Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/12/2014

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dingogram

Dingogram!

What’s up with Monday sucking so much ball gravy? Getting real tired of your shit, Monday. Happy late Mother’s Day to all the baby mamma’s out there. Hope you had a good day, because it’s back to your normal bullshit now. So you might still be something when  you’re dead. I mean, that’s not confirmed, there’s some investigation and science that needs to happen, but it might be true. Ellis is going to find out soon enough when he has his heart surgery, then goes to Peru, and then trips on ayahuasca. Aubrey’s done it, Joe’s done it, and they’re smart and still here and functioning. I think this might be the first subject on the show that Dingo hasn’t pretended to be an expert on, so I think we all might need to trip balls a few more times just so Dingo has to do more psychedelics just to catch up to the rest of the world. Not to be mean of course, just to rub it in, in a friendly manner. He’s ready to go to Peru and take a mind trip with Ellis, Tully however, is not. Speaking of Dingo, he went to Malibu or some shit this weekend and saw a bunch of famous people like the handsome John C. Reilly. Dingo will also be going to Street League and Ellis will not. Dingo says he would be willing to try and get interviews for the show, which is cool, but Dingo has let Ellis down before so let’s not get too overly excited just yet. Dingo also has been going to Vegas to be in Lil Jon’s video or some shit and pouring champagne on motherfuckers and passing out shots. He’s been doing it for years so he’s totally unimpressed. OVER IT. He misses his cues, he fucks up and sprays champagne at the wrong time, he falls off the stage sometimes. He don’t give a shit. He’s in Lil Jon’s video, what does he think about it? Big whoop. Here’s a link to the “official” video that Dingo is not in and here’s a link to the other video that Dingo is in. (around the 2:28 mark) According to Tully (and The Source “Dingo”), Lil Jon is a really nice guy. And that may be true, but this is without a doubt the most I’ve ever discussed Lil Jon and that makes me feel weird – so it’s time to move on.

come-sit

I’m in the bathroom with Kenda.

Is finger banging and old lady like putting eye cream on a set of old wrinkly eye lids? Do animals lick each other’s genitals? Tully & Dingo say no, Ellis says yes, so then Dingo says yes. As it turns out, bats suck bat dick, or at least the lick bat dick. Tig McPickles is getting into some shit at school, not listening, saying his dad would kick another kid’s dads ass, etc. Papa Fifty is almost dead or likely to die sooner rather than later, he also has his own Instagram now. So UFC was this past weekend and Tully lost his bet, because he put his money on the Brazilian bitch, who of course lost. Looks like he’ll be spinning the Wheel of Doom. Kenda called in to talk about her titties and how much she desires them to be sucked on – just kidding – it was MMA News. Kenda lives in a condo with a community pool, she’s sitting by the pool now, waiting for someone to come suckle her teets – just kidding – she’s in the bathroom of the community pool taking a dump – just kidding – she’s in there so she can talk while her phone is plugged in to her ass – just kidding – it’s plugged into the wall. She recently had a wet dream about Ellis – just kidding – it was a dry dream, but Ellis was in it. Michael Sam got drafted into the NFL as the 249th pick by the Rams, if you remember, he’s the openly gay football player from Missouri. He cried and kissed his boyfriend and as you might have guessed, some people took issue with that.

coming-with-facts

Coming in hard with some factual shit.

