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Show Re-cap For Monday 11/19/2012

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What’s it look like tweeting and typing notes for a re-cap while listening to The Jason Ellis Show?

It’s Monday again, but this time it’s a short 3 day work week for most us, sorry Canadians – you already had yours. Oi, mate, no way – Dingo’s in the house today, so one can only assume loud, cackling laughter and people yelling over each other will be a portion of the show today. Before the show could even really start, Rawdog came out with another gem, instead of saying he was going to “dip” into a Monster or Red Bull, he said “depp” – as in Johnny Depp. Tully’s hair still needs time to marinate, he’s been growing it out and his mail-order bride helped him Depp that shit up. Ellis got himself another vehicle (as well as a vest), it’s a Dodge, and he’s cool with it even if millions of fans aren’t. Rawdog asked a chick out over the weekend, and she said yes – so shout out to that sly motherfucker for Depping up to the plate. Georges St. Pierre may have won his fight over the weekend, but according to many, he’s a boring fighter – his tactics and game plan works and wins him fights, but it’s boring as hell to watch. Anderson Silva also won his fight, but now is going on hiatus so you can star in movies. Really solid C, approaching B, movies. Dingo got his Wolfknives package today, so it’s official, he’s still known as Dingo.

Plan A contraception didn’t work? Try Plan B. That didn’t work either? There’s always Plan C!

You know what’s kinda fun for Ellis? Going to his kid’s soccer game with Katie and seeing his ex-wife there. Katie and Andrea say their pleasantries and Ellis is only thinking, “I banged both of you. I had kids with that one, but I’m going out with this one. Weird.” That does have to be a sort of odd situation. Tully and his family went to a museum the other day and were passing a family with a massively fat 9 year-old kid that everyone had to squeeze around because the kid’s walrus blubber was taking up the entire sidewalk. That’s gotta suck for that kid, but it also sucks for people who have to walk into traffic to avoid rubbing their genitals against the kid’s bulbous ass. Hence junk food diets. Apparently some dude ran a marathon fueled only by McDonald’s for the last month before the marathon – and dude finished in his own personal record best time. Enter Rawdog claiming that McDonald’s is actually healthy for you. Congratulations, the human race just took three giant, waddling steps backwards. Not even speaking about weight, but how do you manage to eat the same thing for a month straight without going bat shit crazy?

Game time, “You Don’t Know Shit About Jason Ellis”, which is like The Newlywed Game, but with Rawdog, Tully, and Dingo being the acting spouses of Jason Ellis. And now, on with the questions and Ellis’ answers.

When playing a game with Australians, this is a legitimate answer to just about every question.

  1. Q: If Ellis could have the head of any animal, what would it be?
    A: Wolf
  2. Q: If they made a movie about the story of my life, who would play the role of Jason Ellis?
    A: Russell Crowe
  3. Q: A _____ (blank) is not a musical instrument.
    A: Tambourine
  4. Q: With the money I spent on that Porsche, I could have bought Josh a new ______ (blank).
    A: Girlfriend
  5. Q: Will Pendarvis’ sexiest feature is his definitely his ______ (blank)
    A: Shins
  6. Q: If I could only perform 1 sex position for the rest of my life, it would be _______ (blank)
    A: Missionary
  7. Q: I’m willing to do pretty much anything in the bedroom, but when it comes to ______ (blank), I have to draw the line
    A: Shit & murder
  8. Q: Other than rollerblading, the lamest hobby anyone could have would be ______ (blank)
    A: Parkour
  9. Q: If I had to do Kevin, i would probably have sex with his _______ (blank)
    A: Mother
  10. Q: If I had to be reborn as any other race, other than white, I would choose to be ______ (blank)
    A: Hawaiian
  11. Q: The strangest place any of your loads has ever landed, has been on a ______ (blank)
    A: Porsche
  12. Q: If you could change one thing about how Josh looks, it would be his ______ (blank)
    A: Torso (muscles)
  13. Q: Aside from Jesus or God, the coolest dude in the bible is _____ (blank)
    A: Satan
  14. Q: If you had to make out with one guy associated with the show, staff or reoccurring guest, who would it be?
    A: Benji Madden
  15. Q: What is the most awesome snack to enjoy while you’re stoned?
    A: Chocolate
  16. Q: If I could live in any European country, I would live in ______ (blank)
    A: France
  17. Q: What body part would you be most willing to give up?
    A: Balls
  18. Q: If you were a bird, what type of bird would you be?
    A: Eagle
  19. Q: My biggest muscle is my ______ (blank)
    A: Dick
  20. Q: My biggest fear is being attacked by a rabid ______ (blank)
    A: Shark
  21. Q: Ellis fans are aggressive, I was once approached by a fan with I was _____ing (blank)
    A: Shitting
  22. Q: If I could pick the way that I die, it would be ______ (blank)
    A:

