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Show Re-cap for Thursday 10/3/2013

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Today’s show was a highly anticipated one by all listeners as yesterday we were left with a ‘Best Of’ and a vague tweet from Jason which was interpreted by many as gloom and doom-y as possible. My twitter feed exploded with people vowing to drop their Sirius subscription, rallying for a fight, and pledging their allegiance to Ellisfam- and the always wonderful BitPimps helped calm many (or at least me, and I sort of count in the lesser grand scheme of things) with a post telling everyone to keep calm and harden the fuck up. Or something like that. But seriously, I spent the afternoon yesterday rationalising to myself all of the reasons that he couldn’t have been spontaneously fired and dreaming that he finally landed a television show after someone saw him on KTLA and saying, “He’s fucking amazing! Why doesn’t he have his own TV show?!?!?!?!?”

Getting right into it, skipping the intro music and ditching the robot voice, Ellis knew the listeners were waiting to know what the fuck happened yesterday and didn’t make anyone wait longer than necessary. In a nutshell: Will called Ellis yesterday as Ellis was driving in to the studio to tell him that someone at SiriusXM told him that some of there area was being hijacked (office space and the green room) to be turned into offices for someone else’s sales department and his studio was no longer going to be his studio, he was going to be sharing it with whomever else they decided to throw in there. Ellis said, “I didn’t agree to that” while thinking ‘I’m the fucking King of the West and last time we talked we all agreed that I deserve everything I’m asking for’ and decided to forgo doing the show because he’s a man who stands his ground. The ending is that the Big Bosses at SiriusXM worked everything out and said it was all a big mistake, and if that’s good enough for Ellis then that should be good enough for everyone. He is trying to do what is best for the show, get a producer, get the people working with him the money they deserve, and continue to do bigger and better things. The whole ordeal left him stressed out, talking about moving in with Katie, selling his car, and becoming a male prostitute, but once it was worked out it left him more driven then ever. Which is great. There’s nothing wrong with taking a stand.

Moving on.

Yesterday morning Ellis was on KTLA, which to my understanding is a morning talk show over in California, and he was awesome. He had a great time doing it, and thought it was hilarious that the teeny tiny female anchor was so pathetically weak that when she punched him she almost fell over. You should watch the clip, if you haven’t already, because Ellis is entertaining as hell and I realllllllllly find it hardd to believe that no one has given him his own TV show yet. Seriously, I don’t watch TV because there is nothing on it that is worth watching anyway, but I would tune in to watch tiny chicks punching a big tattooed Aussie in the face any day of the week. If you wouldn’t do the same…you suck and you’re lying to yourself. KTLA also served as a great place to plug Ellismania 9 as Sam Ruben is an anchor on KTLA, so they could talk about his upcoming fight with Tera Patrick.

Speaking of fighting…but wait no…because the TV has been installed in the studio!!!!! They spend a good few minutes commentating to random television and commercials (at some point one of them mentions that they are watching The Chew) while Wilson is begging them in the background to stop watching the tv and talking about it because the listeners can’t see what they are talking about and it was his worst fear coming to life. The Jason Ellis Show briefly turned into a bunch of guys on the radio reacting to things that they were seeing on tv and…still managing to be entertaining. Poor Wilson.

Speaking of fighting, but this time really, guess who sent Ellis a skateboard in the mail which featured Bruce Lee? You aren’t going to guess. It wasn’t Tony Hawk, or Nicole Richie, or Tatiana Ali…it was Dana White. A guy that Ellis is friends with that he can’t believe he is friends with. General consensus is that the Bruce Lee skateboard will be mounted on the wall in the studio, because that’s cool as shit. And…speaking of Dana White, the Ultimate Fighter was on last night. Ellis watched it and the guy with the earrings got beat up. That is all. This led to Ellis talking about his sparring partner last night, who was a fat mexican guy wearing a shirt that had a fat joke on it, because sometimes it’s just awesome to laugh at yourself. He didn’t look like the kind of guy who could do three three minute rounds, but he did and Ellis had a good time. Ellis talks about how awesome it is for people to go to the ‘real’ gym (read- boxing gym) to get in shape as opposed to mindlessly slapping their feet to the beat of ‘duh’ on the treadmill, because not only are they getting in shape and losing weight, but they are learning skills and staying engaged and interested. Rawdog thinks that you can get the same workout and health benefits from running on a treadmill and says that some people find it medatative. He also apparently thinks that he could run on a treadmill blindfolded. And he was wrong. Until he changed his mind and became right. Tully ran for a little while, not on a treadmill, and says he always felt like he was skiing or flying and it was a cool feeling, but he didn’t stick with it.

