2014

Posted on May 19, 2014 by bitPimps 中

What’s that? I rolled it again? Oh, you didn’t want me to roll it? What?

Yardsale is back! For today anyway, tomorrow he gets his heart welded on and he’ll need at least 1 day to recover. It’s fucking heart surgery man, so don’t be upset if dude takes a few days off. If it were me, I wouldn’t even be in today, I’d be too much of a wreck to stop puking and shitting. Anyway, you know how he went to race this weekend? Yeah, he rolled his ride again, at least he went most of the race and rolled half way through the last lap. He was 10th out of 18 at that point. But hey, he qualified 17th and at one point was 8th, so that’s doing pretty good for not really being a racer. Besides, Ken Block crashed this weekend too, so there’s that. The main point here is that he had fun. Apparently TJ Lavin did pretty well and Ronnie Faisst sucked. Ellis is trying to stay excited about getting his heart surgery, Tully is excited, and all of Dingo’s innards are revolted at the idea. Dingo was a Jason Ellis Show correspondent at the Street League event this weekend, but we’ll get to that later. Ellis forgot to go on cam this morning like he planned to do each week, but seriously, what’s up with parking tickets in LA, am I right? Speaking of LA, there’s some traveling show about Pompeii or some shit. Why is that a touring festival? That seems weird. It’s like Burning Man, but with lava, pyroclastic flows, and death and shit. I hiked into Haleakalā crater once. Worst experience ever. I thought I was gonna die. Who knew a smoker, hiking out of a crater that doesn’t want to let you leave, in thin-ass air, above the clouds, not wearing sunblock, wouldn’t do so hot in that situation? Looked awesome hiking down, but hiking up was pure hell. Anyway, I’ve gotten side tracked. So dudes, is there a chick you would lock down by getting pregnant? We’re talking you put holes in your condom, but don’t tell the chick so she “mysteriously” gets pregnant and has to stay with you. I guess you have to be clear on your motives. I chose Oprah just so I could make her best friend, Gayle, jealous and be there to watch their relationship deteriorate. Anyway, since Ellis has been thinking about life lately with his upcoming heart surgery, everyone on the show came up with a bucket list over the weekend. But before we get to that, let’s take a moment to realize that Dingo has his own personalized stationary. Fucking. Amazing. Now, on to the bucket lists… after this!

Tired of sitting at work, needing to masturbate, but not having any personal lubricant? Now there’s KY Ink! Sold at stores near you!

And we’re back! Wanna know which 7 jobs have the highest suicide rates? Well just for you, I have the answers! I mean, someone else has the answers, but I can at least link you to them, so that kinda counts, right? What’s up with #7 on the list? The rest made sense to me, but #7 left me confused. So what’s the remedy for all these people in high suicide rate jobs? Get naked and hug a tree. Just go with it, man. Ellis ain’t got time for shit, except putting air in his tires. Turns out, he doesn’t have time for that either because people be blocking the air pump. Then the gas station attendant wouldn’t turn the air compressor on. DAMN THE MAN! Or at least damn the man working at Art’s 76 on Hollywood Blvd. Allegedly. Anyway, on to the bucket lists.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dave! We said get naked & hug a tree. Not just whip it out and start fucking it!

Ellis’ bucket list:

Be number one in radio, satellite or terrestrial.
Race cars.
Have a ten-some.
Own a Lamborghini.
Have a kick boxing fight.
Do a wheelie on a horse.
Not to pay his ex-wife or ever get a divorce again.

Cumtard’s bucket list:

Have his likeness appear in a comic book.
Go to Japan to fulfill his round-eye perviness.
He’d like to fuck a girls butt.
Sell a script he wrote and have it produced.
Do a voice in a cartoon or video game.
Save a life.
Get powers. Like super powers. Which isn’t allowed on the list.

Wilson’s bucket list:

Doing a voice for an animated series. He’s been dreaming of it since he was 9-years-old & even wrote to Mel Blanc.
Have dinner with Jeff Lynne of Electric Light Orchestra.
Own a home.
See a reunited Pink Floyd in concert.
~~Listed on The Jason Ellis Show Wikipedia page.~~
Go on a ride-along with the LAPD.
Wants to see The Jason Ellis Show become the biggest show in the world.

Dingo’s bucket list:

Have a family. Soon.
Go heli-boarding in Alaska with his brother & dad.
Create an award-winning TV show.
Climb Mount Everest
Sail around the world.
I missed it. He went too fast, like he was ashamed.
I missed this one too.

Jetta’s bucket list:

Visit space.
Sit courtside at the NBA finals
Visit the deep sea
Die on film, like fake die on TV or a movie
Write a book
Go see the Amazon rainforest
To be in a massive, no rules, food fight

Tully’s bucket list:

Make at least two more solo music albums
Make a third album with someone he really respects
Make some sort of meaningful contribution to the comedy of someone he likes
Open a sandwich shop that he can afford to run into the ground
Get a fancy, fully stocked, kitchen like they have on TV
Be able to fly to several NBA playoff games first class style, hotel, food, etc.
Have convincing cybersex

Next up, what kind of unusual shit have you fucked? After this!

Carol & Jeff paid good money for these trafficked kids, only to find out the kids are broken. Don’t let this be you. Buy your slightly used kids from Nike!

And we’re back! Ellis will be live on his website at 7PM. Every Monday at 7PM and every Wednesday morning at 8AM. All times are Pacific. So eat a piece of dog shit, you sum bitches! Ellis’ beard is getting really big, it’s grown up right before his eyes. Dingo doesn’t like it, he refuses to kiss a grape from Ellis’ face with that monstrosity. Get this shit. The Spanish town of Fort Kill Jews is set to vote on a name change, the proposed new name? Fort Hill of Jews. Not much of an improvement. Police say a man in Murfreesboro, TN tried to have sex with an ATM and later a picnic table. Wood on wood, that’s a recipe for fire. Tiger & Devin aren’t getting along lately and need some separation time. Ellis woke up with a pee boner. Someone’s watching porn and it’s not an adult. And that is a good segue into the unusual things callers have fucked. In no particular order:

You ready? We’re gonna fuck this Big Mac! No? What about this pickle? Why not? You can’t be so picky!

