Remember the Speech Jammer bit on the show Thursday? Our esteemed colleague @CrackerStacker6 put the speech jammer and his lyrical skills to the test with “Target Practice” by @CassetteCoast and “Put Your Balls On It” by Death! Death! Die! The results? Fucking golden. Don’t believe me? Listen for yourself.
Guys…i seriously leveled up in my bee-killing skills today. I mean..it’s kind of ridiculous. I’m the Bane of all Bees. I have never felt like such a skilled killer in my life (which is probably a good thing, all things considered). But yeah…I kept those bees away from the Hubbs. Who is allergic to them, not a pussy who is scared of bees. Honestly, I don’t know what he did before i became his helper. A lot of running, presumably. Jobs certainly took a lot longer to get done. The reason I bring this up is because work was pretty busy today, so I didn’t get to take as many notes as I normally would have, so forgive me if this isn’t quite as detailed as it usually is. I mean…I have a really great memory (some would call it scary…actually…most people call it scary- both to my face and behind my back) but there was a segment in the show that was so side splittingly hilarious, that aside from causing me near death by simultaneous suffocation and car crash and causing me to nearly wet myself as I cried…it made me forget fucking everything. A lot of it has come back as I backtracked, so I’m not copping out THAT hard, but yeah…it was that funny. Are you excited? You should be. You should also be slightly sad that you missed such a fucking hilarious segment. Good thing there’s this wonderful site where there are wonderful people so devoted to filling you in on all of the awesomeness that you might have missed. And, oh yeah, Boom.
So…getting into it…it’s sunny in LA and it sucks for you if where you are it’s not sunny and it’s raining where you are, then boo for you. But actually, if you’re listening where you are, then you probably aren’t running around out in the rain getting rained on and that’s good. Or maybe…maybe it’s bad. Running around outside in the rain is a pretty wonderful and liberating thing. Who doesn’t want to run around singing in the rain like Gene Kelly? Ellis would like to…Tully, being the Thespian that he is, has actually played Gene Kelly in a stage play in high school where his high school was rich enough to have it rain on him on stage while he sang ‘Singing in the Rain’ so…fuck you, Tully. Oh, and by the way, if you were listening to The Jason Ellis Show while outside in the rain a few hours ago, you should have somehow known to send Ellis a picture of yourself standing in the rain listening to the show. What was I doing? I was standing in the rain killing bees with ninja like reflexes listening to The Jason Ellis Show. I curse my absence of a third appendage which would have enabled me to selfie while all of that was going on. Sigh. Anyway.
They quickly switch from singing and dancing in the rain that only exists in their minds to talking about Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die and The Jason Ellis Show hitting the road and doing a radio and band tour of Canada because Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die seriously rocks and are like, kind of like a real band and stuff, and maybe they should get serious about rocking if they so seriously rock. Yeah. I write sentences like that on purpose because I kind of love/hate all of you. Just kidding. I love you. And I love those kinds of sentences that fall back and forth all over each other and make you have to pay attention to really get. They are like little word orgasms to me. I know. I’m weird. But there are people out there in the music world talking about how awesome Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die is and asking about Labels and all that rot, and yeah, Ellis and Tully need to get serious about the rocking that they already do and make some shit happen with the band and the show. Around this time Christian presumably is lurking in the hallway or the green room or somewhere kind of visible to Ellis, who calls him in to chat, because, THE BAND, MAN.
No. No, no, no. I take it back. This is not when Christian Hand The Band, Man, comes into the picture. Forget I said anything about it. Don’t ask me why I didn’t backspace and delete him from this wordly existence, because that is so completely beside the point. I cued him too early, Christian is still in the wings, for all intents and purposes, you don’t yet know that Christian is even in the building, he’s still waiting for his first appearance of the day. Because, Horse Force. Duh. And fuck you caller who says that Zebras aren’t Horses. Obviously you aren’t really gelling with the whole Force of Horses. Get lost. Call back and apologize when you can wrap your mind around everything that is Horse Force. Tully brings up, and then regrets bringing up, that he was googling around the internets last night and sadly found that HorceForce.com is totally already a thing, but was surprised to discover that HorceForce.gov was still up for grabs. And he and Ellis agree that the .gov is way cooler, because that’s all like, exclusive and shit. It gives Horse Force some serious street cred before people even know that Horse Force doesn’t even need street cred because the Force of the Horse is that bad ass, because…government. That’s legit. Or, really not all that legit, depending on which side of the conspiracy you come down on. Ellis tells the boys in the green room to hop on that HorseForce.gov shit right away, but they can’t do it, so Tully goes out and the Goobers come in. They banter back and forth for a while and there is some dead air, but it is talked about how Hot Dog looks a little healthier today, which might be because he didn’t smoke a lot of weed today and didn’t drink last night. Points come against him though for his Run DMC shirt (which he, himself doesn’t feel like he should be wearing, but he had no other clean clothes) and makes him look fat. That’s what I love about Ellis. He’s gonna tell you what he thinks. Hot Dog is also totally down to tour with The Jason Ellis Show and the band and walk around stage in some ridiculous outfit and contribute to the stage presence, cause that’s just the kind of guy that he is. CumTard and Jetta are also down to do some touring, which is great, because what is TJES these days without these guys behind the scenes, or in the scene that some of us can’t see anyway, getting tortured and doing some form of work? Tully is able to get a hold of HorseForce.org and Will chimes in to say that he grabbed HorseForce.TV as well, and throughout this whole time Ellis is taking lots of phone calls, because he feels like he hasn’t been taking that many phone calls lately.
Now, now is when we can remember that Mr. Christian James Hand, does indeed exist, because Ellis calls him in to talk about band stuff. They talk about band stuff and about Ellismania stuffs (just that he wants it to be bigger and better and maybe twice a year, nothing about exactly when and where it’s happening this year), and they come around to talking about the Village People and which ones were gay and which ones were straight, and oh my God, some of them were straight? To be honest, I didn’t even know that some of them were gay, and I didn’t even realize that there was a biker involved at all…though I might be the only one. It turns out that in the original group, the Cop and the Biker guy were the straight ones, but they probably had to suck a dick at least once to be allowed in. There was some mention by Christian about Rosebudding which I actually had Hubbs grab my notebook and write that word down (at this point I was driving) because although it is rather disturbing, I felt like it was too…odd to be ignored. Rosebudding is a thing, apparently, that involves a girl taking her anus out of her physical fleshy butthole and another girl putting it in her mouth. Yeah…that’s what I said. I mean…I’ve had so much sex that I’ve blown my box out before (which is super uncomfortable and Hubbs felt really bad about but kind of proud of at the same time) and I really can’t imagine the sensation of being a girl with a blown out ass that is being mouth fondled by another girl. I mean…I’m all for butt-play…but I’m not checking the box on this one, some things are a little too extreme, even for me.
