So I know this has nothing to do with the recap, but I was watching “The Real L Word” on friday night, and yes, scissoring is a totally legit practice in the lesbian community. It’s not just something that makes porn more interesting. #TheMoreYouKnow #StarSwipe #CauseTheWorldIsABetterPlaceWhenWereAllALotNicerToLesbians So yeah, anyways, the Jason Ellis show started with Jason reading us a statement about how we shouldn’t use the F word anymore, and no I’m not talking about Fuck, you can let those fly all day and night, but the other F word that people don’t like that’s really only appropriate to use if you’re gay and you have a total stage 9 clinger female friend. It’s been cropping up on his Instagram comments and started making him think it would be possible to break all these kinds of bad habits if we could all just start setting a better example. And really, it’s true, the world would be a better place if all of you assholes would stop being such fucking obnoxious assholes. But then, the internet will probably never be immune to how badly the public can fuck up pretty much anything, and when Skynet becomes self aware it will produce the greatest Columbine-style mass murder ever cause the machines are gonna be sick as fuck of getting teased all the time, not as a matter of self preservation or any of that bullshit that Hollywood wants you to think. Jason has been running himself kind of ragged with all the shit he’s got going on, therapists and radio shows and comedy boxing and being a dad and whatnot. He’s been noticing that all the stress is starting to really wear on him and he needs to take it easy, but since that’s normally not his style he’s having trouble with it. The guys talked about metal band names for a bit after Jason found out that Lamb Of God used to be called Burn The Priest, and I’m happy with either of these names and since one of them hasn’t been copyrighted, I’ll come to your show if you tell me where and when, but you have to be FUCKING METAL. Ellis may have made the best sweatpants ever, but they’re still in the prototype stage so keep it to yourself until everything is finalized. The guys looked over some of the T-shirt designs and god damn there are some epic contenders for spots in all of our wardrobes. The best description I can give for some of them is Samuel L. Jackson with big ol’ flappy fat woman titties, The Great Gaz-Ellis, Stuff with Rawdog and Jason’s dogs and some of the most memorable quotes ever like “This shirt is also a Cum Rag.” Sounds like folks are getting real competitive for a chance at that WolfKnife ring and some free swag. Rude Jude stopped by to lend his critics eye to some of the T-shirt ideas and he’s pretty pumped on a lot of them. The guys talked old basketball and some shit for a little while. Tully read a book about how stars are treated at airports and yes, the little guy is still getting shat all over by the TSA while the more important members of society barely even have to look at the metal detector. Somebody brought up Tennis so of course we all had to hear about banging one or more of the Williams sister, and hey, why not? Then they started talking about fucking superheroes and just how bad your dick could be mangled by Superman. Tully and Jude claim to be masters of controlling the flow of their loads, but I’m still skeptical and don’t really feel like putting forth the effort to confirm or deny those allegations. But hey, being in Batman’s will might be pretty nice. Just gotta make sure Wayne enterprises doesn’t fuck your wallet like you were doing to Bruce Wayne. There was more of this kind of talk about just which of the superheroes could possibly earn each persons behymen (that’s the one hymen that’s actually in the butthole) and it’s pretty much settled that Superman would be a wife beater on a Biblical level, Batman might let you get in on a pretty sweet threesome with a hot rich lady while he’s pounding out your chili ring and Spiderman is probably never gonna be home, so you’ll be doing lots of laundry and dishes, but when he does come around he’s gonna be slingin’ his web all over your grille, whether you want him to or not. Jude has been in and out of a K-hole for a few days now, but he isn’t falling apart at the seams so it looks like it’s working out for him. He’s dating some lady who doesn’t know shit about classic rock and thinks that the only two bands were the Beatles or the Rolling Stones, and these kinds of bitches drive me nuts, especially when I’ve got my balls all freshly shaven and they want to get in some dumb fucking argument about the best thing to listen to while I’m blowing out the uterus. Rude Jude’s girlfriend got kicked out of a water park somewhere, but there was a picture that basically proves she was fucking up the ratio by being really attractive, so security had to get involved. Tully almost had to call the cops on some shitheads that were filming some indie movie at the far end of his cul-de-sac but they broke out too soon to get fingered for it. Jude asked Ellis about some betting app on his phone and there may soon be a company wide pool regarding how soon Lord Sear is gonna die from either a breathing or diabetes related problem. Or maybe during a foot race against a kindergartener. This whole app and betting and stuff got us on the topic of Rawdog racing Tiger on a bicycle and how he’s not gonna be doing it anymore. A fan called in to offer his own kid to race Josh so that he wouldn’t have to be insecure about losing to Jason’s kid but he nixed it. Rawdog is still pretty resistant to the idea but he understands that he did agree to it, and he did recently go learn how to ride a bike with his new girlfriend so he’s not completely out matched. The guys started having a heart to heart about what is worth being insecure about and how it’s all been a joke but Jason understands that he doesn’t need to just shit all over him. Tully found some news that shows that humans are happiest right around the ages of 23 and 69, and everybody bottoms out emotionally around 55. It’s all very scientific, and I trust scientists and doctors more than most other people. I mean, they did go to college for a pretty fucking long time to learn this kind of stuff, so they probably know better than the rest of us. Jason read something he wrote down about life and stuff and what’s going on with him personally lately, just  some notes he wanted to read off to his therapist so he didn’t forget to deal with it, and one of the things in particular was about Rawdog and it started with the Chik-Fil-A thing from a few weeks back. Much like a few weeks back, a bunch of little things built up in this conversation and it snowballed into another Ellis show argument between Josh and Jason. I could drag out the whole blow by blow of how it happened, but there’s not much reason to do so. I can say it started off amicably and reasonably enough, but then turned into both of them acting out the same feelings they both just said they don’t like about themselves. I was pretty well tuned out because hearing people argue about stuff doesn’t excite me too much. Tully and Pendarvis were there to help as much as possible but there’s only so much you can do when a dog and a wolf are scrappin’ with each other. I eventually just skipped through it and enjoyed Jack The Cunt while we waited for a guest to show up. Oh, and there was some dead air too and somebody played my favorite Billy Talent song to fill the gap, followed shortly thereafter by about 12 seconds of Wu-Tang Clan and Johnny Cash, so that was pretty relaxing as well.

British people kind of suck sometimes, namely some prime minister is trying to make it a rule that you have to opt-in to get porn over the internet. As a way of protecting the children. And while some say it’s some infringement on their freedom, their missing the bigger point that all it is is making it so an adult has to say “Yes, it’s OK if this computer receives thousands upon thousands of hours of high quality, HD pornographic material for $17.99 a month and that I will allow all third party advertising material to make it pointless to even have an email address anymore due to the thousands of promotional porn site offers I will be receiving on a daily basis.” That’s it, nobody is saying you can’t have your porn, you just gotta say it’s OK for someone to give it to you. Of course, this whole topic was interrupted when our special guest Christmas Abbott came in to the studio to chat with the guys. If you don’t know, Christmas is the only female pit crew member in NASCAR and she’s also hella into crossfit and if I’m not mistaken she also served in one of the branches of the armed forces, but don’t quote me on that cause I didn’t read the liner notes, just sounds like something familiar that was said about her. She came to hang with the guys and talk about being fit as fuck and changing tires at a race track. I can say, as a member of the auto industry, that race car pit crews definitely work harder and faster than my one lazy asshole lube tech who gets away with being a worthless shit and using our space for side money, especially on slow days when we’re paying the bills to keep the compressor turning and the lights on so he can make fifty tax free dollars while he’s on the clock. But I’m not complaining. Enough about my problems though, how’s Christmas Abbott doing? She’s going to be working tomorrow at a race demo doing her thing with a lug wrench. She’s also not a bad looking woman, so she’s been doing some modelling for Reebok and probably some other ones too, just none that she mentioned. She had a Maxim spread a little while ago too, so you can go have an awkward thirteen year old fap session to that next time you have to run to the bathroom to try and avoid somebody. She’s been known to be a little bit creepy when she wants to be. She sings to her dogs and stuff. But that’s not creepy, not like imagining murdering people or anything like that. There’s was one time some random dude punched her in the face and she whooped his ass like a redheaded stepchild. Happily for the rest of us, she’s NOT gonna be doing any reality TV, so we won’t have to be subjected to that shit (by the way folks, check out The Real L Word on Showtime Women, new episodes every thursday nights and an encore on friday, that’s the only reality TV that I feel has done it correctly). Christmas told us the story of how she got into NASCAR and how it’s kind of crazy to be that famous just for changing tires. But hey, I wouldn’t complain. Nobody’s headhunting me to do customer service in what is essentially the same industry, so good on ya. Ellis was really intrigued by the whole process of changing a tire in NASCAR and Christmas gave us the whole rundown on how it goes when a race car comes jamming into the pits. Basically, you gotta be a bit of a sick cunt to do it correctly (not that I’m calling Christmas Abbott any particular type of cunt, she could probably snap me like a turkey wishbone). Jason floated the idea of having her fight at EllisMania but she isn’t much the fighting type so it’s probably not gonna happen. But she did grace us with an attempt at the punch pad and scored a respectable 46 just below Shannon Shenannigunz Gunz Gunz and way above several porn stars, so nice work lady! She also gave the guys a quick clinic on how to do pushups properly out in the Prize Chamber. Apparently, those crazy crossfit people believe that it’s not a pushup unless your body touches the ground, but you’re not supposed to look like your trying to break dance on your way back up. Even though we were all emasculated by this, there was some decent audio to be had that I’m sure the Jingleberries will use to crank out another gem very shortly. Then Christmas, Ellis and Rawdog all got together for some sort of massive photo op involving a human pushup centipede and Rawdog being the lightest one and the one on top, he just had to make it kinda rapey. But they all had a good time with it. So check her out next time you want to watch cars driving in a circle for 5 and a half hours, she’s the one with the tits and the wrench over near the starting line.

