I promise the whole funk. The plain funk. Nothing but the funk! Nothing but the dawg in meeeeeeeee!!! Sorry, I had to. When the mood strikes, you just gotta let your inner black man out. Anyhow, good afternoon everybody. I hope your last bowel movement was a cleansing one. The show started today with Ellis telling us how hard it is to be a ho in Los Angeles. Almost as hard if you’re a customer. Gotta be a MAN if you’re gonna be selling that pussy. Or if you’re gonna be doing some anal rape. Not that we’re encouraging anal rape or anything. Tully admitted that Tom Cruise is still a very pretty man and he would definitely take a load to the grille from him. Ellis thinks Cruise is on steroids, but Tully thinks that there’s no way. Tom is way too good and wholesome for that. Stallone on the other hand is chock full of them, there’s just no fucking way he’s that old and still in that kind of shop. So take some roids, so you can make the ladies happy and the world will be a better place. You might just save your marriage. This led to some talk about whether or not people who are having relationship problems “aren’t firing on all cylinders” as Rawdog put it. Gotta keep the sex interesting so you’ll work harder and keep your kids in a decent living situation. And if you’re really late to the game of marriage and kids, you might just be fucking your golden years really hard and not know it until it’s too late to not be that creepy guy at the club lurking on ladies half your age. Ellis is planning on getting Rawdog into the extreme sport of quadding, headband on the radio and all. And if you’re a longtime fan like a lot of people, you know that Rawdog getting hurt is some of the most entertaining shit ever. It would be made all the better if the dog gets on the roids too, all shredded and backne and endless small jump failure. Some guy called in to back up the steroid argument. Well, actually testosterone, but pretty much the same thing. He said it saved his life, and you can’t really argue with those kinds of results. Ellis is on testosterone too, and said it definitely works for him, but he’s probably not getting the most out of it cause he doesn’t need to use his body as much now that he’s not officially a pro athlete. He has been getting into running a lot more lately though, cause there’s still no gym worth his time in Tarzana. There’s video of him struggling not to die at the top of a hill from this morning that should be up on Ellismania.com sometime real soon. Someone else called in to argue against steroids, saying that there’s no such thing as mellow steroids, and that any hormone supplement has the potential to shut off the stuff that you’re trying to fix in the first place. It’s all a matter of listening to your doctor, he’s probably smarter than you by a fucking long shot. I mean he IS a doctor and all, but hey, this is America, we balk at common sense all the time. Somehow, this led into a guy who called in to say that maybe roids aren’t the answer cause it may not be the ladies fault for not liking how a guy looks, maybe the guy just lost interest in the pussy. It all boils down to communication, I suppose. Some people need to just say what they think a little more often. And from time to time, just get in there and slam that ass, it can’t make things any worse. Turns out there’s a really big majority of people not waxing the pole more than a dozen or so times a year. A lady called in to ask why her husband didn’t want to fuck anymore, and she’s not worn out or super old or fat or a crack addict. She’s even willing to try new stuff. Again, communication seems to be key here. And no, slapping your nuts across their sleeping face does not count. Like actual words and stuff. Calls went like this for a while longer, ladies calling to see why their man won’t fuck them. Long story short, ASK HIM YOUR FUCKING SELF, and maybe do it in the presence of a relationship therapist so they can help you work it out together and you can both be dropping loads all over eachother. We finally got a call from a lady who was the one holding out on the man, and she seemed to shed a little more light on the situation. Basically, it came back to the debate on hormones and steroids and scheduling and talking to the dick or vag that you’re trying to slam. If it saves your life, do it. If you’re worried about the outcome, talk to a doctor first, not an afternoon comedy radio show. They’ve got experience, but this isn’t their specialty. They just think you should blow him or grab his penis aggressively without warning. Definitely don’t use the dick like a stress ball. That could get you gaybashed by actual gays. And as hilarious as it might be to see, you wouldn’t want it happening to you. More calls about ladies and guys not doing the fucky fucky they should be, it gets a little depressing when you think about it. The human race should be cumming a lot harder and a lot more often than it seems we are. It should be from the windows, to the walls, till the sweat drips from our worldwide collective balls. Our balls, our balls, SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET!!! Let’s all fuck more often and maybe the world is gonna get to being a much better place. #PreCumForPresident I don’t even know why I just wrote that, but god dammit it felt right. Let’s get it trending, people.

Ever wonder why there’s so few Jews in Germany? Maybe it’s cause they’re all Nazis. But no, seriously, all Nazi jokes aside, why are there so few Jews in Germany? Maybe Mel Gibson had something to do with it. But the real point is, there’s gonna be a new exhibit at the Jewish museum in Berlin where they’re gonna keep a Jew in a glass box and field trip kids can ask him questions and press ham on the window at him. Dom came in with a bit that he cooked up to help get Rawdog in shape. It’s all physical fitness trivia, and for every question he gets right it’s one less exercise on their list that he has to do. He got a couple right, and had to exercise out the ones he got wrong, which I’m sure is gonna be sensational video on Ellismania.com at some point later on today. Seriously, I love seeing that guy try new physical maneuvers, it’s endlessly hilarious every time. From sloppy ass pushups, to burpees, to slapping pads for a minute straight to fucking up trying to do situps, I’m sure it was a sight to see and Ellis seemed to really get into motivating the Tussin Wolf to take a little better care of himself. Right around minute 10 or so, the Rawdog was seriously gassed but he powered through like a mother fucking boss. Ellis has been looking for a new place to live recently, and somehow had a talk with the ex (AndreaMate for those who were late to the party) and she actually did a bunch of work to try and help him find a new spot that works better for him. If I ever have another ex, I hope she’s that kind of solid good lady. That’s a seriously respectable move. Take a hint ladies, next time you break up with somebody, don’t scratch a vagina in the paint on his car, just do his taxes without him asking or something like that. You’ll always be the winner no matter who was wrong. A strange stroke of luck though, the place Ellis went to go check out ended up being lived in by one of the guys from the band Biohazard, who has definitely heard Ellis say that their band sucks and they’re never coming on the show. He was really friendly though, but Jason was getting awkward and trying to find excuses to leave every time the guy tried showing him around the condo he was looking at. But have no fear, cause Jason may have found an even sweeter crib a little later that day and he’s gonna be taking a look soon. News Time! Some two radio shitheads got in trouble for an April fool’s joke that about the water supply being tainted. Luckily, it was some couple of hillbillies on a crappy local station in the middle of fucking nowhere where the residents were dumb enough to fall for it. FLORIDAAAAA!!! FUCK YEAH!!! Senators are quickly starting to flip flop on their former opinions of gay marriage and jumping on board with the pro-apple slapping and taco bumping for life movement. Shout out to those guys. Glad they’re stepping out of the dark ages. North Korea keeps talking a bunch of shit to see how much it’s gonna take to get fucking slapped by the rest of the world. I think Kim Jong Un needs to fight pretty much anyone in the UFC and see how fucking tough he feels in the morning. And of course, what better way to stop talking politics than to start blasting Kiss of Poseidon? CAUSE YOU’RE A CUUUUUNNNNNTTTT!!!!!