Prosthetic titties in a dressing room. He came on the titties. Think about that the next time you’re trying on jeans.
A pickle. Yes, the food item. He says it was like a little green pocket pussy. Nothing like a Kosher Dill to get you in the mood!
A Big Mac. A fucking McDonald’s Big Mac. He only did it once though, so it’s cool, right?
A friend’s mom’s underwear. It’s no Big Mac, but it has potential to be pretty gamy. I’m not terrified by this one.
A medical doll. Like the kind you practice medical shit on, putting catheters in, etc. And he finished in it. This guy was a security guard. In other words, a serial rapist / killer in training.

Dingo is totally cool with being nude or having sex in front of people he knows really well. Was this a hint at his willingness to participate in a potential ten-some, or maybe just sit in the dark corner, watching it all go down, and jerking off to it. Bellator 120 fights were this weekend. Does anyone give a shit? How is Bellator even still around? I don’t know, go Google that shit. Speaking of shit, next up is our man on the beat with his ear to the street reporting not live from Street League, Dingo! But first…

Are you raising little shits that think it’s funny to practice CPR on a tube of toothpaste? Great news! Now you can hire Wanda, the meanest bitch this side of hell. She’ll teach them through the ancient art of ridicule and physical punishment. They’ll get to watch nothing but Judge Judy and CSPAN. They’ll eat what they’re given or they’ll starve. By the time your little monkeys are back, they’ll be addressing you as “Lord” or “Lady” and helping to clean the house, even messes they didn’t create! Act now!

And we’re back! Remember when Christian came with the lyrical only version of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Ellis put out the call for people to pump that shit in traffic with their windows rolled down and Instagram it? Well it’s going to happen again. But this time, try to really get people to notice and react – but do it nicely. It’s meant to brighten up someone’s day, not a chance for you to be a rude dick. You could win a Wolfknives package and/or a Red Dragons package. And now, over to the extreme sports desk with Dingo. Wait, scratch that – technical difficulties. Wait. No. Scratch that too. Technical difficulties have been fixed. Shit. Wait. No. The audio is not up to Ellis’ standards, it’s not Dingo’s fault, this isn’t his job and he’s not used to this recording stuff. Poor Dingo. He tried and got a lot of people there to give him a minute or two to talk to him for the show. But it just wasn’t cutting the mustard so it was breezed by quickly and cut short. Sorry Dings. Time to talk to callers. Or maybe not. Not unless there’s a guy who had sexual relations with a dead chick. Also, Catheter Ablation, look for the new hit single this summer! I’m just gonna end it here because my daughter has some important shit to tell me about Butterfinger cups. Everyone here at NYA is wishing Ellis the best of luck with his surgery tomorrow and for a speedy, but more importantly, successful and healthy recovery! We’ll have our #1 guy back as soon as possible I’m sure. All hail the king of the west!

Meet Dennis. He’s a dumb motherfucker that doesn’t know how to hotdog. He also probably works for the government. Don’t be a Dennis. Call NYA Tech University today to earn your hotdog degree today!

Show Recap for Thursday 5/15/2014

Posted on May 15, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Originally I had thought of a great way to open this recap…but that was around 7 hours ago when the show was starting and I was all excited and pumped and now…now it’s 7 hours later and I’ve lost my mojo a bit and am drawing a big, fat, blank after work, going to the super market, making dinner, playing with my kid, and trying to fix my laptop even though I just did all of the updates last week after fixing it and…sigh…it’s hard being a grown up. I never wanted to be one and it happened anyway. Beeteedubs…if anyone wants to donate to the cause of me being able to buy a laptop that actually works…you know where to find me. I’m mostly joking about that. Keep your money. I need to find a way to keep myself from getting so defeated over these stupid little things like laptop problems. Maybe I should get motivating words tattooed on my thumbs like Ellis is planning on doing. And that, ladies and gents, is what I like to call a segue. Boom. So anyway, yeah, Ellis opened up the show talking about how he wants to get the words ‘Faster’ and ‘Stronger’ tattooed on his thumbs because it will help him remember the things that he is trying to accomplish in life and will motivate him to make good decisions in all aspects of his day to day and professional life because it’ll be right in front of his face at all times, son. It’s like when you write stuff down on paper and keep that paper in your pocket to help you remember things, but then he doesn’t ever have to worry about losing the paper because it’ll be on his skin and if he loses his hands, well…he’ll have a whole lot more shit to worry about other than eating too much cheesecake. Did I mention that this whole ‘let’s get something inspirational tattooed on my thumbs’ was motivated by his inability to say no to the cheesecake that Katie brings home at night when she gets home from work? Ellis, as always, wants to be fit and take care of himself and live a long time and be useful, and since he’s getting heart surgery on Tuesday he isn’t going to be able to work out for three months and he’s really going to have to be on top of his diet and can’t sit around being a fat kid and stuffing his mouth with all of the junk food that he wants. So, he’s planning on stopping by Grant Cobb’s house after he goes to Devin’s school open house to get Faster and Stronger writer down his thumbs because he can’t get faster and stronger if he’s constantly reaching for the cheesecake. They talk about this for a while, and jump back and forth between subjects, but for the sake of cohesiveness (and because my brain feels like it is half falling out at this point), I’m gonna recap it all together. Tully brings up that instead of getting reminder notes tattooed on his hands he could always lock the fridge so he doesn’t stumble to it when he’s half asleep and more apt to stuff his face with junk food, and Ellis isn’t super on board with that because, well, how do you lock a fridge? The other problem is sort of that Katie never thinks that Ellis is fat, because technically he isn’t fat, he’s just heavier than he wants to be, and she keeps buying all these yummy goodies for him to eat. Ellis also wants to get in the habit of practicing what he preaches, since he is always telling all of us listeners that we need to take care of ourselves and eat clean and make sure we stick around for a long time, and he doesn’t always follow his own advice. So, while he’s not working out for three months he’s going to really concentrate on eating well and share what he’s doing with all of us and hopefully he’ll make our lives better. I know that, personally, listening to the show always motivates me to make better lifestyle choices and I’m a much healthier person (mind and body) since I started listening to the show 3 years ago. Annnnnnnnd I can’t believe that it’s been three years…it still kind of feels like I just started listening yesterday. That’s how fresh this show always is! Boom.

