PRICE SHOP ME INTO OBLIVION MOTHER FUCKERS!!! I’m having one of those exceptional days where everybody would like me to handle all of their life problems by way of unconscionably cheap auto repair that meets all the standards of the misinformation they’ve grown so accustomed to. THANK YOU INTERNET!!! You make everyone believe that I shouldn’t be able to charge anyone more than $20 and can fix anything in ten minutes with a magical machine I can wave at their vehicle through the phone that also makes a litter of adorable baby foxes frolic in their living room for the whole family to enjoy! While I sit back and pray for the end of humanity, how’s about some awesome background noise by way of the Jason Ellis Show?!?!??!??! HOW’S THAT SOUND?!??!?! I’LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT ABSOLUTELY FREE, IS THAT OK WITH YOU??!?!?!??! Today’s show started with a lot of talk about love and happiness, which I am currently immune to because of my seething hatred of anyone with a phone and a car and the phone number for my work, but Ellis is feeling it and that’s good. Sometimes you’ve gotta trick yourself into it, but you can go too far with that too, so be careful, just make sure you know how to be grateful for shit. Tully is back from his sick day and is feeling a lot better, so if you’re not a member of team #FuckTully then you can take some comfort in the fact that he’s alive and well, but he did totally have a Cameron from “Ferris Bueller” day yesterday, so that’s awesome. But his wife wasn’t having it for a god damn second, cause she’s old school Japanese and they don’t play that shit. Ellis suggested that Tully should fight his son in the Octagon someday, and although Tully thinks he probably won’t be the most capable fighter when his kid is old enough for this fight to be morally acceptable, I think I’m in the majority when I say that this fight needs to happen. There was some talk about possibly jockeying out the McGook baby to be assaulted by the children of UFC fighters, and that would be a close second to seeing the Tully father/son death match. This is really all of the show that I got to listen to at work because it really was a fucking madhouse for nine solid hours, and the on demand didn’t go up till really late and I pumped myself full of coffee and read Rude Jude’s book from front to back, so if shit gets weird just understand that there’s a lot of layers to what I’m writing this evening. The guys talked about how great it’s gonna be when they’re old and they get to pull a senile Howard Stern type setup with a one hour intro and outro from Cumtard every day, and that actually sounds pretty entertaining too, almost as much as seeing a toddler assaulted by third generation combat athletes. Ellis talked about what he knows about all the UFC offspring and how most of them are girls cause their dads are hoarding all the testosterone for themselves, but a few of them very well could be clones because they’re just too god damn good at what their parents do for a living. The guys addressed some of the comments that people have been leaving over the Sam Rubin fuck up where he confused Samuel L. Jackson with Laurence Fishburn, and as a guy who really does hope that Sam gets Sammed in the Sam with a 4 inch wide fish hook covered Sam, it really is great to have some easy ammo against this hacky Hollywood reporter AGAIN, especially after his epic showing at EllisMania 9, where I almost volunteered to climb in the ring and personally knock him the fuck out to prevent having to hear him Sam ever again. Then again, he works in Hollywood and a really vast deal of that means being fake and a corporate schill, so it wouldn’t surprise me if we hear about him signing up to go to rehab for his crippling racism, that may or may not be true, but if it”s not then god damn that was one colossal Freudian slip, not just like saying a different person’s name, but going so far as to get a widely recognized recent part of someone’s career completely mixed up with someone else. Cumtard was congratulated for bringing in ladies to ride AJ McLean’s lap and get two knuckles deep in each other (allegedly, but definitely not with a slow hand) yesterday afternoon, and he better lap it up while he can cause I’m sure they’re gonna be stabbing him in the balls over something soon enough. Ellis was really distracted by all the free roaming tits and tang in the studio yesterday, but was really happy that it went so well. Jason finally figured out what to do with the drift trike that Crazy Jerr gave him in Vegas at the last EllisMania (which I have seen personally and Jerr is a sick cunt for building it), he’s figured out that strapping one of his kids to it then towing it around with a dirtbike is a lot of fun for everybody. Tully took Linsanity to the movies for the first time recently, and it almost went good, but he brought one of his 2 year old friends and he has the attention span of a 2 year old, cause he’s 2 years old, and even though it was a special kids only