Ever wondered what country has the fattest airline customers? That’s right, Samoa. Samoa air has recently done a study and found they have some of the biggest passengers out of all the world, and they’ve started charging accordingly. Oh yeah, we were also joined by Ronnie “KungFu” Faisst for this part of the show. For those who don’t know, he’s a freestyle motocross rider and he also beat the shit out of a very uncoordinated Donald Schultz at EllisMania 6, proving once again that motocross riders are some of the toughest assholes around. Way tougher than some extreme falling dickhead who hates the blecks. Recently, there’s been rumors that the X-Games announced that they’re going to stop doing best trick because too many people are dying. Which is kinda fair, but kinda bullshit too. Ronnie isn’t too phased by this, because he knows he’s still fast and can still do some pretty sweet shit when he leaves the ground in speed and style. The guys talked moto for a bit, y’know, jumping shit, people dying, people being awesome, why KTM sucks, the usual. Ronnie is apparently not the most sexually deviant action sports star around. He gets his, but he doesn’t chase it as religiously as some people do. Which is fine, if you’re into God and stuff and not a dick. To be fair, he does stay pretty busy doing his thing with Nuclear Cowboys and of course you gotta practice if you’re gonna stay good at moto. Ellis told Faisst all about his plans to turn his kids and girlfriend into a full moto family and Ronnie is backing it. They shared stories about people pulling off ridiculous fails trying to learn how to ride. Ronnie was teaching some kid on a 50 and the kid almost drove straight through the side of his house. Ellis let some girl ride some shitty 50 he had and she bricked and landed with the wheel between her legs and rugburned the shit out of her thighs with the tire. Ellis tried to teach his ex wife (not sure which one, he didn’t drop a name) how to ride one day and almost say her go ass over tea kettle just trying to take off, but she let go of the bike before it went bad. Good thing too, cause she was wearing a miniskirt at the time. Ronnie got a chance to put his name on the punch machine rankings, he managed to shoot up the ranks to second place after Ellis and above new producer Herpes Stroke Face. Not such breaking news, but Rawdog saw on Facebook that former producer Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft just recently was diagnosed with kidney stones. If you have well wishes to pass along to him, I’m sure he would appreciate it. Also, go see Nuclear Cowboys in Onatario, California, I repeat CALI-MOTHERFUCKING-FORNIA, NOT CANADA this Sunday. There’s gonna be an Ellis section where you can be easily spotted if you start any shit. Somehow the conversation started spiraling into religion, and the guys went really far out of their way to see if they could make Ronnie say some really homophobic Christian shit. It got pretty good for a religious debate, nothing like watching those lame fucks in Palestine and Israel talk at eachother. Seriously though, Ronnie Faisst is cool with the gays, even if Jesus isn’t. And anything is possible with God according to Ronnie, he can cure gay people but maybe not necessarily make Ellis’ hair grow back, but possibly could help Rawdog land a Hart Attack on a shitty no brand ATV. I hope to see these theories put to the test sometime soon, McTumble 75 feet in the air, Ellis coming his epic locks and a male ballerina setting down the dick and grabbing some vagina, all in one big photo montage. Considering that pastor that just got popped for selling meth and laundering the money through a porn shop, that mural would be the only advertising that could change my opinion on the whole thing at this point. Some people called in to chime in on the whole conversation, and it went on quite a while, but it was pretty damn funny and kind of intelligent considering the average intelligence level of the four people in the room. I get worn out on the argument, really, kind of goes to what they were talking about earlier, ask somebody who knows better if you want more information. This last hour of radio was just a lot of opinion. And as Tully has said, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and they’re delicious. And what better way to end all the religious talk than with a song about how god isn’t real? LEST WE DROWN IN THEEEEEE DAAAAAAAAARKNEEEESSSS WWWIITTHHHIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! DoodoodooDOOdoodoodoo….

After the break, we got a wonderful piece of news about the new producer Dom, apparently he sometimes answers the phone “Hello” when people are calling the show. I’m sure this would throw off a lot of people, as the first caller that Dom had to screen live on the air called him a fucking moron and hung up. The next call he didn’t quite realize they were still testing him and he thought they were just calling live to the studio. While we all enjoy the pain of others, I personally get sick of doing my business spiel when I’m at work, but instead of getting lazy I’m usually tempted to just answer the phone “SUCK MY FUCKING COCK” -CLICK- and be done with it, but I power through, so Dom’s got no excuse. People were still calling in about being gay, and the guys had to lay a challenge out for Dom to really give gay a try to see if it’s true that you can choose to be gay. They asked him how things were going on his Growler account, and he said he’s been lagging on it, but is thinking of trying Grinder instead. The guys basically told him to step his game up and solicit some random gay sex that won’t actually be sex it’ll just be an interview or a mail-in questionnaire or some shit. With all the talk of gay sex, it seems like there could not be a better time for New Music Tuesday!!! Number one song in the country right now is by an old friend of the show Pink! Good for her, but it’s not my style. It showed true talent though, and that’s hard to find these days. New Kids On The Block apparently haven’t died, despite all of my greatest hopes and dreams. Suede, if you even remember them, got back together and cranked out some early-nineties-sap-rock-new-wave-revival type shit. Tyler from Odd Future dropped a new album, and if you’re into the hipstery nerd rap stuff, you’ll like it, even though it kinda bores the shit out of me. Some stank ass hoe called V-Nasty ripped off Taintstick and wrote a song called Fuck Your Face. It was very reflective of the current state of shitty rap music that has nothing going on but smoking weed and talking a bunch of shit about stupid shit. The backbone himself, Cullen, called in to defend anybody who wants this tiny lady to die in a ridiculous and comical fashion. Being that I live in Oakland where she is from, I could theoretically make it happen. Anyways, back to new music, Persephone is a metal band that actually had some pretty respectable style until they did the cookie monster voice thing and shat all over anything that might have made it art. Rawdog played some noise band called Wolf Eyes that sounded like a noise band and reminded me why I hate noise bands. Killswitch Engage has a new single that had the same basic effect as that band Persephone. Great riff, singer wants the band to fail, y’know, metal and shit. That Mackelroy dickhead that had that song thrift shop has some other single that was also on an iPhone commercial or some such shit. Alkaline Trio dropped their newest offering to the non-shite emo genre. Sounded like you could leave it on in the background and not be offended, but Tully couldn’t stop ripping on it. Mudhoney had a new song called Douchebags on Parade which totally took me back to elementary school, back when it was uncool to be cool and everything sucked, so great effort really. Bring me the Horizon made a song that had all the flavors of “New Hard Rock” that make me want to start a licensing process before you can get a guitar. Rawdog’s pick of the week was some band called Black Angels and it was the kind of semi-industrial-indie-heroin-rock that we would expect the dog to be listening to in his apartment by himself while browsing Grinder on a thursday morning. And of course, once again pretty much all of the music that has come out this year is very forgettable and won’t be talked about ever again. The guys gave Mackelmore one more try on a callers suggestion and while I ended up hating it even more, the guys ended up hating it just the same. And that was NMT. There was an Australian lady who used to work for Vogue who just put out a book about how models are kind of fucked up in the high fashion world. Anorexic, Bulemic, eating tissue to feel full, all the drugs, and she’s basically making all this public because she got booted from the industry over some bullshit. Some guy called in to back this story because he actually dated a model and she was pretty fucked up. I dated a young lady who wanted to be a model, and she had all the telltale signs of being a future member of this demographic. Not gonna lie though, I hung around for a bit, cause before she got a little methed out she was all kinds of fuckable. And as Ellis and Rawdog will agree, if you’re ridiculously hot and have nothing going on upstairs, we will get all you have by fucking you once, but we won’t leave because you still hold the power to crush our souls. So, I guess you’re welcome, ridiculously hot ladies. Final calls started coming in and it was a lot of the usual fare, people saying fuck Tully, baseless statements that have no context or relation to anything, ladies calling in to defend their bullshit, y’know, the kind of stuff that happens all around the world at any given second of the day.

