I promise the whole funk. The plain funk. Nothing but the funk! Nothing but the dawg in meeeeeeeee!!! Sorry, I had to. When the mood strikes, you just gotta let your inner black man out. Anyhow, good afternoon everybody. I hope your last bowel movement was a cleansing one. The show started today with Ellis telling us how hard it is to be a ho in Los Angeles. Almost as hard if you’re a customer. Gotta be a MAN if you’re gonna be selling that pussy. Or if you’re gonna be doing some anal rape. Not that we’re encouraging anal rape or anything. Tully admitted that Tom Cruise is still a very pretty man and he would definitely take a load to the grille from him. Ellis thinks Cruise is on steroids, but Tully thinks that there’s no way. Tom is way too good and wholesome for that. Stallone on the other hand is chock full of them, there’s just no fucking way he’s that old and still in that kind of shop. So take some roids, so you can make the ladies happy and the world will be a better place. You might just save your marriage. This led to some talk about whether or not people who are having relationship problems “aren’t firing on all cylinders” as Rawdog put it. Gotta keep the sex interesting so you’ll work harder and keep your kids in a decent living situation. And if you’re really late to the game of marriage and kids, you might just be fucking your golden years really hard and not know it until it’s too late to not be that creepy guy at the club lurking on ladies half your age. Ellis is planning on getting Rawdog into the extreme sport of quadding, headband on the radio and all. And if you’re a longtime fan like a lot of people, you know that Rawdog getting hurt is some of the most entertaining shit ever. It would be made all the better if the dog gets on the roids too, all shredded and backne and endless small jump failure. Some guy called in to back up the steroid argument. Well, actually testosterone, but pretty much the same thing. He said it saved his life, and you can’t really argue with those kinds of results. Ellis is on testosterone too, and said it definitely works for him, but he’s probably not getting the most out of it cause he doesn’t need to use his body as much now that he’s not officially a pro athlete. He has been getting into running a lot more lately though, cause there’s still no gym worth his time in Tarzana. There’s video of him struggling not to die at the top of a hill from this morning that should be up on Ellismania.com sometime real soon. Someone else called in to argue against steroids, saying that there’s no such thing as mellow steroids, and that any hormone supplement has the potential to shut off the stuff that you’re trying to fix in the first place. It’s all a matter of listening to your doctor, he’s probably smarter than you by a fucking long shot. I mean he IS a doctor and all, but hey, this is America, we balk at common sense all the time. Somehow, this led into a guy who called in to say that maybe roids aren’t the answer cause it may not be the ladies fault for not liking how a guy looks, maybe the guy just lost interest in the pussy. It all boils down to communication, I suppose. Some people need to just say what they think a little more often. And from time to time, just get in there and slam that ass, it can’t make things any worse. Turns out there’s a really big majority of people not waxing the pole more than a dozen or so times a year. A lady called in to ask why her husband didn’t want to fuck anymore, and she’s not worn out or super old or fat or a crack addict. She’s even willing to try new stuff. Again, communication seems to be key here. And no, slapping your nuts across their sleeping face does not count. Like actual words and stuff. Calls went like this for a while longer, ladies calling to see why their man won’t fuck them. Long story short, ASK HIM YOUR FUCKING SELF, and maybe do it in the presence of a relationship therapist so they can help you work it out together and you can both be dropping loads all over eachother. We finally got a call from a lady who was the one holding out on the man, and she seemed to shed a little more light on the situation. Basically, it came back to the debate on hormones and steroids and scheduling and talking to the dick or vag that you’re trying to slam. If it saves your life, do it. If you’re worried about the outcome, talk to a doctor first, not an afternoon comedy radio show. They’ve got experience, but this isn’t their specialty. They just think you should blow him or grab his penis aggressively without warning. Definitely don’t use the dick like a stress ball. That could get you gaybashed by actual gays. And as hilarious as it might be to see, you wouldn’t want it happening to you. More calls about ladies and guys not doing the fucky fucky they should be, it gets a little depressing when you think about it. The human race should be cumming a lot harder and a lot more often than it seems we are. It should be from the windows, to the walls, till the sweat drips from our worldwide collective balls. Our balls, our balls, SKEET SKEET SKEET SKEET!!! Let’s all fuck more often and maybe the world is gonna get to being a much better place. #PreCumForPresident I don’t even know why I just wrote that, but god dammit it felt right. Let’s get it trending, people.