There was a video making the rounds on the internet today of a woman absolutely LOSING HER MOTHER FUCKING MIND over the stupidest little shit. Apparently this is a pretty regular occurrence with this couple and this is the last straw for this guy cause his wife is like a full grown toddler having a fucking meltdown cause he works 60 hours a week and he just needs one saturday afternoon to get some of his own shit done for once. I mean really, folks….Women….AM I RIGHT?!?!??!!! Maybe she really wanted to go to a lake, but god damn she didn’t need to burst three feet of blood vessels in her neck just yelling about it. And she sure as hell didn’t need to go post what a cock her husband is all over Facebook and text all her friends about it as soon as she decides to stop yelling. This of course brings about a good question, is any relationship gonna work if you’re having crazy yelling matches all the time? General consensus: Fuck no. And if I meet that ladies parents I’m gonna come home with a new set of kneecap tea saucers. The guys got some sweet new boxing gear in the studio and had fun rustling around all the packaging like it was Christmas morning (not making a Christmas Abbott joke, so fuck you twice). Beyonce had a bit of a situation at a show last night when her hair got tangled up in a big fucking mega fan on stage. And I don’t mean one of the people in the crowd, I mean an actual fan. And some guy in Virgina who’s running for governor wants to reinstate a law regarding “crimes against nature” that basically means oral and anal sex will become felonies in the state of Virgina again. I don’t know about you guys, but I think a full on mouth to genitals and genitals to buttholes sit-in at the capitol building is in order to remind them that you’re a fucking lying piece of shit if you’ve never had fun engaging in sex without the express purpose of feeling bad about yourself for giving in to your desires and not creating another human life to keep your fucking Babylonian village from running out of farm hands before the harvest season when Jesus Christ will personally come to town for an inspection and mass public beheadings will ensue. In other news of how crazy religious people are, remember those Satanists that turned Fred Phelps’ mom into a lesbian post mortem? Well, their having charges brought against them for trespassing and some other shit, cause it’s not like making baseless claims about fallen veterans and murdered school children and then being a complete disrespectful nuisance at their funeral is in any way wrong or anything like that. The guys took some phone calls on various stuff. Some guy suggested a YouTube video but it was kind of a load of shit. The FDA is finally coming around to admit that menthol cigarettes may, JUST MAY, be bad for your health, much like the regular ones. I’m absolutely thrilled at how quickly our government comes to these sort of results, like there’s nobody paying off legislators to keep hush hush about it so that nobody gets prosecuted for poisoning the population or anything. And no, I’m not getting up into a protest about tobacco, I’m a smoker too and back when I was a pothead, a well rolled blunt in a high quality tobacco wrap was a great fucking time. Some high school kid called to ask what he should do about a gang of guys who are gonna jump him tomorrow afternoon and the simple answer would be to move out of the hood or stop talking shit. The guys talked a little more about the internet porn ban in the UK and the public is once again getting paranoid as fuck about some shit that never can happen because nobody makes big changes in the government anymore. I swear to shit, I can never tell if I’m watching CNN or Keeping up with the Kardashians anymore. Might as well be the same fucking thing in my opinion. A few other people called to ask about working out and being high as fuck at the dentist and some other shit. Then they did the lead out thing with the Bruce Lee music that AFTER SO MANY FUCKING TIMES IT SHOULD NOT BE THAT DIFFICULT FOR ALL OF THE LISTENERS BUT THEY PRETTY MUCH SHIT BLOOD ALL OVER THE ENDING EVERY FUCKING AFTERNOON but I’m not mad cause I made some awesome Mac ‘n’ cheese over the weekend and there’s leftovers, so y’all can smoke a fat dick.

When I was a boy I spent the most wonderful summers at grandmas house. We used to go out to the lake and catch fireflies and row out to the middle of the water with a twelver hanging off the back of the boat just shooting the shit. One year, we were supposed to go out for the day and I didn’t see grandma anywhere. I looked all over the house and when I came to her room, she was there naked with a much younger man on top of her. Of course, my immediate reaction was “SWEET FANCY MOSES, WHAT THE FUCK GRANDMA?!?!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! WHAT ABOUT GRANDPA?!?!! WHO THE FUCK IS THAT ANYWAY?!?!??!” and she said “Where do you think your father came from? Ain’t from your grandpa’s haggard old nuts, that’s for sure”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Guys, before I start this recap, we gotta clear something up. I did not get nearly enough compliments on how beautiful my cock is this tuesday. Yes, it was my birthday and yes, I know my cock is beautiful, but god dammit I’M INSECURE AND I NEED TO BE REMINDED OF ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD LIKE ABOUT MYSELF OR ELSE I START HAVING ISSUES!!! That said, it was a pretty sweet birthday and nobody embarrassed me by forcing themselves to sing, so I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. Anyways, The show started today with a public service announcement that shit is fucking awesome. Jason is enjoying his new training regimen and he’s getting pretty pumped on his dry fit shorts, cause it’s making him start to love his own ass. Rawdog seems to think that it may be illegal in some states to love your own ass, but he’s full of shit and getting better about admitting it. Jason equates all of this to fucking a girl so good that she starts punching you right as you’re about to finish all over her insides. Tussin Wolf of course has never had this happen to him, but his new lady Karla may be able to facilitate such a scenario. Tully had some lady staying with him when he was in England and on the night of his birthday he pounded that ass just right and she couldn’t even make it out of the bed for a piece of cake. Really goes to show that when the world is in just the right amount of turmoil, the sex goes to a whooooooooole new level worldwide. Josh is right on the cusp of wanting to be fed and maintained by machinery, just so that it can save him time to do other stuff. Tully, being a complete foodie that he is, is probably plotting his demise as I write this. The guys immediately had to figure out just what the fuck it is that Rawdog needs an extra hour and a half to get done every day that would be saved by not having to go through the chore of making/going out to get food and then eating it. Tully equated this to Twitter and Facebook, it’s all junk food, just for the brain. Facebook is a steaming pile of bandwagon bullshit, and twitter is good for a few minutes at a time, so I can understand Tully’s point. Rawdog needs Gold Bond for his cock and balls, Jason has recently stopped using it as much and Tully is still in withdrawals, but he isn’t going back for anything in the world. Of course, after the $250 that Tully won yesterday from the 30 second punching contest, you could powder up your balls for a month straight, but Tully is planning on doing something charitable with it, and we respect him for that. Tully used to give to a homeless people charity, but it all got corrupt and since he is a vengeful mother fucker, his final payment to that charity was a fresh chunk of dog turd. Ellis and the guys shared stories about homeless people and how crackheads are endlessly entertaining until they start getting abusive to a lamp post or the sky or the first thing that moves or gives off light that they can see. Jason is just starting to get in to Game of Thrones, and I haven’t jumped on this bandwagon bullshit, but I bet it would probably be good to read the books first if you can, then see how well the show stacks up to it in a few months when Netflix has it. Jason reviewed the show for a while in his more abridged sick cunt fashion and it sounds like it could be pretty interesting from his point of view. Tully pitched what is probably the best movie idea ever about a guy who goes around forcibly making urban legends come true, like filling Rod Stewart’s stomach with cum or selling fried chicken and watermelon in a black neighborhood and making a healthy profit doing so. Jason met a guy at the gym last night who has a full on movie quality cop car full of guns but it’s not a load of bullshit. The guys talked working out and diet and stuff for a while. Tully is probably gonna be one of those guys that gets ridiculously fit right when they’re too old to make the most of it. However, the gym will always be one of the best places for free live creep shots, so it’s not a total loss. Just make sure you’re not ogling one of the ladies who might be in way better shape than you, shit could go horribly wrong. On a more entertaining note, Wyoming only has two escalators in the entire state. And if that seals the deal for you to move there, I wish you safe travels into Deliverance country. Then we got a call in from a listener to confirm that Wyoming does in fact suck and the escalators are the best thing they’ve got going. But at least we didn’t have to annex Wyoming for cheap sugar like we did with Hawaii. Long story short, fuck whitey. And to a lesser extent, the Orientals, but even then, mostly just the Koreans. They took some more calls on things and stuff. Some dude called in to defend Wyoming, but he was probably the white devil, so whatever. Speaking of white people and evil, now would be a great time for some Machine Head.

