Lemme just start this by saying that my great Uncle Jack passed away peacefully in his New York home this past Saturday. He was a pretty great guy from what I remember, even though I’m not incredibly close with a lot of my extended relatives on that side of the family. I remember him being the witty type who always had the right thing to say. He requested there be no memorial services or published obituaries, so let me also start this recap by saying FUCK FLORIDA, and especially Hollywood, Florida, and especially the call center located at latitude 26.01 longitude -80.14 in Hollywood, Florida that has basically become my eternal nemesis. The people who work there have no souls, and if it were up to me we’d lop that state off of America like one of Cumtard’s scalp cysts, starting with that god damn call center and the arrogant con artist pieces of shit that work there. If you happen to be nearby the map coordinates I have given you, you are fully invited to enter this building and crush someone’s skull with a brick. Call ahead first, their number is 954-925-0868. Let them know their end is incredibly fucking nigh. Hell, post it to Instagram and I’ll do a special run of #TeamShitToboggan gear just for you with a bunch of new designs. I’m talking back patch, fitted hat, hoodie, t-shirt, socks, scarf, underwear, loafers, all the shit. You’ll have all your friends wondering what the fuck is wrong with you and you’ll definitely convert a few pro-life people when they see the ridiculous outfit I’m gonna send you. That said, it’s almost lunchtime and that means I can channel my rage into the keyboard with the soothing semi-Australian sounds of a man called Jason Ellis. Today’s show began with Ellis talking about porn that had plastic sheeting all over the walls, almost like they expected stuff to start spraying everywhere. Like it was gonna turn from porn to snuff, and seeing as our old friend Asphyxia was in it, it very well could have been a murder scene, or something close to it. Ellis has finally seen both Asphyxia and Skin’s adult movies, and is now no longer interested in banging them. Still respects the game, just not trying to play. Tully likes porn as much as the next guy, but understands that there’s a pretty big disconnect between porn and the sex that most people are actually gonna have with each other. He went into a pretty intelligent diatribe about it based on an interview he saw with some porn star, and it seemed like he really had some good points although I don’t put enough thought into it to worry about all the smarts of watching people fuck as an imagination booster for my own self gratification. Tully had his house cleaner come over the day after he shaved his pubes and tried his best to get as many as he could so as not to inflict that kind of insult on anyone else, but if he doesn’t know your name, you can clean up his pubes and say thank you, god dammit. Rude Jude stopped by for a bit to talk with the guys. Ellis took a really weird colored poo the other day and had to ask Jude about it cause he’s put enough weird things in his system that he’d probably know a thing or two about strange colored feces. Apparently, this shit yin-yang was a perfect double helix of normal brown and bloody red, which would throw anybody off for sure. Turns out it’s just the after effects of a beet salad (but Katie’s reaction to it was pretty classic judging by the video Jason played). Jude used to work at a vegetarian restaurant and would pound beet juice so much that his shits used to come out purple all the time. This got into some debate about which is worse, animal piss all over your couch or cleaning up jizz with a sock. After hearing both of those conditions, Tully immediately regretted the idea of getting a puppy someday and also having a child, because they’re both pretty much disgusting underdeveloped creatures. Shout out to Arizona too, they have roving mobs of chihuahuas and they just recently signed a bill to make refusing to do business with gay people totally legit. Shout out, Arizona, Shout the fuck out. But hey, I understand, you don’t want anybody with a pallet tainted by the taste of semen to drink your coffee and misinterpret the wonderful robust flavor, and let that misinterpretation of tastes drive their sticky gay fingers towards a computer where they can write a shitty Yelp review on the quality of their product. Really, Arizona, I get it. Makes absolutely perfect sense, Arizona. Like peanut butter and saltines, or methamphetamines and goose liver patte. Also, shout out to Arizona not celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. day, even though it’s my firm belief that if MLK came back today, he’d wanna slap the shit out of a whole lot of people that his “dream” gave a lot of opportunities to that they promptly shat all over for four decades. Just sayin. Be good to everybody, is it that god damn difficult? It’s not like gays or blacks are the same kinds of people that work at a call center in Hollywood, Florida. We can discriminate against telemarketers in public, that’s perfectly acceptable. They should wear little tags or have it tattooed across their nose or something. Watch how many people would get stomped to death in the street if we marked their occupation in some way or another, but only for the jobs that contribute absolutely nothing to society. Mechanics and civil engineers and truck drivers and stuff like that wouldn’t have to wear anything special, but telemarketers and insurance agents and sign twirlers, you fuckers have nothing for anyone except harvestable organs. Sweet tasty organs that the intelligent among us can use to amplify our powers against the incredibly high percentage of people who are essentially floaters in the gene pool of our species. But I digress, Ellis and Jude argued whether or not it’s OK to buy a cake with a giant Swastika on it, or a cake with a huge dick inside of a baby. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, there’s probably not a whole lot of cake shops anywhere in the country that’ll fill that order and include a business card so you know who to call next time. A few callers chimed in to reinforce my comment about the floaters and all the delicious organs that I could use to stave off the consequences of all my bad habits. This is all pretty far removed from the original conversation that Jude came in for, which was porn. And selling Jason’s new book #TheAwesomeGuideToLife. People have been putting up photos of dogs and liquor bottles and guns and shit like that next to the book and Ellis has been trying to only repost the pics that people don’t bitch and complain at him about, cause y’know, he’s totally responsible for what everyone else does. Ellis has been trying to make it to see his therapist lately but it’s been tough what with the radio show and book promo stuff and Dr. Drew calling him in to Loveline and all the shit like that that goes into his normal job. Jude had to step out to get some infant rape Nazi cake and go do the All Out Show, while Ellis and Tully got back to planning out how to make the world’s largest cock shaped cake getting balls deep in an ass cake. Before he left though, Jude had to drop a little knowledge about a rapper named Homo Thug, who raps about knockin’ fools out then butt fucking their souls. Go support the #Judement everybody, buy Hyena and maybe pick up #TheAwesomeGuideToLife while you’re at it. They’re both on Amazon and it’s not like you were gonna leave your house to go book shopping anyway.

There’s a law that just got passed in Malawi that makes it illegal to “foul the air.” But in case you weren’t sure what that means, it has nothing to do with pollution or carbon emissions or anything like that, the purpose of this law is to put a stop to people farting. Yes, farting. The third world is trying to outlaw farting. Industrialized nations are too lax in the control of their citizens because they allow farting. That is what the country of Malawi is saying. Farting. I did it twice just writing that paragraph and absolutely nothing changed. Shout out, Malawi. Shout the mother fuck out.You should hang out with Arizona, I think you would get along great. Jason got his shipment from the Red Dragons crew of that huge fucking RDS/Wolfknives collabo poster and it does look pretty sweet, just check Jetta’s instagram, it’s on there. But this was just a tester, so Ellis is gonna give it away and tell David Boyce to make him a bigger one that’ll cover a whole god damn wall in that studio. That gave him ideas for some other decorations to add to the new digs, like a stripper pole to make Cumtard abuse everyone’s eyes with while he dances like a good little trick. Or by holding some sort of stripper pole-dance-off type competition and making a bunch of strippers look like shit when the 7th greatest skateboarder in the world does a 540 half-cab off it, minus the skateboard. It might work pretty well in the off season though, off season meaning any time between steak and blowjob day and  next Valentine’s. This prompted Tully to play a song by Patrick Swayze from Dirty Dancing and we all got really oblivious to the fact that Baby was maybe 15 and Patrick Swayze was well into his 30’s in the timeline of the Dirty Dancing movie. Some guy called in to tell the guys that he was laughing so hard listening to a replay from last week that his eyes got really bloodshot and his bosses decided to give him a random drug test. But that’s not important, cause Cumtard’s gonna play a game called “What’s in my Mouth?” and that seems like a great way to abuse the shit out of him and Hardcore the intern, as we’re wont to do from time to time. Part of the setup of this is for the guys to chew on a miracle berry so they can’t really make distinct guesses about what’s in their mouth cause everything tastes kind of sweet, and the guys have their noses plugged. First mystery substance, Cumtard’s guess was spicy vomit but it was actually spicy mustard. Close though, got the spicy part. Next up, Hardcore took something else really spicy down his throat and his first guess was chili powder, but then he changed it to salt and he was victorious. After that, Cumtard got a mouthful of something that had sticks in it that almost gives you an instant sore throat, and he thought it might be soggy bread soaked in milk, but it turns out it was wet cat food. Next, Hardcore got his face stuffed full of something that tasted like turkey, but it was actually a chocolate chip cookie. After that, Cumtard had a spoonful of something that was burning hot and had the consistency of an orange, and was just so close and yet so far cause it was actually a lemon. Hardcore was next up and got a dose of some stuff that stuck to his lips and tasted like coffee grounds, but in reality it was instant coffee, just proving that Hardcore is the way to be cause he’s a fucking champ. Next round is all liquids, and first one to sip was Cumtard who got a taste of something really spicy that seemed to him like it might have been Tobasco sauce, and he was almost right because it was actually vinegar, which is one of the ingredients in Tobasco, which I thoroughly enjoy on lots of different foods. Hardcore took a drink of some mystery fluid that tasted like some kind of soda but specifically it was Virgil’s Root Beer, which is Hardcore’s favoritest drink in all the land. Cumtard took his last does of liquid hatred, which to him tasted like his coworkers are a bunch of assholes, but it was really ONIONS!!! Which we all know are Cumtard’s enemy much the same way that call center in Hollywood, Florida is my enemy and they will be destroyed by my hand at a date when it is convenient for me to do so. Hardcore drank his final challenge which tasted to him like butter and that’s probably because it was butter. Hardcore won, Cumtard took his role as the show’s whipping post in stride, and the townspeople rejoiced.