There was some talk about how Ellis and the kiddies broke the RC cars he got from Ken Block again, that Tully never realized had been broken a first time, but Ellis is kind of pumped on the whole thing because he’s been fixing them himself and he feels like he’s learning stuff about how to work on cars, because, hey, they’re little cars and he’s making them run and swapping out parts, and he and Tiggie do it together, which is super cool and fun. Two of the cars are gas powered and there is one that is battery powered and Ellis seems to be taking parts from the gas ones and swapping them with parts from the battery powered one, and again, he was doing it with Tiger and they had some good father-son time together. So good, in fact, that when Ellis was done making the fixes and changing the tires with tiny allen keys, he was perfectly okay with the fact that the batteries for the one RC car were plugged in at the studio. Which is a bummer and a lot of five year olds would have had a meltdown over it. Hell yeah Baby Ellis!!

On to other things Ellis had a sit down with the guys at Benchmark, which for those of you who somehow don’t know, are the guys who put out the Wolfknives stuff when you sign up to join the wonderful gang, because Ellis wants to expand the line and make some ‘premium’ Wolfknives gear. Apparently the Wolfknives apparel and accessories are doing really well and even hold allure to people who have no idea about The Jason Ellis Show and it’s ties to the leader of the best wolf pack of all time, and even retailers are interested in the Wolfknives line. That’s all very big and exciting news. Tully talks about how he’s always had the idea where he would design his own logo that he could have sewn on to his clothes because he’s a rather plain-clothed man and that way he could always be walking around wearing ‘his’ line of clothes. He’s brought it up to the wifey, since she is all kinds of in the know when it comes to fashion, and she shot that idea down quick letting Tully know that that would cost a lot of money and he’d have a shit ton of logos and he would have to really, really be dedicated to wearing only ‘his’ line for the rest of his life. So, that’s probably not going to happen. Ellis is pretty stoked about the whole Wolfknives thing, and the expansion of the line, because they’re the clothes that he likes to wear and he would have designed them anyway because even if it flopped, he would always wear it, and it’s pretty awesome that there are a bunch of us crazy people who want to wear it all too. Speaking of the Wolfknives, Will comes in and has a list of people who are ready to get their names and Tully has a surprise!!! A fan of the show named Russell, created a Wolfknives Name Generator and sent the program or link or whatever to Tully for them to play around with. And, yeah, just in case you were wondering, No You Are did that, like, ages ago, bro, so, you know, way to be late to the party. Now that the snark is out of the way, the generator actually worked pretty well and was able to name a bunch of people some pretty wonderfully horrible things. So, welcome to the pack Queef Rippington, BoJangles Witherspoon, Fart HorseLog, Statutory Fingering, Dick Clit, Testicle Shadows, Emperor Raccoon, The Spanish Cumrag, Bear Driver, Chunky Gape, Lube Cheetos, Stan-In Bastard, Pissburger LadyBoy, Captain Racist, Predator Magnum, Diablo Tuna, Homo RageButt, and Clit Cheetos. The Name Generator worked pretty well, and there were only a couple of times they hit the refresh button more than once, so, hi five Russell, way to steal our site’s idea. And yeah, I’m joking about that, because I’m pretty sure it’s possible for two people to come up with the idea of a name generator without one party ripping it off another. Just know, that it was done first here ;)

Back from the first break, Ellis informs us that there is to be a new protocol for the ‘Don’t Die’ callers, because The Jason Ellis Show will just not give up on making the idea work, because it will, damn you, it will. So, the new deal is that when it comes time for final calls and don’t dies, Ellis and/or his King- Michael Tully, will inform listeners what the, I guess ‘theme’ is an appropriate word, is for the day. It’s going to go along the lines of a segment that the show did yesterday, where callers called in with the dumbest things that they’ve ever done, but it’s going to change every show. It can be the dumbest thing you’ve ever done, the smartest thing you’ve ever done, etc. But, this way, people won’t keep dying when they’re supposed to, you know, not die. Will it work? Hopefully! Did it work today? You’ll have to get to the end of this recap to find out!!! Bwah-hah-ha.

