You may be high, you may be low, you may be bitch or you may be a ho. Whatever the case may be, welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of the Jason Ellis Show where you get about half way through and wonder whether or not this asshole actually listened to the show. Truth be told, I only catch bits and pieces when I’m driving your mom between the used needle depository, KFC and Sam Reuben’s house. And yes, I just called your mom a fat junkie who bangs a sloppy windbag. Moving on!

Do frogs recognize their reflection? Probably not, they are fucking frogs. They don’t understand life and shit like we do. Which Jason and the guys spun off into when that chimp ate the old dude’s balls after they gave him a cake. (Which is coincidentally blah blah blah your mom. You knew that was coming, we all did.) The conversation was basically that the chimp didn’t understand they were giving him a cake because he’s a fucking animal and he ate the dude’s balls because he could and that’s metal as fuck. Of course, whenever chimps eating people’s faces come up on the show Jason has to point out how he would destroy a chimp one on one. But hey, this is also the guy who says he can eat 40 Krispy Kremes so take it easy.

Mike Cechnicki of The Jingleberries dropped by the show this morning. Why the fuck was this dude in LA you ask? Oh, just dropping by to see Brian Cullen while he was in town. But wait, doesn’t Cechnicki live in New York? No, he actually only lives a couple of hours away, he just hates everybody on the show so he doesn’t come by ever. Just kidding, but he did come in swinging making fun of the way Ellis wears his hat and telling him his style is going out of style. He was wearing Affliction as he said these words though, so he really has no room to talk wearing those used cum rags. But thanks for coming by, you fuck.

If you haven’t heard by now, Ellis is getting his own channel! And even more news on that, it starts TONIGHT! At 9PM Pacific channel 713. As a SiriusXM subscriber you might say “Wait a god damn minute here, my radio doesn’t go to 713!” Well that’s because it will be exclusively on internet radio, for now. Sort of disappointing, but Ellis thinks that once the channel explodes on the internet, it will persuade Sirius even further to put it on the regular stations. Which makes sense, because the OnDemand feature getting so much support probably led to 713 getting put on.

In Doggie news, some media corporation is putting a channel on their rotation exclusively FOR dogs. Yes, TV for dogs to sit and stare at it. But they totally fucked it up, because some of the programming is just videos of people playing fetch with dogs. Tully hit it right on the head where they entire show could’ve been his face on a loop saying “who’s a good boy? YOU’RE A GOOD BOY!” over and over. Also, a paraplegic took in a stray dog and the dog ate his nuts off, and he didn’t feel a thing. (Much like blah blah blah when your mom blows me mehhhh)

Ellis wanted to try out being a sports announcer, so they cued up some videos of Boxing, MMA and Little League baseball. It was pretty funny hearing him and expert sports analyst Rawdog try calling a fight while bantering and bickering with each other along the way. It was funny, but in no way professional and Ellis may not be that good at it. That could probably be because play by play commentating is actually harder than it looks. That and screaming, “HEY I KNOW THAT GUY!!” is not a good style. But he could be the hype man next to the corner man dropping “YEAH!” and “OK!” a la L’il Jon.

Some bitches out there be kind of smelly. Thus began the search for a really hot chick who smells like poo. A guy called in to say there was a really hot chick at his gym who is fit and super pretty but she sort of smells like poo. Which morphed into a conversation about what it would take for you to not sleep with a totally hot chick. Like if a girl was perfect in every single way, but she had a horn(I’d hit it). Or if she was blue(I’d hit it). Or if she was a little chubby(Deal breaker. I’m very shallow). What if a chick was perfect in every facet of life, but she was a serial killer. And every now and then she had to go out late at night satiate her blood lust by strangling a homeless person with the belt her dad used to beat her with. (I’d marry her)

A guy called in not sure whether or not to sleep with a girl he really likes who has herpes. But fuck it man, Herpes doesn’t do anything so just fucking fuck her and get herpes you fucking pussy.

This crazy bitch stole some motherfucking rhubard. Something about her picking rhubarb out of her neighbors garden that was growing out of her fence. This invited a cop from a small town in Kentucky to call in and say that he had a similar incident in his little town. While they had him on the line, Tully asked him if he ever intentionally fucked with out of towners driving through, and he said oh fuck yeah. His defense was fucking priceless though: “I’m bored!” Red Dragons to that motherfucker!

