Tag Archives: Jetta

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/23/14

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It’s “Who gives a fuck about your problems internal restructuring week” here at NoYouAre and god damn if I’m not excited for all the wonderful changes that are gonna be taking place in the near future. For one thing, I’m gonna be writing recaps with thigh earmuffs from now on unless my schedule doesn’t allow it or they find my naked corpse face down in the snow, y’know whatevs, and the new guy is getting his trial by fire real soon and people are switching days and FUCK IT’S GONNA BE A GOD DAMN AWESOME NEW CHAPTER OF DICK AND FART JOKE RELAY RACING FROM THE SATELLITE TO THE RADIO TO THE KEYBOARDS OF A BUNCH OF FOLKS WHO SHOULD PROBABLY EAT LESS CHEESE AND TRY SLEEPING AT MORE APPROPRIATE HOURS!!! But anyways, enough about us, cause we do this to talk about someone else and that someone else is the entity known as the Jason Ellis show. Today got rolling with Jason rolling completely solo cause everybody’s either sick or fired! Who’s on which list of shitcanned or shitting blood? We’ll possibly find out later! Hopefully! Jason has been getting mostly positive but still mixed reviews of having his abridged replays in the morning and some people are flat out cunts on twitter and basically exist to complain about things just cause nobody has ever taught them what productivity is. Tony Hawk still believes in Faction with Jason Ellis! Jason has been working through a lot of stuff in his issues and behaviors and things that make a person go crazy and do stupid shit sometimes. Cumtard and Jetta are both no longer members of the staff, and Tully is home with his entire family spewing putrid fluids from every orifice in the most metal vomit and diarrhea festival known to the ages. Jason isnot huge into soccer, so he’s trying to get the kids into MMA and if they like it then awesome and if not then you can’t say nobody tried. Jason does appreciate the work his therapist puts in, but it couldn’t hurt if he hired a janitor because one time he left a water bottle in the waiting room and it sat there for two weeks. After his last session, Jason visited the Zen garden nearby and wandered the boardwalk watching everyone in L.A. be a god damn kook in the water. So, basically, lots of pondering and stuff up in the air right now. Cumtard apparently took a week off and it’s unsure whether he’s coming back after that, and not much more information I can give there. Anyways, back to Jason and the Zen garden, a while ago he tried asking one of the caretakers how such a luxurious establishment exists and somehow got corralled into the back to learn about meditation and the guy leading the class was spending way too much time checking Ellis’ bulge (which I’m told is fantastic and beautiful). Then, the other shoe dropped and she told him it was $250 for a one hour session with sitting and tranquility and 8 inch balls and all that. So Jason just went for a 20 minute shakedown run through Zen and the art of Xenophobia since he had another appointment nearby, and god damn if the first thing this lady did was one healthy dick tap. Then she did some questions and smacked a gong around and some other stuff that didn’t seem like it was worth $75 bucks for 20 fucking minutes starting with a slap to the balls and no orgasm at the end of it. It all seems to tie in with the fact that Jason appreciates women and they can convince him of just about anything if they word it correctly. Luckily, he got the fuck out before she could convince him to do a follow-up appointment so no extra stuff on the wing’s plate and he can focus on what’s important, like teaching his kids to crush skulls in the octagon! It all reminded Jason of this time when one of his ex’s former friends started claiming that she could do Raiki on pets over the phone and how psychics and mystics are often times completely full of shit like a rectum that hasn’t been purged for several days. And since I’ve known some interesting people, it’s worth noting that one time I was hanging out with a psychic off the clock and they got drunk as shit and pretty much told me it’s all a god damn lie, so y’know, grain of salt and all that. Jason took some phone calls on the black arts and no I don’t mean motown, I’m talking about the arcane and magical. Some of it seemed to encourage the feeling that if you believe enough it will come true and that’s all well and good, but didn’t rule out the possibility that Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson are just trying to take your millions with the help of two other completely unknown stars as their assistants. Jason reminded us of some lady who was bitching at Tiger the last time he dropped him off at school and the bitch was there again today giving the hairy eyeball to Tiger and she followed him across the yard to start some shit but wouldn’t dare attempt it with a guy who has a wolf tattooed on his head. Tiger seemed pretty upset about the whole thing and for the first time ever didn’t want to go home with dad and wanted to be with mom, which surely hurts any dad’s feelings, but you know what? A boy’s best friend is his mother (hopefully). And to top it all off, Jason needs more waxing so that he can counter the effects of getting old, but GOD DAMMIT HAVING A REAL LIFE GETS IN THE WAY OF GETTING THINGS DONE! AND WHY CAN’T JASON HAVE SOME HAIR?!?!? IS JESUS TOO BUSY TO GIVE JASON SOME HAIR?!?!? ANSWER ME MAGIC JEW!!! He did eventually get around to the waxing place, but the conversation with his waxer was annoying as shit and dude sounded like he needed to experience some real shit like selling crack to make rent. Some really fucking homeless looking dude came in to the waxing place too and it seemed really bizarre that a place so god damn ritzy wouldn’t get the Aryan nation to toss him out of their master race propaganda center. Some British chick who’s actually Australian was giving him the stank/fuck me eyes too, and that just seemed out of place for a man covered in tattoos waiting to get his back waxed. Jason will still do it though, just so long as she stays hydrated. Ellis took some calls on things and stuff, one guy wanted to know about the requirements to race UTV’s which of course Jason couldn’t answer cause he doesn’t work for the sanctioning bodies, but still he tried to encourage the dude to learn more about it and try to find a way to get some seat time. Another guy called to tell Ellis that he won’t be banging that not quite British Australian lady cause she prefers a box lunch at  the Y, but Jason just took it as a challenge to bust it open like no woman ever could. Somehow, this brought about the question “is it gay to let a man rub his knob on your crack?” To which the answer is of course “Yes, a resounding and undeniable yes, but if you’re into it, it’s nobody else’s business.” There were more calls and stuff and it all seemed pretty friendly and good natured after the turmoil of the first part of the show. There was a guy who needed to hear that sometimes divorce is the right thing to do when you’re both sick of each other and the kids need two happy fulfilled people in their lives and if neither of them can say that about themselves when they’re together than they shouldn’t be. Jason decided to take a break after all that solo gum flapping, which was probably a good thing cause he’s gonna need them pipes for another three hours.

 