There were shots fired at the Capitol in Washington DC. Why is food on television so goddamn entertaining when it leaves you so unfulfilled? Look at them feeding all of the health food to the fat guy? Why are they zooming in and slow-mo-ing the old guy dancing? These are all questions you hear when you put a tv in a room of guys doing radio. TJES was a little bit ADD for a while. But seriously, what IS up with food tv? Ellis, Rawdog, and Tully all seem a little flumoxed over it as there is no satisfaction to be garnered from watching people cook and eat food on tv. So why do people do it? Why do women do it? Because it’s filler tv that you can just put on and space out to, clean the house, do the laundry, and you’re not really missing anything. Just like with soap operas. Take Ellis’s advice and just watch Spongebob, because the Bob always delivers. Tully brings up the point of porn (not food porn) because at least with porn, if you’re masturbating to it, you are getting some satisfaction. There is no food equivalent to this. If you are watching food tv, most likely the only thing that you are getting is hungry, and probably curious about what the fuck the EVOO shit is that Rachel Ray keeps talking about. It’s extra virgin olive oil.

The Hurricane was a boxer, not a natural disaster, who was falsely accused of murder and convicted of it back in the 60’s at the height of his boxing career. Which really sucks. What sucks even more was that he spent 20 years in jail and Bob Dylan wrote a song about him before some teenager finally managed to help get him a retrial and get him the fuck out of jail. Denzel Washington played him in the movie about this whole incident, and I’m wondering if they fit in the part where after he got out of prison he defected from America to our cousins in the North and moved to Toronto where he continued to be falsely accused of crime. At least the cops in Toronto realized their mistake in less than 20 years and released him- presumably with a “My bad, eh?” and a hearty Canadian handshake. Ellis thinks that Canada is a good place for black people because the people there are less racist. Tully thinks that the Hurricane is looking a little crazy these days…but that’s probably something that happens when the White Man steals 20 years of your life. Sorry, Hurricane.

If your wondering why you’re still paying taxes during the shutdown of the federal government, wonder no more, as the FBI shut down silkroad.com- a website which was the online black market and dealt with goods on the wrong side of savory like heroin, cocaine, stolen credit cards, and child porn. Go feebs!! But, no, Tully still found that there are plenty places online to continue buying heroin. So, basically your taxes are paying for the Congressional salaries that don’t get affected by furlough. Fuck. Shit. Maybe that’s what the shooting at the Capitol was about.

Tully and Katie are undertaking Onnit’s ‘Look Good Naked’ challenge and today was Challenge Day One! Tully is going to look great in a speedo for his vacation when the challenge is over and Katie…is hot already, but there’s nothing wrong with getting in shape and we get to listed to her huff, puff, squeak, and moan. For The Win. The Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge is for everyone who wants to look better naked (who doesn’t) and it’s done three days a week for three weeks, with each week adding on more cycles of the exercises…or reps..or whatever you call them (because I’m that dumb gym bunny who is not down with the lingo) and the exercises they did were rope slams, alternating plial lunges, rope alternating uppercuts, push-up free burpees, and ab boat rowing. We got to hear what Tully and Katie sound like in the sack (Katie sounds better) and both of them did a really good job. Josh should be doing the challenge so that he could be ready for the fight at Ellismania 9 he’s participating in in a week and a half, but he isn’t, because what’s the point when everyone is rooting for him to lose anyway? Whaaaaaaaaaaa. No, Josh, Tully and Ellis are on your side and really want you to win, they just know that you don’t take fitness seriously and you talk funny and you admittedly could be working a lot harder to get ready for the fight. Fuck the fight, anyway! You should be doing the challenge in preperation for the FuckFest taking place afterward (which you WILL need an Ellismania ticket to participate in, if interested) because that’s gonna take hella lotta cardio stamina to get through. Ellisfam doesn’t fuck around. At FuckFests. Or maybe, yeah?

Go get your Ellismania 9 tickets!!!! Time is running out!!!! You don’t want to miss it like me, do you?!?!?!?!?! Of course you don’t!!! Tickets are at Ticketmaster.com and I can tell you to go get them and go to Vegas because I don’t work for The Jason Ellis Show or SiriusXM. I don’t care if it’s your prerogative or not…go buy them and have a good time and meet the awesome fuckers from this site and party. You will have the oppurtunity to see Ellis fight Gabe Ruediger, Rawdog fight Nick Swardson, watch the prisoner fight, girl fight, leprechaun fight, musical chair fight, and more!!!!!!