And the winner was, Dingo – beating out Tully in a tie-breaker. Next up was Hollywood News, and I was driving home from work while that was going on so I’ve pretty much forgotten about all of it. However, the real story here is the Cumtard’s butt chugging video is up on EllisMania.com with another video on it’s way – probably during the Thanksgiving Holiday break. In the meantime, you can read his Q & A with the fans while you wait. Then it was time for final calls and a quick Rawdog raping where a testicle may or may not have popped out. It’s okay though, that ball is going to be just fine as soon as he cuts your mother’s nipples off with a straight razor, the erection he’ll get from that will pull his ball right back into place, and then he gets to use the puss and ooze as lube to fist her and finish by jerking himself off inside her asshole. OH!

Cumtard The Cumtardian, From Sector Tard-Tard, In The Tardian System

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Some fans of The Jason Ellis Show have a Q & A session with Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft (@KevinKraftSucks), a once (and maybe soon to be again?) producer of the show. He’s become somewhat of a fan favorite among listeners for his willingness to do just about anything for the show, including, but not limited to: smoking & eating his own pubes, eating the infamous “baby bird sandwich”, a “brocone”, and even an onion smoothie – though onions make him hurl. We asked the fans to submit questions they might like to ask him, using the #AskCumtard tag so we could track the questions. And here’s what has become of those questions!

@mike_in_canada: Seriously bro, were you leading on that tranny?
I’m sure she would see it that way but I was just trying to be nice. You’ve heard the stuff I’ve admitted to on the show. If trannies were my thing at all I’d have no problem admitting to it and talking about it. I know it’s hard to believe but I’m a pretty big fan of natural born women.

@bitPimps: When you first started working for the show, did you have any idea you’d be eating the “Baby Bird” or smoking your own pubes?
Pretty much. Since I was a little kid I’ve always been known for doing weird fucked up stuff and I knew Ellis would appreciate someone who will do anything painful or disgusting for the good of the show. And of course now that I’ve done all these things there’s even more pressure on me to not back out of shit. (Fun fact: I don’t think I’ve ever actually smoked my own pubes. I think the only person to ever hit a pubey doobie of my pubes was DJ Cupcake)

@bitPimps: Why do you hate Tully so much?
That hair of his is just too goddamn perfect.

@mike_in_canada: You’ve smoked your own pubes, ate the baby bird, stuck beer in your ass, and drank an onion smoothie… is there anything you won’t do for the show?
The stakes would have to be really high for me to make out with a dude or anything like that… and I mean REALLY high stakes.

@mike_in_canada: What would you have done if your girlfriend spat your load back into your mouth?
Vomit on her face

@tank_yanker: Was there any money to be made as a freeway clown?
Yes but I put it all in Facebook stock and went bankrupt

@bitPimps: You and Will spend a lot of time giggling outside the studio. Has he ever tickled you in a “special” place?
Not that I’m willing to discuss… We just sincerely enjoy the show. It’s great to be able work on a show you love and laugh your ass off all day.

@Hispandrix: What do you consider your “crowning achievement” on the show?
Playing the Leonard Maltin game with Doug Benson was really awesome for me just as a fan. It was also pretty cool doing the “shock bikini” with Dingo and Danny on the controls.