If you haven’t noticed, pro sports players have been getting arrested for violent crimes lately, and it seems that most of the team sports are slipping to the wayside in the eye of the public, as Jason noticed when he went to a hat store and saw a shitload of skateboard and moto stuff taking up almost as much space as all the basketball and football stuff. Wouldn’t surprise me if the kids start letting their dollars do the talking in that general direction in years to come. Tully brought up a news story about how Raymond Felton from the New York Knicks got arrested for posession of a firearm and it seems that he might have waved it in his ex wife’s face, once again proving that idiots and weapons don’t mix. There was also video of a player from the Baltimore Ravens dragging his unconscious fiance out of an elevator in a fashion that looks like he’s trying to dispose of some evidence. They’ve both had charges filed against them somehow, cause it looks like it might have been a two way street that got one of them knocked the fuck out. Also, the NFL is gonna start putting a 15 yard penalty on players who use the N-word on the field. Priorities folks, let’s make sure nobody gets their feelings hurt, but ignore domestic violence. Shout the fuck out, NFL. Shout it like you bout it bout it, N to the muthafuckin’ FL, beeyahyitch. Kevin Garnett once told Carmelo Anthony that his wife’s pussy tasted like fruit loops, which is a pretty fuckin’ savage thing to say and would definitely shake most people I know. Somebody called in to chime in on the story about the elevator fight and apparently the guy involved was the spokesman for an anti bullying campaign, so there’s that argument. This got the guys to discussing what it would be like to be in a marital spat with Ronda Rousey and whether it would be Kosher to stab her with a broke off whiskey bottle to keep her from choking you out or snapping your shoulder into pebbles with an armbar. Ellis talked for a while about some press appearance he did where a black Jedi who looked like Method Man came over to hang with him. Something like that, I didn’t quite catch the whole thing, but he was very mysterious and might make you believe in a mystical force that can make a person move objects by thought or shoot lightning from their fingers. But really, fuck all that, cause Cumtard’s back with his signature segment TARD THAT TUNE!!! But first, let’s discuss having Kevin shove an onion up his ass and whether or not WILSON is hard up enough for cash to try and one up him with a butternut squash or something. Jetta could be a contender though, he drives a Jetta, and those people are a special type of fucked in the head, so he’d probably power through a six inch tear in his lower intestine to try and get a whole Alhambra water cooler jug up his ass. But whatever, Tard that Tune, I can’t put into words how awesome this segment sounds, because it really is that good, but I can tell you the songs he did were:

Crazytown – Butterfly (shout out to Shifty Shuttlecock, shout like my bathtub needs a fresh coat of grout)

Taylor Dayne – Tell it to my Heart

Devo – Whip It (RIP to the guitarist who passed away last week, may your energy dome be admissible as a halo in heaven)

The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army

CKY – 96 Quite Bitter Beings

Outkast – Hey Ya

Ah Ha – Take On Me

Some guy who tweeted the show to let the guys know that Tard That Tune would be the soundtrack to his suicide

Blur – Song 2

Rod Stewart – If Ya Think I’m Sexy

Charlie Daniels Band – Devil Went Down to Georgia

Rob Base – It Takes Two

Whodini – The Freaks Come Out At Night

And that was all of them. You can listen to them all on the Jason Ellis Show soundcloud page whenever Cumtard gets around to posting them up there. Until then, all the previous ones are there and they’re just as awesome. The guys talked for a while about how it would be nice to do a remote show in Mexico and smoke shitty weed on the air and pound bottle after bottle of non-alcoholic pina colada mix. Tully remembers back in the day when he would buy weed in Staten Island and it’s entirely possible he bought from the supply that The Rza was distributing. After all the tarding, the guys decided a break was in order and took one. Cause they can do that. You son of a bitch.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Piers Morgan is getting cancelled next month, and if I had any faith in the American news media, I might just give a shit. The guys discussed his possible replacement and some of the names thrown out were Carson Daly, Madonna, Seacrest, hell you could put a sock puppet with no hand in it on the screen and I’d probably trust it more than just about any other reporter these days. A lot of websites are reporting that the lead singer of Five Finger Death Punch was arrested in Australia on an airplane and charged with being a drunk fuck and trying to move from coach to first class cause don’t you know who the fuck he thinks he is and then he threw a swing at a flight attendant and somebody told him how bad his band sucks and that made him cry and cry and cry so the cops really didn’t have to work too hard to haul his ass to an outback goulag where he’s gonna have to fight a colossal swarm of wallabies for his daily bread. Some paparazzi were harassing Sam Worthington and his girlfriend and started taking swings at the two of them and Sam put a Five Finger Death punch across one of their fucking faces cause Australians fuckin’ roll like that and paparazzos can smoke a fat dick. He did get arrested though, but they let him out on bail cause punching a genetic floater really shouldn’t be a crime and I think the Australian police know it, they just gotta keep appearances up. While we’re on the topic of paparazzi, People magazine, along with ET and someone else who I didn’t quite catch, are all gonna boycott celebrity kid photos from supreme scumbag ex-cons who can’t get employed in any other field and really just need to go ahead and donate their organs ahead of that whole dying first rule that most people stick to. The guys took some phone calls and apparently Barnes & Noble, along with Onnit, have a contest going to win a copy of #TheAwesomeGuideToLife and some other stuff, so go check that out and see about getting yourself cool free shit, cause really there’s nothing greater in life than cool free shit. ully and Jason got back to an old project they started a while ago, which is cleaning up the button bar and up first were some music beds that they’ve probably never played, at least not that I can remember, and they got rid of a bunch of those but kept a few that might be good for some new Hatebean material, and even did some test runs of all his new songs, like “Small Tits with Inappropriate Nipples” then they got to some of the classics, like “Bentley” sung to the tune of “Mother” by Danzig, one which I didn’t realize was quite as long as it was. Apparently there was also like fifteen more songs from the Jingleberries about Bentley’s piss smelling like Monster Energy and even though the horse was whipped far beyond it’s demise, it is worth noting that the Jingleberries put way too much work into it that the rest of us probably don’t remember and it was all pretty fucking awesome. There were intro songs for Cullen, Slash, Dingo, Rude Jude, Chad Reed, Maria Brink from In This Moment, Donald Schultz, and a few others. Then there were some sound drops of WILSON being WILSON and I’d happily take those off Jason’s hand to make all of the best ringtones ever. There some sound drops of Jason professing his love for cock that haven’t been played in a while but could certainly come back into regular rotation. It was a great trip down memory lane hearing all the quotes that got me and so many others hooked on the show so long ago. And for those who weren’t around for it, there was once a fan who recorded and posted a bunch of these things for a long time and he gave all of it to us at No You Are, you can look under Cobratits Archive and check all of it out. There were some more old Jingleberries songs that as far as I know never got used for anything but were still a great representation of their talents. Shout out to Cullen and Cechnicki, if y’all aren’t getting some sort of reward for this, you should still keep doing it cause it will all be timeless. Then there some movie sound bites, some porno clips that sounded like senior citizens from the 1980’s, quotes from some guests, isolated vocals from some great moments in rock and roll history, a bunch of other random shit, some Tully quotes, sound effects, Pendarvis quotes, farts, and that was all there was to deal with today, the rest of it can wait. Final calls started rolling in, and like a slew of floating turds and OSHA poster salespeople from Hollywood, Florida, I got up and took a piss then played with the meme generator on my phone to make the photo I tweeted with the link to this recap. If you’ve got any complaints, you can keep them to your god damn self unless you’re gonna go donate a lung and a kidney tomorrow afternoon, gimme a call after the procedure and you can try to sell me top placement on Google all you fucking want.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

