Lemme just start this by saying that my great Uncle Jack passed away peacefully in his New York home this past Saturday. He was a pretty great guy from what I remember, even though I’m not incredibly close with a lot of my extended relatives on that side of the family. I remember him being the witty type who always had the right thing to say. He requested there be no memorial services or published obituaries, so let me also start this recap by saying FUCK FLORIDA, and especially Hollywood, Florida, and especially the call center located at latitude 26.01 longitude -80.14 in Hollywood, Florida that has basically become my eternal nemesis. The people who work there have no souls, and if it were up to me we’d lop that state off of America like one of Cumtard’s scalp cysts, starting with that god damn call center and the arrogant con artist pieces of shit that work there. If you happen to be nearby the map coordinates I have given you, you are fully invited to enter this building and crush someone’s skull with a brick. Call ahead first, their number is 954-925-0868. Let them know their end is incredibly fucking nigh. Hell, post it to Instagram and I’ll do a special run of #TeamShitToboggan gear just for you with a bunch of new designs. I’m talking back patch, fitted hat, hoodie, t-shirt, socks, scarf, underwear, loafers, all the shit. You’ll have all your friends wondering what the fuck is wrong with you and you’ll definitely convert a few pro-life people when they see the ridiculous outfit I’m gonna send you. That said, it’s almost lunchtime and that means I can channel my rage into the keyboard with the soothing semi-Australian sounds of a man called Jason Ellis. Today’s show began with Ellis talking about porn that had plastic sheeting all over the walls, almost like they expected stuff to start spraying everywhere. Like it was gonna turn from porn to snuff, and seeing as our old friend Asphyxia was in it, it very well could have been a murder scene, or something close to it. Ellis has finally seen both Asphyxia and Skin’s adult movies, and is now no longer interested in banging them. Still respects the game, just not trying to play. Tully likes porn as much as the next guy, but understands that there’s a pretty big disconnect between porn and the sex that most people are actually gonna have with each other. He went into a pretty intelligent diatribe about it based on an interview he saw with some porn star, and it seemed like he really had some good points although I don’t put enough thought into it to worry about all the smarts of watching people fuck as an imagination booster for my own self gratification. Tully had his house cleaner come over the day after he shaved his pubes and tried his best to get as many as he could so as not to inflict that kind of insult on anyone else, but if he doesn’t know your name, you can clean up his pubes and say thank you, god dammit. Rude Jude stopped by for a bit to talk with the guys. Ellis took a really weird colored poo the other day and had to ask Jude about it cause he’s put enough weird things in his system that he’d probably know a thing or two about strange colored feces. Apparently, this shit yin-yang was a perfect double helix of normal brown and bloody red, which would throw anybody off for sure. Turns out it’s just the after effects of a beet salad (but Katie’s reaction to it was pretty classic judging by the video Jason played). Jude used to work at a vegetarian restaurant and would pound beet juice so much that his shits used to come out purple all the time. This got into some debate about which is worse, animal piss all over your couch or cleaning up jizz with a sock. After hearing both of those conditions, Tully immediately regretted the idea of getting a puppy someday and also having a child, because they’re both pretty much disgusting underdeveloped creatures. Shout out to Arizona too, they have roving mobs of chihuahuas and they just recently signed a bill to make refusing to do business with gay people totally legit. Shout out, Arizona, Shout the fuck out. But hey, I understand, you don’t want anybody with a pallet tainted by the taste of semen to drink your coffee and misinterpret the wonderful robust flavor, and let that misinterpretation of tastes drive their sticky gay fingers towards a computer where they can write a shitty Yelp review on the quality of their product. Really, Arizona, I get it. Makes absolutely perfect sense, Arizona. Like peanut butter and saltines, or methamphetamines and goose liver patte. Also, shout out to Arizona not celebrating Martin Luther King Jr. day, even though it’s my firm belief that if MLK came back today, he’d wanna slap the shit out of a whole lot of people that his “dream” gave a lot of opportunities to that they promptly shat all over for four decades. Just sayin. Be good to everybody, is it that god damn difficult? It’s not like gays or blacks are the same kinds of people that work at a call center in Hollywood, Florida. We can discriminate against telemarketers in public, that’s perfectly acceptable. They should wear little tags or have it tattooed across their nose or something. Watch how many people would get stomped to death in the street if we marked their occupation in some way or another, but only for the jobs that contribute absolutely nothing to society. Mechanics and civil engineers and truck drivers and stuff like that wouldn’t have to wear anything special, but telemarketers and insurance agents and sign twirlers, you fuckers have nothing for anyone except harvestable organs. Sweet tasty organs that the intelligent among us can use to amplify our powers against the incredibly high percentage of people who are essentially floaters in the gene pool of our species. But I digress, Ellis and Jude argued whether or not it’s OK to buy a cake with a giant Swastika on it, or a cake with a huge dick inside of a baby. Regardless of who’s right or wrong, there’s