MAY THINE CART WHEELS BE SQUARE AND THY SISTERS HEAD MADE OF CABBAGE!!! Whoops, fuck, sorry about that, had a telemarketer on the line just as I started typing. How’s it going guys? It’s time for another extra special recap of The Jason Ellis Show. You just sit back and wait till your creepy old uncle has his “medicine” (AKA cocaine, whippets, chili fries and vodka) and you’ll be taken on a very wonderful journey that you shouldn’t tell your parents about! The show started with Jason giving Dom shit for nothing in the studio being updated after yesterday’s show. He sounded pretty fucking pissed off too. And then there was a bunch of other stuff that was disorganized and not getting done. And much like he commonly does, he went to the extreme with letting Dom know how he feels. It kinda felt like listening to your parents yell at each other, and so I just kinda tuned out for the most part. It sucks to listen to. I’m not one to join all the people complaining but this is the shit I just ignore till something else happens. Pendarvis and Rude Jude kind of came in to make some more reasonable statements about the whole situation, but it was still kind of a wash. But Ellis did say he would try the donut challenge again, so maybe better things are in store for the listeners a little way down the line. A couple callers weighed in on both sides of it, it was like a shitty therapy session. I’ve had plenty of those, I don’t need to rehash it while I’m trying to eat lunch and have a laugh. They changed the subject and talked movies for a while. Jason saw “This is The End” which I also saw over the weekend, and it was fucking hilarious, so go check it out. Ellis was really happy that AJ from the Backstreet Boys was in the movie when they did a big musical number at the end. This led to talk of Ellis learning the dance from “Backstreet’s Back” and how Tully didn’t know anything about them until they had come “Back”. Tully got all intellectual talking about music and comebacks and how the Backstreet Boys may still have plenty of loyal fans but they’ll probably never be number one again just because the kids keep finding newer and shittier things that they follow for a few months then throw away like a used condom. Rawdog is still doing the Onnit primal challenge, and Ellis has been training for his next bout at EllisMania, they’re both pushing along even though they’re stretching pretty far out in the limits of what they can do. Shannon Gunz has been talking a whole bunch of shit on Rawdog in preparation for EllisMania as well. And Josh hasn’t been doing anything in particular that’s all too different from his normal routine that might help him win, but it should still be a good show nonetheless. Some dude called in because his brother was a cop and he pulled over some girl for a broken tail light and he was just gonna give her a warning, until she offered him a taste of honey pot then he went back to his car and wrote her a ticket for being a shithead. And you’d probably be surprised how often women and men offer themselves or their friends to the police to get out of taking responsibility for running stop signs and shit. A lot of them are kind of haggard and shit though, so it’s kind of a gamble if you decide to take them up on it. Plus, cop cars are have cameras on the front and back and inside so getting away with it even if you rope one that might be worth a few minutes of your penis’s time. If you’re really lucky though, you’re get partnered up with a full on Taco Bumper straight out of the academy and she’ll take you out trolling when you’re on the beat. Careful though, you might just get a bunch of guys looking to get a taste of your chili ring. Jason did an interview for some documentary on the UFC last night and it might be worth watching if that’s your thing. While he was there he got valet treatment on his Porsche and the two guys couldn’t figure out what the hell to do with it cause it’s not like parking a car is all that difficult, but then some third valet came over and he was a total dude bro guy bro dude guy bro dude guy bro duder brah and it turns out he was a huge fan of the show, so Jason got the VIP treatment and some shithead had the best dude bro day ever bro. And a quick update to joining the police force for sex, get a phone number and do that shit after hours, otherwise you might end up getting pistol whipped in front of a big crowd of people. Or even worse, accidentally have that shit broadcast on the police band radio and EVERYBODY’S gonna hear the ridiculous noises you make when you’re getting your crankshaft lubed.
