It’s another one of those wonderful days where somehow I am the center of everyone’s universe and they all have way fewer problems than they think but they still won’t take responsibility for any of them and there’s this mysterious liquid that may or may not be rain falling from the sky and the fax machine is a cunt and so is your mum and the system continues to fuck us all in the ass just a little bit harder with a handful of rusty brake shavings as lube, but all of that means nothing cause it’s almost lunch time and the Jason Ellis show is on! And it started with some lovely music for destruction and mayhem, the mighty Machine Head! Who I enjoy just as much as Tony Sly and the late great Oderus Urungus! #YeahThatsAStabAtYouEmilyButItsAllInGoodFun Anyways, the show today got underway with Jason telling us all how it’s just ridiculous that there isn’t a gaggle of ladies lined up to provide some good clean audio for the current “chicks with kettle bells sounding like they might be enjoying some dick” intro the show has been using for the last couple months. I was finishing off a sandwhich, so I missed the finer points of this conversation, but there was some talk about cleaning your asshole and WILSON was brought into the studio to once again be outed for being incredibly creepy around anything with tits and a naughty vag. If you were at the book signing this past weekend at the new San Diego Harley Davidson dealership, you probably met Tiger and Devin and contributed to their best weekend ever, as they told Andrea they had. While we’re on the topic of Jason’s kids, Tully got to thinking of how he would feel if someone tried to buy Linsanity for a billion dollars. Admittedly, he would consider it, but would always say no. But he’ll hear your offers. But always say no. But he won’t turn you away at the door. Just sayin’ folks. If you want a McGook baby, there’s a guy who will entertain offers. Somehow WILSON went way to far and brought the conversation around to shitting on children or porn stars, and it all just fell apart after that. With all that done though, the guys let everyone know that you can leave video messages on Skype for the talent show on Friday, or read the lines for the intro and maybe get immortalized on radio for twenty seconds once a day for a couple weeks. Jude stopped by to let the guys know that a billion dollars is a great offer cause in other parts of the word your parents could trade you off for a goat or a basket of seeds or some shit. Jude did some reminiscing on his days at the Jenny Jones show when they had an episode called “too fat to wear that” and another time when a lady claimed she had a third nipple but then got caught in a lie and the producers sent her ass home on a Greyhound and told her not to come back. Jason got to sit in between tapings of Good Day LA and there was some talk show where a 14 year old girl with a ridiculous underbite got pregnant and was yelling at her parents or some such shit like that which was probably sensational afternoon TV for the stay at home absentee parent in all of us. Jude recalled all the times when the Jenny Jones crew went out to recruit guests and they would redecorate people’s houses and give them dental work and shit just to try and make them more like the everyman rather than the link that refuses to stay missing. Jason retold a story about when he was in Panama and somebody told him that whenever a rich guy builds a nice house, the locals would steal all the drywall, faucets and wiring out of the place before anybody had a chance to move in. Just goes to show you, in the third world, wealth isn’t celebrated quite the same way as it is here, and the movies are all probably correct in the way they portray it, like in Fast and Furious 5! That’s right folks, Vin Diesel will steal your shit in a stolen, modified police version Dodge Charger if your bank account gets too big for your britches. Jude almost got in a fight at the movie theater during the Wolf of Wall Street, but had to dial it back cause it was Christmas morning and he was with his mom, but shit wouldn’t have rolled like that if the situation was different. Seriously folks, Jude’s mom can’t be around to keep him from stomping on your throat all the time, learn how to turn your phone off. The guys all talked for a while about the military industrial complex and how some people are prewired to go off and kill shit, but you can’t complain if you signed up for it and now the VA isn’t doing anything for you. Come on, we all know a belligerent homeless ‘Nam vet, what the fuck else can you expect? Springsteen wrote a song called “Born in the USA”, ever wonder what that shit’s about? Just sayin, you’re never gonna grow up to be the next Jonah Hill if you get your legs blown off for the Bush family to make a slightly better markup on crude oil. The guys talked a bit about imaginary friends and how they’re not always gonna bring up repressed memories that you should know abut, sometimes they’re just gonna put a bug in your ear to go all “Son Of Sam” around the streets of New York. Jude talked for a while about how fast food workers really do hate you as much as they hate showing up to work at their soul crushing minimum wage anti-potential jobs everyday. Bah-dant-dant-DANT-DANT!!! I’m resigned to failure! Great new jingle, McDonalds, now fucking pay me already. Ain’t like I don’t have a 4 pound tumor of undigested fries wedged against my pancreas from all the years I was a delivery driver and ate that crap all the time. The guys dissected the fizzled career of the girl from that movie “Just One Of The Guys” and it’s pretty clear that if she’s not a lesbian, she’s at least gotta be an alcoholic by now, cause the wall has certainly been hit by that woman and her job. Don’t forget to check out Jude on the Foreally show, and also boycott his show so that he can get a better job on a different station. Or not, everything doesn’t need to be a “cause” to start making drama about.