There was a gathering in NYC of a crotch rocket club called the Hollywood Stuntz Race which resulted in some Ninja Knack Knack Champion of the World biker assholes chasing down a guy in a Range Rover where one of the bikers proceeded to break the driver’s side window with his helmet to pull the driver from the car and beat the ever loving shit out of him in front of his wife and toddler. Hmmmm…yes it’s true that the Range Rover put one of the biker’s in the hospital with some really bad injuries, but the biker in question was blocking in the RR and the driver was trying to get away. Bikers have a bad enough rep for no reason without bikers on crotch rockets giving them a reason. Seems like this involved a bunch of biker guys who were looking for a fight. In other bike news, apparently there are gangs of hipster bicyclists across the nation who are biking for their right to disobey traffic laws and ride drunk with police escorts so they don’t get hit while running red lights. Are you fucking kidding me? I agree with Tully, these people are fucktards who are angry with the world and are tying their anger to a pointless cause and wrecking it for themselves because they are assholes.

Wilson leads the guys in a game of Google Auto Complete Says What? with the theme of prejudices. We learn that the English speaking users of google are wondering about stinky french people, chinese cat food (made from cats), Jews refusing to shop at Hitler or leave Iran (NOT the Holy Land), Italians who don’t wear shorts, Koreans without souls, Japanese people who don’t say ‘I love you’, Indians who can’t say no or swim, Russians who don’t die, Aussie’s who all don’t like peanut butter (because they have the superior vegimite), and women who believe in wedge loafers. Will takes offense to google auto complete shining a light on the fact that people are asking google why white people have no lips, because he has kissable bee-stung lips that fix computer moniters with a single kiss.

During final calls (where none of the final calls were of show-ending standard) the conversation turned to Mia Farrow hinting at Frank Sinatra being her baby daddy instead of Woody Allen, Justin Bieber being carried on the shoulders of two black men on the Great Wall of China, and Miley Cyrus. Why they hell is there such an outrage about everything Miley does? Tully and Ellis bring up the point that there is nothing she is doing now that the other Disney Darlings weren’t doing ten years ago and that Madonna wasn’t doing 100 years ago (or however old she is). Rawdog thinks Sinead O’Connor has some good points in her open letter to Miley, which Miley dissed on twitter because she’s Miley and she’ll lick all of the hammers she wants while swinging naked on wrecking balls because that shit sells. Ellis is right, she knows what she’s doing and she knows what is going to keep people talking about her. The reason people freak out more about Miley? Because she was Hannah Montana and a billion 5 year olds want to do everything she does…she didn’t start out in a sexy school girl outfit or belly dancing her way out of a genie bottle, she started out wanting the Best of Both Worlds and doing the Hoedown Throwdown, so parents the world over don’t want their children witnessing what happens when someone grows up because they don’t want to be involved enough in their children’s lives to teach them right from wrong themselves.

If you have never seen the Boondock Saints, or if you haven’t seen it in a long time, go watch it on Netflix so you can know what everyone is talking about on the show on Monday. Rawdog and Tully have never seen the movie and have committed to watching it over the weekend and discussing it with Ellis on Monday’s show. Also, if you are a man or a woman who thinks they can beat out the current reigning Little Miss Jason Ellis, or if you are an unsigned band or an unsigned fart, show the guys what you have and send it to ellisparodies@gmail.com. Tomorrow, Ellis will be giving away tickets to Ellismania, so if you are going to Vegas and haven’t gotten your tickets, listen to the show tomorrow and score some freebies!!!!

Things we learned:

Mario Batali kept his restaurant open on 9/11 to fight terrorism

Tiggie threw Daddy under the bus at school for having a black eye

Ellis is driving to Ellismania and doesn’t need a plane ticket

If Ellis makes it to 80 he may just have 5 wives

Ellis’s grandfather was a tranny late in life and was damn happy because of it

ALL MEN HAVE PUSSIES…in their prostate

Katie likes Hanna Montana but hates that Miley stole her haircut

Terry Crewes is bumping asses with Dr. Oz (who looks like a zombie)

Hipster messenger bag bicyclists are fucking assholes

Stunt Riding on motorcycles is not a real sport

Ellis will kill american ninjas

Katy Perry is a better singer than Miley Cyrus

Ellis would give up everything he has to have his brother back

 

 

 

Show Re-cap for Thursday 8/15/13

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You know how you can just look at the lady walking accross the street on her cell, and the chevy caviler doing a buck n change, also on the cell phone, and envision them meeting one another on a new episode of Most Shocking?  Yeah well thats called seeing the future, and who else is better at this than The Future himself.  Tully recogns its a dad thing and being SuperDad himself, and who am I to argue.  Who can argue with some of the stories we fans send into the show, you know the one’s with a dude, well a dude’s head, attached to a bag, and how you “Gotta check this shit out”.  Tully apparently gets a few hundred of those a day, which only means Ellis must get millions and RawDog, well lets just say he was giggling the whole time and is known to be a bit tweaked.  Maybe he’s sending them all from various fake twitter handles, but I digress.  Instead may I offer you a heart warmer story of how magnets do work, well that they do their job, cause no one knows how the fuck those things work.  No one in Nascar seems to know how to make a fucking right, right!  Yeah so the boys threw around some Nascar/Kimbo Slice stories all of which are available On Demand with the SiriusXM app.  You could also catch the replay tomorrow via the online player, but not if your RawDog…..Today may be the saddest day in Ellis Show history, well except for the day Josh n Jason made out, as RawDog’s computer has passed away to ghetto gigabyte heaven.  From there I kinda teared up and wasn’t myself ofr a mintue, I mean I feel for the guy, so I all really got after that was that everyone must surf to save energy to avoid nuking babies, yeah thats about right!