Ever wonder why there’s so few Jews in Germany? Maybe it’s cause they’re all Nazis. But no, seriously, all Nazi jokes aside, why are there so few Jews in Germany? Maybe Mel Gibson had something to do with it. But the real point is, there’s gonna be a new exhibit at the Jewish museum in Berlin where they’re gonna keep a Jew in a glass box and field trip kids can ask him questions and press ham on the window at him. Dom came in with a bit that he cooked up to help get Rawdog in shape. It’s all physical fitness trivia, and for every question he gets right it’s one less exercise on their list that he has to do. He got a couple right, and had to exercise out the ones he got wrong, which I’m sure is gonna be sensational video on Ellismania.com at some point later on today. Seriously, I love seeing that guy try new physical maneuvers, it’s endlessly hilarious every time. From sloppy ass pushups, to burpees, to slapping pads for a minute straight to fucking up trying to do situps, I’m sure it was a sight to see and Ellis seemed to really get into motivating the Tussin Wolf to take a little better care of himself. Right around minute 10 or so, the Rawdog was seriously gassed but he powered through like a mother fucking boss. Ellis has been looking for a new place to live recently, and somehow had a talk with the ex (AndreaMate for those who were late to the party) and she actually did a bunch of work to try and help him find a new spot that works better for him. If I ever have another ex, I hope she’s that kind of solid good lady. That’s a seriously respectable move. Take a hint ladies, next time you break up with somebody, don’t scratch a vagina in the paint on his car, just do his taxes without him asking or something like that. You’ll always be the winner no matter who was wrong. A strange stroke of luck though, the place Ellis went to go check out ended up being lived in by one of the guys from the band Biohazard, who has definitely heard Ellis say that their band sucks and they’re never coming on the show. He was really friendly though, but Jason was getting awkward and trying to find excuses to leave every time the guy tried showing him around the condo he was looking at. But have no fear, cause Jason may have found an even sweeter crib a little later that day and he’s gonna be taking a look soon. News Time! Some two radio shitheads got in trouble for an April fool’s joke that about the water supply being tainted. Luckily, it was some couple of hillbillies on a crappy local station in the middle of fucking nowhere where the residents were dumb enough to fall for it. FLORIDAAAAA!!! FUCK YEAH!!! Senators are quickly starting to flip flop on their former opinions of gay marriage and jumping on board with the pro-apple slapping and taco bumping for life movement. Shout out to those guys. Glad they’re stepping out of the dark ages. North Korea keeps talking a bunch of shit to see how much it’s gonna take to get fucking slapped by the rest of the world. I think Kim Jong Un needs to fight pretty much anyone in the UFC and see how fucking tough he feels in the morning. And of course, what better way to stop talking politics than to start blasting Kiss of Poseidon? CAUSE YOU’RE A CUUUUUNNNNNTTTT!!!!!
