Category Archives: Overviews & Re-Caps

Overviews & re-caps of broadcasts from The Jason Ellis Show.

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 10/16/2013

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Good evening mongrels, welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of TJES, I’ll try to go slow but then I’ll get excited and rip into it too fast, hurting us both. Jason opened the show talking about how much he loves fried chicken and cheese on top of cheese because that shit tastes even more delicious since he was abstaining from eating it all for the work-up to the fight. Problem is, he has gone so hard on the cheese that now he is feeling that cheese effect seep into his soul and it’s making him feel like shit. That, and 10 donuts (Ha.Ha. Knew you couldn’t do it) isn’t helping his body any. That’s the problem with being healthy: your body will eventually learn what all the bad shit is and then it punishes you for eating it.

Mom?

Mom?

Ellis watched a documentary about human shit-stain Roman Polanski. The doc talked about the allegations he drugged and raped a 13 year old girl, and then fled the country to avoid prosecution. The really lame part of all of this is that the asshole is still making movies and people tend to excuse his abhorrent behavior because he’s a good director. So the conversation was this: Why does the world tend to excuse criminals and scumbags from their crimes and scumbaggery if they are exceptionally talented at something? And not just movies (Woody Allen, Roman Polanski, James Cameron) but also people in music and sports. The topic swirled around the NFL quite a bit because Tully,  the biggest NFL fan in the room says that there are a lot of criminals in the NFL currently and while they may not all be sexual deviants and murderers, it’s interesting how they can all keep their job while someone on you or I’s level would be fired straight away and not be able to find another job as easily. (Michael Vick in particular). I think it was Tully who said “If you are good at something you can get away with shit” which summed it all up pretty nicely. And it’s pretty much true that if you are rich, and you are in a position where you make a bunch of other people money those other people are much more likely to defend you and say dumb shit like “yeah, maybe he drugged and raped that girl but, ya know, he’s a really misunderstood guy and he just works so hard.” Yeah, fuck those people too.

 

Maria Kang posted a picture on facebook of her super fit body next to her three children with the caption “What’s your excuse?” as a motivational way to let people know it’s possible. So naturally, all of the fat chicks on Facebook became outraged because they love being fat and this chick is taking away all of their excuses. There are a lot of overweight people who see something like that as an attack on them personally. But here is the thing: if you see that picture and you feel personally attacked by it, guess what? You are not happy with your body, you are jealous of that person and you know it. Maybe stop spending so much time commenting on Facebook photos and get out and do some shit?

 

 

Speaking of hot chicks, Wilson’s girlfriend @Erika_Ash came on the show. If you didn’t know, she had to drop out of Ellismania because of a bad lung infection. Her doctor even told her she shouldn’t go to Vegas at all, but she wasn’t going to stay away. Red Dragons. However, while there she got drunk and smoked cigarettes which wrecked her voice and now she sounds like Tyrone the crackhead from The Chappelle Show. Actually, on second thought she sounded exactly like her boyfriend Wilson Pendarvis when he lost his voice and we got all of those golden “I like brown frosting” buttons. Jason teased Wilson about how he needs to take Erika out and Wilson got all peevish about it. Seriously, you could almost feel how red his face was through the radio while Jason was talking about how he needs to get someone hot like Erika on his dick to make himself feel better. The funny thing is, Erika wasn’t objecting to ANY of it, and Wilson was still shying away. WILSON! GO FOR IT BUDDY! Anyway, the point of Erika’s visit was to bring Ellis a framed picture of his ESPN cover with a nice message about how much the show means to her, and more importantly, how much Ellisfam means to her. A very fitting sentiment because….SEGUE!!!!(Segway, if you are reading this, Ellis)

As most of you know, @Cody_McCraw92 posted an extremely heartfelt and frankly tear-jerking essay on just what Ellisfam means to him. Well, Ellis read it, and Tully read it on air today. I’m not going to re-cap what the essay was about, not because I’m short on time which is usually why I skip things like that. I’m not doing it because if you are Ellisfam, or if you just want to know what Ellisfam is all about you need to READ IT. Seriously, nothing I say here will be able to convey the emotions and personal connections Cody wrote down for all of us to see. It takes a strong character to be able to put themselves in such a vulnerable position for their all of their friends to see. But, that’s Ellisfam. We wear it right out on our sleeve for each other every day, and Cody took it to another level. So again, read the motherfucker. Great job Cody.

Ellisfam

Ellisfam

Someone on Combatlifestyle.com posted their account of Ellismania complete with some sweet up close pictures of the action if you are interested. Slam Magazine sent a list of questions for an interview with Ellis and we got to hear his answers on air. A lot of it was about Ye Olden Days of his skate career and his feelings on it. The whole thing turned into a reminiscent fun time about his old life. I personally love hearing these stories, even though I was never a skater. My whole skate career consisted of Tony Hawk video games. But I was awesome at them. With cheat codes. Anyway, Ellis always gets so nostalgic about his skate career and you can really hear his spirits lift when he gets going on old stories about coming from nothing and competing with his heroes and then doing drugs and acting crazy. It was pretty cool, but re-capping it in detail would take too god damn long so check it out on demand, I’m not your fucking mother.

Normally, as a rule, when New Music Tuesday gets pushed into Wednesday, I have a signature segment of just not covering it at all, and thus far I’ve been proud of what’s come out of that segment. Today, however, something awful happened. I was behind on listening because I was hanging out with my daughter, and as I moved through NMT I listened with feigned interest because hey, I don’t recap this shit anyway. But as soon as we got into the pick of the week, I was suddenly warped back within Sirius to the beginning of NMT. I thought “SHIT! Oh well, I bet it won’t happen again. And if it does, the show should be on demand any minute now, they usually post it around 6pm PST.” None of those things happened my friends. I listened to NMT THREE GODDAMN TIMES. So, I’m taking this as a sign from the universe that I need to buck up and cover NMT.

Twitter tells me that @Jen_E_Tipping got her Wolfknife name, we salute you! OBGYJen

It also tells me @FredoWin is named SummerPasta. We salute you!

 

Have a good week, fuckers! And seriously, go read Cody’s story you lazy fuck.

 

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 10/15/13

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God damn, folks, it’s great that I don’t have to read this shit out loud to you cause my voice is still thrashed from a four day weekend of chain smoking and yelling at EllisMania. I got a fuck wad of pics and even got to kick it with Ellis, Katie, Butterballs, Crazy Jerr and Cechnicki for a nice Sunday brunch that was only about 2% gay (it bumped up to 5% when Mike Jasper showed up). As well as hanging out with all the other awesome fuckers I saw this weekend, there was a whole bunch of awesome shit going on, so if you missed it you can come on over and tongue my balls and taint before I wash all the Las Vegas off me. In any event, today’s show started with an extra long block of music with song choices that people on twitter were taking way too literally, but when the guys started talking it was Jason and Josh hashing out the shit that went on over the weekend with Karla and the whole spiked drink situation, and it got angry as fuck real fast. It’s a lot to write down, and it’s really easy to get lost in spouting opinion so I’m gonna leave it at this, Rawdog gave his side of it, Ellis gave his side of it, some objective opinions from the rest of the crew were heard and they went to the phones to hear what the fans think (which is sometimes a horrible idea). Then there was some arguing back and forth and Ellis wanted the fighting to stop so he called Karla to squash beef and just have the situation be done with. FREE BIRD!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!

