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Show Recap for Thursday 8/14/2014

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It’s what we’ve all been waiting for since Ellis signed off on Tuesday, guys, it’s time to find out what went on in New York City in the big contract meeting of doom that may or may not have been all that doomy and equally may or may not have involved lots and lots of use of the Daddy Voice!! As you probably know there was a ‘Best Of’ in place of the regular show for Wednesday as Ellis took a trip to NYC (we over here on the East Coast just call it The City because we all know that, really, it’s the only city that matters) to talk contract with SiriusXM big-wearing wigs…or maybe the wigs are big and the guys are small…or the wigs just look big but they big bosses have small heads…whatever…SiriusXM BigWigs were Daddy Voiced into submission by Ellis and then he returned to California to be the voice on the radio that you didn’t listen to today (I assume since you are here reading this lovely recap on this even lovelier website) and he is happy to be back under the California sun and probably even happier because all of the bullshit is over and done with. Ellis informed us that it was sunny in NY as well, which actually surprised the hell outta me since I woke up yesterday morning and my car was floating down the driveway, just about, thanks to the twelve inches of rain that fell a mere 45 minutes east of Manhattan…but no one really cares about me, everyone wants to know what’s up with the contract!!!!

not gonna tell you yet though cause before Ellis talks contract he needs HotDog to get him some coffee and by the way HotDog, do you ever go out in the sun and OH NY GOD YOU NEED TO SERIOUSLY TAKE CARE OF YOUR BACK OF THE NECK HAIR BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS AT LEADT THREE LEVELS OF OFFENSIVE! Back of the neck HotDog hair (and btw saying hotdog hair in my head as I write this has made me never ever want to eat a hotdog again cause…ick) was exposed when HotDog was telling Ellis that he does go out in the sun and yesterday while Ellis was negotiating his still hairless balls off, the Hotdog and family were at Universal Studios doing it up Gangster Style with a VIP ultra inclusive behind the scenes tour- so take that!!

On to the juicy- Ellis stayed at The Night Hotel in NYC which he explicitly did a shout out for because of how much they fucking sucked!!!! Ellis laments that he was late to all of his meetings because his key card to get into the room was constantly faulty and he didn’t know why he bothered anyway as he was only traveling with a backpack and he only used the room to shower because the bed in his room was 5yo race car bed sized. Total bust. Ellis then went on to say that he wasn’t a fan of NYC in general to which I said, “whatever,” but he was more interested in the grassy bits he had to pass to get back to the airport where he hung out for four hours to unwind rather than try and figure out something to do in THE GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD. But, whatever, kept you hanging on long enough so I’ll get to the contract. WIN. Ellis is soon to be signed on (cause no actual signing has taken place as of yet) for two more years at SiriusXM, though he is not contractually obligated to continue broadcasting in the event of some tragic untimely death in those 2 years. Ellis wasn’t completely handed over control of his own channel but Faction is going to be Faction With Jason Ellis and Ellis has control over 10 solid hours of Faction in addition to being able to add a one hour show, and also he, Tully, Wilson, and Backbone will have more day over what is played on Faction with Jason Ellis. Also, Rawdog Channel will soon commence playing TJES replays on the weekends and one weekend per month there will be a TJES takeover on Faction. To the behind the scenes stuff…starting Monday the show will have an engineer on staff to help with any I that pesky microphone buzzing or spun issues or computer issues or whatever an engineer does to help prevent a wide array of technical difficulties. TJES will also have a Real Producer who has all kinds of credentials and radio street cred who can book fancy guests that don’t want to be on the show now because they communicate with Cumtard. Sorry, love you Cumtard. The show has also been given a bigger budget and approval to do more remote shows and things like that to let them interact more with all of us wonderful fans!! Ellis is pretty happy with the whole thing and says that it’s probably better he wasn’t really given his whole own separate channel at this point in the game because he never really realized how much went into all of this shite and he doesn’t really want to be aggravated about what’s going on on the radio at two in the morning with some stupid DJ doing something moronic that doesn’t involve doing kettle bell swings between playing songs. Ellis talks a little bit about plans for October since there will be no Ellismania this year and it seems there will be some sort of event going on in that terrible New York City place October 18 – 26 involving HorseForce, maybe a cricket game, and an EMX qualifier fight. I got bummed a little bit cause I have a wedding to attend on the 19th…but then I was like ‘weddings are for getting drunk (such a romantic, I am) so who’s gonna care if I show up hungover and proceed with some Hair of the Dog type cure?!?! Fucking no one.

After that talk turns quickly over to the fact that Ellis is going to be racing UTV’s Saturday and Sunday at Lake Elsinore (thank you google for spelling assistance on that one) and everyone and anyone is invited to check that out. Ellis is a little wary because he has to bring the kiddies and he knows Devin isn’t going to be all that into it, but you know what, tough shit. Sometimes being a kid means doing things and going places that you don’t. Tully is quick to agree with this because he has suddenly found himself being a parent who goes to the park every night because that’s what his kid wants to do and he doesn’t really want to go to the park every night but not he’s caught in the vicious cycle of routine. They talk back and forth about the good old days before portable computers that fit in your pocket where you had a grand old time playing with sticks and rocks and the magic substance created when you added water to dirt. Ellis thinks kids today are nowhere near up to the snuff of kids of yesteryear and if he were five years old today going up against any of the five year olds of today, he’d be able to shit whip any of them. To subject you all to my own perspective, Hubbs and I are currently knee deep in the whole issue of having a kid used to his iPad or going to fairs and festivals or bounce houses every weekend and, now that he’s five cannot stop telling us how bored he is if we are not constantly entertaining him. Ugh. Seriously he tried telling me the other day I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to leave him in our fenced in non-pool backyard for two minutes the other day while I ran inside to gets his nerf gun. I dealt with this by laughing, telling him I’m sure he would be alright standing on the porch alone for two minutes and taking my sweet ass time finding new batteries for the nerf gun. Ellis took a couple of calls from fans congratulating him on the contract and electing themselves for a one hour show and we got to hear from OxyCotten John whose idea for ‘Sober Hour with Oxy John’ is a decidedly terrible one.