@tank_yanker: Will you be taking great delight in watching Rawdog gag on a dead horse cock?
Yes. I love the guy but it’s nice to see someone else in misery every once in a while.

@sharkchucker: What kind bait did you use to bang the retarded chick. If you knocked her up would you abort?
A piece of cheese. Dealing with retarded people is very similar to dealing with mice

@AZ_RedDragon: Did you listen to TJES before working there?
Yes just not as often that I liked because I was working on other Sirius shows that were live at the same time. I didn’t get to listen enough to know all the inside jokes and references but I’ve always felt Jason is an extremely funny and talented broadcaster.

@AZ_RedDragon: What is the single most embarrassing or disgraceful stunt you’ve done?
Eating the pube breakfast sandwiches was pretty fucked… of all the stuff I’ve done on the show that would be the one that would bum my grandma out the most

@bitPimps: Is there anyone, or a list of people, you would like to tell to fuck off or shout out?
I’d like to shout out Steve Guttenberg just because I’m sure it’s been a long time since anyone has done that

@CrackerStacker6: How old were you for your first attempted suicide? How did you fuck it up, and when do you think you will finally do it right?
I tried to overdose on pills when I was 8 but it turned out they were multivitamins

@ripped_piggy: If you became a Wolfknife tomorrow, what would you want Ellis, Tully, and Josh to give you as a name, excluding CockMountain, Cumfat, Cumtard, or Thrasher?
Thrasher would be nice but that’s just wishful thinking. So far I’m greatly enjoying “Tard Tard the Tard Tardy Tard”

@bitPimps: You do radio production, voice-overs, podcasts, writing… If you had your pick, what do you want to do as a career?
Writing. It’s an extremely thankless job to be a writer in the entertainment industry (most times you’re not even allowed on the set of the movie you wrote) and probably one of the most difficult careers to break into but it’s been my dream since I was a kid. Voice over would probably be the best though. You get a nice paycheck to just sit in a studio and goof off for an hour or two

@CrackerStacker6: Ellis’ nicknames for you got more cruel every week. CockMountain, Cumfat, Cumtard, etc. Did any in particular ever bother you?
Cumfat was kind of a bummer. Who in their right mind wants to fuck some asshole called Cumfat? Splooge was kinda funny.

@ripped_piggy: It looks like they need to replace elmo with a new creepy puppeteer, any chance you’ll be applying to live on sesame street?
That would be a sweet gig but imagine the media firestorm “New Elmo voice eats his own pubes and shoves beer up his asshole”

@CrackerStacker6: Did you ever feel like Ellis just expected you to know how he wanted things done, instead of just tell you?
Yes but that’s the life of a producer. You always have to try to anticipate the next step. It’s not an exact science so it’ll never be something you can be right on 100% of the time. Just look at Howard and Baba Booey. He’s been with the show forever and still gets yelled at for goofing things up from time to time.

@‏Hollow_NorCal: Tranny sex… is it better than regular sex since there is more to play with?
More doesn’t necessarily equal better. “Less is more” applies to dicks

THE END

Thanks to Kevin for all the games he’s come up with as well as all the insane games he’s participated in – just to make us laugh, for getting shocked to shit, and for taking the time to do this Q & A session with the fans. Cumtard is a gamer and he comes through for the show, especially when someone is needed. Here’s to hoping he finds himself in a more permanent position. Can’t get enough of him? He has his own podcast, The Mad Scientist Party Hour, that you can check out.

Related posts: 2012: This Year In Cumtard Images

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 11/13/2012

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Does this book really work? I’ve never read the fucking thing.