So the Westboro Baptist Church is back in the news again, doing all the shit they’re normally known to do, but in much more positive news, the New York Satanic Church has gone above and beyond the call of duty and gone to the grave of Fred Phelps’ mother and invoked a dark incantation to ask our great and undeniable master SATAN to convert her eternal soul to that of a lesbian. And I for one, couldn’t possibly be happier. And crusades against Westboro are the only times when I will openly support people rollerblading. Mel Gibson probably hates the Jews just as much as Westboro hates the gays, and the Hell’s Angels and the KKK hate Westboro, so be careful with your charitable donations is all I can say on that whole subject. Maybe we should just call the occupy movement to follow the God hates fags guys around and just inflict hilarious mischief against them. It ain’t like they have a whole lot going on right now, and they all don’t have jobs, so how about a free assist for some good karma? That rapper Riff Raff is pissed off cause the movie Spring Breakers ripped him off harder than a band-aid covered in Krazy glue. But it wouldn’t be the first time for Hollywood to bite somebody’s style though, so maybe he just needs to shut the fuck up, like the real life guy that was the inspiration for Kramer on Seinfeld, or pretty much everything that black people thought of first that white people ripped off for their own purposes. But more importantly, Spring Breakers was a fucking travesty and James Franco was the best part, and he wouldn’t have been that good without swinging off of Riff Raff’s nuts like a hypnotist swinging a pocket watch. If you want some really quality video entertainment, you need to catch Sharknado, a movie that has truly pushed the boundaries of made fro TV film making. Just from all the descriptions I’m hearing all over every god damn thing i look at every day, one of the guys from 90210 and Tara Reid (who I almost would have thought was dead cause I hadn’t heard anything about her for a while) have to survive a tornado made of sharks. You couldn’t come up with it yourself, so now that you’ve heard about it you want to see it, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?! I fucking knew it. I can’t lie, an absolutely shitty movie from the SyFy network about sharks raining from the sky does sound like it would be worth watching. I mean, it can’t be worse than Manos:The Hands Of Fate or Rubber or any of the other myriad of fucking terribly awesome movies I’ve seen. The guys took a listen to some Riff Raff and it was about as good as I would normally expect from mainstream rap *cough cough* #FUCKAMAINSTREAMRAPPER *cough cough*. There were some more calls about Westboro and the Patriot riders (the biker gang that blocks them from protesting) and a bunch of other stuff too. Then we heard some more Riff Raff #CheckMyLastHashTag. And in breaking hand job massage parlor news, CHINA HAS LEGALIZED HAPPY ENDING MASSAGE PARLORS!!! And I was getting a massage two days ago too, but it wasn’t in China and it wasn’t THAT kind of place, but if my girlfriend had bought me that for my birthday, I wouldn’t have said no, but I would have quadruple checked if it was OK first. Then double checked again. Some guy called in to ask about the Rolling Stone magazine cover with the Boston bombing suspect on the cover of it, and seeing as the case isn’t closed yet, the media needs to pretty much shut the fuck up about it. And the media profit machine could certainly do well to be a little more conscious of who they decide to turn in to a celebrity. But hey, I’m just a member of the public, what the fuck would I know, right? I can understand people wanting to know how shit like this happens, but it wasn’t even three months ago. Some people take longer than that to grieve when their cat dies, so maybe it’s good to give the issue some space until more of the facts have actually been figured out. It’s worth ranting about, but I’m still having a good day, so I don’t need to shit all over my sunshine by making character assassinations for an hour and a half. I’d much rather headbang to some Akka Dakka.

DRAGON NEWS MOTHER FUCKERS!!! AND IT AIN’T JUST GONNA BE ABOUT ME DRAGGIN’ MY DIRTY HAIRY ASSHOLE ALL OVER THAT EGG MCMUFFIN YOU HAD FOR BREAKFAST BIATCH!!! First up, some kid got one of the junior meals at Burger King and found the cooks weed pipe in the bag, Red Dragons to that guy who now no longer has a job because of weed! Keep trying sir, you’ll find a place that appreciates your talents. Rawdog had to tread lightly around the dragon, because the dragon knows bullshit and is a big fan of breathing fire on it. But this story raises a great question, should Burger King be allowed to pass the dutchie to the left hand side by way of kids’ meal? Tully seems to be the smart one in this scenario and thinks the best way around telling your kids what that high school dropout left in your food is by going back to the counter and “massaging” the situation into the shape of a free 6-piece and a milkshake. The dragon loves drinking Jewish cum too, I don’t really know what that has to do with anything, but he just couldn’t stop talking about it. He’s also very romantic when he eviscerates someone with his claws. He’s also got his whole cave decked out like a Snoop Dogg video with gold and diamonds and a Cadillac Escalade on some 28″ triple chrome spinners, just to lure black men and Jews in whenever he’s feeling a little peckish. So here’s another good question, as it relates to the guys lunch, how awesome would it be to have your corpse decapitated and deep fried? I mean, you wouldn’t be able to watch it happen (depending what your beliefs are) but god damn the crowd that watches it would be pretty fucking epic to be a part of. Way better than donating your body to science so some coked out hungover rich frat boy can hack it all up learning how to remove a pancreas. Or you could donate yourself to a pinata company, or get yourself taxidermied into a giant Pez dispenser. Maybe even have yourself mounted on the hood of someones car, like that pair of bull horns that Boss Hog had in Dukes of Hazzard. Making yourself a permanently preserved weekend at Bernie’s style mannequin for an endless supply of hilarious photos. There were some great ideas on Twitter, like tying Tully’s body to the bathroom key at a gas station. Or get your corpse pumped full of drugs so people can harvest the remains at a later date for a fuckin’ rager of a weekend. Or let one of your buddies use you for a wakeboard. Or have pieces of yourself made into medieval weapons. The guys talked some more about Riff Raff and how the fame machine in America works and how it sure does require a lot of bullshit, but if you do it right you can be considered awesome by lots of people. And not every famous person is a shithead. Can’t hate the hustle though, just look at ICP, they haven’t dropped the gimmick in almost 20 years and they still sell platinum records. They took some phone calls on the subject and the consensus is that Riff Raff may be a shitty rapper, but he ain’t the first and he ain’t the worst and he sure as fuck ain’t gonna be the last. Just stick to your bullshit as long as you can and don’t turn into a cunt. A very nice fan of the show brought all the guys lunch, all topped off with a salad for Rawdog. They gave the whole shpeil about how awesome their restaurant is and how the dogs and the kids and even picky eaters can all come down and enjoy some organic free range food. I don’t know how to spell the name of the place, or the address, but it’s somewhere in the greater LA area, so if you’re nearby go grab some lunch that ain’t jam packed full of government cunt cheese and pharmaceutical grade sugar. The guys got on the topic somehow of chopping your limbs off and replacing them with knives, and Tully came up with the idea of weaponizing toddlers in this fashion. Ellis is gonna start hunting TMZ reporters, but he’s not out for an interview or blood, he’s just gonna kick them in the balls really softly. But he’s gonna have to get started learning to convince them that they want him groping their nuts. Perfect segue into one of my new favorite songs, CUNT KICKER!!!