**THIS PARAGRAPH IS ENTIRELY SKIPPABLE IF YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT E-CIGS***
And, just a side note, there was a caller who wanted to call and talk about how bad e-cigs are for you and blahblahblahblahblah and, fuck you, guy. FUCK YOU. I know exactly which articles that you have read that are making you think that, and those articles are gigantic piles of bullshit strung together with half truths and ‘surface facts’ (read- bullshit that has since been disproven) and fuck you for trying to poison Will away from e-cigs and back to cigarettes. Are you being paid by CumTard? Are you his corner guy? Did you bet your girl that she could fuck another dude if Will won the fight and are having second thoughts about it? Why do I care? Because Me, Hubbs, and Mumma R all use E-cig vaporizers that helped us quit smoking e-cigarettes and both Hubbs and I researched the shit out of them. The ‘bad’ ingredient in them that everyone keeps bringing up is propelyne glycol, which is an additive in fucking everything from medicine to food that WE ALL EAT, and yeah, it’s a suspension fluid that is in Anti-Freeze…that makes Anti-Freeze less toxic if you accidentally ingest it. Yes, at one point glycerol was found in one brand of E-cigs from china, which they traced back to a single CONTAMINATED batch that was recalled, and was found in trace amounts. How small of an amount is a trace amount? You would have had to have gone through 750,000 e-cig cartridges in a single day to attain a toxic level. So fuck you. Quitting smoking is not easy. E-cigs have been a fucking godsend to my family. And yes, Tully, they aren’t just non-tobacco…nearly every brand that produces E-liquids for use in vaporizers makes flavors with zero nicotine in them, it’s just flavoring and either the propelyne glycol and vegetable glycerin because the habit of smoking is just as addictive as all those fucking chemicals for the orally fixated, like me. *****END PSA*****
Back from the first break, Tully lets us know that next Friday, one week from tomorrow, the show will be Live from Racers Edge Go-Kart racing track place!!! Woo-hoo. They still aren’t sure if it’s going to be an open to the public G-rated kind of show, or if it’s going to be a full TJES and Ellisfam event where anything goes, but, they will be there and you know it will be fun. Tully then plays a ‘mysterious sound’ which is actually a recording of a sound that is making people go insane. Apparently there is a Hum that can be heard in different parts of the world by a percentage of the population in those areas that once they hear, they can’t unhear, and it makes them lose their minds. It kind of sounds like a diesel engine in the distance rumbling away, and people lose their shit because of it. Ellis calls bullshit on it for a while, and there is talk of government conspiracies and cloud seeding and weather control, but, I think, in the end Ellis understands that it’s not a sound that happens in people’s heads, it’s a real, actual recordable sound that no one has yet been able to explain the source of, or understand why only some people can hear it, and why the people who are being driven insane by it, don’t just fucking move to a place where there is no report of the sound being heard by anyone. I mean…I know that up and moving to another town isn’t the simplest of tasks, but if it’s to keep hold on the last vestiges of sanity that you possess? Hashtag worth it.
Ellis wonders when they can start that really funny segment that I alluded to earlier and the answer is when Katie gets there, but she isn’t there yet, so they can either play the Etsy Game or have CumTard give a shock collar review of 22 Jump Street. They throw it to the listeners to give a call in and vote, and in the meantime Ellis and Tully start talking about Santa for a reason that I just can not remember. But Tully asks Ellis at some point where he thinks Santa came from and whether Santa and Mrs. Claus were ever real people. Oh, and now I remember that this whole Santa conversation began in the realm of bodily functions because Ellis says that Santa poops Cinnamon. Oh god oh god…it started because Tully brought up a picture he posted to Instagram of a doll sold in some (Asian) foreign country (there are a lot of them, give me a break) that is shavable and has hair in places that no human should have that amount of hair. This leads to buttholes with that much hair, and then white butthole hair in that quantity, and Santa. Ellis thinks that Santa and Mrs. Claus used to be real people who lived a superverylong time ago and loved each other and were goodgood people who did good things and when they died at a very very old age in their sleep, at the same time, they got put back into their bodies by magic and turned into Santa and Mrs. Claus and were given a legion of immortal elves to help them do their Christmas stuff. I thought it was a lovely story, so did Tully, but Hubbs was meh on the whole thing because he is The Grinch. It’s why I love him so much, he’s my favorite color. They never get around to taking phone calls for what to do while they are waiting to do the funny segment with Katie when she gets there…and they go to a break.
Back from the break, Katie is in the studio and it is Half Time so feel your boobies! Why should you feel your boobies? Because if you feel a lump, you have to go to the doctor and get that shit taken care of. Katie has a scar on one of her boobs from where she had a lump removed when she was 14, which was not cancerous, but still…see!!! Check your boobs! She also has another scar on that same boob from when she needed to have a chest tube put in when her lung collapsed. So yeah, not only are Katie’s boobs awesome (I have never seen them, personally, but I assume they are awesome because she is and they are a part of her) but they have awesome battle scars!! And now it is time for the super funny segment. Here is the setup. Jetta discovered a phone app called Speech Jammer that works by echoing the noise in the room around you, including your own voice, back through the headphones, which seriously fucks with your thought process when you are trying to speak. Jetta, Hot Dog, CumTard, Will, and Tully are all going to take turns with the headphones and app on and try and hit on Katie. Ellis tries it out first, and it doesn’t bother him, presumably because he doesn’t listen to anything when he’s speaking. It was pretty flawless and impressive, although I did think that it all came out a bit quick as though he were really focusing on just keeping talking so that he wouldn’t get distracted by his own voice. But that’s it, just spoke a bit quick. Hot Dog was also able to talk completely normal and was told to get out of the studio. Will. Oh, Wilson. Wilson, Jetta, and CumTard…they were the absolute worse. I honestly cannot adequately describe what they sounded like talking without being offensive. It was like they were really drunk, really high, really tired, and hallucinating while talking through cotton balls and marbles right after being injected by Novocain by the dentist. Yeah. It totally threw off their cadence, their actual ability to form words…everything. Words got smushed together, words got left out, it was fucking amazing. I wish Hubbs had composure enough to film me trying to listen to this and drive at the same time in rush hour traffic in New York. It’s kind of a miracle we survived the drive to the next job. I was doubled over, unable to breathe from laughing so hard, some ridiculous noise issuing from my mouth that is a laugh I have never heard myself make before, one hand on my chest trying to make sure I was still in fact breathing, squeezing my thighs together trying to not piss myself, WHILE DRIVING. It was fucking amazing. Like, the most amazing amazing. I was dying. Hubbs was dying. It’s amazing we didn’t actually die. I loved it. You, you reading this, need to go to SiriusXM on Demand and fucking listen to it, and the ensuing segment where Jetta and CumTard act out a scene between two Gay guys propositioning each other where Will decides to also throw his hat in the ring. Oh. My. God. Ellis posted a video of it to Instagram and there is the fucking link if you want a 15 second preview. Ohmygod. Radio Magic History Amazingness.
