I can’t wait till I make enough money to wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills. But on to more important things, my friends, it’s tuesday and it’s lunch time and the Ellis Show is on so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON’T YOU DARE CALL ASKING ME FOR ANYTHING!!! The show started today with a nice taste of E.L.O.’s Mr Blue sky and that always puts me in a great mood to wreck shit and fuck bitches. Ellis began the show on the topic of how important friends are. You never know when you’re gonna need to shave your friends tonight. But sometimes you gotta separate the wheat from the chaff and cut a few people off. Tully has been using his kid as a great way to get rid of people he doesn’t want to be friends with anymore (Champion move, MC Scoop, it’s like pawning all your roommates shit to get your security deposit back and then leaving the tickets where his coffee table used to be). Ellis has been thinking about how there’s some people that he probably wouldn’t be friends with if he met them today. It all depends on how much time you and your buddies talk about “The good ol’ days.” Long story short, can’t be a hermit, but don’t be scared to tell a mother fucker to kick rocks. Rawdog is gonna be catching up with an old friend this weekend, and it’s a GIRL!!! Here’s hoping Rumble McTumble gets to take a dip in the beef pool. Tully thinks that old MMA fighters should be put out to pasture by fighting with humongous padded gloves, and I think that sounds incredibly hilarious. Even an old fighter could still rape Rawdog instantaneously. Probably even quicker with the lights off. M. Night Shyamalan can suck a dick and stop making movies. You can’t make Bruce Willis into anyone other than John McClain. Ellis is gonna be taking a week next week, and he’s going to do a bit of everything, from MMA training to car racing and probably a bit of porn and Katie slamming, cuz hey, who wouldn’t want to include that in their next vacation? There’s some really shitty team names in all those obscure minor sports leagues. Makes sense, it’s like how shitty car companies can’t come up with good names for the rust bucket death traps they’re hawking. Rawdog is still hitting the gym and Ellis is starting to lose a bit of his gusto around the ab muscles. Rawdog still refuses to have the gym assign him a trainer for one god damn day to teach him how to do the shit properly. I wonder how bad a kidney stone hurts if you’ve got a hernia too? Rude Jude stopped by for his usual tuesday visit. Jude isn’t sponsored by anybody the way Ellis always has been, but his glasses are sponsored by pedophiles and Nazis. The other day, Ellis and Katie were in line at some cafe and spotted a lady with some Nazi skull on the back of it, but it was some Ed Hardy looking shit that I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anyway. Ellis once spotted a guy wearing a t-shirt of him in line at a movie theater. That’s a good feeling, take it from a guy who’s had his own signature t-shirt (yeah, I had to get them made myself, still made me feel like a champ though). Rude Jude said he once bagged a skinhead girl. She had a shitload of piercings and some of her holes smelled like doritos, and right when she was about to let him get some she shot him down cause Jude is like thrice removed related to a half Jewish bastard kid of some affair some relative of his had. And the reason this girl gave? The Jewish dick would spoil the pussy forever. I don’t know about you folks, but I’ve had Jewish pussy and my cock is still magnificent, so it sounds like a load of horse shit to me. Fuck whitey, seriously. She still blew him though. So it wasn’t all bad I guess. Next time you get the urge to go do shrooms in the forest, tell somebody where you’re gonna be. Someone like Robocop, or your Rawdog’s mom. Somebody offered Ellis some peyote and Jude just had to go encouraging it. Tully balanced it out with a little of the reality that it’s a shit idea when you’re a grown up with kids and a job and nobody to fill in for you on monday. The movie “Backdraft” is probably the biggest insult to firemen since 9/11 and the Baldwin brothers had problems picking roles even in 1993. Big Trouble in little China was the shit though. Kurt Russell is always gonna be a bad mother fucker. Have you ever watched a court movie and then had to go in an argue a speeding ticket? It’s nothing like the movies at all. Nothing is ever as awesome as advertised. Like the Snuggie. They’re gay as all hellfire on the commercials, but when you actually start using one, your life becomes a soundtrack of drum and bass music and pink pleather hot pants. Shout out to fire fighters though. And paramedics. My sister is a paramedic and her boyfriend is a fireman. Waitresses are always fucking their managers. Seems pretty logical to me, there isn’t too far to go in the wait staff game unless you’re willing to put up with a lot of things you really don’t want to do. Ben Affleck has had a few cinematic misses over the years *cough-cough* FUCKING REINDEER GAMES *cough* but he still got to slap his balls against J-Lo’s ass, so who really loses? That’s right, the customer. There was some more movie talk and discussion on what the best shitty movie is. (My recommendation: Rubber. It’s about a telepathic tire that wanders the desert blowing shit up with it’s mind. Why? No reason #LOLWinkyFaceComeTossMySalad) There were some phone calls too. We also heard sound from the movie “Gigli” where Ben Affleck beat up a retarded guy. It kinda makes me want to go rent it. The guys told Rude Jude about the Woodsman too, and now he’s really amped to get high as fuck and see it.