Did you know that dog is not always man’s best friend? Maybe. Probably. I mean…some dogs are assholes, I guess, but no one ever really expects it to be cats. I mean, cats are basically notorious assholes, no matter how many cute videos there are of cats doing weird things. They’re more independent and tend to treat us like their pets instead of acting like they’re our pets. I have a cat. By association. She lives at my house at least, and I have to feed her, and sometimes she likes me and does that sweet, sleepy slow blink of cat love, and other times she glares at me like she wants to eat my unborn babies because I brought a puppy home and she fucking hates him. But anyway, there’s a cat in the news who did something so amazing for her little human boy that he or she is going to be featured in the hoity toity Cat Fancy publication. So what did the cat do? It saved a four year old little boy from being eaten by a neighbor’s dog. That’s pretty fucking hardcore. And no, I can’t post the link because my computer is a piece of shit, and I really apologize for that because while I suck at the whole inserting pictures into the recap thing, I have the link thing down and try not to make you do too much work on your own. If you’re interested…Google is totally a thing. I apologize. Think lovingly of my breasts is that appeases you. They’re fabulous. Also, in the news, Tully informs us that some (allegedly) batshit crazy 31 year old lady calling herself Charity convinced some innocent nice people that she was an abused, 15 year old runaway (a plot ripped straight from Law and Order SVU…no joke…it’s a fantastic episode) who then took her in and put her in the local private High School, where she fooled everybody. It’s not completely clear how the truth about the situation came out, but she had everybody fooled. Even the kids she went to school with couldn’t really believe it when the news broke. Pretty effing insane. I look pretty young, especially according to ladies in the supermarket, but even they peg me at 17 or 18, there’s no way I could pass for a 15 year old. I mean, on top of the fact that I have zero fashion knowledge and suck at using makeup…I have too many tattoos to ever be confused for a 15 year old. You know who also probably can’t pass for a 15 year old? Michael Sam. Yeah, really bad transition, but…it’s almost midnight and I was up at 4:30 and I am using that as my excuse right now. Michael Sam hasn’t done anything crazy, but Tully read a story about him that he found worth mentioning as some food for thought. There is a chance that Michael Sam won’t make the team that drafted him, as the Rams apparently are pretty well set in the position that Sam plays, and he’s just wondering if that is going to cause some trouble down the road for The Rams. He doesn’t think that the team would base their decision on Sam making the team on anything other than his football playing, but he kind of leaves it unsaid that there is the possibility that the media could cause a shit storm of badness speculating that maybe, just maybe, if he doesn’t make the team, it has something to do with his sexual orientation. And I wouldn’t put it pass the media, because they’ll do anything for ratings. But, there’s also no saying that if The Rams don’t put him on the team roster that he won’t wind up playing for another NHL Team.

And all that news talk effectively killed enough time for TJ Lavin to get to the studio along with his buddy Corey of Undaunted Clothing, and they are the guys who are kind of responsible for there being no TJES tomorrow. Yup, sorry to break the news, but Ellis is doing that UTV race this weekend and Friday is one of the days that he has to be there. But, you know, he has to go, because this could be the last race he has before he dies. And, really, if you look at the options, there’s a better chance that this really could be the last race that he ever gets to race, and that’s why you should never blindly trust statistics, because in all likelihood Ellis will be able to race again. Did you follow that? Should I break it down? Let me break it down. There are three options: 1) Ellis will be fine following the surgery and be able to go balls to the wall after his three month heart heal time 2) Ellis could die 3) The surgery could not work and Ellis wouldn’t be able to race because it could throw him into A-fib. Now…statistically, the odds are stacked against him when you take those three into account because 2 of the 3 available options means he could never race again, leaving only one good outcome- 33%. But that’s not really true, as there are other factors within those three categories which put the odds more heavily in his favor for being perfectly fine following the heart surgery, like the fact that there is only a 3% chance he could die, and the success rate for patients whose hearts never have a problem again after the surgery. But, really, don’t bitch about there being no show tomorrow. Yes, it’s sad and shitty, but, Big Daddy J needs to follow his bliss and that’s what we love about him. He’s there for us more often than he’s not by a wide margin. Give him a break.

Anyway, TJ Lavin, right? That dude is pretty awesome and I’m pretty sure he was actually a guest on the show in my beginning stages of writing for this wonderful website and that makes me feel good about him in a nostalgic kind of way. Also, I know who he is because I used to watch the Road Rules/Real World challenge back when it was still called that. He did the Inferno one, which is the only name I remember of them. That show is still around, just called The Challenge, and has been green lit for it’s 16th season. Holy freaking shit. I’m only a decade older than that freaking show. It couldn’t even be my baby. TJ and Corey talk a lot with Ellis about the upcoming race and throughout the interview/appearance/whateveryouwannacallit it really kind of comes out the TJ, although he is going to be in a higher classed race, really has zero experience over Ellis, and that is going to be entertaining as fuck. They laugh a lot, share a lot of memories, make a lot of jokes at each other’s expense, and have a good time. Oh god, I almost said that they talked about Mike Tyson, and that’s what happens when you listen to two shows in one day and don’t write your recap for 7 hours. ugh. That was yesterday. Mike Tyson was yesterday. Today was the race in Lake Elsanor talk. Towards the end of the segment the guys take a Skype call from a guy who super loves TJ Lavin is it. Was. Amazeballs. Why? Because it was some guy in a gimp mask and ball gag wearing assless chaps that made out with posters of Lavin. At one point there was a collective, loud, yelling ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’ from all the guys in the studio and that’s when Tully informed us that the caller was wearing assless chaps. It was amazing. TJ Lavin thought the dude was awesome, probably because he was rubbing his nipples while talking to him, and it was a good time. There were some other calls to talk to TJ, and they pale in comparison to how awesome that was. I’m not telling you about them. They are nothing. Even though SPOILER ALERT (ha) it was Cumtard. How do I know that? Christian posted a text conversation he was having with Kevin at the time and Kevin said for Christian to text Jetta because he was currently in a closet or something wearing a Gimp Mask. Still. Fucking Epic. Check out the text on Instagram @Kingtrut if you don’t believe me. I salute you, Cumtard, I love you so hard right now.