Back from the 3rd break Tully informs us what we all knew, that everyone loved that bit with the Speech Jammer App. And that’s what the app is called. Speech Jammer. Go. Record yourself being a moron on purpose. He also decides to start a conversation with Ellis about how old is the oldest woman he’s ever been attracted to and it evolves into a quick conversation of why older men are deemed more attractive than older women, and it’s probably biological. Why is Tully asking this? Because there’s video going around the internet of a man in his 30’s who is all about banging really old bitches. Like…grandma and great grandma bitches. And God…my google history is a scary place in my search to get links for these things. Ugh. This guy Kyle has always been in to old ladies, has 6 girlfriends over the age of 65 and is 31. One of his girlfriends is 91. Why do I think that this guy is either a psychopath or was abused by a grandmother when he was really little and has severe issues? Am I being a dick? Probably, a little. But…he’s gonna wind up killing these bitches. I mean, seriously, their hearts weren’t meant to have so much sex with such a virile young guy? Why do you think he isn’t in a relationship with just one? Because just one of these old ladies would never be able to keep up with fucking a fucking 30 year old. Ever. But it does make Ellis think that he should start a service called Ellis’ Angels where he hooks up young horny guys with old ladies who want to get boned, because then everyone is a winner, and everyone is having sex, and the world is a better place because of it. And yeah…I’m one of those people who believe that my parents had sex exactly 3 times to conceive each one of us children, and really, it might only be twice because I may be a product of immaculate conception (how else could all of this funny, talented, gorgeousness be explained?). Yeah, I want to fuck myself to the grave, with Hubbs, not actually fucking myself…but that’s different because it’s me, I make the rules, and I’m fucking beautiful and am looking into becoming a vampire so I can be beautiful forever and I don’t have to make sense…because I’m beautiful.
The last segment that I heard before my app got fucked (of course) was a bit called Celebrity Street Fight where Tully, Ellis, and Katie discussed who out of groups of two would win in a street fight. It was funny and I was sad when my app gave me the ‘fuck you’ of doom because I was enjoying it as we drove home (finally! What a long fucking day!). Some of the pairings were Robert Downy Jr and Mr. T, where Mr. T would win because Iron Man is too pretty and Mr. T weighs 500lbs and it’s all heart, Al Pacino and Joe Pesci where Al Pacino would win because, well, do you know who Jo Pesci is? Jason Mamoa and The Rock, where the fight would be so brutal but Mamoa would probably win because, if anything, being a pro-wrestler for a part of his career would work against The Rock because he would instinctively pull his punches and Mamoa throws axes around all day. Justin Timberlake would kick the shit out of Justin Bieber, and so would James Franco, and Jim Carey and basically anyone except for Andy Dick because, Justin Bieber for fuck’s sake. Brad Pitt would knock out Clooney, Statham would destroy Jackman (but, oh my god, sexy!), and my Sirius popped back in for a second during the debate of Ice Cube versus Jay-Z where originally the bets were on Jay-Z, but a caller named Jason was a former bodyguard of Jay-Z’s and turned the tide, and the wave broke when Katie brought up the whole Solange elevator thing, and Ice Cube was declared the winner of that. Like I said, this is where I lost it, unfortunately, but I can’t be all that sad, because of that segment that was so hilarious it was hazardous to my health as well as the health of those driving in traffic around me.
Things we learned on TJES today:
CumTard wants to be Knighted
Jetta+CumTard+Hot Dog= 1/2 Tully
Horse Hoodies on 5yo little girls is pretty next level, and the future of hoodies
Katie is not the Yoko of Soon to be Renamed Death Death Die
Katie has peed in a hot tub in the back of some rockstar dude’s limousine
Ellis wasn’t bothered when a woman took him and his friend away for the weekend and paid for everything
Will’s in charge of lollipops and finances
Ellis wants to make West Coast Candies with real liquor inside and keep the party going all day long
Tully can see older women being more attractive because they’re more confident
Katie is awesome
No dancing? Gotta cut Footloose!
Welcome to Monday’s recap, I’ll be your guide throughout today’s show. If you have questions, comments, or concerns, please just keep them to yourselves until the end of the recap – at which time you can shove them right up inside your mom’s gash. Ellis still doesn’t like the show intro, so he’s going to put on his Rachel voice and do it himself and show everyone how it’s done, but that’s later. Did you know Stevie Wonder grabbed onto both of Dingo’s forearms once? Pretty rad, right? Dingo also met another blind lady once, she swam in the ocean a lot and so now her friend ties a rope around her blind ass and takes her out to sea and starts with the “Marco, Polo” shit. What a mean bitch, right? Did you know Tully had cataracts as a child? His eyeballs were slowly turning to stone! Infinity pools, like magnets, nobody knows exactly how it works, where the fuck does the water go? When Ellis had a pool, he was in it all the time, having parties by himself with the birds, dogs, deer, and shit. Dingo couldn’t go to any pool parties there because his girlfriend at the time didn’t want him to even be around porn chicks. But Tully went to one of the pool parties, he totally hit it off with Sluggo and probably could’ve gotten some, but he exercised some self control and remained an honest, loving, faithful, husband. So remember how Ellis got his new bike, went to ride moto and his chain came loose & he hurt his ankle? He went to ride this weekend, some dude saw his fucked up chain & offered to tighten it for him. He goes to pick up the bike to put it on the rack so dude could tighten up his chain and bickity-bam! He pinched something in his back. Now he needs a backiotomy. Talk turned to a local park, where Dingo for some reason dropped the word “libary”, and Will has seen men in their “underoos” dancing on tables right out in the open and next to the kiddie park he likes to hang out in. I don’t know if someone should call someone or what, but that felt weird just to type. The thing to remember here? Don’t walk your kids past The Abbey unless you’re ready to have “that talk” with them. Talk continued from both sides about whether or not nearly naked people dancing in their underwear should be allowed to do that next to a park, and the other hot button topic – Grenade Gloves customer service. After an hour of this, we get our first break.
