Evening, Mongrels! Welcome, once again, to the Wednesday re-cap of the Jason Ellis Show, we aren’t getting any younger so let’s talk radio. Speaking of getting older, you gotta get your ass out in the world and do some shit to better your life so that you don’t end up an old, fat, broken lump of a human riding around a grocery store on a rascal scooter asking the guy (Who is clearly busy with other shit) to get the last can of pork flavored fudge off the top shelf. There are tons of things in this world for you to make yourself less disgusting such as: exercising, eating better and of course riding a fucking bicycle. Yep, we are still on Rawdog about not riding a bike. I haven’t been listening to the show as much lately but I gather that his girlfriend is getting him closer to riding a bike or something, making her far more effective than Ellis has ever been. This further proves the theory that if Jason had a vagina, Josh would probably be tearing up the BMX course on X-Games.
It’s as easy as this, folks.
Ellis went for a stroll in the park and did some good old fashioned people watching where he saw a big fat dude sprinting, and a bunch of people doing Crossfit in the grass while looking at their phones. Which sparked the conversation of just how many people just stand around looking at their phones on a day to day basis and how lame it is. I’ll admit, I’m guilty of this. I’ll walk right over a choking grandmother in the street if I’m on a roll in Candy Crush. The conversation moved into what the kids are listening to these days and apparently the big 3 rock bands out right now are The Black Keys, Mumford and Sons and Skillet. Black Keys are pretty fucking dope IMO, I’ve bobbed my head to that one Mumford and Sons song but Skillet needs to be crucified immediately.
Rawdog’s girlfriend got Jason a shirt saying something about being part wolf and a slingshot with a wolf on it. So now he has a sweet shirt to wear while he shoots shit at Josh from across the room when he doesn’t feel like hitting him with the dick punch machine. Remember when we were talking about exercising and doing something with your life? Well, Rawdog is on the second to last day of his Onnit challenge. So naturally, a bunch of people called in asking vague questions like “I’m 21 and I’m fat, what should I do?” and “I like drinking beer, but should I smoke weed to lose weight?”. Yeah, we had some real winners today, proving the show really needs a call screener. Oh yeah, speaking of fat people Mexico is now the fattest country in the world. Apparently cooking your rice in lard makes it fatty, who the fuck knew? Ellis brought up that he doesn’t trust chicken because he doesn’t know how to cook it. Donald Schultz (Oh yeah, Schultz came on the show!) started blabbing on about free range fried chicken or something and I kind of drifted out while I was trying to keep an 8-month-old baby from sucking on a light socket.
Remember when I mentioned Donald Schultz was on the show? He totally was! And the guys wanted to see just how racist he really is, so they put his bigotry to the test. They asked him a series of questions and in each he had to guess what race he thought would be the answer. As is a racist’s natural instinct, Schultz answered the questions so that he wouldn’t seem racist, but the guys totally sniffed the Hitler out of him. In related news, as the questions were being asked I found out that I, myself, have an aggressive streak of racism in me and I will be seeking professional help soon. Just as soon as they clean up all those ethnic areas around the psychiatrists office and my Jew accountant finds me some money to make it happen.
Kratom is a drug that is fucking awesome according to Schultz, and everyone should go out and do a shitload of it so we can all be fucking sweet as hell. And it’s legal, so fuck the police! We getting high as shit! Woo! Ellis is still a bit peeved about his loss to the 40 donut challenge and is still wanking on about how the ones he had the first time were like loaves of bread and he could totally do it if they were Krispy Kremes. So the gauntlet has been laid, and Ellis will be attempting to eat 40 Krispy Kremes in an hour, without vomiting. I am going to make my prediction here and say he is going to fail miserably. He only got through 7 of the mega size ones, and I hardly think the ratio of the big ones to Krispy Kremes is 7:40. But hey, it’ll be good radio, so Go champ! Go!
We got to hear the sweeping romantic tale of how Tully decided his wife was “The One.” today and it sort of made my heart melt. You see, Tully is the kind of guy that knows that even if you like a girl you can’t always trust that you won’t hate her family. And then while him and his wife were dating, she asked if they wanted to go to Japan and meet her family, so he was like “Fuck it, I’ve never been to Japan.” And then when he got there he found out he didn’t hate her family! And he didn’t hate her either, so BOOM! Marriage.
Devon (Ellis’ Daughter) got onto the wifi with her phone and Googled her dad and found a whole bunch of shit about the show and the debauchery that goes with it. So naturally, the next thing she Googled was “Sex.” And now Jason has to have a conversation with her about sex and what he does for a living and the whole thing sounds like it could be an awful confession. But, it has to happen because she was going to find out eventually and hse is going to have it sort of hanging over her head for her whole life that her Dad is this sort of crazy, demonic fiend of a radio host who has a legion of even crazier, demonic fiends rooting him on every day. It sort of reminds me of the first time I learned about sex. You see, I was going door to door selling magazines for my middle school football team. I walked up to this house and knocked on the door and this sort of sweaty old man answered in his bathrobe. He said he wanted to buy a subscription for Sports Illustrated for Kids and offered me some chocolate milk while he looked for his checkbook. I woke up 8 hours later in the woods outside of town with a plastic bag over my head and bruises on my ass. I guess we all learn in different ways, but the important thing is that we take the lessons to heart. Good Night!