So, have you ever seen a white guy in blackface? How about a black guy in whiteface? Now, I’ve seen Birth of a Nation (it was for a film studies class in high school, relax), but Nick Cannon has recently put out an album called “white people party music” and one of the publicity photos he made for it is himself in whiteface. Now, blackface is bad because it was used to perpetuate stereotypes and as a tool for propaganda, since no one would ever hire a black person for any purpose at all back in the day and it only made since to rub charcoal all over some honky’s face and make him do the jitterbug, however us cracka’ ass cracka’s can’t really get too offended at whiteface cause we enslaved an entire race of people for 400 years and then perpetuated a government system which continues to bar them from real opportunities even to this day, so when somebody hashtags #GoodCredit #CreamCheese, I’m honestly not offended. Nobody gave Dave Chappelle any shit for all the times he put on whiteface for characters on The Chappelle show. Remember folks, there’s racism that’s all in good fun, and then there’s cultural subjugation, and the two are very different and it’s worth learning a thing or two about history and the people you’re making jokes to if you’re gonna say certain things that might cause a rift with your audience. As far as Nick Cannon goes, I could honestly give a fuck what that guy does, I’ve never really liked any of his work, so if MTV2 ever runs out of reruns of Wild’n Out to cram into a Saturday afternoon, it’s not gonna hurt my couch potatoing for a god damn second. Besides, not all white people have good credit. I can’t even get a fucking Discover card, and I’ve never had one red cent of credit or debt to my name and I’ve been a taxpayer with an uninterrupted full time job for almost 15 years, so suck it, Cannon. Butt fuck all that shit, cause it’s time for another amazing round of TARD THAT TUNE!!! AKA THE BEST GOD DAMN SET OF RINGTONES THAT I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO DOWNLOAD OFF OF SOUNDCLOUD WHENEVER HARDCORE GETS OFF HIS ASS AND UPLOADS IT!!! OR MAYBE IT’S JETTA’S JOB, I’M NOT REALLY SURE!!! MAYBE TULLY SQUEEZES IT IN BETWEEN TRAIN TRACK PLAYTIME WITH LINSANITY WHEN HE’S NOT TAKING BIDS ON OWNERSHIP OF HIS OFFSPRING!!! Much like the last time, I can’t possibly relate the awesomeness of this segment in words, but I can give you track list of everything that got tarded this week, and the list is as follows:
The B52’s – Rock Lobster
ZZ Top – La Grange
Daniel Powter – Bad Day (I had almost forgotten this song existed and was quite happy about that, thanks and go fuck yourself, Kevin!!!)
Alice In Chains – The Rooster
C&C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat
Dire Straits – Money For Nothing
Gary Numan – Cars
Snap – Rhythm Is A Dancer
Rod Stewart – Young Hearts
Tears For Fears – Everybody Wants to Rule the World
Steppenwolf – Magic Carpet Ride
And finally, for absolutely no good reason at all, the theme song from Sanford and Son
While the rest of us started plotting Kevin’s murder for bringing back so many musical atrocities that should have stayed buried in the sands of time, the guys put the call out for the audience to call in for a new segment called “What’s wrong with you?” in which you can presumably call in and let the listening audience know about all your issues, physical, psychological, sexual, dietary, whatever may be really wrong with you. Tully, for example, can hold a grudge from beyond the grave, even if you forget that you ever met him. Will, on the other hand, is a treasure trove of neuroses and imperfections, so after a break, let’s dig into him for a bit.
