MY DICK!!! MY MOTHER FUCKING DICK MAN!!!! *Ahem* Sorry, you caught me in a bit of a crisis. Welcome to the Recap for tuesday’s Jason Ellis show. I promise not to mention my dick again unless you really ask me to or you start giving me signals like you really wanna hear about it. It is pretty majestic though. Anyways, today got started with Ellis telling us That while it’s nice to have a crew, it’s even better to start one, I.E., come up with your own shit. Maybe use it to do some good too. Rawdog chimed in to say that pretty much everybody is ripping off everybody. But Jason says that the Tumble is a true original, and I can’t find too many people who could prove him wrong. Rawdog started talking about how he’s a lot like his dad, and this got jason thinking whether or not he’s a thrill seeker because of his own dad. Totally possible. Good news though, Jason found a gym that isn’t full of pansies!!! Rawdog somehow copped to being so accidentally awesome that he’s stumbled and fallen with his fist in his head. Jason told a story about hitting a rock on his skateboard when he was a kid and eating shit all over the pavement. Tully’s self inflicted hilarity is a lot less dangerous, more comical than anything else. He has an old school coffee grinder, and occasionally, when the whole house is quiet, and the baby’s just gone to sleep, and he get’s up to take a piss and has to wander through the kitchen, somehow his hand lands right on the switch and that grinder fires up like a chorus of weed whackers through the entire house. This got to the topic of old movies and how even some of the classics may still be great in their own way, but they don’t hold up so well after a certain point. Rawdog told us he doesn’t get why Animal House was so funny. My rebuttal to that would be to ask him where the fuck he thinks the idea for project x came from? or Van Wilder? Maybe not the two greatest movies ever, but who started that formula? Animal House. Fuck you twice, with a broken stick mother fucker. Some guy called in to get advice about having massive headaches for two weeks straight. The best advice: go to a god damn doctor, an afternoon comedy radio show probably can’t help too much, especially not over the phone. But then again, if you did a lot of ecstasy, chances are you’ve gotten some with a bit of meth in it. That might be where your headaches are coming from. Only cure for meth induced headaches? AIDS. Good old AIDS, always coming through when you need it most. Tully still doesn’t get the appeal of meth, to him it seems like all the bad parts of cocaine but it lasts ten times longer. Everybody still thinks Rawdog needs to at least give both of them a try live on the radio for our entertainment. Somebody else called in to ask guitar questions. If you’re really looking to learn guitar, ask Tully. And bar chords. And fuck sheet music. And don’t perpetuate Incubus. If Sylvester Stallone ever tries to help you, don’t be an ungrateful asshole. Ever wonder why some movie stars look better than they did in the 80’s? Probably the makeup. Everybody in the 80’s was really into makeup that made them look like trannies. More meth questions, take Cialis before you fuck if you’re gonna be tweaking. Get yourself a nice priapism going. And don’t forget your Pedialyte. Some girl called in to talk about the Steubenville rape case. Fuck high school jocks and CNN for trying to glorify the rapists. Just my opinion, and another reason I never watch the news. We got a new segment today, as sung by Joshua Adam Richmond, ANUS NEWS!!! Shout out to the butt hole!!! Five failed intros and we finally got to hear what’s new in the world of the chili ring. Some video on the internet has been going around about some guy named Manus who was in a mixed martial arts fight and the announcer kept saying his name and it sounded like he was talking about “my anus”, having an arm stuck up it, bleeding anus, anus all over everything. We heard more anus news about former WWE star X-Pack and how he tore his anus so bad he almost fucking bled to death. Now that’s some fucking hardcore gay love. It was so bad they needed to do an emergency anal plastic surgery to keep him from joining Andre the Giant and the last Ultimate Warrior in that squared circle up in the sky. Rawdog’s roommate keeps leaving floaters that are making him late for work. Yes, the gay roommate, the one that probably has never needed emergency barking spider surgery. If Rawdog wants some respect, he should get a tattoo of a woman blowing a horse. Cause then he’ll be easy like sunday morning, much like the first music break was.