Now, when I was young, I wasn’t the coolest kid. One day I was sitting in my room and my mom asked “How come you’re not out playing with your friends?” and I said “Because I don’t have any friends” and she said to me “here’s $20 and a dime rock, go to the store and get some baking soda and you’ll turn that into $100 and a whole bunch of friends.” And just like that, she was right. From that day on, I understood why a boy’s best friend is his mother.

Red Dragons mother fuckers ,,rr,

MY DICK!!! MY MOTHER FUCKING DICK MAN!!!! *Ahem* Sorry, you caught me in a bit of a crisis. Welcome to the Recap for tuesday’s Jason Ellis show. I promise not to mention my dick again unless you really ask me to or you start giving me signals like you really wanna hear about it. It is pretty majestic though. Anyways, today got started with Ellis telling us That while it’s nice to have a crew, it’s even better to start one, I.E., come up with your own shit. Maybe use it to do some good too. Rawdog chimed in to say that pretty much everybody is ripping off everybody. But Jason says that the Tumble is a true original, and I can’t find too many people who could prove him wrong. Rawdog started talking about how he’s a lot like his dad, and this got jason thinking whether or not he’s a thrill seeker because of his own dad. Totally possible. Good news though, Jason found a gym that isn’t full of pansies!!! Rawdog somehow copped to being so accidentally awesome that he’s stumbled and fallen with his fist in his head. Jason told a story about hitting a rock on his skateboard when he was a kid and eating shit all over the pavement. Tully’s self inflicted hilarity is a lot less dangerous, more comical than anything else. He has an old school coffee grinder, and occasionally, when the whole house is quiet, and the baby’s just gone to sleep, and he get’s up to take a piss and has to wander through the kitchen, somehow his hand lands right on the switch and that grinder fires up like a chorus of weed whackers through the entire house. This got to the topic of old movies and how even some of the classics may still be great in their own way, but they don’t hold up so well after a certain point. Rawdog told us he doesn’t get why Animal House was so funny. My rebuttal to that would be to ask him where the fuck he thinks the idea for project x came from? or Van Wilder? Maybe not the two greatest movies ever, but who started that formula? Animal House. Fuck you twice, with a broken stick mother fucker. Some guy called in to get advice about having massive headaches for two weeks straight. The best advice: go to a god damn doctor, an afternoon comedy radio show probably can’t help too much, especially not over the phone. But then again, if you did a lot of ecstasy, chances are you’ve gotten some with a bit of meth in it. That might be where your headaches are coming from. Only cure for meth induced headaches? AIDS. Good old AIDS, always coming through when you need it most. Tully still doesn’t get the appeal of meth, to him it seems like all the bad parts of cocaine but it lasts ten times longer. Everybody still thinks Rawdog needs to at least give both of them a try live on the radio for our entertainment. Somebody else called in to ask guitar questions. If you’re really looking to learn guitar, ask Tully. And bar chords. And fuck sheet music. And don’t perpetuate Incubus. If Sylvester Stallone ever tries to help you, don’t be an ungrateful asshole. Ever wonder why some movie stars look better than they did in the 80’s? Probably the makeup. Everybody in the 80’s was really into makeup that made them look like trannies. More meth questions, take Cialis before you fuck if you’re gonna be tweaking. Get yourself a nice priapism going. And don’t forget your Pedialyte. Some girl called in to talk about the Steubenville rape case. Fuck high school jocks and CNN for trying to glorify the rapists. Just my opinion, and another reason I never watch the news. We got a new segment today, as sung by Joshua Adam Richmond, ANUS NEWS!!! Shout out to the butt hole!!! Five failed intros and we finally got to hear what’s new in the world of the chili ring. Some video on the internet has been going around about some guy named Manus who was in a mixed martial arts fight and the announcer kept saying his name and it sounded like he was talking about “my anus”, having an arm stuck up it, bleeding anus, anus all over everything. We heard more anus news about former WWE star X-Pack and how he tore his anus so bad he almost fucking bled to death. Now that’s some fucking hardcore gay love. It was so bad they needed to do an emergency anal plastic surgery to keep him from joining Andre the Giant and the last Ultimate Warrior in that squared circle up in the sky. Rawdog’s roommate keeps leaving floaters that are making him late for work. Yes, the gay roommate, the one that probably has never needed emergency barking spider surgery. If Rawdog wants some respect, he should get a tattoo of a woman blowing a horse. Cause then he’ll be easy like sunday morning, much like the first music break was.

So, the NFL will finally have an openly gay player sometime in the next season. We don’t know which one, just that someone in the NFL is seriously considering coming out of the closet. My guess? Jamarcus Russell, formerly of the Oakland Raiders. Seriously though, they’re all grabbing balls from between someone else’ legs and dog piling all over the place, so as far as I’m concerned the NFL should just go ahead and wear the GLAAD flag proudly so we can stop making assumptions about it. Herpes stroke face came in with a new game, basically they had to answer trivia questions before a match burned all the way down to their fingertips. Or in Rawdog’s case, his jism crusted toes. Then they brought in the blindfold and it started really getting to be my kind of party. Somehow, this game seemed to be an exercise in Rawdog’s many character flaws and how stick matches are basically useless nowadays. But it was still fun listening to Rawdog not being able to associate basic descriptions of positive characteristics about a person. Kudos, gang! And Dom doesn’t know how to buy proper matches. To the extent that it dragged out this game way longer than it probably would have gone normally. Next time though, toilet paper underwear for Dom. And if that wasn’t enough to make you hate society, there’s now Taco Bell Doritos taco flavored Doritos!!! If there’s ever a good reason to kill yourself, that would be it. Taco Bell is still dangerous, though. Don’t trust the steak, and I know for a fact that the ground beef is deep fried in a dissolvable bag. Tully almost set his house on fire trying to barbecue once. Luckily though, his semi-retarded neighbor noticed that it smelled like Korean barbecue out there. Rawdog has never had lobster, and I’m sure the more Kosher members of the Jewish community would like it to stay that way. But Rawdog’s reason for not trying it is not religious, it’s cause it looks like too much work. This gave Ellis and Tully the idea that maybe if they got a hot lady to baby-bird him foods he’s never tried, they may be able to encourage him to try new things. Of course, being the Illusionist that he is, he was resistant at first, but came around to it in the end. In national news, the American government has just approved $1.5 million in federal grant money to study why it came to be that lesbians are, more often than not, kinda fat. Shout out to saying fuck the government. A lesbian actually called in to explain how women are less superficial with eachother in that kind of relationship, which makes a fair amount of sense. Plus they’re always being told how to look by the lying ass media machine and because they’re kind of a fringe group they like  saying fuck the norm. Pretty solid answer to the whole study as far as I can tell, so how about we give that lady the money? Another guy called to tell the guys about his teeny little lesbian friend brought him to a lesbian party, and the vast vast vast majority of them were lady hell’s angels lookalikes. Another guy called to tell us about the two smoking hot ass lesbians that live next door and how he’s occasionally watched them in their hot tub getting frisky on a cool summer’s night. Nothing potentially illegal about that. Ever wonder if gay guys are as picky as lesbians? Or for that matter straight men? Probably, they do seem way more into the way shit looks. But anyways, enough with trying to figure out why people like what they like. I like titties and cheese and gummi bears and fast cars, I don’t question why, they’re all just fucking wonderful. Speaking of lesbians and whatnot, Margaret Cho recently got a lot of dirty looks at some Korean spa type place because she’s got tattoos all over her. Could be a Korean thing, but it seems like there’s way more legitimate reasons to give people shit. Of course, if you’re Margaret fucking Cho, there should be no reason for Korean people to have a problem with you. And if we’re gonna give people shit for adding stuff to themselves, I’d like to nominate people who get implants. Some boob jobs are ok, but people are going a little crazy with it. Some guy actually thought his calves wee holding him back so he got fucking calf implants and looked like a god damn alien. Seriously folks, some shit just does not need to be messed with.

