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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 4/8/14

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Vindication through petty vandalism, my friends. I need say no more other than that the weather is the polar opposite of what it was last week and I just essentially shot a load in someone’s corn flakes for the next several months. But that has nothing to do with anything cause it’s just about that mid day time when I crank my computer speakers at work up to 11 (which is actually more like 2 and a half cause I try not to be a nuisance to my coworkers or customers who might be sitting in the waiting room, plus the show just comes through my speakers quieter than all the music does, it’s not like I’m raging in this office) AND LISTEN TO THE FUCKING JASON FUCKING ELLIS SHOW!!!! Today got started with me stepping out for lunch with the SiriusXM online player paused, just moments before the show was supposed to start, and then the entire SiriusXM website lost it’s shit and stopped functioning completely, just as I got back to start writing this recap and enjoy some delicious Indian food! Since absolutely nothing I did would work to restore function and let me listen to the show, here’s everything I was able to pick up about today’s show by way of Twitter (Remember folks, YOU wrote today’s recap, and you should all be very proud and ashamed and concerned for yourselves):

 

1. Rude Jude stopped by, and was without a doubt hilarious, cause that’s what Rude Jude does.

2. Houston sucks compared to LA.

3. Police don’t know shit about shit, but they are allowed to carry guns and be assholes to pretty much anyone they want. (America! FUCK YEAH!!!)

4. LA pedestrians suck (But Oakland still holds the title for world’s slowest jaywalkers! Yay, me!)

5. Ellismania.com may be gone for good, but there’s always officialjasonellis.com which is pretty much the same thing with a different web address, you lazy fucks.

6. American schools are swirling the bowl, but Australians are swirling it in the opposite direction, because of the equator and sweet dead foetus Jesus.

7. @EmilyinSD still really loves Machine Head.

8. There was some sort of music segment, possibly unsigned bands, that was favorable to most of the listeners.

9. My facial hair is getting just long enough that I honestly cannot avoid getting food in it.

10. Cumtard needs to lay off the cheese, even though it’s delicious and sets off the same neural receptors as love and heroin (GOOGLE IT!).

11. The power of his own anus compels him. (Still talking about Cumtard here)

12. Crazy Jerr did something that warranted a shout out, but I COULDN’T LISTEN SO I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT WAS BUT SHOUT OUT TO CRAZY JERR ALL THE SAME GOD DAMMIT!!!

13. In Thailand, just fuck it. Doesn’t matter what it is. Laws, strippers, your mum, human decency, just fuck it.

14. Don’t fuck it too hard though, or the cops will fuck you in an equal and opposite fashion.

15. The practical applications of running propane (CNG) in the Wankel Rotary engine (as seen in vehicles like the Mazda RX-7) would successfully counter the inherent problem of no valve train and upper piston lubrication that is seen in normal piston-cylinder type internal combustion engines, since the Wankel engine has no upper cylinder lubrication and injects oil at the intake valves as a part of normal function in the regular gasoline variant. But this is America, and Big Oil still runs the show, so pipe the fuck down about solutions to real world problems.

16. When fucking something in Thailand, be sure to double and maybe even triple check what you are fucking, or the object of your fuck-affection will call fifteen of their tranny friends to stomp you to death in the gutter and steal your shoes.

17. $0.50 Valium and a pharmacy on every other street corner seems to only happen in places with culture and history that hasn’t been stolen by the white man.

18. The Wolfknives probably won’t go over well in Thailand cause of that god-awful anal fissure of a movie that was “The Hangover 2”.

19. Puking before you swim is a great way around that whole “wait thirty minutes” rule that your parents always told you.

20. Some sort of torture was laid down upon Kevin Kraft and the sound scale fell somewhere between him having a stroke or an orgasm.

21. #TeamNips

22. Chad Reed, mate.

23. Captain America is really Captain Puerto Rico (but it’s a US territory, so 6 of one, half dozen of ya know what I’m sayin?)

24. The fans really want to help Jason get hookers in Thailand.

25. The #SanDiegoSaviour is now 6 months meth-free in @EmilyinSD’s tummy, but is giving her weird cravings for things like water chestnut ice cream. WILSON is still an absentee father.

26. Kevin still has diarrhea, cha-cha-cha.

27. Another lady stopped by to try her hand at the new intro. The townspeople did not rejoice.

28. Tully said something smart. This probably happened several times today, but it’s always worth mentioning because he’s a witty mother fucker and has a lot to offer, not just to the show, but to the world at large.

29. Making out with a guy is the hardest thing to do. Credit where credit is due, ladies. And gay guys too, I guess.

30. Another porn star stopped by for a while. Once again, the townspeople did not rejoice.

31. The SiriusXM online player needs some serious work. Maybe if they took a cue from one of the Sirius radio clone programs that used to work before SXM reformatted the entire web based system to make it look prettier?

32. Everybody’s kind of over the new intro. It’s really turned into a much bigger stupider less productive monster than it could have been.

33. If you like fucked up porn, you gotta give anime a try. This has nothing to do with the show, just on a personal note. Cause I love you guys. I’m waiting for some to show up in the mail as we speak. #Hentai

34. There’s gonna be some MMA happening this weekend, or midweek, or sometime in the near future. Something like that.

35. Final calls happened… Yup… They certainly did.

36. ………………………………………………..Fucked your mum.

And there you have it folks, all the heavy lifting on this glorious recap, done by you, the fans, by way of twitter. You did a great job recapping the show for a guy who couldn’t listen live and has to catch it later. Kudos to you, you should pat yourself on the back and go try to masturbate away an incredible caffeine high, the way I do after every one of these that I write for you.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 4/1/14