Back from the break we are informed by Tully that it is National Peace Officer Memorial Day, and there is some back and forth on wtf a peace officer is. A caller calls in and informs everyone that yes, Police Officers and Sherriff’s are peace officers, but also, you can be one too! All you need is to take a class and they give you a badge and you can get a gun and then you are subjected to the same power and regulation as a law enforcement person. Ellis thinks that he and Tully should take the class and become Peace Officers so they can arrest each other all day long and so Ellis can arrest Katie’s Box any time that he wants. Tully takes the opportunity to inform us all that Kentucky police are still looking for information on the murder of Police Officer Jason Ellis and tells us that if anyone has any information on who is responsible for this horrible crime can email the Kentucky Police at EllisCaseEtips@KY.gov. On the offhand chance that any of you fucks reading this know anything about it, do the right thing.

Christian is in the studio for his signature segment of Stripped Vocals. But not. I mean, he was really there, but he didn’t just strip songs down to the vocals this time around, he stripped down to different parts- guitar, drums, orchestral, etc, to show us just how much there is that goes into making these songs. It was pretty awesome and he played us pieces of greats from Stevie Wonder (the best blind drummer of all time), the Beatles, that song Heard it Through the Grapevine, and Ain’t No Mountain High Enough. Ellis really likes when Christian does these segments because he feels like it’s helping everyone appreciate music on a deeper level, and it exposes a lot of people to music that they wouldn’t normally listen to or wouldn’t normally appreciate. Christian also played some stripped vocals by request and played Firework and Bohemian Rhapsody and it was awesome. Actually…the most awesome part was when Ellis dared the listeners to crank up the volume on their radios for the stripped Katy Perry vocals and take a video of themselves doing it to send to him because…well…if you’re a listener you know why. It’s kind of awesome to juxtapose the image of the typical Jason Ellis Show listener with the musical stylings of Katy Perry. But you’re a real man, or woman, if you crank that shit. There were a bunch of people who sent in videos of themselves in traffic and gas stations and things like that blasting Katy Perry for the world to see/hear and everyone got a good laugh from it. Hubbs asked me why I didn’t do it, and I responded that 1) we were parked in front of a customer’s house in a quiet neighborhood and the system in the work truck would have probably kept the customer from ever calling us again and 2) seeing me blasting Katy Perry is nothing new, I do it on the reg. If he had been in the truck at the time, other than getting the customer to sign the paperwork, I would have felt more compelled to do it, because he’s a big, beefy tattooed guy and it’s funnier. Despite the fact that on one of our first dates he came rolling up blasting Katy Perry, and when we go out and there’s a DJ he always requests that they play the song and dedicate it to me. Fucking mushy wonderful man I have. He listens to “Girlfriend” by Avril too. Seriously. I went to skip it when it came on my ipod once and he said, “What are you doing? I love that song!” and changed it back. If any of you tell him I said this, eat shit and die. But it’s one of the things I love about him. He listens to a wide variety of music, mostly because he has killer systems in his vehicles and everything sounds amazing, but also because he’s a sexy man beast who is totally secure.

At the end of the show there was some Hollywood News which involved the announcement of Li’l Kim being pregnant and putting up her registry info on the internet thereby inviting everyone with access to the internet to send her gifts, the guy who leaked the Solange/Jay-Z video got fired from his job but made 250k for releasing the video…although the police have been informed of his identity and that may be soon going to legal fees, and Justin Bieber is still a little shit. Does that surprise anyone? Not really. He’s a little shit who runs around with a pack of little shits. Together they are one big, blown out, shit up the back baby diaper.

Time for the don’t die! What’s the theme for today? Don’t die and tell me the gayest thing that you have ever done! Unless you’re gay, no wait, especially if you’re gay!!!! The first guy who called got shot off because he was taking too long, but the second caller, Amy, did not die and she regaled us with her succinct tale of how she and her guy friend had sex with a girl who was on her period, and didn’t tell them, and Amy had gone down on her. Red Dragons, bitch!!!!

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show today:

Tully wants to sell silver leather pants to the masses. But not really.

There may be a Wolfknives Canadian Hockey Jersey in the works

Gotta dodge the Age Bullets

Parents are too overprotective of their kids these days

Will started taking Ambien to sleep and hasn’t murdered anyone yet, but his pillow was in the freezer this morning

Newscasters have to pretend that they’re objective, but the News would be way better if they were genuine and just lost their shit like everyone else

It’s scary doing motorsports

TJ Lavin will be driving a Pro Lite in a race and he’s only ever done 10 laps in one

Joe Rogan is too busy to be on TJES, but they still all love each other, and that’s cool

The Beatles are very good

Back in the day music was made for adults to enjoy and now the target audience is children

Ellis needs a nap

Once again there will not be a live show tomorrow, Friday, so enjoy the replay and don’t give Ellis shit about it, he has his heart to worry about and this could be his last race ever.

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/14/2014

Posted on May 14, 2014 by bitPimps 中

No. Yeah! That’s totally art. You did a… umm… good!

Hello my pretties! It’s big daddy bitPimps filling in for that one dude that plays with Triscuits all day long, CrackerStacker6. Time to get it up ya! Everyone got their art on last night (or maybe this morning if you’re name is Jetta), Ellis painted some shit with his dumb fingers, Tully glued some shit with his dumb fingers, Will smoked with his dumb fingers, Jetta stroked his ding-a-ling with his dumb fingers, & Cumtard fingered his dumb butt with his dumb fingers. This is all allegedly of course. Not everybody can produce art, just because you wiped a booger on a wall, doesn’t make you an artist, it makes you a disgusting child. Anyway, everyone did a self-portrait. Tully’s was a collage that featured his cannon dick. Cumtard did a sketch, but of course he’s color blind and used a red pen for part of it. Will drew triangles to represent hair on his chin, even though he has no hair on his chin or shin. Jetta made a little flip book style so the viewer of his masterpiece can change his shoes and such. Ellis painted a Jewish wolfman wearing a yarmulke with a head tattoo. I assume they will be showing these renditions to Justin Bua, an artist that will be on today’s show. Ellis was on Dr. Drew’s HLN show last night, and now they want him to do Dr. Drew’s podcast too to fill in for Adam Carolla. All this after he just filled in for Psycho Mike on Loveline. Dude’s been gettin’ busy with Dr. Drew – if you catch my drift. Alec Baldwin was arrested for riding his bike the wrong way, fucking rebel. There was talk about maybe doing a show at night and recording it and playing some time in the morning. This was all talk that including an actual “Ellis Channel” (The Baby?) where Tully could do a night show, Jude could do a show, etc. Sounds like contract negotiations are looking pretty good. You can take a picture with your Wolfknives membership and then tweet the show a song you want in rotation for a day! Everyone discussed possible names for the new channel, it was a real hoot.