Does anybody give a fuck about My Little Pony anymore? I know I never did, but apparently it’s big fucking news, which is why Blasko had to be in studio to hear about it. For one thing, there’s My Little Pony porn (which I now totally need to look for when I get a few minutes), and also the guy who makes most of this porn got a cease and desist letter from a guy claiming to be Twilight Sparkle’s fiance. Dude is pretty agro too, like he’s really gonna be marrying a cartoon horse. Which bounces off my last point about killing yourself because of the new flavor of Doritos. Rawdog had no problem explaining all the sick depraved shit that happens in My Little Pony porn, so I bet if he was engaged to one of them, they would be swingers. Do you think the Grimace could sodomize the Little Mermaid? Jason had this debate with Devin already, but some people still think it’s possible. And of course, everyone knows that all mermaids vomit diarrhea. Blasko knew a guy in elementary school who was madly in love with Daphne from Scooby-Doo, but the guy never went as far as taking a doll to a romantic evening out at a vegetarian restaurant. One good thing about a man/fictional character relationship though, you could talk to your stuffed animal in public about how hard and rough you’re about to rape them, and nobody can do a god damn thing about it. It was about this time that Jason finally understood that the people they were talking about weren’t into ponies, just into My Little Pony. He got the message when somebody tweeted at the show. However, we did get to hear a little bit of Neigh Slayer, the My Little Pony metal band. They were just as terrible as you might think, so lets move along. Tony the Brony called in to deny being a Brony, but tell us a bit about being a Brony. Apparently, it’s all about love and it’s a really high quality cartoon if you’re a seven year old girl, or a sexually confused man with a serious disconnect from reality. Perfect segue for Get The Cock Off Your Chest though, as I’m sure a lot of Bronys have something long and veiny on the front of their torso. A guy called up to tell a story about how he fucked his uncle’s girlfriend a bunch of times a little while before she married the uncle. Another guy called to say that while he was out with his buddy and his girlfriend and they were having a threesome and in the middle of getting his dick sucked he realized it was his friend and not the girl. Next caller had a tale about when he was in college and he wanted to try sex in public with is girlfriend, so they went out on a boat and started pounding and sure enough a cop shows up and he freaked out, pushed his girlfriend out of the boat, tried to make a quick escape and ended up hitting his girlfriend with the boat. Red Dragons to you sir. Next caller told us about how he’s cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had. The next caller banged his best friends sister, and years later the friend admitted he was gay and had a crush on him from way back when. Up next, we had a guy who claimed he shot a load in his own face and it was totally by accident. And not just in the face, but in the god damn eye. We heard from a guy who is happily married but can’t stop going out for rub and tug massages. Shout out to Rubmaps.com, you have a supporter in the Jason Ellis show. This got into a whole long conversation about infidelity and therapy and just how creepy some of these massage parlors really are. Which is why we here at NoYouAre.lixlink.com also fully support Rubmaps.com, so that you can be sure you’re getting a quality deep tissue treatment with a nice corkscrew and harmonica-style happy ending. Back to GTCOYC, a caller had two stories for us, one about getting kicked out of the military for popping ecstasy, and another about how he had gay sex one time a long while back, and now that he’s grown up with a wife and kid, he still thinks about that one guy quite a bit. Next guy that called in to tell us how he banged his best friends mom a bunch of times, the way many of us probably wanted to to at least one of our friends moms. After that, we heard from a guy who got jerked off till his dick looked like hamburger meat. Next guy called to tell us about a cat house that was run by an off duty cop years ago in his town. Next was a dude who got cheated on by his wife and wasn’t sure whether or not to get a divorce. Ellis told him that if you don’t have kids, get the fuck out. This sparked a bit of conversation about cheating and how guys and girls are totally different in all the insecurities we have. Blasko and Ellis being probably the most knowledgeable on this, they were able to explain it to the more simple minded of us. Next caller told us about how we went to a rub and tug got his salad tossed by his masseuse. After that, we heard a story that happened at an EllisMania, where a guy and his two friends were having massive orgies all over at some friends wedding and pounded more pussy once he got to Vegas and then flew back home to his girlfriend and almost got caught cause he kept getting STD tests every week. All in all, a very successful round of cocks being removed from chests. And Blasko is a rock star, so he got to stick around for the rest of the afternoon too.

BREAKING NEWS FROM TWITTER!!! Courtesy of @LewTallica, Dish nation is almost a complete ripoff of Howard Stern! And Dish Nation tweeted at the show to say “We’re very similar but different!” which sounds like typical Hollywood bullshit to get out of being sued for copyright infringement. Blasko gave us a punch machine test and scored right above Rawdog and just below Jizz Cult. The guys tried to revisit the match game for Herpes Stroke Face, this time with Dom as the victim. This time, it went a lot better, with Dom being burned and punched in the dick and answering all kinds of stuff incorrectly in the most ridiculous fashion imaginable. Final calls came right after, and they didn’t pan out to much, so the guys cut the show off to let Tony Hawk go on the air on time. I’ve gotta say, in the time I’ve spent on this earth, there’s been a lot of important things I’ve learned. One of the most important things I’ve come to grips with is the fact that there’s plenty of fine looking women in the world, but they won’t all bring you lasagne at work, cause all that women’s lib shit is what killed home ec in high schools. None of them even bother learning to cook anymore and that’s why your kids are fat and your mom’s a fucking sea donkey.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

How ya doin’ cunt satchels? It’s your old pal Shit Toboggan here, and today I want to bring you all along as I take a look back at some of my favorite moments of The Jason Ellis Show from the last year. You ready? Did you use the bathroom first? Did you wipe? Was there blood? Good!!! hen let’s get this magical fucking journey underway.