Tom Green is fucking Kat Von D, see you next Wednesday, knuckle draggers. 713 motherfuckers! Fuck Free World! 713!

Welcome to the Wednesday recap where you aren’t entirely sure if the guy writing it listened to the show at all. Well let me answer that question for you: I did. But memory is a funny thing, and I wrote some notes but by the time I get to doing this once that whiny little shit machine goes to sleep, I’m not entirely sure what “Shit about poop” means entirely. So suck my balls, reader. Speaking of balls, let’s keep this thing moving because balls never stop moving just like sharks which makes your balls like sharks which means you have shark balls which is weird because sharks don’t have balls and balls shark balls balls shark. Ellis is moving just like shark like balls in the gym and says he knows he is going to bitch slap Gay Brewdigger at Ellismania whatever number it is now on Oct. 12th in Las Vegas. I tend to agree because it was such a one sided affair the first time, it would make sense that the Gay Brew Digger will probably go out again. You know who didn’t get knocked out? Michael Bisping at Ellis’ gym that they talked about yesterday or Monday or something like that. Big ole’ rumor on that one.

Ellis is all about the Dri-Fit Nike stuff now because it keeps the gym from looking like a mermaid waddled through it by getting rid of the sweat somehow. Tully commented that Dri-fit stuff was probably a NASA mistake; that someone was working on something else and ended up with Dri-fit which is alright for sweaty people at the gym who want clothes to smell like they just came out of your ass when you pull them out of the laundry. YOU HEAR ME NIKE/UNDER ARMOUR? Make me spandex underwear that has a built-in air freshener and then we’ll talk! This all sparked a heated debate on what sweat actually is. Rawdog correctly pointed out that sweat is your body’s natural way of cooling the body down when it is put through strenuous activity. But Rawdog is wrong a lot so Tully and Jason were like, “Nah.”  So Rawdog pulled up Wikipedia and read it directly off of their and Tully was like “That just doesn’t sound right.” Then a couple listeners called in to more specifically explain just how right Rawdog was with scientific terms, and Tully admitted he actually really sucks at science and it was never easy for him. Fair enough. Finally, J2 called in to explain the importance of sweating from the perspective of someone who can’t sweat and it let the whole show move on. I have to admit it was kind of weird listening to the show when Josh was right about something in an argument, so I totally get why they would be suspicious of anything that little dude says. By the way check out J2RollsOn.com if you want to see a story about a badass dude who completely embodies the “Harden the fuck up” philosophy of life. Also check out this one here too.

This dude played a prank on his wife where he made a little doll that he hooked up to his TV while his wife was sleeping to loosely reenact The Ring. The sheer terror in her voice is priceless and erotic and I learned a little about myself in the process. This brought Ellis to ponder on ways he could use the ‘How Much’ app to get people to pay him money to scare the shit out of Rawdog. Like running into his room late at night with his whole head painted and scaring the shit out of him. Tully wants to go for the long con and send him menacing pictures for a few weeks before the attack to really get him on edge. I think they should send him a series of love letters from a secret admirer for weeks and have them get increasingly sexually aggressive with each one. Top all of this off with a good old fashioned kidnapping and strap him to Donald Schultz as he does his extreme falling.

Vietnam had Jimi Hendrix, Creedence Clearwater and The Rolling Stones. What will the future movies about our current war have as a backing soundtrack? Will it be Skillet? Or Five Finger Death Punch? Maybe Gangnam Style dude? Main point here: This war just got a little shittier, because now future veterans will have to endure that Five Finger Death Punch song where he is all “DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT ME HERBUGGER JERR!” And that’s just not fair guys.

Kid Rock has a pretty entertaining Twitter where he just quotes himself over and over and gives himself credit. Except he probably doesn’t run it because it’s mostly promo stuff, but it’s a hell of a lot funnier if you go into it thinking it’s him, which provided a lot of laughs on the show today spawning a new gag where you say something stupid and then quote yourself. The ultimate quote heard today was “Avoid dying whenever you can”- Jason Ellis. Wise motherfucking words, and I think that may be a new fucking tattoo at some point. They could have saved time writing the entire bible if they had just came up with that fucking line.

