Afternoon, shit socks! First things first, lemme just get this out of the way and have you guys wish my mom a happy birthday, cause I’m a horrible son and I never use the phone and she’s a pretty fantastic lady. And if you hate my worthless life and feel she owes you some sort of apology for letting it happen, well then you can go fuck yourself with a broken pickaxe covered with AIDS and rusty brake shavings! YYYAAAAAYYYY!!!! Unfortunately though, it’s also Lindsay Lohan’s birthday, so we’re gonna have to hear about a whole bunch of stupid crap as well. Anyway, the show started off today with Ellis talking about pain killers and the horrible stereotype of women smelling like fish and how it’s all a load of crap. And also about how guys who are going bald should just commit to it cause there’s no trick haircut that can ever make you look right. Specifically, Tom Brady needs to just get over himself and embrace the dome. Ellis’ therapist gave his emotions a pretty decent workout last night, but it’s all in the name of progress. I’m sure there’s no one that can really say it’s a bad thing when someone wants to fix their problems, and since that’s exactly what drew a lot of people to the show back in the day, then good on ya mate! We salute your efforts. Ellis had a nice long spill session with the guys and relayed all the stuff he’s trying to work through right now. It sounds like he’s making good moves and has good people around to help him get in to tip top shape on all those parts above the neck. Tully and Rawdog were able to relate and give good feedback on all of what Ellis was talking about. It’s good to have friends. Come here and gimme a bro hug, dude. I SAID COME HERE AND HUG ME YOU FUCK UGLY MOOK!!! *ahem* Sorry, that’s just my, uhmm, vaginal mesh lawsuit, uhmm, acting up….Yeah…. But seriously, good people make other people better. There was some more talk about the new Death!Death!Die! album and all the fucking incredible musical treasures that will soon be available for public consumption. Rawdog put down a pretty good rap for the song “Jack the Cunt” but it was really Rude Jude that tied the whole thing together. Jason stayed out late at Dingo’s new house down in the ghetto practicing his tattooing last night. Tully gave us the rundown on why downtown LA is a fucking bad place to go. It’s full of really, really, REALLY angry, drug addicted, barter-town-esque homeless people and prostitutes. It would be the perfect place for Paris Hilton to be kidnapped and dropped and never heard from again, cause, y’know, she is kind of a spoiled self righteous obnoxious cunt. But hey, maybe I’m wrong, maybe it’s totally normal to have your own face plastered all over your house anywhere that anybody might ever see it. Some guy called in to bogart Ellis’ therapy for a few minutes, his wife ran off and left him with two kids and he’s starting to crack under the pressure. Long story short, you can get over anything if you do the work and focus on a goal. There were some more calls, a lot of the usual faire, how does new music Tuesday work, hey did you hear bro…, you guys should…, y’know, normal stuff. Somehow the idea got floated for Ellis and the boys to do a ride along with the cops and maybe broadcast it live, to which my response is fuck yeah. And some NBA star got popped driving around with a shitload of illegal fireworks in his trunk, which is gangster as all fuck. Same dude also pulled a gun on one of his teammates, so shout out to keepin’ it real. This got to the topic of how people react when they get money and by and large it’s not good. I mean, look at that shithead Justin Bieber. Sounds like a good time for some classic riffs and a quick breather from all this exhausting talk radio.