FEBRUARY 23RD, 2012!!! Rawdog told us about the first tie he smoked pot. He was a sophomore in college at UC Santa Cruz, and somehow got convinced by his friends to partake of this miracle amidst a session of strip poker and truth or dare. A young lady who he was very interested in was there, and somehow ended up topless. She also ended up going back to NOT RAWDOG’S dorm that night to get her snatch broke open by somebody who I’m sure can ride a bike and pronounce the letter L. All jokes aside, this was an interesting story, because my first time smoking pot wasn’t nearly as cool, but there were some awesome stories afterwards. There was this one time at BoyScout camp (before you even ask, none of the scout masters ever touched my booty hole) when me and a buddy got some weed that was laced with good ol’ down home American PCP. We didn’t catch on until I noticed that it tasted incredibly minty, and that while laying in a pitch black tent in the middle of the night, I could see colors streaming down the walls. FUN!!! And while we’re on the topic of fun with drugs, on February 20th, it was a Rude Jude’s day and he stopped in the studio to tell the boys he snorted so much ketamine over the weekend that he was barfing his guts out like a fuckin’ champ. He also mentioned how he would love to bang Sandra Bullock (which was probably a byproduct of the drugs).

On March 13th last year, huge friend and long time contributor to the show STD Emily (AKA Sexual Bowling Ball, AKA stop calling me STD Emily I don’t have any STD’s) gave us a truly horrific news story about why we need to start taxing churches, basically, a Rabbi was performing the most ancient of old school circumcisions, in which the blood of the young boys penis was to be mopped up by the mouth of the Rabbi that just mangled it. What was really disturbing about this story is that this one particular Rabbi had a case of lip herpes and the baby contracted it then died. And quite frankly, this is why we need to endorse progress. Glad I killed your appetite, cause I didn’t bring any snacks and we’re not stopping. We’re making such good time!!! Do you guys remember DanOD5? Kinda metrosexual hipsterish guy that went 4 solid rounds against a seriously tough bitch and Tully at EllisMania8? Remember on March 15th when the guys let him produce the entire show? The only thing we learned about him that day was that he sucks at coming up with nicknames for people, as they did some game where they had to call someone from his phone, and they all had names like poopy face and wang kong and dumb shit like that. Seriously, DanOD5, step your fucking game up. Find somebody you can name Rape Whistle, or Jagerbeard, or CowFucker. Pffftt, fuckin’ amateur.

And I wouldn’t be doing my job correctly on this if I didn’t touch on the live show from the Hard Rock on July 13th, the weekend of EllisMania8, where I had my ass handed to me by a surprisingly fit Kevin Kraft and then had to smoke human hair. If you’ve never been to an EllisMania, I really hope you can make it to the next one. And if you can find a way to get a fight there, do it. It’s a pretty awesome experience. And next time they do “Doing Stuff With RawDog” he better answer my question of how do you get cum out of silk sheets, cause atthe live show Ellis brushed it off, and god dammit, I need to know. However, I did get to pass a shot of Jager to the real live JabgerBeard, so the day was not wasted. Seriously though, that show was great, there was a bikini contest where one of the girls got ejected for flashing her tits, then they had a freethrow contest, people got all their WolfKnives gear, we saw an adorable little asian girl get stared down like somebody was about to straight up take the pussy, and Rawdog taught the crowd a valuable lesson about how to wipe your ass and insert a tampon.

Y’know, it’s been an interesting and wonderful time being a fan of this show. Who’d have thought some washed up Australian skateboarder could bring a group of people together the way he has for such ridiculous events? Or to help people get off drugs so they can take care of their families? Or help the truckers keep everything they eat from going to their thighs? Or convince some east Oakland punk rocker to get off his ass, go to a gym and be the main attraction for just a few minutes, just one time in his life? I truly appreciate the chance I’ve had to be a part of the whole experience that is the Jason Ellis Show, and to write recaps for people with shittier schedules than mine. Expect new shit next week when Ellis is back from his vacation, and as always,

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

I can’t wait till I make enough money to wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills. But on to more important things, my friends, it’s tuesday and it’s lunch time and the Ellis Show is on so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON’T YOU DARE CALL ASKING ME FOR ANYTHING!!! The show started today with a nice taste of E.L.O.’s Mr Blue sky and that always puts me in a great mood to wreck shit and fuck bitches. Ellis began the show on the topic of how important friends are. You never know when you’re gonna need to shave your friends tonight. But sometimes you gotta separate the wheat from the chaff and cut a few people off. Tully has been using his kid as a great way to get rid of people he doesn’t want to be friends with anymore (Champion move, MC Scoop, it’s like pawning all your roommates shit to get your security deposit back and then leaving the tickets where his coffee table used to be). Ellis has been thinking about how there’s some people that he probably wouldn’t be friends with if he met them today.  It all depends on how much time you and your buddies talk about “The good ol’ days.” Long story short, can’t be a hermit, but don’t be scared to tell a mother fucker to kick rocks. Rawdog is gonna be catching up with an old friend this weekend, and it’s a GIRL!!! Here’s hoping Rumble McTumble gets to take a dip in the beef pool. Tully thinks that old MMA fighters should be put out to pasture by fighting with humongous padded gloves, and I think that sounds incredibly hilarious. Even an old fighter could still rape Rawdog instantaneously. Probably even quicker with the lights off. M. Night Shyamalan can suck a dick and stop making movies. You can’t make Bruce Willis into anyone other than John McClain. Ellis is gonna be taking a week next week, and he’s going to do a bit of everything, from MMA training to car racing and probably a bit of porn and Katie slamming, cuz hey, who wouldn’t want to include that in their next vacation? There’s some really shitty team names in all those obscure minor sports leagues. Makes sense, it’s like how shitty car companies can’t come up with good names for the rust bucket death traps they’re hawking. Rawdog is still hitting the gym and Ellis is starting to lose a bit of his gusto around the ab muscles. Rawdog still refuses to have the gym assign him a trainer for one god damn day to teach him how to do the shit properly. I wonder how bad a kidney stone hurts if you’ve got a hernia too? Rude Jude stopped by for his usual tuesday visit. Jude isn’t sponsored by anybody the way Ellis always has been, but his glasses are sponsored by pedophiles and Nazis. The other day, Ellis and Katie were in line at some cafe and spotted a lady with some Nazi skull on the back of it, but it was some Ed Hardy looking shit that I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anyway. Ellis once spotted a guy wearing a t-shirt of him in line at a movie theater. That’s a good feeling, take it from a guy who’s had his own signature t-shirt (yeah, I had to get  them made myself, still made me feel like a champ though). Rude Jude said he once bagged a skinhead girl. She had a shitload of piercings and some of her holes smelled like doritos, and right when she was about to let him get some she shot him down cause Jude is like thrice removed related to a half Jewish bastard kid of some affair some relative of his had. And the reason this girl gave? The Jewish dick would spoil the pussy forever. I don’t know about you folks, but I’ve had Jewish pussy and my cock is still magnificent, so it sounds like a load of horse shit to me. Fuck whitey, seriously. She still blew him though. So it wasn’t all bad I guess. Next time you get the urge to go do shrooms in the forest, tell somebody where you’re gonna be. Someone like Robocop, or your Rawdog’s mom. Somebody offered Ellis some peyote and Jude just had to go encouraging it. Tully balanced it out with a little of the reality that it’s a shit idea when you’re a grown up with kids and a job and nobody to fill in for you on monday. The movie “Backdraft” is probably the biggest insult to firemen since 9/11 and the Baldwin brothers had problems picking roles even in 1993. Big Trouble in little China was the shit though. Kurt Russell is always gonna be a bad mother fucker. Have you ever watched a court movie and then had to go in an argue a speeding ticket? It’s nothing like the movies at all. Nothing is ever as awesome as advertised. Like the Snuggie. They’re gay as all hellfire on the commercials, but when you actually start using one, your life becomes a soundtrack of drum and bass music and pink pleather hot pants. Shout out to fire fighters though. And paramedics. My sister is a paramedic and her boyfriend is a fireman. Waitresses are always fucking their managers. Seems pretty logical to me, there isn’t too far to go in the wait staff game unless you’re willing to put up with a lot of things you really don’t want to do. Ben Affleck has had a few cinematic misses over the years *cough-cough* FUCKING REINDEER GAMES *cough* but he still got to slap his balls against J-Lo’s ass, so who really loses? That’s right, the customer. There was some more movie talk and discussion on what the best shitty movie is. (My recommendation: Rubber. It’s about a telepathic tire that wanders the desert blowing shit up with it’s mind. Why? No reason #LOLWinkyFaceComeTossMySalad) There were some phone calls too. We also heard sound from the movie “Gigli” where Ben Affleck beat up a retarded guy. It kinda makes me want to go rent it. The guys told Rude Jude about the Woodsman too, and now he’s really amped to get high as fuck and see it.