Since Jason is still running the show alone, he got a chance to provide some input on how great it feels when hot ladies announce your show by saying they want to run parts of their bodies over parts of yours, and people, the creepier the better. Jason has been trying to exercise during the breaks, as well as pumping himself full of every medicine available to man cause fuck it why not? But he’s especially pissed that Theraflu is getting taken off the market cause it worked too good for there not to be something sweet as all fuck in it. Jason took a few minutes to listen through some of the music being suggested for the channel and get a little feedback about what people would like to not hear again. Before all that though, Jason and Will chatted for a while about Mike Tyson and how Jason has often under appreciated skills in the world of business and comedy. And substance abuse, skating, the old days, yer mum, and a whole lot of other things. A lot of what’s been tough going for Jason lately is all the stuff with his family that he’s been dealing with. We’ve all of course heard the seemingly endless issues with his mom, and of course he wants to patch it up with her just well enough that his kids can form their own opinion of her without his experience being all they base it on, and that’s all well and good, but it’s still a struggle cause some people can get all the polite treatment you can dish out and still have something negative as fuck to send back. And some people just refuse to handle the truth about things that have gone on with the people closest to them, so no matter what you want them to understand, it’s just not gonna get through to them. This is all kind of exterior to the what’s really important though, and that’s today and how awesome it can be when you do stuff that’s good for you and productive, so let’s get back on that train. So, new music, before any of it we heard a couple phone calls and some banter about how Jason kinda hates Death!Death!Die! but is still proud of the product and there’s a few tracks that he’s really happy with. Then, WILSON popped in a CD with stuff for them to sample. First band was Death From Above and they sounded kind of like The Hives, and I actually like The Hives a bit but not any of their radio tracks, and this was a bit more like one of their radio tracks. I wouldn’t complain to anybody if it was playing, but wouldn’t go out of my way to play it myself. Next up we heard some modern metal that wasn’t at all cookie monster from Mastodon and I’ve heard a few tracks from them that I like and they are talented musicians, this track wasn’t my style though. After that we got a listen of Royal Blood and it wasn’t terrible, kind of a Jack White vibe and catchy as all fuck. Next track Will played was from The Gallows and I’ve never much like the monotonous voice of their singer but I could understand if someone else liked them. Next was a band that I’ve actually fallen madly in love with recently called the Interrupters, and sure, they’re one of Tim Timebomb’s prodigies on Hellcat records, but they’re also fucking good at their craft and when I saw them live at Tim’s brother’s birthday a while back, they brought the fucking thunder and had the whole room skanking to the beat. After that was some band covering the Ramones that Will didn’t feel like mentioning the name of. Then we got a track from Yelawolf that was a bit different from his normal stuff but still pretty good. Next was more modern metal WITHOUT THE COOKIE MONSTER (squeee) that quickly shat the bed when the singer busted out sounding like Morrissey after an entire box of whippets and was deemed not good enough and I kinda had to agree. Up next we listened to a few bars from a post hardcore band that again, Will didn’t feel like naming but nonetheless would be put in rotation to either be picked apart by wolves or become champion of the arena and slaughter Caesar. After that we heard a rather emo band for a few seconds and it was quickly nixed. Then we got a strong thrash intro that segued into a high pitched and gravel throated Bruce Dickinson tribute-sounding singer from Exodus and it might work on some stations, but a little too far out of left field for Jason. However, it grew on The Wing and he let it fly. After that we heard a respectable tribute to the epicness of 80’s metal and double-kick drums and then the cookie monster started raging like his meth boner had exploded and left him dying of exsanguination, and Jason would not have another second of Scar Symmetry. And that was all of it, with only a few kicked to the curb outright and the playlist still wide open for suggestions. The guys turned to the phones to get some feedback from the audience and it seemed pretty good for the most part minus all the people who insist on suggesting new songs even though they said that was going to be reserved for a later date. Jason got a text from Sluggo which reminded him that he’s trying to get back into skateboarding and that he should get started by actually making use of his sponsor Globe’s mini-ramp so that he can get his legs back and hoon the fuck out of himself at a beginner level. After all that, Jason told a story about getting a vitamin B injection in his ass at some Hollywood spa place and it all started with him not filling in the date on some piece of paperwork cause he’s dyslexic and nobody usually gives a fuck. The lady at the counter appreciated the fact that he didn’t fill in the date cause he’s had an over privileged life, being a New York Times best seller even though he’s never read a thing and hasn’t had a whole lot of reason to start in his line of work. Jason went to this spa to recoup after all the hard work of racing in North Carolina and everything was feeling great right up until he got to the ass cheek puncturing session, while Jason was in the locker room, a guy actually asked if Malin Ackerman really signed and tattooed his ass, to which he had to respond “Yeah.” In the process of confirming with Hot Dog and Wilson that you can in fact see her name from a distance, and displayed his hole to the CEO and intern all in one fell swoop. This whole story really got Jason thinking that it’s time to get rid of the Rawdog and Joe Willy tattoos cause frankly it’s been long enough since he’s had any dealings with either of them, so he decided to do an impromptu “World’s Greatest Tuesday” by turning to the fans to ask what the best replacement tattoo would be for his freshly waxed infant smooth ass. He also got a better look at the Malin Ackerman tattoo and even that is kind of unacceptable simply for the fact that she has no experience whatsoever doing tattoos and it really put Jason in a headspin so he decided full cheek cover up that would eradicate all of it. His first idea was something race inspired like a dirt track or a pirate ship. Some of the ideas from the callers were a second ass (black ass, cause it needs to cover), Cat in the Hat fishing in the rectum, Gene Simmons with the trademark tongue going towards the hole, Dimebag Darryl (for shame, everyone, that’s just mean), The World, Joe Willy actually called in to say that it’s perfectly acceptable to cover his name since it’s not even spelled right, and suggested he get a shark eating its own heart, a red dragon breathing fire into the hole, Katie’s hand print, Ozzy’s head eating a bat, Jason’s moto license plate, or possibly Chad Reed’s with his autograph underneath, the giant underground slug from Tremors (which would probably just look like a turd in the long run, which would be even more bizarre to get tattooed on your ass), Bigfoot reaching into his rectum, the flaming Hindenburg, “Juicy” (of course suggested by a dude that could not have made it any less obvious he wants to take a spray of Jason’s DNA across his grille), The Sistine Chapel ceiling, A dinosaur or pretty much any lizard because the scales do a great job covering up writing and that inspired Jason to get his pet bearded dragon Supercross on his ass, Andy Dick doing a line of coke, Shaq or John Madden saying “BOOM”, hamburgers so you can tell people you have Asperger’s, a dogsled complete with Eskimo bull whipping the dogs, Rocktopus, A caution flag, A huge double sided battle axe, a skater jumping the crack, Bill Nye the Science Guy, the tail end of Jason’s Porsche, a viking warship, and that last one basically sealed it cause Gene Simmons is a sellout and owns an indoor football team. BREAK TIME!

 

Jason came back from the break to do a game with WILSON and Hot Dog about Marilyn Monroe, and in the midst of this WILSON admitted that he barely uses the e-cig anymore and still hasn’t gone back to regular smokes, so he’s sticking to his word like a mother fucking champion. But anyways, back to Hot Dog and Marilyn Monroe, but more importantly whether or not Hot Dog knows who a whole bunch of other well known figures are. To keep it short, he knew Al Gore was a vice president who “bullshittedly” got a Nobel peace price for some movie he made, he didn’t know who Malin Ackerman was but Googled her and found out she was an actress, he knew Alfred Hitchcock was a director that may or may not have raped or otherwise been inappropriate with all the women on his movie sets, he knew Billy Crystal but not from When Harry Met Sally, he didn’t know Bob Hope was the greatest contributor to soldier morale at all the USO shows ever, but thought that he was a singer from the fifties who wrote music about long skirts and grilling with your dad, he knew Boy George was a singer with a spray on coif and a long string of male prostitute beatings as of late, he knew that Cassius Clay was a boxer also known as Muhammad Ali, he thought that Cindy Crawfordwas an actress (which is technically true because she did star in a movie with Billy Baldwin way back in the days, although I wouldn’t call her an “actress” from that particular display of big screen forgetability) and did not know that her main claim to fame is as a super model who does not age thanks to an African melon extract that you can buy at 3 AM on QVC for just $29.99, he didn’t know that Colin Powell was an army general and politician, but thought that he was a humanitarian doctor helping kids with cleft palettes in Africa, he knew Dan Aykroyd as an amazing force of comedy and that David Hasselhoff is taken way more seriously in Germany than the US, he knew Dick Clark hosted late night TV, he knew Goldie Hawn was an actress who took some dick and made the fine specimen known as Kate Hudson, he couldn’t tell you who Julius Irving was if it would prevent him from getting shot in the face, knows Mario Andretti cause of that one time he did donuts in a formula 1 car at the opening ceremony of the Olympics one time, definitely knew that Mark Hamill was Luke Skywalker, knows less than a fraction of a shite about Rock Hudson but knows he got paid for being a bad mother fucker simply on principle, knew Wynona Ryder was in Beetlejuice and got arrested for stealing jewelry repeatedly after spurning Johnny Depp’s world class penis, and finally he knew that Winston Churchill was definitely the prime minister of Britain. And as the tiebreaker for Jason and Wilson, Hot Dog knew that Lane Staley was the lead singer for Alice in Chains. The guys all turned to the phones to get some final calls and banter with everybody out in the rest of the world for a while. Some lady asked if Hot Dog was a Quaker cause obviously Jason has the answer for that, what with all his experience dealing with those shifty Quakers all across the wilds of Australia, more dangerous than the Amish in them parts. The lady with three tits that the guys talked about yesterday was proven pretty much fake, but Jason didn’t listen to the guy who was calling to pass that along, however it is entirely true cause in a YouTube video the third titty is obviously a different color and no one has seen the top and bottom at the same time, not to mention that she’s obviously making a play to get famous cause people don’t want talent on TV anymore they just want bullshit, which is really all MTV has done for about a decade now. Jason is gonna do more racing in the future and loves the Italians. A couple more suggestions came in for the ass tattoo but right now the viking warship seems to be the best option. Some more folks called in and it was a lot of the normal faire, as it often is, and then the show came to a close with some dude bitching about his wife and his full time job, cause obviously nobody’s ever been able to enjoy their life with either of those things.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

