Evening, bitches. Some day you are going to die, and there is not a god damn thing you can do about it. One silver lining is that you can choose what exactly you leave behind so that people will look at something one day and say “Oh yeah, that guy.” When Ellis dies he is afraid they are going replace him with Rick Thorn on Faction. That is a good question though: just how long will Faction play replays if Jason dies of a heroin overdose? One, two weeks?
Jason started rattling off about how True Religion jeans and how the people who wear them are uncool kooks who have no sense of fashion. I must be cool as hell because I’ve never heard of True Religion jeans outside of the show. Either that or where I live is truly the backwoods of fuck all nowhere and that fad just hasn’t reached us yet. But hey, fuck you at least it’s not Canada. Oh! Ellis has turned over a new leaf on Instagram, deciding that anyone being hateful or negative gets an automatic block. And it seems to be working because all the comments I saw on his IG today were people crawling over eachother to climb into his ass like Sam Ruben. Oh yeah, Sam Ruben called in because he must have been running low on Jason Ellis ass cologne and needed to take a quick dip to rejuvenate his annoying ass. I do enjoy how the guys are calling him on his bullshit more often now, and he’s becoming a punching bag on the show even if he is an annoying windbag.
Freddie Roach got kicked in the motherfucking chest. So while in China, preparing the next who gives a shit boxing match, Freddie shows up to the gym and there was some dispute about what time they were allowed to train and the other guys were still there. Words were exchanged, Freddie in some shape or form called the guy a Mexican, and the dude kicked him in the chest. For any normal dude, this may seem like a reasonable reaction. Freddie Roach, however has Parkinson’s disease and it doesn’t matter if he makes pussy licking gestures to your mom, you don’t kick the dude in the chest. This spurned a topic on race and racial slurs. Josh, ever the pussy in his white guilt, thinks nobody should ever call other people names based on their race. Even jokingly! Unless you aren’t white. Then it’s ok of course. Which brings me of course to the Gangster Hotline, which you can call and start some shit, N bomb.
After the break the guys all took a psycho test. Gauging just crazy Jason is, based on a test a psychologist came up with. They never got to the results, but I think I heard something about having to get results back at a later date. You know who is fucking crazy? David Blaine. Ok, maybe he isn’t as crazy as he is annoying and phony. But he blew Ricky Gervais’ mind with a trick where he stuck a needle through his arm and Ricky was all “Daaavid, ‘ave yoo gone MENtal guvnah?” David Blaine sounds like he has had his jaw wired shut according to Tully, and really anyone who listens to him. Tully knows magic, his spidey sense started tingling and he felt an enormous psychic force telling him Dominick Cruz was about to call.
Dominick Cruz called in! For those of you who don’t know, Dominick is the bantamweight champion in the UFC. For the past 2 years though, he has been out with a knee injury, of which he is now recovered. He will be defending his belt finally against Renan Barao at UFC 169. They talked for a while about his knee, and his stint doing commentary for the UFC while he was on the DL. Dominick and Ellis have a longstanding bet to be carried out where Ellis needs to punch him in the face. The standards were set, after Dominick’s fight, he is going to give Ellis 2 minutes to punch him in the face. If Ellis punches him, Domonick has to….well I don’t remember, but if Dominick avoids him, Jason will let a Monster Energy girl tattoo Domonick’s name on his ass. The guys joked that Ellis’ ass is going to end up being like a bathroom wall in a legendary rock venue or something. It was fun, we all laughed, you should have been there.
I’ve fought it guys. I’ve held vigilant against the cruel fate dealt to me time and time again. I waged what I felt was a civil battle, standing up for what I thought was right. What I believed was right. But there is a point where the whole world seems to be jamming it’s metaphorical dick in your literal ass. New Music Tuesday was once again pushed to Wednesday, and I can’t help but think that at this point, they are just fucking with my brain. So with a heavy heart, I bring to you a recap of New Music Tuesday.
- Some blinky bloopy shit that Rawdog swears is really good.
- Justin Bieber dropped a single called “PYD” or, “Put you down.” If you listened closely, you could hear the sound of hymens popping across Midwestern middle schools.
- Colbie Caillet dropped her cutesy bullshit once more like the button she is.
- Lorde, the 16-year-old Kiwi with a voice of silken gold cashed a ginormous check to support her future heroin addiction for her work on the Hunger Games soundtrack.
- Five Finger Death Punch is still finding success with the Nickelback Cookie Monster routine that gets the dudebros as wet as a cat in the rain.
- Dave Grohl saved the good shit for Foo Fighters with some new bullshit.
- Some rapper wrote a song called Versace where he repeated Versace over and over again because he is neither talented or imaginative.
- Some band called Death! Death! Die! released a song called Will! (The Government) Which I think was an instrumental track, because either there were no vocals, or they were so low in the mix I couldn’t hear them at all.
Kanye West released a music video of his new song where Kim Kardashian is riding on him naked, reverse motosaki style. She kind of just lays there while either him or the studio effects bounce her around, much like the actual footage of her having sex on camera. She is kind of the queen of doing nothing, and at this point Kanye is pretty much her last crutch on staying relevant five years from now. That and the inevitable child support battles that will be sure to tear the normal childhood away from little North West’s tiny hands. But hey, she’s got huge tits and a ton of money to spend on personal trainers and I’d totally let her rag doll it for a night so there ya go.
Lastly, Tully read a blog post from our very own, @JenniMazky about how great Ellisfam is. As always, Jenni’s writing is flawless and captured the thoughts and feelings that the rest of the mongrels in Ellisfam can only dream of putting into words. We really are just monkeys throwing bricks at a foam alphabet puzzle compared to her, so I encourage you to go read her work, because she has a passion for what she does. We love you Jenny, thanks for making us look like we have our shit together.