We heard a great news story about a twitter troll who almost brought the wrath of god down on himself from a former champion boxer. Take it from a guy who instigated a boxing match on twitter, make sure it’s being recorded and that all your friends are there to laugh. Brendan Schaub stopped by the studio today. The guys started off giving him ideas to have some Schaub-lets, which really is a solid plan no matter who you are. They talked fighting for a bit and how some people don’t realize it when they knock somebody right the fuck out. More fight talk, about Ellis’ last fight with Gabe Ruediger, and his pro boxing and MMA fights, how everybody’s got the same shitty fight pants, but it would be awesome to win with a knee strike to the head and your ass hanging out, and how sometimes people do coke at the worst possible times, like right before a UFC fight. Brendan drives a BMW and doesn’t let anybody valet it cause he’s a fuckin’ BAUSE! Hope there’s enough room in the back seat for the Schaub-lets. More fight talk, Cock chestner may be a stupid humongous bastard, but he keeps winning shit. Ellis still thinks UFC fights that have more stand up fighting are way better than two guys being 5% gay for three solid rounds. And this led to Brendan and Ellis making a bet that Ellis could avoid getting submitted through his superior boxing. UFC is still just as savage as pro football, but the extreme sports guys are still way crazier, according to Brendan. He used to be a tight end on the Buffalo Bills, so he probably has enough first hand experience to make those statements with no repercussions. Brendan is apparently too big to fuck 110lb girls, but he isn’t chasing water buffalo either. According to him, but still not really giving anybody else an exact answer on how big a lady get’s to ride the Schaub. Brendan is also an avid ghost hunter. While he may not have any trophies as of yet, he believes, and that trumps science any day. But the one plus of his supernatural hobby is that there is video of him shitting his pants. Strange to hear this kind of stuff from a guy who went to college and graduated with a double major. Then again, we have a Rawdog, so maybe college ain’t as special as we’re all meant to believe it is. The guys brought out the punch machine for Schaub to test his hands against and he got a respectable score albeit his aim was off. 33 for not even hitting the pad? Pretty good, all things considered. Ellis and Brendan had a quick jiu-jitsu session just as Mayhem showed up and it went both directions but ultimately Ellis came out on top. Then it was Rawdog’s turn on the mat with Brendan and that went exactly how everyone would have thought, but it’s always fun to abuse the Tussin Wolf.

We came back to hear a news story about how lack of sleep can make you a fat ass. Then Mayhem came in and just stared fucking everything in the ass like he always does. But that’s why we love him. Rawdog was bleeding, so the guys had a few minutes of material about how funny it is when the dog is hurt. The crew couldn’t leave the ghost topic alone. If a ghost started talking to you in your basement, would you start jacking off to see who’s gonna flinch first? How about shitting on the floor and then lubing up your nipples with it? All viable options to test that poltergeist’s mettle. We got back on the topic of shitty movies, and Rawdog came out swinging with a movie he found called “Day of the Dolphin” about a guy who trained a dolphin to kill the president. If birds had arms, they couldn’t fly anymore, but they could sure pick a mean banjo. Pendarvis has seen Day of the Dolphin, and said it was awesome way back in 1940’s Alabama, but may not have held up over the years. Mayhem and Ellis started trying to convince Rawdog to come do some jiu-jitsu training after watching his almost attempted assisted suicide a few minutes earlier. What would it be like if dolphins could talk and read news reports? Will Pendarvis came in to give us an example of just how it would be but before he could, Thomas Hayden Church sang a four or five month belated happy birthday to Jason and then Rawdog scratched our ears with his Jewish claws in a little segment known as New Music Tuesday. Josh did it a little different this time, he played the song first and then had everybody guess who it was. David Bowie is obsessed with death in his new album. Bon Jovi’s latest hit is a god damn travesty. The Dopplegangaz gave us some listenable but not timeless hip hop that had a lot of “ay, yo” in it. Some Australian lady dropped a tune that sounded like Audioslave meets Shania Twain. Bruno Mars dropped another one of his turds on the number one spot on the billboard charts. Somebody did a Justin Timberlake remix that could probably get you laid if you know how to spot a girl on molly. Sound City Soundtrack which is Dave Groehl’s band dropped a new one you can drink fight and fuck to. Adrenaline Bomb did a cover of Heart’s Barracuda and just the opening riff was respectable. A can of Budweiser made some Americana honky-tonk heap of shit that sounded like Eric Clapton. John Oates (the shittier non black half of Hall and Oates) made a song, good for him. Some euro hard rock band did another one and then Rawdog’s pick of the week was his normal complete outer edge of the solar system shit. When the music stopped, the townspeople rejoiced. Then we listened to some G’n’R and Steve Miller to bounce back to reality.

