2013

Posted on November 18, 2013 by bitPimps 中

You wanna have $ to donate to charity? You gotta listen to WuFinancial advisers.

Here it is, what you’ve been waiting all weekend for. It’s Monday, Monday, MONDAY! Live, from the planet earth, it’s The Jason Ellis Show Recap! Get it in ya! MONSTER RECAP MONDAAAAY! Alright, you sold on it yet? I’m sold on it. Do you say “effin” or “friggin” or “freakin” or some variation there-of for “fuckin”? I understand. Sometimes you gotta do it, but sometimes you gotta let that genie out of the bottle, too. Try it. Say it. I’ll wait for you. Somebody said something about Katie’s laugh on Jason’s Instagram and he almost told that person that their neck was pregnant, but he didn’t. He’s not going to waste his “effin” time being all bitter and mean and “shibbidy”. Dingo got to hear about sweaty hands and Brian Deegan and how much time and energy Deegan used to waste on a hating. Bloods and Crips, one of them is better than the other, Wilson is part of MS13, Rawdog ain’t scurred of any of them because he’s Jewish for life, and Tully thinks Hollywood is really just a giant shithole. His new neighbors were scoping him out since they’re the new kids on the block and the neighbors are wondering if that means their hood is turning to shit. Betsy is donating $7,500 to charity like some kind of badass – which is fucking badass – therefore she’s badass. But nobody can figure out why she likes the show because she’s got way more class than anyone there. Tiggy’s still bringing the pain to the dirty, stinking, red headed kid at soccer. He scored 8 goals, thereby solidifying his first major step in becoming the next David Beckham. He’s definitely already surpassed Rawdog, who had the most soccer balls stolen from him during a game. How are professional athletes making so much money and getting so many breaks? Even though they’re rich as fuck and have a glamorous life, a lot of them end up broke as shit. Cry me a “effin” river.

Bomb threat? TJES ain’t scurred.

Breaking news with Wilson Pendarvis! The cops have the building surrounded and the streets blocked off because of a suspicious looking package / potential bomb threat. Which of course means that TJES could literally be on the verge of blowing the fuck up. Will’s oddly looking out the window, listening to multiple police scanners, frantically pushing buttons on his massive phone, and praying a bomb will go off to end his pain and misery. Breaking Richmond family news with Rawdog! His sister Gabi, aka “The Tooth”, is now engaged and ready for an adulterous relationship soon. Just kidding. Congratulations to her clavicle breaking ass, but fuck her fiancé because none of us know him. He could be a sweet dude, but we’ll never know. Ellis took the kids and Katie horseback riding over the weekend. And just like you’d imagine someone named “The King of The West” would do, he took a cell phone call while riding and did an interview over the phone. Hey, did you know Ellis used to skateboard? Yup, he sure did. He also watched the Mike Tyson: Undisputed Truth show this weekend, as did I, and it was fucking great. Circling back around to professional athletes and how stupid they are with money, everyone had their butthole clinch a bit when Tyson talked about being charged $8,000 for towels. Not because they were awesome towels, but because he wasn’t watching what shit-dick Don King was doing with Tyson’s money.

It hurts not so much here or here, but all over.

UFC news time, Rawdog did not watch it, GSP retained his title against Johny Hendricks (who spells Johnny with 1 N?), even though a ton of people thought he lost, including Dana White. A lot of GSP fans are pissed that anyone has an issue with him winning, of course, and apparently those people don’t like anyone to have an opinion that differs from their own. Dana was livid with the decision and blamed The Nevada State Athletic Commission, saying “they have a lot of work to do, that they make him sick, and they better figure out how to not destroy, not only the sport of boxing, but this sport, too.” Hendricks also weighed in on the matter and says he doesn’t care if GSP retires or not, he just wants what is clearly his, the belt. Josh Koscheck was brutally knocked out by Tyron Woodley in the first round, leaving many to question if Koscheck has the chin for MMA anymore. Chael Sonnen was man-handled by Rashad Evans on Saturday, eventually leading to a knockout of Sonnen, which left me shrugging my shoulders because I’m not a big fan of either of those guys. But I’d say Chael needs to stick to his TV game and by the looks from the fight, Rashad probably has a chance to stick around fighting for awhile. Robbie Lawler won his fight with Rory MacDonald in a decision left to the judges. And finally, according to Dana White, Jon Jones has withdrew from UFC 170 due to injuries.

A proud Wilson in his new Red Dragons jeans.