Georges St. Pierre AND a Kickboxer remake you say?

The show is looking for a man or woman (let’s face it, it’s gonna be a man) that can build a ramp for Ken Block RC cars to jump 6′ at a low height. Or in other words, 2 bricks and a piece of plywood. Hey, you can see Ellis when he races this weekend on livetrackfeed.com. MMA News, Georges St. Pierre is said to be in a remake of the movie Kickboxer, but he’s not playing JCVD and also nobody cares. Brock Lesnar called Dana White to ask if he would call Pat Barry and tell him to retire. He may also have asked Dana if he could call Bisping to find out where to get a good steak, allegedly. Justin Bua came in bearing a gift, a painting – of something, I’m not sure what it was. Anyway, he’s doing some kind of show for the UFC, he’s been a longtime fan and used to call up Art Davie and pretend to be a reporter just so he could pick his brain. He says that MMA fighting is a lot like art for him, saying, “You and your canvas, one on one.” ~ Kid Rock. He gave a painting to Anderson Silva and it made him cry like a little bitch. So besides being an artist and bringing in a painting, he brought in a bottle of water called “raw water” and swears it tastes better than you know, plain old water water. It’s not his water, it’s just a water he really likes. Did I mention he also makes superfood drink mix stuff called Immortal Machine with some infomercial dude named David Wolfe? Well I just did. Did I mention he’s vegan? Did I also mention he raises his daughter as vegan? Well I just did that too. Go me! He also said Cumtard has a woman-like mouth in real life, as opposed to his self portrait.

Is anyone still reading this? I don’t blame you.

Next up, “What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life?” segment. Callers inundated us with their stories of some of the stupidest things they’ve done. Several were good enough to win themselves some Red Dragons gear. If you get a chance, give it a listen – because I’m not recapping all that, especially about the guy that shot his girlfriend / wife. Total accident. I will tell you about one of them though. Tully was with Cullen, celebrating his birthday. Both got really drunk, Tully went to bed and Cullen ended up having to puke. The next morning, Cullen told Tully about him throwing up, said he went to the bathroom puked, but it was cool because he cleaned it all up. Turns out Cullen passed out on the bathroom floor, Tully’s mom woke up at 5 AM to get ready for work & found Cullen passed out on the floor. Tully’s dad had to carry him to the couch and Tully’s mom cleaned up Cullen’s puke. Tada! In fire news, it sounds like the Four Seasons is on fire in San Diego. I take it you can find some… hot room deals! Or maybe it’s just that someone got… fired! At least it didn’t… spark much debate! HEYOH! I’m sure this is all old news to Wilson and his police scanner.

Show Recap for Thursday 5/8/2014

Posted on May 8, 2014 by jenni_mazky

Holy Crap!! I just worked some magic and got my laptop to mostly work!!!! Woo Hoo! Go me! I’m Awesome!!!! I mean, it was really slow magic because it took like an hour, but slow magic is still magic and I’m able to type normally in the little text input box and everything, so, I’m feeling pretty darn good. Boom. You know what else is feeling pretty darn good? The thighs that I call thunder. They are sore as fuck from working out and every time I crouched down today they were yelling at me, but in that sweet way that tells me that my thighs will always be thunder but they will be solid muscle thunder. Boom. Thundahhhhhhhh….

Now on to The Jason Ellis Show hosted by sexual degenerate Jason Ellis, who can hear better today, but kind of feels like he’s going blind. Bummer. Ellis is blaming it on the show and being forced to look at writing all the day long, or, you know, all the four hours long, instead of looking at things that he’s meant to look at like his toes or the grass. And when I say grass in my head, I say it with the soft a like he says it, instead of the skanky hard a that I would normally say and it makes me smile a bit because my thoughts sound more sophisticated and all I’m doing is thinking about grahhhhhss. Tully brings up that eyes were really only designed to last for about 40 years before they turned to shit because that’s how long that people used to be alive because that’s how long that we needed to grow old enough to reproduce and then keep our offspring from dying. Tully also has been noticing a deterioration of his eyesight and has been wearing glasses at night while he’s watching his basketball (because I guess that it’s still basketball season) and he’s had those glasses for two years but hasn’t been wearing them because when he puts them on he looks like he’s 47 and it’s like looking into the scary scary not too distant for Ellis future. It’s kind of weird both to Tully and Ellis that Tully doesn’t look good in his glasses because Tully really seems like a glasses wearing kind of guy, like Bono, but it’s prolly just the frames. I mean, Bono has been wearing his tinted peeper aids for decades and he’s got his frame game on lock. Ellis is doing good on his glasses game as well, probably because he has signature sunglasses and Electric Visual will take the frames and put Ellis’ prescription into them. Must be nice to be on top, Ellis, must be nice. But…he might not actually be on the tippity top since they say that it’s too expensive to put tinted lenses in on a one off pair for Ellis so….whatever. Ellis mentions that people who hate on guys who wear sunglasses or tinted lenses all of the time are lame and just jealous that they aren’t comfortable enough to wear sunglasses whenever they want to. Ellis says he’ll wear his sunnies in the studio sometimes just because he feels like it and it makes him feel more comfortable, and that made me feel a lot less weird for all of the times I walked around inside of buildings with my 5 dollar street pair planted firmly on my face. Boom. Beeteedubs, Jetta is wearing his glasses today and he looks good in them and maybe he should wear them everyday so that he could look sweet.