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It’s raining! It’s pouring!!! Your mum keeps on whoring!!! I’m kidding, folks, your mum probably isn’t a whore, but if she is, I hope that her prices are fair and her pimp keeps a fair and gentle stranglehold on her human potential. That said, it’s time to get into my favorite part of every day, silently hating everyone that comes into my shop or calls on the phone because they make me have to keep pausing the Jason Ellis Show!!! Today’s show got underway with some conversation about how turning up your headphones can totally recharge your day, unless you play golf, in which case you probably wouldn’t be able to handle having your day charged up with Monster energy and Skullcandy earbuds cranked up to 11. EXTREME! Anyways, people need to stop taking golf so seriously, unless we decide to modify the rules of golf to include off-road go karts or jousting with the clubs or something. The same thing kind of goes for soccer. There’s a reason Americans gave it a different name than every other country that calls it football: we’re not the third world, and we can develop new sports when we get bored with kicking a ball across some grass. Tully remembers when American football used to be a lot more brutal too, the way Americans have always been known to act, but now with political correctness and giving kids gold medals for participation, it’s basically turned into a whine and bitch fest for overpaid high school jocks riding out the last few years that they can keep pulling it off. Remember how the NFL is a non-profit organization? Nothing to do with anything, just thought I’d remind everybody. On the off chance that Adam Snyder from the 49ers is reading this, disregard my opinion of pro-football players, EllisFam got no beef with a fellow member who happens to be a professional athlete. Jason got some new awesome beard care stuff from one of Katie’s friends, and it’s a good product but this friend is sort of an odd fellow, so Jason is trying to be miserly with it so he doesn’t turn into some creepy lactating euro guy from overuse of some unknown personal hygiene product. Jason instagrammed a picture of this stuff, and like the internet is known to do, every asshole with a 3G connection or better dropped their 2 cents on the subject. Ellis recently had his wallet stolen, and he knows where it happened, which just makes that shit sting a little bit harder cause money is one thing but having to go to the DMV for any reason ever is like having your coffee ejaculated in every morning for a week. Jason was filling out some paperwork to get new cards for some of his insurance and whatnot, and the nurse who was giving him the questionnaire to get a new health plan card didn’t know he used to be an action sports athlete and that he’s probably had his fair share of injuries. After all that was done though, Jason got to see the chiropractor and that guy had the most wonderful assortment of Rube Goldberg machines that fixed up J’s back pain faster than shit through a goose. Somehow the conversation turned to massage parlors and how  men go to chiropractors and women go to masseuses when they get sick of being unfulfilled by their husbands, or something to that effect. The guys took some phone calls on joint pain and not overextending yourself if you’ve spent the last 20 years going hard in the mother fucking paint without stretching first. Tully has been nursing a sore spot on his foot for a while and Ellis suggested that he might be right at that magic age where you either get old and fade away or start taking advantage of every bit of science and pseudo-science available to the common man and become the next Six Million Dollar radio co-host. A massage therapist from Utah called in and the guys couldn’t stop harassing him for a coccyx adjustment, but he said they would have to get in touch with him off the clock cause that particular massage is just a touch too close to the anus to do it during regular business hours when there could be a paper trail that can be used as evidence in a court of law. The guys talked more about back pain and getting old and how probably half the people you know who claim to have some fucked up body part probably just need to exercise more often OR man the fuck up and grow a vagina. AN Aussie guy called in to sound off on this, but Jason couldn’t stand his accent cause he felt like it was a negative stereotype against himself, so we didn’t get to hear a response, but one guy called to say he had to get a testicular surgery from playing some fuckin’ EXTREME golf. This guy got Tully on the topic of old guys who refuse to give up basketball and how he’s standing on a very wide fence about whether or not he’ll be one, and that fence gets a couple inches thinner every year. A lady called in to ask Jason why it is she might be overweight, even though she eats really healthy and runs marathons and shit, but still can’t get that last 35 pounds off that her doctor is recommending. After asking a few questions, it became obvious this lady probably has some sort of ancient hex placed against her and she should call her local shaman to exorcise it, or learn black magic herself so that she may pass along the curse to some other unfortunate bloodline. After a few more questions, it seems that maybe she’s not sticking to everything as well as she says she is, or her doctor really is an idiot. But fuck all that, cause there’s a new surrogate/substitute/replacement website for EllisMania and it is officialjasonellis.com!!! It’s pretty much the same website, just with a different URL and you might get a few free months while they’re transferring all the user data over!!! The guys looked over the new site and what the top five videos viewed were, and it’s official: The crazy, yelling, pissing lady who was harassing Jason outside the gym is the most universally entertaining thing in all of the internet! After being told this, Ellis could not help but remind the listeners that in West Hollywood, it is impossible to escape the sight of urine on a daily basis, on those mean southern California streets. It’s like the sun rises, and everyone in the city faces the center of town and starts pissing. There was more talk about how when you get old you need to be more responsible with your body or your anus is gonna get uterine cancer or something, I couldn’t follow it cause I was digesting some wonderful delicious pizza and  thinking about staying up till 2 playing video games tonight and then maybe snapping one off in the shower, but I’m sure there was a lot of positive advice for the people who needed it. This all flowed in to talk about always expecting the worst case scenario, and WILSON came in to call Tully out for saying it all the time, which Tully could not remember doing at work but can definitely recall doing with his wife. WILSON was good about this topic, he keeps as positive an outlook as possible, with those glimmering shins and that majestical peacock-like waxed semi-hawk, getting around on foot cause he had to get rid of his Saab, he’s like the father I always wanted, except for constantly being on conference calls, which would make him pretty similar to the dad I got, so win-win-lose if he were to adopt me? Great news though, WILSON has been given permission to fight Cumtard!!! AND THE FACKING TOWNSPEOPLE REJOICE YA FACKIN’ CUNTS!!! So, EllisMania 10 is gonna be some unimaginably awesome shit, just for that. In talking about the fight to come, I couldn’t help noticing that the guys keep mentioning me (cause I have a sensitive ego and am very receptive to any and all input, positive or negative) and Pendarvis may not have the punch power that Kevin does, but after reviewing the video of my first round TKO by the Tard, it seemed to be a pretty fair match between me and Kevin back at EM8 and it would probably be slightly better odds in Will’s favor just cause he’s gonna be a lot harder to move out of the way than I am. I’ll let you guys stew on that and reminisce about watching me smoke what I’m hoping wasn’t actually pubic hair a couple summers ago, while the boys regroup and Akka Dakka provides the soundtrack.

 

Ugh, so someone parked a Prius with eyelashes on the headlights across the street from my work. No real reason why I’m mentioning it, I just despise people who treat the Prius the same way everyone treated the VW Beetle in it’s heyday. It’s like there needs to be an “Unsafe at Any Speed 2: You can make a hybrid that has enough horsepower to moveat a reasonable pace with traffic.” But I digress, cause McLaren has built a nine hundred and something horsepower hybrid that can literally strip the paint off a Prius in two flyby’s, so technology isn’t leaving those of us with a respect for the motoring arts out to dry. Anyways folks, AUSSIE NEWS! First up, there could allegedly be a Vegemite energy drink, but it is April fool’s day, so that’s total bullshit, but in actual real news, there’s gonna be movie coming out THAT IS ALMOST AN EXACT RIPOFF OF THE WOODSMAN!!! Except that it’s about Drop Bears, which is also something Jason says he invented, but it’s not important because this (allegedly fake?) movie trailer isn’t as much of a horror movie, but sort of a comedy, but a really shitty one, and not aided by cheesy one-liners about cumming on someone’s face after murdering them with their own aborted foetus. So maybe it’s worth watching, but then again it could be a steaming bowl of elephant piss, or it could be yet another elaborate internet prank against the world. The guys kicked around more ideas for another movie to film, because they really had a lot of fun with both The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. Scarier than another hidden pussy fart though, a girl in Mexico is in hot water after allegedly stabbing her friend 65 times over some naked selfies that they posted to Facebook, once again proving the intrinsic lack of value Facebook has to the human race. Jason argued with Cumtard for a bit about whether or not there would be a CEO knock-out at EM10 and the guys decided to make a bet out of it, the stakes are, if Cumtard survives past the first round, Ellis is gonna rollerblade in full view of the crowd, and if he doesn’t, Kevin has to eat as many onion rings as they can stack on an erect penis. Now, I’m not one to watch what is essentially gay porn, but even that sounds kind of funny. Especially when Tully threw it out there that it needs to be someone they don’t know, preferably a humongous porn cock. The name that was suggested was Mr. Marcus, but then Tully realized the reason that name popped in his head is because that guy did 30 days in jail for knowingly giving two female costars syphilis. So it looks like aside from puking on a massive, pulsating doom spigot, Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft is also going to go out just like Al Capone. Myself, I couldn’t be more excited for this whole thing to play out. Kevin has diarrhea today too, so there’s that for you. The guys talked some more about all the fights that are gonna be happening at this next EllisMania, not just the fight between Kevin and his self respect after eating onion rings in some sort of bizarre live sex act. The pinata fight was suggested, as it really could have worked if they had been able to get an actual pinata instead of throwing Grant Cobb in the middle of the ring with no warning or headgear. Also, the Biggest loser fight, which is open to two men and two women, so there might be two of those fights, if the volunteers can be found. Pendarvis and Kevin came in to trade some intimidation in regards to their upcoming bout, and after hearing about Kevin getting randomly assaulted by a drunk firefighter (hey, he didn’t go to the ground) we found out that WILSON has been smashing rib cages since before kindergarten. All that aside, Kevin is already planning how to eat onion rings off of a gigantic phallus without having to worry about triggering his gag reflex. All this talk did trigger a great contender for the name of this EllisMania though, or possibly a new Death!Death!Die! song: Cock Vomit. They also through out the idea of EllisMania 10: Sea Men Fight. But the name really isn’t important, because the guys really need to sort out the logistics of how this onion ring cock sleeve thing is gonna go down. And since the insurance to have a porn star put deep fried food up the length of his phallus in full view of a few thousand people is probably astronomical, they’re thinking of having a more illuminati type affair back in Jason’s room with naught but a small select crowd and lots of plastic sheeting. A few people called in to make it as clear as possible that Cumtard really does need to make good on this bet, and that apparently it’s not so weird that people want to watch it happen. A couple folks even volunteered their cocks for the whole thing. One guy had half inch long genital warts though, and Kevin used the whole “Michael Douglass HPV Throat Cancer” defense to let the guys know he wouldn’t do it if they picked that guy (like a bitch). While you all make peace with your gods over what you’re about to fly to Vegas to see this summer, let’s have some Nirvana and take a breather.