Back from the break there is a guest in studio who looks like Ellis, is from Australia, and has no idea what TJES is just that’s he’s heard that he looks like the guy who hosts the show…his name is Paul de Gelder and he even sounds a lot like Ellis except that Ellis has that twinge of American in his accent that reveals that he has sold his soul to America. Paul de Gelder is a former Navy Paratrooper/diver kind of guy, which he explains is like the equivalent of being a US Navy Seal who is a current Motivation Speaker and Shark Weeker and Shark Attack Survivor. In other words, he is Ellis’ future Aussie Bestie. They went through Aussie Bro-downs throughout the interview- talking about drinking beer, where they grew up and went to school (which from the way they talked was pretty close to one another), and Ellis expressed a lot of envy over Paul’s robot arm, robot leg, and shark attack story. What was the shark attack story? Well, to try and nutshell it, Paul was swimming in Sydney Harbor for a training exercise and was on his back when a shark came swimming along, thought he looked enough like a seal and chomped into his right thigh. Paul said his first instinct was to do what, by now, we’ve all heard is the thing to do and try and poke it in it’s eye and punch it’s nose, but he wasn’t completely able to because the shark also had his right hand which had been at his side and he couldn’t quite reach it with the left hand. The shark pulled him under the water and started in on the death shake which ripped out his hamstring along with other thigh meat and destroyed his hand. He gets out of the sharks mouth and goes to swim towards his safety boat when he realizes that he can’t swim with his right non-hand and bitten leg and does the best as he can with his left side while trying to keep his right arm above his heart (which he credits to his army training). He gets pulled on to the boats by his friends and promptly passes out and they tourniquet his leg and awakes to his friend Tom-O punching his chest because he thinks his heart stopped and Paul was dying. Paul says this is when he started thinking “today sucks” and the seriousness of the situation sunk in because his friends could not stop swearing and he made the request to Tom-o to “get someone to look after my motorcycle” cause, Aussie Priorities, yo. He was given lots and lots of drugs for the pain including medical grade cocaine (Red Dragons) and after having his hand amputated and the Doctor telling him that if they saved his leg it could catch on fire and he wouldn’t even realize it, Paul recalls  telling the doctor, “Doc, just take my leg and turn me into a terminator.” This guy was really funny, I loved it. He talked about his robot hand and prosthetic leg a bunch, describing the different things his hand could do like ‘beer drinking mode’, ‘nipple gripple mode’, and ‘robot gentleman mode’, and demonstrated to Ellis and Tully a button the sir that made it go all floppy. They talked a bit about fighting and training and how they have twin floppy noses from being broken and Ellis catching punches with his nose as a fighting tactic, and then they talked sharks. Paul holds no Ill will towards the animals and, in fact, loves them and is up to his eyeballs in Shark Activism to save the sharks as they are being killed off and as Apex Predators (aka the things at the top of the food chain) killing them has very far reaching effects that would come to harm humans as well. He mentions that he’ll be going in Shark After Dark that night for Shark Week on the Discovery channel (he was awesome, I watched ye replay of it at like one in the morning and he was super funny and charming and didn’t let Chelsea Handler’s epic plastic surgery face spook him) and he talked a bit about the special he filmed for shark week called Great White Matrix which will air on Saturday involving studying Great White Pups and how they learn to be Great White Predators. All in all he was a great guest and will hopefully be back as a guest in the future after he moves from Australia to Los Angeles with his Beauty Queen girlfriend. He was a great, very entertaining and charming guest and if you have On Demand I would definitely recommend checking out Paul de Gelder on TJES, and in the meantime check him out on social media he is pauldegelder everywhere.

Back from the break following the Aussie Bro Down invasion Tully brings us some random news stories which included some guy who was a caretaker at an old house and found a bunch of whiskey from 1912 that was valued at over a hundred thousand dollars and proceeded to drink it all and then die before he can get prosecuted (from something that probably wasn’t related to drinking all of that whiskey). Also some old lady managed to fly on a plane without paying for a ticket but she won’t explain to the media exactly how she dd it because she’s an American and doesn’t want the terrorists to know. In other news more directly related to The Jason Ellis Show, Ellis has been challenged to the ALS ice bucket challenge by Sam Schacher and he wants to make it really awesome because he’s been challenged a couple of times and this time he really has to actually get it done. They toss ideas back and forth and take calls from listeners where Ellis thinks about doing a Moto jump through a sheet of ice, but eventually settles on getting a bucket of ice water dumped on his head after being punched by Keith Jardine since they’re sparring in the morning anyway. And Ellis is gonna make the $100 donation to ALS research as well.

Next up Tully has a clip of yet another weird and disturbing Canadian PSA which featured puppets singing a song about not putting things in their mouth. It was cheery and prolly should have been remixed to include a ‘that’s what she said’ after every line and I got a good tweet out of it involving me sucking Hubbs’ cock so it didn’t bring me down. Will comes in to get some Wolfknives names out of the way and they only do a couple because Mike Catherwood showed up (leaving me wondering what happened with the whole Heidi and Frank versus Ellis and Tully password game that was discussed on Tuesday) so welcome to the pack Pool Hogan, Gamma Gangster, Wet Blowjob, El Guzy, and Shark Dick!!!!

Mike Catherwood is in the studio for yet another show within a show, but this time it’s a different show within a show with a sick into called Fuckline. So, you know, it’s like Loveline except with Dr. Ellis and Dr. Tully cohosting and a lot more cursing and a lot less beating around the bush using sciencey sounding words. It was a great, hilarious segment that was not lacking for calls from fans looking for advice in their sex lives and we mostly learned that most sex acts can be made successful with the use of poppers and vicodin. It also comes out that you either have sexual chemistry with someone or you don’t and if you’re wife just wants you to whore fuck her all the time there are deeper issues in the relationship, but if you masturbate so much that you no longer want to bother with the whole intimacy thing thn you should just whore fuck her and get it over with. A call comes in from a girl looking for advice as she’s been getting sexually suggestive picture messages from a coworker at in opportune times, but Mike calls out the caller ‘Tiffany’ as Sam Schacher and tells her it’s alright if she’s really calling about the anal sex problem she and her husband have because he’s hung like a horse. Another female caller who wanted to suggest having a female cohost for Fuckline gets brought in on the call and advises Sam to reach for the tequila and feel lucky that she has Luxury Problems. Fuckline was really hilarious an was interspersed with conversations about what could be making Ellis’s jaw all cracky and painful and what he should do about it. They settle on the fact that it’s probably TMJ caused by chomping down on too much Beave…and talk about Luxury Problems! Haha…I’m sympathetic to the whole TMJ thing because I suffer from it and it really does hurt and it’s really annoying and it was always mildly embarrassing getting it treated because I got the treatment from my boss and another coworker and they would routinely advise me to refrain from sucking so much dick…and I think we all know how well that worked out.

And that’s about all folks!!!! A great show this Thursday, sorry for the delay in posting the recap!!!! Xoxo

Show Recap for Thursday 8/7/2014

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Well…after all that went on, or rather didn’t go on in the last hour of the show yesterday (you know…the 40 minutes of show that didn’t happen because of all that contract gobbledegook) one of the big questions of the day was sort of…will there even BE a show today? Well…there was, which is why I am here, because I am going to recap that show that went on today as best as I can…which should be pretty okay considering I had no app issues, my laptop seems to be cooperating, I’m actually at home before 11:30, and my kid is tucked in bed (and looks like he’s about to pass out, so I’m pretty sure my bases are covered). So, getting right into it…Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show Thursday Recap, I’m your host, Jenny!!! Woo! Lots of applause and maybe some applesauce because I can’t think of one without the other when I’m typing it!!! Woo!!! Applesauce!! Except not..applesauce is gross. I mean, I’m sure it’s delicious…it’s a texture thing. I can’t get over it.

Anywhoo…..Ellis opens up the show and is all “Hey, I’m here” and there was a collective sigh of relief…probably. For anyone who missed the show intro, at least. He dove right into the whole ‘who knew whether or not we’d be here cause, man, contracts, am I right’ and informed all the listeners that he and Tully will at least be around on The Jason Ellis Show on SiriusXM for another 30 days because he’s signed another one of those contract extension dealies while (supposedly) the rest of the details of the contract get hammered out. He talks about how he’s sure that, in the end, it will all work out one way or another, although it seems like he may be having to make more concessions than originally planned. Overall, He and Tully agree that there are still some sleepless nights ahead of them both and man, can they not wait for all of this contract bullshit to be over with so they can go back to just doing a radio show. I bet the rest of us really can’t wait for this contract bullshit to be over with either, because I don’t know about the rest of you people out there in the US and Canada, but this shit has me way more on edge than I’d like. Probably because, for so many of us, The Jason Ellis Show is way more than just a show. Are you listening SiriusXM? Seriously…I have to question where I would be in life right now if it weren’t for this show…the support from Ellisfam, the kindness shown to me by all of you guys, the other guys on this TJES dedicated site, Jude, and the doors that all of this has opened for me…I don’t know where I’d be. Ellis is building his Empire and he welcomes the hard work, stress, and sleepless nights with open arms at this point, because it’s all going to be worth it in the end, and there is no blocking out the sun. Ellis is the sun, for those of you who work the night shift.