 

Intermission

 

We return from break to hear from the only guy who got truly knocked the fuck out this weekend, Mike Jasper! I bro’d down with that guy for a few minutes on Sunday too, he’s a good dude. And a few hundred million people are Googling hemorrhoids, with numbers growing every year. Mike was still kinda punchy from the weekend, where Kit accidentally put his entire psyche on queer street. Mike talked about the whole experience and seeing the replays and twitter photos and how hilarious it was to get knocked out and then start firing off like the wrath of Satan at everybody but the ref. Jason decided to be a generous host and pass the god damn sick cunt of an MVP trophy to Mike for being the most dedicated fighter of the night. The guys all talked about the fights and sparring Ellis’ girlfriend and what a bunch of sick cunts almost all of the fights were (and even though they didn’t say so, I’m sure Mike wants to strangle the fuck out of Sam Rubin and Tara Patrick for the bullshit festival they came out with). Rawdog gave a little rundown on his fight with Nick Swardson and all the bruises from it that he’s got going on right now, which is crazy as fuck cause nobody really expected that from Nick and Josh stayed in it a lot longer than he might have at previous EllisMania’s. Josh even went for a whole bunch of dick punches before Swardson landed all those body shots that finished the job. Ellis interviewed with a guy to be his new manager too, so next year it won’t be such a stress basket of cunt and monkey feces on the production end of things. Of course, all bullshit aside, this EllisMania was one of the best ones yet and everyone involved is thrilled at the outcome. There was plenty more EllisMania talk, cause it did just happen and they want everybody’s take on it. One of the guys that was in the fight with Mike Jasper called in to say thanks for the fun times and general kudos to the crew. Then we had another musical interlude about an Australian gay rights activist.

 

So there’s a workout supplement on the streets right now called Craze that is essentially a new type of crystal meth. Unfortunately, it’ll also make you stay awake until you hallucinate and suck dick for $5. And of course, what could this conversation lead to other than talking UFC and in particular, Georges St. Pierre. He’s an all around great guy and just about impossible not to like, unless he retires after his next fight, in which case everyone who still wants to see him destroying faces in the octagon will have a fucking tantrum like that one lady on YouTube who ended up getting served with divorce papers cause of how bad she wanted to go to the lake. There was more talk about fighting and getting fit and cutting weight, and a lot of the kind of stuff that we’ve probably all heard a bunch of times now, I’d go into it but I’m still delirious from staying up till 3AM four days in a row in crazy ass Las Vegas air conditioning that dries out my sinuses and leaves a distinctly chapped feeling around my butthole. The guys took phone calls about things and stuff, and that went better than normal. And this season on The Ultimate Fighter, Dana White is gonna be pulling some mafia marketing maneuvers and it’s gonna be some fucking incredible TV. And in breaking “Women, am I right?” news, Katie accidentally let Burger out and some guy called in to the show to let Ellis know that he was gonna put him back in the yard. Long story short, blue balls is the way to win any fight. And if you still wanna try the old way of doing things and eat healthy and shit, there’s an app for that! Yes, you can buy a device to plug into your phone and get all the aromas of wonderful things covered in butter and cheese and chocolate syrup to try and trick yourself into enjoying a nice tasty block of reprocessed Ikea furniture. In my opinion the better idea would be to just eat some god damn food and enjoy that shit cause life is way too short. Try anal, people…….try anal….. Y’know what I’m saying? And how sweet would it be if airplanes had Faction so you could hear Death!Death!Die! screaming “cunt” over the PA? Or even something more radio friendly like Party Bot?

 

Some old guy is going around saying that he’s had OVER 1,000 SEXUAL PARTNERS!!! The only thing is, only one of them was an actual human being, all the rest were cars. So if you have ever parked in a public garage, it’s entirely possible that your car has been molested by this guy. He also said he fucked a helicopter, which is just gansta as al fuck and if that guy wants to get in touch with me, I’ll do a  reissue of the #TeamShitToboggan T-shirts and send him a couple. Lately though, this guy has settled down with a Volkswagen Beetle (which makes no sense to me because I work in auto repair and the Volkswagen Beetle is the most hateful, vile machine ever created and you’re an anti-semite or a masochist in a really bad way if you own one). Tully came back from that story with more of our favorite segment, teen advice! First up we heard from a young lady who was having concerns because her boyfriend hadn’t called her all summer. Short answer t this is that he’s a teenager, and therefore an idiot, and also h is male, and therefore an idiot, so the best course of action is to bang the entire football team while you’re still young enough to do it without being labeled anything negative like “slut” or “Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.” Next was a rather concerning letter from someone who was not quite sure if they may have become a vampire. Generally, I tend to look for symptoms on this kind of problem, like drinking blood and catching fire when you step inside a church, or having a totally homoerotic love/hate relationship with a werewolf while trying to protect your “girlfriend” AKA “hag” from a violent death that her facial expression genuinely deserves. Somehow the conversation turned to being a boxcar hobo and how it would all be sweet living as an alcoholic troubadour, right up until the aggressive homeless gay sex that inevitably seems to happen in the hobo community (it’s true, I seen it). Next letter we heard was from a young go-getter who is putting way too much effort into being popular and is starting to collapse under the weight of it all. The guys were really helpful on this one, giving all the best recommendations like cutting and pills and anything you can possibly do to mask the pain without sacrificing your integrity. Some kid wanted to know what the best flirty comeback would be when a girl calls you gay and the best response is always to start fisting her vagina AND butthole, or try turning the conversation into some good old fashioned Jew bashing. The guys took puse to reflect on one of the big influences on the kids these days, and that’s music. Now, if you’ve read my music reviews on most new music Tuesdays, you know my opinion of how shitty and stupid most of the crap that kids are being fed is, which is also part of why I hate the god damn kids these days KNOCK OFF THAT GOD DAMN RACKET, I NEED PIECE AND QUIET WHILE I’M WRITING *ahem* sorry, upstairs neighbors, anyway the big point of it all was that there’s not much to really inspire the kids the way it was back in the old days. And almost everything is cobbled together by a bunch of back room mother fuckers who are only putting the tunes together for a paycheck. And the shit that comes out these days doesn’t even have roots you can trace it back to, it pretty much all started right around the end of the nineties when popular music died and it took my local alternative rock station with it (The same station that gave Green Day and Radiohead their big break, now plays Ke$ha three times an hour and still claims to be as great as they always were). Katie swung by to do the Onnit look good naked challenge again, after Tully did his session of it. I gotta say, I was a little whatever about the whole workout radio bit at first, but it really does soundlike audio porn without breaking any FCC regulations, and I do enjoy a bit of porn in my day, so it actually kind of works having Katie make physical exertion noises like something just wonderful is happening somewhere in her midsection. Ellis is still having problems with the local assholes parking in his driveway, as Katie told him about how she had to yell at two dumb mother fuckers that just insisted on using someone else’s driveway like that shit’s available for public consumption. There was a bit of pre-planning for the next EllisMania, including finding a way to get Sam Rubin assassinated in the ring, and finding a fight for the ring girl who let Ellis electrocute her vagina between rounds. Some people called in during all this talk of bacon and fighting and how Katie should be diabetic but instead is just awesome. There were questions about food and how much bacon is not enough bacon, and how as great as bacon is it goes great with avocados and cheese and fucking self hatred and a crippling lack of sex. In case nobody knew, the winning fighters at EllisMania got a charitable donation made in their names. Betsy, the lady handling all the logistics of this, called in to chat with Ellis for a second and apologize for being drunk as all fuck on Friday night. A few other people called in with more of the dumbest questions ever that have cemented my demand for birth control in every public building in America. And France. Because fuck the French. Seriously, if even the Canadians hate you, you’re fucking up hard. There were more calls of generally pointless crap, but there were some thank you’s from the fans for a great weekend. Katie finished out the rest of the workout in what sounded like an angry climax and we all stepped out for a smoke and a drink of water. While that happened, there were more calls about the upcoming wedding of Wilson Pendarvis and Erika Ashley, and what Ellis sounds like when he works out (y’know, for the ladies) to which Ellis responded with an Instagram video of him smashing pads which totally is not as interesting to listen to as Katie doing burpees. Crazy Jerr called in to chat for a bit about how he’s still partying and Pendarvis better step his game up or Erika Ashley is gonna be Erika Crazy Jerr. And then some dude explained the most ripped off ultimate bacon cheeseburger ever, based entirely on a recipe from Grill ‘Em All. Then a half dozen fucktards shat all over the ending of the show and normality was restored in the universe.