If there’s one sound I hate, it’s the sound of people with no appointment who didn’t call to ask ahead if we’ve got time coming in the front door at my work, interrupting a conversation I’m already having with another customer, talking like they’re a regular ass customer even though we’ve never worked on their shit before, acting like I need to drop fucking everything to fix whatever the fuck they got going on, not letting me get a word in edgewise, telling me all the shit they’ve never had a problem with, not getting to the fucking point when I ask them what their car is doing and not having the decency to tell me your fucking name cause I’m supposed to just magically know who the fuck you think you are. That sound makes me want to torque a kitten’s head clean off, just to prove the point that you need to get your attitude under control before you start making my day that much more difficult for no legitimate fucking reason. I refer you to the Screeching Weasel song “Beginningless Vacation” to properly express my sentiments on this kind of behavior. Luckily, that shit came and went and now I can focus on things that actually brighten my day, like The Jason Ellis Show! Today’s show started, very appropriately, with a little ditty by Elvis Costello about writing a book, and if you don’t get the joke it’s cause Ellis’ new book “The Awesome Guide to Life” came out today, so go get a copy of that shit, if all else fails you can use it as a door stop so the kids don’t bust in while you’re slamming your way through thousands of incredibly morally loose women!!! And then he played The Beatles’ “Paperback Writer”!!! IT JUST DOESN’T GET ANY PUNNIER THAN THAT, DAD!!! IT REALLY FUCKING DOESN’T!!! GOD DAMMIT DAD HOW ABOUT YOU WATCH SOMETHING BRITISH AND TRY TO HONE THAT WIT JUST A FUCKING TOUCH, YOU’RE RUINING MY BIRTHDAY PARTY!!! Then Ellis started talking about how our Presidents are all murderers and every last one except Jimmy Carter should be tried and hung, and maybe Jimmy Carter too, just not for murder. There was some more talk about the book and how last time Jason signed a bunch of books husband/wife writer team stopped by the publishing warehouse and got kicked in the teeth by the fact that a dyslexic Australian skateboarder is signing 1000 books and people actually want them. Jason’s gonna be taking his medicine show on the road doing interviews and stuff and pissing off more Texan bloggers who don’t know how to take a joke and make assumptions about what other people really think. Tully and Jason talked a while about the book and what’s in it, but without too much detail so there were no spoilers for all of us that haven’t read it yet. There was more marketing and interview chatter which was very hard for me to pay attention to because there were loud noises and customers in my shop and I was pounding out a bacon cheeseburger like a donkey fucking a watermelon. But it sounds like it’s off to a good start. Jason is gonna be on Adam Carolla’s podcast and Loveline to promote the hell out of it. Andrea recently started going back to school and it was supposed to make for more time for Jason to spend with the kids, but the timing of it is so terrible that he’s actually gonna be seeing them way less, but it’s gonna work out in it’s own way. Luckily, this shit is only gonna be a one week festival of self-help humor bullshit, so the wing is gonna be at his nest with no concerns really soon. Luckily, Dr. Drew has a really trustworthy boner, so if Katie needs to babysit and he shows up, it’s a no harm no foul situation. Jude stopped by to talk parenting and fucking the babysitter, and I was cracked out on the Foreally show all weekend, so this is a very welcome addition to the show for me. Jude is confident that his daughter is gonna be a square, straight laced kid, almost the complete polar opposite of him, and he’s actually as happy about that as a parent could be. They got into some of the deeper effects of how the personalities may be different, but the character flaws are all gonna be the same when it comes to the guys their daughter is gonna date. Jude is even gonna bring it to the level of how your dad farts and how your daughter is gonna gravitate to that familiar stank and rhythm. Tully has found that part of this is true because his sister and his mom are like twins separated at birth even though they’re a generation apart from each other. It really goes to show you that so many people really do grow up to be and/or fuck their parents. The guys talked books and stuff again, cause Jude dropped his book Hyena a little while ago. Then Jude gave a shout out to the official vagina of NoYouAre, the one and only Jenni Mazowiesky, cause she stopped by his show to hang out the other day and it was a great time for everybody. This got the discussion turned to how you make a logo to market yourself with, like Jason with the Wolfknives and all the RDS stuff he endorses. Jude has also been working out with ropes and kettlebells and shit and it’s been working great for him, so it’s great to know he’s got the cardio to handle all that ketamine. Ha also let Jason know that he still uses cashmere socks to jerk off with, when a silk scarf is unavailable. Using his drawls use to be the standard move, but Jude’s cum is too acidic for a simple pair of tightey-whitey’s to handle. Basically, everything in Jude’s house is covered in jizz at any given time, so if you’re there for a visit, y’know, BYOB or whatever you need to do. A doctor called in to chime in on the whole cumming-in-socks habit, and basically everyone has fungal spores on their feet and socks, so unless they’re oven sterilized, you shouldn’t be jerking into socks or cleaning your dick off with a pair of them. Then Jude propositioned him for a hook-up on some painkillers and the dude maybe knew a dude and they traded pager numbers to handle some shit later. A guy called in to share his experience with athlete’s wang cause back in high school he banged out the campus harlot and hadn’t yet learned about the wonders of tough actin’ Tinactin. Jude only switched to socks cause condoms smell funny and he used to have something known as a fuck egg, which is not as mysterious as you think, it’s pretty much a stretchy latex egg that you beat your dick to pieces inside of. The guys read some of the reviews and Jude found out there were a lot more variations to these eggs than he was aware of before, so maybe it’s time to take a second run with them. Jason went to the tranny awards over the weekend and (SHOCKING) there was a whole fuckload of tranny porn stars and such hanging around and getting awards for things and it sounds like everybody had a great time. Ellis was seated at a table with Jenna Jameson, who has continued her recent run of fucking whacknoodles insanity that all the tabloids are talking about, like talking mad shit on Tito and getting topless on her website so that her webmaster will give her a new password. There was some talk about all the different styles of trannies and how Jude didn’t even realize that Foxxy had a dick when he met her at EllisMania 8 and was eyeballing that shit all night. Just as Jude was leaving, a delivery of flowers came in for Jason and Tully from Betsy, the only fan who is organized and can get things done when Ellis doesn’t really ask for/need it. Of course, aside from all the gender bending adventures that Jason had, there was also a UFC this weekend, and after Metallica cranks it up to eleven on your massive clit penis, we’ll get to talking about it.

Our old friend Kenda Perez called in, with special guest GPS voice, to discuss the fights that went down over the weekend. Also, Dominic Cruz was on conference call with them, so that added to the festivities. Jason and Dominic have a bet going that if Jason can land a punch on the Dominator, then Cruz is gonna have to get Jason’s name tattooed on his ass by some monster energy promo girl, and vice versa if Jason can’t do it. After getting that out of the way, there was a bunch of talk about MMA and fight techniques and what white people didn’t get punched in the face that should have and I didn’t watch any of it cause I camped in front of my Playstation with the Foreally show on blast for two and a half days straight, so I have no opinion, but it sounds like the only thing the UFC was missing this weekend is white people getting punched in the face. But luckily, we all know that Kenda slept in nothing but an EllisMate T-shirt and has been pretty much living in her new Red Dragons hoodie, so if you know all the designs it really easy to imagine that draped over her willing, powerless body, just waiting for you to snap one off across her grille like a creepy BDSM good morning victimization kind of thing. There was supercross this weekend too, and Chad Reed participated, so it’s good to see his injuries from the last one haven’t slowed him down too much, but it was a tough one for him, so he may be rethinking finishing out the season or taking a few races off to recuperate. The guys took some phone calls and people chimed in to say that the books are getting delivered on time, unlike the debut Death!Death!Die! album.There’s a video floating around the internet of Ken Block rolling his rally car right at the most crucial part of the season, costing him a season championship. Basically, after pounding out a few wins, there was a fucked up high spot in the road under some weeds that they wouldn’t have been able to see and it flipped his car ass over tea kettle, almost taking his spotter’s arm off and generally turning one 650HP Ford Fiesta into a one-ton heap of scrap metal. It sounds like more of a failure on the part of the track inspectors who forgot to mention where the road narrowed and this god damn car flipping hump in the dirt was. And as a true testament of how little Ken gives a fuck, once the car landed right side up again, he actually tried to restart the engine and take off, not realizing that a lot of the most important parts were strewn across the countryside, including the wheels, which are usually quite important when trying to win a race or make an object move across a generally flat surface. Wilson got called in to explain why the hell he insists on adding music to the logs for Jason to use based on completely arbitrary circumstances and very inconsequential tidbits of information from recent things Jason has been doing. Basically, Pendarvis is a cunt hair away from finding a great reason, that doesn’t really exist, to slip some Dave Matthews band in after a segment about someone wrecking a car or having sex with a mule.