 

CBS's "Elite XC Saturday Night Fights" Press Conference

What rock jungle did you crawl out of? Well considering amazon.com is located in Brazil, Im not fucking with these dudes.  I’m also not fucking with Joe Rogan, because he’d tweet my phone number and shit to get back at me.  He would be an awesome announcer for EllisMania, but since he ain’t been asked its not looking good.  Rabid wolves looked good, on a t-shirt and front and center at the LA Zoo, but for a limited time only I’m guessing.  Apparently Tully says they like to eat dogs when all hoped up on the rabies, and they enjoy humans too (Didn’t catch if thats to hang out or to eat, but Im willing to roll those dice).  They also eat you while your alive, which is really thoughtful since you’d just want it over with as slow and painful as possible.  Rabid wolves can also been seen at the Hard Rock in Vegas this Saturday, October 12th and again, they are not harmful…..as long as you don’t spill their beer!  Seriously folks I kinda missed a bit of the show but like Ellis do ponder if the bear proof steal suit guy could befriend rabid wolves cause he’s all inedible n what not.  From there it was just gifts from Will not Pendarvis for all the boys to enojy such as Tim Tams and Caramel Koalas.  Not EllisMate though, he’s gotta train to have all his mental energy to rig this upcomnig fight, so Tully n RawDog I say Good On Ya!

If your a dude born as a chic and you know it clap your dick!!  And while your at it move your ass out to Cali baby where you can choose which bathroom you wanna use in elementary school.  Kinda gonna put an end to Pimping Aint Easy, and shitty women’s basketball one could hope!  Shout out to EllisFam Zach Howard who won the Ellis T-Shirt contest and will be receiving a new Wolfknives ring and a collab with The Wing to get this puppy up for sale!  No shout out to those who sent in bomb drops cause TJES still needs a good clean bomb drop if you got one laying around.  I guess Will Jizz Cult Pendarvis III has wolfknive names laying around cause some of the shit he had today was just miraculous.  Such ledges as The Shocker, Holy Diver, The Tank, and who could forget Mr. Freezer.  He did pull Kansas City Guacamole out of his ass, but thats just what he’s into since he’s got him that sketchy swordfish nutjob for his nut jobs, allegedly of course.  So some baby in India blew up for like the 4th time, just minutes before they put my ass on hold to pay my cable bill.  Its some phenomenon that people can just combust spontaneously, kinda like premature ejaculation for but a burning sensation before and during as opposed to after.  That almost happened to Lance Mountain one time, not the early wad thing but the combustion deal.  He lit a rag on fire after gassing up his board on his final run, but was too fast for that shit to catch so I’m guessing lost to “Hey Hey, It’s Tony Hawk” but who hasn’t.

 

Rabid+Wolf

Teen Advice anyone?  I mean how can you tell if your gay?  What if your pee is a dark brown, could something be wrong?  How do you tell your girl to spot slapping and pinching you cause its hurting you?  Who would buy a pack of socks to jerk off in? Oh, RawDog is the answer to that last one.  Turns out The Illusionist makes his junk disappear into a pair of Hanes finest, but by himself as opposed to with two other dudes!  Not anymore though as we all know he’s tagging more ass than something that tags a lot of asses, and why not.  We all know the dudes who were cool in school grew up to be a tool, and those who fucked off turned out to be millionaires.  Don’t believe me, then call 855-ELLIS41 at 7am on the east side, 4am on the west, and yell “FORE”.  Not sure what the hell that is suppose to mean, but final calls can be shaky at times.  Speaking of shaky, I was at Shakey’s one time when I noticed these two fine chics one the other side of the salad bar.  So I shoved a cucumber in my pants to make them think I had a dick like a snake, you know for ultimate satisfaction, and proceeded past the diced carrots to get a closer look.  I get around to the other side and ask this massive whale of a beast if she saw two ladies just here a second ago, and as she turns around I see a huge streak of shit stain drool down the front of her blouse only to realize my mistake……I didn’t look at her face, OH!

Show Re-cap for Monday 6/24/2013

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Happy Fuck Yeah Day!

