So, if you follow me on twitter you certainly would know by now how much I despise telemarketers and hope that every single one of them commits suicide in the most gruesome, family destroying, religion defying, blood shit and semen covered way possible, but lately my shop has been kind of slow and to counter that, I have become the one thing I despise most and was cold calling customers for a good part of the day. To reclaim my self worth, I’m gonna need something really good out of the Ellis show this afternoon. Let’s see what he’s got in store, yes?
Today’s show kicked off with talk of how the internet is a lying, cheating, fucking cunt, unless it’s saying something nice about you or doing something that goes to a good cause. Ellis is a little tired of all the folks who say he never responds on twitter so he’s trying to show a little more appreciation for the fans and DM people back as long as they’re not being shit heads. Tiger is making excellent progress towards being a child motocross prodigy. At just four years old with no modifications, he can reach all the working parts on a full size dirt bike, and he’s borne of a long line of sick cunts, so chances are when he’s old enough to say cunt without getting sent to bed with no dinner, he’ll probably be a sick cunt too. Provided he doesn’t injure himself too badly before he has a chance to shine. Jason is thinking of stepping the game up from tattoos to scarification, and of course, what better place to get your first one than right on your face? This whole thing started because Ellis still has that weird lump on the side of his face and is thinking about getting it cut off, but want’s something badass to scorch the earth from which it is expunged. Jason deposited a paycheck that mystically appeared this morning and is thinking of buying a washer and dryer and a new bike to replace the ones that are sitting in his garage costing money to do nothing. Oh, and maybe Christmas presents for the kids too, but we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Jude stopped by to chat with the guys a bit about all the shit he missed at EllisMania and how Popeye’s chicken needs to fuck off with the turkeys they’re gonna be selling for thanksgiving. Jude Stopped by a Popeye’s under the freeway over in the ghetto to help his friends pick up their holiday birds. Tully doesn’t get why everybody thinks that turkeys only come out of hibernation two months out of the year to be slaughtered en masse for human enjoyment. He’ll roast that shit any time of year and make a sandwich so good you’ll feel like it just gave you a blow job. Rawdog had to chime in because this year, Hanukkah starts the day before thanksgiving, so it’s gonna be feasting and mitzvahs and wine that tastes like it’s 40% high fructose corn syrup, but in Josh’s world it’s more like speech impediments for eight solid days and Snaggle tooth tries to burn the house down when she sees a mouse and then everyone goes out for nuggets. Some guy called in to see if he could give Ellis a free dirt bike and the guys ended up talking about honey bees for a few minutes. Someone else floated the idea of Ellis doing a motocross movie, something much like the Woodsman or Big Fucking Mega Boat. But with moto. Rawdog is already plotting how to direct this movie into the ground like “Psycho” but without a major studio shitting all over it. The guys started kicking around ideas on what the plot would be and how much they can make it suck into awesomeness and which celebrity cameos they could beg for from all Ellis’ moto friends. Basically, it would be an 18 year old Jason Ellis who came from nowhere to be a dirtbike champion, and at some point in the movie, Jason would shave off his gorgeous youthful locks and already have a full head tattoo underneath. Some folks called in to give the guys ideas about how to go about making this movie, and who should star in it, like maybe Rawdog as the young Ellis, so no real acting would be required to look like crap on a motorcycle. Pendarvis came in to see if the guys would be willing to donate the budget from the movie to the SiriusXM faction bank account, because apparently the subscription fees aren’t covering NOT having working internet and handymen who fuck shit up in the studio at night. Jude volunteered to be the obnoxious British guy on a Vespa in the moto movie and gave us a great taste of his Detroit Queen’s English accent. More movie ideas started flowing, like having Katie show her tits (cause that just wouldn’t be family friendly and because the fans are fucking assholes), and making it safe for TV edited without actually having to make it edited and overdubbed, or having Rob Zombie make a cameo to complain about the noise! There was a whole bunch more of this and it all sounds like it’s gonna culminate in yet another directors cut with a four minute loop of a vagina fart (but a family friendly one, it’s not a vagina fart kind of movie). Jude’s car broke down and he had to ride the bus to the studio today and that shit took TWO HOURS CAUSE THE BUS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT! And the entire public transit system stinks like bologna and urine, especially the one in L.A. (I’m looking accusingly at you, AC Transit and BART, clean the fucking equipment for fuck’s sake). But on the plus side, he’s got a podcast called foreally show and you can download that shit for hella free. Some more calls about the movie came in and there were some half decent ones like how motocross goes on strike and they have to call in scabs to revive the sport, and making Tiger into the steroid-induced Benjamin Button of freestyle moto, and making sure novice rider Josh Richmond gets a DNF at every event, but keeps coming back for the thrill time and time again. The guys decided to crank a few minutes of Akka Dakka to let all these plans stew into a wonderful chili of moto movie awesomeness.