Thursday is gonna be jam packed for the wing, he’s gonna be doing a Q&A on Reddit, and the radio show, and Loveline and a whole gang of shit too. But that’s nothing compared to Tully who’s gonna have a wife who’s doing a no sugar or wheat or processed or fun or tasty or nutritional or fulfilling diet and it’s almost like having a chick with rampant PMS, only that she could have a particularly bad round of PMS during her self induced PMS, so it’s almost like when you punch a bull and don’t run away fast enough. The guys talked a while about all the frontier medicine and ten dollar per ounce bullshit organic products that are simply nothing but someone’s inflated opinion about people who like science, capitalizing on the well paid and poorly informed masses who think that riding a fixie bike at 12 MPH in the far left lane of a three lane expressway is gonna save the environment, not considering that every car that’s backing up behind them is polluting three times as much and burning way more gas at low RPM in first gear waiting for this lycra clad post-revolutionary to get the fuck off the road and get behind the counter at Kinko’s where he fucking belongs. But enough about all that, cause Dana White is on the phone to talk some more UFC with the boys. Considering that he’s the president of that organization, he seems to know quite a bit about all the fighters and events, so it was refreshing to hear a well informed voice speaking about the subject. Recently, Dana pulled down a barrista who was in the process of being fired from working the drive-thru window when Dana called to let him know he’s got bigger and better things to work for and that he should tell his boss that venti doesn’t even mean twenty in Italian and that Starbucks can gargle some load with their fucking disgusting diarrhea water coffee, and that everyone behind the counter should probably listen to the MMA fighter who could snap all of them in half when he’s saying he’s got a really good reason to need to take a phone call at work. After Dana excused himself to go continue mobbing up more fighters for his semi-legal but wholly entertaining organization, Jason asked the fans to make sure that every tweet for the next day or so could include #TheAwesomeGuideToLife or #AwesomeGuideToLife or whatever the fuck they settled on for the hashtag. But failing that haswhtag trending all over the world, Jason asked a bunch of friends like Tony Hawk and Rob Dyrdek to give a shout when they can, but didn’t ask Carey Hart cause he’s getting back surgery and it would be a little tasteless to go asking for favors from somebody’s possible deathbed. But not nearly as bad as the interpreters at the UFC, that shit is like trying to make a four year old read Siddhartha in front of a room full of Nobel Lauriates. The guys kicked around more MMA talk for a while and stuff, and that was probably great for all the folks with opinions on it. So, last week Jetta declared that 90% of the fans are idiots, and while that may be sort of true, so the guys called him into the studio to remind him that it’s not that god damn difficult to make sure the talent has water to drink while they’re talking for four hours. He also can’t keep a microphone next to his face properly when trying to respond to the many accusations that he’s now left himself open to by ostracizing the fans. Ellis and Tully cooked up a game for Jetta to play so that he can back up his claims about the caller’s intelligence and see if he’s really that fucking smart and special. First question, who was the fourth President of the USA? Jetta’s answer was compared to three callers who answered that it was either Grover Cleveland, John Quincy Adams or Jeff, uh fucking, David, and Jetta’s answer was Andrew Jackson, and nobody was correct but doesn’t single out Jetta as being superior to anybody just yet. Next question was how many cups are in a gallon? And for a guy who deals in quarts and pints and gallons all day the way I do, it was a simple mathematical equation for me, but the callers said it was either 32, 16 or 24, and Jetta answered 16, proving that one out of three callers and Jetta were correct. Next question, who won last year’s Stanley Cup? The callers estimated it was either The Bruins, the L.A. Kings or someone else that I didn’t hear, and Jetta answered the Detroit Red Wings, and none of them were correct, especially since the L.A. Kings are a basketball team but Ellis let that one slide cause it was a really cute sounding lady that gave that answer. It was the Chicago Blackhawks, in case you’re wondering, and since I’m planning to move to Canada I should probably start taking in some of this kind of info on the off chance it can prevent me from getting deported back to Oakland or some backward ass farming community in Europe somewhere that my ancestors are from. NEXT QUESTION!!! What war was the backdrop for the TV show M.A.S.H.? The callers suggested Vietnam, Vietnam, and Vietnam, and Jetta answered Vietnam as well, but if you ever actually paid some god damned attention while you were watching that show, you would know that it was KOREA!!! And as an interesting sidenote, the Korean war only lasted about 2 and a half years, but the show M.A.S.H. lasted for almost eleven, just goes to show you that Hollywood will keep whipping the carcass as long as the ratings are good. Next question, how much does Jason’s penis weigh? The callers guessed that it was either 6 pounds soft, 3.7 pounds, or 100 pounds and Jetta answered one ounce, and even though 6 pounds was correct, Jason decided to mail a book to the guy who said 100 pounds cause it is nice to have one’s ego stroked from time to time. The next question for Jetta and the fans was what is the second amendment to the US constitution? The callers said it was either the right to bear arms, the right to bear arms, or the right to bear arms, and Jetta was correct in writing down the same answer as all those three dudes. Next muthafuckin’ question, party people, NAME THE CAPITOL OF EITHER NORTH OR SOUTH DAKOTA!!! The answers given by the callers were Dakota, Bear-fox, and Pierre and Jetta was so shook by the question that he didn’t even bother to answer, making the one guy who answered Pierre correct on this particular occasion. Next dose of party trivia, who is the rime Minister of Canada? The callers answered that it was either Sasquatch, Santa Claus or Steven Harper, all of which trumped Jetta’s answer of Rob Ford, the crack smoking obese alcoholic mayor of Toronto (who I fully intend to party with if it guarantees me a Canadian green card, plus I just want to see a ridiculously fat guy spun out of his balls in a perfectly friendly setting, cause I never got to meet Chris Farley and hat was probably a great show to be around). Jetta, proving his tardedness once again, was trumped by the answer of Steven Harper, whose name I’m almost guaranteed to forget even though I might need to know it when I move to Canada, unless that whole Rob Ford citizenship-for-yayo arrangement works out for me. Next question, who is the current points leader in supercross? The callers suggested it was either Ryan Villapoto, Jason Ellis, or what’s that again? Jetta answered Villapoto, but unfortunately nobody was correct because the real leader for this season was never revealed but I’m sure people who are paying attenton know who it is and that’s what’s really important. Next question, what are the colors of the Australian flag? Callers surmised that they were either “I hope I know by the time they put me on the air”, red white and blue, or red white and blue, and Jetta answered blue and white which earned him a spin of the wheel of doom. Jetta bowed out to the fact that maybe his original estimate of 90% may have been a bit high on the caller-to-idiot ratio. That will not protect him from emotional abuse at the hands of his employers and customers though, and rightly so, cause it doesn’t pay to be a twat. To be fair though, the intern Hardcore doesn’t know what the Australian flag looks like either and has no interest in traveling the world, so at least he’s got a good excuse. After busting Jetta’s balls a little while longer, Jetta apologized to the audience and the guys let him go back to the phones to continue being abused by the clientele. As an olive branch to the EllisFam, Jetta volunteered to give a foot massage to the grodiest set of feet that can get an afternoon off work to come down to the studio and transmit some athlete’s wang to Jetta’s hands.

HOLLYWOOD NEWS TIME FUCKERS!!! The race for worst song of 2014 is in full swing as Billy Ray Cyrus has re-recorded “Achey-Breakey hearty” this time with guest vocals from someone claiming to be Dionne Warwick’s son and a backbeat that is just unacceptable and quite frankly if you need any more proof that country is dead, you should probably be fucking executed yourself cause you’re fucking up the gene pool. Same with white girls that have no ass who feel the need to twerk and decided to do so on the new Billy Ray Cyrus video! Also, Sharknado 2 is in the process of being filmed, and one of the stars is friend of the show Mark McGrath. Also, Jason almost got blackballed into talking about George Zimmerman on Dr. Drew On Call, but the producers there were reasonable enough to understand his view on it and let him sit that segment out. Long story short, it wouldn’t hurt the media’s bottom line to have some god damn dignity and quality control with the content they put out. Somebody called in to suggest that Jason should try out for Sharknado 2 and although it would be great publicity for the Awesome Guide to Life, there’s really no legitimate reason that should happen. The Sharknado franchise has jumped the Sharknado, in my personal opinion. Axl Rose’s ex wife recently had a photo shoot with her two sons and some of the images really make it look like the mom is in a love triangle with her two sons. And in case it wasn’t shockingly obvious, Ellen Page is a taco bumper, and not just cause it’s trendy, she’s team V all the way. Barbara Walters is 84 years old and shrinking fast. She also told her “The View” co-hosts about her vibrator which is making yesterday’s lunch rise back up in my throat, so let’s move on. And Shia LeBouf is making a terrible attempt at retiring from public life cause Hardcore the intern did a little recon on him and found an art exhibit with himself as the subject, where he will sit across from you at a table with a paper bag over his head and you can do whatever you want to his semi-conscious body as he just sits there and cries. Hardcore got an Instagram video of his experience at this exhibit. He even got to watch the Bouf eat a Hershey’s kiss under a paper bag. So, pretty much safe to say that LeBouf is pretty much the next Corey Feldman and/or Haim. The guys turned to the phones to finish out the show and it was a lot less ridiculous than normal, so that’s good. If you haven’t gotten your hands on a copy of the Awesome Guide to Life yet, you should swing by Barnes and Noble and get a dog up ya. Some guy called in to ask Jason his queef experience and we’ve all seen the Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat, so we know exactly what a queef is and it really doesn’t require that much conversation. Tully found a news story about a snake handler priest who was recently killed after suffering several poisonous snake bites, because not getting bitten doesn’t mean that god likes you, it means that you’ve gotten lucky and haven’t pissed off the snake in a good long time. There were some more phone calls and stuff, and that was all fine and dandy and shit. The guys had to cut it short though, cause Tony Hawk’s Demolition Radio was live and somehow that was preventing Tony from helping promote Jason’s new book.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

