Sweet shit of Christ, welcome to flavor country, bitches. It’s tuesday and if you’ve got a pair of titties you should let somebody suck on them. Today’s Ellis show started with talk about how seals are probably an endangered species because they shouldn’t be allowed to take care of themselves. Jason swam across one of these adorable sea creatures while it was sleeping and the fucker spazzed out like a cat that got hit with a cattle prod. And those baby seals? Pffftttt worthless. Rawdog brought up the point that cute animals deserve to die less than other ones. He’s kinda right, it’s way easier to eat a cow than a puppy. Tully couldn’t give a fuck, he’s eaten baby pig and enjoyed the hell out of it. Shout out to the Tarzana police for being easily persuadable. Ellis was driving home last night and of course, enjoying his Porsche, and when he got onto his street he shot out past a guy at a stop sign and what do you know? It was the fuzz. Ellis tried the old garage door opener trick, but no luck, the man had his shit surrounded. Ellis was all kinds of friendly, and chatted his way out of what was probably allegedly a felony. Sounds like the police were way friendlier than most of the ones I meet. The cops out here have no problem shaking down anybody who looks like they might have a couple spare dollars. Drive safe kids, especially if you plan o driving while brown, there’s different regulations about that depending where you are. Rude Jude absolutely had to chime in on this, being as it had to do with crime. He says the whole “fuck the police” thing is kinda over for him, as much as you might not like them, they are kinda necessary. Jude got pulled over dipping through traffic like a BAUSE and the cop just said “hey, knock off the grabass, we all got places to go.” Pendarvis has always had fun with police, or at least with people dressed as police, friskings and fun times in the back seat and possibly a few coked out nights in the 80’s at all the hot disco clubs. He got shook down for walking in Beverly Hills. That’s what happens when you’re in the 90210 without a chauffer. Somehow, this got into talk about people abusing Rawdog. Specifically, that Rawdog is kind of the abused girlfriend of the show. It’s kinda true, I suppose, but it’s just so fun picking on his bizarre eating habits and refusal to clean his shower and that beard and snowballing. It seems like we abuse him more when he has a girlfriend, like the show is jealous of him being successful. This brought up talk of Rawdog’s ex and that segued into talk of Adrianne Curry and Shoebox’s former relationship. Adrianne’s been talking about her new guy and how Shoebox is allegedly gay ever since the two of them broke up. I make it a point not to get in the middle of other people’s relationships, but I met her and she seems like an OK lady, and I’ve met Shoebox and he’s an OK guy. If you got anything to say about the two of them, talk to them about it. Apparently there’s some drama with Ellis and Andy Bell too, but the facts aren’t all in yet, so let’s just reserve judgement till we know what’s going on with it.
Jude came up with a fucking good idea for a future Ellis event, Shock collar basketball!!! Fuck, sign me up. and low backboards too. That shit would be all kinds of awesome. Ellis snowballed this into getting the female UFC crew on to the court, and Tully jumped up to say “fuck them hoes, I’ll take that game.” Sounds like something to sort out some details on cause I’d love to see it. Apparently nobody in Australia knows how to play basketball. Jude loves seeing girls beat men at athletic shit. Rawdog said “you’re welcome.” Jude went back to his day job and the boys took a break for some Metallica and AC/DC and i pounded down the rest of my burrito like a fucking champ. Then we got Hollywood news. Carly Rae Jepsen said no to performing at a Boy Scout Jamboree because Mormons don’t like gay people. Ironically, the band “Train” also cancelled and were killed by a helicopter (Tully’s words, not mine). Terrence Howard is starring in a porno with Oprah, and he’s really into them Tig’ ol’ bitties. Jim Jones, The Game and Bizzy Bone are all gonna start trying to get “makin’ it rain” approved as a tax write off. Rawdog is full homo for the IRS. Justin Beiber didn’t get that pink Corvette that he was promised for his birthday, and took it out on his fans by throwing a tantrum in the dressing room for two hours before a concert. Whitney Houston was once blackmailed for a quarter million dollars by some former employee, and it was a big enough deal to get the FBI involved and have them black out paperwork, and she FUCKING PAYED IT!!! Dennis Rodman is well on his way to a cabinet post in North Korea, he’s been on a cross-continental promotion tour with Kim Jong Un’s manifesto and drinking so much that his liver could crawl out and punch him in the dick and he wouldn’t drop. Elton John went on tour and asked for a separate hotel room for his sunglasses, and he looks a lot like Tully’s mom. The guys all gave themselves a homework assignment to write a report on something they have no business writing a report about. Some of the ideas floated were to have Rawdog write about the history of Australia and Jason could write about the history of Judaism. We also heard some good suggestions from the fans, the trucking industry, the oil industry, geology, assholism, the prize chamber, tittaaaaaaayssss, being in the military, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Vagina, and why everybody should stay in school.
Of course, it is tuesday, and there’s new music out, and Rawdog found a bunch of the worst of it for us. Lemme rephrase that, the most popular of what’s coming out this week. But first, AC/DC has their own wine. And it’s all named after their songs, except for “Whole lot of Rosee” which should be one but didn’t make the list. Talk about a band that refuses to die. Which is a perfect segue to bands we would like to die, also known as New Music Tuesday. Some of the new bands we heard were How To Destroy Angels, which is Trent Reznor’s new band with his uncommonly good looking wife and it was actually not as terrible as you might expect, we heard an unreleased Jimi Hendrix track that reminded me of a better time when musicians were musicians and setting your guitar on fire wasn’t the norm, Young Thug dropped a mixtape that sounded like a whole lot of other people’s shitty mixtapes, we heard an indie band called Rye (or Rai, or Rii, or however they could spell it to be cool before it’s cool) and they sounded like a lot of other shitty indie bands but the guy who sings sounds like a beautiful woman, Soilwork gave us more slow building monster mash metal that makes the kids all hyper, but it was actually kinda good in my opinion, some British guy named Rusty put out another techno song to make bitches lose they panties up in da club, Krokus gave us another rock anthem just a little too late to be considered a real anthem, Luke Bryan gave us a good ol’ country song about partying at spring break, They Might Be Giants (SQUEEEEE!!!!) came out with a new album that I will be masturbating with later, Capadonna dropped another Wu-Tang side project showing that it’s totally possible for a rapper to have talent, Enforcer gave us some rather tasty old school metal licks to helicopter our dicks to, and then Rawdog’s pick of the week was some ex-Sonic-Youth member’s side project called Chelsea Light Movement or some shit, and you’d have to be a Sonic Youth fan to be into it, so it’s way over my head.
