GOOD AFTERNOON YOU FUCKING WANKERS!!! I shouldn’t say that, some of you are the cunts that the wankers are fucking. Circle of life, my friends, circle of fucking life. Like when you miss a rent payment and the landlord comes for your kneecaps. But I digress, cause there’s way more important things happening today, like the Jason Ellis Show!!! Today’s festivities started with some talk about how even the mediocre shit you do is still pretty important in the grand scheme of things, like getting clocked falling over on a vert ramp motivating the next Ryan Sheckler, or some such shit. Just keep moving, y’know? It keeps other people from getting their foot in the door to fuck up your shit. It keeps you from growing to hate everything too. Things like gay rights, and French people (which are almost one and the same really, except that no one likes the French). Katie showed Jason a picture of some people protesting some gay event and he tweeted off a response that was probably very intelligent and hilarious, I couldn’t verify that cause I don’t go stalking people’s timelines, but it could be true. Ellis got a bunch of responses from people who were just “standing up for what they believe” cause that’s never been a bad thing *cough cough* World War 2 and the Cold War and Vietnam and both visits to Iraq and pretty much every guerilla faction in Africa or south America *cough cough*. Long story short folks, gays have been around longer than the bible and they haven’t been proven wrong as often as that book has, so maybe it’s time to get the fuck over yourself and try some of that unconditional love that your magic pal Jesus was always talking about, y’know, the actual teachings of your personal spiritual master. Just a thought, whatever. Of course, we can never have a bridge marrying a taco, cause neither one is a taxpayer or has the opposable digits required to sign a marriage certificate. At the very least, be like Wilson and write a letter to Chick-Fil-A to let them know that they’re fucking up the curve for the rest of humanity, like a lot of southern American organizations are. Maybe I’m just being biased cause I’m planning to move to Canada, but I think it would be Hilarious if the Amish went stir crazy and started the zombie apocalypse through some dark magic. It would put a smile on my face. A really big one. The guys took some phone calls, one guy called in to give perspective that it matters to give consideration to both sides of the argument, but couldn’t give too much more information other than a bunch of over recycled propaganda, so kind of pointless. Then he rattled off a bunch of bullshit about his own life and shit and that continued to reinforce the fact that his opinion didn’t really hold too much water. Then Rude Jude came in to posterize this guys point of view that it’s better to let orphans stay in institutions than it is to let them get adopted by loving parents who just happen to be the same sex as each other. I high fived the radio for Jude making this point, cause that really is my big case for the whole thing. It’s not gonna end civilization, and it’ll save the government a fuckload of money that it shouldn’t have to spend for people’s unwanted kids that can’t be adopted due to backwards archaic opinions that ignore all of human progress in the last couple hundred years. The next caller they took never had a problem with gay people until he met this one really sassy queen back in high school, and while I’ve met a few of those myself, it’s not enough to spoil the bunch for me. Annoying people are annoying no matter what they like to stuff in their orifices, they’re just human, and humans are notorious for needing to be told to shut the fuck up once in a while. The next caller made his case that some gay support groups could do well to not be so hateful towards people that honestly don’t understand the movement and just stay out of the argument. There were some more points and counter points to it all, and then Ellis suggested that we should all get married under the authority of Zeus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster and just move the fuck on from it all. All sorts of intelligent talk about the whole subject, which basically boils down to don’t be a dick and stay the fuck out of other people’s business if they tell you that where you hang out on Sunday is full of kooks. Besides, we all know gay sex from 2000 years ago was way more manly than it is today, cause we’re evolved and refined and this ain’t the fucking time in human history where we’re bashing people with rocks for a burning stick to keep our family warm for the night anymore. Rant over, if you have a different opinion you’re welcome to tell somebody who gives a shit, cause you had to click the link to read this and I don’t have to respond to a god damn thing if I don’t feel like it. Jude remembers working as a bathroom attendant at a gay bar and how the sassy queens were fucking annoying as fuck, and it had nothing to do with them being gay, just the fact that they complained too god damn much