 

HEY POTHEADS!!! You’re gonna get a kick out of this one! The guys found a video of a kid ABSOLUTELY LOSING HIS SHIT AFTER TRYING DABS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS PRETTY FUCKING EPIC!!! I remember having a couple shitty times when I did drugs, but if I did something like this kid I would have promptly been beaten and robbed by every friend I ever had, simply on principle. There was some talk about salvia cause a lot of people claim to go absolutely fucking nuts when they do it, but Tully has smoked a metric shitload of it and could still pass a field sobriety test. Cumtard came in to share some of his experiences with it and it sounds like for the right person, it could be a great time, and for the wrong person, it would be a great way to reduce the population when people have a tard session and run out into traffic. One guy called in to tell the guys about one time when he smoked salvia and went and took a shit on his front porch, then he punched his roommate in the face. Red Dragons. I remember one time at Boy Scout camp when me and a buddy got some weed that was laced with PCP and we smoked a bunch of it and started seeing all kinds of colors in the pitch blackness of night in our tent, and then I fell asleep halfway through eating a sheet of beef jerky and woke up with the whole side of my face fucking CHAPPED like a salt cured fish. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, nuh-nah-nuh-nah-mean? There were some more phone calls on salvia and interesting things that people have done when high. One time myself, same buddy, Boy Scout snow camporee, we built an igloo for the multi-troop competition, it was the fucking sweetest one and got our troop a ribbon, then we ditched everybody else and GOT THAT MOTHA FUCKA MUGGY AS FUCK and carved some titties in the wall, cause when you’re young, you do stupid shit like hotboxing igloos and carving titties in the snow. Oh, and the first time I did whipits, I made the mistake of hitting one while I was standing up, and just as I was exhaling I fell directly sideways into a stack of shit in the corner of my friend’s room and almost smashed a ship in a bottle on my forehead in the process. Driving to his old college on acid was a hell of a time, we got the stuff just past sundown, took some, kept the rest for the Mardis Gras weekend we were about to take part in, and drove four hours from Hayward to San Luis Obispo. Best moment of the drive, I’m in the fast lane doing about 95 in my old Volvo station wagon and this dude has been riding my ass for miles, so just as I’m about ready to switch lanes and let him pass, THE FUCKING RED AND BLUES START FLASHING!!!! And here’s the kicker, the cop was BEHIND THE GUY BEHIND ME AND DIDN’T TRY TO CHASE US! If I was ever gonna shit my pants and make sure everybody knew it, that night would have been the night to do it. I introduced all those rich surfer kids to drinking forties and smoking Newport 100’s that weekend, and saw lots of college nudity. Second to last night there, we were drinking on this girl’s balcony while there was a big crowd in the courtyard below, and all of a sudden, in perfect slow motion, a 40oz bottle goes flying through the air… and explodes on top of a riot cop’s helmet. The cops immediately unloaded paintballs and sandbags every which direction and I promise you have never seen two thousand drunk college kids clear out of anywhere so god damn fast. I’m only telling these stories cause that’s what everyone else was doing on the Ellis show, and since a lot of you probably already heard it, and this is not the Ellis show, I figured I’d give you some of my own. The guys started digging through the props box for all the stuff they want to keep or get rid of for their celebrity guest instagram photos. The reason for the spring cleaning is that a costume company has reached out to the show and wants to give them some stuff to keep around for those historic photo moments. Unfortunately, in the process of this, the guys called out Hardcore the intern for corralling celebrity guests into taking pictures with him for his own Instagram. WILSON is just as guilty, only he tries to be a little more low key about it and slip them the tongue when the flash goes off. Pendarvis got all kinds of defensive about it, and Hardcore is probably gonna flunk whatever class he was supposed to get credit for by doing this internship, and Jetta does it a bit but he isn’t a complete asshole about it and tries to do his own thing instead of playing Tarzan off anybody else’s nuts. Cumtard is a bit more reasonable about it, he at least gets pics of everything going on at the show, not just celebrities, but all the same he could do to tone it down a bit, or WILSON is gonna start withholding sex and their bizarre working bromance could be put in jeopardy over who gets more likes whenever Joanna Angel stops by. Tully and Jason came to the agreement with everybody that they can take all the guest pics they want, you just gotta do it “Creepshots” style and pretend to take a phone call but really have video rolling. WILSON got really bent about that and went to sulk because the press pass hanging from his angry lanyard was not properly respected by the crew. The guys took some final calls on things and stuff, one guy tried to psychoanalyze WILSON over the suggestion from yesterday that he start smoking weed, but it was poorly timed so the guys didn’t bother listening to it all. There was more digging through the props box and it sounds like the guys need to buy some more of the creepy handmade shit off Etsy that they always seem to find, but they do have some good ones in there that you can keep an eye out for when you’re trolling everybody’s instagram to see if anybody got spy photos of Mark McGrath’s dick in passing or whatever the hell you look for when you’re on instagram. There were some more final calls about stuff and shit and things and whatever, and Cullen might be the CEO of Faction if Jason ever gets his own channel, since he pretty much works a 395 hour workday running the channel as it is, with WILSON pulling 72 hour days as a supervisor. Of course, this is all hypothetical until Ellis can manage properly cultivating his beard into a proper authoritative mechanism that commands respect from the international corporate community of SiriusXM. If that all goes according to plan, he’s probably gonna cherry pick his own staff and talent, and Faction will sink by the wayside like the short lived Punk channel that I actually really liked, that Cullen and Cechnicki were in charge of before the merger. Don’t forget, the guys are gonna do unsigned bands again soon, so get your shitty alt-pop offerings out on the internet at submittoellis@gmail.com and it’ll get airplay for one whole week, at some time between noon and 4 PM, Monday through Friday, and even if it’s the best of the pack it will still probably be deeply ridiculed, and that’s OK cause it’s all in good fun and no matter what music you make, there’s an audience that wants to hear it. Just look at that shithead Justin Bieber! The guys played around with the idea of going to church and breaking off the minister mid-sermon to preach the word of Pantera, and I for one think that would be a hell of a reality prank show. So if you have a YouTube account, I would love to see your best attempt. While you’re at it, LEARN WHAT THE FUCKING DON’T DIE SEGMENT FUCKING MEANS!!! IT’S NOT LIKE THE SHIT HASN’T BEEN A STAPLE ON THE END OF THE SHOW FOR SEVERAL FUCKING YEARS NOW!!! YOU WONDER WHY I REFER TO 80% OF HUMANITY AS A PACK OF MORONS?!?!??! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/25/14