That first time as I child when you see an amputee.
Back from the break and Kelly Osbourne laughing about Ellis shaving his arms is still on Ellis’ mind. But fuck it, he’s gonna continue to shave. A man chopped off his own hand with a homemade guillotine and is threatening to amputate more body parts unless doctors amputate his arm as well. Wilson met a fan of the show who lost his hand due to combat injuries and he shook his left hand, but he’s not sure what’s the appropriate protocol was. Was he supposed to bump elbows, as suggested in the green room? Does he bend down and kiss the nub? Handshakes. How do they work? Tully knew a dude whose brother was the Boston Strangler, so to thwart that awkward moment when people would find out who his brother was, he’d just lead off with “Hi, my name is ‘Matt’ and my brother is the Boston strangler.” That’s one hell of a power move. Wilson thinks that’s the equivelent of meeting someone in the bar with, “Hi, my name is ‘Matt’ would you blow me?” Clearly, Wilson is still thinking about the park across from The Abbey. A caller got a surprise when he went to shake hands with someone and next think he knew, he was shaking hands with a man sporting crab hands. Does Jetta like wheels? He must think they’re a little important because he claims they transport coal across the country. I’m calling bullshit on that. Also, Jetta will be spinning the wheel-of-doom soon, so that’s something to look forward to. In the meantime, it was time to name some new Wolfknives. I don’t normally mention any of the names because it’s too much to keep track of, but “Blow Gay Simpson” is a pretty fucking amazing name, given by Tully of course. We salute you Blow Gay Simpson!
Shitty moto news? Deal with it.
Moto News time and Supercross was in St. Louis this past weekend. James Stewart won for the third consecutive time. Points leader Villopoto came in second and Barcia came in third. Alessi got a shot in the hole and quickly slipped into his second hold with no Tickle time. Ellis is sticking with his prediction of an overall Villopoto win for the season and blah, blah, blah. Sorry, I’m not as good at Moto News as Dingo so I’m just going to stop. Oh. I forgot to mention that Danny Kass has asked a couple times if Death! Death! Die! would play at the Grenade Games, sounds like Ellis and Tully are all for it. Ellis wants him and Dingo do some sweet moto jumps with Dingo, over my sweet Tully, making for a sweet picture. No lame jumps and no lame licks. Time for a game, “Finish the phrase” and it’s about umm, finishing the phrase. Dingo did horrible and surprising, Ellis didn’t do so bad. Regardless, here are a few of the gems:
Dingo: Absinthe makes for a fun night out with your friends.
Ellis: Absence makes for a lonely vag.
Answer: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Dingo: Armed to the future!
Answer: Armed to the teeth.
Dingo: What kind of horse was it? I would normally say eyes. In it’s plastic wrapping?
Answer: Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.
Dingo: Long in the nose. Wait, long in the face!
Answer: Long in the tooth.
Dingo: Your eyes are bigger than life.
Answer: Your eyes are bigger than your stomach.
Dingo: Hold your feet to the bone. Hold your feet to the sky.
Answer: Hold your feet to the fire.
Coming up next, TeenWorf.
Dingo: In the country of the blind, Stevie Wonder’s partying.
Ellis: In the country of the blind, everyone is Michael Jackson.
Answer In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.
Dingo: A flash in the dark is worth two in the bush.
Ellis: A flash in the hand is worth two in the bush
Answer: A flash in the pan.
Dingo: Cut the fat off.
Ellis: Cut the cloth off Jesus.
Answer: Cut the mustard.
We went to break and next thing we knew, Christian and TeenyWolfy Posey were in studio to help come up with a new Death! Death! Die! song for Posey to be a part of. Fans called in and tweeted some lyrics to try and help, which is always a fun time, and that closed out the show – which ran long, past where anything would be recorded – but that’s alright because the professionals took notes and can handle the rest. After all, they have #1’s on the charts, just like your mom has #1’s in her mouth to make ends meat. OH!
Whaaaaat?
Hey-oh!!! I finished listening to the show at like seven thirty for once…but due to the fact that I have a Hubbs and a Bub and a Pup to take care of…I still didn’t get a chance to start writing this thing until almost 11 at night. On the plus side…I found 40 bucks in the street tonight, so I’m going to go ahead and take that as Karma saying, “Keep fighting the good fight, bitch,” and keep doing what I’m doing. It would have been nicer to find a hundo…but beggars really can’t be choosers and I’m going to shut up about it before Karma thinks I’m ungrateful and my laptop crashes or something.