In other big news, your Ugg boots, the ones made out of sheep skin? Yeah, they’re made out of sheep skin and a sheep has to die for you to look ridiculous. Okay, that doesn’t actually qualify for big news, but this does. Next Tuesday, November 26th is the release party for Big Fucking Mega Boat, with a live show at some go kart track and everyone is invited, even Wilson. According to local Thailand expert, Dingo, those people are greasy and he used to be full of grease as a young boy in Thailand. NFL news time with expert professional football statistician, Rawdog. Peyton (nay Paytaun) Manning threw the ball towards other guys that were themselves running towards the goal. There was a 2 hour windy mud delay in Chicago creating what might have been the longest football game in the history of tennis. Somebody kicked a field goal and then they won. Stealers beat the Lions by going hard in the paint for rebounds. Wilson is sporting some Red Dragons jeans that make his butt look incredible and cause people to scream Red Dragons anytime he passes by shaking his money maker. Just ask Katie. And Ashley. And your mom.

Jason says the show is repping Onnit hardcore, but oddly, they never mentioned a contest sponsored by Onnit because Onnit wants to give back to TJES fans. Strange, because you’d think a shitball website dedicated to TJES & running a contest by Onnit would be worthy of a mention, but nooooo. (Calm down, it’s a joke.) Anyway. This brought us into an episode of “You sir, are a moron.” The first topic up, should you have the right to burn the American flag? Next topic, how many times jerking off in one day is too many? Next, who is the most over-rated musician of all time? Next, would you turn your mom in if she killed someone? And then, what if your wife had an outtie belly button? I think there was another one before that, but I missed it. Next, is it wrong to give money to organizations like PETA? And finally, what is the highest job in “office” (political) would anyone on the show be qualified to hold? So there ya go, questions without answers to keep you up at night. But good news, I have one more question, this time with an answer to help give you closure. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? He cried because his wife got it in the divorce, along with the farm, his 3 kids, his happiness, his money, and his dog named Tim. Oh and his dignity. And there you have it. “Don’t die” is Ellis’ saying, so I’ll end this recap in my own way, while saying pretty much the same thing.

Show Re-cap for Thursday 11/14/2013

Posted on November 14, 2013 by Az_RedDragon

So have you ever wondered what life is about? What it all means? What it’s like to have two dicks in your mouth at the same time. I bet it’s exhausting and uncomfortable. Much like life when you try to take on too much and don’t slow down to enjoy the simple things,

Two Girls, One Lizard

like one dick in your mouth. This applies to everybody, except Sasha Grey, she loves to have dicks crammed in her mouth like a dick mouth cramming machine. But some people like many many dicks in them, that’s not wrong, it’s just their thing and if that’s cool with them then that’s cool with me. They talked about many fetishes and how some of the things that seemed forbidden and taboo twenty years ago are pretty much normal now. And in the interest of normal, Baby Man called in and said that he and his wife get off on him acting like a baby and pissing himself and chillin in a giant crib. There are many other fetishes that people are into like peeing on each other, bondage, spanking, dressing as a magical liger from the land of boners, and other completely normal and healthy sexual ventures.

Did you watch The Ultimate Fighter last night? I didn’t, I was busy making fun of the people who are trying to find Bigfoot but I recorded it so no spoilers. Apparently everyone is being a whiney little bitch and they hate this one girl because she is wining and the rest of them are not. I also believe that all the women in the house have started their periods at the same time because according to the internet that shit happens. Red Tide. Brian Deegan (@mmgeneral) came into the studio to talk about all kinds of shit. He talked about being in the LOORS, thats Lucas Oil Offroad Racing Series for you sissy girls, and how he’s trying to move to pro something from pro something else. He also talked about the Lucas Oil Championships the he won, black flag (not the band apparently), and feeling with your ass. There was some other Australian bloke that likes to party in the snow there with them.

You think your kids awesome, bet he doesn’t have a GoPro video to prove it!

Apparently this dude is some kick ass X-Games mother fucker, I’d give you more information but I’m lazy and you don’t really care anyway and these are not the droids you’re looking for. They also talked about Ken Block. A lot. So much that now I have an urge to name my next born child Ken Block. Speaking of Ken Block, Deegan (briandeegan38) and Twitch used to be friends, then they weren’t, but they’re back to being friends now so happy days are here again. As great, and long, as this interview was my app timed out and restarted with Butt Town. As much as I’m interested in the last bit of Deegan and hearing how his kid is better than everyone else I think I’ll just move on.

Aussie news on a Perth freeway a man was caught on a dash cam head butting cars. Woman turned down a dudes marriage proposal so the dude sent her a bill for two hundred grand for everything he spent courting her. Also in amazing news from an Australian, other channels on SiriusXm are now promoting Ellismania.com on their channels. A man in London got arrested for shoving a fire extinguisher up his butt, fondling himself, and stripping naked. He also claimed the entire country is being invaded by Al Qaeda and pissed on the floor. This dude parties better than you. Speaking of parties, I am the master of segways with this shit I swear, they did Wolfknife names next! They were awesome, so awesome that I forgot to write any of them down for you. Sucks to be you! But thank god there are replays in the morning and maybe you can hear it there, unless you’re one of the three guys bitching about it, then you can go fuck yourself with your sisters dick. Final calls happened, much