Tully has noticed that Linsanity has been crying more than normal lately, so he decided to Google it and god damn if the internet isn’t the most horrible thing ever because when you Google 2 year old tantrums, you might get directed to a site devoted to infant masturbation. NOT LIKE PEDO SHIT BUT AN ACTUAL MEDICAL WEBSITE DEVOTED TO WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR KIDS START BUFFING THE PIG. And sure enough, the Christians are all over this site trying to figure out how to make sure their kids are ashamed of enjoying anything about their bodies unless they’re married to a person who knows just as little about how fun it is to blast a load off or pound out a drunk chick’s vag in the back of a minivan that she stole from her dad. This all brought on a conversation about how Christianity isn’t inherently bad, but you can fuck up your kids with it pretty easily. The guys from RCH called during the break and let Ellis know that his new bike is on the way, but in the meantime they’ve got a loaner for him to thrash so he doesn’t need to spend any money on anything to blow the tires off of. If you get a chance, you should check out Ellis’ twitter, cause there’s a link there to go vote on the Reverse Awards, and there’s not anything officially stopping you from voting over and over again, so if you’ve got the time to try and guarantee a win for a category you really want, then grab yourself a case of Mountain Dew and get clicking! The guys took some phone calls about Christians and masturbation and long story short, it’s one of those rules that’s more superstition and not actually a hard fast law anywhere in the bible, but good luck getting people to stop saying so. Tully seems convinced that in olden times, there just couldn’t have been a more well practiced hobby than slapping your junk around in the days before TV and indoor lighting. Hell, it’s a pretty big enterprise even nowadays. Rawdog watched some movie about a fucked up Christian camp and it seems like I might have seen it too but neither of us can remember enough specifics to make a concrete statement about it. Rihanna called in (but probably not the one we thought by the name) and she was always taught that it is better to spill your seed in the belly of a whore than to throw it on the ground, which makes no sense cause if you spray a gob of unborn children in the dirt it won’t turn into anything you’ve gotta feed and clean up after, and if you try to stuff a tomato plant in a prostitute she’s gonna charge extra. It all goes back to the fact that if you really study religion in history, most of these rules were from a very different time in human history when even smart people were dumb enough to set themselves on fire routinely and try to have harems of livestock, and they needed fucking guidelines to keep them from drowning in their own vomit from eating shitty meat or letting their tribe die out cause no one was fucking, or turning your relatives into hooved beasts cause a thousand people all fucked each other with no rules and made a couple generations of inbred Norwegians. Some guy called in to apologize to Rawdog for trolling him on Instagram, apparently he was up really late and was getting fed by all the other people who talk shit on everybody else on the internet. Ellis got a chance to apologize to Donald Schultz over some relatively unimportant beef, and they’re gonna be friends no matter what and there may be snakes involved in his next appearance. Pendarvis came in to declare mitzvahs all around for everyone being grown up enough to apologize. Jason had to deal with insurance adjusters and the people at Porsche today and as a member of the auto industry, I know exactly what an absolute load of wombat shite it can be to try and get an insurance company to make good on the product they sell, and how unnecessarily difficult German cars can be to fix. Pendarvis basically told him to just text everyone involved a picture of his war face to put a fire under everyone’s ass so he can just get the god damn car back and enjoy driving it again. Some dude tried to be a dick in Ellis’ driveway again and the kids almost got to see their dad beat up a pudgy little shithead taxi driver, but they were asleep after a long day riding horses. Lucky for him though, taxi drivers know when to put the hammer down and he got the broke the fuck out before trying to challenge an overly emotional Australian who’s also a trained fighter. Jason has been thinking more and more about how things in his life are stressful, but there’s also so many goals of his that are coming closer in view, and despite how great some of the more grandiose fantasies would be, just living well would be a way better outcome. But there’s always the “could be better” mentality that pretty much everyone gets at some point or another. It seems that he’s starting to understand the difference between wants and needs and it’s totally possible to get a little bit of both and a whole lot else along the way and still be perfectly happy. Will can relate cause he grew up pretty poor and even at the outlet mall people looked at him and his family like they were scum class citizens. Rawdog grew up sort of well taken care of and always thought his rich kid friends who had $50,000 bar mitzvahs and flashy cars in high school were dumbasses for throwing it around when they didn’t even really earn it and never learning to be responsible about it. Will admitted that half the reason he stayed to endure the torture that it is to work with the guys is because he wants to see this baby bird called the Jason Ellis show grow to be so big and strong that it can pick up a wildebeest in each clawed foot and drop the deboned carcasses at the top of the Swiss alps with a fresh pair of boots made out of the aforementioned wildebeest’s hides. And to say thank you for such a wonderful sentiment, the guys played a new Death!Death!Die! song for him! And if you liked Butt Town, you have no idea how much better of a song Will got. Seriously, it was like every Elton John tribute song got covered by Pennywise all in one track. If you want that track on your iPod, you can go to deathdeathdie.com and pre-order the CD now. They’re shipping out next week folks, don’t miss the fucking extravaganza. The guys did Wolfknives names for a little bit, so we got to salute all the new members like Baby Cage, King Richard the Turd, Anal Suction, Death Box, Shit Stain, Alcoholica, and Nigeria. And if you’ve got some time to kill, patriotguard.org is down for technical problems so go watch porn or something.