PRICE SHOP ME INTO OBLIVION MOTHER FUCKERS!!! I’m having one of those exceptional days where everybody would like me to handle all of their life problems by way of unconscionably cheap auto repair that meets all the standards of the misinformation they’ve grown so accustomed to. THANK YOU INTERNET!!! You make everyone believe that I shouldn’t be able to charge anyone more than $20 and can fix anything in ten minutes with a magical machine I can wave at their vehicle through the phone that also makes a litter of adorable baby foxes frolic in their living room for the whole family to enjoy! While I sit back and pray for the end of humanity, how’s about some awesome background noise by way of the Jason Ellis Show?!?!??!??! HOW’S THAT SOUND?!??!?! I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT ABSOLUTELY FREE, IS THAT OK WITH YOU??!?!?!??! Today’s show started with a lot of talk about love and happiness, which I am currently immune to because of my seething hatred of anyone with a phone and a car and the phone number for my work, but Ellis is feeling it and that’s good. Sometimes you’ve gotta trick yourself into it, but you can go too far with that too, so be careful, just make sure you know how to be grateful for shit. Tully is back from his sick day and is feeling a lot better, so if you’re not a member of team #FuckTully then you can take some comfort in the fact that he’s alive and well, but he did totally have a Cameron from “Ferris Bueller” day yesterday, so that’s awesome. But his wife wasn’t having it for a god damn second, cause she’s old school Japanese and they don’t play that shit. Ellis suggested that Tully should fight his son in the Octagon someday, and although Tully thinks he probably won’t be the most capable fighter when his kid is old enough for this fight to be morally acceptable, I think I’m in the majority when I say that this fight needs to happen. There was some talk about possibly jockeying out the McGook baby to be assaulted by the children of UFC fighters, and that would be a close second to seeing the Tully father/son death match. This is really all of the show that I got to listen to at work because it really was a fucking madhouse for nine solid hours, and the on demand didn’t go up till really late and I pumped myself full of coffee and read Rude Jude’s book from front to back, so if shit gets weird just understand that there’s a lot of layers to what I’m writing this evening. The guys talked about how great it’s gonna be when they’re old and they get to pull a senile Howard Stern type setup with a one hour intro and outro from Cumtard every day, and that actually sounds pretty entertaining too, almost as much as seeing a toddler assaulted by third generation combat athletes. Ellis talked about what he knows about all the UFC offspring and how most of them are girls cause their dads are hoarding all the testosterone for themselves, but a few of them very well could be clones because they’re just too god damn good at what their parents do for a living. The guys addressed some of the comments that people have been leaving over the Sam Rubin fuck up where he confused Samuel L. Jackson with Laurence Fishburn, and as a guy who really does hope that Sam gets Sammed in the Sam with a 4 inch wide fish hook covered Sam, it really is great to have some easy ammo against this hacky Hollywood reporter AGAIN, especially after his epic showing at EllisMania 9, where I almost volunteered to climb in the ring and personally knock him the fuck out to prevent having to hear him Sam ever again. Then again, he works in Hollywood and a really vast deal of that means being fake and a corporate schill, so it wouldn’t surprise me if we hear about him signing up to go to rehab for his crippling racism, that may or may not be true, but if it”s not then god damn that was one colossal Freudian slip, not just like saying a different person’s name, but going so far as to get a widely recognized recent part of someone’s career completely mixed up with someone else. Cumtard was congratulated for bringing in ladies to ride AJ McLean’s lap and get two knuckles deep in each other (allegedly, but definitely not with a slow hand) yesterday afternoon, and he better lap it up while he can cause I’m sure they’re gonna be stabbing him in the balls over something soon enough. Ellis was really distracted by all the free roaming tits and tang in the studio yesterday, but was really happy that it went so well. Jason finally figured out what to do with the drift trike that Crazy Jerr gave him in Vegas at the last EllisMania (which I have seen personally and Jerr is a sick cunt for building it), he’s figured out that strapping one of his kids to it then towing it around with a dirtbike is a lot of fun for everybody. Tully took Linsanity to the movies for the first time recently, and it almost went good, but he brought one of his 2 year old friends and he has the attention span of a 2 year old, cause he’s 2 years old, and even though it was a special kids only presentation, it would have been cheaper to make popcorn at home and download everything you want to watch on Bittorrent. Ellis is getting back in to training, as he’s known to do, and is thoroughly enjoying it again, bright neon yellow Pacquiao boxing shoes and all. The only problem with the shoes is that they only had them in a half size too big for the wing, and he’s not trying to have bleeding ankles after a morning fitness session, so the shoes were given away to a fan cause, hey, waste not want not. Tully got a double strained groin doing some fancy yoga type shit a while back, and blew out his vag when he overextended on an extreme kegel while waiting for some folks to show up for a pickup game of basketball. The guys took a phone call from a sheriff who got fit cause Ellis and Tully’s mutually injured clitori inspired him to shed some pounds and he had such a good story that Ellis sent him the Pac-Man vitamin piss yellow fighting boots so he can shake down hookers and give out pointless quota tickets in style. Chad Reed sublimely fucked himself up at the Supercross this last weekend, but his vagina is still perfectly intact so he’s not gonna miss the next one for anything short of a shotgun blast to the face. And Ellis still wants to have a kickboxing fight with him, so that it can be proven once and for all that Australians are incapable of taking good advice when it comes to preventing bodily injury. Ellis wants to go to Thailand to get some real Muay Thai training with actual Thai people and maybe even get a real fight with one, but Tully doesn’t think there’s ever gonna be a big enough Thai man to fight him, however there will be plenty of adequately sized Thai women, and you don’t even have to go to Thailand to find them, Michael can get one shipped in from Milwaukee. There were some more phone calls from people who need more important things to do then making outgoing phone calls to absolutely anyone. There was more talk of Chad Reed and general sick cunting, and fighting Thai people, and getting ten million dollars to open a gym with where people can have unsanctioned comedy fights that are really high quality and don’t violate anyone’s insurance coverage. Just as long as nobody tries to feed you Pad Thai while they’re tossing your salad, everything is perfectly copacetic. A bunch of people called in to talk about Thailand like they grew up there and know everything about the country, but there’s enough stories of weekend warriors beating the fuck out of tourists in teeny local spots just outside the tranny/juvenile hooker part of town that it’s worth being pretty well practiced before going too deep into the underground kickboxing scene. The callers seemed to really like the idea of Thailand and couldn’t shut the fuck about it, and all it did was make me really bummed out that the Thai restaurant near my work is closed on Tuesdays and I had to go for a burrito at my favorite little place instead and the guy made it way too spicy and it just made my two day heartburn streak that much worse. The guys took a few minutes to regroup cause today’s got a lot of shit going on and it’s fucking important to keep things moving.

Sam Tripoli is gonna be on the show soon. If you don’t remember, he used to be on the Wild World of Spike with Jason and Kit Cope. Him and Jason were on the outs for a bit after some argument involving Mayhem Miller, but they patched things up and shit is cool now, so look forward to that. Ellis was floating the idea of getting some sponsors for the show, and as funny as it would be for the live reads for lard bean mulch (Jason actually practiced this segment and it was hilarious), it wouldn’t work if they stayed on Faction cause the music channels are supposed to be commercial free on SiriusXM so no go on that. Tully found a news story about the worst goddamn thing since I saw a Proactiv vending machine, apparently in Vancouver you can buy a crack pipe for 25 cents right next to the Dr. Pepper machine and the Burrito machine that’s gonna be installed sometime next month. As a guy whose met a lot of crack users, this is one of those things that where “legalizing it” really isn’t the kind of thing to be endorsing. But enough about crack, cause Doug Benson is in studio and he’s just a good ol’ American pothead. Doug heard about the guests who used the studio couch yesterday and this spawned the idea of adding some shackles and chains and making it into a torture couch, since it’s not that comfortable to start with and does have a slight demonic flair to the styling of it. Doug saw Jason on SAAAAAAAMMM’s show the other day and was really surprised that Jason was able to G-rate himself, considering the amount of times you can hear the word cunt on Big Fucking Mega Boat: The Movie: The Soundtrack. Doug talked for a while about some of his recent gigs, and this one time on comedy central when he was telling a joke hat had the phrase “penis in a vagina” and the only word that got beeped was “in”, but porn chicks are kind of indifferent to porn jokes, especially if you’re telling them at a porn convention. Jason thought about what a good idea it would be to have someone in studio keep a handful of lotion ready so they can Spiderman porn stars that come on the show to get a good gauge of how porny they are in their off the clock lives. Tully mentioned how Shaun White pulled off a 4th place finish in the Olympics and Doug recalled one time when Shaun was maybe 8 or 9 years old and he saw him eat shit on a ramp in one of the most horrific childhood traumas a person can watch happen, and Bob Burnquist couldn’t stop laughing about it with Jason after the contest was over. Cumtard came in to play a game with the guys, specifically this game was all about movies and how much of a film buff Doug is and trying to see if Ellis and Tully are as tight on their game as he is. Before the game could even start, Doug was already flexing his film geek nuts for a few minutes. There’s also a YouTube video of Doug getting fucked up on ether, cause why the hell not. He’s actually got a whole series of videos of him and his friends getting high at his house, and even one with him and his friends getting high on stage. One time Doug got super high on dabs and recorded his podcast and a bunch of people thought he was having a stroke or some shit. So back to the movie game, the object is to come up with a movie title for a new project that’s two recent movies “meeting” each other. Doug’s first one to pitch was “The Fast and the Furious” meets “The Hangover” and if you like blackout alcoholics and monster tuned Japanese cars, then this is definitely the movie for you. It’s got Asians and drunk people and cars getting posterized into telephone poles and hookers hanging out the sunroof and power techno and strippers and it’s called “Hangover 4 Fast Furious 6”. Next up, “Pirates of the Caribbean” meets “Beetlejuice” which will be a family friendly romp that includes pirates roaming the desert in the land of the dead, fighting giant sandworms and octupi, and helping Wynona Ryder fuck her way to the upper-middle of Hollywood, and it shall be a steaming pile of shite that will ruin Michael Keaton until Tim Burton decides to take back the Batman franchise. After that is the tour-de-force of “Groundhog’s Day” meets “Nightmare on Elm St.” which I envision as Bill Murray reliving the same day which ends with him having the same nightmare every night, only to be murdered and reborn and not only have to deal with that overgrown chinchilla that a bunch of hicks are trusting for meteorological guidance, but then being eviscerated in every way imaginable by a knife fingered janitor who may or may not be barred from working with children but good luck finding the records cause nobody can verify his social security number. If that doesn’t whet your appetite for laughs, how about the unholy union of “Ocean’s Eleven” and “Revenge of the Nerds”? Featuring George Clooney and Brad Pitt perpetrating the greatest panty raid the city of Las Vegas has ever seen, complete with twists and turns and somebody getting the shit kicked out of him by a bouncer at the titty bar for getting too grabby in the champagne room. The guys talked for a while about how the Olympics is a total crock of shit and how Oscar Pistorious should not be a role model for handicapped people because even though he ran some of the greatest sprints ever with no legs, he also shot his girlfriend thinking that it was an intruder in his house. And Michael Phelps smokes weed, but god forbid we rethink the way we regulate either of those things. Doug had to raise the fuck up and make some seat space for Rob Corddry cause nobody wants to sit on a really uncomfortable couch that hasn’t had the snail trails cleaned off while someone else is getting their moment in the spotlight.