We got to know our new producer Froyo Baggins a little better today, by getting him to punch, kick and headbutt the punch-o-meter of testicular fortitude (Not the official name, just something I’m kicking around the office). His first shot made Rawdog bounce off the wall, proving he may be more Viking than hippie. All three punches landed him a spot between Rob Corddry and the intern Anal Gay Lewis. His headbutting skills were just below Rawdog’s but when he took a fourth try he kinda knocked himself out smashing his head against the door. His kicks were one small spot under Ellis’, putting him as the, oh I dunno, 3rd or 5th strongest in the studio, definitely not first in line to get eaten after surviving a plane crash. After all that, our old stupid whore pals Rachael and Sarah popped back in for a visit. Being the cock hungry trollops they are, what better reason to have them come by than to give people sex advice. Some guy asked what’s the best time to ask for anal, the response: however long it takes to get your butthole spread open. But you gotta romance the chili ring first, and don’t get too aggressive. Unless she’s a total whore, then just go on ahead and pound that shit locker as long as you like. Another guy called in to allegedly have phone sex with the girls, but also to ask what do the girls do when they come across a flaccid dick, the general consensus was to bust out and find a real man, but if you’re feeling romantic, put on a puppet show with the cock. Next caller wanted to know (for his girlfriend) what you need to do to make a girl squirt. Long answer find the G-spot and get all acrobatic with the hands, short answer just piss on him. Somebody called in posing the question of which is better, circumcised or natural? The girls’ answer: COCK, and as big as you can get it. Sarah dropped a handful of ping pong balls out of her snatch just as another guy called in to ask what is the weirdest cock they ever saw. Sarah and Rachael sucked a homeless cock, and about halfway through they found a dead guy who had a hammerhead cock and shot a dead load into their mouths. Somebody asked what the best sex toys to bring to bed with a partner were, Sarah told us about her hard upbringing and how she couldn’t afford toys so she had to just go to the grocery store and browse the produce section. If you’ve bought an ear of corn in the last few years, Sarah has fucked it. Somebody called in to ask the best way to spice up his oral skills and when to incorporate the asshole, answer: see question number one. Rachael cut off somebody’s dick and played Buffalo Bill with it hanging out the back of her legs. Some dude wanted to know the best way to try and fit his balls all the way in his girlfriends pussy. somebody asked if there was any way to get his whole head up his girlfriend’s snatch. Rachael had to one up him by telling a story of fitting a guys head in with a motorcycle helmet and then taking a shit into the helmet with the head still in it. Some lame ass virgin called in wondering how to “flirt or fellatio” his way into a girl’s pants, but fuck that guy cause he’s a tool. next caller wanted to know what STD’s the girls have and what they feel like sharing with everybody. Rachael got rabies in her cunt cause she spilled french fries on it and a squirrel attacked it. Sarah likes herpes a lot and they both love every time they get the black plague. The girls are into role playing that they’re not whores and then they become whores. Sarah’s worst time in bed was when some guy only fucked her four times and she wanted so much more. Rachael’s worst time was when she was at a party full of hairy short people and she wasn’t feeling the scene, but she fucked everybody anyway, not just short people either, dogs, chickens, the whole menagerie. Sarah fucked Will Pendarvis, but didn’t know it at first cause it was dark. And that was all we heard from the whores. Then there was Danzig. MOTHERRRRRR………..
Cock news!!! A mentally challenged guy did the most metal thing ever and cut his dick off in front of a bunch of people. Fuck yeah, but what the fuck, all at the same time. It happened in India, and he was addicted to gambling, so he ran in to a barber shop, grabbed a razor and chopped his dick off. Makes enough sense to me, I suppose. Tully told us about a traffic stop that happened in, you guessed it, Florida, and when the cops searched the car, they found a little bag of coke in one of the guy’s fake legs, then they looked under a girl’s bra and found some pills, then the one good Samaritan of the group dove for the car to swallow the last piece of evidence, and pretty much exposed five more layers of this onion of hidden drugs all culminating in one of the girls hiding a syringe full of heroin in her ass. Clooney probably wants to slap his 60 year old balls against your sweet virgin ass. Somebody called to get the clit off his butthole, but he was full of shit. Some lady who worked at San Diego Christian College got shit-canned for getting pregnant out of wedlock by her fiance, and then the mother fuckers tried to give the fiance the job. Shout out to the church for that load of bullshit. A few final calls came through, some guy called in to lie about stealing from the bank he worked at. Somebody wanted some advice about shedding a little bit of bacon around the waistline. Couple other people called for some other shit, but it didn’t amount to much, so not worth writing. In all my years, Ive found this to be universally true. Bitches be trippin’ off some straight up stupid shit, but that pussy is worth more than gold. Wrap it up though, the government is always trying to give the black man AIDS or put him on welfare for life. Red Dragons, mother fuckers. ,,rr,