We heard a great news story about a twitter troll who almost brought the wrath of god down on himself from a former champion boxer. Take it from a guy who instigated a boxing match on twitter, make sure it’s being recorded and that all your friends are there to laugh. Brendan Schaub stopped by the studio today. The guys started off giving him ideas to have some Schaub-lets, which really is a solid plan no matter who you are. They talked fighting for a bit and how some people don’t realize it when they knock somebody right the fuck out. More fight talk, about Ellis’ last fight with Gabe Ruediger, and his pro boxing and MMA fights, how everybody’s got the same shitty fight pants, but it would be awesome to win with a knee strike to the head and your ass hanging out, and how sometimes people do coke at the worst possible times, like right before a UFC fight. Brendan drives a BMW and doesn’t let anybody valet it cause he’s a fuckin’ BAUSE! Hope there’s enough room in the back seat for the Schaub-lets. More fight talk, Cock chestner may be a stupid humongous bastard, but he keeps winning shit. Ellis still thinks UFC fights that have more stand up fighting are way better than two guys being 5% gay for three solid rounds. And this led to Brendan and Ellis making a bet that Ellis could avoid getting submitted through his superior boxing. UFC is still just as savage as pro football, but the extreme sports guys are still way crazier, according to Brendan. He used to be a tight end on the Buffalo Bills, so he probably has enough first hand experience to make those statements with no repercussions. Brendan is apparently too big to fuck 110lb girls, but he isn’t chasing water buffalo either. According to him, but still not really giving anybody else an exact answer on how big a lady get’s to ride the Schaub. Brendan is also an avid ghost hunter. While he may not have any trophies as of yet, he believes, and that trumps science any day. But the one plus of his supernatural hobby is that there is video of him shitting his pants. Strange to hear this kind of stuff from a guy who went to college and graduated with a double major. Then again, we have a Rawdog, so maybe college ain’t as special as we’re all meant to believe it is. The guys brought out the punch machine for Schaub to test his hands against and he got a respectable score albeit his aim was off. 33 for not even hitting the pad? Pretty good, all things considered. Ellis and Brendan had a quick jiu-jitsu session just as Mayhem showed up and it went both directions but ultimately Ellis came out on top. Then it was Rawdog’s turn on the mat with Brendan and that went exactly how everyone would have thought, but it’s always fun to abuse the Tussin Wolf.
We came back to hear a news story about how lack of sleep can make you a fat ass. Then Mayhem came in and just stared fucking everything in the ass like he always does. But that’s why we love him. Rawdog was bleeding, so the guys had a few minutes of material about how funny it is when the dog is hurt. The crew couldn’t leave the ghost topic alone. If a ghost started talking to you in your basement, would you start jacking off to see who’s gonna flinch first? How about shitting on the floor and then lubing up your nipples with it? All viable options to test that poltergeist’s mettle. We got back on the topic of shitty movies, and Rawdog came out swinging with a movie he found called “Day of the Dolphin” about a guy who trained a dolphin to kill the president. If birds had arms, they couldn’t fly anymore, but they could sure pick a mean banjo. Pendarvis has seen Day of the Dolphin, and said it was awesome way back in 1940’s Alabama, but may not have held up over the years. Mayhem and Ellis started trying to convince Rawdog to come do some jiu-jitsu training after watching his almost attempted assisted suicide a few minutes earlier. What would it be like if dolphins could talk and read news reports? Will Pendarvis came in to give us an example of just how it would be but before he could, Thomas Hayden Church sang a four or five month belated happy birthday to Jason and then Rawdog scratched our ears with his Jewish claws in a little segment known as New Music Tuesday. Josh did it a little different this time, he played the song first and then had everybody guess who it was. David Bowie is obsessed with death in his new album. Bon Jovi’s latest hit is a god damn travesty. The Dopplegangaz gave us some listenable but not timeless hip hop that had a lot of “ay, yo” in it. Some Australian lady dropped a tune that sounded like Audioslave meets Shania Twain. Bruno Mars dropped another one of his turds on the number one spot on the billboard charts. Somebody did a Justin Timberlake remix that could probably get you laid if you know how to spot a girl on molly. Sound City Soundtrack which is Dave Groehl’s band dropped a new one you can drink fight and fuck to. Adrenaline Bomb did a cover of Heart’s Barracuda and just the opening riff was respectable. A can of Budweiser made some Americana honky-tonk heap of shit that sounded like Eric Clapton. John Oates (the shittier non black half of Hall and Oates) made a song, good for him. Some euro hard rock band did another one and then Rawdog’s pick of the week was his normal complete outer edge of the solar system shit. When the music stopped, the townspeople rejoiced. Then we listened to some G’n’R and Steve Miller to bounce back to reality.