Jews are starting to go hard in the mother fucking paint these days. Specifically, they have now approved the first ever Kosher sexual lubricant. This coming just a week after they declared that medical marijuana is OK in their book. And they did their research too, they toured the whole facility where the stuff is made and had a tasting party for all the ingredients to be sure it was up to par. So shout out to a religious group that is way more progressive than pretty much all the rest of them. If you hadn’t heard yet, Ellis is taking T-shirt ideas from the fans for stuff that he can sell under the WolfKives brand. If he picks yours, you can get a bunch of cool shit like T-shirts and a WolfKnife ring and probably some other stuff too. He got a chance to check out some of the early entries recently and while I’m sure they’re better on a screen or a piece of paper, there’s a few early contenders that were mentioned on the radio. If you want to give it a shot, you can send your idea to tshirt@ellismania.com and see if you’re really making all the right career moves. Oh, and in case you didn’t see the one from last year, there will be a new MVP trophy at EllisMania9 courtesy of our friend Aaron Hunzinger, @AHdidit on twitter if you’re into that kinda thing. The guys talked about fucked up deep sea creatures and how the ocean is the most terrifying place in the world and the fish are definitely the most gansta ass mother fuckers on the planet. And if you’re in the area, go check out Cher’s new pad up in Beverly Hills. Maybe she can tell you how she made Sonny Bono into a shattered man whose only hope for success was to become a politician. Ever wondered how people get a star on the Hollywood Boulevard walk of fame? It’s pretty simple, show up on time when the star is unveiled, and pay $30,000 to the guy who has to cast it and set it in marble. The guys took some final calls that gave us a little insight into just how dirty Jason’s keyboard is. According to him, there’s at least a gram of human pubic hair and a quarter inch of food residue and all kinds of other shit all over it. Some shithead called in for the fourth time doing shitty voice impressions that weren’t very funny and show just how badly the guys need a real producer and call screener. The guys listened to more Riff Raff to see if he’s got any real talent at all, and it seems the only thing he’s good at is following a line of bullshit as far as it can possibly go. There was some more talk of many random things and all the shit that makes me lose more and more hope for humanity. Rawdog is going to Chicago over the weekend and isn’t sure about whether or not he should bring weed on the plane with him, and if you don’t remember the first Mr. X story from a year or two ago where he had to ditch his luggage at the airport only to come back and find that they were holding it because a couple numbers on the tag didn’t match their records and that they had no suspicion of him carrying any of it. The guys discussed the possibility of having a less important than the VIP number for the WolfKnives to call in on and keep some of the less interesting callers from wasting airtime. It’s not the worst idea, really, but could end up being a shitstorm of people passing the phone number around and making it a fucking wash. And there was even one caller who admitted that even though some folks have been listening to the show for a long time, it still doesn’t sink in how the whole final calls thing is supposed to work. SO IT’S NOT JUST ME GUYS, THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY JUST AS BAD AS THE GUYS THINK IT IS. But anyway, I gotta get home and smash out some leftover cupcakes and fall into a pile of dirty laundry and roll around in it like in Indecent Proposal.

When I was a young lad, I used to go to work with my dad every so often just to see what he did. One day, we went somewhere very different from the normal place we’d always gone to. We stopped on the porch of some guys house and my dad said to me “Son, no matter what you hear going on behind this door, you just need to wait here” and I asked him what he was about to do. He told me “Son, I’m gonna pay this man a nice visit, and let him know that sometimes it’s a really bad idea to stiff your drug dealer.” “But dad,” I said “This is uncle Charlie’s house” and he said “FUCK! Dude, what day is it? And why aren’t you at school? And who’s fucking shoes are these?!?! Shit, son, I think it might have been a bad idea that I stiffed my drug dealer, I have no idea how high I am or what I’m on right now” and I said “Dad, this is what happens when we agree on a price and you hand me a five dollar bill wrapped around a stack of losing lottery tickets. Have fun finding your way home”

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Like an unimaginable blast of slut magic, I appear! How you doin’ folks? You good? You have a good lunch? You wash your hands after you took a shit? You look back in to the bowl and wonder if you’re dying just cause of the color and consistency of it? Good, glad to hear it! So anyways, Jason started the show talking about the origins of the word cunt and how all the different words that make up the english language might have just sprang up from some stupid bullshit. Then the Ramones started playing over the guys talking and I couldn’t make any of it out, but I do know from experience, that Sheena is a punk rocker. As soon as the technical snafu finished, the guys got back to talking about cunts, sick cunts, slut cunts, and towns called cunt. And apparently, there was a town called cunt that was known for fishing and that’s where we get that modern myth from. And I can honestly say that that is definitely not true, cause I’m not a big fan of fish, but I LOOOOOOOOVVVES the pussay!!! Besides, dude junk can be just as gross, it’s all a matter of what point in human history you live in. Just don’t get too rapey with the foreplay and you can pretty much guarantee there will be a female orgasm. Jason has been grinding his teeth in his sleep lately, and it’s pissing him off. Somebody suggested that he go get one of those orthopedic mouth guards but he said fuck that cause he’s a fighter in training and already has that shit covered. Plus, it makes him have awesome victorious dreams. Rawdog started giving Jason shit about his shirt, but was quickly shut down by Tully who got pwned when Rawdog told him how awesome of a game Duck Cunt was way back in the day. Ellis has been eating breakfast at someplace that’s really gay, and this raised the question of how gays might be treated if they were born in the wild away from all of society’s bullshit rules. Somehow, this gave Jason a movie idea to have an island full of gay toddlers overthrowing all the straight kids. None of the guys know any of the intern’s real names, but they might as well be pond scum, so fuck them. Jetta is pretty cool though, and after his epic weekend reliving Jason’s experiences from 20 or so years ago, he seems to be loving every second of everything, so shout out to Jetta. Jason took this opportunity to relive some awesome skateboard memories and shout at the sky for how badly the action sports industry may or may not have fucked him over, but he’s still thankful for the whole experience. He also took a few minutes to give a brief history of how he got sponsored by Kawasaki and how Yamaha should stick to pianos. Tully made the comparison of Jason’s dirt bike and his love of guitar, and it probably made plenty of sense to all the people listening who don’t know anything about motocross. Long story short, if you want to play the blues, you need heroin and an old man to convince you to tell your girlfriend to fuck off so you can complain about her for the next fifteen years. Pendarvis came in to talk about cows fucking and that’s what made the Ramones start playing over the guys talking earlier in the hour. That’s right, Pendarvis talking about cows having sex causes electrical interference. You heard it here first, people. And although it has nothing to do with New Music Tuesday, Big B has a new album an it could be his ticket to freedom from that SON OF A BITCH Carey Hart. Just kidding folks, Carey Hart’s mom probably isn’t a bitch. And also completely unrelated, Rick Moranis put out an album of Jewish music last week too. And according to pretty much everyone, Rawdog is the worst Jew ever for not knowing about it. And even crazier, Moranis has been nominated for a Grammy, and not even all that long ago! Fuckin’ Cinderella story, from Ghostbusters and that shit condom Honey I shrunk series all the way up to making comedy music albums. But then we got a taste of his last album and I gotta say, I’m surprised it got nominated for anything other than a free trip to the trash can. But hey, at least he was great in Spaceballs. Jason’s lizard has been going hard in the mother fucking paint lately, climbing trees and shit, being a fucking OG, you know, lizard shit. And Tony Hawk is gonna be doing Demolition Radio, live from Jason’s studio at the lovely horrible death trap known as Swinghouse! And will possibly be making an appearance later on today. And in case no one’s ever tried to serve it to you, you probably shouldn’t leave the rabbit’s asshole in your stew. Ellis is working on trying to get cameras rigged up all through his house so that he can go live on ellismania.com without being tied to a laptop, but the city of Los Angeles apparently doesn’t like internet, as seen through the problems that Swinghouse has always had. Sounds like it could work if the right crew were to put their balls on it, so stay tuned and you might be rewarded. Tully hates everyone at the gym where he swims laps, cause it’s a lot of old fat people who just get in the water and float around for a few minutes then go home and talk all gym-ratty to their cock slobbering relatives. Sirius/XM is picking up subscribers left and right, and it’s gotten to the point that Tully thinks that even Russell Brand may get a channel. The only drawback to that that I can see would be Russell Fucking Brand being in any way involved with it, including his name. It’s probably never gonna happen though, cause Americans don’t like people with accents, and no one cares about what the Canadian subscribers think. And in case you were all keeping track, BURGER’S VAGINA STOPPED BLEEDING!!! But Burger is also possessed by the devil, so it still kind of evens out. The guys talked some more about how much Russell Brand sucks, and anytime someone says that guy should fuck back off into obscurity, I start throwing high fives like somebody just won a little league championship. There was more talk about how actors can either hit a wall or be set for life if they play their cards correctly, and some other shit. Some people called in to ask questions about working in radio, talk about Rick Moranis, Jewish music, Rawdog is a racist, motocross, Rawdog’s racist workout, Ricky Gervais, and a whole bunch of other shit. There was some more talk about how everyone in TV and movies is ripping off every other country, just like with cars, and how if it’s being done in one place someone’s gonna do their own version somewhere else. And CGI is starting to go a little too far, kind of like autotune did. And there’s also gonna be another remake of Stephen King’s “Carrie” so if you really want to tune out and and take a shit all over a classic this summer, go check that out.