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It’s another one of those wonderful days where somehow I am the center of everyone’s universe and they all have way fewer problems than they think but they still won’t take responsibility for any of them and there’s this mysterious liquid that may or may not be rain falling from the sky and the fax machine is a cunt and so is your mum and the system continues to fuck us all in the ass just a little bit harder with a handful of rusty brake shavings as lube, but all of that means nothing cause it’s almost lunch time and the Jason Ellis show is on! And it started with some lovely music for destruction and mayhem, the mighty Machine Head! Who I enjoy just as much as Tony Sly and the late great Oderus Urungus! #YeahThatsAStabAtYouEmilyButItsAllInGoodFun Anyways, the show today got underway with Jason telling us all how it’s just ridiculous that there isn’t a gaggle of ladies lined up to provide some good clean audio for the current “chicks with kettle bells sounding like they might be enjoying some dick” intro the show has been using for the last couple months. I was finishing off a sandwhich, so I missed the finer points of this conversation, but there was some talk about cleaning your asshole and WILSON was brought into the studio to once again be outed for being incredibly creepy around anything with tits and a naughty vag. If you were at the book signing this past weekend at the new San Diego Harley Davidson dealership, you probably met Tiger and Devin and contributed to their best weekend ever, as they told Andrea they had. While we’re on the topic of Jason’s kids, Tully got to thinking of how he would feel if someone tried to buy Linsanity for a billion dollars. Admittedly, he would consider it, but would always say no. But he’ll hear your offers. But always say no. But he won’t turn you away at the door. Just sayin’ folks. If you want a McGook baby, there’s a guy who will entertain offers. Somehow WILSON went way to far and brought the conversation around to shitting on children or porn stars, and it all just fell apart after that. With all that done though, the guys let everyone know that you can leave video messages on Skype for the talent show on Friday, or read the lines for the intro and maybe get immortalized on radio for twenty seconds once a day for a couple weeks. Jude stopped by to let the guys know that a billion dollars is a great offer cause in other parts of the word your parents could trade you off for a goat or a basket of seeds or some shit. Jude did some reminiscing on his days at the Jenny Jones show when they had an episode called “too fat to wear that” and another time when a lady claimed she had a third nipple but then got caught in a lie and the producers sent her ass home on a Greyhound and told her not to come back. Jason got to sit in between tapings of Good Day LA and there was some talk show where a 14 year old girl with a ridiculous underbite got pregnant and was yelling at her parents or some such shit like that which was probably sensational afternoon TV for the stay at home absentee parent in all of us. Jude recalled all the times when the Jenny Jones crew went out to recruit guests and they would redecorate people’s houses and give them dental work and shit just to try and make them more like the everyman rather than the link that refuses to stay missing. Jason retold a story about when he was in Panama and somebody told him that whenever a rich guy builds a nice house, the locals would steal all the drywall, faucets and wiring out of the place before anybody had a chance to move in. Just goes to show you, in the third world, wealth isn’t celebrated quite the same way as it is here, and the movies are all probably correct in the way they portray it, like in Fast and Furious 5! That’s right folks, Vin Diesel will steal your shit in a stolen, modified police version Dodge Charger if your bank account gets too big for your britches. Jude almost got in a fight at the movie theater during the Wolf of Wall Street, but had to dial it back cause it was Christmas morning and he was with his mom, but shit wouldn’t have rolled like that if the situation was different. Seriously folks, Jude’s mom can’t be around to keep him from stomping on your throat all the time, learn how to turn your phone off. The guys all talked for a while about the military industrial complex and how some people are prewired to go off and kill shit, but you can’t complain if you signed up for it and now the VA isn’t doing anything for you. Come on, we all know a belligerent homeless ‘Nam vet, what the fuck else can you expect? Springsteen wrote a song called “Born in the USA”, ever wonder what that shit’s about? Just sayin, you’re never gonna grow up to be the next Jonah Hill if you get your legs blown off for the Bush family to make a slightly better markup on crude oil. The guys talked a bit about imaginary friends and how they’re not always gonna bring up repressed memories that you should know abut, sometimes they’re just gonna put a bug in your ear to go all “Son Of Sam” around the streets of New York. Jude talked for a while about how fast food workers really do hate you as much as they hate showing up to work at their soul crushing minimum wage anti-potential jobs everyday. Bah-dant-dant-DANT-DANT!!! I’m resigned to failure! Great new jingle, McDonalds, now fucking pay me already. Ain’t like I don’t have a 4 pound tumor of undigested fries wedged against my pancreas from all the years I was a delivery driver and ate that crap all the time. The guys dissected the fizzled career of the girl from that movie “Just One Of The Guys” and it’s pretty clear that if she’s not a lesbian, she’s at least gotta be an alcoholic by now, cause the wall has certainly been hit by that woman and her job. Don’t forget to check out Jude on the Foreally show, and also boycott his show so that he can get a better job on a different station. Or not, everything doesn’t need to be a “cause” to start making drama about.

 

So, have you ever seen a white guy in blackface? How about a black guy in whiteface? Now, I’ve seen Birth of a Nation (it was for a film studies class in high school, relax), but Nick Cannon has recently put out an album called “white people party music” and one of the publicity photos he made for it is himself in whiteface. Now, blackface is bad because it was used to perpetuate stereotypes and as a tool for propaganda, since no one would ever hire a black person for any purpose at all back in the day and it only made since to rub charcoal all over some honky’s face and make him do the jitterbug, however us cracka’ ass cracka’s can’t really get too offended at whiteface cause we enslaved an entire race of people for 400 years and then perpetuated a government system which continues to bar them from real opportunities even to this day, so when somebody hashtags #GoodCredit #CreamCheese, I’m honestly not offended. Nobody gave Dave Chappelle any shit for all the times he put on whiteface for characters on The Chappelle show. Remember folks, there’s racism that’s all in good fun, and then there’s cultural subjugation, and the two are very different and it’s worth learning a thing or two about history and the people you’re making jokes to if you’re gonna say certain things that might cause a rift with your audience. As far as Nick Cannon goes, I could honestly give a fuck what that guy does, I’ve never really liked any of his work, so if MTV2 ever runs out of reruns of Wild’n Out to cram into a Saturday afternoon, it’s not gonna hurt my couch potatoing for a god damn second. Besides, not all white people have good credit. I can’t even get a fucking Discover card, and I’ve never had one red cent of credit or debt to my name and I’ve been a taxpayer with an uninterrupted full time job for almost 15 years, so suck it, Cannon. Butt fuck all that shit, cause it’s time for another amazing round of TARD THAT TUNE!!! AKA THE BEST GOD DAMN SET OF RINGTONES THAT I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO DOWNLOAD OFF OF SOUNDCLOUD WHENEVER HARDCORE GETS OFF HIS ASS AND UPLOADS IT!!! OR MAYBE IT’S JETTA’S JOB, I’M NOT REALLY SURE!!! MAYBE TULLY SQUEEZES IT IN BETWEEN TRAIN TRACK PLAYTIME WITH LINSANITY WHEN HE’S NOT TAKING BIDS ON OWNERSHIP OF HIS OFFSPRING!!! Much like the last time, I can’t possibly relate the awesomeness of this segment in words, but I can give you track list of everything that got tarded this week, and the list is as follows:

The B52’s – Rock Lobster

ZZ Top – La Grange

Daniel Powter – Bad Day (I had almost forgotten this song existed and was quite happy about that, thanks and go fuck yourself, Kevin!!!)

Alice In Chains – The Rooster

C&C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat

Dire Straits – Money For Nothing

Gary Numan – Cars

Snap – Rhythm Is A Dancer

Rod Stewart – Young Hearts

Tears For Fears – Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Steppenwolf – Magic Carpet Ride

And finally, for absolutely no good reason at all, the theme song from Sanford and Son

While the rest of us started plotting Kevin’s murder for bringing back so many musical atrocities that should have stayed buried in the sands of time, the guys put the call out for the audience to call in for a new segment called “What’s wrong with you?” in which you can presumably call in and let the listening audience know about all your issues, physical, psychological, sexual, dietary, whatever may be really wrong with you. Tully, for example, can hold a grudge from beyond the grave, even if you forget that you ever met him. Will, on the other hand, is a treasure trove of neuroses and imperfections, so after a break, let’s dig into him for a bit.

 