and don’t know how to tip or say excuse me, proof once more that it’s not the color of your skin, or who you love, but it’s how you treat people who work in customer service that determines the quality of your character. Just whatever you plan on doing with your fun parts, don’t do it in front of people’s kids, cause it’s just rude, and it might bug the guy that’s making your fucking latte, which brings me back to the whole point about how you treat people who work in customer service. And freedom. And being able to call out the Bald Eagle for being the animal kingdom’s greatest panhandlers. #Murrica but not really, cause like I said, I’m moving to Canada. #Cannder #IfThatsEvenTheRightWayToTranslateThatOne #FuckItLetsGoGetSomePoutine #AndYouCanBuyRDSgearInStoresYouDontEvenHaveToHitUpTheWebsite
In honor of one of the greater bits of co-hosts past, the guys brought back “Doing Stuff With…” this time featuring our old friend Joanna Angel. There was some banter between Joanna and the rest of the gang for a little bit, then they got right up in it, like a well lubed rubber fist, to see if Joanna could help some callers with their emergencies and incompetence. But first, you know how the Russians are being total assholes about the Olympics? Well, there’s signs up in all the bathrooms that are informing people not to piss standing up, cause in Soviet Russia, toilet piss on you!!! And also because the public is a pack of morons, but also there was a sign hanging up that informs people that they are also not allowed to puke in the toilets, upper deck the Olympic commodes, no fishing, and no heroin, cause all those things are apparently happening far too often for the Russian Olympics, and they’re not having anymore doped up fish clogging the plumbing this time. But now, it’s time to find out if Joanna can de-tard some people who need to know how to do stuff! First up, the basics, how to change a tire, sans a Triple A membership, and according to Joanna there’s a thing in the car that you use to unlock the tire and after you get it off there’s a thing with a spring on it that holds the spare tire, and then you put the spare on and then you have to take your old tire to get fixed as soon as you can. Pretty close, so I’ll let it ride. First caller asked how to put a boat in the water, and according to Ms. Angel, first you gotta put the engine on, and then get a couple friends to push it at the sides and rock it back and forth until it slides off the trailer and goes into the water. But of course you have to get it close to the water first, so when you go to the boat store, make sure you get a boat that comes with a trailer and a car that can actually pull a trailer with a boat on it. This one time, Joanna’s car sprouted a trailer just by pushing a button that she didn’t know the reason for. Not quite a trailer actually, just the motorized trailer hitch that hides itself in the bumper to look all sleek and clean when you’re not using it. Next caller asked if Joanna knew how to connect a semi truck to a trailer, which is way more difficult than that fancy push button trailer hitch on Joanna’s car, but it’s pretty much the same system, so just push the button and Robert is your mother’s brother, mother fucker. It’s almost exactly like the Transformers movie, but Shia LeBouf is not required to participate, making it a much less insulting experience. Next guy who called in tried to make a joke about getting Joanna to swallow, but then cut the cord on that to ask his real question which was how do you make bread? Joanna seems to think a lot of things work by way of button, but if you’re going old school, you’re gonna need yeast, flour, water and eggs, then you mix that shit up and put it in an oven and when it looks like bread you cut it up and make yourself a sandwich, or make your significant other a sandwich, hopefully after they’ve done something sexually gratifying for you and you feel like returning the favor with your freshly home made bread, topped with whatever delicious fillings you have available, BECAUSE THAT IS THE ESSENCE OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, MOTHER FUCKERS!!! After that, there was a caller that wanted to know how to drive a stick shift, from a lady who would certainly know how to bang some gears YAKNOWWHATIMSAYINBROHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHA but seriously, Joanna has never driven a manual transmission car before, so her explanation was quite amusing to those of us who know how to double-clutch or sidestep the little guy on the left for the purpose of making sharp turns with some fucking style. The caller after that asked for the best way to check the oil in his car, which is really simple if you just open the hood, then open a thing that looks like a gear and there’s a long metal thing that you pull out and if it has oil on it then you’re good, but if it’s dirty you should change it, but only if the Jiffy-Lube guy tells you his opinion of it first, cause they know their shit when it comes to people who shouldn’t be working on