I was going to bring this up earlier when I brought up ‘How Much” app, and then again when I brought up Ellis fighting but I just completely forgot about it. Ellis bet Tully he couldn’t land a punch to his face in 45 seconds because of Ellis’ superior bobbing and weaving. Well, they did play out the bet and Tully punched Ellis in the face multiple times and proved he hasn’t become a complete washout in the last year and a half of being a dad. I was glad to hear Tully get a win, it sure sounded like he needed one after he failed Rawdog’s Onnit challenge.

The guys did  a lot of playing around with the Shannon The Animal Shenanigans Gunnz Gunnz workout audio mixed with McGruber and Rawdog’s Mel Gibson and Tully’s Bane. But to be honest with you, I’m tired as hell and I have to go to bed pretty soon so I am starting to give less shits as I type on, so I bid all 4 of you good night/good day.

“Let’s be clear: I don’t shit to help myself masturbate, I masturbate to help myself shit” – Crackerstacker.

Evening, Mongrels! Welcome, once again, to the Wednesday re-cap of the Jason Ellis Show, we aren’t getting any younger so let’s talk radio. Speaking of getting older, you gotta get your ass out in the world and do some shit to better your life so that you don’t end up an old, fat, broken lump of a human riding around a grocery store on a rascal scooter asking the guy (Who is clearly busy with other shit) to get the last can of pork flavored fudge off the top shelf. There are tons of things in this world for you to make yourself less disgusting such as: exercising, eating better and of course riding a fucking bicycle. Yep, we are still on Rawdog about not riding a bike. I haven’t been listening to the show as much lately but I gather that his girlfriend is getting him closer to riding a bike or something, making her far more effective than Ellis has ever been. This further proves the theory that if Jason had a vagina, Josh would probably be tearing up the BMX course on X-Games.

It’s as easy as this, folks.

Ellis went for a stroll in the park and did some good old fashioned people watching where he saw a big fat dude sprinting, and a bunch of people doing Crossfit in the grass while looking at their phones. Which sparked the conversation of just how many people just stand around looking at their phones on a day to day basis and how lame it is. I’ll admit, I’m guilty of this. I’ll walk right over a choking grandmother in the street if I’m on a roll in Candy Crush. The conversation moved into what the kids are listening to these days and apparently the big 3 rock bands out right now are The Black Keys, Mumford and Sons and Skillet. Black Keys are pretty fucking dope IMO, I’ve bobbed my head to that one Mumford and Sons song but Skillet needs to be crucified immediately.

Rawdog’s girlfriend got Jason a shirt saying something about being part wolf and a slingshot with a wolf on it. So now he has a sweet shirt to wear while he shoots shit at Josh from across the room when he doesn’t feel like hitting him with the dick punch machine. Remember when we were talking about exercising and doing something with your life? Well, Rawdog is on the second to last day of his Onnit challenge. So naturally, a bunch of people called in asking vague questions like “I’m 21 and I’m fat, what should I do?” and “I like drinking beer, but should I smoke weed to lose weight?”. Yeah, we had some real winners today, proving the show really needs a call screener. Oh yeah, speaking of fat people Mexico is now the fattest country in the world. Apparently cooking your rice in lard makes it fatty, who the fuck knew? Ellis brought up that he doesn’t trust chicken because he doesn’t know how to cook it. Donald Schultz (Oh yeah, Schultz came on the show!) started blabbing on about free range fried chicken or something and I kind of drifted out while I was trying to keep an 8-month-old baby from sucking on a light socket.

Remember when I mentioned Donald Schultz was on the show? He totally was! And the guys wanted to see just how racist he really is, so they put his bigotry to the test. They asked him  a series of questions and in each he had to guess what race he thought would be the answer. As is a racist’s natural instinct, Schultz answered the questions so that he wouldn’t seem racist, but the guys totally sniffed the Hitler out of him. In related news, as the questions were being asked I found out that I, myself, have an aggressive streak of racism in me and I will be seeking professional help soon. Just as soon as they clean up all those ethnic areas around the psychiatrists office and my Jew accountant finds me some money to make it happen.

