Good evening everyone. I hope you’ll excuse me if I’m a bit of a cocksucker about getting the recap done, but I’ve just spent the last hour and half on the phone with the help desk trying to get my wifi to work so I could relay this shit to you assholes. Also, right before the show I got a strange feeling that Sam Rubin would somehow come along and ruin an hour or two of the show. I don’t know, with his recent douchebaggery on such a public forum I had a feeling he would find a way to crawl up Uncle Jason’s ass to show him how famous he was for a day. I waited with bated breath all show….so…. Without further ado….
Sean T , the Insanity workout guy is super gay and married to a guy names Scott Blokker and they did crossfit shit at their wedding which probably had crab cakes and gay Hors d’oeuvre because gay people do Hors d’oeuvre. That font is different because I copied and pasted from Wikipedia because I couldn’t remember how to spell it and FUUUUCK YOU. Ellis likes some kind of sausage roll from Australia and they went off on a tangent about tacos and pizzas and awesome food that grandmas make. Which gave Tully the million dollar idea that is going to get him out of this shithole dead end job working for Pendarvis: “Rent-A-Grandma”, the revolutionary service where you hire someone to come cook you a hearty meal with leftovers like crazy, be super nice to you all day and slip you $5 bills just for being a sweetie. I think that’s a grand idea, grandmas make the world go ’round. That is, until people start renting grandmas to get handjobs from and then a bunch of apps pop up telling you what agencies to rent handjob grannies from.
D!D!D! should open for HateBean and Tyler Posey texted Ellis about band practice. That has nothing to do with the rest of the recap, but I thought it was relevant enough to write it down, so here I am doing it again.
Ellis is going hard on his workouts these days. He’s taking the good old Shroom Tech from Onnit, which if you’ve had it, you know that once you have taken it your choices are basically work out, or kill your entire family. Speaking of chests, Ellis is working on his titties. Hard. His titties are gonna be sore as hell for a while he blasts his titties. Titties. I drew some motivation from Ellis titty talk, because when I look down these days, I see two floppy sandwich bags with nipples hanging from my neck. So back on the wagon I go.
Rush Limbaugh believes there is a war on heterosexuals from the homosexuals. He believes we are going to be overrun with homos and we won’t be able to buy a gallon of milk without blowing a dude. Rush Limbaugh is also a fat junkie moron who preaches to a gaggle of even fatter junkie morons every day, so take his word with a pound of salt and a shot of butter you fucking retard.
Christian James Hand was on the show today. I have to take a moment to say that until recently, I didn’t know CJH was British. I had always made fun of him for slipping into a British accent every now and again and thought it was an annoying put on. But alas, dude is a legitimately limey fuck. Sorry, Christian, I know better now. Anyway, he is in studio today to talk music, as he often is, since he seems to be a musical encyclopedia. When he first got there, there was some discussion about Rage Against the Machine and if they were metal, or if they were a gay band. Chris Cornell sucks ass. But the real reason CJH was here was to play the Singers Without Music Thing bit where he plays tracks with the vocals isolated. Today was a bit of a grunge theme, highlighting what Christian considers the real big grunge artists mostly guilty of the “HURRR BE DURRRR” style of vocals. Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots pissed Ellis off, and sort of pissed me off because I have always liked STP but hearing the vocals by themselves showed just how basic it was. Dave Grohl in the Foo Fighters “Everlong” was highlighted and CJH tried to shit on it which I took major offense to because that song is timeless, god damnit. And everyone had a good time shitting on Eddie Vedder singing Pearl Jam’s “Black”. After all of these, Christian played what he believes is the culprit for the “Hurrr ba doo burr” voice, Jim Morrison. I like the 3 singers mentioned before, and I know this is not a popular opinion, but FUCK JIM MORRISON. Seriously, fuck him in his dead face, I hate The Doors. Christian dropped some Morrissey action to accentuate just how gay Morrissey really is. The two heavy hitters though were James Hetfield on “Blackened” and Bruce Dickinson on “Run to the Hills”. And then Christian RickRolled everyone with the Immortal Rick Astley.
Tripoli was on the show! Close one guys! If you don’t know, Sam is a comedian who was on the show “Wild World of Spike” with Ellis and Kit Cope. Him and Ellis have had their ups and downs due mostly to misunderstandings and bad timing, and they put everything on the table in the first ten minutes and hashed it all out. The next two hours were filled of Sam, Ellis, Tully and Christian all shooting the shit and it was great fucking radio. Sam apparently was pretty straight edge before he started working with Kit and Ellis, but when he had to do some stunts he got injured. When he got injured, he was prescribed pain pills. When he was prescribed pain pills he developed a taste for inebriation. This drove him into a spiral of cocaine, heroin and hookers. Not the type of hookers you have sex with, mind you, just the type you meet up with for drugs and then they rob you. Twice. In one day. Sam is turning out to be kind of a moron, but he is a far superior moron to other Sam. Not much else to say, there was a lot of conversation and banter between everyone and it was a blast to listen to if you’ve got on demand, definitely search it out. Plus I’m tired, so there’s my whole lack of giving a shit if you know everything from this recap.
Everything Sam Tripoli can be found here. He’s a funny fucker, support him.
Buy Ellis’ book here. It’s $12.
Buy Jude’s book here. It’s slightly less than $12.
Click here to look at a collection of rectal injuries. Otherwise known as Sam Rubins.