Tully stepped up to spin the Wheel of Doom, he landed on “Spanked by Will” and he has to fart, or possibly shit, and piss, so he has no idea how this is going to go. To get things setup, Tully pulls down his pants (underwear on), bends over Will’s good knee, and gets spanked so he learns his lesson. Learns it real good. Now everyone wants boner inducing spanks from Will. Time for a history game between Ellis and Dingo as hosted by Mike “My Ass Is Kind of Stingy” Tully. Who was Machiavelli? He was a drug running in the 1400’s who invented pizza, rode horses with a saddle, and started the movement of separating Sicilian and Italians. Who was Mussolini? Another Italian, a general, started a revolution when he invented the dumpling during a war with the world for the second time, and was executed for his evil empire against pastries and music. AIDs, it jumped from monkeys to humans because the junky monkeys shared needles, then someone cut a monkey, fuck it, cut it up, sliced them selves because the Slap-Chop™ had not been invented yet, and then under cooked the HIV monkey and BAM! You just got the AIDs. Why did Muhammed Ali refuse to be drafted into the war? He was Muslim and said that’s bullshit and then served some time for that shit and there ya go. There was a Rocky Marciano movie, what the fuck do you wanna know about him? He used to do shows, people hired him to do stand-up at bars, and he drank a lot, fucked a carrot and that’s how we got stuck with Carrot Top. Dingo was born, in a world, in 1986. But that’s also when the Russians got nuclearized by Chernobyl, fish got 3 eyes, bitches got 7 tits, and there was all kinds of fucked up shit, all the Gernobyly people got died unless they escaped to LA to block Ellis’ driveway. Right around the same time, Maria Shriver married Schwarzenegger, created a nice little family, stopped blowing Arnie, she turned bitter, he turned bitter, she fucked herself, he fucked the maid. That or she’s the freaky one and wanted him to fuck maids, get them pregnant, and call him a pussy while she rubs one out in the corner. William Shakespeare wrote plays, worked for French people and shit, and if it wasn’t for him there would be no Spielberg. The Red Baron is a dog or a chicken who loves also loves chicken and flies a dog house with wings, he was a Nazi and killed mad people and children, also his pizza is complete shit. Charlie Chaplin was a famous entertainer, his house is now a Russian restaurant run by Australians, he owned more property than anyone else in LA, and was very dark and would do creepy shit to women, he was a real loose unit, and Hitler stole his mustache. Abraham Lincoln was huge, he invented a car, he was a dark human being, he tried to free the blacks with commandments but with more important shit, he wrote a bunch of shit down that said “this is what’s up” and changed the game. Democrats shot him because they knew Obamacare was coming. The Civil War, what was so civil about it anyway? It happened on the east coast, red coats versus blue coats, no motherfuckers thought of wearing camouflage, nobody knew how to step out of the way of shit that can kill you, they were pretty fucked up. We watched Mel Gibson’s son die because of some cocksuckers, and if it wasn’t for Colonel Gibson, we’d all be eating French bread, all over a racist confederate Texas flag while eating blacks, which is crazy because blacks fought each other to see who could get eaten first. Dingo remembers North, South, East, West by reciting a cute little phrase, “Never Eat Soggy Weetbix”, so maybe that will help you to remember the four major points on the compass too! And there you have it, hopefully everyone learned something.

fuck-yeah

I’ll get off your toilet for a measly $6k.

Mr. T won’t get off the toilet for less than $100k or some shit, so let’s see what it takes to get some other celebrities off the shitter. Jose Canseco got paid $100k (?) for his last celebrity boxing thing. How much to get Carmen Electra to show up at a party? $100k. How much to get Huge Jackman to show up to your shithole? $250k. How much to get Puffy to show up and shut up? $500k. Pauly Shore? $30k, buuuuddy. Wendy Williams? $10k. Drake? $1M  James Earl Jones? $1M. Chelsea Handler? $100k to show up, $150k to bang her. Cher? $1.5M to show up, $0.75 to eat her out. Mötley Crüe? $150k. Khloé Kardashian? $150k + $100k in food. Slayer? $30k. Avril Lavigne? $350k, no touching. Conversation turned to ayahuasca again and we got calls from listener’s who knew a guy who knew a guy who saw a guy at a truck stop who told about a guy that knew a sherman who puked and shit himself and talked to dead people who didn’t drink coffee. It was a real eye opener – just kidding – it was fucktarded. We heard about some stupid bitch in Edmonton who attacked a dude on a subway in Edmonton, of course it’s a fucking world star video. This was a perfect lead into final calls – sadly nobody dropped a “world star son, world star, world star, world star” until they got shot. And that, my friends, wraps this baby up nice and neat like a turd with a bow on it. Enjoy it. Love it. Make out with it. Peel your banana to the left, peel your banana to the right, peel your banana and uh, take a bite! YAY!