Remember that smarmy little cock sweat receptacle Todd Burpo? Well, it turns out there’s some people on the opposite end of the pendulum who say they’ve been to HELL!!! and the party was way better, I’m sure. There were a few documented stories from some of these people, including one where some lady claimed to be god’s personal concubine, but one day god had to remind her that this dick ain’t gonna suck itself by giving her a first class visit to the fiery pit of damnation. Next we heard about a guy who got shot in the head and while he was in a coma but the coma was just a clever ruse, hiding THE DOORWAY TO THE GATES OF HADES!!! And it sounds like it was a pretty fucked up time, that probably had nothing to do with suffering a traumatic brain injury and then being pumped full of drugs for a month. There was another guy who was in the hospital on his deathbed and he started hearing voices calling to him but it turned out they were just baiting him into THE FIERY ABYSS THAT IS HOME TO THE ONE YOU CALL SATAN!!! And then they jumped him in to the crips and had angry buttsex with his limbless corpse. Next story was about a guy who had almost exactly the same experience, only this time all the demons torturing him were having a really bad case of whiskey dick. And another guy who was just hanging out in bed, and completely out of nowhere he was CAST INTO THE DOMINION OF THE FALLEN ANGEL LUCIFER!!! And when he woke up in a cell with two humongous beasts standing 2 and a half times his height, he somehow just knew their names and knew that they were going to buttfuck his soul, but very sweetly, like not rapey, just really aggressive, but compassionate, but very forceful, but definitely more interested in the other person’s satisfaction. This sparked some talk about religion and whether or not heaven or hell is real, and quite frankly until one of you assholes gets there and then figures out a way to actually come back from the dead (and not that two minute resuscitation shit, I mean like a few years later) no one is really gonna have it right and it’s all gonna be a bunch of people arguing for no real good reason. Hell, even when you get there there’s probably not gonna be a single person who got it right from a dumb guess or years of research or a talking piece of shrubbery that some dickhead set on fire. My apologies if I’m sounding anti religion, just try to focus on the here and now a little more and there’s so much you can enjoy. It’s a pretty great feeling. But then, I’ve seen people do really great things with themselves after finding a religion too, just don’t turn into Michelle Bachmann or Rush Limbaugh or Woody Allen. They all seem pretty devoted and pretty fucked up. That last part was all my opinion, nothing to do with the show, just dropping my own point of view, as I’m known to do from time to time here. But I digress, MIDGET HOOKERS AND TRUCK STOP SPEED!!! Okay, we’re back. The guys gave their own analogies and opinions on the whole topic of people claiming to go to heaven or hell or wherever they think they ended up. And then Tully showed the guys a YouTube clip of a Priest obviously masturbating under his robes during a church service, and I for one am not the slightest bit surprised that this exists. The guys analyzed the video for a couple minutes and gave a pretty good description of the whole scenario, dude has a big flowing robe on and he’s sitting down behind the pulpit, off to the side of the altar, and the robe is draped over his knees in a way that you might be able to get away with moving your wallet to a different pocket, but probably not much else. And this dude is really obviously giving his crank a yank, and the altar boys have already spotted it and started laughing and it’s all on video, immortalized on the internet for everyone to see and mock. A few people called in to give their two cents on the whole religion issue, and it was not the worst bunch of phone calls to ever come through the airwaves, most of the people at least had something sort of smart to say. Then Rawdog started talking about how important space exploration is because we can all agree that humans are destroying the planet, but if we don’t find a new one soon we’ll be done for in about twenty generations. And it’s mostly gonna be Tony Hawk’s fault because he uses air travel too much and wants to encourage more kids to be world traveling pro skateboarders. And on a more somber note, Pierce Brosnan’s daughter died of ovarian cancer, and it just goes to show you that even James Bond lives just like the rest of us. Let’s go have a five minute cry and get ready for the guest that’s gonna be coming in next.
So, some guy went to a liquor store to admit that he stole a carton of cigarettes, claiming that he took invisibility drugs to make it happen. The weird thing is, when he tried to pay for what he stole there wasn’t enough money on his debit card and when they checked the security tapes….THERE WAS NO ONE THERE!!! So maybe ghosts are real, or criminals know something we don’t. A lady came by the show to play dog psychic for Burger Ellis and see why she’s menstruating like a stuck pig and why she’s so dogtarded. Most people would agree that dogs kind of need to be trained and have lots of companionship and sometimes they have medical problems just like any other living creature might, not to mention she’s a puppy and they’re just full of piss and vinegar. This lady on the other hand, is a certifiable quack and is putting way too much stock in her imagination. But she seems to spend a lot of time with dogs so she may know a thing or two, but the rest is a pretty serious disconnect with reality. Ellis seemed to catch on after a little while and humored her for a bit and Burger probably didn’t mind getting played with and petted by a new friend for a while (cause, y’know, she’s a dog and they tend to be into that kind of thing). So, I guess Burger is gonna grow up and be a mellow dog that doesn’t wreck shit, as long as someone can be around to pay attention and take care of her and discipline her. That’s why my old dog was such a shithead, I was a 14 year old with no interest in being responsible for anything, not to mention he was a breed of dog that’s known for being really difficult to train. But hey, let’s talk about this lady who’s talking to the dog like it’s people or something. I didn’t see her on EllisMania.com yet but her voice sounds like my penis could slide in there pretty easily, the only problem I’d have with it is hanging out with her long enough to talk her in to it. Crazy bitches are probably my least favorite thing in the world. It’s that part where you have to hear them talk. Seriously, I don’t mind hearing what women have to say, it’s just that some of them don’t have anything to say that’s worth listening to. And a dog whisperer is probably one of those people. And then the dog whisperer started talking about all her many exploits helping not just dogs, but cats and snakes and spiders and all kinds of other shit as well. And I guess she’s got a TV show coming soon too, so I know what I won’t be DVR’ing. Just to be clear, I’m not trying to be an asshole, I just happen to have hung out with a psychic when she was off the clock and she was drunk enough to admit to me that the whole psychic thing is a lukewarm jug of goat piss. I will say though, it’s great that she does all the dog rescue stuff but the psychic thing should be kept behind closed doors where it can fester and die and stop being so annoying. But we did get another wonderful retelling of the wolf knife laser torch story that brought out a little bit of humanity in this batshit animal whisperer. This whole visit went on way too long but I had a chance to finish up a few rounds of sudoku on my phone. There were some great background jokes though, Ellis being a sick twisted fuck and trying to talk to the dog whisperer like an adult, things like that. If you didn’t take the whole thing seriously, it was actually kind of funny.
