That’s right! Morgan Freeman, as Morgan Freeman, and Billy Bob Thornton, as Karl Childers, talk about EllisMania 9, Fuck Fests, and their memories.
(by: sharkchucker)
(by: bitPimps)
Gaze deeply into Dingo’s eyes until you grow luscious locks like his!
It’s Monday. And this is a recap. Are you ready for a loud Dingo? I hope so, because he’s in the studio. Ellis might hire Dingo to say “Jason Ellis” in his big boy voice, but he might have to work on it because he doesn’t really have that deep of a voice. Dingo’s elevator talks to him and his cereal berates him. Ellis used to pray to get his wife back, but that didn’t happen so either there is no god or maybe there is a god and god was all like, “dude, you don’t want that” and therefore didn’t give his wife back. Dingo would go to church with Ellis if he wanted. But I’m pretty sure the congregation would forcibly remove Dingo because he just can’t go more than 60 seconds without being loud. That’s our Dingo! Jon Jones almost lost his fight with Alexander Gustafsson, but the Lord is a big Jones fan so you know what’s up. No matter if he like either one of those dude or not, their fight was pretty amazing, you could even say it was almost, god-like. Speaking of god/s, Ellis and Katie went to see Metallica and they were so close to James Hetfield that Ellis almost cried like 3 times. Apparently, Scott Greenstein knows Metallica and was a big part of some things Ellis was into when he was younger, which blew Ellis’ mind a bit. Ellis saw a bunch of other people there as well. He talked Opie, you know – that dude from Opie & Anthony. They talked about their past shit talking back and forth sessions and shit and talk, in the end Opie & Ellis are cool with each other. Howard Stern gangled up in the Metallica concert as well. That’s all we really were supposed to know, but we overheard Ellis talking to Wilson on “accident”. Everyone started cheering for Stern and all Ellis could think of was how he’s gonna take that shit. He’s super jealous but he also thinks it’s straight up gross that he’s so jealous of wanting to be as big and import as Stern. And that’s how Tully got hepatitis.
Shout out to Tiger, who’s now a baller!
Tiger discovered his balls this weekend. He asked his mommy what they were, then he started squeezing them until one of his balls did what balls sensing danger do, it went and hid. Then he pushed them together and showed his mommy that when he does this, it looks like a butt. And so starts an entire lifetime of playing with one’s balls. Have fun kid, you’re going to be doing this for the rest of your life. Gabe Ruediger is apparently feeling neglected this time around since Ellis fans aren’t razing him as much. So some of us hardcore fans started tough talking Gabe using #DummyTrashTalking. News time! A Texas jury gave a 44 year-old woman a life sentence for a DUI conviction because it was her 6th DUI. Take that Bartles & Jaymes! Hey, are you like Rawdog and just toss your old phone in the trash? Why the fuck do you do that? You could keep it, sell it, trade it, give it away, but no. You wanna fill up a landfill, don’t ya? The new iPhone 5 has a level on it, because do you know how many burly construction dudes have the latest phone for women and dudes that love to accessorize? Ellis got sent a CD of some unsigned band and the guys reminded everyone to send in their unsigned bands, so do that. Katie put a post up on Instagram, so eat a dick everybody! I don’t know why I said that. I didn’t mean any harsh feelings. I love you. Anyways, this brought up Bieber talk and I’m not having any of it, so BLA-DOW! A caller phoned in to tell Ellis that Tom Leykis was talking about Ellis on his show, and then everybody was like – PSSSHHHHH! You ever have a family pet try to get all up in your sexy times? Yeah, those fuckers are creepy gross. And don’t do what Dingo does, which is fondle his dog’s balls.
Intern angst.
Some chick in Canada with retarded kids bought a vitamin water and under the cap, it said “You retard” which of course sent her into a retarded rage and Coca-Cola had to apologize for predicting who was going to get that bottle of sweet justice. Speaking of retard, Ellis wants a big ass Nerf basketball on Rawdog’s microphone because he eats his microphone and it’s too loud. This brought us to Wilson who brought in a picture of his ex-wife’s dashboard that said “refill now butthole” which totally reminded him of how his ex-wife talked to him. One of the new interns, Lynette, was the focus of a “game” Wilson spent many a night thinking very in depth about. The game? How much does everyone know about her, Wilson giving the guys 3 options to choose from for each answer. Come to find out, she has 2 half-black sisters who are both Olympiads, in different sports. She also went skinny dipping in Loch Ness with some Scotsman, she’s been to 14 Coachella’s, she ran into a parked car while she was high on that sticky-icky, went to Paris Hilton’s something or another, she was an overweight kid, got hit by a car while jaywalking, and she got fired after 1 week of working as a hostess for having an attitude.