 

In all the talk of things and stuff today, there was one tweet I posted that summed it up quite well and was also pretty funny. It went like this: The non stick coating on my favorite skillet is wearing off, I demand Woody Harrelson apologize to Matt Damon for the Star Wars prequels.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 10/14/2013

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It’s the aftermath of EllisMania 9, some of you are probably still drunk and some of probably feel like you need to push your eyeballs back into your heads and shave your tongues. We got a shitload to get to today, so bare with me. Ellis is still feeling the effects of the weekend, he came back with more free shit than what he left with. He’s super happy with everyone and how things went even though this EllisMania wasn’t quite as polished – but it still worked and it worked good. The fans were cool for the most part, but there were a few that had way too much to drink, which made it hard for Ellis to talk to them. With people that drink too much, comes more chances for drama, and there was some drama. Shit. Wait. I already fucked up. First, I should tell you that Dingo is in studio today, which is impressive, but Rawdog is not in studio today, and it sounds like there is a story behind it – but we’ll get into that later. Okay, now that we have that cleared up, let’s keep moving forward by going back to the past. So when Ellis arrived in Vegas and found out he didn’t have his usual room, Katie was expecting Ellis to flip out. He didn’t, at all. He was fine and the room that he did get was the tits so he was still in a good mood. Okay, now let’s hop to Saturday night really quick. Tim Sabean was there and has told Wilson how impressed he was with not only the event, but with how Ellis fought. He was impressed enough that he actually sent some video and pictures to his bosses and told them they had to see it and how impressive it was. Also, Tully is into fisting and Wilson, as we all know, is into lanyards, saw the EllisFam lanyard and really wants one – you listening @Wolfman812?

Back to Friday’s live broadcast from Vegas. For as much as nothing was really planned and nobody showed up for weigh-in’s, the radio show still worked and worked well. Plus, Ellis may have allegedly saw a bit of vagoo, along with 50 other fans of the show. Sam Ruben made a call into the show today to yammer on about himself a little and talk about how his fake fight went with Tera Patrick. Ellis called him out about emailing the show asking to make sure he doesn’t get hit in the face, yet wanting to have a “real” fight, potentially with Tully. Ellis and Tully wouldn’t let Sam wiggle in his bullshit about wanting to have a real fight but not wanting to get hit in the face. Sam tried to save a little face, but they weren’t about to let him off the hook that easily. Who cares, he’s a weasel. Now, back to Friday, this time at the Death! Death! Die! show. Apparently Christian was fucking up pretty good, which made everyone else in the band feel better about their performance since Shoebox is pretty much the most professional musician in the band. Even with the mistakes, the guys felt like the show was probably the best show they’ve put on. Several fans got to go up and try singing with the band, but one fan, Zach, seemed to stand out for singing Pain of Time.

Now, here’s your fair warning. Go grab your popcorn or whatever snack of your choice, grab yourself a drink, hit the bathroom, make sure you’re comfortable, and get ready for the inevitable EllisMania 9 drama for your baby mama that accompanies any large gathering of drunk people.

So why isn’t Josh there today? Apparently Friday night got a little fucked up, there was some drama, and now Josh and Ellis aren’t cool with each other right now. Friday night, Rawdog called up Ellis saying he and his girlfriend needed to go to Ellis’ room and talk to him right away. Ellis was trying to relax and stay in the zone for his fight and told Josh to just tell him on the phone since they’re on the phone with each other right now, not to mention Ellis isn’t too fond of Josh’s girlfriend. Josh proceeds to tell Ellis that someone in his and his girlfriend’s group of friends had gotten drugged, something slipped in their drink, at the Circle Bar and claimed it was a very well known and longtime member of EllisFam. This EllisFam member (who shall remain anonymous) is well known for buying drinks for people, expensive drinks at that, and just enjoys doing that sort of thing and always has. From the sounds of it, Ellis basically asked what they wanted him to do about it, he wasn’t there, he didn’t know what was going on, he didn’t drug anyone, and there was nothing he could do. Josh says that he didn’t ask Ellis to do anything, he was merely asking if Ellis would talk to his girlfriend and maybe tell her what she should do. The paramedics were called and the guy who they thought had gotten drugged was still awake, responding, and generally just sick. In-studio roofie experts Dingo and Christian Hand both said they know people who have been roofied before and the guy showed none of those symptoms. Dingo also claimed that there is a rash of roofie slipping go around Las Vegas lately, but mainly as a tool to rob people. The EllisFam member in question was seen on security footage purchasing and giving drinks to Rawdog and his girlfriend, but was never seen doing anything to the drinks. Christian and Will did all but vouch for this EllisFam member as they have hung out with them on many different occasions and have talked to him extensively at this and previous EllisManias. The EllisFam member was distraught that they were being accused and felt horrible about the incident, and later had talked to Christian after being exonerated by security. The overall consensus in the studio is that this EllisFam member did not poison anyone and that the guy Josh & his girlfriend believe was drugged did not get roofied, maybe they were given something else, or were just super-hyper drunk or something, but it wasn’t roofies and it wasn’t the person who they accused. Josh’s girlfriend said on Twitter that it wasn’t that they wanted Ellis to do anything but show some concern, and so she and Josh think Ellis should call and apologize to his girlfriend. Ellis says there’s nothing for him to apologize for, Will, Tully, Dingo, and Christian seem to agree. Ellis says he still loves Josh, he’s not going to fire him or anything like that, he feels this is more about Josh’s girlfriend instead of Josh, he understands that Josh is put into a position, he knows this and radio is hard for Josh, he does not want anyone giving Josh any kind of shit over this, and says that it will all work out one way or another. And there you have it, that was the story that was told to the listeners. While you’re free to make your own judgments, why would you? It doesn’t involve you (most likely) and you only know what has been told to you on the radio. These things have a way of working out on their own, one way or another.