Jason listened to a show bumper where it might be misinterpreted and people will be thinking that he’s talking about shitting in their holes, and had to listen to it again a couple times and have Rob Corddry cosign and explain the more “don’t say this cause lawyers will fuck you with it” side of Hollywood. The guys talked about how a shitinthehole.com t-shirt is kind of like abortion, it should be safe, free and rarely needed, and I have a “Jack the Cunt” shirt and a shirt that just says “Mel Gibson is an Asshole” so if shitinthehole.com ever actually happen, expect to see me wearing an abortion every couple weeks. Rob was pleased to find that he has an intro on Jason’s show now, and for $5, the guys couldn’t have done a whole lot better without trading some large amounts of drugs or your anal virginity. Jason got the idea that it would be cool to start a business where people would run to the store and get you tacos for $5, minus the cost of aforementioned tacos, and that Jetta should be the flagship delivery boy. The guys discussed drugs and the black market for a little bit, and how if you’re still buying weed on the black market in Colorado you’re kind of a dumbass cause there’s just no fucking point anymore and eventually your guy is gonna try and get you hooked on something that he can actually earn money on. Rob told the story of one time when he realized that smoking weed has to be a rare thing for him because he took one hit off a half tobacco joint at a kids party and conversing with all the other parents suddenly got really difficult. There was some more talk about riding out shitty highs, like this one time I did shrooms and it was kind of a shitty situation where I was hanging out and really weird things kept happening in this house and one of the guys got some phone call that flipped him and he went and smashed his room and somehow I ended up paralyzed on the floor in the hallway for three hours and hippies tried to take care of me and if I had the strength I would have made them fuck off cause hippies are pretty often the most two-faced shitheads ever. Rob once had a legit prescription for vicodine and didn’t realize until his doctor started looking like Pablo Escobar that he might just be getting a little hooked on government sponsored heroin “light”. There was some more talk about how the man will definitely try to make you a fucking J-cat and that nobodies gonna be held responsible cause that’s how capitalism works in this day and age. Some folks called in to ask the best way to avoid getting painkillers and the easiest way is to not fill your prescription and let the black market go handle it amongst themselves. Jason told Rob about one time when he broke his hand and then cut the cast off to continue making money skating and the pin that the doctors put in it came loose and everything started falling apart in his wrist and when he went to the hospital to get it fixed the doctor went all Texas Chainsaw Massacre on his shit. Rob has been in the process of making a sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine, which reminds me of a chapter in Rude Jude’s book called Hot Tub Time Machine 2001. It’s gonna be some epic shit if Corddry has anything to do with it, cause he’s fucking Corddry, and he’s got a massive cock that hangs way below his balls and is fucking beautiful. There was some talk about how much air travel sucks especially when celebrities get called out to do free promos by airline staff who don’t know how to keep shit to themselves and not throw people under the bus when they’re probably not interested in giving you an autograph cause they’re jet lagged and haven’t shit properly for a week. Rob Corddry had to be reminded that Shirley Temple died today and not in the 1970’s, and Tully found a story about how Shirley stopped believing in Santa Claus after some mall Santa asked her for an autograph when she was six. The guys talked about mall Santas for a while cause Rob thinks that the Santa at the Grove does a great job, but when Tully brought the McGook baby to meet him, that Santa shut down like his union break started the second a slant-eye started talking to him. They also talked about all those Hollywood characters that wander the street selling tourists the opportunity to get a photo with Batman for $5 and how all those guys are some of the most shady characters imaginable and they will fucking cut you, whitey, they will fucking cut you. Rob told the guys a little more about the finer points of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and how you’re missing out if you haven’t seen the first one yet. Just remember, the hot tub takes you were you have to go, not where you want to go. But not John Cusack, cause he kinda got hosed on his investment the last time he played with the Hot Tub Time Machine. The guys talked for a while about how there’s lots of time travel movies that really sucked and they all missed the obvious perfect use of a time machine, which is to send fat girls back in time to when shit was squalid and there was no Uber and you really couldn’t get fat or else you wouldn’t be able to outrun a wild boar or a dragon and would get eaten alive in some really gruesome fashion. The guys poured one out for Shirley Temple by toasting with the mean Shirley Temple’s that Jetta is known to make. There were a bunch of phone calls and stuff for Rob and the boys about all kinds of things like drugs and movies and somebody mentioned Vince Neil but I don’t remember why. Clint Eastwood saved some guys life by doing the Heimlich on a guy at a golf tournament, and if I had been there I would have let the fucker die cause golf sucks and the rich need to have their herd thinned out a bit, and survival of the fittest means that if you can choke to death on a piece of cheese you’re probably just another turd in the gene pool. Final calls started rolling through and it was mostly “Hey Rob, you’re awesome”, “Hey Jason and Tully, you’re awesome”, and a few people who definitely need to choke to death on some cheese at a golf tournament. There was also a guy who called in and rattled off a whole slew of Ellis show shout outs in Spanish and that was pretty entertaining, and kinda sexy.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