Ellis does share that he woke up this morning and was feeling a lot better physically…his stomach doesn’t hurt, he was able to eat breakfast, he shadow boxed a little bit while he was at the Spa, and thank freaking god for that, because he’s coming out to NYC sometime next week to talk contract shit and he didn’t think that he’d be able to get through the trip if he was feeling all shitty still. He also called up his money manager person last night and let her know that he was blowing off some steam with his credit card at the sex shop and it wasn’t a discussion, just a ‘heads up’ and the money manager person who tries to help Ellis from going broke all of the time knows about all the stress and didn’t try to enforce any limits on him, just went “lol heads up” and Ellis and Katie were off to the sex shop where among other things, he purchased a wolf mask for katie, some pants, and a sex swing that doesn’t have to be bolted in to the wall. Ellis has also been watching some dungeony torturey porns lately trying to pick up tips and he says that there are some of them that are really good, and some of the things that he sees goes on he’s really into and other things not so much, and if he could just pick and choose that seems way more up his alley. Tully jokes about how he’s pretty sure that there are dungeons he could go where he’s be able to kind of tell them what he was in to and they would listen to him, but then there may be other places where you straight up are made into some dungeon mistress’ bitch for an hour and then you thank her and are on your way, so it’s probably better to avoid any dungeons that happen to be on yachts and in international waters. The guys in the green room still haven’t been able to get their hands on a Fist of Adonis- like hammer fist dildo and Ellis chews out Kevin a bit for it, and informs him that there was one at the shop he was at last night and maybe he should hit google on his iphone a little harder since Katie found it in about 25 seconds.

A caller calls the show with a question about Ellismania happening this year and Ellis says it, once again, there is not going to be an Ellismania this year. He’s bummed that there won’t be one this year, but he says that it’s going to occur at the beginning of 2015 and it’s going to be great because there is a real production company involved because he really cares about it getting done right. Live Nation is the company who is getting behind it this time, and I’ve been to one of their events and they seem pretty legit, so let’s all keep our fingers crossed that they have enough people to make sure that there are chairs for a musical chair fight and a pinata for the pinata fight. Ellis goes on a bit of a reminisce about how Ellismania got started at the Hard Rock (EM3) and how it could not have happened if not for him squeezing every dime he could out of his sponsors, and especially had Chad Reed not contributed $5000 of his own dollars. Seriously…that’s a lot of money to put into something where there is no payoff and where no one is making any money. Thank you, Chad Reed. Ellis did say that before the end of the year there would be a HorseForce performance in NYC and a Wolfknives with Wolfknives Models shindig at The Roosevelt, and he really does want to plan some sort of little event like the Cricket Match so he can hang with the fans. So far as the cricket match goes, he puts it on us, so start a tweeting and instagramming where and when there should be an Ellisfam Cricket Match!!!

Back from the first break Tully brings us some MMA News, and thankfully since there were no fights I didn’t have to listen to Kenda giggle incessantly about nothing for the entire time and get angry on behalf of intelligent females everywhere. And yeah, that’s a dig, and no I’m not saying that I think she’s not an intelligent person as I do not know her, but she really sounds like a moron and it grates on me. If she could stop the whole ‘giggle to begin and end every sentence and in response to anything said to her’ thing I’d get back on board, because when she first started calling in it never bothered me. It took a few weeks for it to build up and make me frown at the radio, but now I find her completely insufferable. Anywayyyyy….Kyle Kingsbury, who has retired from the UFC after being thrashed by Patrick Cummins in UFC12 has come out of the ayahuasca closet basically blaming his loss in that fight to his use of the plant medicine that Aubrey Marcus has informed us all of, but that it’s okay because it made him a happier person. Interesting angle for sure. There was also a bit in there about how he had been told by the UFC to keep the inner peace talk to himself because it made him sound crazy, but he’s talking about it now since he’s retired, and that’s cool. It’s good to be cool. Speaking of retired UFC guys, Tully plays a clip of an up and coming SpikeTV show called Gym Rescue featuring Randy Couture and Frank Shamrock and it sounds like there is a lot of yelling involved, and Ellis and Tully both think that it’s a show that they would like to watch and maybe even follow for Show purposes. Tully makes a comment about getting the duo on the show to talk up Gym Rescue and there is silence from the Green Room, so Ellis starts talking about how they should just get the number and maybe call them on air, because Ellis is sometimes also the producer of his own show. Ellis brings up that there may be assault charges of some form being brought about because of the fistfight between Daniel Cormier and Crazy Bones Jones at a publicity stop in Vegas for their upcoming actual sanctioned fight, but Tully pulls an ‘I don’t know’ because Ellis is getting his info from the people over at TMZ and they can’t always be trusted to not sensationalize things. Ellis also brings up that Holly Holm has signed on with the UFC and people are already calling for her to fight Ronda Rousey, but that’s kind of bullshit because she hasn’t had one UFC fight yet and shouldn’t immediately get thrown in for a title fight. Holly Holm, however, does seem to be the new lady talk of the town because she is a great striker and Ellis is sure to mention that he saw a video of her kicking an opponent in the face and then punching her while she was still down because she is an animal. There is some talk back and forth between Tully and Ellis about who is next to fight Rousey, and whether the Cyborg fight is gonna happen, and why the hell is Cat Zingano not definitely the next person that Ronda is fighting?

Onto some Hollywood News, Tully informs us that Marianne Faithfull (who boned Rod Stewart and Mick Jagger when she was hot and didn’t look like a penguin) has come forward in an interview to say that her ex-boyfriend sold Jim Morrison the heroin that killed him back in the day and that it was an accident. This, of course, can’t be substantiated as Morrison’s body was never autopsied. There seems to be talk around town of a Mike Tyson Biopic which will be starring Jamie Foxx and Ellis, at first, doesn’t seem too fond of the idea, but comes around once he realizes…what other actor could really play Tyson other than Jamie Foxx? Tyler Perry really isn’t big enough, although Wendy Williams could throw her hat in the ring because she’s fabulous. Speaking of Hollywood and Movies, Tully is excited to announce that Filmmaker Neil Bomkamp and Ninja and Yo-Landi Vi$$er of Die Antwood have finished filming a new movie called Chappie, because he is slightly in love with Yo-landi and he is sure that it will be his favorite movie of all time. Neil Blomkamp, for those of you who don’t know, is the man behind District 9 and Elysium (both movies that Ellis loved) and he’s kind of helping to put South Africa on the map in a good way. In other big H news, Sly Stallone is talking about extending the Expendables franchise to some new movies called the Expendabelles featuring females who have been prominent in action roles over the past however long, and Ellis is not all that pumped on that idea because Old Lady faces only tell sad stories. I mean, really, the short list for that movie has to be the shortest short list of all times, unless they are really going to expand their definition of female action hero. All I’m coming up with is the Terminator Chick and Alien Chick. As Hollywood Movies are going down the toilet anywhere, there are rumors in Hollywood that there is to be a third Ghostbusters movie featuring All Female Ghostbusters comprised of Hollywood Funny Women and…I’m all for girl power…but what…did the guys sign the Ghostbusters over to one of their daughters or something? How is that gonna work? Rounding out Hollywood News there is some talk about Terminator 5: Genisys which is the title and spelling that is making everyone on Twitter go insane because twitter needs to lose its shit on something new every 5 seconds, and Kanye West giving a deposition about some paparazzi fight where he walked about downed paparazzi drones possibly electrocuting his 1 year old daughter and sky-rocketing himself to the top of the list of contenders for The Dumbest Rich Person in the World.