What? You want more drama? Well good news for you then, there was no shortage of drama. Here’s the next scandalous story to come out of EllisMania 9. Word on the street is that Gabe punched a fan at Body English later Saturday night after his fight with Ellis. Ellis was on his way to meet Gabe for a congratulatory drink and when he gets there, the drama is already in full swing and people are telling him that Gabe has punched one of the fans. The security guard told Ellis that he had been standing there the whole time and that Gabe didn’t “do shit”, but several fans came to say otherwise. So for Ellis, it was another situation that everyone wanted him to do something that he knows nothing about, that may or may not have happened (conflicting stories when he first arrives), even though it had nothing to do with him. Ellis is once again asked to do something on behalf of somebody without having any prior knowledge of, other than what a few people are telling him and he knows everyone has been drinking. Other than that, he’s clueless as to what has transpired because he wasn’t there. Ellis feels like people are mad at him for not doing something about something he has no idea about. Ellis isn’t security, but he wants everything to go smoothly and wants everyone to have a good time. He doesn’t know what to do, nobody would. If you ask a security person, they would just remove everyone involved, wipe their hands clear of the ordeal, and let the police deal with it. The guy that allegedly got punched Johnathan (@puttyman5000?) called into the show to explain his side of the story. He says his wife (@AmeralReid) was wanting to take a photo with Gabe and that out of the blue, Gabe shoved her aside and then punched him. He said he didn’t hear exactly what was said between his wife and Gabe because it was loud and suddenly he ate a knuckle sandwich. Ellis, Tully, and Cumtard asked if he or his wife had a previous conversation with Gabe, he said no, he was completely sober. So basically, he’s saying Gabe, just out of the blue, shoved his wife and punched him for absolutely no apparent reason. Security asked if they wanted to push the issue, get the police involved, etc. and he declined because he didn’t want it to go there. Ellis apologized and he’s not completely dismissing the caller’s claims because there were at least two other people who were completely sober that told Ellis that Gabe did in fact punch this guy. The caller swears that he and his wife didn’t say a word to Gabe, other than asking for a picture, his words: “I don’t think so”, but the story floating around is that either him or his wife were starting to get a little fresh with Gabe. He then admits that there was indeed a previous conversation earlier in the night and mentioned Gabe saying something like “that guy was smirking at me” and I guess that is what they are saying “might” have been the motivating factor in Gabe punching him? I don’t know. I wasn’t there, so I’m just going by what the caller said. Whether the fan was “smirking” at Gabe doesn’t matter, that doesn’t warrant someone punching you, everyone agrees with that. As the guys tried to dig a little deeper to clear things up, the story just got murkier and murkier and it appears that the two main stories going around both conflict each other. Without knowing exactly what went down, again, Ellis apologized to the caller, was glad he wasn’t hurt, and thanked him for coming. Then, the wife of the caller, called in to tell her side of the story! She said that everyone was messing with Gabe on Twitter (pre-fight trash talk I assume) and that she participated but didn’t say anything inappropriate, was “just joking around, and thought it was all in good fun” and that when she got back to her room after the fight meeting, Gabe had tweeted her back to say, “I saw you there but you didn’t have anything to say to my face.” (7:39 PM October 12, 2013) Not exactly what he said, but close enough. So she claims she said “it’s cool, no problem, good luck, have fun tonight” (7:52 PM October 12, 2013) which isn’t exactly what she said, but again, close enough. So far, it appears that she meant no ill will and from what one can tell from tweets alone, everything seemed pretty cordial so far. As far as the Twitter world knows anyway. i’m not weighing in on one side or the other, I’m just trying to relay what has been said and what has been claimed was said. She then says she went up to Gabe and asked for a photo and that Gabe was just like “fuck you, you talk shit about me”, etc. Then she says the reason why Gabe had punched her husband was because he said “that guy right there, that guy hates me.” (Gabe talking to her about her husband) She says, “What? That guy wasn’t even talking to you.” She says Gabe responds, “Why is that guy glaring at me know?” She says, “You know what Gabe, never mind now, it’s cool, like, I don’t want a photo with you.” And that’s when she turned around and Gabe pushed her and punched her husband. She says her husband has a bruise on his cheek and a fat lip to prove it, and she thinks Gabe has to say he didn’t do anything (eluding to legality and professional issues) and that security people told her that she had attacked Gabe and that if they pressed charges against Gabe, Gabe would press charges against her and her husband, and everyone was going to jail. So that’s when she said her and her husband walked away, left on their own, decided to “go to the Circle Bar because they didn’t want to cause any problems or to be the people that bring the drama,” so they left and she says Gabe continued to talk shit on Twitter about her. If you want to see more of the back and forth, start where they left off. She called Gabe a piece of shit, he asks what she’s talking about, is it because he didn’t take a picture with her, she says fuck off, you hit my husband and are a liar, he says no you are, says lets talk in person, she says they didn’t get kicked out, yada, yada, yada. Again, I don’t know what went down and I’m not involving myself in it. I don’t know who is in the wrong or the right. I wasn’t there. Just telling you what was said and what was on Twitter. And then the bell rang and we were out of school and went home to have a snack and watch cartoons. The end.

Did Wilson have a date on Saturday? Turns out, he went to the fight with Erika Ashley (@Erika_Ash). She might not know it was a date. But it totally was. In Will’s mind. Erika didn’t have a ticket, he had an extra ticket, so… you know. Once Will realized he wasn’t getting any of that Erika, he also paid for a ticket for Tim Sabean. Tim might not know it was a date, but it totally was. In Will’s mind. Will didn’t get any of the Tim either, and I guess nobody else could be bought with tickets, so… HAHAA The guys kept jabbing at Will and his “date” with Erika until he ran out of the studio, it was hilarious. Then Ellis talked about his fight was Gabe and how well Gabe did. He also mentioned how he got angry at one point during the fight, dropped his hands and charged after Gabe and kind of got caught. He was getting gassed so he used his rage to muster up enough energy to keep go after Gabe, missing some upper cuts, chased him and caught him twice and put him down. Ellis knew the punches just skimmed Gabe, so he wasn’t very happy about how he performed, but then again he didn’t lose, he’s a better fighter, and everyone had a lot of fun – so he’s not beating himself up over it.