Happy Tuesday my fellow queef sniffers! Ellis made a list to remind himself to do something. The list says “Show” and then there’s a lightening bolt. And guess what? BOOM! There’s a show today, so chew on that shit! You know crazy Aussie guy who isn’t Ellis, but he calls Ellis and leaves Gregtallica messages on his phone? Yea, him, Gregsy. He started the “you’ve got the toss” shit, he’d grab Ellis’ forearms and tell him “me, you, we’re in!” and how nobody else knew, but they owned shit. Gregsy was a talented photographer, a creative guy, but from the sounds of it, also crazier than a shit house rat on a fishing boat. I’m not sure what exactly that means, but it’s pretty fucking serious. This lead into talk about the “life of the party” type guys and how later in life, things didn’t usually work out too great for them. Guess who’s bailing out of lifting weights at the gym? NOPE! Not Rawdog! That’s right, Ellis bailed on Rawdog. Ellis is just going to buy gym shit for his, says it’s too hard with the whole drive time thing to get to the gym in the morning. Hey, shout out to us on the show today, thanks to Will Pendarvis’ recent interview. Ellis hates the website, which of course is exactly what we like to hear, so things are looking up! Just in case you weren’t already sure, having a micro dick would fucking suck. A little contest on the show today, Stupid Things Celebrities Have Said. There was a lot of stupid and I didn’t bother keeping track of it all, so you’re just going to have to trust me about there being a lot of stupid, or you can always listen to the replay or on-demand shows. Tickets for Death! Death! Die! “The Wreckoning” featuring a dead horse’s cock on Saturday December 15, 2012 at Cheetahs Gentleman’s Club have gone on sale, so if you’re one of the lucky ones that can make it out to LA, go buy your tickets now.

New Music Tuesday? I got your NMT right here!

Next up, NMT and three tracks from the new Machine Fucking Head Live album. The first track was a solid 5 minutes of fans chanting “Machine fucking head”, then we heard a screamy track, then a track where Robb Flynn “fuckin’ thanks all the fuckin’ fans in that particular fuckin’ city” before going into the song “Darkness Within” with the crowd still chanting shit and trying to play sing-a-long. We also got to hear another full-on 5 minutes of talking from a new track off of Aerosmith’s latest album – which just so happened to be recorded merely feet away from where the guys are currently sitting. Trent Reznor made an appearance for his song on the Call of Duty: Black Ops II soundtrack. Next was a rapper named Murs, he said something about chains, pictures, elixers, and I think I heard a Snickers in there too. Christina Aguilera’s new song “Your Body” was played, pretty sure she drinks Go Girl energy drink. Another stinky piece of shit was up next, by Lana Del Rey, her rendition of “Blue Velvet” so you can guess how well that went over. Travis Barker & Yelawolf came in to put some funk on that previous stank, the first track was okay but nothing that’s going to make you okay with getting snowballed. The next track was full of rasta, and the final track played was kind of like spoken word Def Poetry Jam. Deftones were next and that shit got cut short as Mayhem entered the studio.

One more shout out. This is for everyone who participated on the Q & A with Will.

Mayhem entered wearing Chad Reed’s (from D!D!D!) helmet that he gaffled from EllisMania 8. He was thinking Ellis might give him a pop for not being on the show in such a long time, Ellis said he didn’t care, but it didn’t really sound like that was totally truthful. At any rate, Ellis and Mayhem fell right back into their typical routine and all was right in the world. Until… Rawdog mentioned there were still a few more tracks left on NMT. Shit. Okay, let’s just get this over with. A track from Green Day, if you’ve heard one of their songs, you’ve heard all their songs. Shitlicking Dickerson Aaron Lewis from Stained, he played some shitty country song. New Soundgarden track, it sounded more like the Soundgarden of old that everybody loved but have mostly forgotten about by now. Finally, Rawdog’s pick of the week – it was some fecal freak German band called Mouse on Mars, and as you might expect, it was pure shit. Hollywood news was the next segment, I was stuck in traffic while this bit played. I have no notes about it, so we’ll just hit the skip button here. Mayhem tried answering final calls but got fired from that when he wouldn’t stop talking so the caller could be heard – duties returned to Cumtard at that point. Your mom has finally fucked all the straight men in this world and so now she has to move on to gay men. The big dilemma, how do you get a gay guy to fuck your mom? Stick a log of shit in her pussy. OH!