Ever wondered what country has the fattest airline customers? That’s right, Samoa. Samoa air has recently done a study and found they have some of the biggest passengers out of all the world, and they’ve started charging accordingly. Oh yeah, we were also joined by Ronnie “KungFu” Faisst for this part of the show. For those who don’t know, he’s a freestyle motocross rider and he also beat the shit out of a very uncoordinated Donald Schultz at EllisMania 6, proving once again that motocross riders are some of the toughest assholes around. Way tougher than some extreme falling dickhead who hates the blecks. Recently, there’s been rumors that the X-Games announced that they’re going to stop doing best trick because too many people are dying. Which is kinda fair, but kinda bullshit too. Ronnie isn’t too phased by this, because he knows he’s still fast and can still do some pretty sweet shit when he leaves the ground in speed and style. The guys talked moto for a bit, y’know, jumping shit, people dying, people being awesome, why KTM sucks, the usual. Ronnie is apparently not the most sexually deviant action sports star around. He gets his, but he doesn’t chase it as religiously as some people do. Which is fine, if you’re into God and stuff and not a dick. To be fair, he does stay pretty busy doing his thing with Nuclear Cowboys and of course you gotta practice if you’re gonna stay good at moto. Ellis told Faisst all about his plans to turn his kids and girlfriend into a full moto family and Ronnie is backing it. They shared stories about people pulling off ridiculous fails trying to learn how to ride. Ronnie was teaching some kid on a 50 and the kid almost drove straight through the side of his house. Ellis let some girl ride some shitty 50 he had and she bricked and landed with the wheel between her legs and rugburned the shit out of her thighs with the tire. Ellis tried to teach his ex wife (not sure which one, he didn’t drop a name) how to ride one day and almost say her go ass over tea kettle just trying to take off, but she let go of the bike before it went bad. Good thing too, cause she was wearing a miniskirt at the time. Ronnie got a chance to put his name on the punch machine rankings, he managed to shoot up the ranks to second place after Ellis and above new producer Herpes Stroke Face. Not such breaking news, but Rawdog saw on Facebook that former producer Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft just recently was diagnosed with kidney stones. If you have well wishes to pass along to him, I’m sure he would appreciate it. Also, go see Nuclear Cowboys in Onatario, California, I repeat CALI-MOTHERFUCKING-FORNIA, NOT CANADA this Sunday. There’s gonna be an Ellis section where you can be easily spotted if you start any shit. Somehow the conversation started spiraling into religion, and the guys went really far out of their way to see if they could make Ronnie say some really homophobic Christian shit. It got pretty good for a religious debate, nothing like watching those lame fucks in Palestine and Israel talk at eachother. Seriously though, Ronnie Faisst is cool with the gays, even if Jesus isn’t. And anything is possible with God according to Ronnie, he can cure gay people but maybe not necessarily make Ellis’ hair grow back, but possibly could help Rawdog land a Hart Attack on a shitty no brand ATV. I hope to see these theories put to the test sometime soon, McTumble 75 feet in the air, Ellis coming his epic locks and a male ballerina setting down the dick and grabbing some vagina, all in one big photo montage. Considering that pastor that just got popped for selling meth and laundering the money through a porn shop, that mural would be the only advertising that could change my opinion on the whole thing at this point. Some people called in to chime in on the whole conversation, and it went on quite a while, but it was pretty damn funny and kind of intelligent considering the average intelligence level of the four people in the room. I get worn out on the argument, really, kind of goes to what they were talking about earlier, ask somebody who knows better if you want more information. This last hour of radio was just a lot of opinion. And as Tully has said, opinions are like assholes, everybody has one and they’re delicious. And what better way to end all the religious talk than with a song about how god isn’t real? LEST WE DROWN IN THEEEEEE DAAAAAAAAARKNEEEESSSS WWWIITTHHHIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! DoodoodooDOOdoodoodoo….