 

And let me just say, with my big move coming up I’ve been really appreciating the support of all of you guys, as well as my friends and family outside of this wonderful little community bound together by an afternoon radio show. We’re sorting out a lot of things here, like if my schedule might allow me to keep doing this, and believe me I would love to, it’s been a blast from the start and it’s great to know how much people enjoy it and be part of some of the things this website has done. If this is the last piece I ever write for this website, just know I thank all of you for reading this and every other brain vomit session I’ve put out here, and if it’s not, I hope everything else I do here gives you all the enjoyment I get making it.

 

Sincerely,

That guy who got his ass kicked in front of 3,000 people for talking a lot of smack,

And coined the term “CumShart”,

And can’t seem to cut a run-on sentence short,

shit_toboggan

The “No More Producers” Comment Today

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No shit, I’ve been asked the same or a variation of the same question since the start of the show today. Which is fine, I’m glad people are asking questions, so please feel free to keep asking your questions. However, instead of typing the same answer 50 times over, I thought it would be easier to just make a quick post to address these questions.

So here’s what everyone is asking about. Ellis mentioned he was all by himself today, everyone is either sick or fired and there are “no more producers.” That left everyone wondering what he meant by that, did that mean Cumtard was fired too? No, it didn’t mean that at all. Let’s state what we know and what has been said so far:

  • Jetta was fired last week. He is gone. That is official.
  • Cumtard took this week off. HE took this week off. He was not told to take the week off.
  • Officially, Cumtard has not been fire as of this post.
  • Will Cumtard come back? Nobody knows, ask Cumtard.
  • Where was Tully today? Sick. His entire household is sick.
  • All that is why it was only Ellis, Will, & Hotdog today.
  • When Ellis said, “no more producers”, it wasn’t to say Cumtard had been fired, it was to say that nobody that would normally help produce the show, was there today. Hence, no producers.
  • A new “real” producer has been acquired, it is just a matter of paperwork before this new producer comes to work on the show.
  • Today’s show felt like a throw-back to the old days when Ellis was alone by himself in box, left to tell stories and entertain listeners on his own. It turned out better than most would have imagined. Ellis does have a gift for radio, make no mistake.

That’s about it. The rest would be speculation. I could speculate on what I think, but in the end, that means nothing. I’m just some dude that would be making assumptions. So who really cares? We’ll find out what the future holds, that is one thing we can be sure of.

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/16/14

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TWELVE!!! What the fuck are you talking about Alex? TWELVE MOTHER FUCKING DAYS UNTIL I LEAVE THIS POLLUTED PSEUDO-MECCA CALLED THE BAY AREA!!! Why is that so important, Alex? CAUSE TWELVE RHYMES WITH HELL!!! LIKE I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL COCK SMOKER!!! DON’T TRY TO FIND ME EITHER OR I’LL TEAR YOUR SPINE OUT AND SODOMIZE YOUR CHILDREN WITH IT!!! I could not be happier today folks, I’m a short ways away from kicking some serious highway ass “Road Warrior” style in my sweet ass flame-clad Dodge Ram and getting up north to kill my unfertilized future offspring in the land of poutine and venison slurpees! It’s also a nice mellow day at work and almost lunch time, which means I can devote my time to you, the reader, so that you may ingest my seed before it is permanently cryogenically disabled due to my personal distance from the equator. In case I didn’t mention it, it’s also just about time for the Jason Ellis show, which is probably the only reason either of us is here, cause I doubt we would have any interaction by way of this website if it weren’t for the best few hours of afternoon debauchery known to man. Today got underway with the question “do you really know you’re you?” cause sometimes you just need new wallpaper. Jason has been looking through old pictures of himself and hasn’t found one that doesn’t make him look fat since before he got his head tattoo. Somehow, this seems like a good time to question religion and the Madden Brothers. Tully got into a conversation about tweeting the entire bible word for word and making the first tweet “In the beginning, god created the heavens and earth #LOL” and if future content would reflect the opener, I’d follow that account forever. Benji called Tully godless, which didn’t seem like it bothered him so much. Tully got into a nice critical history of how religion and street magic are a lot more closely related than most people would probably like to admit, cause god promises eternal peace and David Blaine just stands on his tippy-toes at an angle that looks like he’s floating. Jude was in studio to remind everybody that you can actually talk into a telephone. The guys talked about the many nuances of being a call screener and how aliens coming to earth wouldn’t prove Christians wrong cause what the fuck have facts ever changed for those guys? A guy called in to discuss this point, as well as letting the guys know that he has in fact discovered a dinosaur bone, so he knows what he’s talking about. If you still insist your god is real, John Cho has a show on TV called “Selfie” and he wanders in the background leering molestingly at the Wendy’s girl (hopefully that new one that’s kinda cute, and not the pre-teen on the burger wrapper). Jason’s divorce is pretty much finalized, but in a shining display of the HIGH FUCKING CALIBER of the California legal system, the court has been stalling on making it official for the better chunk of this year. Tully floated the idea of a for-hire mediator for people who have disputes that don’t quite warrant getting the law involved, and it would be a growth industry cause some people are victims of when keepin’ it real goes wrong. The real gripe Jason has with this whole situation is that it’s very likely the ex’s new man is gonna be his kids’ stepdad and Jason is pretty much never gonna meet him. Jude got a call from his daughter who just went to college and got drunk for the first time, which made Jude happy cause it’s great to know that his kid is comfortable enough to tell him that and not the mom, and he got to pass along his own party wisdom to keep the bad element from besmirching her innocence. In a twist of racist fate, Jason tried to guess that Jude’s daughter’s favorite drink is Alize, cause it’s just like white girls and ranch dressing apparently, but he was wrong. Truth of the matter is rum and coke is how the young Angelini gets down at her Florida college. The guys talked for a bit about their favorite drinks when they had the palettes of children, Like Tully who used to drink “stingers” which is just brandy and Creme de menthe (WHY 1940’S WHY?!?!?!) or Jude who used to drink lemon drops, which is the lemonade version of a screwdriver. Myself, when I could find a guy to shoulder tap, it was Hot Damn 100 proof and Dr. Pepper, or Black Cherry Effen vodka and Monster, both fantastic choices depending how much of an adult you would like to pretend you are at any given point in the evening. There was more talk about stepchildren and not the euphemism for getting your balls massaged while you’re getting blown, but actual children that aren’t yours but you’re busting into the mom’s clit prison. Jude was cleaning his house this weekend and found a bottle of GHB and being the kind of guy not to waste a dollar, he skulled it so he could clean out the bottle for storage in the future. And of course, with expired GHB or any drugs for that matter, doing a bunch of it all at once and then recording a video diary for your podcast is a great piece of immortal internet content. Jason let Jude know that if he wants to do the Foreally show on Faction, he’s welcome to, and Jude would love that but wants to do a slightly different spin of that and include Christian “The Box of Shoes” Hand. The guys talked more about how when you’ve got kids and don’t stay with their other parent, you get the wonderful benefit of turning your new partner into a prison snitch so that you don’t have to put them in the position of getting on your children’s bad side and fucking up your life with it. It’s also good not to turn your kids against your ex’s new mate, cause that shit can land you in a shirtless back alley knife fight on the back of your Harley-Davidson wondering how the fuck you went from being the star lacrosse player in high school to shaking down hookers for enough money to get something off the dollar menu at Wendy’s. Jude stepped out to do his normal 1 to whatever time All-Out show ends and Jason took a break to rage out some parent issues.