Pat Barry is no longer fighting in the UFC, but he has taken it upon himself to become a vigilante firefighter/nightclub bouncer. But nevermind that, WILSON is a sloppy fucking hemorrhoid stain on the taint region of humanity’s tighty whiteys, and the guys took some time to explore that, as well as ask the callers their opinions on WILSON and themselves. The first caller was a guy who is a self proclaimed nymphomaniac who saw some shit in the Navy that would turn an average mother fucker white, and not that Nick Cannon white, I’m talking Ghostbusters 2 white. Next guy called in to let the guys know that there’s a local radio station in Toronto that does this same bit, and also that he fucks his own belly button. After that was a guy who has horrible self esteem and tries way too hard to please all his family and friends, and they’re not doing a whole lot to try and stop him, like a pack of good little codependents and enablers. Next guy called in to tell the story of one time when he got in a brawl with his dad and fucked him up like a gang territory fight, but he kind of asked for it by being such a shitty abusive dad. Another guy caught his wife sexting his neighbor, so he went out to the strip club and tossed a dancer’s salad for a cool minute and will probably do it again cause the relationship is pretty much over. Next guy who called in said too many people fall in love with him, which wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t a smooth sensual Latin mother fucker. I understand, Manny, I understand, you’re from central/south America, you’re a desirable commodity. After the guys scared off Manny with their unwelcome advances, a guy called in to tell the guys that his wife got him a doll a few years back to help with his depression, he’s now gone completely apeshit and owns over 300 dolls, complete with tea parties and makeovers and all the shit that might be done with them by a five year old girl, and here’s the kicker, x-rated doll photo sessions. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, guys, you’re probably not as fucked up as you think. Next caller was short, fat, bald and lived in his parent’s basement. Maybe not the doll guy, but certainly worth a segment called “What’s Wrong With You?” After that poor bastard was a guy who admittedly has a really small penis when it’s flaccid, but after the guys found out it’s slightly above average when hard the guys let him know to use it more often and stop complaining about problems that he doesn’t actually have. Next up was a 22 year old guy who doesn’t have a driver’s license, and not cause of the environment or living in the city, but just cause he’s afraid of driving. Go karts, dude, go karts. You’ll be fine. NEXT CALLER moved to Florida to be with a chick, only to get sick of her and move back to be with his first lady, and now he’s getting sick of her, and it’s been like this for a long ass time. He’s just a guy who’s in love with falling in love, much like The Mowgli’s, who I’m sure would be happy to drag him along on their next tour cause they really are some of the friendliest guys ever. Next guy called to ask if it was OK that his wife asked him to piss inside her vag while they were fucking, and while it may not be dangerous per se, it is still weird as all fuck. Next one down the line was a guy who hallucinates monsters all the time, basically anything in his peripheral vision turns into some sort of creature from beyond. Next guy called in to say that he just can’t get off without a well placed finger in the ass, and it’s causing some problems trying to keep a long term relationship. Then we heard from a guy who is a self proclaimed judgmental asshole, kind of like me, a total nice guy who just hates a massive percentage of the population. Another person called in to let the guys know that he’s basically skirting the line between being a transvestite and getting some gender reassignment procedures underway. This call culminated in Tully inventing the “dick-clit”, a sexual move for everyone who wants to know what it would be like to have lesbian sex, sort of. The next caller keeps loaning money to his relatives, and they can’t stop asking for it wither. Next one on the phone says that every time he moves in to a new apartment, he get’s a visit from the Gordon’s fish stick mascot. Just one time, not like a haunting, but it always happens just one time per new residence. Tully had a similar experience, every so often Aunt Jemima appears masturbating at the foot of his bed. Mmmmm pancakes. Next up was a guy who said he’s just never happy, so the guys recommended he follow WILSON on Instagram and learn how to appreciate what he’s got. The guys decided to quit while they were ahead at this point, cause the fans are obviously more fucked up than they have time to get through in one afternoon.

 

So tomorrow Juliana Pena is coming back on the show, so if you liked hearing her last time, get ready for another hit off that glass dick of female MMA fighters. Tully found some new music from Corey Feldman, and if “Ascension Millennium” didn’t satisfy your boner for absolute shite that a washed up child star is only cranking out to desperately cling to fame now that his hetero life mate died from a drug overdose, well the new video and the song that goes with it is an equal if not greater example of how some people really need to fuck off into obscurity like the kid that played Anakin Skywalker in the first Star Wars prequel. It’s fair to note that he’s essentially fellating the essence directly from Michael Jackson’s corpse to try and add some style and class to this song, however that kid with cancer who took him to court for sexual assault seems to have gotten it all (ever notice how weak that cancer got the longer that court case went on? Just sayin, folks…). The guys discussed for a while whether or not Corey’s Angels are hanging out voluntarily or if they’re victims of the international sex trade, or if he is possibly the ringleader in some sort of “have hot bitches hanging around to boost your self esteem” type of business. A former roommate of one of Corey’s Angels called in to give the guys a little info on the whole thing, apparently it actually is some real live polyamorous shit going down at the Feldman house, so I guess the joke’s on all of us. Or not, I don’t need 8 ladies PMSing around me all the time and having a Feldman haircut sounds like a god damn nightmare, and from the outside looking in it still looks like a pretty crazy relationship between two or more crazy fucking people. Another guy called in to tell the guys about when his band opened for Corey at some show and it was some of the most ridiculous shit ever and now Tully has volunteered Death!Death!Die! to do a show with him. Tully also found a new track from Metallica that they did for a Dio tribute album, and much like their track “Mercyful Fate” which was several Mercyful Fate covers all strung together, they’ve pretty much done it again in the same vein, only this time in tribute to the Holy Diver himself, the late great RJD. The guys discussed Metallica for a bit and how most bands who’ve been at it as long as they have probably isn’t gonna pound out all the same style and energy of stuff that drove them to stardom in the first place. There were some final calls and stuff, and it wasn’t the same kind of absolute shit that it has been in the past, so good for the audience for beating back the throngs of listener idiocy that drives our dear friend Jetta crazy every single day. The power of Odin and Corey Feldmen compels me, and may the Flying Spaghetti Monster be with you all.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/18/14

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I’m just gonna go ahead and warn you guys…I’ve got a bubbling in my guts that usually foreshadows some bloody diarrhea. It’s probably the stuffed peppers I had for dinner on Sunday night. I regret nothing though, they were absolutely delicious, so keep your eyes on my twitter for the most disturbing live tweet rectal implosion session you’ll probably ever bear witness to. But while we’re waiting for my colon to go supernova, how about some wonderful background noise from the Jason Ellis Show? Today started off like many other with a lot of talk about how not knowing what the hell is going on can be a really good thing sometimes. It’s great when you can just absolve yourself of being a reliable, trustworthy person and throw all your responsibilities to the wind every once in a while. It’s good for the soul. Helps you get your head past some rough shit that might have happened when you were younger. Good times, folks, good times. Tully vouches for this in the way that the internet has let all your average Joe’s lash the fuck out at anybody they want for being a shitty person, regardless of their general status in society. It made enough since at the time, I’m just malnourished at the moment, it’s kind of a busy one today. I haven’t strung a sentence together properly all day. But anyway, it was a lot of conversation about how sometimes when people keep getting kicked around, they just believe it’s their fault, but sometimes you can Rage Against The Machine and they take the power back and  Testify about The Ghost Of Tom Joad and the Renegades of Funk (Perfect placement for some musical puns, eh?). Jason feels very lucky to have a Tully, and the sentiment was reciprocated. He tried being modest about it, but he does know how to take a compliment (unlike most of the ladies I’ve ever met. I’m just saying ladies, it ain’t always cause I want a blowjob, sometimes I just think your hair looks nice, OK MOM?!?!?) Tully talked for a while about how he was getting kinda depressed during that period when he had been let go from the show for a year or so and it really did make him realize that it’s good to pay attention to what your mind is doing so you don’t make any bad decisions based on some temporary feelings. Jason chimed in with his experience on the psychological system and it all seemed like a lot of good info for folks who might be thinking about it. Jude stopped by, and he’s a fucking psychopath, so he had plenty of input on this topic. Jude usually doesn’t feel too crazy unless he gets some THC in his system. One time he was trying to get to sleep after a bunch of ketamine and decided to mellow out with some cannabis throat spray, but he took way too much of it and shit went real dark for the rest of the night. The guys talked for a while about parenting and most of Jude’s issues seem to be rooted in his particular level of involvement with his daughter. In his words, more than a sperm donor, not a deadbeat, but not like Jason or Michael. Jason explained to Jude the long ins and outs of how he came about to be a parent and a husband and how he really didn’t make the best set of plays in that situation, looking back on it all. The guys took some phone calls on how people should go about getting psychiatric care and some of the success stories of people who have done it. On a personal, I’ve had lots of years of therapy, and it’s probably the only reason I survived till 21 years old, so that I could get old enough to get my shit together. I’m not gonna write an Awesome Guide to Life on it or anything, just sayin. Jude talked for a while about how he feels about dying and basically he’s fine with it, he just doesn’t want to be a vegetable first, which prompted Tully to ask why he spends so much time trying to turn himself into a vegetable, to which he responded that there’s a part of him that wants a slow painless suicide. He gave us a little more insight to his personal thought processes, and I won’t go into detail, but if you happen to run into Jude, give him a big fat bro-hug and let him know how much you like him as a person. Call him Jude out on the street too, not Rude Jude. That’s how he can tell if you’re a friend or just another fan. So, lots of talks about feelings and stuffs was the main focus of the first hour. It’s good to let it out sometimes. Occasionally, it could even get you laid if you time it just right. Maybe it’ll be a sympathy jam, but you;’ll get a nut off all the same. Jude and Ellis started arguing for a bit about whether or not psychiatric medication is a scam, and that’s kind of up for debate, although I could win it with this one statement: The two separate figures for the number of people who take psychiatric meds and the number of people who need them are probably pretty close, if not dead even, however, the single figure for the number of people who need them and take them is probably much lower. Make of that what you will folks, big pharma would like to inspect your colon for something else they can sell you, and that’s all I have to say about it. Talk it over with your spouse for a bit while your pediatrician asks if he can put your kid on Ritalin. I’m gonna jam out to a Taintstick cover of a J-Lo song.

