Monthly Archives: November 2013

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 11/13/2013

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Welcome, all 12 of you, to the Wednesday recap of TJES. Show started off pretty rapid fire jumping from topic to topic so I will try and relay to the best of my attention span and see just how much of a fuck I give. Right off the bat, Jason got a call on his phone from the boss of Sirius (Scott Greenstein, maybe?). Apparently the boss doesn’t know what time the show starts, or maybe he just wanted to call and wish the guys good luck and let them know we are all counting on them like our pal @bitPimps does every day…Wait a god damn second…I think Scott Greenstein is bitPimps! Or bitPimps is Scott Greenstein! You shifty bastard, you couldn’t fool me for long.

There’s a typhoon going on in the Phillipines, and it was on the TV in the studio and the camera was all shaky. This reminded Ellis of how he was watching porn the other day and for no reason whatsoever, the video got blurry during some boning. Seriously, porn camera guy? What needed focusing? You had one job: hold the camera while these people slam their organs together and hold open their orifices for extended periods of time and go home. You fucked up bro. Speaking of porn, remember that bullshit bill in the works in California about making porn stars wear goggles to prevent an AIDS load to the face? Joanna Angel needs to jump on that early and corner the market on all the goggle related porn such as public pools, science labs and 1920’s roadster race tracks. Ellis says that even the condom laws are bullshit because the women are going to break their vaginas from all the friction condoms cause during coitus. You slam a chick with a condom on for an hour, she’s gonna start feeling more like muffler than a vagina.

Time to get serious motherfuckers. Jason has been feeling like he is losing his grips on shit because he smokes weed every day (Heyy yayyy yayee yay). So he is gonna do a 30 day sober stint and just clear it out of his system before he feels like he is out of control. Jason has had a history of going off the rails with drugs and alcohol and making bad decisions, but to me this time seems different than other sober stints he’s had. This one, he is catching early on and nobody but him is telling him to do it. And ya know what, Jason? That means you’re not a fucking junkie. You are doing a responsible thing stepping away. Hey, we all need a break from shit every now and then, be it from weed, beer, masturbating with a rubber band around your cock we all get what you are going through. This is the most mature and grounded “I need to be sober for a while” Jason I have ever seen and nobody is sweatin’ you dude. Good news, if you can get through 30 days and not break down, congratulations you’re not a junkie. Jason sweats it a little harder because he wants to be #1 more than anything in the world, and he is convinced being sober and getting on his best game is going to get him there. He is tired of hearing his name and saying “Who?” He wants to be the man. I may not be OG ellisfam, but I am stoked to be able to say I was backing this dude from the early days so I can act like I’m better than people.

@KevinKraftSucks AKA Cumtard, AKA Cock Garage AKA Cumfat AKA Cumtard the Cumtardian from the sector Cumtard was on the show today. And promoting shit for his broke ass! He is promoting his new app Freaky Scenes, a photo filter app with horror and science fiction themes. Very Cumtard. Anyway, you know the rules if you want to come plug your shit on TJES: You gotta get bit by some shit or get shocked. Reptile Outpost to the rescue bringing angry lizards galore to bite his nipples and genitalia. Cumtard had to answer trivia questions (some I noticed were ones from games cumtard had put together when he was the producer) and if he got them right, he could plug his shit, and if he got them wrong he got bitten and then he could plug his shit. If you have on demand and you want to hear some of the more high pitched screams I’ve heard come from Kevin, I recommend checking it out. And go spend $0.99 on his app, that dude needs money. Also check out his podcast, Mad Scientist Party Hour I’ve never heard it but I’m sure it’s great.

Lastly, the show ran out of time yesterday for NMT, so once again we got to hear New Music Wednesday! Wilson came in to finally record a NMW song, calling Rawdog an empty, soulless Jew. New Music Tuesday sucks as bad as New Music Wednesday, have a great night fuckers!