If you’re still reading, practicing auto-erotic asphyxiation, or committing suicide, hang in there!
You ever wondered what it was like to fly like an eagle, doot-doot-doo-doo? Ever wanted to be an eagle? Too fucking bad, you’re human. However, you can see what it’s like by watching this video of a GoPro strapped to an eagle in flight! Dingo’s dad used to live in Kualdalaupe, which of course is in some imaginary country that is made up of a bunch of other countries that takes up pretty much all of Southern Asia. Get the cock off your chest was next up and it seems a lot of dudes have been pissing the bed lately, like an excessive amount of dudes and an excessive amount of piss. Let’s see how many of you are still actually reading this recap. 2 cups flour, 2 teaspoons baking powder, ½ teaspoon baking soda, 1 teaspoon sugar, ¾ teaspoon salt, ½ teaspoon garlic powder, ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper, 4 ounces shredded sharp cheddar cheese, 1 cup cold buttermilk, ½ cup melted unsalted butter and cooled for 5 minutes. For the topping, 2 tablespoons melted unsalted butter, ½ teaspoon garlic powder, 1 teaspoon minced fresh parsley. And there you have some basic ingredients for Red Lobster’s cheddar bay biscuits. If you’re still reading, you’re welcome. And with that, like an alcoholic or a necrophiliac, it’s time for me to go crack open a cold one. OH!
Frank’s dream is to re-make Miley’s Wrecking Ball video.
It’s Monday, and you know what that means! Time to wipe the shit off your lower lip and act like an adult in front your peers. It’s also time to pretend all those things you did on the weekend never actually happened. Wilson is still traveling that stinky shithole we all couldn’t wait to leave, going to Pink Floyd concerts, and getting terrible haircuts. Dingo is here though, he also left a stinky shithole, but he has lovely locks. Frank DeCaro came on the show right from the start, he has no hair, and I don’t think he has any plans to leave his husband’s stinky shithole. HEYOH! Frank has lost a child. In weight, not an actual child. He also went to Alaska and walked and stuff because he’s feeling more energized after dropping 30 pounds of homogenized fat. Ellis told Frank he’d send a boner picture to him if he lost another 30 pounds, Frank upped the bet by saying 40 pounds if there’s a tiny dribble of pre-cum on tip. I felt dirty and used just typing that. Dingo’s footsie coach in school said if you laid back and couldn’t see your pubes, you were overweight. This led the guys to think Dingo’s coach should likely be in jail, but he’s not. He’s still out there talking about pubes to young boys and his scientific method of measuring if you’re overweight or not. Speaking of pubes, Frank asked if Ellis had grown back his red pubes yet, Dingo quickly answered for Ellis – so what today must have been spa day for the two.
Rawdog at space camp.
Ellis is not a whale, but if he was a whale, he’d appreciate it if you didn’t steal his children from him. He also talked to Slash this morning and might have convinced him to come on the show again. Rawdog went to another hockey game with his girlfriend and they left about halfway through to meet up with his dad who was there covering the Emmy’s or some shit. Dingo made it sound like he was there watching them fuck in the crowd, but no. It was nothing like that. Everyone except Dingo thought the Mayweather vs Alvaraz fight sucked and El Diablo Blanco lost that fight, so who cares about the fight or what celebrities attended it. There was a shitload of talk about Justin Bieber because he was at the fight, but I completely blanked, I’m Bieber’d out. People died today after at least 1 gunman shot 11 other people at the Washington Navy Yard. There could be another gunman at large, deets are sketch, yo. So yeah, that sucks. Crazy shithouse people and their crazy asshole ways make for a crazy fuckhole of a world for the rest of us. Dingo has the Swiss Franc symbol tattooed on his arm for no apparent good reason other than his friend did it. Tully’s wife it totally dude friendly, they spent the weekend watching The Expendables 2, watching the Mayweather fight, and watching the Packer’s game – all of which was her idea. Apparently there’s a news story going around about Donald Schultz being charged with allegedly & illegally selling lizards.
Too much Bieber gives me a headache.