Kratom is a drug that is fucking awesome according to Schultz, and everyone should go out and do a shitload of it so we can all be fucking sweet as hell. And it’s legal, so fuck the police! We getting high as shit! Woo! Ellis is still a bit peeved about his loss to the 40 donut challenge and is still wanking on about how the ones he had the first time were like loaves of bread and he could totally do it if they were Krispy Kremes. So the gauntlet has been laid, and Ellis will be attempting to eat 40 Krispy Kremes in an hour, without vomiting. I am going to make my prediction here and say he is going to fail miserably. He only got through 7 of the mega size ones, and I hardly think the ratio of the big ones to Krispy Kremes is 7:40. But hey, it’ll be good radio, so Go champ! Go!

We got to hear the sweeping romantic tale of how Tully decided his wife was “The One.” today and it sort of made my heart melt. You see, Tully is the kind of guy that knows that even if you like a girl you can’t always trust that you won’t hate her family. And then while him and his wife were dating, she asked if they wanted to go to Japan and meet her family, so he was like “Fuck it, I’ve never been to Japan.” And then when he got there he found out he didn’t hate her family! And he didn’t hate her either, so BOOM! Marriage.

Devon (Ellis’ Daughter) got onto the wifi with her phone and Googled her dad and found a whole bunch of shit about the show and the debauchery that goes with it. So naturally, the next thing she Googled was “Sex.” And now Jason has to have a conversation with her about sex and what he does for a living and the whole thing sounds like it could be an awful confession. But, it has to happen because she was going to find out eventually and hse is going to have it sort of hanging over her head for her whole life that her Dad is this sort of crazy, demonic fiend of a radio host who has a legion of even crazier, demonic fiends rooting him on every day. It sort of reminds me of the first time I learned about sex. You see, I was going door to door selling magazines for my middle school football team. I walked up to this house and knocked on the door and this sort of sweaty old man answered in his bathrobe. He said he wanted to buy a subscription for Sports Illustrated for Kids and offered me some chocolate milk while he looked for his checkbook. I woke up 8 hours later in the woods outside of town with a plastic bag over my head and bruises on my ass. I guess we all learn in different ways, but the important thing is that we take the lessons to heart. Good Night!

Good evening, shitbirds. Welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of The Jason Ellis Show, let’s shave some hair and call it a party. If you start growing chest/back/foot/penis hair you need to make a commitment to either shave it all the time, or let it get full and bushy and start buying fake gold chains to nestle into your chest nest. Shannon Gunnz was filling in the Rawdog chair today, because Rawdog woke up today with a little tickle in his throat, so he used a sick day because getting kicked off the show twice in less than 7 days would probably be a little too demoralizing for the Dog. Ellis said he thought Josh was trying to avoid some recent drama about Ellismania videos not getting uploaded. Josh said he sent them, the chick at Ellismania said she didn’t get them and Ellis was playing middle man going back and forth and he eventually decided he just didn’t give a shit though. I don’t know if one of the four of you who read this watch NBA, but the finals are on right now and the Heat won last night when Lebron went sick-cunt and lit up the court. He even lost his headband, and when they tried to give it back to him he was like “Nah mate, I’m goin sick ya cunts.” True story. Anyway, I bring this up because Tully really hates the Heat and Lebron and got really bitter after they won and had a little trouble sleeping. I don’t watch basketball, I don’t care. But still, I do enjoy when there is a bandwagon of hate (However legitimate that hate is) against a team and that team continues to win. My Facebook gets hilarious when Lebron wins, I love watching those people feel misery.

Speaking of Misery, as you know, Gunnz DJ’s for both Faction and Octane, and Octane plays some serious cookie cutter butt rock. Like Halestorm. And Gunnz loves them, so they played a little bit of their song “I miss the misery” and Ellis and Tully beat the piss out of it like they do which was great. Paula Deen says the N-Word, which is probably why she makes such damn good fried chicken. That’s authentic southern home cookin’ talkin’ right there. In fact, if you don’t drop some N-Bombs, I don’t want your fucking dumplings, get out of my house. But her story is that she was planning a wedding in her restaurant where she wanted all the wait staff to be dressed like Civil War-era slaves. That’s probably not OK. The Guys and Gunnz talked about racist jokes and decided that racism can be ok in the context of a joke. There are Polish jokes, Jew jokes, Indian jokes, German jokes, dead baby jokes the list goes on. Like, where do you send a Jew with ADD? Concentration Camp!