 

So, for a change of pace and a spot of good news, The Awesome Guide to Life is a best seller in Canada! Just proving that no ornery uptight Texan bitch who can’t take a joke or take in all the information contained in a complete sentence is gonna stop that book from being a success. Tully found a news story but Jason has more important news, namely that there’s drug dealers camping out in front of his house on the regular. Apparently, these assholes have been parking right at the front of his house leaving cigarette butts and dead hookers all over the front porch when there’s a perfectly good public trash can not more than 30 feet away. Luckily though, Jason called the cops and they didn’t give the slightest fraction of a fuck because nobody was getting shot in the face and there was no money for the city to make off it. Jason did a guest spot on Adam Carolla’s podcast last night, and although it was probably great for most of us to listen to, he didn’t feel like it was his best work, cause he was tired and hungry and jacked up on coffee way later at night than he’s used to. The guys talked for a while about all the dynamics of radio hosts doing appearances on each other’s shows and how some of them have chemistry and some of them don’t, no matter how much they may like each other’s work, sometimes the two of them just don’t make all that interesting of a pair. It’s like mixing sushi and spaghetti, you might like each on their own, but they aren’t the bet pair, no matter how much of a failing wasted college student you might be. The guys took some calls on it and the general consensus is that Jason did a better job than he thinks, but the producer guy talking about his friend who got burned alive really fucked up the whole ambiance of the show. Speaking of people and bad radio, a Playboy model is suing a radio show for a mishap that happened during an appearance where she let the host tee a golf ball off her ass and the fucking moron swinging the club smacked her across the ass with a 3 wood cause morning terrestrial radio sucks and can’t think of anything good to do, so they have shitty hosts think of what might be funny to the lowest common denominator of their listening audience and hope for the best between playing 40 minute commercial free sets of the same three songs you were already sick of hearing within seconds when they first came out three months ago. Tully occasionally drives past the studio on weekends and sometimes when his belly is still warm from that latte he just drank, he gets a hankering to get on the air and ramble for an hour and a half, and if you call then great, and if not, you can listen to him talk hair metal and recap an NBA game. The guys took some calls and did some talking about Cumtard’s performance for his new lady friend yesterday when he had a belly full of scotch and green eggs and onions and I missed the part where he might have vomited on somebody, but it sounds like it was funny to listen to and depressing to watch and painful to live through if your name is Cumtard, and maybe Pendarvis tried to derail the whole thing, but it still happened so there you go. Everybody hashed it all out and Kevin is thinking that Hardcore the intern may be on to something with the whole not drinking thing that he does, and WILSON came in to let the guys know that he would never pull the show off the air, unless someone’s safety was at risk or New York squeezed his nuts especially hard without giving him a good sweet kiss first. Pendarvis has apparently been given trophies for how good of a job he does managing his radio stations, and the guys had to bust his ass for a really long time about this cause, I mean, come on, butt judge extraordinaire, imperial death march, Hate Bean, those shins (my god, those shins SWOON!). Pretty much the only award WILSON couldn’t win was a cookie eating contest when he was a kid, which pretty much set him up to become the man he is today, not quite fat but not really in shape, a little strange but generally a nice guy, can string together a sentence but avoids answering questions, ladies and gentlemen, Wilson Pendarvis the Third. Let’s all take a minute to revel in his glory and regroup.

 

AUSSIE NEWS YA CUNTS!!! There’s a video floating around from some drunk wanker who wants you to know exactly how you can go about catching a kangaroo wearing nothing but an emu costume. And speaking of hunting animals, DONALD SCHULTZ IS BACK!!! Okay, so maybe he doesn’t hunt in the traditional sense of the word, but you feel my inflection, mother fuckers. So, the guys watched this video of this Australian fucker, and he’s pretty much THE negative stereotype of Australians. He sounds like a complete hick and he basically spends his days sexually harassing roadkill and making puppets out of the carcasses for internet video fame. Jason and the crew took a good few minutes to ridicule the shit out of this guy cause anybody who would wear a dead emu to try and catch a kangaroo, then lets himself get kicked in the face by aforementioned kangaroo, really doesn’t deserve to reproduce and should be endlessly mocked for his hillbilliness. The guys talked for a while about how there’s more women in Australia than men, and how people in Japan have simply stopped having sex or even genuine human interaction, which gave Tully the great idea that there needs to be a video game where you wake up in a dark room, silently pondering your erection and must find something to do with it or else humanity will end as we know it. The guys kicked around ideas for new ways that Schultz could spice up his sex life with his fiance and basically the only logical move is fucking on the serengeti with a backdrop of lions and other wild predators. Donald has been keeping himself busy as of late, he’s not base jumping anymore, but still goes wing suiting, just not off of mountainsides or anything like that. He’s also been working with Nitro Circus and that hobbit that got his own BBC nature show. The guys did a bit of logistical work on the biggest loser fight that’s gonna be happening at the next EllisMania. This was quickly sidetracked however, and it just went back to a bunch of general random bullshit that was certainly funny but not cohesive enough to make a series of full sentences about. Donald Schultz relayed the story that Chelsea Handler is an absolute cockoholic and without a doubt she fucks all of her animal handler guests, and since I can’t help but believe this, I won’t say “allegedly.” She seems like the type of lady that would totally pull some indecent proposal shit on a sweet, naive, innocent, south African animal wrangler. Donald talked a while about the illegal tiger trade and how Texans are really fucking up the curve for the rest of us and then selling the tigers back to China to make aphrodesiacs with, which is stupid because eating an animal’s penis does not give you their power, a la Highlander Quickening style. This brought the guys back to the topic of Chelsea Handler’s big money vagina and how she would probably light cigars with hundred dollar bills while parading you around the house with a leash and making you eat the pussy at her beck and call. Donald was hobnobbing with Charlize Theron and she tried to get some of her South African roots back up in her, but Donald is a stand up guy and made it very clear that his girlfriend was right there in the room and he’s not fuckin’ around cause she’s South African too and she would cut a bitch and set her on fire. Jane Goodall is in the news because she alleges that Michael Jackson’s former pet monkey Bubbles was an abused animal and MJ was just as disconnected from reality as we all know he was. Jane Goodall also fully believes in Bigfoot, just proving that the internet and celebrity media system has pretty much driven all of them completely insane. But hey, at least there’s totally fictional ghost hunter shows on a network that claims to produce nothing but historically factual TV shows. There was some more ‘Squatch talk, cause the president of Canada needs all the air time he can get, what with the election cycle coming around again soon and all. The guys took a break but when they come back, they’ve got a hell of a crowd participation game for all of us.