Show Re-cap for Friday 5/9/2014

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How you like that Ellisfam? You get me not once, but twice this week! I’m filling in while Az_Reddragon is getting drunk and loudly ordering 20 Doritos locos tacos to a confused and probably offended waiter in Mexico right now. Hang in there dude, if you believe in it hard enough, the double deckers will appear. Speaking of believing in yourself: Drago in Rocky IV did not believe in himself enough. All of Russia’s top man sculpting scientists pumped him full of Gatorade and wrote on clipboards while he shadowboxed in rooms made of Soviet flags, and yet they still couldn’t genetically engineer HEART, SON! And Rocky may have a fucked up lip, but that son of a bitch has heart….Along with a terrible boxing stance and stilts in his shoes. Which brought Tully to talk about people’s national anthems and how they all seem to have the same sentiment of ”
Hey look at us we are so awesome and you other countries suck” Ellis asked Tully why all those celebrities are holding signs up about bringing those girls home (?) and Will explained the situation, and why celebrities do that. For some reason this spun Ellis to his favorite News Reindeer Wolf Blitzen, and a story he saw on his show where some Christian guys on TV  got fired because they protested in an Anti-gay rally before and have very conservative, anti-gay views. Ellis reckons this was unfair, because even though he completely disagrees with that ideology, he still recognizes that the guys have a right to voice their beliefs. Tully mentioned how it is a striking hypocrisy among the media how you can get away with taking shots at Christians all day long, but if you say anything disparaging about a gay person you will be fired and publicly shamed, ruining your career. Ellis asked why this is. Tully said that the media is very liberal, and the reason they are liberal is because they are more “Intellectually curious” and Ellis said “more open minded” and nonnononononononn back out! Pull up! Maverick! Pull up!!

8130

WHEW! Narrowly avoided a bunch of angry callers on that one and listening to Tully and listeners yell at each other. So we are going to sprint the fuck away from that terrible topic. Hey you know what’s kind of funny? Ellis doesn’t know the order that the months fall in. Or he does, but it took him a long ass time and he only knows the first five because of that Wyclef Jean song.

Someone sent a bunch of stuff to the studio as presents, and Tully said it’d be sweet if just one of these times, it were full of bricks of cocaine. Tully needs to do some coke to get it out of his system already. But as it turns out, it wasn’t sweet, sweet cocaine, it was a goody box of Kulture merch, (alleged pipes and bongs allegedly alleged). They all seemed pretty pumped on the stuff even though I never saw what they got so I’ll assume it’s sweet. Go check those dudes out.

*update: I forgot while I was writing, but I’m sober now, so if you go to these guys site, use the. Coupon code Ellis41 to get a discount. thanks guys!

Ellis was once in an Australian soap opera called “The Henderson Kids” when he was really young. Will says he has tried time and time again to find the footage of Ellis in the show but can’t find him anywhere in the mix. So please, if you are the type of person who is good at finding that kind of shit, please get right the fuck on that. The talk of the old days made Ellis remember a story where he was modeling and to hide his wiener in his see-through pants, a dude reached down and stuffed tissue paper over his wang. Grabbed quite a bit’ o’ that package while he was down there too, if you know what I mean. The conversation spun around whether if touching normally private areas is expected behavior on a modeling set, where everyone is being professional. The main point being: If you’re a dude and you are putting an adhesive star over Carmen Electra’s nipple, you are enjoying the shit out of that. I can honestly say that If I ever get within a foot of Carmen Electra I’m taking her to the top of the Empire State building and you can fuck right off. Back to the topic at hand, though. So if it is true that people in the modeling industry still love seeing model titties, it would stand to reason that gynecologists are counted among the world’s biggest geniuses perverts. Can you imagine punching out for lunch knowing you’ve already seen 6 vaginas? A Gyno even called in to confirm, that yes, they are getting creepy on your snatch. His words, not mine. A medical doctor used the word snatch at least twice in a 3 minute phone call. Think about that, ladies.

MMA fighter Matt Brown made some comments about women being in the UFC, like how they don’t knock each other out because of the physical frame of them and how he’d like to bang some of them. Not outlandish comments, and he was being funny, but is kind of a shit thing to say when you work for the UFC, and women’s MMA is still so new and is working hard to prove itself in the male dominated world of fighting. But fuck it, say what you want dude. I bring this up because Tully and Ellis placed a bet for Monday on the Brown/Silva fight this weekend on Fox Sports1, where the loser will spin the wheel. Oh, speaking of the wheel they added a bunch more shit to it. What did they add? I honestly don’t remember, and I can never keep them all straight anyway, so let’s just wait until Monday and hear some good old fashioned torture. They also handed out Wolfknife names and I didn’t write any of those down either, though it was a particularly fun edition of the segment. Probably should have done that. Oh well, fuck you it’s Friday. I did write some notes, including the words “Boxer Troll” which I am going to recap the fuck out of right now!