The Vatican commissioned over 6,000 medals to be made and turns out they misspelled Jesus’ name. Whoopsy. Sorry Lesus! There was kangaroo MMA, proving that MMA really is the fastest growing sport in the world. But who gives a shit. Lets move on.

Let’s talk about the Leprechaun or Pinata fight, where there was no pot of gold, no costumes, and no pinata, but there was a Grant Cobb. And to help with the conversation, Christian Hand came into the studio. Kit Cope and Mike Jasper were to fight off 4 different people, to fend them off the pot of gold, or in this case, Grant Cobb. Kit is just beating people up, Kenji jumped in to help swing Jasper and Kit into all the opponents who were easily making their way to Grant and beating him up. As Kenji swung Kit around, Kit was throwing a punch and WHAM-O! Right in Jasper’s face! As you can see in the picture, Jasper’s eyes are shut and he’s falling into the abyss. Jasper got his bell rung hard and hit the canvas, knocked out. Mind you, Jasper has never been knocked out in his career, his very first time getting knocked out was by his team mate at EllisMania 9. Kit goes to pick up Jasper and the opponents are all over Grant. Once Jasper gets up and says he’s okay, the fight resumes and Jasper starts kicking the shit out of everyone, Ellis is yelling for Jasper to stop but Jasper is in kill mode and didn’t hear shit, he was busing chasing people down and kicking the shit out of them. Ellis yells for Kit to tackle his team mate, Jasper, to get him to calm down before Jasper murder’s everyone in the ring. It was fucking amazing! God damn, I’m tired just writing a paragraph about it.

The people’s champ, @cogdeth.won the Musical Chair Fight with authority. Ellis kept calling him @bitPimps and everyone on Twitter had a good laugh while I tried fervently to clear cogdeth’s good name. The guys noticed he had bulked up and was throwing some hard shots. They were also amused to find out that he didn’t change out of his costume after the fights and was out partying in the Circle Bar, still in his sexy get up. The Prison Fight had it’s debut at EllisMania 9, two guys dressed as prisoners, with their hands duct taped together swinging 1 giant hammer fist at each other. @J_Chapel was easily twice the size of his opponent and had gotten slightly overzealous and pulled an accidental illegal punch. That brought in Kenji Gallo, aka MMA Elvis, (@KenjiOC) who gave him a swift kick right in the dick. The Hot Chick Fight was pretty funny as Shantanee (@Shanwize1) kept knocking herself out basically because she would spin around so fast it made her dizzy enough to fall over during each round. Alicia Leii (@AliciaLeii) was super fit as always, almost giving her an unfair advantage because she’s just too good, and.@shandategart was a force to be reconed with as well and ended up winning The Hot Chick Fight. Perry, the dude that has built 2 dick punch machines now, won his fight. I’m way too tired to even go through this one. It was cool, just trust me. Sorry for not getting to the opponents and their names and links to their Twitters. Give me a fuckin’ break, would ya? PLG won his fight against Elliot Sloan. Even though PLG had a fucking asthma attack, Elliot wanted to stop, but Dave (Sluggo’s brother) was not going to let Elliot give up. He yelled at him like a pimp demanding results from a whore that owed him money. It was fantastic. Rawdog got nicknamed “The Golden Camel Toe” because of is costume, he looked fucking awesome. He fought his heart out, at one point his leg was twitching while he was trying to get up from being knocked down by several body punches. You could see his body was telling him to quit, but the fire in his eyes was telling him to go for it. He was god damned champion and fuck you if you try to take that away from him. It was his best EllisMania performance yet and it wasn’t against a girl. He was sore and actually bummed out a bit because he really tried his best and he gave Nick a run for his money, even though Nick was built like a Cinnabon.

During the wait for Ellis to fight Gabe, Dingo, Kit, and TJ Lavin had to kill some time so they opted for an impromptu “Get the cock off your chest” segment. This is where Kit and Dingo really shined. Some guy (Mike?) had one hell of a story about fucking his very first “African American” girl, completely drunk off his ass, with little to no sleep, he even laid down in the fucking ring while the other fans that came up tried to top his story, but to no avail. And in the end, in his stupor, mentioned the chicks name, “Chocolatey” and how there may have allegedly been cocaine involved. It was a crack up / embarrassing. Ellis woke up to find that copious amounts of cigarettes and cocaine had been done in his hotel room and he probably would’ve been more upset about the ciggies if he knew any of that was going down. But he didn’t. So he’s not. Katie found a fucking note in their room to some “Lou” dude that talked about a fucking gun raid on the Palomino Strip Club and it sounded like it was straight out of the movies. This gave Tully an idea for the name for EllisMania 10: Alcohol Tabacco & Firearms. Which sounds legit as all fuck. Tully and Katie did their Onnit challenges and the people on the floor below the studio have to absolutely love it, because their jobs probably suck ass. Ellis got called out about not doing his 40 donut challenge and after have 2 hamburgers from dayum Five Guys Burgers & Fries, the intern was sent out to get 41 donuts. 40 for Ellis and 1 for Dingo. After clearing 9 donuts, Ellis was in panic mode to complete 10 before the show ended and went for it. Then he proceeded to puke it all back up during final calls, it is unclear what made him barf, final calls or a finger down his throat. And with that. I’m calling this bitch done. No fucking jokes, no tada, no nothing. Sorry if you’re disappointed. I did the best I could do. There’s only so many hours in a day and currently, my life is busier than whore with a one armed man in a fucking contest on dollar day with a mule. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to mean, fuck it. But also, fuck. You don’t know me. You don’t know my pain. Of time. #Barf

TL;DR
The “Too Long; Didn’t Read” version for you lazy I mean people who are too busy or have attended Derek Zoolander’s Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good and Wanna Learn to Do Other Stuff Good Too:

  • First, fuck you. I took amazingly pain-staking efforts to relay to you what exactly was said without putting in any type of opinion what-so-ever. That’s fucking hard to do. I had to listen closer than most of you do and type even closer. Don’t believe me? You try it sometime.
  • Second. Holy shit. The drama parts? I paid extra close attention to because I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened, I’m no judge, I’m no jury, and therefore I’m not able to offer any kind of opinion on. So eat shit if you think I did a bad job.
  • Most people who were at EllisMania 9 are still feeling the effects.
  • Overall, EllisMania 9 was a huge success and an even bigger hit.
  • The fans, for the most part were awesome and helped make it a great time.
  • Wilson wants an EllisFam lanyard.
  • Everyone thought the Death! Death! Die! concert was kick ass.
  • The entire band made mistakes, but it was fine, and the fans that got to sing did a great job.
  • Josh and Ellis are temporarily not friends at the moment.
  • Someone might have potentially / allegedly gotten drugged, or maybe they were just drunk.
  • Gabe Ruediger might have allegedly punched a fan, for no reason or maybe for a reason. It’s a “he said, she said” situation.
  • Wilson had a date or two and allegedly wanted to get blown or blow someone.
  • @cogdeth won his fight and was the peoples’ champ.
  • Ellis kept calling @cogdeth by my name, @bitPimps, and it was hilarious. Especially since Ellis also thinks / thought my name is / was Tim. (running joke now)
  • Kit Cope accidentally knocked out his team mate, Mike Jasper, and it was funny.
  • Kenji Gallo kicked @J_Chapel in the dick pretty hard and it was funny too.
  • Nick Swardson came out to the sweetest music and won his fight against Rawdog.
  • Rawdog did the best he’s ever done and was coined “The Golden Camel Toe” because of his costume.
  • Katie made out with some chicks.
  • Ellis’ hotel room was covered in cigarette smoke and cocaine and he and Dingo have a pretty good idea who was “riding the rails” (because bumps don’t really count)
  • Tully and Katie resumed their Onnit challenge.
  • People reminded Ellis he didn’t do the 40 donut challenge after Saturday, so on top of eating 2 fucking burgers from Five Guys, he ate donuts until final calls and then barfed all that shit up.
  • I hate you all for keeping me up so late writing all this fucking shit that nobody is reading.
  • But I also fucking love you all for reading this fucking shit that at least a few of you are reading.
  • I think I need to poop, or maybe my stomach just hurts because I’m working 3 hours of sleep and cigarettes.
  • How do I make bullet points end? Oh yeah. I remember now.

Show Re-Cap for Friday 10/11/2013

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Live From Las Vegas

If there was ever a Friday to not give a fuck, this my friends is the mother load.  Not only is it Ellis Mania 9 weekend, obvi, but its also Ellismate’s birthday today.  Live at the Hard Rock hotel in the lovely Las Vegas today’s show was fucking sick.  Instead of running the credits after the movie, here are the notable names you would have seen if you weren’t at home jerking like me and many others.  Of course you have the usuals like The Wing, RawDog, Tully, Wilson, and the frequent fliers like Dingo, Cumtard, Katie.  You have Joe Mills, Kit Cope, Kenji, and Ellis Mania legend Crazy Jerr!!!  Shit man Sluggo, TJ Lavin, Butterballs and Ms. Butterballs in her I love Butterballs shirt….the fucking list goes on.  Of them all, none dressed better than Jizz Cult who was none other than Butt Judge for this year’s show, a role he was born to molest play.  Ellis is gonna be looking sharp himself at EM9, rocking a sweet pair of Manny Pacquiao orange boxing shoes, and yes Big Daddy Jas Cakes wears orange shoes, HAHAHAA!!!  Also to add to the fight night wardrobe, a freshly shaved chest, man shit!  It’s helped Ellis achieve “winning weight” and Minnesota is the “Tijuana of Canada”.  Remember I told you about Will Butt Judge Pendarvis III like 2 sentences ago, he’s already taking some prey, all conveniently named Tara believe it or not.  His first and quite fitting, Most Stalkable Ass.  Then shit got creepy as he tagged a pregnant lady Just Like Mom Use To Make.  Then shit got more creepier as some dude got Butt Judged, Hairiest Ass!  Then shit got fucking hot, as Katie gave Will, the fans, the world a thesis worthy display of what an ass looks like!

 

Last years Little Miss Jason Ellis

Last years Little Miss Jason Ellis

Man Bags love ’em, and so does about 9 billion dollars apparently.  Dingo makes man bags, well fanny packs really, but with speakers so their kinda gangster, fuck man I’m so confused right now.  Then Kit Cope and Ellis got on some tirade about how when they punch each other in the face, its more sensual and meaningful than when Ellis shoved his tongue down RawDogs throat, which I just find hard to believe but you just read it on the internet, so its probably true.  Enough of that shit though, lets get down to business and decide this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis.  We have three contestants this year, Amanda, Deidre, and the defending Little Miss Ellis, Jason.  For the first leg of this event, each participant must answer a few questions, such as if Amanda were President and involved in RawDog’s orgy this weekend, what would she do?  Film that shit, and give the proceeds to charity!  She also thinks is not gay to DP and that Deidre has a shitty jacket.  Deidre thinks the show needs more female guests.  Jason was asked who he would murder, just in random conversation and he said Wilson of course, especially since he has a Butt Judge sticker on his ass from Will and he wasn’t sure why.  Enough of that shit though – straight to the Limbo!!!  Yeah, I can’t really type much about Limbo but from the sounds of it the crowd really were the winners here, well depending on your view.  Other than that all you need to know is TJ Lavin has a license to drop C-Bombs, there are currently like 18 dudes willing to take part in Josh’s orgy tonight, and Ellis maybe working on a 12 woman dutch rudder, all this alleged of course!

BOING!!!!!!!

BOING!!!!!!!

 

Kenda Perez is fucking hot!  I probably should just end it there since that’s all you need to give a fuck about if anything at all.  Well that and there isn’t much I can really tell you other than Ellis has a stripper pole in his room and really was putting game to Kendra, but not quite enough to get her to limbo, FUCK!  I guess this is as good a time as any to shout out to lets see, Kenji aka MMA Elvis, oh and of course Betsy who’s posting a very generous prize to a couple of fights for the winners choice of charity.  Did I tell you Ellis has a stripper pole in his room at the Hard Rock?  Hey ladies, its the Ladies Naked On It Challenge and for this, when the ladies get to the push ups, SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Truthfully we’ll see how good the audio from this is but I’m spanking on it not being worthy of Shannon Shenanigans Guns Guns.  Oh yeah, Ellis has a stripper pole in his fucking room no joke!

 

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I thought they were gonna be naked

If your reading this, Death! Death! Die! has probably left the building, but I bet they fucking rocked it bro.  Remember the dude who rocked the Friday show at Ellis mania 8 when he puked on the crew, you know the dude in the Super Man undies, that dude was there again sans the big boy draws.  OK OK I’ll stop stalling, back to The Little Miss Jason Ellis contest and stage 3 which is none other than Celebrity Impressions.  Amanda did a slightly spot on Bill Cosby and former Little Miss Ellis did a pretty hilarious real Jason Ellis, but not the real one kinda the fake one that Rawdog does, he did that!  They both lost though to Deidre’s memorable Al Pacino though.  This basically tied it all up so we went to a sudden death that’s not a sudden death Banana Eating Contest and to quote the immortal David Lee Roth, a little more to the left!!!  Time for Ellismate to go live in the crowd for a unprecedented Dude Am I A Slut for the ladies, and Get The Cock Off Your Chest for the fellas.  Unfortunate, well maybe fortunate, yeah its fortunate that it instead turned into Who Wants To Make Out With Ellis for ladies, and Who Wants To Make Out With Katie for the ladies, and the fellas can just hang tight!  Well turns out there aren’t that many sluts in Vegas which I still call bullshit on, and there’s a ton of cocks on chests though which I can understand.  None of them of course bigger than the cock some dude got off his chest and out his mouth, oh and some other dude DP’d his chic with a mold of himself but he was just bragging more than anything.