 

So, alcoholic monkeys. It’s totally a real thing. I’ve also heard of junkie monkeys from a friend of mine who grew up in India. They would gather at the river next to a pharmaceutical manufacturing plant and get lit the fuck up off the opium polluted water. True story, Google it. So, a lady named Jayme Foxx (no relation to the comedian) stopped by to hang out and talk with the guys a bit. She’s got a TV show on CMT called Tattoo Titans where tattoo artists compete for cash and prizes or some such shit. And luckily, it’s not another reality show, just a regular game show, so nobody’s hovering over everyone’s shoulder to see if they fuck or fight or fight two people fucking or fuck two people fighting. Jayme talked for a while about how she doesn’t hate country music, but if the corporation tells her to listen to it, you’ll never see a bigger smile on a person’s face while they’re hearing the shite that country music has become. The guys got started on this crowd sourcing game they had where they wanted the listeners to get in contact with the show and let them know what their signature move is in bed. Jayme was doing her best to help weed out the good ones and the snake oil, but I just gotta tell you, some of you guys are way too old to still be acting like you’re in middle school with some of these tricks, and some of you are just as fucked up and twisted as I strive to be, and that none of us should reproduce, so whatever your move is, wrap it up or learn how to pull out properly. That goes double for the guy who called in to tell us that you need to fish hook your lady’s vag with your tongue sticking in her asshole. We also heard from a lady who said that alka-seltzer on the clit is a champion move, just make sure you don’t use too much right off the bat or you can make your lady’s box catch on fire. There were more calls on fun tricks for eating pussy that almost sound like your cannibalizing someone from the uterus out, but some ladies called in to give their two cents on how to properly gorge on that pole. And really, aside from all the special techniques you might use, just don’t dodge the load, ladies. It’s offensive. It makes us feel like you don’t respect the dick. And we thrive on people respecting our dick. And since so many of us are the MacGuyver of eating poontang, it’s only fair you could return the favor at least a little bit. This whole thing went on for a good 45 minutes and you can probably find all of it in Cosmo or Playboy, so I doubt we learned anything that isn’t available in a million other places, but if you’re like me and enjoy surprising the vagina, it would be worth hitting up the on-demand and taking some notes. Just don’t put the Stone-Cold-Stunner on your lady after cumming in her ass and then draw pictures of stuff on her unconscious face. A suplex or a rear naked choke will do the job a whole lot better.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers. ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/11/14

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HAPPY THREE ELEVEN DAY YUU GGGUUUUUIIISSSSSSSEEEE!!!!! I’M GONNA CELEBRATE BY MASTURBATING TO JAPANESE CARTOONS FROM THE EARLY NINETIES!!! HOW ARE YOU GONNA PROFESS YOUR LOVE FOR THIS TERRIBLE SUBLIME-RIP-OFF BAND?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!! Well, no matter what you’re doing, you can start by listening to a man who absolutely despises 311, and that’s JASON FUCKIN’ ELLIS!!! Today’s show started with Jason coming to grips with the fact that at a certain age, you just can’t bounce back from fighting off predators the way you can when you’re younger. Katie is starting to get way into training MMA, and is quickly becoming Jason’s greatest predator, which is not the worst thing ever, but does led to some aches and pains in the morning. What Jason has noticed most though, is that she’s keeping her pace a lot better when they’re training together than he is. Long and short of it, if it was a match between one of them and a vending machine that won’t give up the Fritos, my money’s on the girl. Tully has been noticing the same thing when it comes to drinking. Aside from the whole “having a kid and wife” thing, he just knows he can’t get ripped the fuck up like he used to. Same goes for everyone else who’s still letting the pharmaceutical industry keep feeding them bullshit by the barrel in a wrapping that declares it will make you a normal person. It all boils down to the fact that the older you get, the more work you have to do to earn your fun. If you wanna beat the brakes off your liver and kidneys and fight a hooker for being too aggressive with the blowjob and chase the cops into a ditch for a savage gangland style ketamine party, you should probably make sure your room’s clean and all the dishes are done first. Juder McDuder came by to hang out for a bit. He took an AIDS test the other day and came back clean as a whistle, which is always good to hear. He went to the gay clinic though, so there was some Q-tipping in the ass as a part of the complete workup. After Tully heard that, he got the idea that maybe Q-tips are the next step after baby wipes, cause not everyone can fist themselves with a handful of wipes wrapped around their hand. Tully had to fire his kid’s pediatrician just about the same time Ellis had to fire his dentist, and both for the same reasons, they were just shitty medical practitioners. Tully almost kicked a hairdresser in the cunt cause he went in for a trim and these LA bitches be assuming that everybody is trying to get made over into Brad Pitt or something, and then to top it off he found a dentist and before they would even inspect his teeth they start trying to sell him a whitening package. Ellis has heard enough of all this shit, and decided that he’s just gonna start getting every reference for any service he possibly can from Joel Madden, cause he seems to get shit handled pretty well. Jude had to fire his house cleaner a while ago cause she kept accidentally cleaning up his drugs and leaving windows open and shit. But it’s really kind of his own fault for being so comfortably numb. Jude and Ellis talked for a while about the ins and outs of working at Sirius and how there’s definitely some dumb shit that goes on in the corporate structure, but it is still a good company. And since normal radio is essentially a god damn waste unless you’re waiting for a notification of which fallout shelter to go to in the event of a nuclear attack, then it would make good sense for SXM to get their shit together and drop the Jamie Foxx channel. Ellis found out that Andrea’s new boyfriend is a Persian Jew, and the guys had to explain to him why that’s not a bad thing or a weird thing, but actually pretty normal. Basically, kill your local fundamentalist who’s working on taking over a country, no matter what their religion is. They’re just gonna do it wrong and make a big fiasco out of it. If they’re standing on their front porch on a Wednesday morning telling you what their god is pissed at you for doing that you have no problem with and none of your friends care about either, you should go over and bust his head with a huge fucking rock. I’m not anti-religion, I’m just anti-loudmouthed-biased-shithead-with-nothing-better-to-do. Andrea also somehow got it in her head that Ellis didn’t like Jewish people and he had to let her know that the only reason he could have to hate her boyfriend sight unseen is if he was a rollerblader. But that’s not important cause RUDE JUDE’S BOOK HYENA JUST GOT PICKED UP BY A REAL PUBLISHER AND THEY’RE GONNA CRANK OUT A MASSIVE FUCKLOAD OF THEM!!! You’re welcome, Jude, glad to do my part. Was a lot of fun to read and I’m glad it’s turning out well for you. The guys talked for a while about living under a dictatorship in post revolutionary Argentina (cause sometimes that’s just where stuff goes) which brings me back to my point about smashing fundamentalist skulls. Remember when Iranian women wore loose, flowing dresses and were allowed to go to college? I bet you don’t. Y’know why? Mmhhmm, not enough skull wrecking where and when it needed to be done. You should also punch white people who think it’s alright for them to use the N-word in casual conversation with their non black friends. They got it coming too. This brought Jason to asking “If we can’t all get along, how about we all have more orgies?” and that really does seem like the solution. Call me crazy, but letting your neighbor bang your wife while you bang your friend’s cousin just seems like the way to start breaking down all those walls. Walls that will soon be splattered with jism. Somehow, this made the conversation turn to when it’s OK to commit murder, and how no matter what the conditions of it are, it’s the type of thing an insane person does, not just somebody who’s a criminal, but then again we still have to treat it as a crime and not just give somebody a pass for having shitty parents. I sorta missed most of this and couldn’t really follow it from the middle on out, but there were phone calls and intelligent debate on the subject and a very silent “fuck whitey” seemed to be floating through the whole conversation. Especially Germans, they seem to be the most interested in murder out of all the honky European countries. Somehow the topic switched to old western movies and Jason went on a tangent about how cowboys are a pack of morons that need to learn some impulse control and the Natives were some sweet mellow ass mother fuckers. Let’s just let that marinate for a while and contemplate why Canada is better and you should all feel very ashamed of your heritage. Unless you’re black, y’all had a rough go of it, there’s no grudge to be had there. But still, go to Canada, they’ll treat you better. Malcolm X would cosign y’all eating poutine and drinking Molsen.

