. Suddenly, my shitty past weeks are looking a whole lot better. Chris Cole called into the show, he was at Street League this weekend too. Once Chris hung up, we got to hear Dingo’s interviews from the Street League event. This time he had someone there with him to work the equipment so it didn’t sound like total shit. He knows his interviewing skills need work, but he did much better his 2nd time around. He wasn’t afraid to ask the hard hitting questions like “who has the biggest cock here?” – kudos to you Dings! Dyrdek allegedly told Dingo that he’s paid to win a contest before, but that was cut from the audio by the engineer – making that hearsay and inadmissible in court. Overall, Dingo did a lot better this time around and hopefully he keeps doing these at some of the events he goes to.

Back to MMA for a minute. Wilson made his UFC bet and now he’s getting his chance to collect on that bet. He’s going to get his Make-A-Wish dream come true by sitting in a vat of beans! He’s got his kiddie pool, he’s got his floaties on, and donning his favorite shower cap – now it’s time for the miracle! As HateBean came to life, he was drenched in beans. In his mouth. Over his head, down the front & back of his shirt. In his ass crack. BEANS EVERYWHERE! After singing a few bathing songs, it was time for him to get out of his bean bath so Jetta, Cumtard, & Hotdog could get their chance at earning a whopping $100 dollars by having a contest. Each would fill their cup to the brim with bean bath, whoever could finish their brimming bean cup of crunk bean first would be declared the winner. The whitest guy in the world, Jetta, was out of contention almost immediately as he began vomiting beans right back into the bean pool. This left Cumtard & Hotdog to battle it out. Hotdog was holding back his gag relfex while Cumtard was busy enjoying his cup of beans like it was some sort of delicacy prepared by a wizard. Because he seemed totally un-phased and enjoying his delicious dish, it really seemed like Cumtard was going to be winner here, but then a surprise between Hotdog’s vurps. In a scene I can only imagine was straight from a Porky’s movies, Hotdog had nearly completed his cup of bean protein. Cumtard admitted his defeat and Hotdog went on to finish his cup-o-beans, making him the Lean, Mean, Dean of Bean! Which is a much higher honor than your mom ever received, the Queen of Cum Glazed Maids of AIDs. OH!

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HateBean in his element.