Back from the break there is a guest…well…a guest and soon to be a couple more guests in the studio! The main guest is Amy Purdy, a pro-snowboarder, Para Olympian, who is also a motivational speaker and was first runner up on Dancing With The Stars. Earlier in the show Ellis had mentioned that she was going to be on the show and he was pumped on it because Devin really liked her and was a fan of her on DWTS and he and Tully looked up her Instagram and talked about how beautiful she was and the possibility that Daddy could be cool in Daddy’s eyes for 3 seconds because she is in the midst of a serious ‘My dad is not cool’ phase. But anyway, Amy Purdy is on the show and she is a straight up delight. I really enjoyed her time on the show. She talked about how she lost her legs at 19 due to Bacterial Meningitis along with both of her kidneys and her spleen, but was able to overcome it and turned to Snowboarding as a profession (she previously had only done it as a hobby) because after she lost her legs, she wanted to find a way to use her legs. Damn. She talked about how it was being on DWTS and how it was more challenging than she had even imagined because it was an intense 3 months where she danced for six hours a day and not only had to learn a new dance every week like the rest of the contestants, but had to go through the process of how to figure out which prosthetic legs would work for each of the dances. It was interesting to hear about how she coordinated not only with her dance partner, but with the company who produces her prosthetic legs and the doctor who fit them to get a pair of legs that would enable her to perform every dance. At one point during the interview Devin and Tiger showed up at the studio so Devin could meet Amy and tell Ellis on air that she was not impressed by him and didn’t love him. And that part really broke my heart. I mean…I understand how kids are and how they can be, but I never personally went through the whole ‘My dad is lame’ phase and I was basically crying to Hubbs about that for a second. Ellis rolled with the punches though, as he does (and also because he’s her father and he knows that she loves him) and continued the interview with kid interruptions like a champ. Amy talked about her future plans, including publishing a book with Harper Collins (who published Ellis’ books) which is already finished and was written in 6 weeks, how she has a clothing line with Element, and how she is going on tour with Oprah. THE Oprah. Ellis asked Amy if she was single and she told him that she wasn’t, but that her boyfriend Daniel was a big fan of the show and listened every single day. Hi Daniel!!!! Lucky guy, I’d say, because she really seems like a cool lady with a good head on her shoulders. I was definitely feeling very inspired by the end of the interview and advise anyone who feels like they had a bad day to listen to it On Demand. I’ve been in a teensy slump and listening to her was a swift kick in the bum…I mean…she was living a happy, normal life, thought she had the flu, went to the hospital and went into a friggin coma for 3 weeks, woke up and heard she had to have her legs amputated and some organs taken out and that she may still die…and she just kept going. She just kept going. And she turned her life into something fucking amazing. Great guest!!! I hope she comes back to watch Sting Pong and promote her book!!!

Back from the break, Tully talks about how there is a serious deficit of things they can talk about with the kids around and brings up some science myths that everyone believes but are untrue like people only using 10 percent of their brains and there being a dark side of the moon. They then get talking about an article he found about poop and thongs and women wearing thongs and g-strings and how maybe women shouldn’t since apparently most women walk around with shit stained strings up their bum at all times and Ellis is so not into the article, but they talk about it for way longer than they should anyway. Ellis and Tully are both part of the camp that believes g-strings have a purpose and shouldn’t be worn absolutely all of the time and women should invest in some undies. Nascar Mike calls the show to talk about a patent pending invention he has that velcro’s to g-strings to keep them from getting stained by bum juice because his wife has that problem and he doesn’t like her in ‘grannie panties’…and I just want to say, sorry Nascar Mike the big companies all already make panty liners for thongs and g-strings and just because it’s not a string up your ass doesn’t mean it’s a grannie pantie. Seriously. That pisses me off. I enjoy thongs a lot…Hubbs loves when I wear thongs…but I don’t exclusively wear them and I also do not own a single pair of grannie panties. Grannie panties are briefs for women. There are a whole range of other cuts that are not grannie panties. So if you’re a man who walks around saying there’s thongs and there’s granny panties…please crack the spine of a victoria’s secret catalogue and educate yourself.

Finishing up the show Ellis and Tully play a game with the guys of the green room- Will, Jetta, Cumtard, and HotDog, which is kind of a spin on 3 truths and a lie. Basically, a true statement is read from a sheet of paper and Ellis and Tully have 3 questions each to ask whichever of the Green Roomers they like to help figure out which of them the statement applies to. All four of the Green Roomers have to answer as though the statement applies to them and Ellis and Tully have to try and figure out which person the statement is about. I don’t know if there was an overall winner of this game between Ellis and Tully, but in my opinion, HotDog owned this game. Not only did we learn some things about him, but he completely managed to bamboozle Ellis to the point where Ellis thought everything was about HotDog but nothing was about HotDog and it was funny. HotDog walked away with a new catch phrase- ‘Loved It’, and Ellis learned a lot about Jetta. Here is what we learned during that game:
HotDog: threw a kid off of the jungle gym and broke his arm while trying to get to the slide, was suspended from school for mooning classes during finals, used to eat detention slips in front of the principal, and had his older brother Joey wipe his ass for years after he was potty trained
Cumtard: had a psychiatrist as a child who constantly asked him how often he masturbated and if he wanted to wrestle and when he finally admitted to masturbating- his DR. asked him if he ate it, was the Nephew in Law of Matthew Broderick, and saw ‘Look Who’s Talking’ 7 times in the theater because he was in love with Kirstie Allie.
Jetta: was barred from 8th grade graduation after being caught stealing a carnival prize by an undercover cop, took a cocktail of anti-anxiety meds before sneaking into a music festival, and played World of Warcraft for 3 years.
Will: Voiced a DJ in an x-rated video game called Bone Town.

After that there were final calls that weren’t very earth shattering, but the final final caller, or the ‘Don’t Die-er’ told a quick anecdote about how while he and his wife were trying to conceive their Doctor advised them to go to a sperm bank (which i’m guessing is for in-vitro) and when he and his wife went, his ex- whom his wife absolutely despised- was the technician there to accept his sample, so he had to jerk off into a cup and hand it to his ex, and have his wife be mad at him for something that he could not possibly control. Women…am i right?

Things we learned on TJES today:

Devin fractured her finger at Catalina

Ellis filmed a testimonial for Speed Weed last night and got paid in free weed

Tully likes going to shitty liquor stores

Old Man Sweat is cold because they’re basically half dead

It took $20 grand for Ellismania 3 to get green lit by The Hard Rock

Ellis ordered Skateboard stuff today and couldn’t remember what he needed

Coonan MaGrubey gets turned on by the scent of fear

Neverland Ranch is for sale

Jim Morrissey may have tried to have the head of his fan site killed

Visit CharityWatch.org to make sure the charity you give your money to actually does charitable things with your money

The Waltz was one of the hardest dances for Amy Purdy on DWTS because it involves a lot of ankle movement and she doesn’t have those

Amy Purdy is the founder of the Non-Profit Adaptive Active Sports

When Oprah called Amy Purdy she sing-songed “It’s Oprah”

Tiger is scared of being in the studio when he should be scared of being in the Green Room

The Flintstones are evil if you are religious

Ellis looked into HotDog’s soul and saw his ass

Dropping a penny off a building won’t kill a person, but a marble probably will

Katie is in the club and can’t get out cause she wiped Tiger’s butt

Tully’s son’s bff at daycare says goodbye to him, gives him a hi-five, and kisses him on the mouth

It’s a brave new world

 

 

That’s all I have for you folks!!! Except for that it’s after midnight and officially BroBro’s Birthday!!!!! Happy 31st you old man!!!!! I love you to itty bits!!!

