Guys, before I start this recap, we gotta clear something up. I did not get nearly enough compliments on how beautiful my cock is this tuesday. Yes, it was my birthday and yes, I know my cock is beautiful, but god dammit I’M INSECURE AND I NEED TO BE REMINDED OF ALL THE THINGS I SHOULD LIKE ABOUT MYSELF OR ELSE I START HAVING ISSUES!!! That said, it was a pretty sweet birthday and nobody embarrassed me by forcing themselves to sing, so I’m pretty happy with how it turned out. Anyways, The show started today with a public service announcement that shit is fucking awesome. Jason is enjoying his new training regimen and he’s getting pretty pumped on his dry fit shorts, cause it’s making him start to love his own ass. Rawdog seems to think that it may be illegal in some states to love your own ass, but he’s full of shit and getting better about admitting it. Jason equates all of this to fucking a girl so good that she starts punching you right as you’re about to finish all over her insides. Tussin Wolf of course has never had this happen to him, but his new lady Karla may be able to facilitate such a scenario. Tully had some lady staying with him when he was in England and on the night of his birthday he pounded that ass just right and she couldn’t even make it out of the bed for a piece of cake. Really goes to show that when the world is in just the right amount of turmoil, the sex goes to a whooooooooole new level worldwide. Josh is right on the cusp of wanting to be fed and maintained by machinery, just so that it can save him time to do other stuff. Tully, being a complete foodie that he is, is probably plotting his demise as I write this. The guys immediately had to figure out just what the fuck it is that Rawdog needs an extra hour and a half to get done every day that would be saved by not having to go through the chore of making/going out to get food and then eating it. Tully equated this to Twitter and Facebook, it’s all junk food, just for the brain. Facebook is a steaming pile of bandwagon bullshit, and twitter is good for a few minutes at a time, so I can understand Tully’s point. Rawdog needs Gold Bond for his cock and balls, Jason has recently stopped using it as much and Tully is still in withdrawals, but he isn’t going back for anything in the world. Of course, after the $250 that Tully won yesterday from the 30 second punching contest, you could powder up your balls for a month straight, but Tully is planning on doing something charitable with it, and we respect him for that. Tully used to give to a homeless people charity, but it all got corrupt and since he is a vengeful mother fucker, his final payment to that charity was a fresh chunk of dog turd. Ellis and the guys shared stories about homeless people and how crackheads are endlessly entertaining until they start getting abusive to a lamp post or the sky or the first thing that moves or gives off light that they can see. Jason is just starting to get in to Game of Thrones, and I haven’t jumped on this bandwagon bullshit, but I bet it would probably be good to read the books first if you can, then see how well the show stacks up to it in a few months when Netflix has it. Jason reviewed the show for a while in his more abridged sick cunt fashion and it sounds like it could be pretty interesting from his point of view. Tully pitched what is probably the best movie idea ever about a guy who goes around forcibly making urban legends come true, like filling Rod Stewart’s stomach with cum or selling fried chicken and watermelon in a black neighborhood and making a healthy profit doing so. Jason met a guy at the gym last night who has a full on movie quality cop car full of guns but it’s not a load of bullshit. The guys talked working out and diet and stuff for a while. Tully is probably gonna be one of those guys that gets ridiculously fit right when they’re too old to make the most of it. However, the gym will always be one of the best places for free live creep shots, so it’s not a total loss. Just make sure you’re not ogling one of the ladies who might be in way better shape than you, shit could go horribly wrong. On a more entertaining note, Wyoming only has two escalators in the entire state. And if that seals the deal for you to move there, I wish you safe travels into Deliverance country. Then we got a call in from a listener to confirm that Wyoming does in fact suck and the escalators are the best thing they’ve got going. But at least we didn’t have to annex Wyoming for cheap sugar like we did with Hawaii. Long story short, fuck whitey. And to a lesser extent, the Orientals, but even then, mostly just the Koreans. They took some more calls on things and stuff. Some dude called in to defend Wyoming, but he was probably the white devil, so whatever. Speaking of white people and evil, now would be a great time for some Machine Head.