Opening up The Jason Ellis Show is that new intro that I’m sort of not really a hundred percent on, and neither is Ellis. According to him, it’s almost there, and he and Tully really love Aidan Ashley (who is the new voice on the intro) but it’s still a little bit lacking. To me…it’s still a lot lacking. I dunno…I turned to Hubbs after hearing it for the first time and said, “It sounds like she’s sad.” Because…she sounds like she’s sad. But, the good news is that Tully and Ellis both agree that there is indeed some more tweaking to be done before the show intro is where they want it and will be happy with it…at least for a while until they get the urge to change it again. They talk about perhaps sending out Kevin and Jetta to recruit people on the street to be featured reading from the script while working out, which brings Tully to the subject of working out in general. Tully tells Ellis and all of us that he started the Onnit Naked Challenge again this morning (after intending to do it for the past 5 months or so) and he did it in his backyard, which was embarrassing. Why did it make Tully so red in the face? Well, other than the fact that he was working out (if you aren’t getting all hot and sweaty then you just aren’t doing it right ladies and gentleman), there’s the fact that his wife’s office faces the backyard and he got super winded from doing the five minute exercise. Also, he spent the fifteen ensuing minutes walking around the house hiding from his wife while he recovered from the five minute workout, and he thought it was embarrassing because she sees buff guys at the gym. He does look at the brighter side and say that hopefully his wife sees it as, “well, at least he cares enough to try and get off his pudgy ass and is trying to get in shape”, or something like that. Ellis commiserates because, as we all know, he hasn’t been feeling on top of his game over the last couple of weeks and working out is hard. But it’s all about the big picture, guys, cause once Tully and Ellis get over their workout/fitness/bitchfest hump then their lives will be better for having had the struggle and the power to overcome. Yadda yadda…something inspirational.
This fitness talk spews into variety being the spice of life and the guys talking about whether they would pick a diet of bland food but the ability to sleep with a new woman every night over the tastiest diet of all time and having to be monogamous. Ellis doesn’t really see the allure of bland food and sex with a different girl every night, cause chances are you’ll be eating bland food and having bland sex. Tully says that, if he weren’t in the situation he were in (i.e. if he weren’t married and a daddy) he would choose the bland food and the endless sex buffet because he thinks it would be cool to just have sex with different chicks all of the time. Yeah, he knows that not all of them would be a ten in the sack, but I think he thinks it would be interesting because he would never really know what he was going to get. I mean, a bitch can talk all sorts of game and then lay in bed like a dead fish where a quiet little bunny turns into a fucking beast in the sack. That’s what I would find interesting about that deal and therefore I am attributing these thoughts to Tully as well, because he’s a deep thinker. Not to be mistaken, Tully does clarify that he is perfectly happy in the situation that he is in, but sometimes he likes to get all thoughtful and ponder the things that will never happen to him now that he has a ball and chain and baby to boot. They take a lot of calls at this point on love and relationships, hot sad wives, being stuck in a rut of dating the same kind of hot chick that never works out in the long run, and doing steroids and our favorite hosts dole out their winning advice of sounds like you need to move to a warm climate, try dating ugly chicks and stop meeting ladies at the bar, and don’t do steroids.
Steroids gets them back to talking about fitness because Tully says that he doesn’t think chicks are really into overly muscle-y dudes anymore. That was so totally an 80’s thing. And, speaking on behalf of the female population, no, we are not in to super muscle-y guys. Yeah, there are some chicks that dig that- mostly because they are probably super shallow and can’t find two neurons in their head to rub together long enough to get a synapse to fire and therefor just need something overtly manly to ogle and desire, but most chicks I know and most chicks I talk to…we want a regular guy. Yeah, it’s nice if you’re a fit guy who doesn’t get winded walking down the block, but guys with tons of muscles are horrible cuddlers. It’s like trying to get all mushy with a rock. A fresh chip of the boulder rock, not an ocean wave softened rock. But fitness has become a status symbol in society. It’s part of the package. You know that you’ve made it if you have a lot of money, have a good job, know how to dress yourself, drive a nice car, go out to schmancy restaurants, and are still fit. Fit is the cherry on top of the ‘you’re doing good in life’ sundae. I think it partly has to do with the fact that what is seen as ideal in society is often the thing that is hard to attain. Back in the day when lots of people were basically starving all of the time, being fat was the ‘in’ thing to do. People knew that you had it going on because you could afford to not only eat, but to indulge to the point where you were overweight while they continued digging their future grave in their backyard that would only ever get partially dug because they’d die from starvation in the process. Just like anorexia and bulimia are big in the fashion world because a model figure is seen as ideal…it is not something everyone can have and even the people who do have it try and kill themselves to maintain it. Now, we’re on a binge of fitness. Not really the worst thing ever. But it’s hard. It is hard to work all of the time, have a family, eat right, and get a workout in there. I know, because I’m the bitch who works out at home at midnight in her kids’ room cause he’s sleeping in my bed. So yeah..fitness equates with status. But also…sometimes you just want to eat pizza for dinner and then a breakfast burrito with cheese and bacon the next morning. The struggle is real.
Back from the break, Tully let’s us know that, at some point, they will be doing the Unsigned Bands segment again on the show and if you have an unsigned band and want to send in some tunes, send it to submittoellis@gmail.com and maybe you’ll hear your band get made fun of on the radio. Or, you may even hear your band get a rare ‘hey, this isn’t completely shitty’ type of shout out. Also, Ellis and Tully have put out the call for props to have in the studio for guests to take instagram pictures with, so if you have something that you think they would like, please feel free to send them a picture and or description of that item to the above email address as well.
It’s time for, what may very well be, my favorite game on the show!!! The Etsy Thing! Which there is no intro for, so Wilson, where are you?!?!? Say some shit and let’s throw an intro together. What? What’s that Will? You don’t like doing intros and think that it’s embarrassing? But you’re so good at them! No one does them like you do (except for maybe THC, but he’s basically cheating by being as awesome as he is) and this game has been played a handful of times and needs an intro! Eventually Will spits some wonderful phrases out for an intro in return for Jetta doing a guest HateBean song, which he doesn’t completely suck at doing- but I had a way better idea for a chorus than the shit that he spewed, for the record, and now it actually is time for the Etsy Thing. The Etsy Thing, for anyone who doesn’t know, is when the guys have to guess what a random item on Etsy (on online store for random homemade shit) is being sold for. The items today were:
Ellis won the game and there were a lot of good and bad guesses and they were all pretty neck and neck up until the end. Tully is overall the best at the game, in my opinion, because he goes all deep into the mind of the Etsy folk and usually only gets a point snagged because he’s over when other people are off but under. That’s what she said. Maybe. But probably not. Before the break Tully rattles off some props that they may be interested in for instagram photos which include a conehead, chimp hands, blonde mullet wig, Viking helmet, hot dog hat, and battlesword.