cars. The guys took to twitter for some questions, first one being how to clean a fish. Joanna’s answer was to dunk it in some water with ice and (GASP) salt if you’re feeling really adventurous, just make sure you leave it in for about fifteen minutes and debone that fucker before you eat it. Next we heard from a lady who needed to know how to get a small car out of a ditch if you’re in the snow. First, you’re gonna need to start keeping a shovel in your car, make sure the car is running too so it can radiate some heat and melt some of the snow off and make your job a little easier, then you gotta ease it back and forth, in and out, up and down, just like anal, until you’re back on the highway kickin’ ass like the Canadians do every summer. Next caller needed to know how to parallel park and Joanna knows that all you have to do is look at the screen in your dashboard and listen for it to beep at you, come on folks, she’s not an idiot, make this shit difficult god dammit. Then there was a lady who called in and complimented Joanna’s laugh and asked if she knew how to pitch a tent AN ACTUAL TENT NOT JUST GIVING A GUY A BONER, so she got to explaining that you’ve gotta lay the tent out flat and unfold all the poles and then start sliding them into the flaps and holes and start pushing them through deeper and deeper until you have temporary outdoor shelter. After that was a call about how to stitch up your leg after you amputate it jumping off the dock onto your boat that you and your friends just hucked into the water like a dead body into a tire fire, and if you can’t get to a hospital quick enough, first you gotta tie a couple t-shirts on it to slow the blood loss as much as you can, then get to a hospital as quick as you can, but if that’s not an option you gotta start a campfire and cauterize that fucker quick. NEXT QUESTION how to start a campfire without a lighter, to which the obvious answer is rub your buddies dicks together and mooch off the body heat. Next one down the line, how do you get a raccoon out of your attic? Well, if you can’t call animal control, first you gotta seduce it, but make sure you keep it at a distance, then get one of your friends to come over and crush it’s skull with a lobster mallet, or leave some poison or some scotch out for it mixed with cat food and make sure your hands are wrapped in t-shirts when you haul it out to your neighbor’s recycling bin. The next guy called in to ask how to patch a hole in a barbed wire fence, which basically just requires you to get of your ass and hang some more barbed wire you lazy fuck. After that a guy called to ask how to keep your wife from cutting off your favorite components after you forget to clear your browsing history and she finds the craigslist ad you answered where you’re gonna go let some other guy watch you fuck his wife, and the long and short answer is to not be a fucking moron about it and either cover your tracks or divorce the one before you fuck the other, cause that’s pretty much where it’s headed anyway. Some guy Joanna used to know would always ask to come over and watch her fuck other people so he could sit in the corner and feel bad about it, but she never really let it go down like that cause it kinda wouldn’t fit the whole fetish correctly since she wasn’t dating him and it’s weird to let random acquaintances sulking around your apartment while you’re having sex with somebody. If that happened at my house, I’d think they were trying to steal shit, which would be even more confusing for me because I really don’t have much worth stealing other than some comic books and a Playstation3. Final question for Joanna was about how to teach teenagers about injustice in the world, and the easiest answer I could think to give this lady would be to start randomly punishing kids for absolutely nothing until they get it. Kids are assholes nowadays anyway, they probably deserve it even if they didn’t do it to me. Doesn’t matter what they did either, fuck teenagers. They have shitty role models and if I’m gonna be a shitty role model, I’d like to be the kind of shitty role model that doesn’t fit the whole Justin Bieber/Teen Mom/Facebook model of shitty influences, but more like the original “Bad News Bears” version, straight up 1960’s belt snapping, cigar smoking, don’t-talk-back-or-I’ll-fuck-your-shit-up-like-the-Raiders-lost-the-super-bowl-twice kind of bad role model. Or like Jason suggested, just start kicking them randomly. And threaten to kill them. Get that one little apple polishing shithead that nobody likes and put him in a wheelchair for absolutely no reason at all, just so they know that you mean it. Wring a chicken’s neck, pluck it, dress it, grill it and eat it, right there in the classroom, and don’t share any of it, AND DON’T SAY A GOD DAMN WORD THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME, and see how that works at shaping the minds of those kids. I probably would have paid a lot more attention in school if somebody like that was running my social studies class. Instead I just got really wasted and set the locker room on fire with ass gaskets soaked in E&J brandy, then bolted out of the gym to get to algebra class before I racked up another tardy that would warrant a call home from the principal. Good times, man, good times.