So the Westboro Baptist Church is back in the news again, doing all the shit they’re normally known to do, but in much more positive news, the New York Satanic Church has gone above and beyond the call of duty and gone to the grave of Fred Phelps’ mother and invoked a dark incantation to ask our great and undeniable master SATAN to convert her eternal soul to that of a lesbian. And I for one, couldn’t possibly be happier. And crusades against Westboro are the only times when I will openly support people rollerblading. Mel Gibson probably hates the Jews just as much as Westboro hates the gays, and the Hell’s Angels and the KKK hate Westboro, so be careful with your charitable donations is all I can say on that whole subject. Maybe we should just call the occupy movement to follow the God hates fags guys around and just inflict hilarious mischief against them. It ain’t like they have a whole lot going on right now, and they all don’t have jobs, so how about a free assist for some good karma? That rapper Riff Raff is pissed off cause the movie Spring Breakers ripped him off harder than a band-aid covered in Krazy glue. But it wouldn’t be the first time for Hollywood to bite somebody’s style though, so maybe he just needs to shut the fuck up, like the real life guy that was the inspiration for Kramer on Seinfeld, or pretty much everything that black people thought of first that white people ripped off for their own purposes. But more importantly, Spring Breakers was a fucking travesty and James Franco was the best part, and he wouldn’t have been that good without swinging off of Riff Raff’s nuts like a hypnotist swinging a pocket watch. If you want some really quality video entertainment, you need to catch Sharknado, a movie that has truly pushed the boundaries of made fro TV film making. Just from all the descriptions I’m hearing all over every god damn thing i look at every day, one of the guys from 90210 and Tara Reid (who I almost would have thought was dead cause I hadn’t heard anything about her for a while) have to survive a tornado made of sharks. You couldn’t come up with it yourself, so now that you’ve heard about it you want to see it, don’t you? DON’T YOU?!?! I fucking knew it. I can’t lie, an absolutely shitty movie from the SyFy network about sharks raining from the sky does sound like it would be worth watching. I mean, it can’t be worse than Manos:The Hands Of Fate or Rubber or any of the other myriad of fucking terribly awesome movies I’ve seen. The guys took a listen to some Riff Raff and it was about as good as I would normally expect from mainstream rap *cough cough* #FUCKAMAINSTREAMRAPPER *cough cough*. There were some more calls about Westboro and the Patriot riders (the biker gang that blocks them from protesting) and a bunch of other stuff too. Then we heard some more Riff Raff #CheckMyLastHashTag. And in breaking hand job massage parlor news, CHINA HAS LEGALIZED HAPPY ENDING MASSAGE PARLORS!!! And I was getting a massage two days ago too, but it wasn’t in China and it wasn’t THAT kind of place, but if my girlfriend had bought me that for my birthday, I wouldn’t have said no, but I would have quadruple checked if it was OK first. Then double checked again. Some guy called in to ask about the Rolling Stone magazine cover with the Boston bombing suspect on the cover of it, and seeing as the case isn’t closed yet, the media needs to pretty much shut the fuck up about it. And the media profit machine could certainly do well to be a little more conscious of who they decide to turn in to a celebrity. But hey, I’m just a member of the public, what the fuck would I know, right? I can understand people wanting to know how shit like this happens, but it wasn’t even three months ago. Some people take longer than that to grieve when their cat dies, so maybe it’s good to give the issue some space until more of the facts have actually been figured out. It’s worth ranting about, but I’m still having a good day, so I don’t need to shit all over my sunshine by making character assassinations for an hour and a half. I’d much rather headbang to some Akka Dakka.
DRAGON NEWS MOTHER FUCKERS!!! AND IT AIN’T JUST GONNA BE ABOUT ME DRAGGIN’ MY DIRTY HAIRY ASSHOLE ALL OVER THAT EGG MCMUFFIN YOU HAD FOR BREAKFAST BIATCH!!! First up, some kid got one of the junior meals at Burger King and found the cooks weed pipe in the bag, Red Dragons to that guy who now no longer has a job because of weed! Keep trying sir, you’ll find a place that appreciates your talents. Rawdog had to tread lightly around the dragon, because the dragon knows bullshit and is a big fan of breathing fire on it. But this story raises a great question, should Burger King be allowed to pass the dutchie to the left hand side by way of kids’ meal? Tully seems to be the smart one in this scenario and thinks the best way around telling your kids what that high school dropout left in your food is by going back to the counter and “massaging” the situation into the shape of a free 6-piece and a milkshake. The dragon loves drinking Jewish cum too, I don’t really know what that has to do with anything, but he just couldn’t stop talking about it. He’s also very romantic when he eviscerates someone with his claws. He’s also got his whole cave decked out like a Snoop Dogg video with gold and diamonds and a Cadillac Escalade on some 28″ triple chrome spinners, just to lure black men and Jews in whenever he’s feeling a little peckish. So here’s another good question, as it relates to the guys lunch, how awesome would it be to have your corpse decapitated and deep fried? I mean, you wouldn’t be able to watch it happen (depending what your beliefs are) but god damn the crowd that watches it would be pretty fucking epic to be a part of. Way better than donating your body to science so some coked out hungover rich frat boy can hack it all up learning how to remove a pancreas. Or you could donate yourself to a pinata company, or get yourself taxidermied into a giant Pez dispenser. Maybe even have yourself mounted on the hood of someones car, like that pair of bull horns that Boss Hog had in Dukes of Hazzard. Making yourself a permanently preserved weekend at Bernie’s style mannequin for an endless supply of hilarious photos. There were some great ideas on Twitter, like tying Tully’s body to the bathroom key at a gas station. Or get your corpse pumped full of drugs so people can harvest the remains at a later date for a fuckin’ rager of a weekend. Or let one of your buddies use you for a wakeboard. Or have pieces of yourself made into medieval weapons. The guys talked some more about Riff Raff and how the fame machine in America works and how it sure does require a lot of bullshit, but if you do it right you can be considered awesome by lots of people. And not every famous person is a shithead. Can’t hate the hustle though, just look at ICP, they haven’t dropped the gimmick in almost 20 years and they still sell platinum records. They took some phone calls on the subject and the consensus is that Riff Raff may be a shitty rapper, but he ain’t the first and he ain’t the worst and he sure as fuck ain’t gonna be the last. Just stick to your bullshit as long as you can and don’t turn into a cunt. A very nice fan of the show brought all the guys lunch, all topped off with a salad for Rawdog. They gave the whole shpeil about how awesome their restaurant is and how the dogs and the kids and even picky eaters can all come down and enjoy some organic free range food. I don’t know how to spell the name of the place, or the address, but it’s somewhere in the greater LA area, so if you’re nearby go grab some lunch that ain’t jam packed full of government cunt cheese and pharmaceutical grade sugar. The guys got on the topic somehow of chopping your limbs off and replacing them with knives, and Tully came up with the idea of weaponizing toddlers in this fashion. Ellis is gonna start hunting TMZ reporters, but he’s not out for an interview or blood, he’s just gonna kick them in the balls really softly. But he’s gonna have to get started learning to convince them that they want him groping their nuts. Perfect segue into one of my new favorite songs, CUNT KICKER!!!