Show Recap for Thursday 7/31/2014

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Well hello there loyal listeners and readers and what have you, it’s me, Jenny you’re favorite box owner who writes recaps for this wonderful site here to tell you all the important things that happened on Thursday’s show!!! Aren’t you excited? I’m excited!! I had a shitty day and I would much rather sit here and think about the funny stuff that goes on rather than dwell on stupid bullshit life stuff. Can we vote to get rid of all the stupid bullshit life stuff that goes on? Because that would be awesome. So would winning the lottery. I mean…I know money doesn’t buy happiness or anything and I’m not looking for it to, but life would basically be perfect if I didn’t have to worry about money all of the time. I’m complaining. That looks cute on no one.

Now for something that people actually care about, The Jason Ellis Show!!! Woooooo!! Jason opened up the show today talking about how he had a nightmare. A nightmare unlike any other mare of the night that he has previously had in the way that he was actually screaming in the land of waking reality and had to be shaken awake by his bedmate Katie because what the fuck was that all about? Ellis explains how he didn’t actually get to talk about it with Katie until the morning because the pull of sleep on him was so strong that he fell right back into dreamland, but they talked about it in the shower, because what the fuck. Ellis has never screamed because of his dreams before. He gives Tully (and therefore the rest of us the breakdown of his dream) and says that in his dreamnightmareland he was walking around in the woods at night and he felt the presence of something. That something was following him and he knew in his dream that he was feeling apprehensive but he kept walking. But the thing kept speeding up and so he kept speeding up until finally he was running, but the thing was faster and was so inhumanly fast that it zipped right by him. Ellis described it as a Black Alien Beastie thing. Eventually the thing got the jump on Ellis and Ellis prepared to fight it and threw a punch, but it was so fast that Ellis missed and then it was on his back and eating him and that’s when shit went to hell and Ellis started to scream and thrash about and was woken by the Underwear Wolf. Weird man. They talk for a while about what it could mean, or if it really means anything because Tully doesn’t seem to put all that much stock in the whole dream interpretation thing, saying that at night he thinks your brain just spins the proverbial Wheel of Doom and whatever it lands on is what plays behind your eyeballs. He talked about some weird, confusing dream he had where he was super tired and late for something but kept going back to sleep anyway but then trying to wake himself up in his dream he woke himself up in real life and wasn’t able to get back to sleep because the anxiety of being late to something in his dream followed him into the waking world and isn’t that just a bitch? I have suffered from night terrors since the time I was very young, I’ve been told it’s part of the whole abuse thing, but I honestly remember nightmares I had when I was three (which was 3 years before the abuse thing started) so I just think that some people’s brains are more wired to have some fucked up things happen once we lose consciousness and drop the reigns of our brains. There was a psychotherapist listening (Holy Shit!! A board certified smart person called the show, take that Jetta!) and he called the show and they talked about Near Sleep which is when a lot of vivid dreams can occur where you are more likely to thrash around and have physical reactions and screaming while dreaming because that whole gamma-aminobutyric acid shit that normally paralyzes us for sleep isn’t fully kicked in yet. Then a caller who has Narcolepsy called and told the guys about his weird dreams because he lives in a world of being constantly about to fall asleep.

The dream thing gets rolled into a bit of discussion about the upcoming Contract or non-Contract and apparently the future of The Jason Ellis Show and Ellistronics channel is a little more up in the air than he previously thought and things that may they had agreed to are now not so agreed upon and Ellis makes the declaration that if he doesn’t get his own channel and if he doesn’t get the other things in his contract that he wants than he isn’t going to be with SiriusXM anymore and that is just that. This whole contract talks makes me more nervous than it probably should, but I really enjoy having the security of there being a show that I follow and I fucking hate change and there is nothing that I can do that can change the situation with the show and that makes me edgy as fuck. But I’m kind of sure that everything will work out and Ellis will get his channel and everything will be okay because SiriusXM would be straight up stupid if they just wrote him and all of his success off…and I don’t think that they are really all that stupid. It sounds like we’ll know for sure by the end of next week, which is when Ellis’s current contract is up and it’s either the show moves forward and on to bigger and better things…or it goes off into the ether until it comes down in podcast land (probably).

Tully brings up a story that’s been making the internet rounds over the past couple of days involving a man and a woman and a leash. Sounds like something that would be right up Ellis and Katie’s naughty alley…but nah…the man and woman in the news story take it just a bit further than Ellis would be willing to. And why is that? Well, because the woman was walking her boyfriend around town on his hands and knees naked with an anal plug all…you know…up in his anus. In town. In front of people. The pictures that are associated with the news stories are from passersby. And the lady doesn’t get why everyone is so pissed off. It’s rather ridiculous. But Ellis and Tully roll with it and chitchat back and forth for a bit on why it offends them and what kinds of things would make it less offensive or if there is a place for it anywhere in the world outside of the home. Tully is offended by the whole shebang, he wouldn’t even be into seeing it if the guy were fully dressed because that’s just something you do inside your house and don’t let your neighbors in on. Ellis thinks that if he came across a woman walking a man around on a dog leash he would laugh, unless his kids were around, because it’s not cool for kids to see butt plugs. That’s right, kids should not see butt plugs. But Ellis also brings up the point that if they were fully clothed, he doesn’t think that his kids would think that it was anything more than two people who might be kinda crazy and were acting funny and they see tons of weird shit on the street on Sunset in LA all the time. Like that guy on a skateboard in short shorts with no shirt on and a huge boner. Ellis and Katie have seen that guy in all of his bonerific glory twice now. Tully says that if he were by himself or around other adults he would probably get a laugh but if anyone threw it out there that they should be arrested or that they should be stopped, he would agree with them, because there should probably be a law against that. There is a law against that. If the couple does get arrested…they could technically have to register as sex offenders depending on the level of complaint, and that’s something that follows you around for the rest of your life. And, oh god, if someone comes forward with their kid that saw this all go down…they are insta-pedos. Now, keep in mind that this couple was in their fifties…they should really have a little bit more sense. I’m all for doing what ever floats your boat (within the normal limits of no beastiality or pedophelia or killing people) but, you also gotta know that there’s a time and a place.

Back from the first break, Tully poses a question to the listeners- if the devil were to pop up and offer to make you a deal in exchange for your eternal soul, what would you trade your soul for? Ellis can’t really think of anything that he would trade his soul for at this point in life cause, you know, he’s basically achieved the things that have been on his list thus far and he has kids to think about before he goes and makes deals with the devil, and Tully can’t really come up with anything that he would trade his soul for either. But, the listeners, oh boy do the listeners come up with a wide range of things that they would sell their souls for- from being able to master the piano, to being able to master anything and everything, to being the ruler of the world, and being able to see the entire development of mankind from the dawn of time, and…it was pretty entertaining. Hubbs and I talked about if there was anything that we would trade our souls for if we come across the devil. And…nah. The thinking behind this is that I, being an atheist first and foremost don’t believe in either God or Satan and that kills it for me, but if Satan were to appear to me, Hubbs said then that would prove that God is real and therefore we would not do anything to spoil spending eternity in Heaven. I mean, when you get down to it…a few years on this mortal coil is nothing compared to an eternity and I would way rather spend an eternity in Heaven (even with all the gospel music and ass kissing that must go on up there) than spend an eternity in Hell. I’ve read lots of books…Hell sounds awesome in exactly zero of them. Especially after reading The Divine Comedie…there’s a whole logic to the setup of Hell, and if I’m being honest, the most tempting thing for me to trade my soul for would be for $100 Billion with the guarantee that I live to be like 90…but even that I wouldn’t reallllllly go for cause…do you know what my eternity in Hell would be? My eternity in Hell would be spent upside down ingesting Human sewage. Eternity. Ingesting sewage. Because of my greed. I don’t even like talking about poop. Could I spend an eternity inhaling it? Nope. So not worth it.