Last month, some lady in Washington, who decided to go on an all air diet six months ago and live stream it on the internet, but today she pulled out LIKE A BIATCH!!! Apparently her body’s need for food and water trumped her natural hippie desire to be ridiculed for making stupid fucking assumptions about how things are supposed to work when we all have free spirited children inbreeding with each other in some nature compound in the god damn forest where everything that is taken is returned to the earth, except for the drugs cause you can’t grow opium poppies and coca trees in America and every night there’s a drum circle where everyone airs out their fucking dreadlocked pubes in front of a campfire and sings Krishna chants that are translated incorrectly into what is probably a reenactment of an Adolf Hitler speech. I lived with hippies, I know what I’m talking about here people. There was a game cooked up for the interns to see if they’re any good at following directions (not a stab at anyone else in the building, I’m sure). The guys were asked questions and had to basically answer everything and read it out loud on the air. Right out of the gate, Anal Gay Lewis believes that he is “The leader in following orders”, which would be funny if it weren’t so hard to process why someone would say that. But he was quickly put in last place finishing the written part of the test by the other two interns blasting right through it. Then, Anal Gay fucked the whole thing in the ass by doing the entire test when the only thing he had to do was write his name. So, kudos to all the fucktards who continue showing us our tax dollars hard at work in the public school system. The guy from Chik-Fil-A is still a homophobic shithead and doesn’t deserve your money, plus the food is probably the same kind of over processed crap that caused a 24 year old Joshua Richmond to get kidney stones twice, so it’s a bad idea to eat there no matter what. Plus he’s a rich white man, and they’ve had their turn, so it’s time to take the reins and mercilessly whip him with them while passing the torch to the new generation. And Tully with his Oxford education came out and posterized the religious right’s argument against gay marriage, and then did an end-zone dance all over a god hates fags picket sign. Next up in the fight for civil rights, Hot dog filled tacos!!! Which I think I’ll make this weekend just to prove a point and piss a few people off. Rawdog read off some more of the many statements that people make about how gay marriage is gonna destroy all of society, and bridges are gonna drive up the divorce rate and pedophiles are gonna be filing income taxes (instead of being tax free employees of the church (WHOOPS WAS THAT OUT LOUD?!?!??!)) and how Kat Von D is now single by way of dumping Deadmaus on twitter, cause that’s pretty much the be all end all of modern civilization. Deadmaus couldn’t give a fuck that Kat Von D is gone, and I’d probably feel the same way if it was my situation and she was airing my dirty laundry. Hell, I’d probably start a few hundred different twitter accounts just for the sake of blocking and reporting her for spam, just to be a cunt. There were some more phone calls about gay rights and gay people and all things gay and how it’s all a load of shit if you’re really that bent out of shape about it. The only time someone else’s sexual orientation affects me, IS IF I’M TRYING TO FUCK THEM. Other than that, it’s a pretty pointless argument. Not to go too far riding the gay rights train, it would just be nice if more people could shut the fuck up about things that aren’t really problems. Rant over, time for Avenged Sevenfold’s gayest song. Shit! I was really liking those guys too…
So, Scottie Pippen got in a fight a few days ago and today the guy who got his ass kicked piped up to give his two cents on the situation,. He saw Scottie at a restaurant and (allegedly) asked for a picture in the restaurant, got it, then asked him again on the way out and in the parking lot, Scottie said “no mother fucker” and bashed him in the head with a shoe. Cause that’s totally how Pippen would roll. Of course, like most celebrity coat tail riders he was probably just butt hurt that his sports stars don’t bend over backwards to do shit for him like they don’t have their own fucking lives or anything. And that Aaron Hernandez guy is probably gonna be on his way to jail for a long time cause he’s currently under investigation for murdering a bunch of people. And he’s doing a great job leaving evidence while trying to get rid of anything that could be used as evidence. The interns got called back in for another test of how well they can follow directions and it wouldn’t have surprised me if Anal Gay fucked up again, this time the test was origami. They tried to have Dom test it out before the show and he got as far as making one of those paper fortune tellers that little kids used to make fun of their friends. While the interns were making origami cranes, the guys had a new game to play where they had to guess what celebrity makes what sex noises! Reaching pretty far for the premise, but it sounds like