Some video on the internet has been making a pretty big fuss lately, mostly for the fact that it’s from an employee at a Golden Corral restaurant and the guy working there pretty much just outed the management for doing a fucking atrociously bad job keeping things sanitary. So think about that next time you wanna treat a waiter like shit, there may be a chain of command to your problems. But more importantly, it’s NEW MUSIC ASS RAPE! I mean CUNT SATCHEL!!! whoops, fuck I mean TUESDAY!!! And first up we heard from a good friend of the show that Rawdog almost forgot named Big B and it definitely had a great vibe to it, so if you’re into that kind of thing go get it. Next was the new one from Jay-Z and it was not too far outside the box from what you might expect from him, but not completely unlistenable until right when the hook dropped. After that we got a taste of Joe Cocker just to remind everyone of a time when musicians made music, not commercial properties. We also got to hear some new country from Don Gibson and it made me want to resurrect Johnny Cash’s corpse to go kick his ass. After that was the new single from 2 Chainz and you’d never guess that there’s next to no fucking effort at all put in to any of his work. The next steaming pile of cannon fodder was from Joey Badass and even I hate him just for the name, but more importantly he wrote a rap about Hillary Swank and it really does make me hope the Vogons come to demolish earth to make room for an intergalactic hyperspace bypass (Fuck you, I was watching the original Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy last night, smart people would get the joke). After that we heard some of the new album from Anna Meredith and it was another one of those long intros that doesn’t cash the check it’s ass is writing. Next up we got to hear a new track from The Used (as if Brian Cullen hadn’t been playing it for a week already) but it was a pretty decent tune all the same. Then we heard a new track from Ciara featuring Nikki Minaj and as much as I hate to say it, the music industry is fucking rap music harder than any rapper ever could. Next we heard Skylar Gray and if you didn’t have a good enough reason to cut yourself with your frozen tears and then use them as lube while you masturbate after your warm blood melts them, then this album should put you right over the edge. Then there was some other band that I missed the name of and it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard but I wouldn’t go pay to see it live. After that we heard Ty Dolla just fucking slapping the shit out of Martin Luther King Jr’s carcass like he never did nothing for nobody. Next up was Freddie Gibbs doing pretty much the same shit as everyone else, cause nobody’s done that yet, right? The next one we heard was Rawdog’s pick of the week named Thundercat and if you’re down with sort of disco inspired funk rock that sounds like it should be in a porno right up until the singer drops some ridiculous indie music line in the chorus, than you’ll love these guys and I’ll eviscerate you with the gears of your fixie bike. And with that, you can all change the channel back now, after some Avenged Sevenfold it’ll be the same show we all know and love.

So, some cops responded to a call from neighbors of some lady who was yelling all the kinds of things you might expect to hear if her boyfriend is beating her up, but the reason for all the yelling was her boyfriend’s uncontrollable flatulence. So fellas, be nice to your ladies, no Dutch ovens, unless she’s into it or you know she can’t make it to the door. Will Pendarvis stepped in the studio to remind us all that he really is just as poor and weird as we all think he is, and that’s just a god damn shame cause his shins have been the guiding force behind so much of our entertainment. Also, he came in to be the creepy Alex Trebek in another wonderful round of Ellis Jeopardy! As always, the questions and Jason’s clues were pretty fucking entertaining and the answers the guys gave were just as classic. And instead of horrible punishment like they normally would get, the winner was awarded with a Jew stamp!!! And even more shocking was that the winner was Jetta and in second place was Tussin wolf, earning himself a shiny Jew stamp so that they’ll all know who among them can be trusted! Then there was a music break without any other setup then the guys came back with a bit of Pot News. And it is definitely a good day for the Jewish stoners, because a high level Rabbi has declared that medical marijuana is not just kosher, but it’s also a mitzvah! So if you’ve got a friend that doesn’t drive on Shabbas, take a walk over to their place with a bottle of Maneschevitz and a chunk of the chronic, you too can Bris the world! Jason is getting really into training to beat up Gabe Ruediger again, which is a perfect segue to let everyone know that tickets are gonna be available soon for EllisMania9 at the glorious Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas! And if I was getting paid for that ad space, I wouldn’t tell you to stock up on cigarettes and booze somewhere else beforehand! And it should be a doozy this time around, it may be getting close to crunch time but there’s enough time to get your name on the bill and Ellis even wants to see about cooking up a new fight for your violent viewing pleasure! Rawdog found a couple of rather odd videos on the internet, one of them featuring the late great Bruce Lee advertising a very modern bottle of Johnny Walker whiskey, and I’m sure Bruce is in the process of punching out of his coffin to go rape Johnny Walker’s cadaver as we speak. The next one was Mos Def protesting the GITMO prison by pretending to be one of the prisoners and reenacting the way that prisoners on hunger strikes are force fed by the guards. And after a couple minutes of listening to it, it starts sounding pretty fucking real. Just goes to show you, the government is a bunch of worthless mother fuckers. Old friend of the show The Cookie Lady stopped by to drop off some treats for the guys. The cookie ladies son has mentioned that he’d be down to fight Rawdog at the next EllisMania, and being as he is a huge 13 year old, he’s about size proportionate to administer a pretty severe ass whooping. Even if fighting a junior high schooler doesn’t happen, the guys floated a few pretty interesting ideas for new EXTREME cookies that the cookie lady could try to make. And some of them could possibly be featured in an upcoming game on the show! Then they all watched a video of some lady who accidentally ate a fucking ridiculously hot pepper instead of a cherry, and then kept eating it, and then completely lost her shit because of it. And the only thing you really need to say after seeing something like that is…………………………………….Am I right? And while there may very well have been at least another 20 minutes or so of the show left, I didn’t hear it because the SiriusXM online player is electronic rectal herpes. So shout out to the space people who fuck up my many numerous pay services, fuck it, I don’t need to be able to answer phone calls in my apartment or actually make use of a subscription music service anyway. I mean really, I must be some kind of major asshole to think I should actually be able to get something I’m paying for, right? Fuckin’ technology, it gives me the worst kind of erection you’ve ever seen. Anyways….