Like I mentioned, Gunnz is in the studio today and she is one hell of a team player. After some Hollywood news that I zoned out for, she took a shot in the box with the dick punch machine for the good of the show. She also said she would fight Rawdog at the next Ellismania, and the winner gets Rawdog’s chair on the show. So we have that to look forward to. I’m not much of a betting man, but I’m taking the Gunnz on that one.

Mettalica has a new movie coming out call “Through The Never” and I am not entirely sure what’s going on here, but this is the trailer. It’s got Dane Dehaan, the kid from Chronicle in it, and it could either be really cheesy and stupid or fucking awesome.

Some enterprising young asian called the VIP line looking for his mom by accident and the fucked with him for a second and dropped a couple “Aw Herro!”‘s on him before he hung up. And out of fucking nowhere they started quoting Usual Suspects which made me like Tully and Ellis a whole lot more, that fucking movie rules. Look, I gotta be honest, a lot of the show today was the guys and the Gunnz just sort of shot the shit for a lot of the show. Not a lot of big discussions or arguments for some reason, almost like something was missing. Hmm…

 Metal music might be the greatest thing white people have ever done, besides science and shit. I like to think that maybe we are just really good supervisors, so keep kicking out the jams, ethnics.

Being a Frog Man would be a fucking terrible existence  because you can’t do shit with flipper hands. This conversation started because the Gunnz was infected by the Dog chair and didn’t know that flippers go on your feet and not on your hands and they just ran with it. Having a cue tip shoved into your urethra, or Cry-Hole as Tully put it, sounds fucking awful, and you should avoid that method if possible. I imagine it feels like having a fistful of hair being pulled out at once for an extended period of time. 19 year olds are fucking stupid. This chick called into the show and got all snippy with Ellis because he didn’t kiss her ass like she is probably used to getting from the 19 year old guys who are trying to pry their way into her unkempt crotch pocket do. I met my wife when she was 19 and I’m surprised she made it, and then I remembered how old she is now and it started to make me feel old and I got sad and drank some Metamucil. But fuck that chick.

Time for a new signature segment: “What Are You Doing?” a great new bit where you can call into the show and talk about what it is, in fact, that you are doing. Turns out everyone is stuck in fucking traffic, and @Bitpimps is busy packing dildos for a trip. Following this segment they played ANOTHER new signature segment, “What are you doing tomorrow” and it turns out Ellisfam doesn’t know how to plan for anything, and it kind of fizzled out until Mayhem came into the studio with psychosis and toe shows. They just kind of shot the shit and Mayhem yelled at everything in the room. So they pulled out the punching machine to get the Gunnz and Mayhem on the boards. Gunnz landed a 52, getting a higher score than Big B, and is pretty close to the top for girls if I remember right. Mayhem swung his first punch and got a 78, right behind Ellis’ 79, so Ellis started sweatin balls. But Uncle Mayhem must have been feeling the effects of an adrenaline dump, because he tapered off and had to take his spot behind Ellis. And then, something fucking weird happened. Anal Gay came into the studio to update the scores on the boards, and when he was done, Gunnz mentioned there was still a 51 above her 52. So Anal Gay came back in, changed it, and tried to say that it was never wrong in the first place. I don’t even know how to accurately describe how thick the awkwardness was in the room, listening to Anal Gay try to tell everyone who saw him change it, that it never needed changing. He got really pissy about it and walked out of the room, and then came back and begrudgingly said he had to change it. It was really stupid, and it made me hate Anal Gay a lot more than I did before today.

Well, that’s no way to end the re-caps. I know a lot of the guys try to go out on a joke. I know I’m not very good at that for some reason. Something about knowing the end is near, I start feeling pressure that I need to come up with something off the cuff, where you leave feeling good about the rest of the bullshit you just read. And well, you know what, I wanna go to fucking sleep, ok?

That’s what beer + Amazon gift cards get you, folks.