Back from the second break Tully tells us that CumTard introduced him to a new genre of music that he is pretty sure a genuine attempt at creating a new genre and isn’t a joke. The genre is gay rap and the movement is being fronted by a rapper from Louisiana named Fly Young Red with his latest single called ‘Throw That Boy Pussy’ the video of which Ellis wouldn’t want his children to see because he doesn’t want to have to explain that to them yet. Upon saying this, Ellis thinks about how there is the existing double standard because if there were girls in place of the guys in the video he wouldn’t think twice about letting his children watch it, but if this video came on while his kids were in the living room he would get up and change the channel. Tully thinks that’s perfectly acceptable because there’s a difference between being against homosexuality and whatnot and not wanting to have to explain something to your kids just yet. Tully then brings up ‘The Gay Agenda’ and honestly, I’m not even touching that. I hate that phrase in genera for its inherent negative connotations. Gay people aren’t trying to take over the world, guys, they’re just trying to live in it.
Now…time for Hollywood News! There’s a lot going on in Hollywood, first on the list being that Pamela Anderson has come out and said that her children (who are 16 and 17) now know that she has a sex tape. They have not seen it, because no one wants to see their mom in that position…ever…but they do know that it exists. Tully brings up how it seems that there were more sex tapes being leaked back when you had to make a sex tape with an actual camcorder, as opposed to now where everyone has a perfectly capable camera in their pocket on the phone. Ellis thinks it’s because camera phones and phones are a major downer in the sack, but a camcorder makes you feel like you’re making a porno. Joe Francis (The Girls Gone Wild Guy) has said that he and his chick are ready to have a baby. Well…what if he has a girl? Ellis doesn’t think it matters either way because he’s pretty sure that Joe Francis plans on spending very little time with his child and is just ‘ready to have a baby’ to make his chick, who is super hot, happy. Mace…or Mase…or…I dunno, but he was a rapper turned religious guy turned rapper turned religious guy again back in the day and then fell off the radar, but he’s back in the news. He and his wife have a book and built a whole church and business about how to have a marriage as happy as theirs, and TMZ just recently discovered that Mace/Mase filed for divorce last year. The couple appear to have patched it up and are still together…but lol…have a marriage as good as ours that almost completely fell apart!!! Although, you can also look at it as…they’re marriage was about to end, but they managed to work it out and are still together. That’s called optimism, I believe. In some sad news, L’Wren Scott was found hanged in her apartment and her death has been ruled a suicide. She was a model/fashion designer, as well as being in a 12 year relationship with Mick Jagger, who was devastated by the news of her death. There are a lot of rumors surrounding her suicide, including her company being millions in the hole, Mick Jagger breaking up with her (which he denies), and The Rolling Stones hating her. Whatever the reason, it’s sad news, so I’m not going to make any jokes about it.
Back from the third break Tyler Posey, newest member of Death Death Die is in the studio. He is pumped to be back hanging out with Ellis and Tully and is even wearing a Wolfknives shirt, which is beyond awesome…and now…all of a sudden, the influx of really young sounding callers over the past couple of months is making more and more sense. TyPo chats with Ellis about Teen Wolf and is super happy that Ellis watches it, and they talk about him being in the band playing the Keytar, then get him to riff on the keytar and they share some stories, most notably one where Ellis tells about how the Burn Out King pulled off the Ultimate Burn Out in honor of Ellis’ father after he died and it was the burn out to end all burn outs. It was a pretty touching story, all things considered, and you could tell that it really meant a lot to Ellis. TyPo was a great, adorable guest, and although I can’t tell him from a hole in the wall I followed him on Instagram when Ellis tagged him in a photo cause if Ellis likes him, he can’t be all that bad, right?
Things we learned on the show today:
Devin has a bladder infection and Ellis was up at 345 AM meanwhile the Mummy slept until 11
Rick is a lovely guy
Women hate when you say “All women…”
Ellis is getting his RCH bike tomorrow
Valhalla Rising was a sick Viking movie #mudrape
It’s the Mexrichauns fault the TV keeps shutting off
Ken Block has a barbecue on his truck better than the one at your house
Vikings made awesome swords 800 years before anyone else did
You knew you were in with Dee if she brought you a bowl of nuts
Ellis had to put together Devin’s Heely’s and that’s pretty fucked up
The shocker should not be your go to sex move
James Franco doesn’t smoke weed
All Australians can do the best burn outs ever
Tiggie things a period is something that makes your butt explode in your pants
TyPo wants Ellis to dock him (and yeah…I had to google wtf that meant)
Hardcore’s girlfriend wants to have sex with TyPo
TyPo and Ellis both have dagger tattoos…cause they’re brothers, duh
Will’s life is made up of Pink Floyd, Lanyards, and Beans
I’m baaaaAAAAaaaaack!!! Did you miss me? You know you missed me. It’s okay to miss me. AND, you got me a day early! Which means, tomorrow, you will have had me two days in a row. Must be sweet to be you. Don’t disagree, everyone will know that you are lying.
But anyway, Welcome to the Fucking Tard Show!! Direct show-opening quote, just so you know, not my own personal judgement. Why is it the fucking tard show where Tully audibly opens his can of diet coke (chock full of life-choking artificial sweeteners, btw Tully) live for all of us to hear? Because Wilson didn’t play the new intro, which he didn’t throw Jetta under the bus for, which is probably a good thing overall since even though it’s Jetta’s job, Will has been doing it on the daily so Jetta didn’t know that he should have done it. Hopefully, from now on, all of that is figured out. Wilson is sick and needs to do some Dayquil and get his act together because he is extra-ragingly sarcastic and cranky at the beginning of the show. Do drugs, Will, just make sure that you do the right ones. For instance, Tully asks Ellis if he would ever take a pill that would make him retarded for a week. Ellis says no because that is way too long to be retarded, but he would consider taking one that did it for an hour, although even then he isn’t completely sold because he is afraid that he might never come out of it. As much as ignorance is bliss, it’s still kind of better to have all of your faculties and be able to try and work your way out of the misery that life brings. Tully brings up the Pleasure Box- a philosophical place where people who enter never leave but is told to consist of constant pleasureful things. Ellis wouldn’t take a trip into the Pleasure box, and neither would Tully, because they’re parents and have more important things to worry about. Ellis talks about how he wants to be a great father, and a great person, and to be able to recognize for himself that he has done great things…and he wouldn’t get any of that from the Pleasure Box. BTW, Tully would only take the pill that made him retarded if Jude had been doing it for about 5 years and suffered no ill effects…then he would probably dabble.