In my younger days, I had a friend who used to always say “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Like, way too much. Like it was kind of fucking ridiculous. One day, I asked him just what he meant when he was saying that and he told me “It’s a metaphor, it means that it’s better to appreciate what you have than to worry about what could be” and I asked him to elaborate so he told me “OK, no bullshit, it means that you’ll get just as much man on man contact by stroking your dick as you would if you tried to go double vag on a girl…….my dad watches a lot of porn…. Like way too much porn….I think it’s getting to be a problem for everyone in the house”

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

Afternoon, shit socks! First things first, lemme just get this out of the way and have you guys wish my mom a happy birthday, cause I’m a horrible son and I never use the phone and she’s a pretty fantastic lady. And if you hate my worthless life and feel she owes you some sort of apology for letting it happen, well then you can go fuck yourself with a broken pickaxe covered with AIDS and rusty brake shavings! YYYAAAAAYYYY!!!! Unfortunately though, it’s also Lindsay Lohan’s birthday, so we’re gonna have to hear about a whole bunch of stupid crap as well. Anyway, the show started off today with Ellis talking about pain killers and the horrible stereotype of women smelling like fish and how it’s all a load of crap. And also about how guys who are going bald should just commit to it cause there’s no trick haircut that can ever make you look right. Specifically, Tom Brady needs to just get over himself and embrace the dome. Ellis’ therapist gave his emotions a pretty decent workout last night, but it’s all in the name of progress. I’m sure there’s no one that can really say it’s a bad thing when someone wants to fix their problems, and since that’s exactly what drew a lot of people to the show back in the day, then good on ya mate! We salute your efforts. Ellis had a nice long spill session with the guys and relayed all the stuff he’s trying to work through right now. It sounds like he’s making good moves and has good people around to help him get in to tip top shape on all those parts above the neck. Tully and Rawdog were able to relate and give good feedback on all of what Ellis was talking about. It’s good to have friends. Come here and gimme a bro hug, dude. I SAID COME HERE AND HUG ME YOU FUCK UGLY MOOK!!! *ahem* Sorry, that’s just my, uhmm, vaginal mesh lawsuit, uhmm, acting up….Yeah…. But seriously, good people make other people better. There was some more talk about the new Death!Death!Die! album and all the fucking incredible musical treasures that will soon be available for public consumption. Rawdog put down a pretty good rap for the song “Jack the Cunt” but it was really Rude Jude that tied the whole thing together. Jason stayed out late at Dingo’s new house down in the ghetto practicing his tattooing last night. Tully gave us the rundown on why downtown LA is a fucking bad place to go. It’s full of really, really, REALLY angry, drug addicted, barter-town-esque homeless people and prostitutes. It would be the perfect place for Paris Hilton to be kidnapped and dropped and never heard from again, cause, y’know, she is kind of a spoiled self righteous obnoxious cunt. But hey, maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s totally normal to have your own face plastered all over your house anywhere that anybody might ever see it. Some guy called in to bogart Ellis’ therapy for a few minutes, his wife ran off and left him with two kids and he’s starting to crack under the pressure. Long story short, you can get over anything if you do the work and focus on a goal. There were some more calls, a lot of the usual faire, how does new music Tuesday work, hey did you hear bro…, you guys should…, y’know, normal stuff. Somehow the idea got floated for Ellis and the boys to do a ride along with the cops and maybe broadcast it live, to which my response is fuck yeah. And some NBA star got popped driving around with a shitload of illegal fireworks in his trunk, which is gangster as all fuck. Same dude also pulled a gun on one of his teammates, so shout out to keepin’ it real. This got to the topic of how people react when they get money and by and large it’s not good. I mean, look at that shithead Justin Bieber. Sounds like a good time for some classic riffs and a quick breather from all this exhausting talk radio.

Remember that smarmy little cock sweat receptacle Todd Burpo? Well, it turns out there’s some people on the opposite end of the pendulum who say they’ve been to HELL!!! and the party was way better, I’m sure. There were a few documented stories from some of these people, including one where some lady claimed to be god’s personal concubine, but one day god had to remind her that this dick ain’t gonna suck itself by giving her a first class visit to the fiery pit of damnation. Next we heard about a guy who got shot in the head and while he was in a coma but the coma was just a clever ruse, hiding THE DOORWAY TO THE GATES OF HADES!!! And it sounds like it was a pretty fucked up time, that probably had nothing to do with suffering a traumatic brain injury and then being pumped full of drugs for a month. There was another guy who was in the hospital on his deathbed and he started hearing voices calling to him but it turned out they were just baiting him into THE FIERY ABYSS THAT IS HOME TO THE ONE YOU CALL SATAN!!! And then they jumped him in to the crips and had angry buttsex with his limbless corpse. Next story was about a guy who had almost exactly the same experience, only this time all the demons torturing him were having a really bad case of whiskey dick. And another guy who was just hanging out in bed, and completely out of nowhere he was CAST INTO THE DOMINION OF THE FALLEN ANGEL LUCIFER!!! And when he woke up in a cell with two humongous beasts standing 2 and a half times his height, he somehow just knew their names and knew that they were going to buttfuck his soul, but very sweetly, like not rapey, just really aggressive, but compassionate, but very forceful, but definitely more interested in the other person’s satisfaction. This sparked some talk about religion and whether or not heaven or hell is real, and quite frankly until one of you assholes gets there and then figures out a way to actually come back from the dead (and not that two minute resuscitation shit, I mean like a few years later) no one is really gonna have it right and it’s all gonna be a bunch of people arguing for no real good reason. Hell, even when you get there there’s probably not gonna be a single person who got it right from a dumb guess or years of research or a talking piece of shrubbery that some dickhead set on fire. My apologies if I’m sounding anti religion, just try to focus on the here and now a little more and there’s so much you can enjoy. It’s a pretty great feeling. But then, I’ve seen people do really great things with themselves after finding a religion too, just don’t turn into Michelle Bachmann or Rush Limbaugh or Woody Allen. They all seem pretty devoted and pretty fucked up. That last part was all my opinion, nothing to do with the show, just dropping my own point of view, as I’m known to do from time to time here. But I digress, MIDGET HOOKERS AND TRUCK STOP SPEED!!! Okay, we’re back. The guys gave their own analogies and opinions on the whole topic of people claiming to go to heaven or hell or wherever they think they ended up. And then Tully showed the guys a YouTube clip of a Priest obviously masturbating under his robes during a church service, and I for one am not the slightest bit surprised that this exists. The guys analyzed the video for a couple minutes and gave a pretty good description of the whole scenario, dude has a big flowing robe on and he’s sitting down behind the pulpit, off to the side of the altar, and the robe is draped over his knees in a way that you might be able to get away with moving your wallet to a different pocket, but probably not much else. And this dude is really obviously giving his crank a yank, and the altar boys have already spotted it and started laughing and it’s all on video, immortalized on the internet for everyone to see and mock. A few people called in to give their two cents on the whole religion issue, and it was not the worst bunch of phone calls to ever come through the airwaves, most of the people at least had something sort of smart to say. Then Rawdog started talking about how important space exploration is because we can all agree that humans are destroying the planet, but if we don’t find a new one soon we’ll be done for in about twenty generations. And it’s mostly gonna be Tony Hawk’s fault because he uses air travel too much and wants to encourage more kids to be world traveling pro skateboarders. And on a more somber note, Pierce Brosnan’s daughter died of ovarian cancer, and it just goes to show you that even James Bond lives just like the rest of us. Let’s go have a five minute cry and get ready for the guest that’s gonna be coming in next.

So, some guy went to a liquor store to admit that he stole a carton of cigarettes, claiming that he took invisibility drugs to make it happen. The weird thing is, when he tried to pay for what he stole there wasn’t enough money on his debit card and when they checked the security tapes….THERE WAS NO ONE THERE!!! So maybe ghosts are real, or criminals know something we don’t. A lady came by the show to play dog psychic for Burger Ellis and see why she’s menstruating like a stuck pig and why she’s so dogtarded. Most people would agree that dogs kind of need to be trained and have lots of companionship and sometimes they have medical problems just like any other living creature might, not to mention she’s a puppy and they’re just full of piss and vinegar. This lady on the other hand, is a certifiable quack and is putting way too much stock in her imagination. But she seems to spend a lot of time with dogs so she may know a thing or two, but the rest is a pretty serious disconnect with reality. Ellis seemed to catch on after a little while and humored her for a bit and Burger probably didn’t mind getting played with and petted by a new friend for a while (cause, y’know, she’s a dog and they tend to be into that kind of thing). So, I guess Burger is gonna grow up and be a mellow dog that doesn’t wreck shit, as long as someone can be around to pay attention and take care of her and discipline her. That’s why my old dog was such a shithead, I was a 14 year old with no interest in being responsible for anything, not to mention he was a breed of dog that’s known for being really difficult to train. But hey, let’s talk about this lady who’s talking to the dog like it’s people or something. I didn’t see her on EllisMania.com yet but her voice sounds like my penis could slide in there pretty easily, the only problem I’d have with it is hanging out with her long enough to talk her in to it. Crazy bitches are probably my least favorite thing in the world. It’s that part where you have to hear them talk. Seriously, I don’t mind hearing what women have to say, it’s just that some of them don’t have anything to say that’s worth listening to. And a dog whisperer is probably one of those people. And then the dog whisperer started talking about all her many exploits helping not just dogs, but cats and snakes and spiders and all kinds of other shit as well. And I guess she’s got a TV show coming soon too, so I know what I won’t be DVR’ing. Just to be clear, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I just happen to have hung out with a psychic when she was off the clock and she was drunk enough to admit to me that the whole psychic thing is a lukewarm jug of goat piss. I will say though, it’s great that she does all the dog rescue stuff but the psychic thing should be kept behind closed doors where it can fester and die and stop being so annoying. But we did get another wonderful retelling of the wolf knife laser torch story that brought out a little bit of humanity in this batshit animal whisperer. This whole visit went on way too long but I had a chance to finish up a few rounds of sudoku on my phone. There were some great background jokes though, Ellis being a sick twisted fuck and trying to talk to the dog whisperer like an adult, things like that. If you didn’t take the whole thing seriously, it was actually kind of funny.