presentation, it would have been cheaper to make popcorn at home and download everything you want to watch on Bittorrent. Ellis is getting back in to training, as he’s known to do, and is thoroughly enjoying it again, bright neon yellow Pacquiao boxing shoes and all. The only problem with the shoes is that they only had them in a half size too big for the wing, and he’s not trying to have bleeding ankles after a morning fitness session, so the shoes were given away to a fan cause, hey, waste not want not. Tully got a double strained groin doing some fancy yoga type shit a while back, and blew out his vag when he overextended on an extreme kegel while waiting for some folks to show up for a pickup game of basketball. The guys took a phone call from a sheriff who got fit cause Ellis and Tully’s mutually injured clitori inspired him to shed some pounds and he had such a good story that Ellis sent him the Pac-Man vitamin piss yellow fighting boots so he can shake down hookers and give out pointless quota tickets in style. Chad Reed sublimely fucked himself up at the Supercross this last weekend, but his vagina is still perfectly intact so he’s not gonna miss the next one for anything short of a shotgun blast to the face. And Ellis still wants to have a kickboxing fight with him, so that it can be proven once and for all that Australians are incapable of taking good advice when it comes to preventing bodily injury. Ellis wants to go to Thailand to get some real Muay Thai training with actual Thai people and maybe even get a real fight with one, but Tully doesn’t think there’s ever gonna be a big enough Thai man to fight him, however there will be plenty of adequately sized Thai women, and you don’t even have to go to Thailand to find them, Michael can get one shipped in from Milwaukee. There were some more phone calls from people who need more important things to do then making outgoing phone calls to absolutely anyone. There was more talk of Chad Reed and general sick cunting, and fighting Thai people, and getting ten million dollars to open a gym with where people can have unsanctioned comedy fights that are really high quality and don’t violate anyone’s insurance coverage. Just as long as nobody tries to feed you Pad Thai while they’re tossing your salad, everything is perfectly copacetic. A bunch of people called in to talk about Thailand like they grew up there and know everything about the country, but there’s enough stories of weekend warriors beating the fuck out of tourists in teeny local spots just outside the tranny/juvenile hooker part of town that it’s worth being pretty well practiced before going too deep into the underground kickboxing scene. The callers seemed to really like the idea of Thailand and couldn’t shut the fuck about it, and all it did was make me really bummed out that the Thai restaurant near my work is closed on Tuesdays and I had to go for a burrito at my favorite little place instead and the guy made it way too spicy and it just made my two day heartburn streak that much worse. The guys took a few minutes to regroup cause today’s got a lot of shit going on and it’s fucking important to keep things moving.
Sam Tripoli is gonna be on the show soon. If you don’t remember, he used to be on the Wild World of Spike with Jason and Kit Cope. Him and Jason were on the outs for a bit after some argument involving Mayhem Miller, but they patched things up and shit is cool now, so look forward to that. Ellis was floating the idea of getting some sponsors for the show, and as funny as it would be for the live reads for lard bean mulch (Jason actually practiced this segment and it was hilarious), it wouldn’t work if they stayed on Faction cause the music channels are supposed to be commercial free on SiriusXM so no go on that. Tully found a news story about the worst goddamn thing since I saw a Proactiv vending machine, apparently in Vancouver you can buy a crack pipe for 25 cents right next to the Dr. Pepper machine and the Burrito machine that’s gonna be installed sometime next month. As a guy whose met a lot of crack users, this is one of those things that where “legalizing it” really isn’t the kind of thing to be endorsing. But enough about crack, cause Doug Benson is in studio and he’s just a good ol’ American pothead. Doug heard about the guests who used the studio couch yesterday and this spawned the idea of adding some shackles and chains and making it into a torture couch, since it’s not that comfortable to start with and does have a slight demonic flair to the styling of it. Doug saw Jason on SAAAAAAAMMM’s show the other day and was really surprised that Jason was able to G-rate himself, considering the amount of times you can hear the word cunt on Big Fucking Mega Boat: The Movie: The Soundtrack. Doug talked for a while about some of his recent gigs, and this one time on comedy central when he was telling a joke hat had the phrase “penis in a vagina” and the only word that got beeped was “in”, but porn chicks are kind of indifferent