A little bit of dream talk. Dingo has dreamed a lot about having his teeth fall out and apparently that’s a pretty common dream, along with punching or running in slow motion in your dreams. Rawdog has dreamed a lot about falling and he wakes up just before he hits, like most children have dreamed. Tully recently dreamed about Justin Bieber and how they were old friends and they just wanted to get away from the crowds and go get a drink together, which should tell you something about Tully and scare the fuck out of you. And Ellis recently dreamed about his dad’s pale, dead body being wrapped in a sheet and in bed next to him. This lead into another fucking round of Justin Bieber talk. What. The. Fuck. I zoned out again because fuck that kid for being the topic of discussion not only once, but twice in an hour and half on the show I love. Thankfully the show went into break and stopped the Bieber shit.
A PSA should you have a need to collect your $1 million you won from a dice game.
We came from break with Hollywood news and I shit you not. And if I hear anything about Bieber, I’m going to make you all pay by scraping the recap and talking only about the potential presence of ancient aliens and Stonehenge. Some dude at a Beyoncé show pulled her off stage and into the crowd, she didn’t even give a rats ass. Ellis thinks Beyoncé is the greatest performer alive, Rawdog thinks Kanye is, and Dingo flipped the fuck out over the Beyoncé stance as he thinks Lady Gaga is the best, and Tully had to preemptively hush Dingo after he tried to hush him. So who is the greatest entertainer? I don’t fuckin’ know man, what the hell kind of loaded question is that? Carlos Santana crashed into a parked car in Las Vegas and he wasn’t even drunk, so it must have been a black magic woman. Hulk Hogan was in an accident, on a boat, and he had a boo-boo with some blood. Jaden Smith went on an anti-education tirade on Twitter, and clearly his 15-year-old ass smarter than everyone else’s so Stephen Hawking can suck it, man. P Diddy lost 1 million green backs to Rick Ross in a game of dice and he don’t give a shit about it, so suck his dick, bitch. Some chick born in America and is of Indian descent (dot, not feather) chick won the Miss America title and people are getting their white people underwear in a knot about it because they’re racist as fuck. Also, don’t read anything into that “dot, not feather” thing above, that was meant as a joke – you honky-ass cracker. HEYOH!
Kids? Sure! Love ’em! Taste great & less filling!
Rawdog is starting to make some changes to get in shape for his fight with Nick Swardson. What has he been doing to train? Lifting kettle bells again, cutting out a nugget or two from his diet, and forcing a green drink down every so often. Ellis has been provoking both Nick and Rawdog, so now Nick is looking to have Rampage or David Spade corner for him at EllisMania 9. This brought us to only second break in three hours because there’s too much show! This also brought me to mere minutes away from my gloriously shitty drive home in traffic, look at me go! No where. Insanely slow. Coming back, we had some clown news. First up, there are photos of a dude in Northampton freaking out people with his creepy clown behavior and nobody knows what the fuck is up his clown antics. Next up, you can hire a creepy clown to stalk and terrorize your children by sending them threatening texts and shit, what could possibly go wrong? And lastly, apparently the classic clown was a parody of the stereotypical Irish immigrants with big red noses and shitty clothes. Take that, ya drunken lushes! Only 3 breaks were taken today, showing that there sometimes truly is too much show and also showing how good the guys are. That’s a lot of radio without a break and isn’t easy to do. So shout out to the fellas for being sick cunts! I tried to call in as Jesus, stoked because he was the 47th caller. It turned out like shit, my phone kept cutting out, people couldn’t hear me and I couldn’t hear them. So sorry about that! But as The Lord, I’ma let you in on a little secret… How do I know the apostles were Mexican? There were twelve and they all traveled around in one accord. OH!
So I tweeted today after the show concerning commercials and The Jason Ellis Show, and a possible new dedicated channel that is yet to be officially announced. This snowballed into a conversation with others that I felt may have gotten a little misconstrued, due to the 140 character limit on Twitter. It’s hard to convey exact emotions sometimes when you’re so limited. So I thought I would explain myself further here, and clarify my statements. Call it one of the perks of running and writing on No You Are.
@EllisMate @RadioTFB @possiblytully Better not do too many commercials. Fuck that shit.