My reaction to your Wolfknife name.

like it happens every day, and much like everyday, the callers are shit tards and don’t know how to ask intelligent questions let alone are able to talk when their name is mentioned. Oh and Ellis’s insurance company keeps jacking him around with the Porsche dealership repair shop and getting his car fixed. They took a look at the charts and something and figure that this new Death!Death!Die! album should be bigger than the Tainstick album, but that is neither here nor there, it’s a CD. That was a joke, maybe you should read it again. Did you get it? Oh well, this kind of comedy isn’t for everybody. Remember that no matter how hard life gets its never gonna be as hard as the thousands and thousands of dicks that have penetrated yer mums sockets, OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 6/29/2012

Posted on June 29, 2012 by bitPimps 中

Ronnie Faisst

Happy WGAFF mofo’s! The guys, along with @UnderwearWolf and @TheDingoInSnow, are at the X Games so that’s where they did the show from today. Apparently while the show was on, it was a pretty big sausage fest – one would assume because it’s too early for whores to be up, like vampires, they’re active at night. Also, since Ellis comes from the X Games world and is friends with so many people in that world, this is going to be jam packed with name drops. The first guests on the show were Ronnie Faisst (@ronniefaisst) and Diogo Simoes (@diogosimoes1) as they were watching some step-up moto practice. As you could imagine, being at the X Games, it’s hard to take callers and read twitter so interaction was pretty limited. It doesn’t make for the greatest of radio shows, but hearing Faisst say that he doesn’t touch his weiner because Jesus doesn’t approve was pretty fuckin’ hilarious.

Carey Hart

Next on the show was Carey Hart (@hartluck) talking about how he hurt his back and his hand recently and this will be his last X Games, but he will continue other shit like the Dew Tour and racing trucks. He says he just can’t keep up, he’s getting older and getting hurt more so it’s time, but he will continue to ride on his own, just not compete. He also jacks off at times even though he’s still getting play from his wife, Pink (@Pink). Next up was Jamie Bestwick (@jamiebestwick), all of you should be very familiar with him because Ellis loved doing unfavorable impressions of him for almost a year straight. I think one of the most entertaining parts of his interview was when he called it a “Teeyoter” instead of “Toyota” and “Tuckson” Arizona instead of “Tucson”, gotta love those Brits. Poor Rawdog was getting teased, in a friendly way, from all the guys about his eating habits and how deep his belly button is, due to chicken nugget breakfasts and hamburger dinners.

Brian Deegan

Let’s see, who’s next… Brian Deegan (@mmgeneral) and him talking about how his spleen or kidney or both split like a hotdog and he’s always wondered if they just didn’t need a spare and took his. We finally got to hear Rawdog call out what he was watching, a la JagerBeard, but completely sober and not in character – which is very similar. Ellis asked Bry Like A Deegan what he thought about Ken Block while they were talking rally. Not one to beat around the bush much, Deegles says Ken is a good driver, a great marketer, but not so much of a racer. Mitchie Brusco (@Mitchiebrusco84) was next up on the show, he’s that 15 year-old skater kid that called a 900 number or some shit. They kind of grilled him too, in a friendly way as well, and he seemed to take everything in stride and with a really good attitude, so that’s pretty cool of little dude. It’s speculated he could take Rawdog in a fight too. Still, as cool and accomplished as he is at such a young age, it’s weird to hear a 15 year-old on the show, but I get it.

Hooters chicks

Hooter’s girls stopped by to bring some wings for the guys, low and behold, Ellis recognized both of them from the pageant he had just previously judged. In case you missed the pageant, one of those chicks (the hot one maybe? not that one, the other one) said it re-airs this Sunday, but she’s a woman so who knows if that’s true or not. I mean, we all know women don’t know shit from apple butter. Cullen (@Cullensaidthis) was nice enough to snap and share a photo of @imVictoriaBrown and some other chick named Afton Storton or something. Robbie Maddison (@robbiemaddison) came on the show and said he had just did a stunt in an upcoming James Bond film, but couldn’t talk about it. When asked what’s the furthest he’s jumped, his answer was “I don’t know”. So there ya go kiddies, watch out for those concussions! And like Bestwick, we get to make fun of his foreigner speech habits, as he called a “Mercedes” a “Merseedies”.

And finally, Manny Santiago (@Mannyslaysall) and Twitch (@twitchthis) were the last ones to stop by the show. And of course Twitch and Ellis had to express their undying love for one another as only two crazy fuckers can. By pulling down their pants and pressing each half of their gay love tattoo on their legs together to form the love bond and insulting one another as much as possible. Holy shit rope! Was that not a star packed re-cap or what? You know what’s funny about all those names listed above? It doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of the full list of famous, not famous, homeless, and down right disgusting people your mom has filled her putrid fuckhole with. OH!