The Jingleberries dropped an epic song for the new producer Dom today, all about how his girl ex-friend ditched him in Mexico that one time. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Most expensive titties in Hollywood? Any guesses? You might be surprised to know it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. And I gotta say, they’re pretty wonderful. Are they $5 million wonderful? I have to believe I could find some just as good for less. 40 Block is suing the game is suing The Game for $4.5 million for putting that street fight they had last month on YouTube. The breakdown of his amounts is pretty ridiculous too. Stephen Baldwin is going so broke that he can’t afford to pay his taxes. Glad the residuals from Bio-Dome are working out for him. Some website is posting celebrities financial info, like ways to get into their bank accounts and shit. Kinda fucked, but then again, the rich aren’t gonna use all of it, they could do to spread it around. Metallica is still writing new songs, but being awesome is getting in the way of the creative process. Justin Beiber is sold out as fuck and happens to be in Portugal at the moment. Motley Crue had to cut a show short because Vince Neil had to pass a kidney stone. More lemonade, bro, you’ll be right. Back to Beiber for a second, he almost fought a paparazzo the other day, cause he may be more of a sick cunt than we all thought. Ellis finally finished his homework assignment, and gave us his report on rocks. We learned that rocks can be smooth and rough. They can be inside other rocks. They can be big or small, and cost anywhere from $10 to $100, depending what you’re guy is carrying. They can live on the moon or underwater. Brocks, unlike rocks can suck dicks. You can’t fuck a rock. Rockafella records is tough. Rocks don’t get sad, they get even. Rocks don’t get high, but they can get you high. Rocks don’t melt in the sun. And the only thing tough about Rawdog is the rock that shot out of his piss hole. And of course there’s the stuff he left out, like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and there’s the rock lobster, rocking around the clock, the rocket man, rocking out with your cock out and the school of rock. Let there be rock!!! Mayhem gave us his report on Asian people. There’s a shitload of them, they eat rice and stir fried vegetables, and sometimes raw fish, and they do lots of fun stuff to your penis if you’re a professional fighter with hairy arms. They really dig the hairy arms. Hear more this friday at The Viper Room for Tiger Box!!! Tully found a story about a Yale student survey that shows that smart kids with money are into some freaky shit. 50% have engaged in consensual pain and 9% have been paid to do some fucky fucky! 3% even admitted to acts of beastiality. We got some phone calls, pretty much everything can be solved with a big fucking rock. And we heard some guys story about an Asian whore. He went out to a Christmas party and brought a hot Asian escort as his date. He later “plowed the guts out of her” THEN!!! He was at a hotel and got the same girl a few months later, he rented the same girl but he was high as fuck this time, and after they were done and he went catatonic for a few hours the bitch robbed him! Rocks are hard!!! That’s why they call it Rock and Roll. Allegedly, I would check the source on that. ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shout out to rock pocket Johnson, he’s gonna use rocks to decorate at some show his band is playing and the whores are all gonna give him herpes. Tully is gonna be giving us all kinds of cock rock this friday night on SiriusXM Hair Nation. We heard a story about a guy who broke into a storage unit and video surveillance may be able to link him to a bunch of other crimes because of the RIDICULOUSLY UNMISTAKABLE FACE TATTOO THAT EVERYONE HE ROBBED GOT ON CAMERA. Seriously, folks, couldn’t hurt to always have a pair of L’Eggs in your car, you never know when you’re gonna feel like committing a crime. More final calls about rocks, whores, smoking weed and/or not doing it any more, rocks, loads to the face (cause this is America god dammit), romance, home security, Wesley Snipes, man purses (or is it pursi?), dolphins that hunt mines and scuba divers with knives and guns attached to them (fuck yeah), rocks, the upcoming dolphin apocalypse (new contender for the monkeys, maybe?), getting rid of bitches, Dom the producer’s terrible handwriting, Chris Rock, and Joe Rowe burnt up a rock of hash just as the Bruce Lee music started going. When I was a wee lad, my dad sat me down on his knee and said “Son, you gotta make sure you smog check a lady before you grind your crankshaft.” It wasn’t until years later that I found out he was talking about anal.

Seriously ladies, if you’re gonna offer that too me, make sure you’re cleaned out first.

Red Dragons mother fuckers ,,rr,

Sweet shit of Christ, welcome to flavor country, bitches. It’s tuesday and if you’ve got a pair of titties you should let somebody suck on them. Today’s Ellis show started with talk about how seals are probably an endangered species because they shouldn’t be allowed to take care of themselves. Jason swam across one of these adorable sea creatures while it was sleeping and the fucker spazzed out like a cat that got hit with a cattle prod. And those baby seals? Pffftttt worthless. Rawdog brought up the point that cute animals deserve to die less than other ones. He’s kinda right, it’s way easier to eat a cow than a puppy. Tully couldn’t give a fuck, he’s eaten baby pig and enjoyed the hell out of it. Shout out to the Tarzana police for being easily persuadable. Ellis was driving home last night and of course, enjoying his Porsche, and when he got onto his street he shot out past a guy at a stop sign and what do you know? It was the fuzz. Ellis tried the old garage door opener trick, but no luck, the man had his shit surrounded. Ellis was all kinds of friendly, and chatted his way out of what was probably allegedly a felony. Sounds like the police were way friendlier than most of the ones I meet. The cops out here have no problem shaking down anybody who looks like they might have a couple spare dollars. Drive safe kids, especially if you plan o driving while brown, there’s different regulations about that depending where you are. Rude Jude absolutely had to chime in on this, being as it had to do with crime. He says the whole “fuck the police” thing is kinda over for him, as much as you might not like them, they are kinda necessary. Jude got pulled over dipping through traffic like a BAUSE and the cop just said “hey, knock off the grabass, we all got places to go.” Pendarvis has always had fun with police, or at least with people dressed as police, friskings and fun times in the back seat and possibly a few coked out nights in the 80’s at all the hot disco clubs. He got shook down for walking in Beverly Hills. That’s what happens when you’re in the 90210 without a chauffer. Somehow, this got into talk about people abusing Rawdog. Specifically, that Rawdog is kind of the abused girlfriend of the show. It’s kinda true, I suppose, but it’s just so fun picking on his bizarre eating habits and refusal to clean his shower and that beard and snowballing. It seems like we abuse him more when he has a girlfriend, like the show is jealous of him being successful. This brought up talk of Rawdog’s ex and that segued into talk of Adrianne Curry and Shoebox’s former relationship. Adrianne’s been talking about her new guy and how Shoebox is allegedly gay ever since the two of them broke up. I make it a point not to get in the middle of other people’s relationships, but I met her and she seems like an OK lady, and I’ve met Shoebox and he’s an OK guy. If you got anything to say about the two of them, talk to them about it. Apparently there’s some drama with Ellis and Andy Bell too, but the facts aren’t all in yet, so let’s just reserve judgement till we know what’s going on with it.

Jude came up with a fucking good idea for a future Ellis event, Shock collar basketball!!! Fuck, sign me up. and low backboards too. That shit would be all kinds of awesome. Ellis snowballed this into getting the female UFC crew on to the court, and Tully jumped up to say “fuck them hoes, I’ll take that game.” Sounds like something to sort out some details on cause I’d love to see it. Apparently nobody in Australia knows how to play basketball. Jude loves seeing girls beat men at athletic shit. Rawdog said “you’re welcome.” Jude went back to his day job and the boys took a break for some Metallica and AC/DC and i pounded down the rest of my burrito like a fucking champ. Then we got Hollywood news. Carly Rae Jepsen said no to performing at a Boy Scout Jamboree because Mormons don’t like gay people. Ironically, the band “Train” also cancelled and were killed by a helicopter (Tully’s words, not mine). Terrence Howard is starring in a porno with Oprah, and he’s really into them Tig’ ol’ bitties. Jim Jones, The Game and Bizzy Bone are all gonna start trying to get “makin’ it rain” approved as a tax write off. Rawdog is full homo for the IRS. Justin Beiber didn’t get that pink Corvette that he was promised for his birthday, and took it out on his fans by throwing a tantrum in the dressing room for two hours before a concert. Whitney Houston was once blackmailed for a quarter million dollars by some former employee, and it was a big enough deal to get the FBI involved and have them black out paperwork, and she FUCKING PAYED IT!!! Dennis Rodman is well on his way to a cabinet post in North Korea, he’s been on a cross-continental promotion tour with Kim Jong Un’s manifesto and drinking so much that his liver could crawl out and punch him in the dick and he wouldn’t drop. Elton John went on tour and asked for a separate hotel room for his sunglasses, and he looks a lot like Tully’s mom. The guys all gave themselves a homework assignment to write a report on something they have no business writing a report about. Some of the ideas floated were to have Rawdog write about the history of Australia and Jason could write about the history of Judaism. We also heard some good suggestions from the fans, the trucking industry, the oil industry, geology, assholism, the prize chamber, tittaaaaaaayssss, being in the military, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Vagina, and why everybody should stay in school.

