Like an unimaginable blast of slut magic, I appear! How you doin’ folks? You good? You have a good lunch? You wash your hands after you took a shit? You look back in to the bowl and wonder if you’re dying just cause of the color and consistency of it? Good, glad to hear it! So anyways, Jason started the show talking about the origins of the word cunt and how all the different words that make up the english language might have just sprang up from some stupid bullshit. Then the Ramones started playing over the guys talking and I couldn’t make any of it out, but I do know from experience, that Sheena is a punk rocker. As soon as the technical snafu finished, the guys got back to talking about cunts, sick cunts, slut cunts, and towns called cunt. And apparently, there was a town called cunt that was known for fishing and that’s where we get that modern myth from. And I can honestly say that that is definitely not true, cause I’m not a big fan of fish, but I LOOOOOOOOVVVES the pussay!!! Besides, dude junk can be just as gross, it’s all a matter of what point in human history you live in. Just don’t get too rapey with the foreplay and you can pretty much guarantee there will be a female orgasm. Jason has been grinding his teeth in his sleep lately, and it’s pissing him off. Somebody suggested that he go get one of those orthopedic mouth guards but he said fuck that cause he’s a fighter in training and already has that shit covered. Plus, it makes him have awesome victorious dreams. Rawdog started giving Jason shit about his shirt, but was quickly shut down by Tully who got pwned when Rawdog told him how awesome of a game Duck Cunt was way back in the day. Ellis has been eating breakfast at someplace that’s really gay, and this raised the question of how gays might be treated if they were born in the wild away from all of society’s bullshit rules. Somehow, this gave Jason a movie idea to have an island full of gay toddlers overthrowing all the straight kids. None of the guys know any of the intern’s real names, but they might as well be pond scum, so fuck them. Jetta is pretty cool though, and after his epic weekend reliving Jason’s experiences from 20 or so years ago, he seems to be loving every second of everything, so shout out to Jetta. Jason took this opportunity to relive some awesome skateboard memories and shout at the sky for how badly the action sports industry may or may not have fucked him over, but he’s still thankful for the whole experience. He also took a few minutes to give a brief history of how he got sponsored by Kawasaki and how Yamaha should stick to pianos. Tully made the comparison of Jason’s dirt bike and his love of guitar, and it probably made plenty of sense to all the people listening who don’t know anything about motocross. Long story short, if you want to play the blues, you need heroin and an old man to convince you to tell your girlfriend to fuck off so you can complain about her for the next fifteen years. Pendarvis came in to talk about cows fucking and that’s what made the Ramones start playing over the guys talking earlier in the hour. That’s right, Pendarvis talking about cows having sex causes electrical interference. You heard it here first, people. And although it has nothing to do with New Music Tuesday, Big B has a new album an it could be his ticket to freedom from that SON OF A BITCH Carey Hart. Just kidding folks, Carey Hart’s mom probably isn’t a bitch. And also completely unrelated, Rick Moranis put out an album of Jewish music last week too. And according to pretty much everyone, Rawdog is the worst Jew ever for not knowing about it. And even crazier, Moranis has been nominated for a Grammy, and not even all that long ago! Fuckin’ Cinderella story, from Ghostbusters and that shit condom Honey I shrunk series all the way up to making comedy music albums. But then we got a taste of his last album and I gotta say, I’m surprised it got nominated for anything other than a free trip to the trash can. But hey, at least he was great in Spaceballs. Jason’s lizard has been going hard in the mother fucking paint lately, climbing trees and shit, being a fucking OG, you know, lizard shit. And Tony Hawk is gonna be doing Demolition Radio, live from Jason’s studio at the lovely horrible death trap known as Swinghouse! And will possibly be making an appearance later on today. And in case no one’s ever tried to serve it to you, you probably shouldn’t leave the rabbit’s asshole in your stew. Ellis is working on trying to get cameras rigged up all through his house so that he can go live on ellismania.com without being tied to a laptop, but the city of Los Angeles apparently doesn’t like internet, as seen through the problems that Swinghouse has always had. Sounds like it could work if the right crew were to put their balls on it, so stay tuned and you might be rewarded. Tully hates everyone at the gym where he swims laps, cause it’s a lot of old fat