Back in the studio Joel and Benji Madden are here to hang out and talk with Ellis and Tully!!! They talk a lot about…everything. How Benji and Ellis are besties, how Joel finally let it be known that he was cool with Ellis and Ellis training with Benji for Benji’s fight and them punching each other a lot and yadda yadda yadda. Honestly, this whole part of the show was really hard for me to follow because they’re motherfucking twins and sound exactly the same to me and I was never a fan of Good Charlotte and don’t know their personality quirks enough to be like, “Oh that’s totally Joel” or “Of course Benji would say that” so my asshole recap of this is…they talked a lot about everything. One, or both of The Madden Bros tell Ellis how he was a huge influence for them and their new album and how this album is really something that they love and are proud of and worked hard for and it’s a different sound probably from what the fans are used to, but they’ve grown and all that noise. They talk a lot about Australia because Joel and Benji and Good Charlotte and basically like God in Australia and they are into rugby and I think it was Joel who hung out down there with Russell Crowe because he owns a rugby team and he said that Russell Crowe was really cool, which is funny because on Wednesday’s show Tully and Ellis were taking it out really hard on Russell Crowe and I laughed about that for a bit. They play a new song off their new Album called California Rain and I really liked it, but when I looked at Twitter everyone on twitter hated it. Whatever. I like terrible music, so I’m not really surprised about that. I mean…I fucking love Kesha too. Hate on it all you want. It wasn’t a bad song, I am musically inclined, I play guitar and can sing and shit and I can tell good music from bad music. I know it’s not along the lines of the kind of music a lot of Ellisfam listen to, but it was a good song. I’ll probably download that song, and maybe the rest of the album when it comes out. Hate on, haters. Maybe Ellis was kissing ass because it’s his bestie and his bestie’s twinnie, that’s what friends do, motherfucker.

After the song plays, Benji has made his exit, but Joel decides to stick around for a while and get to know Ellis a little bit more in his world and answer phone calls and talk to fans and talk about his life and his wife and his kids. He, as you may or may not know, is married to Nicole Richie, daughter to the famous Lionel Richie who is apparently the coolest father in law in the world. Nicole is someone that Ellis always feels awkward around and Joel says that she’s an intimidating person and Tully and Ellis joke that Joel is probably intimidated by her also. Joel talks a bit about how he and Benji left home once they were 18 to go to LA and get into the biz and how they left in the middle of the night and survived by making friends and couch surfing and being determined that if they stuck the path then they would succeed. A caller called and asked Joel if Nicole was into Anal and he got hung up on and congratulated for making it past HotDog, and then there was a super really enthusatstically big Good Charlotte fan who called and thanked Joel for basically changing his life and he was so happy and into it that I could not stop laughing but Joel said that it made his day.

And then the show ended because Ellis had to be out of there to go to that Globe thing with the surfer movie world premiere that HotDog was uninvited to.

Things we learned on The Jason Ellis Show Today:

Joel got a 73 on the punch pad

Benji re-punched the pad and did worse than his first time, so his 72 has an asterisk now

Tully literally dreams about being Nick Swardson’s protoge

Ellis wants people to leave sharks alone

Ellisfam souls are on sale for cheap for Satan

Benji is really close with Joel’s kids

Ellis punched Benji so hard in the head he went deaf for a day

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden keep their work lives seperate

Sparrow Madden loves Jacques Cousteau and he is 5

Joel Madden is scared of the ocean

Nicole Richie loves Katie (duh, who doesn’t?)

 

Show Recap for Thursday 7/24/2014

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Welcome to the Thursday recap of The Jason Ellis Show hosted by your favorite sexual degenerate- Jason Ellis. But, wait, is Ellis really a sexual degenerate? He’s starting to not like the whole degenerate part of the sexual degenerate thing because it would be cooler if he were called an irresponsible sex machine. But, no, he’s very responsible with his penis. Tully then points out that Ellis has a buncha new cuts on his arm for a sexual non-degenerate and he things Brian Callen from The Fighter and The Kid would take a blood load in the mouth from Ellis because that guy is seriously into Ellis’ sex life. Like, really really into it. And if he really is feeling frisky and wants to catch a blood load in the mouth from Big Daddy J then he should head to Palm Springs this weekend with Ellis and Katie cause they don’t have the kids and planned a nice weekend in Palm Springs with various sexcapades that would probably explode Brian Callen’s mind. Ellis mentions that there was a shit ton of traffic in LA this morning which everyone was blaming on the President, and Tully was only aware that there was traffic around LA because of all the people around him complaining about it while he was magically missing all of it because he is Tully and he knows al of the right turns to make. What he didn’t miss this morning was the jackass who rolled through a stop sign while he was texting on his phone and almost hit His car which held both him and his Little Dude as well as a roaming homeless man and his shopping cart with various hanging bags. And that would have sucked. Out of the three it would have sucked the most for the Little Dude, with Tully coming up second, and the homeless guy bringing it up in last place because, let’s face it- he’s homeless and babies and radio co-hosts rate way higher than homeless people. It’s funny cause when Tully and Ellis we’re talking about it it didn’t seem so bad, but typing out that sentence just made me feel like a terrible human being. Tully then asks Ellis if he didn’t have the radio show and the kids if he would move out of LA to a place like Temeculah and Ellis is super pumped on that idea. He would love to live somewhere a little more out of the wa where he could have a Moto track in his backyard and a really cool pool with a waterfall, but Tully would rather stay in LA because he likes living in a  big city where 50% of the water gets brought in from other cities and states for the purpose of watering the grass that would never otherwise grow there.

Ellis then brings up that people on Instagram are getting down on him for talking about his new straight razor and are trying to say that he is only talking about it and pumped on it because he got it for free and he’s a sell out. Well, guess what, you’re wrong you hating motherfuckers because Ellis is only ever going to talk about the shit that he’s into regardless if wether or not it gets sent to him or he buys it so you can all go right ahead and shut the fuck up and choke on your own dicks, you wankers. All the real fans of the show know that the only time Ellis will really sell out is if it’s for an Energy Drink sponsor. Hahahaha. At this point Jetta comes into the studio and Ellis asks him what’s wrong to which Jetta replies, “nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” Which we all know to be the evil female answer equivalent of ‘I am so not fine and everything is wrong, but if you don’t really know why I’m not fine then I hate you and I’m certainly not telling you’ so Ellis and Tully grill him for a bit and it turns out than other than being a little tired and possibly kind of high he really is just ‘doing fine’. He also really loves his pet mouse who he gives kisses to, he can’t cook, doesn’t have any live plants and thinks camping is awesome. Jetta gets jettisoned back to the green room after being told that he should try snorting meth and Tully comes out with a story about how when he was just a young thing hanging out with The Backbone he accidentally snorted meth because he and his friends were trying to buy cocaine. About a half an hour after snorting the meth is when they got suspicious since he and his buddies weren’t feeling like they wanted more coke, so instead they decided to smoke it, and Cullen wound up going to sleep behind the couch after seeing smurfs. Lesson- you will know in a jiff if meth is good for you or not.

Insane Clown Posse and Kid Rock are in the news as Kid Rock is being subpoenaed for a glass dildo he received from ICP. But the real story here is that apparently ICP is all about God lately and they are saying that they tricked all their juggalo followers because they have ALWAYS been all about God. Tully is calling bullshit on the whole thing saying that they are just trying to revamp their image after the FBI classified them as a gang hate group thing, but the ‘haha we love God’ angle makes him love them again. In other non famous people related news a drunk guy in Florida got all road rage-y and ran himself over with his own car….cause Florida is awesome. Also, around this time there was a girl caller who was a Cam Girl named Eva_BlissXxX who liked putting hot sauce in her asshole and Ellis got all excited over her and I began to roll my eyes because she sounded like a complete moron or Jillian from Family Guy and I felt bad about being a female for the first time ever in my TJES listening experience. She popped back up a couple times throughout the show and it literally made me want to turn the show off..that’s how bad this bitch got to me. Whatevs.