So, the NFL will finally have an openly gay player sometime in the next season. We don’t know which one, just that someone in the NFL is seriously considering coming out of the closet. My guess? Jamarcus Russell, formerly of the Oakland Raiders. Seriously though, they’re all grabbing balls from between someone else’ legs and dog piling all over the place, so as far as I’m concerned the NFL should just go ahead and wear the GLAAD flag proudly so we can stop making assumptions about it. Herpes stroke face came in with a new game, basically they had to answer trivia questions before a match burned all the way down to their fingertips. Or in Rawdog’s case, his jism crusted toes. Then they brought in the blindfold and it started really getting to be my kind of party. Somehow, this game seemed to be an exercise in Rawdog’s many character flaws and how stick matches are basically useless nowadays. But it was still fun listening to Rawdog not being able to associate basic descriptions of positive characteristics about a person. Kudos, gang! And Dom doesn’t know how to buy proper matches. To the extent that it dragged out this game way longer than it probably would have gone normally. Next time though, toilet paper underwear for Dom. And if that wasn’t enough to make you hate society, there’s now Taco Bell Doritos taco flavored Doritos!!! If there’s ever a good reason to kill yourself, that would be it. Taco Bell is still dangerous, though. Don’t trust the steak, and I know for a fact that the ground beef is deep fried in a dissolvable bag. Tully almost set his house on fire trying to barbecue once. Luckily though, his semi-retarded neighbor noticed that it smelled like Korean barbecue out there. Rawdog has never had lobster, and I’m sure the more Kosher members of the Jewish community would like it to stay that way. But Rawdog’s reason for not trying it is not religious, it’s cause it looks like too much work. This gave Ellis and Tully the idea that maybe if they got a hot lady to baby-bird him foods he’s never tried, they may be able to encourage him to try new things. Of course, being the Illusionist that he is, he was resistant at first, but came around to it in the end. In national news, the American government has just approved $1.5 million in federal grant money to study why it came to be that lesbians are, more often than not, kinda fat. Shout out to saying fuck the government. A lesbian actually called in to explain how women are less superficial with eachother in that kind of relationship, which makes a fair amount of sense. Plus they’re always being told how to look by the lying ass media machine and because they’re kind of a fringe group they like saying fuck the norm. Pretty solid answer to the whole study as far as I can tell, so how about we give that lady the money? Another guy called to tell the guys about his teeny little lesbian friend brought him to a lesbian party, and the vast vast vast majority of them were lady hell’s angels lookalikes. Another guy called to tell us about the two smoking hot ass lesbians that live next door and how he’s occasionally watched them in their hot tub getting frisky on a cool summer’s night. Nothing potentially illegal about that. Ever wonder if gay guys are as picky as lesbians? Or for that matter straight men? Probably, they do seem way more into the way shit looks. But anyways, enough with trying to figure out why people like what they like. I like titties and cheese and gummi bears and fast cars, I don’t question why, they’re all just fucking wonderful. Speaking of lesbians and whatnot, Margaret Cho recently got a lot of dirty looks at some Korean spa type place because she’s got tattoos all over her. Could be a Korean thing, but it seems like there’s way more legitimate reasons to give people shit. Of course, if you’re Margaret fucking Cho, there should be no reason for Korean people to have a problem with you. And if we’re gonna give people shit for adding stuff to themselves, I’d like to nominate people who get implants. Some boob jobs are ok, but people are going a little crazy with it. Some guy actually thought his calves wee holding him back so he got fucking calf implants and looked like a god damn alien. Seriously folks, some shit just does not need to be messed with.