people who just get in the water and float around for a few minutes then go home and talk all gym-ratty to their cock slobbering relatives. Sirius/XM is picking up subscribers left and right, and it’s gotten to the point that Tully thinks that even Russell Brand may get a channel. The only drawback to that that I can see would be Russell Fucking Brand being in any way involved with it, including his name. It’s probably never gonna happen though, cause Americans don’t like people with accents, and no one cares about what the Canadian subscribers think. And in case you were all keeping track, BURGER’S VAGINA STOPPED BLEEDING!!! But Burger is also possessed by the devil, so it still kind of evens out. The guys talked some more about how much Russell Brand sucks, and anytime someone says that guy should fuck back off into obscurity, I start throwing high fives like somebody just won a little league championship. There was more talk about how actors can either hit a wall or be set for life if they play their cards correctly, and some other shit. Some people called in to ask questions about working in radio, talk about Rick Moranis, Jewish music, Rawdog is a racist, motocross, Rawdog’s racist workout, Ricky Gervais, and a whole bunch of other shit. There was some more talk about how everyone in TV and movies is ripping off every other country, just like with cars, and how if it’s being done in one place someone’s gonna do their own version somewhere else. And CGI is starting to go a little too far, kind of like autotune did. And there’s also gonna be another remake of Stephen King’s “Carrie” so if you really want to tune out and and take a shit all over a classic this summer, go check that out.
Some video on the internet has been making a pretty big fuss lately, mostly for the fact that it’s from an employee at a Golden Corral restaurant and the guy working there pretty much just outed the management for doing a fucking atrociously bad job keeping things sanitary. So think about that next time you wanna treat a waiter like shit, there may be a chain of command to your problems. But more importantly, it’s NEW MUSIC ASS RAPE! I mean CUNT SATCHEL!!! whoops, fuck I mean TUESDAY!!! And first up we heard from a good friend of the show that Rawdog almost forgot named Big B and it definitely had a great vibe to it, so if you’re into that kind of thing go get it. Next was the new one from Jay-Z and it was not too far outside the box from what you might expect from him, but not completely unlistenable until right when the hook dropped. After that we got a taste of Joe Cocker just to remind everyone of a time when musicians made music, not commercial properties. We also got to hear some new country from Don Gibson and it made me want to resurrect Johnny Cash’s corpse to go kick his ass. After that was the new single from 2 Chainz and you’d never guess that there’s next to no fucking effort at all put in to any of his work. The next steaming pile of cannon fodder was from Joey Badass and even I hate him just for the name, but more importantly he wrote a rap about Hillary Swank and it really does make me hope the Vogons come to demolish earth to make room for an intergalactic hyperspace bypass (Fuck you, I was watching the original Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy last night, smart people would get the joke). After that we heard some of the new album from Anna Meredith and it was another one of those long intros that doesn’t cash the check it’s ass is writing. Next up we got to hear a new track from The Used (as if Brian Cullen hadn’t been playing it for a week already) but it was a pretty decent tune all the same. Then we heard a new track from Ciara featuring Nikki Minaj and as much as I hate to say it, the music industry is fucking rap music harder than any rapper ever could. Next we heard Skylar Gray and if you didn’t have a good enough reason to cut yourself with your frozen tears and then use them as lube while you masturbate after your warm blood melts them, then this album should put you right over the edge. Then there was some other band that I missed the name of and it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever heard but I wouldn’t go pay to see it live. After that we heard Ty Dolla just fucking slapping the shit out of Martin Luther King Jr’s carcass like he never did nothing for nobody. Next up was Freddie Gibbs doing pretty much the same shit as everyone else, cause nobody’s done that yet, right? The next one we heard was Rawdog’s pick of the week named Thundercat and if you’re down with sort of disco inspired funk rock that sounds like it should be in a porno right up until the singer drops some ridiculous indie music line in the chorus, than you’ll love these guys and I’ll eviscerate you with the gears of your fixie bike. And with that, you can all change the channel back now, after some Avenged Sevenfold it’ll be the same show we all know and love.