There was some talk about fake boobies in here somewhere and it had something to do with sunglasses, but I didn’t take good enough notes to know why sunglasses and fake tits relate to one another. Hmmmm…I can’t even think of a joke that would make them relate to one another. Whatever. It had something to do with skinny chicks with big tits and how once upon a time one of Katie’s friends in Portland used to tell people that Katie’s boobies were fake because she’s a skinny girl with a nice rack (and a nice ass, as if you didn’t already know) and it wasn’t as common a thing back in the day for tinier chicks to have big tits. Nowadays everyone is used to seeing skinny chicks with awesome tata’s so it’s not as big of a thing to go around saying, “Well, they must be fake.” And yeah, bitches do things like that, and I think it’s because mad bitches be all kinds of jealous because they don’t know what a pain in the ass having a sweet pair of knockers is. My bff is 4’11, about 100 pounds, and about 30 or those pounds is in her tits and when she worked for a news site here in New York and had to cover classy events, snobby bitches used to constantly do the fake girl whisper (read: they talk low, but still loud enough for you to hear, while looking at you but not making eye contact) and say she had fake knockers. I’ve known this bitch since the fifth grade…they’re real. Bitches be hatin’. Anyway…what was I saying? Katie has a nice rack, bitches be jealous, fake boobs…oh, right, fake boobs are much more commonplace nowadays and no longer qualify as ho’ status and are much more housewife status, so now the smack gets talked about bitches with butt implants. Yeah. Butt implants are a thing, but they haven’t evolved to the point where Ellis is unable to tell fake booties from the real deal.

Speaking of gonads, Ellis had to bro-down with Tiggie about foreskin again recently, and I’m not really sure why because I’m not a guy and I don’t have foreskin or know anyone with one, but it seems like it has something to do with rolling back foreskin and letting the top out to breathe, and cleaning, and….if you don’t do it the doctor is gonna cut off the foreskin and Tiggie may be five but he’s man enough to know that losing a bit of his genitalia doesn’t sound like that much fun. But it’s cool, cause Big Daddy J talked it out with him and got it all resolved. Tully hasn’t had to have the ‘Let it out or you die’ talk with Little Dude yet because Little Dude is still in diapers and Tully doesn’t think that it’s a good idea to encourage LD to stick his hand into his pampers, because he’s in the poop stage and LD would not be sticking his hand down the front of the diaper. Yup, that’s right, Little Dude is in the oh so wonderful stage where he wants to look at his own feces. Awesome. On to other kid-related things, Daddy Ellis got checked for taking his kids to the beach instead of taking them to school because too much of that slippery slope school ditching with Daddy could cause Devin to fall behind in her school work and no one wants that- although Ellis didn’t seem over concerned that Devin was missing out on making balloon planet solar systems. I don’t see why he should be all that concerned, I mean, I’ve kind of hated models of the solar system since they decided to make Pluto not-a-planet anymore. Fuck those guys, Pluto, you’ll always be a planet to me. School sucks. You know how much it sucks? It sucks so much that even Little Dude knows that it sucks, and he just turned 2. Tully talked about how he’s a man about it and doesn’t pitch a fit over going anymore, but he does give some lip and has to suck in the huffs that want to escape because he thinks that Daddy T is going to drop him off at sucky school and then go do awesome things all day. And that’s funny, cause it’s true. Ellis then talked about how he couldn’t pick his kids up from school until 6 last night because Obama was in town and the roads were all shut down and by the time he parked and got out of his car, he got checked by the cops when he went to walk up to the school. It was extra annoying because some homeless guy was singing 60s songs at the top of his lungs right in Ellis’ ear. But, Ellis did get some cool video for the Official Jason Ellis website, as well as for his IG, of Obama’s motorcade driving by and all’s well that ends well.

Except…well, except that people popped off on Instagram regarding Ellis posting his video of the motorcade and people need to calm the fuck down. Tully brings up that it truly is a good rule to follow to never talk about politics or religion in mixed company because it’s a slippery slope and so many people are crazy passionate about it, and so many other people get entirely too angry about it. And the people who get crazy angry about it aren’t crazy angry about whatever they’re talking about, they’re just angry people, and you are not gonna win a political argument with an angry person before they kill you for arguing with them. It’s not worth it. Just know, that if you get too ridiculous on Ellis’ instagram or twitter and start getting all racist, he’s going to report your ass until you get kicked off, because there’s no need for that you ignorant bastards. This snowballs into Wilson coming in to talk about the Freedom of Information Act and that everyone from the show should file the paperwork to request their files because it would be interesting and possibly funny to see who, if anyone, has one. Tully is pretty sure that he has one because he prank called the White House when he was a teenager. Cumtard thinks that there’s one about him because of what he googles and how it involves teenager problems and preteens…and I feel creepy just typing that here. I know I’m on a watch list somewhere. Why? Because I’m paranoid and of course they are watching me. Tully noticed that Cumtard rated his mood as ‘Shitty’ on the crank-o-meter and Cumtard says that it’s just because he woke up feeling shitty and couldn’t get high and read comics before work to get himself out of the funk and he’s been trying to psych himself out of it. Tully also notices that Ellis’ mood isn’t on the crank-o-meter and asks Ellis how he’s doing today, to which Ellis responded, “I was doing pretty sweet until I realized that no one cared’ and that made me laugh a lot. Clever fuck. Ellis tells Kevin that maybe he should knock up the pornstar that he’s banging because he and Tully are happy dudes and they have kids are are way happier with kids than without them. Tully reigns in that incredibly bad advice however, by telling Ellis that kids bring him joy which has staying power, but it’s not a good idea to have kids to make yourself happy, because having kids is fucking stressful.