boxing troll

Ken Block, co-founder of DC Shoes, and longtime friend of Ellis, came on the show today. I’m not entirely sure what he was there to promote, but I’m not sure it really matters. It was sort of just a hang. He does have his Gymkhana (I swear all these years I thought Ellis was saying Jim Conner.) which is some sweet ass rally racing. He brought along some RC cars for Ellis’ kids and one special one for Cumtard’s balls. If you don’t remember the good old scrotum pulling apparatus, it’s a big spiky thing meant for balls, and then you hook the other end of it up to a fast RC car and boom, comedy. Ken Block’s RC cars are no fucking joke either, those sons of bitches were loud, which only makes me think they were fast and powerful as hell too. Haha, Kevin’s balls. Haha.

Aaron Lewis gave an interview where he mentioned his appearance on TJES, and admitted it was a time in his career where he maybe went too far or got too heated. But when he said it, he didn’t say anything disparaging about the show, just mentioned it like it was any other show. Ellis appreciated that and said it kinda made him like Lewis a little bit.

In Kevin’s Diarrhea News: His diarrhea comes and goes these days. He went to the doctor, shit in a hat and the doc said his shit was fine. But, Kevin still has the wet hot browns, so he is going to see a specialist.

 

And finally, today was Hardcore’s final day (PursuitofCrappiness on IG) as an intern on the show. They asked him if he still hated everyone on the show as much as he did on day 1, and surprisingly, he said he would stick around if they paid him. Progress. He said that at first he found the show to be a little misogynistic and homophobic even, but obviously being around the show for more than a day will do that. He took a shot at the punch pad and scored high enough to land himself at the #9 slot all time. So goodbye, Hardcore. Your utter contempt for the show and it’s fans on a daily basis will only be shadowed by your uncommonly awful Cast Away tattoos. Good on ya, Hardcore, we love how you hate us. Have a good weekend, everybody.

 

The End......???

The End……???

 

 

Show Recap for Thursday 5/8/2014

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Holy Crap!! I just worked some magic and got my laptop to mostly work!!!! Woo Hoo! Go me! I’m Awesome!!!! I mean, it was really slow magic because it took like an hour, but slow magic is still magic and I’m able to type normally in the little text input box and everything, so, I’m feeling pretty darn good. Boom. You know what else is feeling pretty darn good? The thighs that I call thunder. They are sore as fuck from working out and every time I crouched down today they were yelling at me, but in that sweet way that tells me that my thighs will always be thunder but they will be solid muscle thunder. Boom. Thundahhhhhhhh….

Now on to The Jason Ellis Show hosted by sexual degenerate Jason Ellis, who can hear better today, but kind of feels like he’s going blind. Bummer. Ellis is blaming it on the show and being forced to look at writing all the day long, or, you know, all the four hours long, instead of looking at things that he’s meant to look at like his toes or the grass. And when I say grass in my head, I say it with the soft a like he says it, instead of the skanky hard a that I would normally say and it makes me smile a bit because my thoughts sound more sophisticated and all I’m doing is thinking about grahhhhhss. Tully brings up that eyes were really only designed to last for about 40 years before they turned to shit because that’s how long that people used to be alive because that’s how long that we needed to grow old enough to reproduce and then keep our offspring from dying. Tully also has been noticing a deterioration of his eyesight and has been wearing glasses at night while he’s watching his basketball (because I guess that it’s still basketball season) and he’s had those glasses for two years but hasn’t been wearing them because when he puts them on he looks like he’s 47 and it’s like looking into the scary scary not too distant for Ellis future. It’s kind of weird both to Tully and Ellis that Tully doesn’t look good in his glasses because Tully really seems like a glasses wearing kind of guy, like Bono, but it’s prolly just the frames. I mean, Bono has been wearing his tinted peeper aids for decades and he’s got his frame game on lock. Ellis is doing good on his glasses game as well, probably because he has signature sunglasses and Electric Visual will take the frames and put Ellis’ prescription into them. Must be nice to be on top, Ellis, must be nice. But…he might not actually be on the tippity top since they say that it’s too expensive to put tinted lenses in on a one off pair for Ellis so….whatever. Ellis mentions that people who hate on guys who wear sunglasses or tinted lenses all of the time are lame and just jealous that they aren’t comfortable enough to wear sunglasses whenever they want to. Ellis says he’ll wear his sunnies in the studio sometimes just because he feels like it and it makes him feel more comfortable, and that made me feel a lot less weird for all of the times I walked around inside of buildings with my 5 dollar street pair planted firmly on my face. Boom. Beeteedubs, Jetta is wearing his glasses today and he looks good in them and maybe he should wear them everyday so that he could look sweet.