probably not a whole lot of cake shops anywhere in the country that’ll fill that order and include a business card so you know who to call next time. A few callers chimed in to reinforce my comment about the floaters and all the delicious organs that I could use to stave off the consequences of all my bad habits. This is all pretty far removed from the original conversation that Jude came in for, which was porn. And selling Jason’s new book #TheAwesomeGuideToLife. People have been putting up photos of dogs and liquor bottles and guns and shit like that next to the book and Ellis has been trying to only repost the pics that people don’t bitch and complain at him about, cause y’know, he’s totally responsible for what everyone else does. Ellis has been trying to make it to see his therapist lately but it’s been tough what with the radio show and book promo stuff and Dr. Drew calling him in to Loveline and all the shit like that that goes into his normal job. Jude had to step out to get some infant rape Nazi cake and go do the All Out Show, while Ellis and Tully got back to planning out how to make the world’s largest cock shaped cake getting balls deep in an ass cake. Before he left though, Jude had to drop a little knowledge about a rapper named Homo Thug, who raps about knockin’ fools out then butt fucking their souls. Go support the #Judement everybody, buy Hyena and maybe pick up #TheAwesomeGuideToLife while you’re at it. They’re both on Amazon and it’s not like you were gonna leave your house to go book shopping anyway.
There’s a law that just got passed in Malawi that makes it illegal to “foul the air.” But in case you weren’t sure what that means, it has nothing to do with pollution or carbon emissions or anything like that, the purpose of this law is to put a stop to people farting. Yes, farting. The third world is trying to outlaw farting. Industrialized nations are too lax in the control of their citizens because they allow farting. That is what the country of Malawi is saying. Farting. I did it twice just writing that paragraph and absolutely nothing changed. Shout out, Malawi. Shout the mother fuck out.You should hang out with Arizona, I think you would get along great. Jason got his shipment from the Red Dragons crew of that huge fucking RDS/Wolfknives collabo poster and it does look pretty sweet, just check Jetta’s instagram, it’s on there. But this was just a tester, so Ellis is gonna give it away and tell David Boyce to make him a bigger one that’ll cover a whole god damn wall in that studio. That gave him ideas for some other decorations to add to the new digs, like a stripper pole to make Cumtard abuse everyone’s eyes with while he dances like a good little trick. Or by holding some sort of stripper pole-dance-off type competition and making a bunch of strippers look like shit when the 7th greatest skateboarder in the world does a 540 half-cab off it, minus the skateboard. It might work pretty well in the off season though, off season meaning any time between steak and blowjob day and next Valentine’s. This prompted Tully to play a song by Patrick Swayze from Dirty Dancing and we all got really oblivious to the fact that Baby was maybe 15 and Patrick Swayze was well into his 30’s in the timeline of the Dirty Dancing movie. Some guy called in to tell the guys that he was laughing so hard listening to a replay from last week that his eyes got really bloodshot and his bosses decided to give him a random drug test. But that’s not important, cause Cumtard’s gonna play a game called “What’s in my Mouth?” and that seems like a great way to abuse the shit out of him and Hardcore the intern, as we’re wont to do from time to time. Part of the setup of this is for the guys to chew on a miracle berry so they can’t really make distinct guesses about what’s in their mouth cause everything tastes kind of sweet, and the guys have their noses plugged. First mystery substance, Cumtard’s guess was spicy vomit but it was actually spicy mustard. Close though, got the spicy part. Next up, Hardcore took something else really spicy down his throat and his first guess was chili powder, but then he changed it to salt and he was victorious. After that, Cumtard got a mouthful of something that had sticks in it that almost gives you an instant sore throat, and he thought it might be soggy bread soaked in milk, but it turns out it was wet cat food. Next, Hardcore got his face stuffed full of something that tasted like turkey, but it was actually a chocolate chip cookie. After that, Cumtard had a spoonful of something that was burning hot and had the consistency of an orange, and was just so close and yet so far cause it was actually a lemon. Hardcore was next up and got a dose of some stuff that stuck to his lips and tasted like coffee grounds, but in reality it was instant coffee, just proving that Hardcore is the way to be cause he’s a fucking champ. Next round is all liquids, and first one to sip was Cumtard who got a taste of something really spicy that seemed to him like it might have been Tobasco sauce, and he was almost right because it was actually vinegar, which is one of the ingredients in Tobasco, which I thoroughly enjoy on lots of different foods. Hardcore took a drink of some mystery fluid that tasted like some kind of soda but specifically it was Virgil’s Root Beer, which is Hardcore’s favoritest drink in all the land. Cumtard took his last does of liquid hatred, which to him tasted like his coworkers are a bunch of assholes, but it was really ONIONS!!! Which we all know are Cumtard’s enemy much the same way that call center in Hollywood, Florida is my enemy and they will be destroyed by my hand at a date when it is convenient for me to do so. Hardcore drank his final challenge which tasted to him like butter and that’s probably because it was butter. Hardcore won, Cumtard took his role as the show’s whipping post in stride, and the townspeople rejoiced.