Some guy in Florida got arrested for arson after he set his apartment building on fire because the building manager got pissed at him for jacking it in the windows in plain view of all the rest of the tenants. What’s more important to note about this guy is that he once suffered a gunshot wound to the face which made his fucked up masturbating silhouette just that much more disturbing to look at, no matter what the circumstances of such a sight may be. Once again folks, let’s lance Florida off like a horribly infected cyst, I’m tired of hearing this kind of shit. From naked hobos eating people’s faces high on bath salts, to Jeb Bush not being assassinated, there’s just nothing worth saving in Florida. The EPCOT center might as well be a meth lab, if it isn’t already. And 2 Fast 2 Furious was probably the shittiest entry in the whole franchise. The guys took a few minutes to really examine the horrible disfigurement that this poor freaky fucked up subhuman C.H.U.D. suffers from, and now I just have to troll the internet for it cause it sounds like a great one to make a viral meme out of. Tully found another news story about how 1/4 of Americans believe that their religious figures personally intervene in professional sporting events, cause there couldn’t possibly be anything more important for the creator of the universe and all existence to be involved in. Kevin brought in a game specifically related to showcase all the many weird statistics about what people in America do and or believe. Like, how 76% of Americans believe in some sort of religion, which isn’t so surprising cause there are a lot of religions and a lot of different cultures in our whole big melting pot, or that 7% of all registered voters think that the moon landing was fake, whereas I just think it’s not that fucking important right now unless it’s directly benefiting us in solving all the real problems happening right here on earth, or how Jason has found a new person to harass about his diet, namely Cumtard, because he hasn’t been nearly as fit as he was at EllisMania 8 and now that he’s a full time employee again, he’s easy cannon fodder for these kinds of arguments to come back, since the other guy they used to fuck with about this stuff is gone. Oh, and Aubry from Onnit is coming back on Friday, so stay tuned for that cause there’s gonna be a new workout for you all to try. Back to statistics, 29% of people believe that aliens exist, and if they do I have to believe that they want us to get rid of Florida before they’re finally gonna show themselves to us. And if that doesn’t bother you, 4% of Americans believe that lizard people control the government from their underground societies. Sounds like some shit straight out of Florida if you ask me. And only 15% of people think that the media is using mind control in all TV broadcasts, cause some people are just way too big a fan of “They Live!” and need to get the fuck outside and understand that it’s not mind control, it’s all just a diversionary tactic. If you wanted another reason to stop your bloodline in it’s tracks, 14% of people believe in Sasquatch, just proving that liquor can be a social lubricant, but it can also turn bored people lacking real information into a pack of roving idiots really quickly. Justin Bieber broke into some guy’s swimming pool to get baptized and piss all over a potted plant or something like that, and the Wild Kids are about to start their own religion of spoiled shithead kids that live off of other people’s money and connections, which is pretty much the only thing he has left to do before joining the 27 club. But it sounds like it’s gonna be a great time, so if you wanna join, go on ahead and crash an exotic car into your neighbor’s yard and take a shit on the dance floor, Instagram it and turn out a nun, then when you’re done with that, NAKED STREET SKATE DEMO!!! Tully found some video of Justin Bieber that proves he IS one of the lizard people, but while that’s loading, who the fuck is stupid enough to think that Paul McCartney died in 1966? 5% of registered voters, that’s who. And 15% of people believe that the medical industry invents diseases to sell more pills, which has actually been sort of proven in the case of ADHD, by the first guy who started diagnosing kids with it and then just recently told the entire world that it doesn’t exist and he was getting paid by a pharmaceutical company to sell the medication, and he couldn’t be the only one doing it cause the medical system in the US is about as corrupt as the Disney Corporation or the NFL. Yeah, I fucking said it. The Bieber lizard man video basically is a camera glitch, and has been proven to be so by several people, cause if Bieber really is a lizard person, he sure as fuck ain’t representing them well enough for them to want to cosign his