 

Don’t miss the date, Jason is gonna be doing another book signing at the San Diego Harley Davidson dealer and he might go stunting on a soft tail in the parking lot, or just take a picture with you in a chokehold. Tully found a news story about a family that was terrorized by their own cat. And not like they had a domesticated panther, just a regular cat. It really goes to show you, dogs truly are better and cats are definitely planning to kill you at their earliest convenience. You’re still kind of a wanker if you can’t defend yourself against a house cat though. Even an 18 pound house cat is still a bitch and you could easily take it one on one. The guys took a tour of some new buttons they had and there were quite a few pretty good ones from Cumtard, Pendarvis, Dr. Drew, and some lady who may or may not have been that porn star that Cumtard had sex with, and many more. In testing all these new buttons, the guys noticed there’s some editing problems because there’s some sort of echo on everything that everybody except WILSON could hear. So, it looks like the new studio is quickly turning into the same ramshackled shithole that Swinghouse was, and as a long time fan, it just wouldn’t be the same without technical difficulties. It adds that certain charm, like when you’ve owned the same car for a long time and have that perfect ass divot worn into the seat and the gearshift has deteriorated into the exact shape of the inside of your closed fist. A guy called in to talk about how he got his throat raped by mother nature when he got trapped in an avalanche and that shit was hilarious cause they just couldn’t stop making blow job references to this guy’s impending doom. Another guy called in to let he guys know that he just broke up with his girlfriend and he’s on the prowl for some snow ‘tang, just as long as the bitch doesn’t come with a metric fuck tonne of emotional baggage looking for some long term support. Homeboy needed to have a bitch and moan session for a bit, but the guys talked him off the ledge and let him know that he ain’t wrong and shit is gonna get better, just don’t turn no rebound pussy into a 3 hour tour. Tully found a story from a sports writer at the New Yorker about how it feels to be 96 years old and this brought the conversation around to the question of just how fucked up can your balls get when you’re incredibly fucking old. This one time, at tard school, Kevin farted in an empty orange juice bottle and got one of his friends to sniff it and he stank was so rank that the guy vomited. Apparently, this is not Cumtard’s first foray into farting on/for people, he once laid his asshole directly on his buddy’s face and cracked one off. A nurse called in to talk about how old man balls really are just as terrifying as you might think, and probably worse for the guy they’re hanging off of. And everyone thinks boxers are better and I’m a weirdo cause I like to keep my nuts supported, well the joke’s on you fuckers cause you’re all gonna trip over your testicles and break a hip on your way out to grab the paper and I’m gonna have wonderful balls that all the nursing home staff are gonna be pleased to clean shit and piss off of when I’m ancient and invalid to the point of requiring a syringe full of paste to be shot into my mouth so I don’t starve to death. Then again, having a little sag would be cool, cause if you’re fucking someone doggy style it’ll create an off-rhythm slapping effect against the clit and that’s a game changer. And if the chick you’re banging is just as old and weathered, and her tits are hanging low enough, you could cake it to the next level of nipple play when your testes start slapping the titties around like a proper 1970’s pimp to his most disrespectful hoes. Another nurse called in to talk about one patient he had who would go into kidney failure and his body would release all this fluid anywhere it could and enough of it would collect in his ball sack that the fuckers would grow to the size of a cantaloupe and need to be drained, but still doing permanent damage and giving the guy a permanent set of wind chimes at the knees. Kevin Googled fucked up testicles and found some pics of a testicle tuck, and it’s basically another pointless plastic surgery that only the rich and stupid with poor self esteem could possibly be interested in. If you really wanna fix them up, get electrolysis but just on the top part, then pump them full of botox until they’re smooth as eggs, and tattoo a couple gangster faces on them so you got thug balls. Then, you’re pretty much guaranteed that any girl who would even look at them, will certainly suck them. A caller let the guys know that if you let yourself get really fat and then lose the weight, your balls are gonna probably knock against your ankles by the time you’re 80. Some people on the twitter made mention of a technique known as “ball ironing” to give the balls a smoother, younger appearance, which is usually done at the same time your pissing thousands of dollars away on a “scrotal lift.” Hey, if you can sell it and that profit goes to something that makes the world a better place, then go for it. Another retirement home worker called in to report that the elderly and incapacitated are having crazy amounts of sex and it’s pretty much impossible to avoid seeing a pair of horrifically dangling balls slapping against a droopy pancake ass. And STD’s run rampant there, so it ain’t just gonna be bedsores, but herpes lesions as well. Hope you’re already hard at work digesting your dinner folks, cause if not, it’s gonna come back up real quick. Moving on from the balls, Tully found some medical stories about people having extreme plastic surgery. One guy had a shitload of oil pumped into his arms and instead of looking shredded, he just looks like Popeye with bodybuilder tits. How’s that steak taste the second time around? It’s cool, I’ll give you a couple minutes to go grab a bucket.

 

A guy in New Zealand got a letter from the government that said he needed to renew his passport, but noticed that they made a typo on his name. Specifically, that his name was “Full Metal Havoc More Sexy And Intelligent Than Spock And All The Superheroes Combined With Frost Nova” and of course, that actually is his legal name due to the fact that he lost a bet and had to change his name. Someone sent Tully an infomercial about something called the “Rainbow Sponge” and the lady pitching it is not really selling the sponges as much as trying to get her art career off the ground and maybe have an orgasm in the process cause painting on camera really gets the girl juice flowing for this particular wench. And in perfect time, Jason played the Lou-Tallica “I Am The Table” riff and it could not have fit more perfectly. I’m glad that’s still on the button bar, it needs to be used every once in a while so we all remember how well it fits as a soundtrack to really bizarre shit that makes no sense. The guys talked for a while about Gina Carano possibly coming back to the ring to finish out her contract and how her acting career sure as hell isn’t doing any better so why the fuck not? There was a bit more MA talk since the welter-weight belt is up for grabs this weekend, but fuck all that cause Brian Posehn is in the studio today! Right off the bat, the guys hashed out how to evolve the AIDS and Rape burp phenomenon and basically, if you don’t want to seem like a dick in front of new people, add “research” after AIDS and “Whistle” after rape, and all of a sudden you’re a fucking philanthropist and hot bitches will fuck you. Brian has been keeping up with his comedy work after the backlash of talking a little good natured shit about Insane Clown Posse and being ostracized by the Juggalos. Ellis tried to get Brian more acquainted with Cumtard because they’re both massive potheads who like metal and comic books. They also have severe self-deprecation issues but have learned how to make it work for themselves. the guys talked family and dogs and what a piece of shit car Tom Green is driving that he’s way too proud of and it’s nowhere near as good as Brian’s hybrid SUV. After all that Brian and Jason got into a discussion about metal and how the trend is coming back around to actually sing clearly and that’s a really good thing cause the cookie monster shit is way overdone and wasn’t particularly good to start with. After all this talk of metal, Jason decided to introduce Brian to the wonder that is HateBean, and he was entirely confused but seemed to be willing to buy the album if it ever actually comes out. The guys had a game of shock Pictionary for Brian to play with Cumtard in his corner. The pictures and guesses and such were hard to guess for all of us listening at home, but after Mark McGrath’s scathing accusation that everything’s rigged in Tully’s favor, it was refreshing to hear him get electrocuted and try to draw things. Take that McGrath, right in your sugar coated butthole. Cumtard knows how to scream too, and win or lose it’s always nice to bring new people into the fold of electrocuting the fuck out of people for everyone else’s amusement. After the game Jason and Brian traded speeding ticket stories, due to the fact that Brian got a ticket on the way to the studio today. After a cop called in to give Jason some get out of  ticket free cards, he got the idea to actually use them by renting a Lamborghini next time he’s in New York and boiling the tires clean off it in Times Square with both doors open and Chicago blasting on the stereo, just to use the card when the police come to pound his spleen out. The guys took some phone calls and considering how much weed Brian Posehn smokes, his fans certainly do not surprise me in the quality of content. The guys talked some more about metal after Brian noticed that there may have been a Hatebreed riff in one of the bumpers. Then they talked about the rise and fall of the band Lost Prophets and how every band that sucks needs to meet a similar end. The guys dissected how it is that four people can agree to become the shittiest band in history and just how the fuck do people come up with their on stage diatribes between songs without sounding like they’re regurgitating someone else? Some more callers displayed how high they were this afternoon and give Brian praise for his work on the Sarah Silverman show. Kevin had to come in and retell the farting in the orange juice bottle after a caller rehashed the story of a bit that Brian did on the Sarah Silverman show where he and his man-wife find a jar that they farted in when they were kids and the fart is still in it, so then they go on a quest to fart on anything and everything they can. Final calls were mostly just accolades mixed with Brian and Jason talking about vinyl hunting and metal and how utterly fucked it was when the lead singer of Lamb Of God had to go to jail in Prague because some fan died in the pit at a festival. Before finishing out the show, Brian was getting a little too modest about his ability to knock out Glenn Danzig, so the guys decided to fish the punch pad out from behind the couch and Brian scored a respectable 34, just above the lovely Tara Patrick, who we all know can’t fight after her and SSSAAAAAMMMMMM’s stellar performance at EM9. Ellis thought it would be a great TV bit to send Brian out to random people’s houses to start digging in their backyard like they’re gonna get buried there, just to see people’s reactions. All in all, a very successful day.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,