 

AUSSIES!!! Ya fuckin’ cunts mate, this family in Melbourne was having problems when their ten year old pet goldfish was being an asshole to the other fish in the tank and VETERINARIANS WERE ABLE TO MELLOW HIM THE FUCK OUT BY REMOVING A GIGANTIC BRAIN TUMOR!!! Which ended up being the cheapest major surgery I’ve ever heard of, on a human or animal, at a mere $200 Australian! While searching for the word “gazebo” Jason reminded everybody that WILSON has been known to murder black (and other) people in a gazebo from time to time. Aside from the Madden Brothers having a new album out today, Slash with Myles Kennedy and the Conspirators also have a new album out today, and in an homage to the hard work those well recognized artists, IT’S TIME FOR UNSIGNED BANDS!!! But first, shitty music keeps finding it’s way on to the Faction with Jason Ellis airwaves and it stung in Jason’s ass like that first time he got that stress hemorrhoid after EllisMania 5. Specifically, some band (?) called K-Flay and given the name it sounds like something that belongs on fucking Clear Channel where mindless consumerism can stifle out well composed music. The guys played a clip of it and it’s exactly the kind of top 40 shit that made me buy a satellite radio to start with. Somebody called in to try and back K-Flay even though I could give less than a fraction of a shite about ever hearing it again. Right, so unsigned bands, first was a rap from some guy called $Dollaphin$ and it did nothing to redeem the failure that is K-Flay cause I honestly could not distinguish the beat and given that Cumtard’s email correspondence with him gave no further pertinent information, it would be worth forgetting. Next was a group called Nawf, featuring our old target shooting friend Cassette Coast, also part of the rap genre but much more listenable and talented rather than white guys with rich friends trying their hands at things they’ll never understand. After that was a PHONE CALL FROM CASSETTE COAST! He gave an interview with the guys for a few minutes and accepted some kudos and praise from the crew for all the work he’s sent in so far. If you wanna check out more of his stuff, it’s all over the iFunnelcrappymusicdownyourthroatwhetheryouwantitornot (we’ll cover this in a few minutes) and Amazon and Google Play store. Next in line was Cormack which started off strong with some organs and then got a little dubstep/rap-rock and Clear Channel so not particularly noteworthy in my opinion. After that was Tri-Lac (?) Commission with their track Money Hungry Bitches which had potential then immediately lost it when the guys started trying to sing/rap. Next up was A Haunt of Crows which had a slight Stone Temple Pilots vibe but atrociously bad recording so hard to put in rotation anywhere. After that was Lucky Number Tuesday which was kinda throwback and sounded like Kings of Leon, but not as good, and that’s saying something cause I don’t even like Kings of Leon and think they should be assassinated. Next was Rebel Society featuring Butterballs of EM6 fame and if you like thrashy old school hardcore punk then this would be right up your alley. Next was Red Shift and I can’t think of who they sound like but in my own house they wouldn’t get played to completion with any regularity so it’s not slowing down my day. After that we heard the guys talk for a bit about how Apple forced anyone with an iTunes account to take ownership of the new U2 album, without consent or any legitimate interest, and to make matters worse it was a file that could not be removed for absolutely no legitimate reason, badly enough that Apple had to develop a web tool to remove it from everybody’s iCloud so that the sand would finally leave their collective iCunts. Little known fact, according to iLikeGirlsDaily, to apologize, Apple is gonna forcibly give you the new albums from Soulja Boy and Justin Beiber in a week or two. Now, I don’t know that that’s actually true, but I have absolutely no trouble believing it especially when it comes from the twitter account that feeds me tasteful nudity all day. Now, since I don’t need to suck anybody’s dick to have friends, I of course do not own an Apple product of any sort, but if I did, I would promptly go to Steve Jobs’ grave and ejaculate on it, simply for the principle, then shit on my load and watch it slide down his tombstone, like a shit toboggan. Back to unsigned bands, there was a glitch in my on demand so I didn’t catch the name of the John Tesh tribute band, but I did hear half of a couple words and it sounded like some fucking waste of perfectly harvestable organs tried to start a John Tesh tribute band. Next up was The Octagon playing a bit of radio friendly metal that would make the perfect walkout music for a pro wrestler, or maybe a UFC fighter. After that we heard from Anthem For A Massacre and aside from the somewhat cookie monster vocals, definitely a talented and respectable metal offering from the world of underground music. Second to last was from The Involuntary and it sounded similar to what might have been included in Apple’s new shove feces down your esophagus collection, then went all screamo and had notes of Creed and later Unwritten Law. And finally, we got a taste of Blab Pipe who were catchy and danceable with a vocal filter like The Dandy Warhols and would be acceptable background music for a third rate college sex romp movie. Oh, and Malice got kicked off Instagram again, so no more dark soft core 80’s porn and mini-pincer pics for any of us. At least not from her.

 