to porn jokes, especially if you’re telling them at a porn convention. Jason thought about what a good idea it would be to have someone in studio keep a handful of lotion ready so they can Spiderman porn stars that come on the show to get a good gauge of how porny they are in their off the clock lives. Tully mentioned how Shaun White pulled off a 4th place finish in the Olympics and Doug recalled one time when Shaun was maybe 8 or 9 years old and he saw him eat shit on a ramp in one of the most horrific childhood traumas a person can watch happen, and Bob Burnquist couldn’t stop laughing about it with Jason after the contest was over. Cumtard came in to play a game with the guys, specifically this game was all about movies and how much of a film buff Doug is and trying to see if Ellis and Tully are as tight on their game as he is. Before the game could even start, Doug was already flexing his film geek nuts for a few minutes. There’s also a YouTube video of Doug getting fucked up on ether, cause why the hell not. He’s actually got a whole series of videos of him and his friends getting high at his house, and even one with him and his friends getting high on stage. One time Doug got super high on dabs and recorded his podcast and a bunch of people thought he was having a stroke or some shit. So back to the movie game, the object is to come up with a movie title for a new project that’s two recent movies “meeting” each other. Doug’s first one to pitch was “The Fast and the Furious” meets “The Hangover” and if you like blackout alcoholics and monster tuned Japanese cars, then this is definitely the movie for you. It’s got Asians and drunk people and cars getting posterized into telephone poles and hookers hanging out the sunroof and power techno and strippers and it’s called “Hangover 4 Fast Furious 6”. Next up, “Pirates of the Caribbean” meets “Beetlejuice” which will be a family friendly romp that includes pirates roaming the desert in the land of the dead, fighting giant sandworms and octupi, and helping Wynona Ryder fuck her way to the upper-middle of Hollywood, and it shall be a steaming pile of shite that will ruin Michael Keaton until Tim Burton decides to take back the Batman franchise. After that is the tour-de-force of “Groundhog’s Day” meets “Nightmare on Elm St.” which I envision as Bill Murray reliving the same day which ends with him having the same nightmare every night, only to be murdered and reborn and not only have to deal with that overgrown chinchilla that a bunch of hicks are trusting for meteorological guidance, but then being eviscerated in every way imaginable by a knife fingered janitor who may or may not be barred from working with children but good luck finding the records cause nobody can verify his social security number. If that doesn’t whet your appetite for laughs, how about the unholy union of “Ocean’s Eleven” and “Revenge of the Nerds”? Featuring George Clooney and Brad Pitt perpetrating the greatest panty raid the city of Las Vegas has ever seen, complete with twists and turns and somebody getting the shit kicked out of him by a bouncer at the titty bar for getting too grabby in the champagne room. The guys talked for a while about how the Olympics is a total crock of shit and how Oscar Pistorious should not be a role model for handicapped people because even though he ran some of the greatest sprints ever with no legs, he also shot his girlfriend thinking that it was an intruder in his house. And Michael Phelps smokes weed, but god forbid we rethink the way we regulate either of those things. Doug had to raise the fuck up and make some seat space for Rob Corddry cause nobody wants to sit on a really uncomfortable couch that hasn’t had the snail trails cleaned off while someone else is getting their moment in the spotlight.
Jason listened to a show bumper where it might be misinterpreted and people will be thinking that he’s talking about shitting in their holes, and had to listen to it again a couple times and have Rob Corddry cosign and explain the more “don’t say this cause lawyers will fuck you with it” side of Hollywood. The guys talked about how a shitinthehole.com t-shirt is kind of like abortion, it should be safe, free and rarely needed, and I have a “Jack the Cunt” shirt and a shirt that just says “Mel Gibson is an Asshole” so if shitinthehole.com ever actually happen, expect to see me wearing an abortion every couple weeks. Rob was pleased to find that he has an intro on Jason’s show now, and for $5, the guys couldn’t have done a whole lot better without trading some large amounts of drugs or your anal virginity. Jason got the idea that it would be cool to start a business where people would run to the store and get you tacos for $5, minus the cost of aforementioned tacos, and that Jetta should be the flagship delivery boy. The guys discussed drugs and the black market for a little bit, and how if you’re still buying weed on the black market in Colorado you’re kind of a dumbass cause there’s just no fucking point