If you haven’t noticed, pro sports players have been getting arrested for violent crimes lately, and it seems that most of the team sports are slipping to the wayside in the eye of the public, as Jason noticed when he went to a hat store and saw a shitload of skateboard and moto stuff taking up almost as much space as all the basketball and football stuff. Wouldn’t surprise me if the kids start letting their dollars do the talking in that general direction in years to come. Tully brought up a news story about how Raymond Felton from the New York Knicks got arrested for posession of a firearm and it seems that he might have waved it in his ex wife’s face, once again proving that idiots and weapons don’t mix. There was also video of a player from the Baltimore Ravens dragging his unconscious fiance out of an elevator in a fashion that looks like he’s trying to dispose of some evidence. They’ve both had charges filed against them somehow, cause it looks like it might have been a two way street that got one of them knocked the fuck out. Also, the NFL is gonna start putting a 15 yard penalty on players who use the N-word on the field. Priorities folks, let’s make sure nobody gets their feelings hurt, but ignore domestic violence. Shout the fuck out, NFL. Shout it like you bout it bout it, N to the muthafuckin’ FL, beeyahyitch. Kevin Garnett once told Carmelo Anthony that his wife’s pussy tasted like fruit loops, which is a pretty fuckin’ savage thing to say and would definitely shake most people I know. Somebody called in to chime in on the story about the elevator fight and apparently the guy involved was the spokesman for an anti bullying campaign, so there’s that argument. This got the guys to discussing what it would be like to be in a marital spat with Ronda Rousey and whether it would be Kosher to stab her with a broke off whiskey bottle to keep her from choking you out or snapping your shoulder into pebbles with an armbar. Ellis talked for a while about some press appearance he did where a black Jedi who looked like Method Man came over to hang with him. Something like that, I didn’t quite catch the whole thing, but he was very mysterious and might make you believe in a mystical force that can make a person move objects by thought or shoot lightning from their fingers. But really, fuck all that, cause Cumtard’s back with his signature segment TARD THAT TUNE!!! But first, let’s discuss having Kevin shove an onion up his ass and whether or not WILSON is hard up enough for cash to try and one up him with a butternut squash or something. Jetta could be a contender though, he drives a Jetta, and those people are a special type of fucked in the head, so he’d probably power through a six inch tear in his lower intestine to try and get a whole Alhambra water cooler jug up his ass. But whatever, Tard that Tune, I can’t put into words how awesome this segment sounds, because it really is that good, but I can tell you the songs he did were:
Crazytown – Butterfly (shout out to Shifty Shuttlecock, shout like my bathtub needs a fresh coat of grout)
Taylor Dayne – Tell it to my Heart
Devo – Whip It (RIP to the guitarist who passed away last week, may your energy dome be admissible as a halo in heaven)
The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army
CKY – 96 Quite Bitter Beings
Outkast – Hey Ya
Ah Ha – Take On Me
Some guy who tweeted the show to let the guys know that Tard That Tune would be the soundtrack to his suicide
Blur – Song 2
Rod Stewart – If Ya Think I’m Sexy
Charlie Daniels Band – Devil Went Down to Georgia
Rob Base – It Takes Two
Whodini – The Freaks Come Out At Night
And that was all of them. You can listen to them all on the Jason Ellis Show soundcloud page whenever Cumtard gets around to posting them up there. Until then, all the previous ones are there and they’re just as awesome. The guys talked for a while about how it would be nice to do a remote show in Mexico and smoke shitty weed on the air and pound bottle after bottle of non-alcoholic pina colada mix. Tully remembers back in the day when he would buy weed in Staten Island and it’s entirely possible he bought from the supply that The Rza was distributing. After all the tarding, the guys decided a break was in order and took one. Cause they can do that. You son of a bitch.
HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Piers Morgan is getting cancelled next month, and if I had any faith in the American news media, I might just give a shit. The guys discussed his possible replacement and some of the names thrown out were Carson Daly, Madonna, Seacrest, hell you could put a sock puppet with no hand in it on the screen and I’d probably trust it more than just about any other reporter these days. A lot of websites are reporting that the lead singer of Five Finger Death Punch was arrested in Australia on an airplane and charged with being a drunk fuck and trying to move from coach to first class cause don’t you know who the fuck he thinks he is and then he threw a swing at a flight attendant and somebody told him how bad his band sucks and that made him cry and cry and cry so the cops really didn’t have to work too hard to haul his ass to an outback goulag where he’s gonna have to fight a colossal swarm of wallabies for his daily bread. Some paparazzi were harassing Sam Worthington and his girlfriend and started taking swings at the two of them and Sam put a Five Finger Death punch across one of their fucking faces cause Australians fuckin’ roll like that and paparazzos can smoke a fat dick. He did get arrested though, but they let him out on bail cause punching a genetic floater really shouldn’t be a crime and I think the Australian police know it, they just gotta keep appearances up. While we’re on the topic of paparazzi, People magazine, along with ET and someone else who I didn’t quite catch, are all gonna boycott celebrity kid photos from supreme scumbag ex-cons who can’t get employed in any other field and really just need to go ahead and donate their organs ahead of that whole dying first rule that most people stick to. The guys took some phone calls and apparently Barnes & Noble, along with Onnit, have a contest going to win a copy of #TheAwesomeGuideToLife and some other stuff, so go check that out and see about getting yourself cool free shit, cause really there’s nothing greater in life than cool free shit. ully and Jason got back to an old project they started a while ago, which is cleaning up the button bar and up first were some music beds that they’ve probably never played, at least not that I can remember, and they got rid of a bunch of those but kept a few that might be good for some new Hatebean material, and even did some test runs of all his new songs, like “Small Tits with Inappropriate Nipples” then they got to some of the classics, like “Bentley” sung to the tune of “Mother” by Danzig, one which I didn’t realize was quite as long as it was. Apparently there was also like fifteen more songs from the Jingleberries about Bentley’s piss smelling like Monster Energy and even though the horse was whipped far beyond it’s demise, it is worth noting that the Jingleberries put way too much work into it that the rest of us probably don’t remember and it was all pretty fucking awesome. There were intro songs for Cullen, Slash, Dingo, Rude Jude, Chad Reed, Maria Brink from In This Moment, Donald Schultz, and a few others. Then there were some sound drops of WILSON being WILSON and I’d happily take those off Jason’s hand to make all of the best ringtones ever. There some sound drops of Jason professing his love for cock that haven’t been played in a while but could certainly come back into regular rotation. It was a great trip down memory lane hearing all the quotes that got me and so many others hooked on the show so long ago. And for those who weren’t around for it, there was once a fan who recorded and posted a bunch of these things for a long time and he gave all of it to us at No You Are, you can look under Cobratits Archive and check all of it out. There were some more old Jingleberries songs that as far as I know never got used for anything but were still a great representation of their talents. Shout out to Cullen and Cechnicki, if y’all aren’t getting some sort of reward for this, you should still keep doing it cause it will all be timeless. Then there some movie sound bites, some porno clips that sounded like senior citizens from the 1980’s, quotes from some guests, isolated vocals from some great moments in rock and roll history, a bunch of other random shit, some Tully quotes, sound effects, Pendarvis quotes, farts, and that was all there was to deal with today, the rest of it can wait. Final calls started rolling in, and like a slew of floating turds and OSHA poster salespeople from Hollywood, Florida, I got up and took a piss then played with the meme generator on my phone to make the photo I tweeted with the link to this recap. If you’ve got any complaints, you can keep them to your god damn self unless you’re gonna go donate a lung and a kidney tomorrow afternoon, gimme a call after the procedure and you can try to sell me top placement on Google all you fucking want.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,