Behind the Curtain with Will Pendarvis

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Some fans of The Jason Ellis Show have a Q & A session with Will “Shiny Shins” Pendarvis, the CEO of Faction 41, as well as the lonely, slightly disturbed, partially terrifying, but tireless boss of Swinghouse Studios. We asked the fans to submit questions they might like to ask Will, using the #AskShindarvis tag so we could track the questions. Here is a portion of what everyone came up with, along with answers straight from Pendarvis The Third himself!

@mike_in_canada: What was it like being another DJ at the same station as Howard Stern?
I used to be on the air in the afternoon at the same station in New York where Howard did mornings. That was the biggest honor I’ve ever had career-wise. Howard has always been extremely nice to me. To be listening to Howard and have him or Artie or Robin bring up your name out of the blue.. it may seem lame to some people… but it’s always exciting to me.

@sharkchucker: It seems like you were once a fun on air talent at one time. When and why did you give up?
I’ve had some awesome times on the air.. and I’ve actually done some good, unconventional, subversive, non-mainstream stuff on the air… but I always wanted to work behind the scenes. After I met Ellis I knew he was the guy who could do the on-air part… and I could work behind the scenes to use what I’ve learned to help promote and build the show. It’s the perfect scenario for me.

@sharkchucker: When the show started and Sirius / XM didn’t want Tully to speak, could you see the need for a smart guy? Was it set to fail?
Ellis could sit in a room and talk for four hours and be plenty entertaining on his own every day. He was born with that gift. I’ve championed Tully being on with Ellis because Tully is very funny and smart… but he also makes Ellis perform at his best. There’s no doubt at what Tully adds to the show.

@bitPimps: You used to be the “voice of TBS” and have an entry on IMDb. Do you think you’re hot shit or something?
Yes.

@AZ_RedDragon: When you lost your virginity was it special? How much did she cost?
Oh. I see. You are inferring that I had intercourse with a prostitute. That would only be made more humorous if you had indicated that it was a male prostitute.

@bitPimps: You’re coming up on 30 years in radio / tv / production. Is there anything you regret or wish you had done differently? And back then, did you see yourself in a different position from where you are now?
I would have invested money in Microsoft, invented bottled water and I would have signed Ellis to a 20-year management deal where I get 40% of his income.

@wiz1010: What is on those security tapes of swinghouse?
I have a few videos saved. One day when I have some time I’m going to transfer those videos and put them online. I have Josh being scared by Jason at 4am one morning… people stealing shit… Ellis getting kicked in the leg… there’s some good stuff on there.

@wiz1010: Why do you hate Tully so much?
Doesn’t everybody?

@wiz1010: If you we’re stranded on a deserted island and could have only 2 things, what and why?
A fancy hotel and a supermodel with very low self-esteem.

@tank_yanker: What did you do wrong that sent you from NYC to a shitty warehouse in LA?
I pitched the idea of Faction and building an LA studio and moving here to run it… I think this is awesome. If it’s meant to be a punishment it’s not working.

@sharkchucker: How many ex-wives and kids does it take to dull the optimistic sparkle in ones eyes?
Kids are awesome. Ex-wives? It only takes one.

@bwstrangler: When I’m stalking a woman in my car how many car lengths do I give them and when do I flash the lights and honk the horn?
At first you need to get right up on them. Make sure they know you are there. Then.. back off for a while. When you think they have relaxed… pull up real fast flashing your lights and honking. Repeat. Repeat. ..and then do it again the next night. …and wear a clown mask.

@sharkchucker: Can you openly tell the stories from the cocaine and whores good ole days of radio?
Yes.

@CrackerStacker6: Just how many women have you kidnapped and now remain in your “dead letter office”?
What? Are you a cop or something? You can’t prove anything. If you had anything on me you would arrest me.. so put me in handcuffs or get out of my face. Anyway- I have video that proves I was lighting fires when all those people went missing.