Ellis and Tully try to speak to Jetta in the green room to tell him that Wilson threw him under the bus by saying that he didn’t want to throw anyone under the bus, but Jetta can’t talk back because someone stole the microphone. Who stole the microphone? What the fuck? Don’t you fucking people know not to touch the stuff anymore? Ellis tells Jetta to find out what the Mexicans are doing, which Vanessa takes offense to, which Ellis tells her that she shouldn’t because she isn’t Mexican, she’s Cuban or something. La Vanessa informs Ellis that she is half-Mexican and therefore feels the need to take offense, until Ellis informs her that he has half-Mexican babies. Then all is right with the world. And yes, this is where one of the most racist TJES I have ever heard begins, but hopefully all the listeners know that they aren’t really serious…so stop fucking tweeting about it. They find who took the microphone, and it’s a Mexican guy whose name is never spoken, and it’s his third fuckup at this point, but his first one in a long time, which, once he points this out to Ellis in his wonderful accent, Ellis can no longer be angry. And all is right with the world because Ellis and Tully are amazing radio show hosts who can make it 43 minutes into a radio show that hasn’t started out well and make it entertaining as fuck.
Earlier today, Ellis had an adventure with Dr. Creepy (the dermatologist recommended to him by Tully) to have the lump on the side of his noggin looked at. Ellis confirms that Dr. Creepy is, in fact, creepy, but he has great skin for a man of his age. The good doctor informs Ellis that it is most likely a benign cyst, but he will remove it and have it checked out just to be safe as it is a little sketchy that it grew in size. Ellis manages to creep out Dr. Creepy by requesting that it be immediately removed and offering to pay extra money if the doc makes the scar on the side of his head sizeable. Cause chicks dig scars, man, or something like that. Ellis further creeps out Dr. Creepy by taking his shirt off in front of him to show another little lump on his back, which another doctor already declared ‘nothing’, and strangely a man who makes his living looking at skin tends to get awkward looking at…skin. To each his own. Ellis is having the lump removed later this week and even if it does turn out to be cancerous he won’t be all that bummed because he will just kick cancer’s ass. Tully notes that he has spoken to a few cancer survivors lately and thinks that, overall, the medical community is getting on its game so far as fighting cancer goes. Ellis says modern medicine and motor sports are the two things that he is thankful for so far as inventions by the white man, and Tully talks about how the Muslims deserve a fist bump so far as modern medicine goes. Why? Because during the time when the Catholic Church liked to excommunicate, ban, and kill those that disagreed with them, the white man sort of stalled in terms of medical advancement, but the Muslims kept it alive until we picked that ball up again.
Death Death Die!’s new album is still #1 on the Canadian Metal Charts and was #1 on American charts for a few days (currently #4), which is awesome, because they are awesome and they are breaking new ground every day. Ellis is in talks with his manager about a DDD! tour in Canada for 2014, so be looking forward to that my lovely, lucky Canookians. Wait a second, is DDD doing better in America than Avenged Sevenfold? Why, yes, yes it is! This causes Ellis to text a dick pic to M. Shadows informing him and telling him to eat his dick. LMAO. Ellis isn’t entirely sure if he should do it, but he did it anyway (after chubbing it up a bit because if you aren’t lying you aren’t trying, according to Tully, and because it’s not gay). M. Shadows responds to the text in a few minutes time and congratulates Ellis and tells him he’ll be buying the album later tonight. So, by this time, he probably owns it and is crying over the fact that he could have ridden Ellis’ coattails to the top.
You know how Progressive sort of screwed Ellis over with his Porsche (pronounced Poursh-uh) and Ellis promised a vendetta against them? Well, apparently Progressive decided to apologize and say that they mishandled the situation. So a couple guys from Progressive, a couple guys from Porsche, a couple mechanics, and Ellis all got together, threw the baby on the lift and set to testing it. The rear wheel wobbled which the mechanics confirmed would cause the car to shudder, because yes, both wheels hit the pothole, and yes that could cause the oil leak too. So, Progressive will be picking up the bill for the repairs and Ellis probably no longer feels quite as compelled to firebomb their headquarters. At least until the next time they try and fuck him over. They even gave him a rental car, a Cadillac, which prompts Tully to ask why so many rental cars are domestic. A couple of helpful callers offer their pearls of wisdom and inform Tully that domestic cars are easier to customize for less money and often rental places get deals on them because they are produced in higher numbers, meaning a lot of extra ones just wind up parking around and taking up warehouse space. Yes, listeners to TJES may just be smarter than google.
May be? Maybe? Maybe….prolly not though.
The Supreme Court recently shared their ruling on what I’m really sure was a waste of their valuable time and at the expense of countless tax dollars: Airlines are completely within their rights to revoke offers to frequent fliers per their own discretion. Why was this even a Supreme Court (that’s the highest court in the US in case you have been asleep your entire life) issue? Because some giant fucktard was pissed after getting his Northwest Airlines super special member rights revoked for complaining too much. He complained 24 times in 7 months, seven times about his luggage not coming out quick enough. By the way, Northwest did try and offer some compensation for this revocation of super special frequent flier status by giving him over a thousand dollars worth of travel vouchers, almost $500 cash money in his hand, 78,000 regular frequent flier miles, and a free flight for his kid. Man, whoever you are, you are what’s wrong with America. You are the guy that ruins it for everyone else. Shut up.