There was some talk about fake boobies in here somewhere and it had something to do with sunglasses, but I didn’t take good enough notes to know why sunglasses and fake tits relate to one another. Hmmmm…I can’t even think of a joke that would make them relate to one another. Whatever. It had something to do with skinny chicks with big tits and how once upon a time one of Katie’s friends in Portland used to tell people that Katie’s boobies were fake because she’s a skinny girl with a nice rack (and a nice ass, as if you didn’t already know) and it wasn’t as common a thing back in the day for tinier chicks to have big tits. Nowadays everyone is used to seeing skinny chicks with awesome tata’s so it’s not as big of a thing to go around saying, “Well, they must be fake.” And yeah, bitches do things like that, and I think it’s because mad bitches be all kinds of jealous because they don’t know what a pain in the ass having a sweet pair of knockers is. My bff is 4’11, about 100 pounds, and about 30 or those pounds is in her tits and when she worked for a news site here in New York and had to cover classy events, snobby bitches used to constantly do the fake girl whisper (read: they talk low, but still loud enough for you to hear, while looking at you but not making eye contact) and say she had fake knockers. I’ve known this bitch since the fifth grade…they’re real. Bitches be hatin’. Anyway…what was I saying? Katie has a nice rack, bitches be jealous, fake boobs…oh, right, fake boobs are much more commonplace nowadays and no longer qualify as ho’ status and are much more housewife status, so now the smack gets talked about bitches with butt implants. Yeah. Butt implants are a thing, but they haven’t evolved to the point where Ellis is unable to tell fake booties from the real deal.

Speaking of gonads, Ellis had to bro-down with Tiggie about foreskin again recently, and I’m not really sure why because I’m not a guy and I don’t have foreskin or know anyone with one, but it seems like it has something to do with rolling back foreskin and letting the top out to breathe, and cleaning, and….if you don’t do it the doctor is gonna cut off the foreskin and Tiggie may be five but he’s man enough to know that losing a bit of his genitalia doesn’t sound like that much fun. But it’s cool, cause Big Daddy J talked it out with him and got it all resolved. Tully hasn’t had to have the ‘Let it out or you die’ talk with Little Dude yet because Little Dude is still in diapers and Tully doesn’t think that it’s a good idea to encourage LD to stick his hand into his pampers, because he’s in the poop stage and LD would not be sticking his hand down the front of the diaper. Yup, that’s right, Little Dude is in the oh so wonderful stage where he wants to look at his own feces. Awesome. On to other kid-related things, Daddy Ellis got checked for taking his kids to the beach instead of taking them to school because too much of that slippery slope school ditching with Daddy could cause Devin to fall behind in her school work and no one wants that- although Ellis didn’t seem over concerned that Devin was missing out on making balloon planet solar systems. I don’t see why he should be all that concerned, I mean, I’ve kind of hated models of the solar system since they decided to make Pluto not-a-planet anymore. Fuck those guys, Pluto, you’ll always be a planet to me. School sucks. You know how much it sucks? It sucks so much that even Little Dude knows that it sucks, and he just turned 2. Tully talked about how he’s a man about it and doesn’t pitch a fit over going anymore, but he does give some lip and has to suck in the huffs that want to escape because he thinks that Daddy T is going to drop him off at sucky school and then go do awesome things all day. And that’s funny, cause it’s true. Ellis then talked about how he couldn’t pick his kids up from school until 6 last night because Obama was in town and the roads were all shut down and by the time he parked and got out of his car, he got checked by the cops when he went to walk up to the school. It was extra annoying because some homeless guy was singing 60s songs at the top of his lungs right in Ellis’ ear. But, Ellis did get some cool video for the Official Jason Ellis website, as well as for his IG, of Obama’s motorcade driving by and all’s well that ends well.