@bwstrangler: At what age did your children start riding a bike? Your children can ride a bike right?! u better not be raising rawdogs!
Rawdog is an awesome dude. That being said… I’m not raising any Rawdogs… not in my house.

THE END

Thanks to Will for doing all the behind the scenes stuff he does, for providing some button drops in front of the scenes, and for taking the time to do this Q & A session. He may have shiny shins, he might be a little rapey, but you can tell he loves the show and his 72 hour work days. Just kidding Will, we know you don’t listen to the show that much. OH!

Related posts: 2012: This Year In Pendarvis Images

Show Re-cap For Monday 11/12/2012

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Mom, Dad… One day I’m going to grow up and become the Tsar of Candyland!

It’s Monday and the only thing that could be worse would be if your wiener was so chapped, it just kept flaking and peeling until you were left with a nub. You on your ass game? Keeping that shit smooth and buttery? No? Ellis is. According to Ellis and Tully, Rawdog is looking mello today, like a smooth criminal. His beauty secret? He’s tired and didn’t use any product in his hair. It’s finally starting to sink in, Rawdog is going to have to suck on a dead horse’s dick – and it’s starting to trouble him. Especially when he thinks about his parents seeing pictures of him suck on said dead horse’s dick, and how he’s going to have to explain that to his parents. How will this happen? Because he’s friends with his parents on Facebook. What’s more? They hate Ellis, allegedly. He’s asked them at times to not listen to the show, but sometimes they still do. One way that was discussed to get them to butt out of his work life a little… take pictures of himself fucking his mom’s underwear and send her the pictures. Tully was name dropping some big guns, speaking of him walking / talking with Cameron Crowe, only to end up walking into a room only to see some other famous person and Elton John playing The Bitch Is Back. Ellis went to see Guns N’ Roses this weekend, said they sucked and Axl Rose sucked, but has stage presence, and I don’t think any of us listeners were surprised by that news.

One of the bigger differences between men and women?

Here we go, Hollywood news time. Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have broken up, but wait! There may still be hope for the two forlorn, star crossed, lovers. Prepubescent teens and grown ups everywhere are devastated, but hopeful. Elmo of Sesame Street fame, actually the man (Kevin Clash) that does Elmo’s voice, is denying that he molested a 16 year-old boy. Instead, he waited until the boy was 18, and then fucked him senseless. Something again about Lindsay Lohan and a Barbara Walters interview. I don’t know, I’m still puking / making jokes about Elmo molesting children. Matthew McConaughey has looks like he has AIDs, it’s for a role in some new movie he’s doing – I think it’s called Elmo Strikes Again. The Mowgli’s (of Death! Death! Die! fame) will be on Leno sometime in the upcoming days, so shout out to those happy indie pop-rock artists of the future.

If robots want to become women, this is how it can be done.

CIA Director David Petraeus resigned amid an extra-marital affair and people are full on circle jerking about his judgement and decision making. But what women and their decision making, am I right? HA-HA! There was some kind of big brawl in NASCAR’s Sprint Cup race over the weekend. Some feller crashed into another good’ole boy, who later crashed into that first daggum sunnuva-gun too, then there was some bull malarkey in the gal-durned pits, dude ran to a NASCAR trailer and by golly if other dude didn’t trot on over to fight that dude, but then all these other dudes from dem der pits startied fighting other pit dudes, and then everyone high fived, drank beers, hit women, and shit ike-at. YEEHAW, YOU SONS A BITCHES!!! Do you know the secret to a longer, healthier, and happier life? No, it’s not NASCAR, it’s sex bots! Except the big problem with that is, they don’t actually exist yet so until I get to fuck a sex bot, I’m calling bullshit. However, I will fully back a US Rapebot for freedom and democracy across the globe, and until every man, woman, and child has been raped by a robot until they are free – I will not rest. Bad news on the home front today, your mom got stuck in a tree. But it’s okay now, the noose was cut and she is now out of the tree and tied to a bumper. OH!