Happy Fuck Yeah Day!

Happy ‘Fuck Yeah’ Day to you and yours, thanks to the one, the only Young Wing.  It’s true, we no longer refer to today as Monday, but just Fuck Yeah Day, google that shit if you don’t believe me.  While your at, google how fucking sweet hard candies are, especially the red ones per Ellismate, but fuck the Yellow!  Pound for pound, Dingo questioned what hard candy was, I mean fuck bro your grandma has that shit on hand without question, and I should know!  You should know to never trust a hash tag, or any commercials for that matter.  If you do find yourself with millions to spend, just make your own commercial, not advertising anything other than your sweet ass self!  If you have hundreds to spend, you can get a billboard and be sweeter than the majority.  If you find yourself like me with a few singles to drop, will post your shit on NoYouAre, OH!  Sorry that wasn’t funnier, and Tully’s sorry he isn’t sorry.  Meanwhile, Dingo says coke is still raging on the scene, but not like the 80’s – Molly is the new meth in case you were wondering.  What about Rawdog you ask?  he’s sick and on the show, infecting millions of #EllisFam with his Radio Jihad, despite knowing Jason’s rules on bringing Aids into Swinghouse’s Shitbox.  On a much more positive note, Ellismate had one of these this weekend, and it all started with Twitch hooking him up with a free room.  The skinny, moto with the kids who instead wanted to go to Grandma’s, so Movies and room service…..but then Ellis did get to take Tiger to Pala and roll a little, but Young Young Wing rolls a lot and with no regard for Fuck Yeah Day.  Sure he own’s it on a BMX, but this was only his third time riding and he fucked shit up, even putting it to some little girl who couldn’t pass Tiger, despite her ‘Moto Families’ constant push.  Hell of a day  for the little guy I’d say, far from the day Rawdog, the other little guy had on Friday.  Tully brought it up, cause he pissed in the Illusionist’s Puke, and he liked it!  So I ask you America, and Canada, and of the coast of Madagascar, how do you baby sit Rawdog?  Ask if he’s sick today, check if he’s had any chic-fil-a, and make sure he flushes the toilet – atta boy!

 

 

 

key_art_hollywood_newsPaula Dean apologized, a few times, and still didn’t quite get it right.  But turns out thats enough for Rawdog to still eat at her restaurants, zing!  Kanye West and Kim Kardashian blah blah blah blah blah.  Aaron Carter got fucked up.  Jim Carrey is in Kick Ass 2 against his own will.  Vagina is ok in the Ellis house, but not Ass or Dick!  Taylor Swift has a stinky box….would have been a much more successful shirt.  Michael Jackson would have died either way after roughly 60 consecutive days without sleep.  Scottie Pippen beat the shit out of some dude in Malibu.  Justin Bieber is banned from a Vegas Club……a sky diving club!  If you got shit tons of money, you can rent like DiCaprio or Willis’ pad per day or month, but you don’t so fuck off.  Scott Weiland got hitched while Will Smith got ditched from the Independence Day sequels coming soon.

 

 

I am.........Turd Man!

Turd Man and the NYPD working together at last

God Bless You! cause you are that fucking important after all.  What if God did bless you, with one wish, would you ask he “cake you in the right direction”?  Really people, what can God do for you?  If your Rawdog, and you overcome the urge to ask for money cause thats how your wired, you’d obviously want to be taller.  Tully would just ask for money.  Ellismate, his athletical abilities back, and some luscious locks while your at it!  Of course they all missed the most obvious choice, super powers.  The catch, cause there always is, you can’t choose your name.  So no Super Jew, or Jewper Man, nah son your Golem a.k.a. Turd Man!  Now thats outta the way, what to do with these God giving super powers?  If your a fan of Doing Stuff With Rawdog, may I suggest you listen to the replay tomorrow and Bob’s Your Uncle.  Let’s just say the Mexican Drug Cartel and Al Qaeda ain’t sweating shit with this doofus on the loose.  Turd Man not only lacks simple North/South direction, but he couldn’t find water if he fell out of your mom’s anus.  From bullets ricocheting and killing civilians to somehow only the United State of Delaware surviving Tully’s wrath, truly a good time for all those involved!  Oh, and you get a bonus Rawdog workout segment too with a generous and well deserved round of applause, you furry mother fucker you!

 

 

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Purple Limp Erections Are Kinda Godly!