Back from the first break Justin the Barber is in the studio to give Hotdog the Intern a shave and a haircut cause Hotdog is going places in life and he needs to start looking up to the job. Everyone loves Hotdog, because he is the Hotdog and he is awesome and has a giant horsecock and is in to ass and shit play and he’s gonn start banging pornstars, so Ellis has decided that he needs a beard trim, a side part, and some collared shirts to help him along his way. While Hotdog is being worked on Tully shares with us some Hollywood News involving Paul Hogan (I was in love with Crocodile Dundee as a child) and how after divorcing from his wife he is going to pay her a lump sum of $5.775 million. But that’s okay because Paul Hogan is probably pretty set, and if he isn’t then he can always go back to Australia and bring back the Paul Hogan Comedy Hour because that was the funniest show ever in Australia. Robert Downey JR is the highest paid actor in Hollywood for the second year in a row even though he didn’t make a movie in the past year, with The Rock coming up second officially securing his place as a Hollywood Superstar. Bert Reynolds and Lonnie Anderson are divorced but are going back to court because Reynolds has owed Anderson $230 thousand fe the past 20 years…Red Dragons motherfucker.

Back from the break Hotdogs’s look is revealed and he looks really good, so good that he has gained Tully’s respect as a human being. The picture of the reveal is on Jetta’s Instagram @radiojetta if you wanna see for yourself the hot hunka Hotdog that Justin the Barber turned out. Next on the chopping block for a new ‘do is Wilson Pendarvis whom Ellis forbids to have another faux hawk with there then being a fight I’ve wether or not Will currently rocks a faux hawk or not. Tully chimes in on the subject and it is included that Will has a faux hawk that he is in deep denial about and he proceeds to have Justin give him another spikey faux hawk thing that Wull claims is not a faux hawk.

Time for that segment that we all know and love to hate- Unsigned Bands!!! I don’t actually hate the segment, that was just a line…but for the most part I’m never really left wondering, “why oh why has a label not jumped all over those various bands?” If you catch my drift. For this gi around Tully decided to separate and okay the bands according to genre so we were treated to various artists in the genres of Canadian HipHop Reggae, HipHop, Rock/Rap, and good old Rock and Roll. Most of the bands were atrocious, one of the HipHop songs wasn’t too bad until the guy ruined it by opening his mouth, and one of the rock bands was a straight up rip off of Slipknot and the guys were pretty sold on the fact that even Corey Taylor can’t get away with ripping off that sound these days. The winner of a week of air play on Faction during the show was a band called Rulers of the Night with a song called Skuzz and I’m pretty sure they only lyrics were ‘Fuck You’ and ‘Skuzz’ cause why the fuck not?

Tully brought up a news story about a four year old and his mom getting kicked out of a donut shop in Connecticut after the four year old asked an overweight lady if she was pregnant and the world had officially taken things way too far. I mean, seriously? Even the fat lady was alright with the kid asking her if she were pregnant!!! Ellis is right, kids call them like they see them and he saw a lady he thought was pregnant and he asked about it. He’s four. It wasn’t malicious. Get over yourself donut shop manager, you are taking it too far. Ellis talked about how he picked Tiger up from camp and the other little kids there startedtaljing to him about his tattoos and were thoroughly impressed that the big knot in the back of his head was a result of him cracking his skull. He really liked that the kids were cool with him and he was cool with the kids and if inly adults could be as open minded as kids. We were all kids once, right? Well..I don’t know if Will was ever one..he seems like the kind of person who has bee a grown up sincere popped out of his mom.

Wrapping up the show Ellis decides that Tyler Posey is no longer in the band and takes up the reigns of the keytar himself and makes some cool sounds before deciding that they would be Erin better off with a hot chick as the keytarist. There’s also a lot of talk about the  new channel and the possible names for a new channel, even though a couple of minutes into it Ellis says it already has a name and no other name has come along so great that he has thought of changing it. They take calls and read tweets for show ideas and it seems like Cumtard may really get a show where he and a bunch of other gross dudes fart and shit in each other’s faces a lot and I listen to it and lose ten pounds in ten minutes from projectile vomiting. Dingo may have a den, Tully may play some sweet Hair Metal, and maybe we’ll get a Rude Awakening with Rude Jude morning show!!!!!

 

thats all I got folks!!! Have a great weekend!!!!

Show Recap for Thursday 7/17/2014

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You’re listening to The Jason Ellis Show, and it’s Thursday, and you’re reading this which means that you probably didn’t listen to the show and it may not even be Thursday anymore!!! So welcome to your regularly scheduled Thursday recap by the most wonderful female from this website!!! The competition tis stiff, but week after week, I manage to be the best titty toting vagina having writer on here. And yeah…I make that joke almost every week that my truck doesn’t explode..but who cares!!! I have a vagina and boobies and they are wonderful!!!

Ellis starts off the show talking about food and wondering if it tastes better now and if that is the reason that there are so many fat people nowadays. Tully is quick to confirm that, yeah, food sure does taste a lot better now than it probably ever use to but it’s probably not the reason that everyone is fat now. Everyone is fat now because we live in a society of excess where all of the work that we do is not very physical and the people who are doing a lot of the physical work don’t have the means to indulge in the excesses like the rest of us. Tully didn’t say that last bit, but you never would have known that if I hadn’t said anything…so…whatever. They then start talking about the store Air One which was Whole Foods before Whole Foods existed and, if you’re like me and have never seen or been in an Air One imagine the place that Whole Foods would be if it were run by your mom and there were no cakes that had any sort of gluten or sugar or eggs in them. Ellis says that he feels like the gluten free market is really stepping up in their game because a lot of the foods and snacks and desserts at Air One are so good it feels like he’s cheating without cheating…and to people like me who have a cheat day once a week, tat sounds fucking amazing.

Then there is some commotion that goes on outside that the guys can hear inside of the studio and they are thrown off for a few minutes because Tully mentions that he saw two trucks from In&Out Burger at the building next door because it is apparently party day next door and that’s must be where the outside noise is coming from. This leads to discussion about the land outside the studio in general where we have all heard that there is a great view of the Hollywood Sign that…bumbumbum…anyone in the studio can’t see because there is a wall in the way and why doesn’t someone put in a motherfucking window? Tully has the answer good and ready because Tully is kind of like the google of the studio whe the listeners aren’t called to action and informs Tully that to put a window into the wall of the building that is already made of glass it would be two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Insanity. Ellis could hand that shit with a side grinder. Boom. Done.

Around here is where there is some unfortunate drama regarding Cumtard, that girl that flew to LA to bang him, and whatever happened on and after their date last night. It reminded me of the whole Rawdog thing and it got a little edgy and the for some reason Tully decided to take the blame for it, which Ellis didn’t even acknowledge, but it’s one of those things where Ellis got all bummed and angry over someone trying to tell him what he can and can not say on his show. Cumtard was quick to try and mollify the whole thing and say that it’s not him who cares, it’s the girl, but that didn’t really make anything any better and after a few minutes of back and forth and yelling about the whole thing Tully took the reigns and ended it with, “let’s move on”. Thank goodness for that guy. They move on to some talking about Will quitting smoking and how Will doesn’t know the date and he should really figure out what day it was because it’s a big deal and a day that should be remembered. Both @crackerstacker and myself answered the non call and tweeted the show the date because we are awesome, and yeah, you beat me to the punch, buddy, my boobs got in the way. They talked for a bit about vaping and a package they received from Pied Piper Vape Pens, which they were pumped about and the talk of weed spurned them to talking about other kind of drugs and how they should do a show on crack and a show on ecstacy. Or a podcast if they, for some reason, encounter a problem doing drugs in the studio. They talk about how neither of them have ever had a bad experience on ecstacy and it seems likes a reasonably okay drug to dabble in.