Except…well, except that people popped off on Instagram regarding Ellis posting his video of the motorcade and people need to calm the fuck down. Tully brings up that it truly is a good rule to follow to never talk about politics or religion in mixed company because it’s a slippery slope and so many people are crazy passionate about it, and so many other people get entirely too angry about it. And the people who get crazy angry about it aren’t crazy angry about whatever they’re talking about, they’re just angry people, and you are not gonna win a political argument with an angry person before they kill you for arguing with them. It’s not worth it. Just know, that if you get too ridiculous on Ellis’ instagram or twitter and start getting all racist, he’s going to report your ass until you get kicked off, because there’s no need for that you ignorant bastards. This snowballs into Wilson coming in to talk about the Freedom of Information Act and that everyone from the show should file the paperwork to request their files because it would be interesting and possibly funny to see who, if anyone, has one. Tully is pretty sure that he has one because he prank called the White House when he was a teenager. Cumtard thinks that there’s one about him because of what he googles and how it involves teenager problems and preteens…and I feel creepy just typing that here. I know I’m on a watch list somewhere. Why? Because I’m paranoid and of course they are watching me. Tully noticed that Cumtard rated his mood as ‘Shitty’ on the crank-o-meter and Cumtard says that it’s just because he woke up feeling shitty and couldn’t get high and read comics before work to get himself out of the funk and he’s been trying to psych himself out of it. Tully also notices that Ellis’ mood isn’t on the crank-o-meter and asks Ellis how he’s doing today, to which Ellis responded, “I was doing pretty sweet until I realized that no one cared’ and that made me laugh a lot. Clever fuck. Ellis tells Kevin that maybe he should knock up the pornstar that he’s banging because he and Tully are happy dudes and they have kids are are way happier with kids than without them. Tully reigns in that incredibly bad advice however, by telling Ellis that kids bring him joy which has staying power, but it’s not a good idea to have kids to make yourself happy, because having kids is fucking stressful.

Back from the first break Tully and Ellis are talking about Firenadoes, which you can, hopefully, infer, is what happens when you mix together fire and a tornado. Ellis wants to make a controlled Firenado and of course, there’s a caller who can help with that, and that may in fact be coming to an Ellismania 10 near you!!! You’re hired, guy. This turned in to talking about what Ellis should get tattooed on his dick, because of course he should have a Firenado dick, but really, it’s time for World’s Greatest Thursday!!! Because there wasn’t any time to do World’s Greatest Wednesday, it is going to be done today and the topic? Why, What is the profession that Hulk Hogan can get into so that he can be rich again? Of course. The Hulk Hogan problem was brought up last week, how Hulk is awesome but Hulkomania is so over and has been so over for a long time, and Hulk is hurting for dough because his wife divorced him, took all of his money, and got married to like a 17 year old or something. And that fucking sucks. So, Hulk Hogan needs a new job!!! Between taking calls, checking out twitter, and talking amongst themselves, they come up with the following options:

Ice Cream Truck Fleet
Hogan’s Heroes
Hogan’s Churros
Create a Hulk Hogan Mega Church
Direct Traffic in a small town/become a tourist attraction
Open An Adoption Center
Professional Beard for Lesbians
Bulk-O-Mania (bulk products shopping center)
Suburban Commando
Porn Star
Golf Announcer
New To Catch A Predator Host
Give Directions to Gun Shows
Phone Sex Operator
Become A Hair Club For Men-type Spokesperson

All super great and wonderfully funny ideas, and I have never called a phone sex line, but I would if Hulk Hogan were on it, because there is no one who could say no to that! Hubbs agreed with that sentiment and I think that’s where our votes were cast. What’s it going to be? I don’t know! We’ll find out later!!!

Back from the second break Christian is in the studio to do some New Music Thursday action where he is recapping 15 of the 238 newly released albums from the month of April (aka last month). They talk for a bit about how making music isn’t the most lucrative career that’s out there anymore and that even people that are making it big aren’t making it all that big unless you reach that super mega star status, and at that point you’re probably making less money on your music than you are on endorsements and whatever shit-clothing line you put out, whatever cologne/perfume you put out, etc. But, it’s also way easier for the everyman to put an album together, thanks to technology, so if music is really the thing in life that you have a hard on for, you can still go out and get a real job and have fun doing music in your spare time. Most notably, the best music that Christian played were anniversary editions of things that came out between 20 and 30 years ago, like Nas, the BeeGees, and Cindi Lauper (whom Hardcore had never heard of before and I think that is some straight up Hardcore bullshit, because I’m not that much older than him). They talk a bit about Nirvana and how depending on your generation, Nirvana means different things to you, such as: if you are Ellis/Christian Aged Nirvana is like meh, whatever, didn’t change my life, if your Tully Aged you think Nirvana is fucking epic, man, and if you’e Hardcore’s age you think that the best thing to come from Nirvana is Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters and you are part of the Tard Generation.