Penis Pumps, Dick Pills, and do any hair restoring products truly work?  Yeah you may wanna just stop after the last segment if you do catch that replay I was telling you about, but when in Miami!  Penis pumps will get you that nice cold numb purple limp boner you’ve been looking for cause penis pumps fucking rule!  Viagra is ten times better, so just on math alone Viagra fucking rules!  No one really called on the hair care tip, but there were certainly enough Rawdog pity party pussies on the phones to fill the void.  From there, straight ass n booze, I mean another Ellis and Rawdog war of words.  Those two argue like brothers, or little girls, or your mom n dad when I forget my socks again.  You see, its kinda like Bobby Fisher and your grandmother battling over a grueling game of chess, with the inevitable God giving super powers waiting in the wings for the champion to seize and abuse.  Now your grandmama ain’t ever been known to win even a game of checkers, but on this said day, well let’s just say thats how she always knows when and where Turd Man, or just a turd in general is going to be, OH!

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/25/13

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Lets talk about our emotions, and how they effect us each and every Thursday. If your getting high to hide your emotions, well that’s not good.  If your using music to feel your emotions well that’s fucking sweet.  Therefore if your high and listening to music, you’ve figured out the meaning of life.  And welcome to today’s show and straight into how Jersey Shore is expanding like Wu-Tang, everyone’s getting their own show on MTV, but not Ellis, FUCK!  No one wants to pick up ol’ MC Hollywood for a season or two?  Not Rawdog, who claims to be from Hollywood but really is better know as Mr. Marina Del Ray, but Ellismate, who is not from Hollywood so could claim to be MC Hollywood, is better know as MC Sanderingham.  Mr. New Jersey, who claims to be Mr. New York, and better know as Mr. Oxford as far as I’m concerned, had to roll the fuck out for a few to get Ellis some Codeine for his Aids he’s getting.  Without Tully in studio, talk went to washer’s and dryers, and of course Rawdog’s dick.  Oh, let me explain that…..you see Ellis just moved in so he needs a new washer and dryer, and Rawdog could use one but doesn’t have the cash for it allegedly.  Oh, and Rawdog is going to his gay roommates party and is figruing out his best lines for getting some stank on his hang down.  So far, Rawdog’s best bet is to quote the average dick size of 5 1/4″, and immediately notify them he’s packing a clean 7″ of Taint Stick.

 

...if your under the magic 5.25 inches!

…if your under the magic 5.25 inches!

 

Apparently all people in South Korea look the same, even in beauty pageants, or so I learned on TJES!  I also learneded that Mike Jasper is pretty fucking gnarly too.  If you don’t recall Mike is the dude Ellis was sparring a few weeks ago on EllisMania.com, the cool one who didn’t beat the shit out of him too bad, much respect.  Dude is a perfect 6-0 in professional fights, but said he did have a fight in Vegas that didn’t technically count in which he did get knocked out, and that’s one he remembers.  Dude’s a warrior, and practices the Dolce Diet too so get it up ya if ya haven’t yet!  I missed about 10 minutes of the interview, only to come back to Joe Rowe using some training mask in preparation for this year’s Bong Olympics, Red Dragons to you my friend!  Back to Jasper the Angry Ghost, and shout out to him for bringing tickets to give to #EllisFam for his upcoming fight May 11th in Woodlands Hills, CA.  He’ll be beating the shit out of Lee Chapman who is 4-8 for another couple of weeks.  So wonder what this mutha fucker here can do on the punch machine?  Well not sure what happened really, maybe he was psyched out from Branden Schaub’s score was less than Ellis’s, or maybe he just missed that stupid fucking star in the middle, but he topped out at a 56.  Hey dude, at least you beat Rawdog!  In MMA News, Anderson Silva could beat Rawdog too, even after his new contract extending him for 12 more fights in all.  Crazy Bones Jones said he’s got some record to set first before fighting in another weight class, in case you were wondering.  Kimbo Slice still exists, knocking MoFo’s out in Australia!  Finally, and most improtantly of all, it was rumored that Ellis’ next fight at Ellismania may be a rematch with Gay Bruediger, but kickboxing this time!

 

Sorry Kimbo, I wasn't saying you didn't exist...

Sorry Kimbo, I wasn’t saying you didn’t exist…

 

It’s that time of year again folks, time to vote for your favorite to be the 2013 Twisty’s Treat Of The Year.  Say hello to Spencer Scott and Karlie Montana, two of the contestants for this contest I speak of.  Apparently the winner gets some money, a diamond necklace, and one grand for a charity of their choice.  Wonder what that charity would be?  “Um, I don’t have a clue, maybe Um animals?”  Let me ask you this EllisFam, do all the dumb bitches come on the show on Thursday’s?  Here’s what you didn’t miss, a four part contest to see who you should vote for.  In round 1, Spencer is proud of her blow job accomplishments, is best at everything in bed, and fucks like Bill Clinton.  Karlie spits load of 34 story buildings in Canada, wishes she had no tonsils to get the dick in further, an thinks squirting is the greatest thing achieved of the last century – guess who won!  Round 2 was phone sex with callers, using voice altermacation of course, but only Karlie was down to phone fuck, Spencer pussed out.  Round 3 was the punch machine, Spencer 36, Karlie 39.  Round 4 was for Ellis to sniff a line of their pussy and judge.  Karlie’s was like America and Monster Energy in one.  Spencer’s, besides not even being in the competition, apparently smelled all fruity and shit, so again guess who won.  4 – 0 sweep, bottom line folks, don’t waste your time on this shit and just enjoy your weekend!