This led to some other’s tweeting about commercials, which I had responded to a few of those tweets. Basically, my stance is this: Does TJES and it’s cast deserve more recognition and money? Absolutely. Do I want Ellis, Tully, Josh, Will, Cullen, The Jingleberries, and whoever else is part of their team, to succeed? Of course I do. Do I understand that TJES was and has been severely under budgeted? Yes. So why my concerns about “too many commercials”? Simple. Kind of. The short of it is that I don’t see music breaks the same as commercials. I don’t think anyone can doubt my love for the show. That same love is why I’d prefer to have 6 breaks in 4 hours, over 18 breaks in 4 hours. (Those are made-up numbers, I have no idea what the numbers would be.) I don’t want the show that I love to be totally different. But I think Ellis knows what his audience expects and I don’t think he’ll let his show get decimated. That is my hope, and that is all I wanted to say. Dude, is that gay? DING.
Said nobody ever, except Dingo.
Welcome to another Monday, another Monday in the Swinghouse studios. Waddup with that, you ask? Well, it’s not ready yet. Hopefully it’s the last show in the old shit kitchen. Dingo’s here today and he don’t know shit about the new shit, new boss shit, and shit. Dingo and Ellis may go to the spa together, but they don’t take showers together, at least at the spa – because that’d be awkward. What exactly does Dingo do? He markets himself and markets shit, endorses himself and endorses shit, he talks about shit, and just does shit and stuff. He also seems to know way too much about JCPenney, I don’t know why or how, but there ya go – JCPenney connoisseur, Dingo! This of course leads us into shelf space and shoe technology, which you guessed it, Dingo straight up fucking rules that shit and schooled us on why action sports apparel is saturated by big brands like Nike, and of course, shit. Bellator 98 was this past weekend and the big news from that was, Perry “Filthy” Filkins grabbed his nipples several times. That’s a power intimidation move if I’ve ever heard of one.
EM9 special guest DJ, Bruce Lee. But not really. He’s dead.
EllisMania 9 is selling like hotcakes, faster than any EllisMania before. This sparked up talk about for sure going for an EllisMania 10. So now there’s more room deals (50 more rooms for 50% off) and shit, and someone or maybe multiple someones will be winning a room and some other shit. Speaking of EllisMania 9, Ellis has pretty much worked out all the fights for the event, so that’s pretty much in the bag, for the most part. Except for a fight or two, and shit. Is Nick Swardson training for his fight with Rawdog? Ellis called to find out and sure as shit, he is. And by training, I mean staying out late, sleeping in, drinking, and doing blow. There’s talk about the winners of EllisMania 9 getting a pimp cup and Dingo getting a golden straw. Not for cocaine, but so he can go up to the winners and steal a swig or two from their pimp cup. In an odd sort of way, Rawdog is the highlight of EllisMania and people are expecting to see him give his best performance, otherwise the entire world is going to stone him to death with used wet wipes. Dingo’s cheese officially slid off his cracker, he thought Tully participated in a fight at EllisMania that never happened. He also thought this was EllisMania 10, not 9, even though it’s been talked about several times today alone. Bad news for Wolfwipes, not everyone is down with using wipes on their balloon knot. Washington DC utility officials say wet wipes have caused a 35% increase in broken shit pumps. But good news for Wolfwipes if they come with a diaper genie.
Jesus, Jesus!
In the state of Iowa, if you are legally blind, you are now able to carry a fucking gun like the blind-ass motherfucker you are. Even Stevie Wonder was like, seriously? That’s insane. It’s okay, it’s not like blind people are reading this anyway. Could you imagine for a screen reader to get done blabbing all the previous shit? Not happening. Wilson came in with Ellis Jeopardy for the guys to play. Last time they played, Tully won but they gave it to somebody else because Tully always wins. And who won today’s episode of Ellis Jeopardy? It should come as no surprise, Michael Tully! Some We met a new intern today, Lynette (sp?) and she’s a poor, pretty white girl. Like Dingo, she don’t know shit about the show, wrestling, or shit – but she does know about Bean as she interned for that turd before – and shit. Like all women, she loves Dingo’s luscious locks and Josh is not allowed to fall in love with her. Sounds like she’s got the chops, kid. One day, she’s gonna be a STAR! In porn. Online. For NYA. OH! Just kidding Lynette. What am I saying? You’re not reading this. Hey, did you hear some old artist got the shit beat out of him over his art? What was his art you ask? A fake gun. With penis bullets. But it shot blanks. In your face. Are you catching any of this? Cuz I’m laying it on pretty fucking thick here. Why did God create yeast infections? So women would also know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt. Wait. I’m sorry about that. I don’t want to end this re-cap with that. Give me another chance. Come on baby, you can trust me! Do you wanna know how you kill fifty flies at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a shovel. Sorry Ethiopians. HEYOH!