HORSE FORCE IS COMING TO NEW YORK and Jason plans on fucking a canolli as some portion of that experience, whether the audience is invited to watch is still unclear. Tully found a news story all the way from Bangkok about a woman who committed SUICIDE BY FUCKING CROCODILE at a Thai zoo, which is proof that bitches is crazy no matter where you go. The guys kicked around the idea of what types of suicide should be allowed, like if your old and in massive pain and your ungrateful shithead great grandchildren keep demanding more in their birthday cards every year that you can’t make good on cause you’re on a fixed income and the American medical system is bleeding you dry SO FUCK IT!!! LEMME JUST PUSH THE FUN BUTTON UNTIL THE FUN TURNS TO CARDIAC ARREST AND THEN YOU THIEVING NURSES CAN COME IN AND PUSH IT A FEW MORE TIMES BEFORE YOU STEAL MY CHECKBOOK TO MAKE COUNTERFEIT PURCHASES WITH!!! Jason said if he was gonna do it, he’d either drown himself in his ex wife’s boyfriend’s blood or maybe just steal a Lamborghini and toss it into the ocean off Highway 1. WILSON said the easiest way to go would be a nice sweet heroin overdose on the first time and Tully didn’t weigh in on it cause he’s probably got some truly devious shit swirling in his head that would turn Wesley Snipes as white as a bag of powdered sugar. Tully did however have a story of his great grandmother as was passed down to him that at some point she left the house, walked down the hill straight into the lake and didn’t attempt to swim. The guys talked a while longer about death and some of their well known friends’ death scares and public cries for help and what people are thinking when they want to switch it all off and at the end of it, we found out that officialjasonellis.com is having technical difficulties with the cameras so there’s just one angle and it’s straight up Jason’s nose. WILSON being the semi-professional stalker that he is, suggested a few ways that Jason could keep tabs on his ex’s boyfriend with security cameras and over the counter spy equipment, as well as using the kids as moles in whatever sinister scheme he might be involved in, or pretending he’s on acid and wandering in and fucking up his evening by whooping his ass and telling his ex to call the cops. And while they had him in the studio, they turned to the phones to have Jizz Cult give some caller advice for folks who don’t know quite what to do about blood stains in the trunk liner of their Subaru and all that plastic sheeting that basically became single use after a heated discussion with their significant other. First guy called in cause his wife left him and his son a bunch of years ago and before she left she planted the seeds of discontent in the child even though the dad and the new wife were the ones who raised him to be the guy he is today, and WILSON recommended that he respond to evil with evil, like not blatantly shit talking his mom, but slipping the allegations of prostitution and drug problems in as an aside to normal conversations. OR, plant drugs on her and get her publicly arrested while he’s around so there’s just no denying it. Next dude is in the process of a divorce and obviously that’s driven him into the type of financial ruin that prevents him from owning a SUPERIOR ANDROID MOBILE DEVICE and living somewhere with decent reception. Then we heard from a guy in the midst of a break up from a lady who seemed to be that perfect kind of crazy, but in the end turned out to be just regular undeniable crazy. Will suggested that he pop the question to her because the two of them are just too stereotypically perfect for each other and their children will be the saviours of all gender based prejudices. Jason of course was more level headed and told him to just let her go to voicemail and never respond. Or get married and crank out seven idiot babies, whichever is easier. Next was a fellow who has a pattern of dating women with children who don’t get any child support and refuse to go after it, to which WILSON responded that it’s probably because these hoes is cray-cray and don’t have any concept of personal responsibility, or they know their exes are such wastes of human life that it would be an exercise in futility to try and get the court to garnish their $6.25 per hour Walmart greeter paycheck. Jason mentioned off hand that the reason his ex’s new man probably doesn’t want to meet him is that it might change his opinion of her and they’ll break up, to which the Pendarvis Proclaimer responded that if the two never meet, there will never be any conflict between the two of them, ever, until one gets pissed that they haven’t met the other and decides to break in to the other one’s house and reupholster a Barca Lounger with their entrails so that they can get really well acquainted. Next was a guy who’s been divorced a good few years and started dating a new lady but he never introduced the kids to the new lady, but the mom tried to say that dad left for the new chick. After all that has been cleared up, the kids started getting to know some of the new lady’s family and the mom is being an uptight bitch about dad telling the kids that this lady’s family are gonna be around and you can think of them as family, just that they’re not any blood relation, to which WP the mother fuckin’ 3 advised him to just say “SHUT THAT CUNT’S MOUTH OR I’LL COME OVER THERE AND FUCK START HER HEAD!!!” After that was a call from a dude who got pretty close with a lady he had known for a good bunch of years and after she got pregnant and they were all ready to start a family, she left, lost the baby (which would have been twins), then came back and took his truck and his house, and now he wants to know how to move on from something so fucked up and harsh and the long and short answer is that you could move all your stuff into the crawlspace over her bedroom and masturbate into the same spot on the ceiling until it eats through the sheetrock and lands on her face while she’s sleeping, or just get right with yourself and get away from the situation cause there’s just no fixing it after everything that’s happened. Next was a dude who wanted to know how one goes about getting divorced for the second time and then letting the first wife try to start dating you again, which is basically voluntarily committing to a massive level of suffering, the likes of which would make Auschweitz look like a Cabbage Patch Kids nursery and would endure for a thousand centuries, through the throngs of a million wars worth of violence and despair only to culminate in the implosion of the planet’s core into another dimension where the cycle would repeat ad infinitum, until the history of the universe came full circle and you were reborn to live the same existence again. Last one to get through, we heard from a guy who had a kid with his lady and did his best to be a good dad, but every time he goes to visit and has the kid out of the house more than 4 hours she starts blowing his phone up like the Manhattan Projects final result, and he wanted to know how to calm that bitch down so he can spend some time with his child so that they don’t turn out like so many other shitty children. Unfortunately, the way the world works, the only way to do it is to go to court and work out an agreement in the eyes of the law. OR..OR OR OR… Kill her and bury her in a shallow grave five miles outside of town then go on about your day like nothing happened. BONUS ROUND some guy’s ex is getting divorced and wants to get back with him and he’s wondering what the hell to do, which (short answer) is beat the brakes off that pussy and move out of state, or (long answer) murder, shallow grave, tacos, mechanical bull, learn paper mache and start a new life selling crafts in a little border town in Belgium. SMOKE BREAK but not for WILSON cause he’s being good and sticking to his word.

 

MMA NEWS if  you should be interested to hear it, Nick Diaz is under investigation by the UFC for his drunk driving arrest last week and TMZ is reporting that he tried to make himself vomit so he could get under the legal limit and is now adding the charge of attempting to destroy evidence to his case. CALIFORNIA POLICE, AM I RIGHT? Alexander Gustavson is all over the place in MMA these days and will probably be getting a title fight. Sluggo Boyce might have allegedly had botox and while this has very little to do with MMA, it’s fair to note that it may have been in his knees rather than his face. There’s some more fights coming up and stuff, it should all be entertaining for the fans. Rory McDonald was having his fight music picked by someone other than himself and somehow his phone number got leaked or he bought a new phone or something and he got all the crap and Nickelback a person could never want all due to a hilarious wrong number misunderstanding. Some Russian lady on a motorcycle is personally taking on her own crusade against litterers by pretty much Mad Maxing her way across the former Soviet Union. She’s also taking on assholes who illegally park in handicapped spaces. Tully found a video of a rattlesnake fighting a road runner and son of a bitch the animal kingdom is a mysterious place cause the road runner snatched this fucker’s head in his beak and then beat it unconscious and consumed it whole. The guys took final calls on things and stuff, and stuff and things, people are appreciating the changes in the music lineup now that Jason is sort of in charge of things. People called about littering and snakes fighting squirrels and DUDE DID YOU GUYS KNOW THEY HAVE BLACK SQUIRRELS IN CANADA?!?!?!?! Shit is crazy, guys. Well folks, it’s the point in this recap where there’s not much more substance to be written and I need to clean the dried pre-cum off of my abdomen and start getting ready for work.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 9/9/14