Ellis mentions that his thumb hurts as Tully reminisces of the back in the day when he and Cullen were young and invincible and Cullen had a full head of hair and they were on the band scene because Ellis held hard onto the Ultimate Powerchord while he was writing a song and jamming with Katie in their band that is not yet good enough to have a name. Ellis talks about how their band will never really have the kind of band or talent to make a bunch of really good songs, but he truly believes try have it in them to make one really good song filled with Barbaric Brutal Riffs and Tully likens it to being able to find the best item of clothing in a thrift shop. But really, we all know that Ellis is going to be saving his very best for the emergence of HorseForce where Tully is looking forward to Ellis writing the center part of a spiderweb of riffs that he and Christian can build on creating a full spiderweb of wonderful HorseForce music filled with Barbaric Brutal Riffs and they will all go down in history as being a part of the funniest most metal band of all time.

Will gets called back into the studio for some Wolfknives names after he gets off his conference call, not cigarette break, with some dude who’s name I genuinely forget but who runs the My SXM for the phone app and website where you customize your SXM listening experience. The app that I just mentioned is also where you can find The Jason Ellis Channel and never have to feel like you can’t listen to this glorious man talk 24 hours a day. As for the few new members of the Wolfknives….welcome The Toe Cuttah, Pre Cum, The Asian Cajun, Jesus Fucking Christ, Bus Penguin, Michael Felch, and Nobody’s Listenin!!!!

Back from the first break it’s time for some MMA news that I mostly listened to but was driving and took no notes!!!! Apparently everyone got knocked out in their fights and there is no disguising ‘I just for kicked right in the liver’ pain and the kicks that these new guys are throwing these days are new kicks and not the kicks of yesteryear. Tully made fun if one I the Brazilian fighters who had his own name tattooed across his back and Ellis confirmed that Brazilians do indeed have the worst tattoos ever. Chris Weidman, the current champ who’s body broke Anderson Silva’s leg wants his next fight to be with Vitor Belfor and Dana White has said that he would like to see that happen. But..how could that happen when Belfor is all on roids and there’s none of that or TRT in UFC anymore?!?! Ellis su she would have to roid his face off for a while and then get off them long enough to pee in a cup and have it come out clean. Ronda Rousey is also in the news saying that she wants to be the female version of the Rock after her fighting career is over because there is no real female action hero out there and Ellis and Tully are both pretty alright about that. Speaking of The Rock, Tully brings up the forthcoming Hercules (which Ellis thinks is going to suck unless you’re under 12) in regards to an article he read about what Dwayne Johnson’s 7 meals a day diet consisted I for filming. Let’s just say that dude was eating filet mignon twice a day, broccoli, asparagus, and egg whites to the extent that he probably killed several makeup artists over the course of filming by the power of his farts alone. Yuck. They then watch a video of the worst choir of all time which features a bunch of really old people singing today’s hits in what I think I supposed to be three part harmony, but they are so bad that I really am not sure, and Tully concludes that these are the type of old people who were never ever cool. When Ellis gets old he plans on playing pool…he will not be singing in a choir.

Back from the second break it’s halftime so be sure to check whatever balls you have for cancer and remember to not be a patron at any restaurant that serves shark fin soup because it can kill both you and the environment and that looks good on no one.

Joining Ellis and Tully in the studio are Mike Catherwood and his lovely wife Bianca who are there for some good old fashioned marriage counseling from Big Daddy J who Dr. Drew has convinced he is also a doctor. This whole idea came about, for those of you who don’t remember, after Mike and Bianca came to the Gokarting race and Ellis sensed that shit was all kinds of amiss. They get started talking about using natural deodorant and toothpaste, which Tully admits he is also currently using, but eventually they get around to talking about their couple problems which really seems to center around Mike and intimacy issues that he developed after things that happened while he was growing up. Ellis diagnoses that Mike needs more authority and power in the relationship and suggests that the way to accomplish this is for Bianca to kiss Foxxy while Mike grabs her penis (at which point Foxxy enters the studio) and Bianca is all ‘ummmmmm…..no’. The whole kissing, knob holding winds up never happening, but they all do get some real talk in there. Apparently the biggest issue that they are working on is Mike’s complete inability to initiate sex with his wife. Like, ever. Again, this goes back to an intimacy issue and fear of rejection, but Bianca told him that she didn’t want to initiate all of the time, especially after she had the baby. Mike also received tips from Ellis, Tully, and Foxxy on how to be more romantic and loving to his wife in the bedroom and how to slow things down since he admits that he only has one pump speed and that is ‘full speed ahead’. Bianca starts telling a little story about how the most sexually romantic Mike has ever been was when he was giving here a perineal massage in preparation if the home birth of their baby and I had an ‘aw’ ready to burst out of my mouth but Mike ruined it by making a joke about gaping cause, well, remember this intimacy issues? Well…cause of that. He also managed to make an analog of his sex life with his wife to a game of pickup basketball in Venice Beach. Sigh.

During that time there was also some talk about what Ellis would be like as like as a 65 year old if he sex drive stays as high as it is now and they all cultivated a truly spectacular image of Ellis ‘The Cockodile’ with a croc tattooed on his dick and Katie being the Cockodile Hunter (the only one who can tame the beast) and the women that wound encounter the predator and the possible ensuing exploits…and all I can keep thinking about that is I would actually pay money to see Katie dressed up in a sexy Croc Hunter outfit giggling her way through doing an Australian accent saying ridiculous things about The Cockodile.

Back from the final break Tully and Ellis want to to talk about sexual fantasies and who out there has some good ones! Ellis, as we all know, is pretty determined to have a tensome, Tully wants to bang Yolandi from Die Antwood because he’s kind of in love with her in a way that makes me go ‘awwwww’, and Foxxy wants to be a part of a gangbang and now, she doesn’t want any other ladies around- she wants it all about her!! Hell yeah Foxxy!!! There are a lot of calls from listeners with everything from ‘I wish my wife would blow me and swallow my load and enjoy it’ to ‘I want to be gang raped by smurfs’ and ‘I want to have sex with a girl or guy in a horse costume because I love My Little Pony’ and ‘I want to be raped by a mermaid’. Ellis sent a tee shirt to a guy who called in and said he wanted his girlfriend’s (imaginary) girlfriend to titty fuck his cock with his girlfriends tits- which is complicated to say, but damn that sure is some next level titty fucking!! I’ve been trying to think of my sexual fantasy…but….it’s not that I don’t have any…but it’s actually all stuff I’ve already done and that me and Hubbs haven’t had the opportunity to do lately. I almost got some rooftop fucking today…but of course everyone seemed to be around the college campus we were at for a good part of the afternoon in the middle of the goddamn summer!!!!! Ugh!!!!!

ps…sorry for the lack of links!!! I’m writing this on my iPhone cause we are still at work and it does not let me put them in on my phone even the button is right fricking there!!!! I decided to do this from my phone because I have no idea what time we’ll actually be getting home tonight and I wanted to get it posted before, you know, the recap for tomorrow was posted. And I wanna have sex when we get home…a lot of it…cause we didn’t get to have sex on a roof today and that’s a goddamn tragedy!!!