The Jingleberries dropped an epic song for the new producer Dom today, all about how his girl ex-friend ditched him in Mexico that one time. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Most expensive titties in Hollywood? Any guesses? You might be surprised to know it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt. And I gotta say, they’re pretty wonderful. Are they $5 million wonderful? I have to believe I could find some just as good for less. 40 Block is suing the game is suing The Game for $4.5 million for putting that street fight they had last month on YouTube. The breakdown of his amounts is pretty ridiculous too. Stephen Baldwin is going so broke that he can’t afford to pay his taxes. Glad the residuals from Bio-Dome are working out for him. Some website is posting celebrities financial info, like ways to get into their bank accounts and shit. Kinda fucked, but then again, the rich aren’t gonna use all of it, they could do to spread it around. Metallica is still writing new songs, but being awesome is getting in the way of the creative process. Justin Beiber is sold out as fuck and happens to be in Portugal at the moment. Motley Crue had to cut a show short because Vince Neil had to pass a kidney stone. More lemonade, bro, you’ll be right. Back to Beiber for a second, he almost fought a paparazzo the other day, cause he may be more of a sick cunt than we all thought. Ellis finally finished his homework assignment, and gave us his report on rocks. We learned that rocks can be smooth and rough. They can be inside other rocks. They can be big or small, and cost anywhere from $10 to $100, depending what you’re guy is carrying. They can live on the moon or underwater. Brocks, unlike rocks can suck dicks. You can’t fuck a rock. Rockafella records is tough. Rocks don’t get sad, they get even. Rocks don’t get high, but they can get you high. Rocks don’t melt in the sun. And the only thing tough about Rawdog is the rock that shot out of his piss hole. And of course there’s the stuff he left out, like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and there’s the rock lobster, rocking around the clock, the rocket man, rocking out with your cock out and the school of rock. Let there be rock!!! Mayhem gave us his report on Asian people. There’s a shitload of them, they eat rice and stir fried vegetables, and sometimes raw fish, and they do lots of fun stuff to your penis if you’re a professional fighter with hairy arms. They really dig the hairy arms. Hear more this friday at The Viper Room for Tiger Box!!! Tully found a story about a Yale student survey that shows that smart kids with money are into some freaky shit. 50% have engaged in consensual pain and 9% have been paid to do some fucky fucky! 3% even admitted to acts of beastiality. We got some phone calls, pretty much everything can be solved with a big fucking rock. And we heard some guys story about an Asian whore. He went out to a Christmas party and brought a hot Asian escort as his date. He later “plowed the guts out of her” THEN!!! He was at a hotel and got the same girl a few months later, he rented the same girl but he was high as fuck this time, and after they were done and he went catatonic for a few hours the bitch robbed him! Rocks are hard!!! That’s why they call it Rock and Roll. Allegedly, I would check the source on that. ROCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shout out to rock pocket Johnson, he’s gonna use rocks to decorate at some show his band is playing and the whores are all gonna give him herpes. Tully is gonna be giving us all kinds of cock rock this friday night on SiriusXM Hair Nation. We heard a story about a guy who broke into a storage unit and video surveillance may be able to link him to a bunch of other crimes because of the RIDICULOUSLY UNMISTAKABLE FACE TATTOO THAT EVERYONE HE ROBBED GOT ON CAMERA. Seriously, folks, couldn’t hurt to always have a pair of L’Eggs in your car, you never know when you’re gonna feel like committing a crime. More final calls about rocks, whores, smoking weed and/or not doing it any more, rocks, loads to the face (cause this is America god dammit), romance, home security, Wesley Snipes, man purses (or is it pursi?), dolphins that hunt mines and scuba divers with knives and guns attached to them (fuck yeah), rocks, the upcoming dolphin apocalypse (new contender for the monkeys, maybe?), getting rid of bitches, Dom the producer’s terrible handwriting, Chris Rock, and Joe Rowe burnt up a rock of hash just as the Bruce Lee music started going. When I was a wee lad, my dad sat me down on his knee and said “Son, you gotta make sure you smog check a lady before you grind your crankshaft.” It wasn’t until years later that I found out he was talking about anal.
Seriously ladies, if you’re gonna offer that too me, make sure you’re cleaned out first.
Red Dragons mother fuckers ,,rr,