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DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA REALLY WANT THE TRUTH!!! DIAL NINE NINE NINE IF YA CAN’T SEE IT THROUGH!!! HE AIN’T JACK THE RIPPER HE’S YOUR ORDINARY CROOK!!! CALLIN’ MAXWELL MURDER FOR YOOOOOOUUU!!!! Fuck, if the date was only a couple digits different, we could call it Rancid day and have punks across the land starting mosh pits in the most unexpected and inappropriate places and situations. Or even better, revive the little known British punk band 999 and make catchy melodic songs about cheating girlfriends and a strong belief in the theory of homicide. Whatever though, it’s Tuesday and I’ve only got less than three weeks before I hit the road up north to the land of moose cum slurpees and a thousand recipes for poutine! I’m fucking excited, how about you? I’m gonna make the stupidest, drain on society anchor baby you fuckers have ever seen! But before that, let’s talk about the Jason Ellis show, cause that’s what’s happening live in the here and now several hours ago by the time this recap actually makes it to its published stage of existence cause I have a day job and constantly have to pause the show to answer the phone or play psychiatrist to someone with automotive troubles and I’ll probably be listening to more than half of the show later this evening with the on-demand function of the SiriusXM online player! Today got rolling with what seemed to be more intro music than normal, but I did have to pause a million times and didn’t want to fast forward in case I missed the opening and then had to hear Holy Diver again. After that though, Jason got to talking about how coffee is just wonderful, and I agree and when I’m done with this recap I’ll be freebasing Folgers so that I can stay up late and clean my apartment. Jude was in studio to chop it up with the guys today. Jude was watching some glory hole porn and came to the realization that the people on the business end are probably bashing their faces against the wall a lot more than your average person might realize. Jason is on antibiotics right now cause of dog blood shit SARS cancer, which sucks cause he just got off of all the blood thinners from the heart surgery and it has just been a chemical fueled nightmare for The Wing without the awesome side effects of actually getting high. The guys discussed how proper animal husbandry and science kind of requires you to stop letting dogs lick your face cause they do a wide range of horrible things with those mouths at all times of day. Also, probably a good idea to chase down your hairless cat and dunk it in a sink full of Purell from time to time cause they’re terrible at cleaning themselves. Luckily, the pain of their pestilence is all in your head, but unfortunately the bleeding rectum is entirely real. Jason also had a really good therapy session last night which brings us to Jude’s fucked up evil psychology. He’s an awesome dude, and he’s got his ways of working through things that are just different. Jude has been trying to find a lady worth keeping around longer than a few good fuck sessions lately and it’s kind of seeming like it’s going good for him and we’re glad to hear it. The only thing fucking up his crusade is the fact that pussy is fantastic and sometimes it’s the only thing that’s gonna satisfy the beast within. Tully on the other hand is happily married and hiding his alcoholism very well from his loved ones so that he can keep up the facade of some level of contentment with reality. Jude had a hookup session with a random the other night and after the deed was done she started making every kind of excuse imaginable not to leave, like that she was too drunk (and then took another drink) and that she needed someone to feed her children and pay her car note cause she sure as fuck ain’t about to. Somehow or another, the guys tried to draft Cumtard into getting his dick sucked by a man for science but the guys couldn’t agree on an acceptable ratio of beard mouth to smooth mouth for Cumtard’s liking, plus insertion on the radio is still against the rules so that got put on the back burner for now. SiriusXM has just started running the bumpers of FACTION: With Jason Ellis and Jason got a little uppity about it at first since he didn’t get to hear them first, but after hearing them he’s fine with it and didn’t have to hear Dingo call it Vegemite radio, so that kind of worked out for everybody. Since they are kind of stock though, Jason decided to crank out a few of his own using some of the classic sound bites that haven’t been taken off the button bar yet, like some Bruce Lee clips and various tortures and loud noises and exercising female grunts and Rude Jude speaking high pitched for no clear reason at all. WILSON stepped in to chat with the guys about the rollicking success of the Friday hotel show, and Cumtard let everybody know that he can’t do yoga cause those videos just eventually turn into porn in his mind and he opts to release the pressure in his doom spigot rather than attaining nirvana. Jason floated the idea of the drunken porn star workout which would basically (hopefully) convince guys looking for spank material to end up exercising instead. Wilson added that each DVD could have each different type of porn lady, like tattooed girls, blondes, BBW’s, well hung trannies, et-cetera. Tully ordered a pay-per-view wank movie from his cable company and found that the experience was fucking terrible and Comcast has shitty streaming speeds and doesn’t come anywhere close to the quality and customer service of the internet and it’s endless treasure trove of carnal extreme sports. The guys played with the buttons a little more to find more sound drops that would work for FACTION: With Jason Ellis bumpers and it was just as much fun as all the other times they’ve revisited the old stuff on the button bar. It’s like visiting that old friend that sold you your first shot of smack back in junior high, only now he’s all about the designer drugs. Jude had never taken a trip down memory lane on the button bar so it seemed like a real treat for him to catch up on all the things he might have missed from precious moments passed. Unfortunately, he had to step out to go do his real job, but he did remind everybody that he did the ALS ice bucket challenge, and it’s on YouTube so if you want to laugh like an autistic howler monkey, go check it out. The guys took a break and let Lane Staley do the talking for a few minutes so they could figure out what the hell to do with the rest of our afternoons.

 

Hey, did you know Joanna Angel has her own radio show as well? It’s on Vivid Radio on SiriusXM and also at some other website too. She’s also got a call screener named Sapphire cause I mean, c’mon, you know what that lady does for a living? Of course Sapphire works on her radio show. So anyways, the guys called in to Lewd, Screwed and Tattooed which normally tends to be live phone sex (if I’m understanding the premise correctly)and chopped it up with Joanna for a bit and did a bit of show promo as well cause it’s all about folks helping each other out over at SiriusXM. When the guys got on air Joanna was talking to somebody about a tattooed Little Mermaid and how her and her female friend/co-host? need to bring a vibrator next time they see that lady. But then they put Ellis through and complimented his show and penis. They also contributed some of the most terrifying and hilarious porn-centric conversation that has probably ever been on Joanna’s show, and that’s saying something. Jason also explained how to get around that no insertion rule by jerking off the pussy the way Nina Hartley taught the guys to do that one time. Joanna also alluded to the fact that she will be smashing Katie’s box at some point in the future and I can’t think of anybody who’s not happy about that. In case you missed it on Instagram, Joanna stayed to hang out after the hotel show on Friday along with a bunch of the other ladies who were there and they all had a massive Greek orgy that would put the actual Greeks to shame. Or maybe Joanna was joking and everybody just got shit-hammered for two days cause sometimes that’s just what you need to do, but whatever the case, a good time was had by all. Some dude called in to say that Joanna has a “gorgeous meaty cunt” cause us dudes are disgusting, but no lie you ladies are too, although she was able to diffuse the use of the word cunt and get a fan to do some sort of favor so she would show her box on twitter. The guys let Joanna get back to work cause they had their own stuff to do, but they were very happy to talk to the Little Sister of the Jason Ellis Show. Remember that Ray Rice guy who should have slipped in to obscurity? Well, not more than a day has gone by and he’s back in the news again because of a lot of people’s reactions in the media, namely, Dean Cain!!! Cause fuck everything, I NEED TO KNOW WHAT DEAN CAIN THINKS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!!!! And of course in another SHOCKING display of what a pointless organization the tax exempt NFL is, coach Ditka chimed in that it was probably just a mistake on Ray’s part. Ray Rice’s wife chimed in on the whole situation and it’s hard for me to gauge whether or not she’s got permanent victim status etched into her psyche or if they’re actually moving on as a couple and don’t need the outside world’s opinion. The guys took some calls on the topic and it seems that the wife is blaming herself for everything and if it didn’t kind of sicken me how much we glorify people for all the wrong reasons in this society, I could form a much deeper opinion on all this, but long story short if you get in an argument keep your hands to yourself and hey what ever happened to dude am I a slut? Jason just said he’s kinda over it for now, might bring it back later but no particular plans to do so at the moment. The guys talked MMA for a bit, as they’re known to do from time to time. Jason finally got to catch up on all the fights he missed over the weekend and just had to dissect everything with the reasonable mind of Tully there to bounce everything off of. After all that, the guys took a break to set up some torture with a couple new acquaintances.