Some lady who used to work at a chicken joint recalled the straw that broke the camel’s back when one night, the manager called her into the kitchen to sample a new dish and stuffed her mouth full of magic mushrooms! She didn’t quite know what it was at first, but after she started tripping over her own feet and floating through the room and seeing pretty colors all over the place and shit and now she’s trying to sue the asshole who dosed her. The same chicken joint has been in the news after the owner got into a twitter fight with some guy over whether or not the chicken was free range and the owner snapped and started making really violent threats at him. Sounds to me like they’ve mad their chicken a real party. If you remember back when MTV still had music videos, there was a VJ named Kennedy and she has just written a memoir alleging that Michal Jordan was trying really hard to get a piece of that ass no matter how many times she shot him down. She claims that she was a virgin and that MJ’s dick would have carved her up like a Christmas ham. And if you’re following the whole Paula Deen thing, you’ll be really happy to know that she got a six figure offer to do porn! Whole new meaning to “Buttery Ass Mondays”, am I right? And if you don’t believe that modern music is a steaming load of shit like I do, you’ll probably think twice when you find out that Avril Lavine and Chad Kroeger got married yesterday! And since Kim and Kanye’s baby is the harbinger of the apocalypse here in America, Avril and Chad will surely be the creators of the Canadian version, which I’m sure will be a much more polite rapture and eternal suffering. There were some final calls that remind us all of the future of society and why birth control should be mandatory for about 85% of people, especially Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavine. Alicia Silverstone has a new website and unfortunately it’s not hardcore porn, but it is a place where vegan moms can share breast milk with all the other vegans who cant produce enough on their own because they don’t take in enough protein. So, sort of pornish, but not quite? She also did a baby bird video feeding her kid and that’s not porny at all, which sucks cause we all would have wanted to see her get slammed against a wall with something the size of a Foster’s can massacring her vagina. Lou Reed is NOT doing another album with Metallica, but he did get a liver transplant recently and he’s just getting well enough to go back out on tour. More phone calls, and stuff, and banter, and a bunch of shit, y’know, winding down the day. I don’t work that hard the last few minutes of my day, so I don’t fault Ellis for any of the last few minutes. That’s all on the audience. Will Pendarvis came in to relay a story Tom Green told about ghosts, but it didn’t go anywhere. There was more talk about ghosts and how most people who see them probably have other shit they need to work out that has nothing to do with dead people rearranging their furniture. Then some dude called in with a shitty Christopher Walken impression and the whole thing went to shit. But not for lack of trying, and the rest of it was pretty enjoyable.

When I was growing up, there was a kid in my neighborhood who used to hang out real late at night, get picked up and dropped off by different people all the time and always seemed to need money for something but wouldn’t tell anybody what. One day, I asked him if he wanted to come in for some food and he told me “Only thing hungry is these arms, homey” and I said to him “well come on over, we might have something for that.” As soon as he stepped in my front door, he started asking how much I’d pay him for a blow job and I smacked the shit out of him and said “YOU WORK FOR ME NOW, BIATCH!!! NOW GET BACK ON THAT CORNER AND BRING ME ANYTHING YOU EARN TONIGHT” and just like that, it was my first day on the job as part of the family business.

Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,

MAY THINE CART WHEELS BE SQUARE AND THY SISTERS HEAD MADE OF CABBAGE!!! Whoops, fuck, sorry about that, had a telemarketer on the line just as I started typing. How’s it going guys? It’s time for another extra special recap of The Jason Ellis Show. You just sit back and wait till your creepy old uncle has his “medicine” (AKA cocaine, whippets, chili fries and vodka) and you’ll be taken on a very wonderful journey that you shouldn’t tell your parents about! The show started with Jason giving Dom shit for nothing in the studio being updated after yesterday’s show. He sounded pretty fucking pissed off too. And then there was a bunch of other stuff that was disorganized and not getting done. And much like he commonly does, he went to the extreme with letting Dom know how he feels. It kinda felt like listening to your parents yell at each other, and so I just kinda tuned out for the most part. It sucks to listen to. I’m not one to join all the people complaining but this is the shit I just ignore till something else happens. Pendarvis and Rude Jude kind of came in to make some more reasonable statements about the whole situation, but it was still kind of a wash. But Ellis did say he would try the donut challenge again, so maybe better things are in store for the listeners a little way down the line. A couple callers weighed in on both sides of it, it was like a shitty therapy session. I’ve had plenty of those, I don’t need to rehash it while I’m trying to eat lunch and have a laugh. They changed the subject and talked movies for a while. Jason saw “This is The End” which I also saw over the weekend, and it was fucking hilarious, so go check it out. Ellis was really happy that AJ from the Backstreet Boys was in the movie when they did a big musical number at the end. This led to talk of Ellis learning the dance from “Backstreet’s Back” and how Tully didn’t know anything about them until they had come “Back”. Tully got all intellectual talking about music and comebacks and how the Backstreet Boys may still have plenty of loyal fans but they’ll probably never be number one again just because the kids keep finding newer and shittier things that they follow for a few months then throw away like a used condom. Rawdog is still doing the Onnit primal challenge, and Ellis has been training for his next bout at EllisMania, they’re both pushing along even though they’re stretching pretty far out in the limits of what they can do. Shannon Gunz has been talking a whole bunch of shit on Rawdog in preparation for EllisMania as well. And Josh hasn’t been doing anything in particular that’s all too different from his normal routine that might help him win, but it should still be a good show nonetheless. Some dude called in because his brother was a cop and he pulled over some girl for a broken tail light and he was just gonna give her a warning, until she offered him a taste of honey pot then he went back to his car and wrote her a ticket for being a shithead. And you’d probably be surprised how often women and men offer themselves or their friends to the police to get out of taking responsibility for running stop signs and shit. A lot of them are kind of haggard and shit though, so it’s kind of a gamble if you decide to take them up on it. Plus, cop cars are have cameras on the front and back and inside so getting away with it even if you rope one that might be worth a few minutes of your penis’s time. If you’re really lucky though, you’re get partnered up with a full on Taco Bumper straight out of the academy and she’ll take you out trolling when you’re on the beat. Careful though, you might just get a bunch of guys looking to get a taste of your chili ring. Jason did an interview for some documentary on the UFC last night and it might be worth watching if that’s your thing. While he was there he got valet treatment on his Porsche and the two guys couldn’t figure out what the hell to do with it cause it’s not like parking a car is all that difficult, but then some third valet came over and he was a total dude bro guy bro dude guy bro dude guy bro duder brah and it turns out he was a huge fan of the show, so Jason got the VIP treatment and some shithead had the best dude bro day ever bro. And a quick update to joining the police force for sex, get a phone number and do that shit after hours, otherwise you might end up getting pistol whipped in front of a big crowd of people. Or even worse, accidentally have that shit broadcast on the police band radio and EVERYBODY’S gonna hear the ridiculous noises you make when you’re getting your crankshaft lubed.