Jews are starting to go hard in the mother fucking paint these days. Specifically, they have now approved the first ever Kosher sexual lubricant. This coming just a week after they declared that medical marijuana is OK in their book. And they did their research too, they toured the whole facility where the stuff is made and had a tasting party for all the ingredients to be sure it was up to par. So shout out to a religious group that is way more progressive than pretty much all the rest of them. If you hadn’t heard yet, Ellis is taking T-shirt ideas from the fans for stuff that he can sell under the WolfKives brand. If he picks yours, you can get a bunch of cool shit like T-shirts and a WolfKnife ring and probably some other stuff too. He got a chance to check out some of the early entries recently and while I’m sure they’re better on a screen or a piece of paper, there’s a few early contenders that were mentioned on the radio. If you want to give it a shot, you can send your idea to firstname.lastname@example.org and see if you’re really making all the right career moves. Oh, and in case you didn’t see the one from last year, there will be a new MVP trophy at EllisMania9 courtesy of our friend Aaron Hunzinger, @AHdidit on twitter if you’re into that kinda thing. The guys talked about fucked up deep sea creatures and how the ocean is the most terrifying place in the world and the fish are definitely the most gansta ass mother fuckers on the planet. And if you’re in the area, go check out Cher’s new pad up in Beverly Hills. Maybe she can tell you how she made Sonny Bono into a shattered man whose only hope for success was to become a politician. Ever wondered how people get a star on the Hollywood Boulevard walk of fame? It’s pretty simple, show up on time when the star is unveiled, and pay $30,000 to the guy who has to cast it and set it in marble. The guys took some final calls that gave us a little insight into just how dirty Jason’s keyboard is. According to him, there’s at least a gram of human pubic hair and a quarter inch of food residue and all kinds of other shit all over it. Some shithead called in for the fourth time doing shitty voice impressions that weren’t very funny and show just how badly the guys need a real producer and call screener. The guys listened to more Riff Raff to see if he’s got any real talent at all, and it seems the only thing he’s good at is following a line of bullshit as far as it can possibly go. There was some more talk of many random things and all the shit that makes me lose more and more hope for humanity. Rawdog is going to Chicago over the weekend and isn’t sure about whether or not he should bring weed on the plane with him, and if you don’t remember the first Mr. X story from a year or two ago where he had to ditch his luggage at the airport only to come back and find that they were holding it because a couple numbers on the tag didn’t match their records and that they had no suspicion of him carrying any of it. The guys discussed the possibility of having a less important than the VIP number for the WolfKnives to call in on and keep some of the less interesting callers from wasting airtime. It’s not the worst idea, really, but could end up being a shitstorm of people passing the phone number around and making it a fucking wash. And there was even one caller who admitted that even though some folks have been listening to the show for a long time, it still doesn’t sink in how the whole final calls thing is supposed to work. SO IT’S NOT JUST ME GUYS, THIS SHIT IS ACTUALLY JUST AS BAD AS THE GUYS THINK IT IS. But anyway, I gotta get home and smash out some leftover cupcakes and fall into a pile of dirty laundry and roll around in it like in Indecent Proposal.
When I was a young lad, I used to go to work with my dad every so often just to see what he did. One day, we went somewhere very different from the normal place we’d always gone to. We stopped on the porch of some guys house and my dad said to me “Son, no matter what you hear going on behind this door, you just need to wait here” and I asked him what he was about to do. He told me “Son, I’m gonna pay this man a nice visit, and let him know that sometimes it’s a really bad idea to stiff your drug dealer.” “But dad,” I said “This is uncle Charlie’s house” and he said “FUCK! Dude, what day is it? And why aren’t you at school? And who’s fucking shoes are these?!?! Shit, son, I think it might have been a bad idea that I stiffed my drug dealer, I have no idea how high I am or what I’m on right now” and I said “Dad, this is what happens when we agree on a price and you hand me a five dollar bill wrapped around a stack of losing lottery tickets. Have fun finding your way home”
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,