 

Don’t forget, unsigned bands is coming back soon, so send in your shitty sound clips for public ridicule. Two 90 year old lesbians got married after being with each other for 72 years cause I guess ladies really can’t let a grudge die or something like that. The guys brought in a couple of folks for a new game they cooked up called Pain for Plugs where people can come in and get free advertising in exchange for being attacked by squirrels or molesting themselves with an eel or whatever the hell else Jason can think of. The first guy they brought in was a proper Australian who’s got a business in So-cal selling proper Australian meat pies. He had to stick his hand in a box full of angry lizards and snakes but it sounds like he’s got a quality product and you should all go find a Pie Not meat pie and get it up ya. We also got a lesson about meat pies and how 7-11 in Australia sells them instead of hot dogs, but they’re essentially the same quality of instant food product substitute that’s only fit for human consumption when one is drunk to the point of openly shoplifting pre-heated processed white flour and grade D meat filling from a 7-11. After the meat pie guy, the boys took a break to regroup and clean up all the snake piss and blood that no doubt will haunt the new studio for years to come.

 

Tully found an advice column online called Dear Prudence and the guys decided to give their own take on some of the questions that people were asking. One guy sent in a letter saying that his wife’s sex drive had disappeared and he might have accidentally made a joke about giving his wife a knockout drug to get in her vajayjay and she said “well, since I don’t really want to have to look at your grotesque O-face ever again, sure, why the fuck not?” which no doubt would surprise anyone. Needless to say, it really begs the question, would you want to bang unconscious people? Or be unconscious while getting your vaj blown apart? The guys took some phone calls on whether or not there was anything the slightest bit okay about this and it continued to remind me that not all people are bad but there are people who are all bad all the time. It’s fair to note though, that having sex with an unconscious person will require a lot of lube unless she wakes up and actually starts enjoying it halfway through. A guy called in to thank Jason for helping him get off heroin and get away from gypsies cause you really can’t trust those mother fuckers, but probably not as much as you can’t trust a heroin addict, so win win for that guy and society at large. A lady called in to tell her experience with knocked out boot knockin’ and after her doctor prescribed her ambien she was having half awake dream sex with her man and it was fucking amazing but didn’t feel entirely real to her which seems to be the only downside to it but still possibly a workable angle if you’re in a committed honest arrangement with someone. The guys suggested that the next time it happens she should film it, cause couples that do home made porn together tend to have a lot of fun with it. It’s still pretty much agreed though, fucking the dead or otherwise incapacitated is just fucked up and weird and is a pleasure only reserved for politicians and the criminally insane. You could make a seriously awesome puppet show out of your lover’s carcass though, that’s always a recipe for fun. Tully decided to make a list of things to compare to each other, specifically which of each category is more metal. It begs one to wonder, are kittens or puppies more metal? Obviously kittens because they are miniaturized condensed evil, whereas puppies are wonderful. What about diarrhea or vomit? I mean, shitting blood is metal, as has been proven by Slipknot Cereal, but vomiting can happen for so many reasons as can diarrhea and those reasons can be equally not metal. Just to step up the question though, blood diarrhea or blood vomit? Diarrhea takes the win on this one cause a stream of blood flowing from one’s rectum is really the makings of an incredibly metal concept album. Next, Sinatra or Elvis? Sure, Sinatra smacked bitches and sang songs for the mob, but Elvis died eating fried chicken on the toilet. So, penis or vagina, which is more metal? This one was tough cause vaginas have evil inside of them and bleed for days on end, but penises are the more skull crushing aggressors in most situations. Golf or tennis? There was that one tennis player who did meth and had the craziest professional mullet ever, but Jason mentioned some golfer who apparently won and I didn’t catch the reason why. Next up, chainsaws or sawed off shotguns? As a lifelong devotee of the Evil Dead franchise and hopeful future adopted son of Bruce Campbell, I am satisfied with either answer cause he had both and he was cleaning up shop like a fucking boss in the backwoods of Michigan and medieval Britain. After that, Metallica or Slayer? Slayer just slightly won this one cause they’re not as popular and homeboy really can’t sing for shit and they’ve kept it that way for 30 years on purpose. Mexico or Canada? Well, Mexico has a lot more evil mythical creatures and free health care is the most anti-hesher social policy in existence. Heroin or Cocaine? Well, heroin is too much of a downer to get up and rage but cocaine keeps you angry paranoid and energetic for hours and hours of thrashing. Cancer or Heart disease? Well, cancer has no cure and erodes the body from the inside out and replicates as the most unacceptable lumps and lesions a human body can suffer, so cancer for the win! And while we’re talking diseases, The Plague or flesh eating bacteria? Plague definitely sounds more metal and it’s been around for hundreds of years. Piranha or giant squid? Squids are kind of pussies, so it’s obviously the murderous piranha. Competitive eating or parkour? Well, you can eat yourself to death and explode on the crowd in a shower of blood and feces, but nothing like that will ever happen in parkour. Wolves or sharks? I’ll give you a minute……

 

Wolves. Wolves are a cohesive unit, sharks are not that coordinated in their slaughter. Boulders or steel? Cocaine comes in boulders so that’s the winner. Darth Vader or the pope? Darth Vader is black and tortures people, but the pope? I mean, holy fuck the pope! He’s been the ruler of centuries of the most horrifying atrocities the world has ever seen and they’re continuing to this day AND IT’S NOT A FICTIONAL STORY (except that whole bible thing he writes his speeches from). Rainbows or unicorns? A horse with a horn can commit murder with the right rider on it’s back, so that’s that. Barney the dinosaur or Spongebob Squarepants? Barney is obviously some type of incredible sexual deviant that might have a few juvenile murders under his belt, but Spongebob is a sponge and his hands could barely meet over the top of his head, so you decide. Pirates or clowns? I haven’t seen a news report in this century about a pirate cannibalizing children, BUT CLOWNS HAVE! But then again, pirates do fuck shit up pretty hard to in their own right, so it may be too close to call. Burial or cremation? Well, fire gets you closer to Satan so cremation it is. And to trump that, what if it’s done to you while you’re still alive? STILL CREMATION!!! Vampires or werewolves? Vampires are too well groomed whereas werewolves are grimey and tortured and destroy everywhere they go. Spiders or snakes? Cold blood wins. Tampons or adult diapers? Well, that all depends whether or not you’re shitting blood. Freddy or Jason? Freddy is too much of a jester, Jason was just a misunderstood kid with a serial killer mom who decided to take over the family business when he returned from the dead. Steven Segal or Jean-Claud Van Damme? Segal did have that sex dungeon, but Van Damme kickboxed a guy with broken glass glued to his fingers in an underground dojo. Prison or Sea World? Prison, think back to sharks. Judas Priest or Iron Maiden? Buttfucking wins over bangs. Snow White or the Little Mermaid? Ariel was too slutty to be metal and Snow White definitely did a seven midget gang bang in the woods fucked up on the LSD found in many types of mold, like you might get on an apple. And finally, Dave Mustaine or Jimi Hendrix? Getting off alcohol is not metal enough, but he did get kicked out of Metallica which is pretty metal. The guys took a breather after all that metal to play us all some metal.