it could be interesting. Right out of the gate was Rawdog with the worst Brad Pitt ever complete with him telling Angelina Jolie to kill all the zombies. Next, Tully gave us an instantaneously recognizable James Hetfield. Jason’s first turn was impossible to place because it was just kind of every sound you could use to make fun of somebody, but Rawdog’s first guess was spot on for Jim Carrey! Round and round it went with awesome impressions of people like Johnny Depp, Charlie Sheen, Woody Allen (Which was actually supposed to be Woody Harrelson, but Ellis fucked it up cause he can’t read), Adam Sandler, Jack Nicholson, Michael Jackson, one that I really hoped was Dikembe Mutumbo but actually turned out to be Sylvester Stallone, Paul Hogan and Jackie Chan, with Ellis ultimately being crowned the winner. The loser had to spin the wheel of doom, and since it was Rawdog, he took a spin and landed on the MMA gauntlet, but got a do over and landed on vibrating panties. At this point it was about 25 minutes since the interns were told to make origami cranes and not a god damn one of them was able to accomplish what a second grader can in a tenth of the time, not to point no elbows or nothing, just worth pointing out. Tully found a story that Oprah was the most powerful celebrity in the world, then got ousted for a quick minute by Jennifer Lopez, then knocked that ass off the perch and reclaimed the throne. Tussin Wolf came back in the studio with his buzzing undies on, and with shame in his heart for the pleasure which dare not speak it’s name, he sat quietly for a few minutes while Ellis and Tully talked about Forbes magazine for a little while. Jetta came in with the first of three origami cranes, and actually was the first by a long shot. Anal gay also finished, but proved himself the last place contender because he forgot that he was supposed to come back in when he was finished. Anal started getting a little pissy and it turned in to another argument with Jason. It didn’t get as bad as earlier, but it’s still another load of bullshit. I mean, it was just supposed to be some whoreigami. Granted, the Japanese take shit really seriously, but even this is going kind of far. There was more talk about all the most powerful celebrities, and maybe two of them have a shred of respect from me, so I didn’t bother keeping track of who got ranked where. But since most of what is sold to the public as news is a steaming bowl of elephant piss anyway, you can probably just ignore this list. Next test for the interns was making a smoothie and Jetta came in first again with a neatly layered smoothie with all of the ingredients floating on top of one another and coating the glass like a fine mixologists creation. Anal Guy started another argument for not making the smoothie, and sure it’s more bullshit, but he kind of had a point. Once again, tensions high in the studio today. Everyone’s a bear and they all keep poking each other. Right about now is final calls time, and like I’ve said before, the public lets me down constantly. Apparently Rawdog is over protective of his girlfriend and totally advertises that he’s dating her by sticking his tongue down her throat as a show of dominance and assertion that he’s committing insertion on that. And all the people who run all the biggest companies are probably assholes hell bent on making the world a worse place for any person who’s not exactly like them. James Woods’ 20 year old girlfriend got arrested for felony drug charges a few days ago, so if that makes you love that guy a little bit more than I salute you. James Woods also live tweeted a game of poker that he was playing, cause he really is just that fucking awesome. And there’s some crazy slug that some guy found at a lake in Australia. You could probably Google it. One guy called in to redeem the fans by letting Ellis and the crew know that they are totally audible through the phone, and that people are idiots by and large. Tully floated the idea of getting a supergroup together for the next EllisMania concert, and some good names got floated, such as Ozzy, Drew Barrymore, and even Werewolves! Some lady called in to ask what the guys thought about her getting acupuncture to help her get pregnant, and the guy kind of knows she wants a baby but he doesn’t know she’s really trying to get knocked up. The good advice gods smiled on this situation, and this lady got the message that her and her man need to talk the shit out and be a hundred percent clear about it before they bring a life into the world, and she’s got a pretty twisted view of how it’s supposed to work. Long story short, some ladies really do need a locking device for their vaginas. I mean, really. Fucking seriously, it’s just good for the whole planet in absolutely every way.
I normally end these with a satirical life lesson, but today I’m gonna do something different. Leave your best ending on the comment section here or on twitter, addressed to me @shit_toboggan (don’t forget to follow me so I can DM you) and the one that sounds best to me will get some Red Dragons/EllisMate stickers in the mail.
Stay Frosty, mother fuckers ,,rr,