 

Sham-WOW!

 

Hollywood News anyone?  Cops in Stockholm, Sweden say Justin Bieber was rolling with weed and a stun gun, but arrested him only because he was hanging with that Lil Za fucker again, damn Biebs!  Bieber was also late to some photo shoot and another concert, but fuck off ok!  Some dude from the Nappy Roots got beat down by Po Po Mo Fo!  Remember that whole “Don’t you know who I am” from Reese Witherspoon the other day, turns out someone looked up other times that shit happened and Bob’s Your Uncle.  In other Hollywood News, Ellis say’s don’t watch The Crow cause it fucking sucks now, and some dude did a ton of blow in it and got all sleepy n shit, and that doesn’t really happen.  I kinda sorta missed a little more of the show, only to come back to Beanie Sigel, Memphis Bleek and Ellismate all in a cab, shooting it out with Jay Z, all inside of some chics carnival…..but I never did find out her name!  Bruno Mars says fuck Joe’s Crab Shack.  And finally La Toya Jackson says Michael Jackson’s ghost tap dancers in her house, never mind!  Teen Advice, need some, get some – well ok maybe not really, but if you’ve ever questioned whether Ellis, Rawdog or Tully would fuck a clone of them self, No Way for Tully, Why Not for RawDizzle, and Yes For A MTV Show for Young Wing.  For the rest of them, I think Tully put it best when he suggested ‘move to the sewer and become lord of the underground’.  Except for that one 17year old lesbo who’s gonna eventually fuck her teacher, good luck!  And as far as any suggestions for your grandmama, how about five and a quarter inches is all I’ll put in if you don’t shut the fuck up, OH!

 

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Thursday 4/11/13

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Rape Dragons!

                      Rape Dragons!

You’d think today was like any other Thursday, but nah mate you are, and things were a bit off today.  The romper stomper intro just wasn’t doing it for ol’ Ellismate.  No Rawdog today, still got the jew aids, which Ellis thinks he may be getting too which sucks Will’s toe.  Just weird was all, but not a sign of loosing it by any means.  But what if Ellis or Tully lost it, and not just their radio goldness, but their overall shit?  Tully plans to have a trusted few to which he can ask just that, and if they all agree he’s off his rocker, then it must be true.  Of course we all remember Ellis retirement plan…..Heroin n XBox.  But again like I said, they haven’t lost a thing – straight into yesterday’s truck pulling Tully proposition.  Seems Will is a fucking hater from way back concerned Tully may hit a stick along his path to certain death.  But as Ellis reminded Will, it was JizzCult that let the show Tug-O-War a MMA fighter which is extreme!  Tully reminded Jizz that Ellis knows the safe word so shit’s cool.  None the less Ellis found the ‘Chinese Loophole’, not to be confused with the ‘Russian Corkscrew’, which was just to film it and put it on Ellismania and Bob’s Your Uncle!  So is Will Pendarvis III a giant pussy or does his alleged wrestling of alligators at the tender age of 8 mean anything to you?  How about Rape Dragon, does that ring a bell?  If no, well thank Barry cause it’s just some shit from the show you don’t need to worry about for now, moving on….Tully gave us a sneak peek at a new Death!Death!Die! track that Bert McCracken laid some vocals down for which were similar to let’s say Axl Rose forgetting to use an over mitt, it was fucking awesome!

 

 

Dom says men who see this, want this!

Dom says men who see this, want this!