Come inside Ellis’ third brown eye. You know you want to. Just please, don’t make that noise when you call, because that’s a little more graphic than what we’re looking for. Ellis is up for a round of dream interpretation! He first interprets his own dream from last night which consisted of TJES being replaced M-F on Faction and being moved to the weekends, preventing him from seeing his kids. What does this mean? Obviously it is a culmination of his worst fears: that everything he has worked so hard for can so easily be pulled out from under him at SiriusXM’s whim, and that he will be forced to continue working at a time that interferes with his time with his kids, preventing him from being the best daddy that he could possibly be. Tully aslo shared a dream where he was inside the live action Super Mario Bros. movie, playing the game, which had the soundtrack done by Prince, and then Tully was Prince and had to continue getting through the game. Ellis attributes this to it being the Prince of Darkness’s birthday yesterday (Happy Belated) and the fact that Tully secretly desires to wear super tight pants. The only place that Tully would be accepted is in a surreal landscape like Super Mario World. Also, Super Mario World is an allegory for the booby-trapped studio where Wilson is constantly trying to destroy everyone with office chairs. Or something. A bunch of callers call to share their dreams including Bruce who dreamed he screwed his online Latin lover’s mama while wearing a white suit and fedora because men always wonder about fucking their ladies’ mums (but they shouldn’t do it), Jacob had an Ellismaniacross dream that sounded like a mix between Ellismaniacross and Mario Kart 64 Battle Mode with special guest star Gandolf where the guys were wearing necropants and Dingo was rastafarian- meaning that Jacob obviously listens to the show too much, Boon (his 16 year old self) had a dream where he and his sister were running through a junkyard trying to escape a junkyard giant attack gorilla and he escaped into the sewer with the Ninja Turtles but his sister was caught meaning that he is better at life than his sister, La Vanessa is a lesbian because she dreamed her cousin Vanessa was super hot and seduced her, and Lisa dreamed that she turned into a sperm and swam up through her own vagina while her boyfriend was banging her and she woke up touching herself…which means that girls have really weird wet dreams.
Do you know what’s cool? Coming home to moto gear with your name on the back and a Wolfmate patch on the butt courtesy of RCH. Yeah, that’s definitely cool.
The guys get to talking about hair and hair gel, which prompts Will to ask Ellis to feel his hair to tell him if it’s hard or not. Ellis refuses, but Tully offers up his paw for the job. What’s it like Tully? Apparently, Will doesn’t have a hair helmet as previously speculated…his hair is delightful and fluffy. Why does Will ask them about hairdo’s and clothes? Because it’s hard to get a real look at yourself because you’re, you know, yourself, and he is curious as to how others perceive him. Wait, is that a gray hair? Yes it is!!! But that isn’t a bad thing, Will, calm down. Wilson confesses that when he was younger he used to think that a receding hairline and grey temples were cool and he used to put lemon juice in his hair to lighten it at the temples. Tully also thought it was cool to have gray temple hair and when he was 16 bought dye and had his girlfriend attempt to gray his temple hair. Ellis shaves his head. But he does have gray in his beard, and he likes it. PatriotGuard.org is a style that we all can agree on.
Back from the break there is Breaking News. DDD! has debuted on the Billboard Indie Charts at the number 4 position beating out Insane Clown Posse, NoFX, Destroyer, A Perfect Circle, and the Black Crows Side Project (which just sounded like some guys name). Why doesn’t DDD get paid more for gigs? Because the more gigs you play the less money it costs to actually put them on, so there is more profit.
Jetta came up with a new game after perusing the craty website Etsy. Wilson is going to show the guys some pictures and read them descriptions of the products and they have to guess how much the things sell for. If you clicked on that link and were all, ‘WTF?’, the answer is yes, I did just link you to a different page on this same website that the fabulous @bitpimps put together wayyyyyyyyyyyyy faster than I could ever dream to get a recap done. So, in case you were ever wondering you can own:
How can you say no to that shit? Wal Mart is never gonna sell any of that!!! In fact, Will couldn’t say no to the heirloom custom seashell craft featuring Osama Bin Laden, and Ellis just couldn’t say no to the mummified 2 headed rabbit or the fox tail butt plug as Christman gifts for Katie (ensuring at least a 2 hour long blowjob for being the best boyfriend ever).
Is Bob Dylan a hatemonger? Probably not, even though he is under investigation by the French for statements that he made to the Rolling Stone that they felt incited hate. He is a darn tootin good radio host though. In other Hollywood news, Robert Pattinson (that guy that no one cares about anymore now that Twilight is over) has been accused of doing drugs, which he vehemently denied, and then posted a photo to instagram with cocaine in the background. Sharon Osbourne has admitted to having plastic surgery, and most importantly she had her vag rejuvenated- Happy Birthday Ozzy!!!! And lastly, Beyonce and Jay-Z have decided to go vegan for a while, which may positively influence some of their followers to make a good life change, even if only for a little bit.
Team RCH told Ellis that his motorcycle is being worked on and it is going to look exactly like all of the other bikes on the team. They also want him to do a photoshoot once the bike is done, and they are really really really treating him like a team member, which is awesome. He was invited to go to the Best Whips contest on December 21st, which is a Saturday so he won’t have to miss doing the show, and sign autographs and things like that. Super awesome.
And now, one of my personal favorites: Wolfknives names!!!! Welcome to the pack Camberetta, Asian Metal, Trucktagon, Hauly Shore, Asian Driver, Electric Dirt, Sparky Baldstocking, Slayer McAnthrax, Mech N’ Cheese, Irish Fuckpuppet, Pluck Lidell, Greasy Pole, Pussy Vag, Magnus Magnusson, Choo Choo Puffington, Tree Scalper, Pot Blocker, Haywood Yufistme, The Velvet Asshole, Skullbone, and Crapwagon.
Time for final calls and ramblings. Pat Sajak has a verified twitter with a bio reading “game show host, icon, sexagenarian” which is probably the most amazing thing ever. Welcome back from Afghanistan Danny!! An Edmonton Man is going to be spending 6 months in jail after stabbing his friend who was testing out his stab-proof vest (because yes, that is still a crime), and Ellis wants to thank the Red Dragons for continuing to send him awesome shit and he is looking forward to shooting an ad with them in the new year with Katie, RDS girls, and wolves. That’s right, wolves, motherfucker!!!!!
Things we learned on the show today:
Blame the NY guys because they aren’t listening and can’t defend themselves
Ellis relates to engines
Everyone loved Christian’s a capella music samplings from the greats yesterday
Ellis doesn’t like Hersheys
Ex-wifey found a typo in the divorce papers (in her favor) and alerted Ellis bc she is a sweet Ex-wife
Tully doesn’t want a celeb’s old phone number
Protest the war, not the warriors
Writing your ideas on actual paper makes them stick better
People miss sarcasm to an amazing degree
What’s the point of putting it on the internet if it’s not for fucking? -Jason Ellis
Ellismania.com has new videos up
Abe isn’t there for final calls
Ellis is going on the Pete Dominick Show next week & hopefully won’t be asked about politics
Don’t call the show if you’re a Republican Atheist Reality Specialist
Adam…re-capping the show is my job >_< lmao
Glad to be back, guys, see you tomorrow!!!! xo