Good evening, shitbirds. Welcome to the Wednesday re-cap of The Jason Ellis Show, let’s shave some hair and call it a party. If you start growing chest/back/foot/penis hair you need to make a commitment to either shave it all the time, or let it get full and bushy and start buying fake gold chains to nestle into your chest nest. Shannon Gunnz was filling in the Rawdog chair today, because Rawdog woke up today with a little tickle in his throat, so he used a sick day because getting kicked off the show twice in less than 7 days would probably be a little too demoralizing for the Dog. Ellis said he thought Josh was trying to avoid some recent drama about Ellismania videos not getting uploaded. Josh said he sent them, the chick at Ellismania said she didn’t get them and Ellis was playing middle man going back and forth and he eventually decided he just didn’t give a shit though. I don’t know if one of the four of you who read this watch NBA, but the finals are on right now and the Heat won last night when Lebron went sick-cunt and lit up the court. He even lost his headband, and when they tried to give it back to him he was like “Nah mate, I’m goin sick ya cunts.” True story. Anyway, I bring this up because Tully really hates the Heat and Lebron and got really bitter after they won and had a little trouble sleeping. I don’t watch basketball, I don’t care. But still, I do enjoy when there is a bandwagon of hate (However legitimate that hate is) against a team and that team continues to win. My Facebook gets hilarious when Lebron wins, I love watching those people feel misery.
Speaking of Misery, as you know, Gunnz DJ’s for both Faction and Octane, and Octane plays some serious cookie cutter butt rock. Like Halestorm. And Gunnz loves them, so they played a little bit of their song “I miss the misery” and Ellis and Tully beat the piss out of it like they do which was great. Paula Deen says the N-Word, which is probably why she makes such damn good fried chicken. That’s authentic southern home cookin’ talkin’ right there. In fact, if you don’t drop some N-Bombs, I don’t want your fucking dumplings, get out of my house. But her story is that she was planning a wedding in her restaurant where she wanted all the wait staff to be dressed like Civil War-era slaves. That’s probably not OK. The Guys and Gunnz talked about racist jokes and decided that racism can be ok in the context of a joke. There are Polish jokes, Jew jokes, Indian jokes, German jokes, dead baby jokes the list goes on. Like, where do you send a Jew with ADD? Concentration Camp!
Like I mentioned, Gunnz is in the studio today and she is one hell of a team player. After some Hollywood news that I zoned out for, she took a shot in the box with the dick punch machine for the good of the show. She also said she would fight Rawdog at the next Ellismania, and the winner gets Rawdog’s chair on the show. So we have that to look forward to. I’m not much of a betting man, but I’m taking the Gunnz on that one.
Mettalica has a new movie coming out call “Through The Never” and I am not entirely sure what’s going on here, but this is the trailer. It’s got Dane Dehaan, the kid from Chronicle in it, and it could either be really cheesy and stupid or fucking awesome.
Some enterprising young asian called the VIP line looking for his mom by accident and the fucked with him for a second and dropped a couple “Aw Herro!”‘s on him before he hung up. And out of fucking nowhere they started quoting Usual Suspects which made me like Tully and Ellis a whole lot more, that fucking movie rules. Look, I gotta be honest, a lot of the show today was the guys and the Gunnz just sort of shot the shit for a lot of the show. Not a lot of big discussions or arguments for some reason, almost like something was missing. Hmm…
Metal music might be the greatest thing white people have ever done, besides science and shit. I like to think that maybe we are just really good supervisors, so keep kicking out the jams, ethnics.
Being a Frog Man would be a fucking terrible existence because you can’t do shit with flipper hands. This conversation started because the Gunnz was infected by the Dog chair and didn’t know that flippers go on your feet and not on your hands and they just ran with it. Having a cue tip shoved into your urethra, or Cry-Hole as Tully put it, sounds fucking awful, and you should avoid that method if possible. I imagine it feels like having a fistful of hair being pulled out at once for an extended period of time. 19 year olds are fucking stupid. This chick called into the show and got all snippy with Ellis because he didn’t kiss her ass like she is probably used to getting from the 19 year old guys who are trying to pry their way into her unkempt crotch pocket do. I met my wife when she was 19 and I’m surprised she made it, and then I remembered how old she is now and it started to make me feel old and I got sad and drank some Metamucil. But fuck that chick.
Time for a new signature segment: “What Are You Doing?” a great new bit where you can call into the show and talk about what it is, in fact, that you are doing. Turns out everyone is stuck in fucking traffic, and @Bitpimps is busy packing dildos for a trip. Following this segment they played ANOTHER new signature segment, “What are you doing tomorrow” and it turns out Ellisfam doesn’t know how to plan for anything, and it kind of fizzled out until Mayhem came into the studio with psychosis and toe shows. They just kind of shot the shit and Mayhem yelled at everything in the room. So they pulled out the punching machine to get the Gunnz and Mayhem on the boards. Gunnz landed a 52, getting a higher score than Big B, and is pretty close to the top for girls if I remember right. Mayhem swung his first punch and got a 78, right behind Ellis’ 79, so Ellis started sweatin balls. But Uncle Mayhem must have been feeling the effects of an adrenaline dump, because he tapered off and had to take his spot behind Ellis. And then, something fucking weird happened. Anal Gay came into the studio to update the scores on the boards, and when he was done, Gunnz mentioned there was still a 51 above her 52. So Anal Gay came back in, changed it, and tried to say that it was never wrong in the first place. I don’t even know how to accurately describe how thick the awkwardness was in the room, listening to Anal Gay try to tell everyone who saw him change it, that it never needed changing. He got really pissy about it and walked out of the room, and then came back and begrudgingly said he had to change it. It was really stupid, and it made me hate Anal Gay a lot more than I did before today.
Well, that’s no way to end the re-caps. I know a lot of the guys try to go out on a joke. I know I’m not very good at that for some reason. Something about knowing the end is near, I start feeling pressure that I need to come up with something off the cuff, where you leave feeling good about the rest of the bullshit you just read. And well, you know what, I wanna go to fucking sleep, ok?
That’s what beer + Amazon gift cards get you, folks.