 

Someone here (Not Tully) is this year's Little Miss Jason Ellis, i think!

Someone here (Not Tully) is this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis, i think!

Welcome back as we check in with this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis contest and it’s time for Karaoke.  To start us off we were blessed with Deidre’s best attempt to rock Jerry Was A Race Car Driver which was aight.  Then we got a cheesy yet very sexy Happy Birthday from Amanda to Ellis, but it wasn’t no where as good as Jason, the former Little Miss Ellis, and his bone chilling Nothing Compares which was literally spot fucking on!  Somehow Deidre, I think, got another shot and went balls clit out with Angel Of Death and fucking ripped shit up, and I think it may have got her this year’s title, but I never really got clarification on that so tune in next time to find out who will be this year’s Little Miss Jason Ellis!!!  Oh, and just for good measure we got to watch/hear Cumtard dance while testing out the shock collars for tomorrows fights as Kit Cope gazed at his crotch in amazement.  So from all of us here at NoYouAre, and while wishing Jason Ellis a Happy Mother Fucking Birthday, you know the one where you get a cake, but not just any cake nah this one has some filthy old bukkake covered shemale who will just call your mom jump right out the middle of it and just yells at the top her her lungs, Red Fucking Dragons and kick Gabe’s ass, enjoy the show like its your last….cause ya never know!

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Show Re-Cap for Thursday 10/10/2013

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Before I jump in to the actual re-cap for all of you currently heading to or in Las Vegas for Ellismania 9, I wanted to take a seond and thank all of my absolutely amazing Ellisfam and the guys here at NYA for reaching out to me over this past week and offering support for the tough shit that is going on in my life. I have never known such a wonderful goup of people before and I’m so grateful for all the love being sent my way.

NOW…business as usual…

Happy Australian Birthday to the main man who is the reason that I’m writing this and that you’re reading this…Jason Ellis. The King of the West is either officially or unofficially 42 years old and unsure about how he feels about it because 42 is old. Old enough that all the people walking around the good ol’ US of A who are currently old enough to drink weren’t alive when Ellis was first legally allowed to drink in this country but not so old that he’s hit the point of no return life drop off age (which is 46, according to Tully). Ellisfeels a little bit proud of himself for all that he has accomplished at this point in life, but thinks he probably should feel more proud of himself (and he should) and wants everyone to know that he is looking forward to accomplishments that won’t result in further brain damage like race car driving, skating with his kids, and camping. He has not yet begun to talk about things like insurance or politics, but is taking to heart comments from Devin like, “why are you still doing this?” in regard to him fighting. No, he doesn’t have to pull out of the fight this Saturday at Ellismania 9, but if he gets a black eye in the fight then Devin is gonna sock him one and make his other eye black with her daddy-inherited heacy hands. Good thing she is too young to know about detached retinas.

Tim Sabean called Ellis this morning just to see how things were going and ask if fhe needed anything because Ellis is the King of the West and the show is finally getting some of the SiriusXM TLC that it deserves. Yes, there are still glitches here and there because it’s a new studio and lay the fuck off, but things are getting done. Wilson introduced the ever talked about and never before seen to exist VIP lines for TJES and texted the number to all the VIPs out there…except Butterballs. Ellis mentioned a fight on twitter with the one replay hater who finds listening to morning replays so obnoxious that he feels the need to tweet about it and how he’s fighting a losing battle because Faction is going to be Ellis’s channel one day. Really?!?! Fucking sweet.

Throughout the show we’re getting running commentary on some spanish Soap Operas the guys have playing in the studio which seem to feature a maniac Mexican man who looks like he works at Bruce Lee Burgers and is beating and killing members of his family with blood on his face, wearing the same shirt for days and not giving enough fucks to wipe his nose blood away. Tully says he noticed that everyone in the new building is falling into the TV trap and that it’s the main difference between listening to East Coast versus West Coast SiriusXM. Opie and Anthony never comment on what’s going on on TV, but they’ve been spoiled for so long that the novelty has worn off at this point. Don’t complain about their sudden exclamations over what’s happening just out of our sight…they’re fucking hilarious and if your driving or if your mind has wandered for a second hearing Ellis, Tully, or Rawdog yell, “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!” is the perfect way to snap you back into focus. There’s also another new TV on the wall which beams videos from Tully’s computer to the screen for them all to see easier, but after plugging it into Josh’s computer and re-plugging it into Tully’s it has stopped working. Way to go Josh. But anyway…

There were some fights on last night with the main even being Jake Shields, which is a drag, because despite technically being a good fighter he is a very boring fighter and there are no winners when your main event is a boring fight. You know what fights won’t be boring? The fights happening this weekend at Ellismania 9 that if you (like me) aren’t able to trek out to Vegas you can catch at Ellismania.com. Erika has to drop out of the girl fight because she has a lung infection, but don’t worry, plenty of female listeners answered the call to volunteer themselves as a fill in!!!!! Lots of chicks are ready to get down and dirty at Ellismania and have the oppurtunity to try and beat the shit out of another girl. Is this going to be the last fight every for Ellis? No, probably not, but he is saying that he doesn’t really want to be the main event anymore. Why? Because he isn’t looking to be on the road to pain and go around killing himself training to the point where he forgets that Ellismania is supposed to be fun anymore. He still wants to be in fights, but he wants to be in fun fights fighting leprechauns for a pot o’ gold pinata stuffed with goodies or whatever other fun fight pops into his head. Ellis is in it for the fans. He kept this going alone and kept thinking that if he kept it up long enough that someone bigger would come along and want to be involved, and SiriusXM is finally interested. Determination gets you everywhere!!!

Hey, you know your super cool collection of random bits of audio and rarely heard songs and tidbits from bands/actors/movies that you spent so much time and effort gathering? Well, the joke is on you because it’s all on the internet now!!!! ROFL. But seriously, back in the day it took work to be a fan and you spent time and effort getting your hands on everything and anything that had to do with whatever you were interested in. Now it is all constantly in your pocket or palm courtesy of the free WiFi hotspot you’ve found with your smartphone. Like the video Tully found of Sly Stallone and Carl Weathers choreographring fight scenes for Rocky. Ellis thinks that they should make a tv show for Mexico because they’re TV standards are ridiculous and it would be no problem to come up with an idea. Rawdog brings up a new show being talked about (if only by him) called Celebrity Champion where celebs compete in gymnastics and have Mary Lou Rhetton judge them. It will be a safer show than Splash (where someone thought it would be a good idea to get celebs to high dive with no experience) so viewers can look forward to not seeing someone almost die on the show every week. The lady who is the voice behind Siri has been found, although Apple will neither confirm nor deny it, and Ellis loves Siri because she helps him spell out texts to tell Grant Cobb that he is impressed with the couch that he built for the studio.