Back from the first break Tully and Ellis are talking about Firenadoes, which you can, hopefully, infer, is what happens when you mix together fire and a tornado. Ellis wants to make a controlled Firenado and of course, there’s a caller who can help with that, and that may in fact be coming to an Ellismania 10 near you!!! You’re hired, guy. This turned in to talking about what Ellis should get tattooed on his dick, because of course he should have a Firenado dick, but really, it’s time for World’s Greatest Thursday!!! Because there wasn’t any time to do World’s Greatest Wednesday, it is going to be done today and the topic? Why, What is the profession that Hulk Hogan can get into so that he can be rich again? Of course. The Hulk Hogan problem was brought up last week, how Hulk is awesome but Hulkomania is so over and has been so over for a long time, and Hulk is hurting for dough because his wife divorced him, took all of his money, and got married to like a 17 year old or something. And that fucking sucks. So, Hulk Hogan needs a new job!!! Between taking calls, checking out twitter, and talking amongst themselves, they come up with the following options:

Ice Cream Truck Fleet
Hogan’s Heroes
Hogan’s Churros
Create a Hulk Hogan Mega Church
Direct Traffic in a small town/become a tourist attraction
Open An Adoption Center
Professional Beard for Lesbians
Bulk-O-Mania (bulk products shopping center)
Suburban Commando
Porn Star
Golf Announcer
New To Catch A Predator Host
Give Directions to Gun Shows
Phone Sex Operator
Become A Hair Club For Men-type Spokesperson

All super great and wonderfully funny ideas, and I have never called a phone sex line, but I would if Hulk Hogan were on it, because there is no one who could say no to that! Hubbs agreed with that sentiment and I think that’s where our votes were cast. What’s it going to be? I don’t know! We’ll find out later!!!

Back from the second break Christian is in the studio to do some New Music Thursday action where he is recapping 15 of the 238 newly released albums from the month of April (aka last month). They talk for a bit about how making music isn’t the most lucrative career that’s out there anymore and that even people that are making it big aren’t making it all that big unless you reach that super mega star status, and at that point you’re probably making less money on your music than you are on endorsements and whatever shit-clothing line you put out, whatever cologne/perfume you put out, etc. But, it’s also way easier for the everyman to put an album together, thanks to technology, so if music is really the thing in life that you have a hard on for, you can still go out and get a real job and have fun doing music in your spare time. Most notably, the best music that Christian played were anniversary editions of things that came out between 20 and 30 years ago, like Nas, the BeeGees, and Cindi Lauper (whom Hardcore had never heard of before and I think that is some straight up Hardcore bullshit, because I’m not that much older than him). They talk a bit about Nirvana and how depending on your generation, Nirvana means different things to you, such as: if you are Ellis/Christian Aged Nirvana is like meh, whatever, didn’t change my life, if your Tully Aged you think Nirvana is fucking epic, man, and if you’e Hardcore’s age you think that the best thing to come from Nirvana is Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters and you are part of the Tard Generation.

Rounding out the end of the show Tully tries to bring it back around to World’s Greatest Thursday, but they then get talking about the blurb for The Jason Ellis Show that is on SiriusXM.com. It is not a good blurb. Ellis, Tully, Wilson, and Christian talk about the blurb, changing the blurb, and why it has to say more than just “The Future of Radio” but Ellis doesn’t want it to say anything other than that because any time they try and describe the show it comes off ridiculously cheesy and he hates that cheesy shit. Also, the picture has to go because it’s the picture from the first book and he hates that picture, has always hated that picture, and apparently hates the person who took that picture. Some callers offer some horrible and not so horrible but still bad suggestion, Ellis declared that Hulk Hogan should look into staring a Mega Church of Hulk Hogan to get rich again, and the show ended kind of abruptly.

Things we learned on the show today:

Bono and Johnny Depp run the same tinted glasses game

There’s SWAT level guys in the president’s motorcade and they are bloodthirsty and ready to murder you

Ellis wants James Hedfield to DM him on Twitter

Hedfield does not have a Twitter account

If Ellis were president he would have his personal chef make him the best grilled cheeses of all time

Cumtard is wearing the same cologne, Molecule, as TyPo

Free Range Chickens are chill as fuck

Monster Energy is never going to sponsor Ellis, but they sponsor Dingo, so that’s cool

Tully would rather be a free range chicken than a free range zebra

Pauly D is more famous at the Hard Rock in Vegas than Ellis is

Christian recommends checking out the new albums from Manchester Orchestra, Pop, and Cindi Lauper

The Pixies invented modern music, basically

Being a Radio DJ is not a good occupation for someone who really loves music

Who wouldn’t shop at Bulk-o-Mania?

Females would hate the nickname ‘Tommy Two Ton’ go figure

The Jason Ellis show- everything from Self-help to farts

TJES Half Mile Rap Battle

Posted on May 8, 2014 by bitPimps 中

March 7th, 2014 turned out to be a pretty important day. It was the birth of an epic honky rap battle between The Jason Ellis Show cast & crew that I’m calling “Half Mile”.

It consists of a short rap battle battle between: Ellis, Tully, Wilson, Cumtard, Jetta, & Hardcore for the chance to be named “Saltine of the Earth”. There were two rounds. First round, everyone battled. The two worst (as voted on by callers) would then be sent to the second round. In this round, the two whitest people would battle one another for supremacy of the whitest white devil of them all. Based solely on their horrific rap skills. So let’s listen to how it all played out.

Elimination Round + The Final Round