whack bitch ass. I know if I was lizard people, I’d have him ripped apart in public as a display of lizard people superiority and military might. Then I’d just have us all go back to the caves and keep quiet cause shit up here is kinda fucked and ain’t worth the time, at least not worth it until they get rid of Florida, then we’ll consider it. So, Cumtard can have his butthole bought for the low low price of five of his all time favorite crushes, so if you’ve got the cash to make it happen, let’s get a new buttfucking video on the front page of ellismania.com. As much as we all love Joanna, there’s other people getting fucked in the ass that are worth paying $10 bucks a month to see, and the downtime of Kevin getting pounded out and then immediately assaulting a well known Hollywood actress sounds like a pretty priceless piece of footage. The guys debated whether or not it would be worse to take a hot Pendarvis injection in the shit locker or get WILSON a flashy fanged out grille and let him bite your neck and drain a few pints off and put you in the hospital. Basically, it’s only gay if Will gets really aggressive with it, as long as he uses a slow hand on it, the apple slap is the much less offensive of the two scenarios. The guys took some phone calls about it, and basically the only thing preventing Cumtard from properly enjoying all his 2000 parts is Cumtard. Which makes him the most supreme of self loathing closet homosexuals ever, but that’s neither here nor there, cause it really is the whole wanting of vampire powers that reinforces the gay in this particular scenario.
Someone sent Tully a video of a Japanese band performing at a big Japanese metal show and quite simply because they’re Japanese, shit got really creepy when they brought out their seriously young female lead singers to drop pop-techno vocals over a respectable black metal hook. Tentacle porn, but without the tentacles or the multiple penetration, live on stage for the kids. Pretty much exactly what that sounded like. Jason was on KTLA with SSSAAAAAMMMMMMM today, just Samming about the new book and shit, and he wore a really respectable outfit on the show, almost like he was an author or something. The guys talked about how it is getting used to being on TV and shit, and if you remember Michael Bay from all those shitty movies he made, one day he was supposed to make an appearance on TV and choked like he had 8 inches of Pendarvis slapping against his tonsils. It happens to the best of us sometimes, back in the days when Jason constantly thought he was gonna have a heart attack, he would get freaked out about certain guests sometimes and have to get talked back down to reality. The guys talked fame and TV and making appearances and shit and how it really is a lot of work cause you’ve gotta go places and get shuffled round by handlers and shuck and jive in front of everybody so your sales go up in all those low-return markets that the company is pushing you to sell to, but as soon as you stop giving that much of a shit about the results and start to respect the process, that’s when it starts really working out for you. The guys took some phone calls on things and stuff, one guy called in to ask some fitness advice cause he’s keeping up with his diet but he still loves having a couple beers every day and that shit ain’t working. Tully seems to remember hearing once that there’s a maximum number of calories your body can absorb and after like 9,000 your body just shits it out like a party popper full of stinky brown confetti. Tully played the audio from Jason’s appearance on KTLA today just for the sake of doing so, and the MST3K of it was better than the original, if you ask me. And if you don’t know MST3K, I feel sorry for you and your inexcusably sheltered existence. There were more phone calls and stuff, like the one lady who told Tully that his calorie party popper theory was incorrect, which is a shame cause people should have the ability to set themselves up to become a scat geyser if they want to. Or the one guy who knew that public speaking actually is the second greatest fear among most people in the world. There was that one guy who called in and just breathed into the phone and didn’t respond when told to, cause there’s always gotta be that one guy. There were some more calls on things and stuff, as with most of my earlier comments about the public at large, these problems didn’t get worked out in the duration of the show, so maybe better luck next time. Sparkle Horse called in too, he’s doing good, being a gay motorcycle mechanic and all. Somebody suggested that Jason should marry Nick Swardson for a day just as a stunt, which would be funny if it weren’t such a legal disaster. This gave Jason the idea that every gay couple should be married by Rob Halford, which I fully support cause any chance to catch a cheap/free Judas Priest show is good for all of society. Much better for society than the rash of people who still don’t get the whole “don’t die” thing.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,