Freddie Roach got a call from GSP that he won’t fight again without Freddie in his corner. Ryan Parsons was in studio to talk MMA and whether or not GSP got thrown a fucking handout cause he’s a big name. And since I didn’t watch it, I can’t really give an opinion but god damn if the internet didn’t come to it’s own conclusion. The guys talked MMA technique and stuff for a while, and all the stuff that happened at UFC 167 this past weekend. Ryan got a skateboarding lesson from Jason years ago and ate more shit than Two Girls one cup, but he could still punch the jawbone clean off of anybody who was at the ramp that day. Something new in the world of fight sports is that Ryan is doing a study on the kinds of forces exerted against your hand in different kinds of blows, and they’re using the data to finally come up with something new in hand wraps and see what everybody’s best blows are so they can train to get the most use out of them. Of course, with all the talk of punching shit it just wouldn’t be right not to have Ryan take a stab at it. But more importantly, he’s gotta do it his own version show punch-o-meter that may actually be a quality piece of equipment that gives numbers worth listing. And before that, Jason got a lesson on how badly he fails at wrapping his hands when he trains. Rawdog was the first to try the new punch machine and landed a sweet score of 1,740 watts! But unfortunately the world record is somewhere near 84,000, so not impressive to put out in the low thousands. Tully gave it a shot and landed somewhere in the low 10k’s, so definitely not a man to ignore if he’s swinging at you. Ellis’ highest was right around 53,000 and Wu-Tang clan ain’t nothing to fuck with. The guys talked fighting some more and how much sense these new technologically advanced hand wraps work and how smart people are always gonna be needed to make new ways for stupid people do things better. There were some more strength tests and stuff and Tully could probably come pretty close to choking Rawdog to death with one hand, and Josh probably couldn’t crush an apricot. On a more surprising note, Ellis scored between the other two, but way closer to Rawdog. After all the chest pounding and animal grunts, the guys talked for a while about how all this science is applied practically in the real world of fight sports and it sounds like it would be a pretty interesting set of numbers to look over if you’re into that kind of thing. The scientist that Ryan brought along weighed in on all the research and stuff they were doing and threatened to give Rawdog a muscle biopsy, but after seeing the coax cable sized needle they would need to use to take a sample, it was pretty universally agreed that some things are really close to that fine line between comedy and physical abuse. This brought about talk of testosterone replacement therapy and how HGH doesn’t work for shit unless you haven’t gotten your puberty growth spurt yet. There’s research that shows that people with PTSD benefit highly from doing mixed martial arts, so much so that it’s becoming part of the therapy for returning veterans, and since the veterans don’t get nearly the help they should then why not have them do something good for themselves?
Tully prepared a speech for his bid to become the new Prime Minister of Canada, but first, Mexico is the fattest country in the world! Just barely inching out all the previous contenders, who are all floating somewhere around 65-70% population fatness. But more important, back to Canada, a Canadian fan stopped by the studio to hang out with the guys and hear what makes Tully think he can run the friendliest country in the world. The most important parts of this are that Rawdog was the one who wrote the speech, and in honor of what Tully may think he did a great job. Some talking points to note:
1. Canada is a native word that means “land.”
2. It’s the twinkle in a child’s eye when he tells his mother FUCK YOU!!!
3. Tully will cut taxes and double down on all kinds of free shit for the canucks.
4. God Bless America, and then Canada.
The Canadian guest said he wouldn’t vote for Tully, so Rawdog’s back up career seems pretty well fucked right out of the gate, but he’ll get another shot if Ellis lets him write his speech for asking Scott Greenstein for a raise. Jodi (the Canadian) talked for a while about some research he’s doing about PTSD and some of the new therapies and stuff that are being used on it. He’s a veteran and has seen some heavy shit and knows a thing or two about therapy and what works and doesn’t when you’re trying to get back to a normal working state of mind. There’s been some experimenting with robot therapists (Josh came all over himself hearing that) and the results so far have been pretty awesome. The guys turned to the phones for final calls and like most days, there were plenty of people worth hanging up on but you can all go vote for the reverse awards and sign up to ellismania.com to watch dirtbike shit and even good old fashioned anal porn with a chick screaming RED DRAGONS on insertion! Or you could go to patriotguard.org and keep clicking refresh until they’ve got their hardware problems worked out.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,