Last month, some lady in Washington, who decided to go on an all air diet six months ago and live stream it on the internet, but today she pulled out LIKE A BIATCH!!! Apparently her body’s need for food and water trumped her natural hippie desire to be ridiculed for making stupid fucking assumptions about how things are supposed to work when we all have free spirited children inbreeding with each other in some nature compound in the god damn forest where everything that is taken is returned to the earth, except for the drugs cause you can’t grow opium poppies and coca trees in America and every night there’s a drum circle where everyone airs out their fucking dreadlocked pubes in front of a campfire and sings Krishna chants that are translated incorrectly into what is probably a reenactment of an Adolf Hitler speech. I lived with hippies, I know what I’m talking about here people. There was a game cooked up for the interns to see if they’re any good at following directions (not a stab at anyone else in the building, I’m sure). The guys were asked questions and had to basically answer everything and read it out loud on the air. Right out of the gate, Anal Gay Lewis believes that he is “The leader in following orders”, which would be funny if it weren’t so hard to process why someone would say that. But he was quickly put in last place finishing the written part of the test by the other two interns blasting right through it. Then, Anal Gay fucked the whole thing in the ass by doing the entire test when the only thing he had to do was write his name. So, kudos to all the fucktards who continue showing us our tax dollars hard at work in the public school system. The guy from Chik-Fil-A is still a homophobic shithead and doesn’t deserve your money, plus the food is probably the same kind of over processed crap that caused a 24 year old Joshua Richmond to get kidney stones twice, so it’s a bad idea to eat there no matter what. Plus he’s a rich white man, and they’ve had their turn, so it’s time to take the reins and mercilessly whip him with them while passing the torch to the new generation. And Tully with his Oxford education came out and posterized the religious right’s argument against gay marriage, and then did an end-zone dance all over a god hates fags picket sign. Next up in the fight for civil rights, Hot dog filled tacos!!! Which I think I’ll make this weekend just to prove a point and piss a few people off. Rawdog read off some more of the many statements that people make about how gay marriage is gonna destroy all of society, and bridges are gonna drive up the divorce rate and pedophiles are gonna be filing income taxes (instead of being tax free employees of the church (WHOOPS WAS THAT OUT LOUD?!?!??!)) and how Kat Von D is now single by way of dumping Deadmaus on twitter, cause that’s pretty much the be all end all of modern civilization. Deadmaus couldn’t give a fuck that Kat Von D is gone, and I’d probably feel the same way if it was my situation and she was airing my dirty laundry. Hell, I’d probably start a few hundred different twitter accounts just for the sake of blocking and reporting her for spam, just to be a cunt. There were some more phone calls about gay rights and gay people and all things gay and how it’s all a load of shit if you’re really that bent out of shape about it. The only time someone else’s sexual orientation affects me, IS IF I’M TRYING TO FUCK THEM. Other than that, it’s a pretty pointless argument. Not to go too far riding the gay rights train, it would just be nice if more people could shut the fuck up about things that aren’t really problems. Rant over, time for Avenged Sevenfold’s gayest song. Shit! I was really liking those guys too…

So, Scottie Pippen got in a fight a few days ago and today the guy who got his ass kicked piped up to give his two cents on the situation,. He saw Scottie at a restaurant and (allegedly) asked for a picture in the restaurant, got it, then asked him again on the way out and in the parking lot, Scottie said “no mother fucker” and bashed him in the head with a shoe. Cause that’s totally how Pippen would roll. Of course, like most celebrity coat tail riders he was probably just butt hurt that his sports stars don’t bend over backwards to do shit for him like they don’t have their own fucking lives or anything. And that Aaron Hernandez guy is probably gonna be on his way to jail for a long time cause he’s currently under investigation for murdering a bunch of people. And he’s doing a great job leaving evidence while trying to get rid of anything that could be used as evidence. The interns got called back in for another test of how well they can follow directions and it wouldn’t have surprised me if Anal Gay fucked up again, this time the test was origami. They tried to have Dom test it out before the show and he got as far as making one of those paper fortune tellers that little kids used to make fun of their friends. While the interns were making origami cranes, the guys had a new game to play where they had to guess what celebrity makes what sex noises! Reaching pretty far for the premise, but it sounds like it could be interesting. Right out of the gate was Rawdog with the worst Brad Pitt ever complete with him telling Angelina Jolie to kill all the zombies. Next, Tully gave us an instantaneously recognizable James Hetfield. Jason’s first turn was impossible to place because it was just kind of every sound you could use to make fun of somebody, but Rawdog’s first guess was spot on for Jim Carrey! Round and round it went with awesome impressions of people like Johnny Depp, Charlie Sheen, Woody Allen (Which was actually supposed to be Woody Harrelson, but Ellis fucked it up cause he can’t read), Adam Sandler, Jack Nicholson, Michael Jackson, one that I really hoped was Dikembe Mutumbo but actually turned out to be Sylvester Stallone, Paul Hogan and Jackie Chan, with Ellis ultimately being crowned the winner. The loser had to spin the wheel of doom, and since it was Rawdog, he took a spin and landed on the MMA gauntlet, but got a do over and landed on vibrating panties. At this point it was about 25 minutes since the interns were told to make origami cranes and not a god damn one of them was able to accomplish what a second grader can in a tenth of the time, not to point no elbows or nothing, just  worth pointing out. Tully found a story that Oprah was the most powerful celebrity in the world, then got ousted for a quick minute by Jennifer Lopez, then knocked that ass off the perch and reclaimed the throne. Tussin Wolf came back in the studio with his buzzing undies on, and with shame in his heart for the pleasure which dare not speak it’s name, he sat quietly for a few minutes while Ellis and Tully talked about Forbes magazine for a little while. Jetta came in with the first of three origami cranes, and actually was the first by a long shot. Anal gay also finished, but proved himself the last place contender because he forgot that he was supposed to come back in when he was finished. Anal started getting a little pissy and it turned in to another argument with Jason. It didn’t get as bad as earlier, but it’s still another load of bullshit. I mean, it was just supposed to be some whoreigami. Granted, the Japanese take shit really seriously, but even this is going kind of far. There was more talk about all the most powerful celebrities, and maybe two of them have a shred of respect from me, so I didn’t bother keeping track of who got ranked where. But since most of what is sold to the public as news is a steaming bowl of elephant piss anyway, you can probably just ignore this list. Next test for the interns was making a smoothie and Jetta came in first again with a neatly layered smoothie with all of the ingredients floating on top of one another and coating the glass like a fine mixologists creation. Anal Guy started another argument for not making the smoothie, and sure it’s more bullshit, but he kind of had a point. Once again, tensions high in the studio today. Everyone’s a bear and they all keep poking each other. Right about now is final calls time, and like I’ve said before, the public lets me down constantly. Apparently Rawdog is over protective of his girlfriend and totally advertises that he’s dating her by sticking his tongue down her throat as a show of dominance and assertion that he’s committing insertion on that. And all the people who run all the biggest companies are probably assholes hell bent on making the world a worse place for any person who’s not exactly like them. James Woods’ 20 year old girlfriend got arrested for felony drug charges a few days ago, so if that makes you love that guy a little bit more than I salute you. James Woods also live tweeted a game of poker that he was playing, cause he really is just that fucking awesome. And there’s some crazy slug that some guy found at a lake in Australia. You could probably Google it. One guy called in to redeem the fans by letting Ellis and the crew know that they are totally audible through the phone, and that people are idiots by and large. Tully floated the idea of getting a supergroup together for the next EllisMania concert, and some good names got floated, such as Ozzy, Drew Barrymore, and even Werewolves! Some lady called in to ask what the guys thought about her getting acupuncture to help her get pregnant, and the guy kind of knows she wants a baby but he doesn’t know she’s really trying to get knocked up. The good advice gods smiled on this situation, and this lady got the message that her and her man need to talk the shit out and be a hundred percent clear about it before they bring a life into the world, and she’s got a pretty twisted view of how it’s supposed to work. Long story short, some ladies really do need a locking device for their vaginas. I mean, really. Fucking seriously, it’s just good for the whole planet in absolutely every way.

I normally end these with a satirical life lesson, but today I’m gonna do something different. Leave your best ending on the comment section here or on twitter, addressed to me @shit_toboggan (don’t forget to follow me so I can DM you) and the one that sounds best to me will get some Red Dragons/EllisMate stickers in the mail.

Stay Frosty, mother fuckers ,,rr,