Rounding out the end of the show Tully tries to bring it back around to World’s Greatest Thursday, but they then get talking about the blurb for The Jason Ellis Show that is on SiriusXM.com. It is not a good blurb. Ellis, Tully, Wilson, and Christian talk about the blurb, changing the blurb, and why it has to say more than just “The Future of Radio” but Ellis doesn’t want it to say anything other than that because any time they try and describe the show it comes off ridiculously cheesy and he hates that cheesy shit. Also, the picture has to go because it’s the picture from the first book and he hates that picture, has always hated that picture, and apparently hates the person who took that picture. Some callers offer some horrible and not so horrible but still bad suggestion, Ellis declared that Hulk Hogan should look into staring a Mega Church of Hulk Hogan to get rich again, and the show ended kind of abruptly.

Things we learned on the show today:

Bono and Johnny Depp run the same tinted glasses game

There’s SWAT level guys in the president’s motorcade and they are bloodthirsty and ready to murder you

Ellis wants James Hedfield to DM him on Twitter

Hedfield does not have a Twitter account

If Ellis were president he would have his personal chef make him the best grilled cheeses of all time

Cumtard is wearing the same cologne, Molecule, as TyPo

Free Range Chickens are chill as fuck

Monster Energy is never going to sponsor Ellis, but they sponsor Dingo, so that’s cool

Tully would rather be a free range chicken than a free range zebra

Pauly D is more famous at the Hard Rock in Vegas than Ellis is

Christian recommends checking out the new albums from Manchester Orchestra, Pop, and Cindi Lauper

The Pixies invented modern music, basically

Being a Radio DJ is not a good occupation for someone who really loves music

Who wouldn’t shop at Bulk-o-Mania?

Females would hate the nickname ‘Tommy Two Ton’ go figure

The Jason Ellis show- everything from Self-help to farts

 

 

TJES Half Mile Rap Battle

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March 7th, 2014 turned out to be a pretty important day. It was the birth of an epic honky rap battle between The Jason Ellis Show cast & crew that I’m calling “Half Mile”.

It consists of a short rap battle battle between: Ellis, Tully, Wilson, Cumtard, Jetta, & Hardcore for the chance to be named “Saltine of the Earth”. There were two rounds. First round, everyone battled. The two worst (as voted on by callers) would then be sent to the second round. In this round, the two whitest people would battle one another for supremacy of the whitest white devil of them all. Based solely on their horrific rap skills. So let’s listen to how it all played out.

Elimination Round + The Final Round

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 5/7/2014

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Hello and welcome, all you fish baby froggy blobs, to the Wednesday recap of the Jason Ellis Show. In this installment of the NYA recap, watch and witness as I try and race to the end of this recap before the effects of these sleeping pills and melatonin kick in and I wake up in the closet yet again. Normally, I would take all the pills and try to rub one out before I pass out, but I have a ridiculous amount of dedication to letting you know all the things you missed on TJES. Or all the shit you heard earlier and are just baby birding all of the show’s content vomit because you are sad, alone and already ejaculated tonight.

Jason says we all came from frog people who crawled out of the ocean and therefore we are more closely related to the fish people. Tully corrected him and said Monkey’s were closer and Jason countered with MERMAIDS MOTHERFUCKER! FACE TULLY! IN YOUR FACE! The world, as a whole, would stop hating each other so much if we could only band together to hate someone else together. So if aliens ever do invade we can spray them with our fire hoses and sick our gigantic dogs on them together. Hate sure can be fun. Speaking of hate, Jason hates the people that live around him because people keep parking in his spot. The landlord said to take pictures of the license plates and he will report them to the police and they will get a ticket. Now, Jason isn’t so into it (Except for on the one dude who was a dick to Katie), but Tully on the other hand, would turn that into a hobby. The image of Tully riding around in a rascal scooter taking flip cam photos of parking infractions and sending them to the Chief of Police should be a bit on OfficialJasonEllis.com . Do it, pussies.