Pat Barry is no longer fighting in the UFC, but he has taken it upon himself to become a vigilante firefighter/nightclub bouncer. But nevermind that, WILSON is a sloppy fucking hemorrhoid stain on the taint region of humanity’s tighty whiteys, and the guys took some time to explore that, as well as ask the callers their opinions on WILSON and themselves. The first caller was a guy who is a self proclaimed nymphomaniac who saw some shit in the Navy that would turn an average mother fucker white, and not that Nick Cannon white, I’m talking Ghostbusters 2 white. Next guy called in to let the guys know that there’s a local radio station in Toronto that does this same bit, and also that he fucks his own belly button. After that was a guy who has horrible self esteem and tries way too hard to please all his family and friends, and they’re not doing a whole lot to try and stop him, like a pack of good little codependents and enablers. Next guy called in to tell the story of one time when he got in a brawl with his dad and fucked him up like a gang territory fight, but he kind of asked for it by being such a shitty abusive dad. Another guy caught his wife sexting his neighbor, so he went out to the strip club and tossed a dancer’s salad for a cool minute and will probably do it again cause the relationship is pretty much over. Next guy who called in said too many people fall in love with him, which wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t a smooth sensual Latin mother fucker. I understand, Manny, I understand, you’re from central/south America, you’re a desirable commodity. After the guys scared off Manny with their unwelcome advances, a guy called in to tell the guys that his wife got him a doll a few years back to help with his depression, he’s now gone completely apeshit and owns over 300 dolls, complete with tea parties and makeovers and all the shit that might be done with them by a five year old girl, and here’s the kicker, x-rated doll photo sessions. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, guys, you’re probably not as fucked up as you think. Next caller was short, fat, bald and lived in his parent’s basement. Maybe not the doll guy, but certainly worth a segment called “What’s Wrong With You?” After that poor bastard was a guy who admittedly has a really small penis when it’s flaccid, but after the guys found out it’s slightly above average when hard the guys let him know to use it more often and stop complaining about problems that he doesn’t actually have. Next up was a 22 year old guy who doesn’t have a driver’s license, and not cause of the environment or living in the city, but just cause he’s afraid of driving. Go karts, dude, go karts. You’ll be fine. NEXT CALLER moved to Florida to be with a chick, only to get sick of her and move back to be with his first lady, and now he’s getting sick of her, and it’s been like this for a long ass time. He’s just a guy who’s in love with falling in love, much like The Mowgli’s, who I’m sure would be happy to drag him along on their next tour cause they really are some of the friendliest guys ever. Next guy called to ask if it was OK that his wife asked him to piss inside her vag while they were fucking, and while it may not be dangerous per se, it is still weird as all fuck. Next one down the line was a guy who hallucinates monsters all the time, basically anything in his peripheral vision turns into some sort of creature from beyond. Next guy called in to say that he just can’t get off without a well placed finger in the ass, and it’s causing some problems trying to keep a long term relationship. Then we heard from a guy who is a self proclaimed judgmental asshole, kind of like me, a total nice guy who just hates a massive percentage of the population. Another person called in to let the guys know that he’s basically skirting the line between being a transvestite and getting some gender reassignment procedures underway. This call culminated in Tully inventing the “dick-clit”, a sexual move for everyone who wants to know what it would be like to have lesbian sex, sort of. The next caller keeps loaning money to his relatives, and they can’t stop asking for it wither. Next one on the phone says that every time he moves in to a new apartment, he get’s a visit from the Gordon’s fish stick mascot. Just one time, not like a haunting, but it always happens just one time per new residence. Tully had a similar experience, every so often Aunt Jemima appears masturbating at the foot of his bed. Mmmmm pancakes. Next up was a guy who said he’s just never happy, so the guys recommended he follow WILSON on Instagram and learn how to appreciate what he’s got. The guys decided to quit while they were ahead at this point, cause the fans are obviously more fucked up than they have time to get through in one afternoon.
So tomorrow Juliana Pena is coming back on the show, so if you liked hearing her last time, get ready for another hit off that glass dick of female MMA fighters. Tully found some new music from Corey Feldman, and if “Ascension Millennium” didn’t satisfy your boner for absolute shite that a washed up child star is only cranking out to desperately cling to fame now that his hetero life mate died from a drug overdose, well the new video and the song that goes with it is an equal if not greater example of how some people really need to fuck off into obscurity like the kid that played Anakin Skywalker in the first Star Wars prequel. It’s fair to note that he’s essentially fellating the essence directly from Michael Jackson’s corpse to try and add some style and class to this song, however that kid with cancer who took him to court for sexual assault seems to have gotten it all (ever notice how weak that cancer got the longer that court case went on? Just sayin, folks…). The guys discussed for a while whether or not Corey’s Angels are hanging out voluntarily or if they’re victims of the international sex trade, or if he is possibly the ringleader in some sort of “have hot bitches hanging around to boost your self esteem” type of business. A former roommate of one of Corey’s Angels called in to give the guys a little info on the whole thing, apparently it actually is some real live polyamorous shit going down at the Feldman house, so I guess the joke’s on all of us. Or not, I don’t need 8 ladies PMSing around me all the time and having a Feldman haircut sounds like a god damn nightmare, and from the outside looking in it still looks like a pretty crazy relationship between two or more crazy fucking people. Another guy called in to tell the guys about when his band opened for Corey at some show and it was some of the most ridiculous shit ever and now Tully has volunteered Death!Death!Die! to do a show with him. Tully also found a new track from Metallica that they did for a Dio tribute album, and much like their track “Mercyful Fate” which was several Mercyful Fate covers all strung together, they’ve pretty much done it again in the same vein, only this time in tribute to the Holy Diver himself, the late great RJD. The guys discussed Metallica for a bit and how most bands who’ve been at it as long as they have probably isn’t gonna pound out all the same style and energy of stuff that drove them to stardom in the first place. There were some final calls and stuff, and it wasn’t the same kind of absolute shit that it has been in the past, so good for the audience for beating back the throngs of listener idiocy that drives our dear friend Jetta crazy every single day. The power of Odin and Corey Feldmen compels me, and may the Flying Spaghetti Monster be with you all.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,