 

You know about fashion week, right? A few years ago, Hole played fashion week and they stiffed a guy on his bill to film them so he decided years later to release the footage of Courtney Love’s isolated vocals and guitar and much like that isolated track of Britney Spears, it shows a level of talent reserved for the mentally incapacitated or victims of severe brain trauma. If you didn’t catch it yesterday, The show is going to New York to do a bunch of radio and the debut performance of Horse Force and also play cricket against whoever decides  to show up. That’s all gonna be happening next month though, so let your boss know you’re gonna be calling in sick of their bullshit on the appropriate day in October. Jason played some of the raw audio of all the girls working out on Friday which really did sound like a massive Greek orgy so I guess mission accomplished. The guys took some final calls and stuff as their known to do, plus I have too much delay on the on-demand left to finish listening before Wednesday’s show comes on live and delaying this for four hours when it’s probably gonna be bullshit anyways is just ridiculous, so sit back and enjoy and fist yourself with a slow hand.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Friday 9/5/2014

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titties-are-out

Who wants champagne & titties?

It’s Friday, bitches! I’ll be your host for today, bitPimps here filling in for my brother from another vagina, AZ_RedDragon, while he’s off marrying his sister or watching his sister get married, I forget which. TJES is broadcasting live from the Roosevelt in Hollyweird, with a bunch of chicks with tits. Oh, and let’s not forget Hotdog & his donkey dick are there, ready to get some action. Of course the crew is there, except for Wilson – he’s back at the studio schmoozing up on Shannon The Animal Gunz. Nipplopolis and her husband are there, so is Fonzo – lucky fuckers. Everyone has been notified that Hotdog is a virgin and has never felt a boob, a butt, or anything. Oh, by the way, this is all streaming free on OfficialJasonEllis.com. Jetta tried to rally the girls to play some nude limbo, not a single chick spoke up. So Katie tried to rally the girls to see if anyone wanted to do some nude arm wrestling against her, nobody said shit again until finally one of the girls nominated another girl to do it. Champagne is popping to try and get the girls to loosen up and participate in anything other than chatting with each other. On an odd / interesting note, Joanna Angel doesn’t like her nipples played with, but she’s cool with 6 dicks and a finger in her ass. Go figure. Joanna started to dominate Katie, she really came out of the gate strong by asking her to sit / lay down. hahaa Things turned a little more violent after Katie was being choked & asked to be slapped, which Joanna obliged to the point she thought maybe Ellis was going to beat her up for slapping Katie so hard.

butt-blocker

The only time in history nobody complained about the camera being blocked.

Back from break and it’s time for Katie to defend her arm wrestling title, this time against Jessie Lee. Two more chicks arm wrestled for Over The Top supremacy and the Mexican chick straight up cheated by using both hands and an illegal titty grab on her opponent. Some chick there who writes porn & tests out masturbation products for women has not tested a product because she was worried that it might produce air in her vagina which would kill her via air-embolism. Anyway, she lost her arm wrestling bout. Two more chicks are up for their turn at the Over The Top challenge, the cheating Mexican and a fully mixed chick with a ghetto booty. I think the half-breed chick won, then she went for the previous winner and took her out as well. Now is the championship round with Katie and Larry? I don’t know, that’s what it sounded like, it’s the mixed breed chick. So they go at it left handed and Katie won. Next round was right handed and mixed chick won. Vagina inflation update from Cumtard, theoretically, you could die from air in your vagina. Now, on to limbo, except nobody wants to limbo – at least not in without a nice set of heels to wear. Things finally started getting under way with about 6-8 contestants. It got whittled down to a group of 3 super flexible women, all of whom tied for champion of the limbo contest. For his efforts holding the limbo pole, Hotdog got a hot Mexican’s ass twerking on his pee-pee.

tullys-ass

What could be better than a hot chicks ass? Tully’s ass.

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Hotdog going to do man work, feeling boobs!

Back from break and we got a story of a man whose buddy stuck an air-compressor hose in his buddies ass and blew his guts up. Oh, and food is now served! Hotdog has disappeared into the bathroom, allegedly to get a quick jerk session in before he starts judging boobs. He may also be a little drunk already, after-all he’s only had a peanut butter & marshmallow sandwich to eat so far. But enough about blown out guts and sandwiches, let’s get Hotdog feeling some boobies. He’s going to freestyle how he feels them, no coaching involved. He’ll be standing behind each set of tits, taking the back route, under the arm, all the way to titty-ville. So the first set of tits are from Jessie Lee, and how did Hotdog like them? “I can’t lie, they feel pretty awesome.” was his lackluster response. Second set of titties, I don’t know this chicks name, his response was pretty much the same, except he added he thinks he might like bigger tits better, to a set of smaller tits. Class act, that Hotdog. hahaa Third set of tits were those of Phoenix Askani, she’s into buttholes and weed, and she’s drunk. Hotdog grabbed his 3rd set of tits and Phoenix feels like she’s getting a mammogram. Fourth set of titties are those from someone I don’t know, she doesn’t know her own Twitter, so it’s cool. He not only felt her boobies, she showed him her wee-wat. Fifth set of titties are those of Jenna Valentine, she has massive jugs and Hotdog had to really put his back into it. In the end, who won? Everyone. Fuck it, when tits are out, there are no losers.

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Fonzo didn’t realize winning meant he’d have to be that close to Cumtard’s ass tail.

Back from break and it’s time for some chicks to workout, breathe heavy, and say stuff. Brendan Schaub and Bryan Callen have showed up, strictly in a professional capacity of course. There’s about 10 girls participating in this at the same time. Some girls will be doing squats with kettle bells while the others will be doing ladder climbs for 45 seconds to 1 minute. I’ve gotta pull a Hotdog here and say, I’m not gonna lie, it started out sounding like that German gape porn and turned into something out of one of the Saw movies or something. hahaha The Mexican chick is telling her story about almost lighting a man on fire to Callen and Schaub – you may remember how into pain play Callen was last time he was on the show. Brendan Schaub will now show the girls some Jiu-Jitsu technique by laying on his back while a girl will get into his guard and try to escape or tap out. After she taps (or escapes hahaha) another girl will take her place to try escaping as well. But first, Callen has to get in a 5% gay guard to show the girls what they will be doing and the girls are demanding Schaub takes off his shirt. Schaub took out three chicks as well as a surprise attack by Katie, so Schaub gets to have his arm raised for beating up 3 different chicks. The ladies are starting to sound like drunk construction workers making cat calls and getting a little rapey with there demands to get Schaub nude, grab his dick, etc. He may need to be escorted out with security, I don’t know. It’s time for a break and the pin the tail on the donkey, or “stick a pin in Cumtard’s ass”, whatever you wanna call it. And yes, he will donning the C-string.

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MumTard must be so proud of her little CumAngel.

Back from break and Cumtard and his yam bag in a c-string are apparently a hit with the ladies, they keep screaming and smacking his ass. Whitney is enamored by Cumtard’s c-string. It took awhile to get the ladies going as they were on the bed taking pictures and such. Eventually things got under way and some ladies put some pins right in his curdled ass. Phoenix seemed to really take pleasure in her turn as she not only stuck the pin in his ass, but then proceeded to slap it home several times. This Dave dude from the UFC who came with Whitney via Onnit has given Cumtard his last warning, his dick is way too close for comfort. Oh yeah, and that Kellie chick who is friends with Katie took the body wash she co-created with Ellis and ate some of it, it tasted salty. There ya go. Chicks were also getting some anal lube from their throats. Somewhere along the way, Christian Hand snuck his way into the party, he’s never turns down an opportunity to meet some semi-naked hot chicks. The remainder of the show was spent talking with “Mr. Miami Club Scene” Brendan Schaub, fighting, UFC, and big booty babes he doesn’t discriminate against. Ellis is off to Minnesota, he will be racing this weekend and it will be on some ABC Sports channel, so check that out if you want. And there you have it folks. Enjoy your weekend, like the rest of us enjoyed your mother, over, and over, and over, and over… Rinse & repeat.