If you haven’t heard the producer Dom yet, man you really don’t catch much of the show huh.  Well turns out ol’ herpes stoke face has been pitching like 50 bits a day to Ellis N Tully and using no discretion at all, kinda like us #EllisFam and twitter, OH!  While doing his best to entertain us with penis enhancement, and all because of David Beckham’s junk, Ellis figured out why Dom sucks so fucking much, its his voice.  If he had a Bane mask, then he could be hilarious and overcome the material.  Tully, being all Oxford and what not, devised a sweet Bane starter kit, with the kung fu grip, and Lil’ Bane was born.  But Dom doesn’t have the deepest of voices, and apparently when he tries to make his voice deeper, he also quiets it.  Also turns out Dom is very RawDog-esc, having troubles rolling his R’s as just one example.  But with the Lil’ Bane starter kit, and his new found New York Caribbean voice, our new producer is tolerable to say the least.  After all that laughter, nothing but MMA news for dat ass!  Dana White tweeted something about the Ultimate Fighter Challenge which is Saturday, April 13th at 9:00pm on FX I’m pretty sure but you’ll see it.  Also don’t forget UFC Fox 8 coming to well Fox I guess pretty soon too.  Ronda Rousey says Fallon Fox ain’t cutting it, OH!  Ok I’ll stop with the OH’s for now, but come on that was super cheesy and yes I punched myself in the dick.  From there it was nothing but talk about  how Frankie Edgar’s name is hard to remember and that he use to not cut weight, and how cutting weight’s for pussies.  How one day Rawdog will just have a daily Dork Fuck Fest for a good 5 years as Tully see’s it.  And don’t forget the immortal words of Mayhem Miller, “Posture Mate, Posture Mate”, which luckily were no help to Tony Gianopoulos Jr.

 

 

Today's show is brought to you by....

Today’s show is brought to you by….

Did you hear about the guy who walked into Home Depot, cut his arms off, and holy shit dude cut his fucking arms off?  The good news is he’s got them pretty much sold to Danzig who will be touring with 4 arms, and well that’s it just 4 arms, kinda cool.  Eden Alexander is pretty fucking cool too, been in over 75 porn films, kicks dudes in the balls, and tomorrow’s her birthday!  She came by the show today cause she’s fucking hot so why not, and to play a game.  Before that, check this shit out, Stage 5 Squirter is who were dealing with here folks.  She’s a Power Squirter and can control that shit.  She’s able to build it up, which is increased by fucking a lot, and can shoot it about 14 feet in distance, Pink Dragons to you my friend.  So would Dom trade the verbal abuse he constantly deals with in exchange for spankings from Eden? “Not Really” was the answer I “Swearsed” I heard.  All good though, cause we gonna play us some Medium Sized Dick Karaoke, cause its funny and since the big cock was missing.  But what you don’t know is the medium sized cock can also shoot a load whenever you’d like.  And what you also don’t know if Dom, or someone, didn’t check to see it fit the belt they have, of course it doesn’t.  No worries, while Dom Lil’ Bane holds his medium sized cock, Anal Gay has to hold Lil’ Bane’s mask all dutch rudder like n all.  Paradise City was the song and Eden was on the cock mic cock-mic, Lil’ Bane was on the….shit you get the idea.  Eden did a pretty damn good job as Lil’ Bane creepily had his way with her face.  Not to worry though, Eden got her revenge by spanking Lil’ Bane for a good 20 spanks.  Pound for Pound a lot of fun but I guess you had to be there.

 

 

Great Defense!

     Great Defense!

We heard some new old rejoins, one of which had never been played before, so suck it!  Remember that whole MMA cutting weight shit I kinda skimmed over, well Ellis has a friend who says there is a limit to how much weight fighters can gain back after they’ve weighted in, but again that’s for pussies.  Real man would weight in after dominating a hot dog eating contest.  And stretching, fuck that, put Jack Daniels in my water bottle n come n get you some!  Hollywood News and Jay-Z told Obama to come get him some, well not really but he did rap back to the Cuba trip talk n all, check it out.  Flavor Flav is headed to court for chasing or being chased with a butcher knife or some shit if your interested.  Gwyneth Paltrow has some book out about eating so healthy it becomes unhealthy but you gotta go look that one up yourself.  Turns out Justin Bieber is in Hollywood News today go figure, but he is NOT the #1 followed person on Twitter, not after you take out his 50% of fake followers, and there are other famous people maybe guilty of the same thing?  And if you ain’t heard it all, this is why – Black Sabbath, who’s releasing a new album, decided to get the word out on an episode of CSI, yup!  Then Ellis got a little off subject, and Tully rather than guide him back opted to join in….Yao Ming could beat up Kareem Abdul-Jabar….Kevin Garnett has a little head and is friends with Jerry Stackhouse….Juwan Howard….Luc Longley bangs mad hoe’s…..The entire ’96 Bulls team sucks balls and tea bags Phil Jackson.   Glad that’s over, now back to the #EvilEnvelope talks from yesterday, which is just an envelope of punishments for when you fuck up.  Ellis n Tully read a few of the ideas from today, which were wearing ‘Juicy’ pants for a show, calling someone’s mom and askign her out, picking a cup and drinking it from water, toilet water, your pee!  There were tons more, that were just good laughs for us all, and I also think they took a few ideas they didn’t mention as well.  All in all a pretty good job Ellis Fam, but still not as good as that one time we all took turns sitting in a car full of bee’s, getting out and having your grandma squirt all over us to soothe the burn and hydrate us back to health, OH!