GOOD AFTERNOON YOU FUCKING WANKERS!!! I shouldn’t say that, some of you are the cunts that the wankers are fucking. Circle of life, my friends, circle of fucking life. Like when you miss a rent payment and the landlord comes for your kneecaps. But I digress, cause there’s way more important things happening today, like the Jason Ellis Show!!! Today’s festivities started with some talk about how even the mediocre shit you do is still pretty important in the grand scheme of things, like getting clocked falling over on a vert ramp motivating the next Ryan Sheckler, or some such shit. Just keep moving, y’know? It keeps other people from getting their foot in the door to fuck up your shit. It keeps you from growing to hate everything too. Things like gay rights, and French people (which are almost one and the same really, except that no one likes the French). Katie showed Jason a picture of some people protesting some gay event and he tweeted off a response that was probably very intelligent and hilarious, I couldn’t verify that cause I don’t go stalking people’s timelines, but it could be true. Ellis got a bunch of responses from people who were just “standing up for what they believe” cause that’s never been a bad thing *cough cough* World War 2 and the Cold War and Vietnam and both visits to Iraq and pretty much every guerilla faction in Africa or south America *cough cough*. Long story short folks, gays have been around longer than the bible and they haven’t been proven wrong as often as that book has, so maybe it’s time to get the fuck over yourself and try some of that unconditional love that your magic pal Jesus was always talking about, y’know, the actual teachings of your personal spiritual master. Just a thought, whatever. Of course, we can never have a bridge marrying a taco, cause neither one is a taxpayer or has the opposable digits required to sign a marriage certificate. At the very least, be like Wilson and write a letter to Chick-Fil-A to let them know that they’re fucking up the curve for the rest of humanity, like a lot of southern American organizations are. Maybe I’m just being biased cause I’m planning to move to Canada, but I think it would be Hilarious if the Amish went stir crazy and started the zombie apocalypse through some dark magic. It would put a smile on my face. A really big one. The guys took some phone calls, one guy called in to give perspective that it matters to give consideration to both sides of the argument, but couldn’t give too much more information other than a bunch of over recycled propaganda, so kind of pointless. Then he rattled off a bunch of bullshit about his own life and shit and that continued to reinforce the fact that his opinion didn’t really hold too much water. Then Rude Jude came in to posterize this guys point of view that it’s better to let orphans stay in institutions than it is to let them get adopted by loving parents who just happen to be the same sex as each other. I high fived the radio for Jude making this point, cause that really is my big case for the whole thing. It’s not gonna end civilization, and it’ll save the government a fuckload of money that it shouldn’t have to spend for people’s unwanted kids that can’t be adopted due to backwards archaic opinions that ignore all of human progress in the last couple hundred years. The next caller they took never had a problem with gay people until he met this one really sassy queen back in high school, and while I’ve met a few of those myself, it’s not enough to spoil the bunch for me. Annoying people are annoying no matter what they like to stuff in their orifices, they’re just human, and humans are notorious for needing to be told to shut the fuck up once in a while. The next caller made his case that some gay support groups could do well to not be so hateful towards people that honestly don’t understand the movement and just stay out of the argument. There were some more points and counter points to it all, and then Ellis suggested that we should all get married under the authority of Zeus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster and just move the fuck on from it all. All sorts of intelligent talk about the whole subject, which basically boils down to don’t be a dick and stay the fuck out of other people’s business if they tell you that where you hang out on Sunday is full of kooks. Besides, we all know gay sex from 2000 years ago was way more manly than it is today, cause we’re evolved and refined and this ain’t the fucking time in human history where we’re bashing people with rocks for a burning stick to keep our family warm for the night anymore. Rant over, if you have a different opinion you’re welcome to tell somebody who gives a shit, cause you had to click the link to read this and I don’t have to respond to a god damn thing if I don’t feel like it. Jude remembers working as a bathroom attendant at a gay bar and how the sassy queens were fucking annoying as fuck, and it had nothing to do with them being gay, just the fact that they complained too god damn much and don’t know how to tip or say excuse me, proof once more that it’s not the color of your skin, or who you love, but it’s how you treat people who work in customer service that determines the quality of your character. Just whatever you plan on doing with your fun parts, don’t do it in front of people’s kids, cause it’s just rude, and it might bug the guy that’s making your fucking latte, which brings me back to the whole point about how you treat people who work in customer service. And freedom. And being able to call out the Bald Eagle for being the animal kingdom’s greatest panhandlers. #Murrica but not really, cause like I said, I’m moving to Canada. #Cannder #IfThatsEvenTheRightWayToTranslateThatOne #FuckItLetsGoGetSomePoutine #AndYouCanBuyRDSgearInStoresYouDontEvenHaveToHitUpTheWebsite

In honor of one of the greater bits of co-hosts past, the guys brought back “Doing Stuff With…” this time featuring our old friend Joanna Angel. There was some banter between Joanna and the rest of the gang for a little bit, then they got right up in it, like a well lubed rubber fist, to see if Joanna could help some callers with their emergencies and incompetence. But first, you know how the Russians are being total assholes about the Olympics? Well, there’s signs up in all the bathrooms that are informing people not to piss standing up, cause in Soviet Russia, toilet piss on you!!! And also because the public is a pack of morons, but also there was a sign hanging up that informs people that they are also not allowed to puke in the toilets, upper deck the Olympic commodes, no fishing, and no heroin, cause all those things are apparently happening far too often for the Russian Olympics, and they’re not having anymore doped up fish clogging the plumbing this time. But now, it’s time to find out if Joanna can de-tard some people who need to know how to do stuff! First up, the basics, how to change a tire, sans a Triple A membership, and according to Joanna there’s a thing in the car that you use to unlock the tire and after you get it off there’s a thing with a spring on it that holds the spare tire, and then you put the spare on and then you have to take your old tire to get fixed as soon as you can. Pretty close, so I’ll let it ride. First caller asked how to put a boat in the water, and according to Ms. Angel, first you gotta put the engine on, and then get a couple friends to push it at the sides and rock it back and forth until it slides off the trailer and goes into the water. But of course you have to get it close to the water first, so when you go to the boat store, make sure you get a boat that comes with a trailer and a car that can actually pull a trailer with a boat on it. This one time, Joanna’s car sprouted a trailer just by pushing a button that she didn’t know the reason for. Not quite a trailer actually, just the motorized trailer hitch that hides itself in the bumper to look all sleek and clean when you’re not using it. Next caller asked if Joanna knew how to connect a semi truck to a trailer, which is way more difficult than that fancy push button trailer hitch on Joanna’s car, but it’s pretty much the same system, so just push the button and Robert is your mother’s brother, mother fucker. It’s almost exactly like the Transformers movie, but Shia LeBouf is not required to participate, making it a much less insulting experience. Next guy who called in tried to make a joke about getting Joanna to swallow, but then cut the cord on that to ask his real question which was how do you make bread? Joanna seems to think a lot of things work by way of button, but if you’re going old school, you’re gonna need yeast, flour, water and eggs, then you mix that shit up and put it in an oven and when it looks like bread you cut it up and make yourself a sandwich, or make your significant other a sandwich, hopefully after they’ve done something sexually gratifying for you and you feel like returning the favor with your freshly home made bread, topped with whatever delicious fillings you have available, BECAUSE THAT IS THE ESSENCE OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, MOTHER FUCKERS!!! After that, there was a caller that wanted to know how to drive a stick shift, from a lady who would certainly know how to bang some gears YAKNOWWHATIMSAYINBROHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA but seriously, Joanna has never driven a manual transmission car before, so her explanation was quite amusing to those of us who know how to double-clutch or sidestep the little guy on the left for the purpose of making sharp turns with some fucking style. The caller after that asked for the best way to check the oil in his car, which is really simple if you just open the hood, then open a thing that looks like a gear and there’s a long metal thing that you pull out and if it has oil on it then you’re good, but if it’s dirty you should change it, but only if the Jiffy-Lube guy tells you his opinion of it first, cause they know their shit when it comes to people who shouldn’t be working on cars. The guys took to twitter for some questions, first one being how to clean a fish. Joanna’s answer was to dunk it in some water with ice and (GASP) salt if you’re feeling really adventurous, just make sure you leave it in for about fifteen minutes and debone that fucker before you eat it. Next we heard from a lady who needed to know how to get a small car out of a ditch if you’re in the snow. First, you’re gonna need to start keeping a shovel in your car, make sure the car is running too so it can radiate some heat and melt some of the snow off and make your job a little easier, then you gotta ease it back and forth, in and out, up and down, just like anal, until you’re back on the highway kickin’ ass like the Canadians do every summer. Next caller needed to know how to parallel park and Joanna knows that all you have to do is look at the screen in your dashboard and listen for it to beep at you, come on folks, she’s not an idiot, make this shit difficult god dammit. Then there was a lady who called in and complimented Joanna’s laugh and asked if she knew how to pitch a tent AN ACTUAL TENT NOT JUST GIVING A GUY A BONER, so she got to explaining that you’ve gotta lay the tent out flat and unfold all the poles and then start sliding them into the flaps and holes and start pushing them through deeper and deeper until you have temporary outdoor shelter. After that was a call about how to stitch up your leg after you amputate it jumping off the dock onto your boat that you and your friends just hucked into the water like a dead body into a tire fire, and if you can’t get to a hospital quick enough, first you gotta tie a couple t-shirts on it to slow the blood loss as much as you can, then get to a hospital as quick as you can, but if that’s not an option you gotta start a campfire and cauterize that fucker quick. NEXT QUESTION how to start a campfire without a lighter, to which the obvious answer is rub your buddies dicks together and mooch off the body heat. Next one down the line, how do you get a raccoon out of your attic? Well, if you can’t call animal control, first you gotta seduce it, but make sure you keep it at a distance, then get one of your friends to come over and crush it’s skull with a lobster mallet, or leave some poison or some scotch out for it mixed with cat food and make sure your hands are wrapped in t-shirts when you haul it out to your neighbor’s recycling bin. The next guy called in to ask how to patch a hole in a barbed wire fence, which basically just requires you to get of your ass and hang some more barbed wire you lazy fuck. After that a guy called to ask how to keep your wife from cutting off your favorite components after you forget to clear your browsing history and she finds the craigslist ad you answered where you’re gonna go let some other guy watch you fuck his wife, and the long and short answer is to not be a fucking moron about it and either cover your tracks or divorce the one before you fuck the other, cause that’s pretty much where it’s headed anyway. Some guy Joanna used to know would always ask to come over and watch her fuck other people so he could sit in the corner and feel bad about it, but she never really let it go down like that cause it kinda wouldn’t fit the whole fetish correctly since she wasn’t dating him and it’s weird to let random acquaintances sulking around your apartment while you’re having sex with somebody. If that happened at my house, I’d think they were trying to steal shit, which would be even more confusing for me because I really don’t have much worth stealing other than some comic books and a Playstation3. Final question for Joanna was about how to teach teenagers about injustice in the world, and the easiest answer I could think to give this lady would be to start randomly punishing kids for absolutely nothing until they get it. Kids are assholes nowadays anyway, they probably deserve it even if they didn’t do it to me. Doesn’t matter what they did either, fuck teenagers. They have shitty role models and if I’m gonna be a shitty role model, I’d like to be the kind of shitty role model that doesn’t fit the whole Justin Bieber/Teen Mom/Facebook model of shitty influences, but more like the original “Bad News Bears” version, straight up 1960’s belt snapping, cigar smoking, don’t-talk-back-or-I’ll-fuck-your-shit-up-like-the-Raiders-lost-the-super-bowl-twice kind of bad role model. Or like Jason suggested, just start kicking them randomly. And threaten to kill them. Get that one little apple polishing shithead that nobody likes and put him in a wheelchair for absolutely no reason at all, just so they know that you mean it. Wring a chicken’s neck, pluck it, dress it, grill it and eat it, right there in the classroom, and don’t share any of it, AND DON’T SAY A GOD DAMN WORD THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME, and see how that works at shaping the minds of those kids. I probably would have paid a lot more attention in school if somebody like that was running my social studies class. Instead I just got really wasted and set the locker room on fire with ass gaskets soaked in E&J brandy, then bolted out of the gym to get to algebra class before I racked up another tardy that would warrant a call home from the principal. Good times, man, good times.