Of course, it is tuesday, and there’s new music out, and Rawdog found a bunch of the worst of it for us. Lemme rephrase that, the most popular of what’s coming out this week. But first, AC/DC has their own wine. And it’s all named after their songs, except for “Whole lot of Rosee” which should be one but didn’t make the list. Talk about a band that refuses to die. Which is a perfect segue to bands we would like to die, also known as New Music Tuesday. Some of the new bands we heard were How To Destroy Angels, which is Trent Reznor’s new band with his uncommonly good looking wife and it was actually not as terrible as you might expect, we heard an unreleased Jimi Hendrix track that reminded me of a better time when musicians were musicians and setting your guitar on fire wasn’t the norm, Young Thug dropped a mixtape that sounded like a whole lot of other people’s shitty mixtapes, we heard an indie band called Rye (or Rai, or Rii, or however they could spell it to be cool before it’s cool) and they sounded like a lot of other shitty indie bands but the guy who sings sounds like a beautiful woman, Soilwork gave us more slow building monster mash metal that makes the kids all hyper, but it was actually kinda good in my opinion, some British guy named Rusty put out another techno song to make bitches lose they panties up in da club, Krokus gave us another rock anthem just a little too late to be considered a real anthem, Luke Bryan gave us a good ol’ country song about partying at spring break, They Might Be Giants (SQUEEEEE!!!!) came out with a new album that I will be masturbating with later, Capadonna dropped another Wu-Tang side project showing that it’s totally possible for a rapper to have talent, Enforcer gave us some rather tasty old school metal licks to helicopter our dicks to, and  then Rawdog’s pick of the week was some ex-Sonic-Youth member’s side project called Chelsea Light Movement or some shit, and you’d have to be a Sonic Youth fan to be into it, so it’s way over my head.

We got to know our new producer Froyo Baggins a little better today, by getting him to punch, kick and headbutt the punch-o-meter of testicular fortitude (Not the official name, just something I’m kicking around the office). His first shot made Rawdog bounce off the wall, proving he may be more Viking than hippie. All three punches landed him a spot between Rob Corddry and the intern Anal Gay Lewis. His headbutting skills were just below Rawdog’s but when he took a fourth try he kinda knocked himself out smashing his head against the door. His kicks were one small spot under Ellis’, putting him as the, oh I dunno, 3rd or 5th strongest in the studio, definitely not first in line to get eaten after surviving a plane crash. After all that, our old stupid whore pals Rachael and Sarah popped back in for a visit. Being the cock hungry trollops they are, what better reason to have them come by than to give people sex advice. Some guy asked what’s the best time to ask for anal, the response: however long it takes to get your butthole spread open. But you gotta romance the chili ring first, and don’t get too aggressive. Unless she’s a total whore, then just go on ahead and pound that shit locker as long as you like. Another guy called in to allegedly have phone sex with the girls, but also to ask what do the girls do when they come across a flaccid dick, the general consensus was to bust out and find a real man, but if you’re feeling romantic, put on a puppet show with the cock. Next caller wanted to know (for his girlfriend) what you need to do to make a girl squirt. Long answer find the G-spot and get all acrobatic with the hands, short answer just piss on him. Somebody called in posing the question of which is better, circumcised or natural? The girls’ answer: COCK, and as big as you can get it. Sarah dropped a handful of ping pong balls out of her snatch just as another guy called in to ask what is the weirdest cock they ever saw. Sarah and Rachael sucked a homeless cock, and about halfway through they found a dead guy who had a hammerhead cock and shot a dead load into their mouths. Somebody asked what the best sex toys to bring to bed with a partner were, Sarah told us about her hard upbringing and how she couldn’t afford toys so she had to just go to the grocery store and browse the produce section. If you’ve bought an ear of corn in the last few years, Sarah has fucked it. Somebody called in to ask the best way to spice up his oral skills and when to incorporate the asshole, answer: see question number one. Rachael cut off somebody’s dick and played Buffalo Bill with it hanging out the back of her legs. Some dude wanted to know the best way to try and fit his balls all the way in his girlfriends pussy. somebody asked if there was any way to get his whole head up his girlfriend’s snatch. Rachael had to one up him by telling a story of fitting a guys head in with a motorcycle helmet and then taking a shit into the helmet with the head still in it. Some lame ass virgin called in wondering how to “flirt or fellatio” his way into a girl’s pants, but fuck that guy cause he’s a tool. next caller wanted to know what STD’s the girls have and what they feel like sharing with everybody. Rachael got rabies in her cunt cause she spilled french fries on it and a squirrel attacked it. Sarah likes herpes a lot and they both love every time they get the black plague. The girls are into role playing that they’re not whores and then they become whores. Sarah’s worst time in bed was when some guy only fucked her four times and she wanted so much more. Rachael’s worst time was when she was at a party full of hairy short people and she wasn’t feeling the scene, but she fucked everybody anyway, not just short people either, dogs, chickens, the whole menagerie. Sarah fucked Will Pendarvis, but didn’t know it at first cause it was dark. And that was all we heard from the whores. Then there was Danzig. MOTHERRRRRR………..

Cock news!!! A mentally challenged guy did the most metal thing ever and cut his dick off in front of a bunch of people. Fuck yeah, but what the fuck, all at the same time. It happened in India, and he was addicted to gambling, so he ran in to a barber shop, grabbed a razor and chopped his dick off. Makes enough sense to me, I suppose. Tully told us about a traffic stop that happened in, you guessed it, Florida, and when the cops searched the car, they found a little bag of coke in one of the guy’s fake legs, then they looked under a girl’s bra and found some pills, then the one good Samaritan of the group dove for the car to swallow the last piece of evidence, and pretty much exposed five more layers of this onion of hidden drugs all culminating in one of the girls hiding a syringe full of heroin in her ass. Clooney probably wants to slap his 60 year old balls against your sweet virgin ass. Somebody called to get the clit off his butthole, but he was full of shit. Some lady who worked at San Diego Christian College got shit-canned for getting pregnant out of wedlock by her fiance, and then the mother fuckers tried to give the fiance the job. Shout out to the church for that load of bullshit. A few final calls came through, some guy called in to lie about stealing from the bank he worked at. Somebody wanted some advice about shedding a little bit of bacon around the waistline. Couple other people called for some other shit, but it didn’t amount to much, so not worth writing. In all my years, Ive found this to be universally true. Bitches be trippin’ off some straight up stupid shit, but that pussy is worth more than gold. Wrap it up though, the government is always trying to give the black man AIDS or put him on welfare for life. Red Dragons, mother fuckers. ,,rr,