Today is special for more reasons than the sweet boner I slammed in a door before work. Today happens to be Jetta’s birthday (Go wish that fucker a happy birthday) and everyone on the show worked together to plan a special day for him and even got him a super awesome cake from a custom cake place that Jason paid for. Everyone kind of fucked up the cake situation and played the blame game pointing fingers and yelling accusations at each other in helium afflicted voices. This whole fiasco got more convoluted than the plot to Casino, to I’ll try to take it easy.

A rare picture from the cutthroat world of the green room.

A rare picture from the cutthroat world of the green room.

Ahem, ok, so Kevin, as Marilyn Mon-hoe came in to sing a sexy helium filled rendition of happy birthday to Jetta. That was awesome. Then we hear that someone dropped the cake and it was all fucked up. Hardcore eventually owned up to it because he doesn’t give two shits about Jetta’s birthday, anyone on the show, or you for that matter so go fuck yourself. Upon further investigation, Cumtard didn’t get the cake from the bakery Jason suggested because he didn’t want to call Jason and bother him with asking. The whole argument was Will and Cumtard pointing fingers and placing blame on each other and it was made all the more glorious because Kevin sounded like a slutty chipmunk the whole time. In the end, Jetta got to celebrate his birthday by listening to morons argue, eat second-rate cake and requested that every person on the show get hit with the dick punch machine. Of which we now have a new and improved model because the last one got thrown away in the move from Swinghouse. (i.e. is sitting in front of Will’s La-Z-Boy at home so he can tee off on his testes while he masturbates to mammogram videos, just to feel something)

Jay-Z hugged Tully once in Rockefeller Center around Christmas time once. Avril Lavigne charged people a bunch of money so they could take a photo near her. She kind of sucks, but we all pretty much knew that after she dumped the dickbag from Sum 41 and married the dickbag from Nickelback. Conversely, Rihanna is probably the coolest chick ever about the meet and greets, and takes pictures groping her fans, and her fans groping her and I am buying a ticket to this immediately. This started a conversation on the things celebrities do for fans, and which are the cool things and which are the douchey things that are obvious whoring. I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting a little woozy, so you’re gonna have to take my word for it, it was interesting.

The guys talked a bit about Shovel Girls and somehow, someway Jason used the word convex in a sentence correctly and I almost put my car into a Dairy Queen out of shock. Katie works for Pete Wentz now, which is cool because according to Jason and Tully, that dude is a genuinely nice guy.

In my last ditch effort to bring some cohesiveness to this show, the guys put on a quintessential showing of #WhitePeopleWednesday today when they decided to freestyle rap battle each other because Pandas are faggots, according to my notes. The rules are simple: The callers give you a topic, you rap about it for 30 seconds and we all giggle about how bad we are.

Kevin’s topic was Fruity Pandas and it wasn’t the most terrible rap about Pandas fuckin’ that I’ve ever heard.

Wilson drew Electric Jesus and came up with a Hatebean style hook about kissing Jesus on the mouth.

Jason got Granny’s gray ass hair and didn’t mention it once, which is sort of gangster. He sucks at rapping, but he wasn’t the worst.

Hardcore drew spaghetti and somehow went on a racist tirade for 30 seconds, called for a revolution against the federal reserve and compared himself to Che Gueverra. Just kidding, he just rambled nonsense and he was easily the worst out of all of them. In his defense, he hates you and go fuck yourself.

Jetta rapped about the Holocaust like it was basically like the movie Meatballs with fun pajamas. He didn’t lose though.

Tully rapped about banging lady boys, and peppered in a lot of “Something something” and “I don’t know” which was some cutting edge shit. He sucked though, got second to last.

In the final rap battle between Tully and Hardcore to see who sucked the hardest, Hardcore proved once again how badly he doesn’t want to talk to anyone associated with the show and just wants to get off mic as soon as possible. Congratulations, dick.

Lastly, I want to give a shout out to Oxycottonjohn , an original Ellisfam from way back. If you don’t know, John used to call the show wasted off of his ass and it’s his voice on the “Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh Motherfuckers” button that Ellis uses all the time. Oxy then got his ass into rehab, got sober, and has since been dealing with shitty health problems for the last couple of years. Today, he called in to let us all know he is still alive and kicking, albeit from a hospital bed getting some vein shit fixed. Red Dragons to that dude for still kicking ass and calling to let us all know he is alive and well.

 

Now I’m going to and molest my wife and blame it on the sleeping pills “Making me act weird.” Psh….Women, am I right?