Back to fights, out of all of the fights going on at Ellismania this weekend (which I really really really am bummed to not be there you lucky fucks who are!!!!) Ellis is the most concerned about the fight between Sam Ruben and Tera Patrick, mostly because neither one of them wants to be punched in D face and chances are one of them will be, if not both. Sam can try and joke about it as much as he wants, but everyone knows he really can’t roll into work on Monday sporting a black eye becasue KTLA is no joke and have harder asses than the FCC. Although, Tully does point out that morning news programs tend to be more fun and light-hearted and can roll with the punches, so why not roll with the punches that landed on Sam’s face and caused his black eye? After all, there was a newscaster in North Carolina who mistook cat vomit on the bottom of his shoe for grapenuts and ate it. Live. On television. And informed everyone after the fact that it was cat vomit and not grapenuts. As if it being grapenuts excused the action of eating food off of the bottom of his shoe in the first place. Holy fucking shit. What a scofflaw that guy is, huh?

Wait. What? Scofflaw? Where the hell did that come from Rawdog? I have a pretty spectacular vernacular and I had to google that shit to have google yell at me and call me a dumb bitch for not knowing how to spell it. That is some serious prohibition era bullshit to drop like it’s the word ‘jerk’ and expect everyone to know what you’re talking about so dont be surprised you’re getting called out on it and being called a show-off for your off-brand, hipster-know-it-all foul word play, because everyone knows the word plethora because every human being alive has seen the Three Amigos. Ellis knows plethora because he’s better at remembering shit when he’s punched in the face afterward. And for all the other know-it-alls out there who wanna correct facts and be all ‘LOL Oxford-boy, how’d you get that one wrong’ it’s because useless shit falls out of your brain if you don’t have a photographic memory and haven’t been in the halls of learning for more than a decade. By the way, Rawdog, how are you feeling about your fight against Nick Swardson in two days? Apparently Rawdog is feeling the same way about it as he has every other fight and would prefer not to get into even the most vague of specifics concerning strategy or training because it’s gonna be a surprise (both to him and everyone there). But Ellis tells him he better make it good for the fans, because people are pulling crazy stunts to be there and if Ozzy is 60 and jumping around stage for fans at concerts then Josh can put on a good fight.

Yes, more Ellismania stuff because it starts tomorrow and of course they are going to talk about it endlessly today! People are calling in from all over the country and Canada to say they are on their way and they are pumped and who can blame the guys for talking about it?!?!?!?! Aaron from Wyoming will have driven 16 hours by the time of the show tomorrow and is only staying to see TJES at the Hard Rock Hotel poolside because he has to get back home. Tully is going to buy him lunch as an insurance policy against the show sucking, which seems impossible as there will be plenty going on with the Little Miss Jason Ellis pageant and the commencement of butt judging. Wilson says he bets that no one can bribe him over the next few days in order to be judged the best butt…so do your worst!!!!!! Lots of stuff is going to be available for purchase at Ellismania, but also a ton of stuff is going to be given out so keep your twitter alerts active for updates from Ellis and Tully for when they decide to give shit away. Known oppurtunities for freebies thus far are at the DDD! show where Ellis and Tera Patrick will be throwing goodies off stage and Wilson will have cum ra-errrrr…bar towels.

Fartathon 2013 is here! Next week, Tully promises us that there will be a sort of new segment where Unsigned Bands will be facing off against Unsigned Farts!!! The bad news????? No one is sending farts to Ellisparodies@gmail.com !!! What the hell, guys? Just like everybody poops, everybody farts (but they don’t want the poop farts so abstain from sending those) so where have all the flatulent fellas gone? Is Ellis to blame for telling guys that it’s disgusting to fart on or in front of their girls? I am a girl and I will tell you, it’s really okay to fart in front of your lady. Not on her, because then you fully deserve to be kicked in the teeth, but as a girl myself I have come to learn that guys fart. They love to fart. It’s the most natural form of comedy there is! Hubbs farts, I call him Stinky Butt and we move on with life. I for one will have my phone at the ready for his farts so I can do my Ellisfam duty and make sure there’s enough audio for the segment. And they aren’t going to stop talking about farts until they get them, which is why during the Fartathon we learn that termites are the organism on Earth that fart the most and can even turn themselves into self-destructing suicide fart bombers (because who doesn’t want that superpower in a bind), vegetarians fart more than us carnivors, the average person passes gas 14 times a day (so really get over it), and rice is the only food known to man which doesn’t cause your anus to vibrate and spew methane gas.

During the premiere of 12 Years a Slave, the current frontrunner for the next Best Picture, there was some dumb bitch in lace gloves texting throughout the entire movie. Even after another moviegoer requested she cease and desist this woman informed the “enslaver” that her texting was for business and he should self-righteously fuck off. That last part may have been ad-libbed but it fits within the context. Who was this bitch? Madonna. For real. Sources are reliable on this one and Madonna has forever lost her shot so far as Ellis is concerned and whether she knows it or not. No, there shouldn’t be texting during movies because the movies exist to untether you from life for a while and immerse you in another reality and the whole effect is ruined if you won’t let yourself be untethered! Duh!

Wrapping up the show is the Onnit Look Good Naked Challenge featuring Tully lining them up and Katie knocking them down. They are up to doing 4 reps of each exercise and Tully performs them with great form sans microphone before we are treated to Katie’s heavy breathing sextacular workout. Katie has always been hot. Hearing her moan as she exercises is mind blowing. And in case you were wondering, her face looks exactly the same as it does sometimes, according to Ellis. And we all know what he’s talking about.

Now…OFF TO ELLISMANIA 9!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things we learned on the show today (some of which you may have heard from That Guy Dan already)

If your boss punches you it’s perfectly alright for you to blast him back

Ellis is hard on Vanessa because he wants her to be successful

Your ass doesn’t throbwith pain from being licked- but it might from being kicked

Tully left Ellis because he was still young and free enough to try new things and didn’t want to be the producer

10 years from now Ellis might be sporting either an eye patch or a golden eyeball

When Tully’s wife is away his life is all about Doritos and Parliments

Oregen is like Washington State with a stick up its ass

Tully has never been able to touch his toes

Ligaments, Tendons, and Muscles are not the same things

Tully doesn’t like hearing his farts

Ellis likes hearing his own farts

Flap the lip, get the whip

Your girlfriend might be stupid if she doesn’t turn her phone off at the movies

Great movies are today’s collective religious experience

Katie has bursts of cunt

Ellis won’t celebrate his divorce by getting married later that day

Not every butt gets a sticker, but every butt will be judged.

HAVE FUN at Ellismania 9 to all who are going!!!! Be ridiculous! Safe travels! Take lots of pictures and make all of us who can’t be there insanely jealous and guarantee that we’ll be there next year!!!!!!