anymore and eventually your guy is gonna try and get you hooked on something that he can actually earn money on. Rob told the story of one time when he realized that smoking weed has to be a rare thing for him because he took one hit off a half tobacco joint at a kids party and conversing with all the other parents suddenly got really difficult. There was some more talk about riding out shitty highs, like this one time I did shrooms and it was kind of a shitty situation where I was hanging out and really weird things kept happening in this house and one of the guys got some phone call that flipped him and he went and smashed his room and somehow I ended up paralyzed on the floor in the hallway for three hours and hippies tried to take care of me and if I had the strength I would have made them fuck off cause hippies are pretty often the most two-faced shitheads ever. Rob once had a legit prescription for vicodine and didn’t realize until his doctor started looking like Pablo Escobar that he might just be getting a little hooked on government sponsored heroin “light”. There was some more talk about how the man will definitely try to make you a fucking J-cat and that nobodies gonna be held responsible cause that’s how capitalism works in this day and age. Some folks called in to ask the best way to avoid getting painkillers and the easiest way is to not fill your prescription and let the black market go handle it amongst themselves. Jason told Rob about one time when he broke his hand and then cut the cast off to continue making money skating and the pin that the doctors put in it came loose and everything started falling apart in his wrist and when he went to the hospital to get it fixed the doctor went all Texas Chainsaw Massacre on his shit. Rob has been in the process of making a sequel to Hot Tub Time Machine, which reminds me of a chapter in Rude Jude’s book called Hot Tub Time Machine 2001. It’s gonna be some epic shit if Corddry has anything to do with it, cause he’s fucking Corddry, and he’s got a massive cock that hangs way below his balls and is fucking beautiful. There was some talk about how much air travel sucks especially when celebrities get called out to do free promos by airline staff who don’t know how to keep shit to themselves and not throw people under the bus when they’re probably not interested in giving you an autograph cause they’re jet lagged and haven’t shit properly for a week. Rob Corddry had to be reminded that Shirley Temple died today and not in the 1970’s, and Tully found a story about how Shirley stopped believing in Santa Claus after some mall Santa asked her for an autograph when she was six. The guys talked about mall Santas for a while cause Rob thinks that the Santa at the Grove does a great job, but when Tully brought the McGook baby to meet him, that Santa shut down like his union break started the second a slant-eye started talking to him. They also talked about all those Hollywood characters that wander the street selling tourists the opportunity to get a photo with Batman for $5 and how all those guys are some of the most shady characters imaginable and they will fucking cut you, whitey, they will fucking cut you. Rob told the guys a little more about the finer points of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 and how you’re missing out if you haven’t seen the first one yet. Just remember, the hot tub takes you were you have to go, not where you want to go. But not John Cusack, cause he kinda got hosed on his investment the last time he played with the Hot Tub Time Machine. The guys talked for a while about how there’s lots of time travel movies that really sucked and they all missed the obvious perfect use of a time machine, which is to send fat girls back in time to when shit was squalid and there was no Uber and you really couldn’t get fat or else you wouldn’t be able to outrun a wild boar or a dragon and would get eaten alive in some really gruesome fashion. The guys poured one out for Shirley Temple by toasting with the mean Shirley Temple’s that Jetta is known to make. There were a bunch of phone calls and stuff for Rob and the boys about all kinds of things like drugs and movies and somebody mentioned Vince Neil but I don’t remember why. Clint Eastwood saved some guys life by doing the Heimlich on a guy at a golf tournament, and if I had been there I would have let the fucker die cause golf sucks and the rich need to have their herd thinned out a bit, and survival of the fittest means that if you can choke to death on a piece of cheese you’re probably just another turd in the gene pool. Final calls started rolling through and it was mostly “Hey Rob, you’re awesome”, “Hey Jason and Tully, you’re awesome”, and a few people who definitely need to choke to death on some cheese at a golf tournament. There was also a guy who called in and rattled off a whole slew of Ellis show shout outs in Spanish and that was pretty entertaining, and kinda sexy.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,