Does anybody give a fuck about My Little Pony anymore? I know I never did, but apparently it’s big fucking news, which is why Blasko had to be in studio to hear about it. For one thing, there’s My Little Pony porn (which I now totally need to look for when I get a few minutes), and also the guy who makes most of this porn got a cease and desist letter from a guy claiming to be Twilight Sparkle’s fiance. Dude is pretty agro too, like he’s really gonna be marrying a cartoon horse. Which bounces off my last point about killing yourself because of the new flavor of Doritos. Rawdog had no problem explaining all the sick depraved shit that happens in My Little Pony porn, so I bet if he was engaged to one of them, they would be swingers. Do you think the Grimace could sodomize the Little Mermaid? Jason had this debate with Devin already, but some people still think it’s possible. And of course, everyone knows that all mermaids vomit diarrhea. Blasko knew a guy in elementary school who was madly in love with Daphne from Scooby-Doo, but the guy never went as far as taking a doll to a romantic evening out at a vegetarian restaurant. One good thing about a man/fictional character relationship though, you could talk to your stuffed animal in public about how hard and rough you’re about to rape them, and nobody can do a god damn thing about it. It was about this time that Jason finally understood that the people they were talking about weren’t into ponies, just into My Little Pony. He got the message when somebody tweeted at the show. However, we did get to hear a little bit of Neigh Slayer, the My Little Pony metal band. They were just as terrible as you might think, so lets move along. Tony the Brony called in to deny being a Brony, but tell us a bit about being a Brony. Apparently, it’s all about love and it’s a really high quality cartoon if you’re a seven year old girl, or a sexually confused man with a serious disconnect from reality. Perfect segue for Get The Cock Off Your Chest though, as I’m sure a lot of Bronys have something long and veiny on the front of their torso. A guy called up to tell a story about how he fucked his uncle’s girlfriend a bunch of times a little while before she married the uncle. Another guy called to say that while he was out with his buddy and his girlfriend and they were having a threesome and in the middle of getting his dick sucked he realized it was his friend and not the girl. Next caller had a tale about when he was in college and he wanted to try sex in public with is girlfriend, so they went out on a boat and started pounding and sure enough a cop shows up and he freaked out, pushed his girlfriend out of the boat, tried to make a quick escape and ended up hitting his girlfriend with the boat. Red Dragons to you sir. Next caller told us about how he’s cheated on every girlfriend he’s ever had. The next caller banged his best friends sister, and years later the friend admitted he was gay and had a crush on him from way back when. Up next, we had a guy who claimed he shot a load in his own face and it was totally by accident. And not just in the face, but in the god damn eye. We heard from a guy who is happily married but can’t stop going out for rub and tug massages. Shout out to Rubmaps.com, you have a supporter in the Jason Ellis show. This got into a whole long conversation about infidelity and therapy and just how creepy some of these massage parlors really are. Which is why we here at NoYouAre.lixlink.com also fully support Rubmaps.com, so that you can be sure you’re getting a quality deep tissue treatment with a nice corkscrew and harmonica-style happy ending. Back to GTCOYC, a caller had two stories for us, one about getting kicked out of the military for popping ecstasy, and another about how he had gay sex one time a long while back, and now that he’s grown up with a wife and kid, he still thinks about that one guy quite a bit. Next guy that called in to tell us how he banged his best friends mom a bunch of times, the way many of us probably wanted to to at least one of our friends moms. After that, we heard from a guy who got jerked off till his dick looked like hamburger meat. Next guy called to tell us about a cat house that was run by an off duty cop years ago in his town. Next was a dude who got cheated on by his wife and wasn’t sure whether or not to get a divorce. Ellis told him that if you don’t have kids, get the fuck out. This sparked a bit of conversation about cheating and how guys and girls are totally different in all the insecurities we have. Blasko and Ellis being probably the most knowledgeable on this, they were able to explain it to the more simple minded of us. Next caller told us about how we went to a rub and tug got his salad tossed by his masseuse. After that, we heard a story that happened at an EllisMania, where a guy and his two friends were having massive orgies all over at some friends wedding and pounded more pussy once he got to Vegas and then flew back home to his girlfriend and almost got caught cause he kept getting STD tests every week. All in all, a very successful round of cocks being removed from chests. And Blasko is a rock star, so he got to stick around for the rest of the afternoon too.
BREAKING NEWS FROM TWITTER!!! Courtesy of @LewTallica, Dish nation is almost a complete ripoff of Howard Stern! And Dish Nation tweeted at the show to say “We’re very similar but different!” which sounds like typical Hollywood bullshit to get out of being sued for copyright infringement. Blasko gave us a punch machine test and scored right above Rawdog and just below Jizz Cult. The guys tried to revisit the match game for Herpes Stroke Face, this time with Dom as the victim. This time, it went a lot better, with Dom being burned and punched in the dick and answering all kinds of stuff incorrectly in the most ridiculous fashion imaginable. Final calls came right after, and they didn’t pan out to much, so the guys cut the show off to let Tony Hawk go on the air on time. I’ve gotta say, in the time I’ve spent on this earth, there’s been a lot of important things I’ve learned. One of the most important things I’ve come to grips with is the fact that there’s plenty of fine looking women in the world, but they won’t all bring you lasagne at work, cause all that women’s lib shit is what killed home ec in high schools. None of them even bother learning to cook anymore and that’s why your kids are fat and your mom’s a fucking sea donkey.
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,