Hello and welcome, all you fish baby froggy blobs, to the Wednesday recap of the Jason Ellis Show. In this installment of the NYA recap, watch and witness as I try and race to the end of this recap before the effects of these sleeping pills and melatonin kick in and I wake up in the closet yet again. Normally, I would take all the pills and try to rub one out before I pass out, but I have a ridiculous amount of dedication to letting you know all the things you missed on TJES. Or all the shit you heard earlier and are just baby birding all of the show’s content vomit because you are sad, alone and already ejaculated tonight.
Jason says we all came from frog people who crawled out of the ocean and therefore we are more closely related to the fish people. Tully corrected him and said Monkey’s were closer and Jason countered with MERMAIDS MOTHERFUCKER! FACE TULLY! IN YOUR FACE! The world, as a whole, would stop hating each other so much if we could only band together to hate someone else together. So if aliens ever do invade we can spray them with our fire hoses and sick our gigantic dogs on them together. Hate sure can be fun. Speaking of hate, Jason hates the people that live around him because people keep parking in his spot. The landlord said to take pictures of the license plates and he will report them to the police and they will get a ticket. Now, Jason isn’t so into it (Except for on the one dude who was a dick to Katie), but Tully on the other hand, would turn that into a hobby. The image of Tully riding around in a rascal scooter taking flip cam photos of parking infractions and sending them to the Chief of Police should be a bit on OfficialJasonEllis.com . Do it, pussies.
Today is special for more reasons than the sweet boner I slammed in a door before work. Today happens to be Jetta’s birthday (Go wish that fucker a happy birthday)
and everyone on the show worked together to plan a special day for him and even got him a super awesome cake from a custom cake place that Jason paid for. Everyone kind of fucked up the cake situation and played the blame game pointing fingers and yelling accusations at each other in helium afflicted voices. This whole fiasco got more convoluted than the plot to Casino, to I’ll try to take it easy.
Ahem, ok, so Kevin, as Marilyn Mon-hoe came in to sing a sexy helium filled rendition of happy birthday to Jetta. That was awesome. Then we hear that someone dropped the cake and it was all fucked up. Hardcore eventually owned up to it because he doesn’t give two shits about Jetta’s birthday, anyone on the show, or you for that matter so go fuck yourself. Upon further investigation, Cumtard didn’t get the cake from the bakery Jason suggested because he didn’t want to call Jason and bother him with asking. The whole argument was Will and Cumtard pointing fingers and placing blame on each other and it was made all the more glorious because Kevin sounded like a slutty chipmunk the whole time. In the end, Jetta got to celebrate his birthday by listening to morons argue, eat second-rate cake and requested that every person on the show get hit with the dick punch machine. Of which we now have a new and improved model because the last one got thrown away in the move from Swinghouse. (i.e. is sitting in front of Will’s La-Z-Boy at home so he can tee off on his testes while he masturbates to mammogram videos, just to feel something)
Jay-Z hugged Tully once in Rockefeller Center around Christmas time once. Avril Lavigne charged people a bunch of money so they could take a photo near her. She kind of sucks, but we all pretty much knew that after she dumped the dickbag from Sum 41 and married the dickbag from Nickelback. Conversely, Rihanna is probably the coolest chick ever about the meet and greets, and takes pictures groping her fans, and her fans groping her and I am buying a ticket to this immediately. This started a conversation on the things celebrities do for fans, and which are the cool things and which are the douchey things that are obvious whoring. I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting a little woozy, so you’re gonna have to take my word for it, it was interesting.
The guys talked a bit about Shovel Girls and somehow, someway Jason used the word convex in a sentence correctly and I almost put my car into a Dairy Queen out of shock. Katie works for Pete Wentz now, which is cool because according to Jason and Tully, that dude is a genuinely nice guy.
In my last ditch effort to bring some cohesiveness to this show, the guys put on a quintessential showing of #WhitePeopleWednesday today when they decided to freestyle rap battle each other because Pandas are faggots, according to my notes. The rules are simple: The callers give you a topic, you rap about it for 30 seconds and we all giggle about how bad we are.
Kevin’s topic was Fruity Pandas and it wasn’t the most terrible rap about Pandas fuckin’ that I’ve ever heard.
Wilson drew Electric Jesus and came up with a Hatebean style hook about kissing Jesus on the mouth.
Jason got Granny’s gray ass hair and didn’t mention it once, which is sort of gangster. He sucks at rapping, but he wasn’t the worst.
Hardcore drew spaghetti and somehow went on a racist tirade for 30 seconds, called for a revolution against the federal reserve and compared himself to Che Gueverra. Just kidding, he just rambled nonsense and he was easily the worst out of all of them. In his defense, he hates you and go fuck yourself.
Jetta rapped about the Holocaust like it was basically like the movie Meatballs with fun pajamas. He didn’t lose though.
Tully rapped about banging lady boys, and peppered in a lot of “Something something” and “I don’t know” which was some cutting edge shit. He sucked though, got second to last.
In the final rap battle between Tully and Hardcore to see who sucked the hardest, Hardcore proved once again how badly he doesn’t want to talk to anyone associated with the show and just wants to get off mic as soon as possible. Congratulations, dick.
Lastly, I want to give a shout out to Oxycottonjohn , an original Ellisfam from way back. If you don’t know, John used to call the show wasted off of his ass and it’s his voice on the “Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh Motherfuckers” button that Ellis uses all the time. Oxy then got his ass into rehab, got sober, and has since been dealing with shitty health problems for the last couple of years. Today, he called in to let us all know he is still alive and kicking, albeit from a hospital bed getting some vein shit fixed. Red Dragons to that dude for still kicking ass and calling to let us all know he is alive and well.
Now I’m going to and molest my wife and blame it on the sleeping pills “Making me act weird.” Psh….Women, am I right?