So, some cops responded to a call from neighbors of some lady who was yelling all the kinds of things you might expect to hear if her boyfriend is beating her up, but the reason for all the yelling was her boyfriend’s uncontrollable flatulence. So fellas, be nice to your ladies, no Dutch ovens, unless she’s into it or you know she can’t make it to the door. Will Pendarvis stepped in the studio to remind us all that he really is just as poor and weird as we all think he is, and that’s just a god damn shame cause his shins have been the guiding force behind so much of our entertainment. Also, he came in to be the creepy Alex Trebek in another wonderful round of Ellis Jeopardy! As always, the questions and Jason’s clues were pretty fucking entertaining and the answers the guys gave were just as classic. And instead of horrible punishment like they normally would get, the winner was awarded with a Jew stamp!!! And even more shocking was that the winner was Jetta and in second place was Tussin wolf, earning himself a shiny Jew stamp so that they’ll all know who among them can be trusted! Then there was a music break without any other setup then the guys came back with a bit of Pot News. And it is definitely a good day for the Jewish stoners, because a high level Rabbi has declared that medical marijuana is not just kosher, but it’s also a mitzvah! So if you’ve got a friend that doesn’t drive on Shabbas, take a walk over to their place with a bottle of Maneschevitz and a chunk of the chronic, you too can Bris the world! Jason is getting really into training to beat up Gabe Ruediger again, which is a perfect segue to let everyone know that tickets are gonna be available soon for EllisMania9 at the glorious Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas! And if I was getting paid for that ad space, I wouldn’t tell you to stock up on cigarettes and booze somewhere else beforehand! And it should be a doozy this time around, it may be getting close to crunch time but there’s enough time to get your name on the bill and Ellis even wants to see about cooking up a new fight for your violent viewing pleasure! Rawdog found a couple of rather odd videos on the internet, one of them featuring the late great Bruce Lee advertising a very modern bottle of Johnny Walker whiskey, and I’m sure Bruce is in the process of punching out of his coffin to go rape Johnny Walker’s cadaver as we speak. The next one was Mos Def protesting the GITMO prison by pretending to be one of the prisoners and reenacting the way that prisoners on hunger strikes are force fed by the guards. And after a couple minutes of listening to it, it starts sounding pretty fucking real. Just goes to show you, the government is a bunch of worthless mother fuckers. Old friend of the show The Cookie Lady stopped by to drop off some treats for the guys. The cookie ladies son has mentioned that he’d be down to fight Rawdog at the next EllisMania, and being as he is a huge 13 year old, he’s about size proportionate to administer a pretty severe ass whooping. Even if fighting a junior high schooler doesn’t happen, the guys floated a few pretty interesting ideas for new EXTREME cookies that the cookie lady could try to make. And some of them could possibly be featured in an upcoming game on the show! Then they all watched a video of some lady who accidentally ate a fucking ridiculously hot pepper instead of a cherry, and then kept eating it, and then completely lost her shit because of it. And the only thing you really need to say after seeing something like that is…………………………………….Am I right? And while there may very well have been at least another 20 minutes or so of the show left, I didn’t hear it because the SiriusXM online player is electronic rectal herpes. So shout out to the space people who fuck up my many numerous pay services, fuck it, I don’t need to be able to answer phone calls in my apartment or actually make use of a subscription music service anyway. I mean really, I must be some kind of major asshole to think I should actually be able to get something I’m paying for, right? Fuckin’ technology, it gives me the worst kind of erection you’ve ever seen. Anyways….
In my younger days, I had a friend who used to always say “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” Like, way too much. Like it was kind of fucking ridiculous. One day, I asked him just what he meant when he was saying that and he told me “It’s a metaphor, it means that it’s better to appreciate what you have than to worry about what could be” and I asked him to elaborate so he told me “OK, no bullshit, it means that you’ll get just as much man on man contact by stroking your dick as you would if you tried to go double vag on a girl…….my dad watches a lot of porn…. Like way too much porn….I think it’s getting to be a problem for everyone in the house”
Red Dragons, mother fuckers ,,rr,