Some lady who used to work at a chicken joint recalled the straw that broke the camel’s back when one night, the manager called her into the kitchen to sample a new dish and stuffed her mouth full of magic mushrooms! She didn’t quite know what it was at first, but after she started tripping over her own feet and floating through the room and seeing pretty colors all over the place and shit and now she’s trying to sue the asshole who dosed her. The same chicken joint has been in the news after the owner got into a twitter fight with some guy over whether or not the chicken was free range and the owner snapped and started making really violent threats at him. Sounds to me like they’ve mad their chicken a real party. If you remember back when MTV still had music videos, there was a VJ named Kennedy and she has just written a memoir alleging that Michal Jordan was trying really hard to get a piece of that ass no matter how many times she shot him down. She claims that she was a virgin and that MJ’s dick would have carved her up like a Christmas ham. And if you’re following the whole Paula Deen thing, you’ll be really happy to know that she got a six figure offer to do porn! Whole new meaning to “Buttery Ass Mondays”, am I right? And if you don’t believe that modern music is a steaming load of shit like I do, you’ll probably think twice when you find out that Avril Lavine and Chad Kroeger got married yesterday! And since Kim and Kanye’s baby is the harbinger of the apocalypse here in America, Avril and Chad will surely be the creators of the Canadian version, which I’m sure will be a much more polite rapture and eternal suffering. There were some final calls that remind us all of the future of society and why birth control should be mandatory for about 85% of people, especially Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavine. Alicia Silverstone has a new website and unfortunately it’s not hardcore porn, but it is a place where vegan moms can share breast milk with all the other vegans who cant produce enough on their own because they don’t take in enough protein. So, sort of pornish, but not quite? She also did a baby bird video feeding her kid and that’s not porny at all, which sucks cause we all would have wanted to see her get slammed against a wall with something the size of a Foster’s can massacring her vagina. Lou Reed is NOT doing another album with Metallica, but he did get a liver transplant recently and he’s just getting well enough to go back out on tour. More phone calls, and stuff, and banter, and a bunch of shit, y’know, winding down the day. I don’t work that hard the last few minutes of my day, so I don’t fault Ellis for any of the last few minutes. That’s all on the audience. Will Pendarvis came in to relay a story Tom Green told about ghosts, but it didn’t go anywhere. There was more talk about ghosts and how most people who see them probably have other shit they need to work out that has nothing to do with dead people rearranging their furniture. Then some dude called in with a shitty Christopher Walken impression and the whole thing went to shit. But not for lack of trying, and the rest of it was pretty enjoyable.
When I was growing up, there was a kid in my neighborhood who used to hang out real late at night, get picked up and dropped off by different people all the time and always seemed to need money for something but wouldn’t tell anybody what. One day, I asked him if he wanted to come in for some food and he told me “Only thing hungry is these arms, homey” and I said to him “well come on over, we might have something for that.” As soon as he stepped in my front door, he started asking how much I’d pay him for a blow job and I smacked the shit out of him and said “YOU WORK FOR ME NOW, BIATCH!!! NOW GET BACK ON THAT CORNER AND BRING ME ANYTHING YOU EARN TONIGHT” and just like that, it was my first day on the job as part of the family business.
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,