After the break, we got a wonderful piece of news about the new producer Dom, apparently he sometimes answers the phone “Hello” when people are calling the show. I’m sure this would throw off a lot of people, as the first caller that Dom had to screen live on the air called him a fucking moron and hung up. The next call he didn’t quite realize they were still testing him and he thought they were just calling live to the studio. While we all enjoy the pain of others, I personally get sick of doing my business spiel when I’m at work, but instead of getting lazy I’m usually tempted to just answer the phone “SUCK MY FUCKING COCK” -CLICK- and be done with it, but I power through, so Dom’s got no excuse. People were still calling in about being gay, and the guys had to lay a challenge out for Dom to really give gay a try to see if it’s true that you can choose to be gay. They asked him how things were going on his Growler account, and he said he’s been lagging on it, but is thinking of trying Grinder instead. The guys basically told him to step his game up and solicit some random gay sex that won’t actually be sex it’ll just be an interview or a mail-in questionnaire or some shit. With all the talk of gay sex, it seems like there could not be a better time for New Music Tuesday!!! Number one song in the country right now is by an old friend of the show Pink! Good for her, but it’s not my style. It showed true talent though, and that’s hard to find these days. New Kids On The Block apparently haven’t died, despite all of my greatest hopes and dreams. Suede, if you even remember them, got back together and cranked out some early-nineties-sap-rock-new-wave-revival type shit. Tyler from Odd Future dropped a new album, and if you’re into the hipstery nerd rap stuff, you’ll like it, even though it kinda bores the shit out of me. Some stank ass hoe called V-Nasty ripped off Taintstick and wrote a song called Fuck Your Face. It was very reflective of the current state of shitty rap music that has nothing going on but smoking weed and talking a bunch of shit about stupid shit. The backbone himself, Cullen, called in to defend anybody who wants this tiny lady to die in a ridiculous and comical fashion. Being that I live in Oakland where she is from, I could theoretically make it happen. Anyways, back to new music, Persephone is a metal band that actually had some pretty respectable style until they did the cookie monster voice thing and shat all over anything that might have made it art. Rawdog played some noise band called Wolf Eyes that sounded like a noise band and reminded me why I hate noise bands. Killswitch Engage has a new single that had the same basic effect as that band Persephone. Great riff, singer wants the band to fail, y’know, metal and shit. That Mackelroy dickhead that had that song thrift shop has some other single that was also on an iPhone commercial or some such shit. Alkaline Trio dropped their newest offering to the non-shite emo genre. Sounded like you could leave it on in the background and not be offended, but Tully couldn’t stop ripping on it. Mudhoney had a new song called Douchebags on Parade which totally took me back to elementary school, back when it was uncool to be cool and everything sucked, so great effort really. Bring me the Horizon made a song that had all the flavors of “New Hard Rock” that make me want to start a licensing process before you can get a guitar. Rawdog’s pick of the week was some band called Black Angels and it was the kind of semi-industrial-indie-heroin-rock that we would expect the dog to be listening to in his apartment by himself while browsing Grinder on a thursday morning. And of course, once again pretty much all of the music that has come out this year is very forgettable and won’t be talked about ever again. The guys gave Mackelmore one more try on a callers suggestion and while I ended up hating it even more, the guys ended up hating it just the same. And that was NMT. There was an Australian lady who used to work for Vogue who just put out a book about how models are kind of fucked up in the high fashion world. Anorexic, Bulemic, eating tissue to feel full, all the drugs, and she’s basically making all this public because she got booted from the industry over some bullshit. Some guy called in to back this story because he actually dated a model and she was pretty fucked up. I dated a young lady who wanted to be a model, and she had all the telltale signs of being a future member of this demographic. Not gonna lie though, I hung around for a bit, cause before she got a little methed out she was all kinds of fuckable. And as Ellis and Rawdog will agree, if you’re ridiculously hot and have nothing going on upstairs, we will get all you have by fucking you once, but we won’t leave because you still hold the power to crush our souls. So, I guess you’re welcome, ridiculously hot ladies. Final calls started coming in and it was a lot of the usual fare, people saying fuck Tully, baseless statements that have no context or relation to anything, ladies calling in to defend their bullshit, y’know, the kind of stuff that happens all around the world at any given second of the day.
Now, when I was young, I wasn’t the coolest kid. One day I was sitting in my room and my mom asked “How come you’re not out playing with your friends?” and I said “Because I don’t have any friends” and she said to me “here’s $20 and a dime rock, go to the store and get some baking soda and you’ll turn that into $100 and a whole bunch of friends.” And just like that, she was right. From that day on, I understood why a boy’s best friend is his mother.
Red Dragons mother fuckers ,,rr,