Some guy in Florida got arrested for arson after he set his apartment building on fire because the building manager got pissed at him for jacking it in the windows in plain view of all the rest of the tenants. What’s more important to note about this guy is that he once suffered a gunshot wound to the face which made his fucked up masturbating silhouette just that much more disturbing to look at, no matter what the circumstances of such a sight may be. Once again folks, let’s lance Florida off like a horribly infected cyst, I’m tired of hearing this kind of shit. From naked hobos eating people’s faces high on bath salts, to Jeb Bush not being assassinated, there’s just nothing worth saving in Florida. The EPCOT center might as well be a meth lab, if it isn’t already. And 2 Fast 2 Furious was probably the shittiest entry in the whole franchise. The guys took a few minutes to really examine the horrible disfigurement that this poor freaky fucked up subhuman C.H.U.D. suffers from, and now I just have to troll the internet for it cause it sounds like a great one to make a viral meme out of. Tully found another news story about how 1/4 of Americans believe that their religious figures personally intervene in professional sporting events, cause there couldn’t possibly be anything more important for the creator of the universe and all existence to be involved in. Kevin brought in a game specifically related to showcase all the many weird statistics about what people in America do and or believe. Like, how 76% of Americans believe in some sort of religion, which isn’t so surprising cause there are a lot of religions and a lot of different cultures in our whole big melting pot, or that 7% of all registered voters think that the moon landing was fake, whereas I just think it’s not that fucking important right now unless it’s directly benefiting us in solving all the real problems happening right here on earth, or how Jason has found a new person to harass about his diet, namely Cumtard, because he hasn’t been nearly as fit as he was at EllisMania 8 and now that he’s a full time employee again, he’s easy cannon fodder for these kinds of arguments to come back, since the other guy they used to fuck with about this stuff is gone. Oh, and Aubry from Onnit is coming back on Friday, so stay tuned for that cause there’s gonna be a new workout for you all to try. Back to statistics, 29% of people believe that aliens exist, and if they do I have to believe that they want us to get rid of Florida before they’re finally gonna show themselves to us. And if that doesn’t bother you, 4% of Americans believe that lizard people control the government from their underground societies. Sounds like some shit straight out of Florida if you ask me. And only 15% of people think that the media is using mind control in all TV broadcasts, cause some people are just way too big a fan of “They Live!” and need to get the fuck outside and understand that it’s not mind control, it’s all just a diversionary tactic. If you wanted another reason to stop your bloodline in it’s tracks, 14% of people believe in Sasquatch, just proving that liquor can be a social lubricant, but it can also turn bored people lacking real information into a pack of roving idiots really quickly. Justin Bieber broke into some guy’s swimming pool to get baptized and piss all over a potted plant or something like that, and the Wild Kids are about to start their own religion of spoiled shithead kids that live off of other people’s money and connections, which is pretty much the only thing he has left to do before joining the 27 club. But it sounds like it’s gonna be a great time, so if you wanna join, go on ahead and crash an exotic car into your neighbor’s yard and take a shit on the dance floor, Instagram it and turn out a nun, then when you’re done with that, NAKED STREET SKATE DEMO!!! Tully found some video of Justin Bieber that proves he IS one of the lizard people, but while that’s loading, who the fuck is stupid enough to think that Paul McCartney died in 1966? 5% of registered voters, that’s who. And 15% of people believe that the medical industry invents diseases to sell more pills, which has actually been sort of proven in the case of ADHD, by the first guy who started diagnosing kids with it and then just recently told the entire world that it doesn’t exist and he was getting paid by a pharmaceutical company to sell the medication, and he couldn’t be the only one doing it cause the medical system in the US is about as corrupt as the Disney Corporation or the NFL. Yeah, I fucking said it. The Bieber lizard man video basically is a camera glitch, and has been proven to be so by several people, cause if Bieber really is a lizard person, he sure as fuck ain’t representing them well enough for them to want to cosign his whack bitch ass. I know if I was lizard people, I’d have him ripped apart in public as a display of lizard people superiority and military might. Then I’d just have us all go back to the caves and keep quiet cause shit up here is kinda fucked and ain’t worth the time, at least not worth it until they get rid of Florida, then we’ll consider it. So, Cumtard can have his butthole bought for the low low price of five of his all time favorite crushes, so if you’ve got the cash to make it happen, let’s get a new buttfucking video on the front page of ellismania.com. As much as we all love Joanna, there’s other people getting fucked in the ass that are worth paying $10 bucks a month to see, and the downtime of Kevin getting pounded out and then immediately assaulting a well known Hollywood actress sounds like a pretty priceless piece of footage. The guys debated whether or not it would be worse to take a hot Pendarvis injection in the shit locker or get WILSON a flashy fanged out grille and let him bite your neck and drain a few pints off and put you in the hospital. Basically, it’s only gay if Will gets really aggressive with it, as long as he uses a slow hand on it, the apple slap is the much less offensive of the two scenarios. The guys took some phone calls about it, and basically the only thing preventing Cumtard from properly enjoying all his 2000 parts is Cumtard. Which makes him the most supreme of self loathing closet homosexuals ever, but that’s neither here nor there, cause it really is the whole wanting of vampire powers that reinforces the gay in this particular scenario.

Someone sent Tully a video of a Japanese band performing at a big Japanese metal show and quite simply because they’re Japanese, shit got really creepy when they brought out their seriously young female lead singers to drop pop-techno vocals over a respectable black metal hook. Tentacle porn, but without the tentacles or the multiple penetration, live on stage for the kids. Pretty much exactly what that sounded like. Jason was on KTLA with SSSAAAAAMMMMMMM today, just Samming about the new book and shit, and he wore a really respectable outfit on the show, almost like he was an author or something. The guys talked about how it is getting used to being on TV and shit, and if you remember Michael Bay from all those shitty movies he made, one day he was supposed to make an appearance on TV and choked like he had 8 inches of Pendarvis slapping against his tonsils. It happens to the best of us sometimes, back in the days when Jason constantly thought he was gonna have a heart attack, he would get freaked out about certain guests sometimes and have to get talked back down to reality. The guys talked fame and TV and making appearances and shit and how it really is a lot of work cause you’ve gotta go places and get shuffled round by handlers and shuck and jive in front of everybody so your sales go up in all those low-return markets that the company is pushing you to sell to, but as soon as you stop giving that much of a shit about the results and start to respect the process, that’s when it starts really working out for you. The guys took some phone calls on things and stuff, one guy called in to ask some fitness advice cause he’s keeping up with his diet but he still loves having a couple beers every day and that shit ain’t working. Tully seems to remember hearing once that there’s a maximum number of calories your body can absorb and after like 9,000 your body just shits it out like a party popper full of stinky brown confetti. Tully played the audio from Jason’s appearance on KTLA today just for the sake of doing so, and the MST3K of it was better than the original, if you ask me. And if you don’t know MST3K, I feel sorry for you and your inexcusably sheltered existence. There were more phone calls and stuff, like the one lady who told Tully that his calorie party popper theory was incorrect, which is a shame cause people should have the ability to set themselves up to become a scat geyser if they want to. Or the one guy who knew that public speaking actually is the second greatest fear among most people in the world. There was that one guy who called in and just breathed into the phone and didn’t respond when told to, cause there’s always gotta be that one guy. There were some more calls on things and stuff, as with most of my earlier comments about the public at large, these problems didn’t get worked out in the duration of the show, so maybe better luck next time. Sparkle Horse called in too, he’s doing good, being a gay motorcycle mechanic and all. Somebody suggested that Jason should marry Nick Swardson for a day just as a stunt, which would be funny if it weren’t such a legal disaster. This gave Jason the idea that every gay couple should be married by Rob Halford, which I fully support cause any chance to catch a cheap/free Judas Priest show is good for all of society. Much better for society than the rash of people who still don’t get the whole “don’t die” thing.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,