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 11/12/13

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It’s always good to have people you can depend on, folks. The kind of friends who will tuck your prolapse back in after an aggressive experiment in fisting, or tell you how well a pair of Lululemon’s makes the outline of your balls look. Friends like us at No You Are who will tell you how wonderful/horrifying it can be to fuck your mom, and more importantly, friends like the guys at the Jason Ellis show, who can turn a dog training device into a reason to travel to Vegas and watch a bunch of people get punched in the face. The show started today with talk about how even if you’re in a wheelchair you can still be a sick cunt. You can even go to extremechairing.org and find out how if that’s what you really want to do. Or you can ask yourself why the hell dogs keep eating fresh turds and ponder how fucked up nature is for way too much of a day that could be spent on more productive things. The guys watched a video of Ryan Dungey and some French shithead going through a rhythm section and Dungey unfortunately was not the victor, despite the fact that KTM sucks and French people are fucking lame. But if you were wondering why dogs eat shit, it’s to make up for digestive enzymes that they may be lacking. Rude Jude stopped by to talk baldness and how bad of a driver he is. Ellis caught him shitting all over himself trying to back into his parking space, but Jude swears it’s just a depth perception problem. Nothing like Josh “The Natural” Richmond. However Jude may be getting a chance to put that title to the test whenever Ellis can finish sorting out the logistics of a go kart race for the entire crew. The guys took some calls about moto and who was riding what and how much money Red Bull put down for a shakedown lap on some dirt just to have a place too hang some banners. Jude is getting called to come up to New York more often to try and sort out issues on his show, but if you don’t want to wait for that to happen you can always catch him on the forreallyshow podcast. Jude admitted that he’s not a “man’s man” just for the fact that he’s no good with tools and doesn’t do extreme shit like jumping a flaming dirt bike off a 100 foot cock shaped ramp into a 20 foot plywood cutout of a herpes infected vagina, and things like that. Ellis admits that he’s not too much of one himself, but that Katie probably likes him a lot more for having sweet ass tattoos and being able to correctly punch somebody in the face. But none of that matters if you get attacked by a bear, cause Josh could probably take a marmot, but a mountain lion would be an unmatched rival and a bear would basically have him for a snack. And if you get talk robbed, you’re probably not the most physically superior specimen, but losing a wallet sure beats getting stabbed, especially with today’s rising costs of emergency health care. And it’s probably fair to say that Rawdog wouldn’t be the first to try and protect his girlfriend or tell her not to back down, but he might take a punch in the face for her if the offending person/wild predator looks like a fair match for him. Jason started telling some story about visiting a Tijuana crack house and I forget exactly how it came about but it was something to do with how people don’t fuck with you as much when you’re a stupid friendly hick, even when the people are kind of questionable to start with, like Tijuana crack dealers. Some dude called in claiming to have little man syndrome but it turns out the dude is over six foot tall and is just generally an asshole, but he does know about how most of the population is pretty self absorbed and wouldn’t look twice at you if you were vomiting gold nuggets and sprouting vaginas on every square inch of your body. Then Rawdog told him he was writing checks his ass can’t cash and he started popping off really at nothing for no reason at all and Henry Winkler was mentioned as a possible contender for a back alley knife fight but then they all patched it up. Jaosn had a dream that Katie got eaten by a shark, but since you can do anything in your dreams I’m sure it finished with Ellis riding down a mega ramp on that fucker’s back with a fresh pair of limited edition Globe Sharksies, the new surf/skate crossover shoe. Tully was talking about having nightmares after drinking a Blue Moon before bed and everybody else just had to believe he wasn’t drunk enough to properly turn it off, the way real alcoholics do. Jude hasn’t done ketamine in over a month, but he’s thinking of going back to it because eBay is way more fun with psychoactive animal medications. Jude also hasn’t driven a stick shift in so long that his ass hymen is growing back and he’s feeling like that’s one of those things you should just learn. Josh wants to learn to drive an actual stick, because he’s one of those guys who’s deeply rooted in his fantasies and seems to be having plenty of fun with that so I guess the joke’s on all of us. The guys talked a little more about the fight or flight response and how quickly everyone might surprise themselves one way or the other and either jump on the grenade or hot-potato that fucker right into their newborn child’s stroller. People called in with stories about fucked up dreams from drinking Blue Moon and grizzly bear attacks and tall dudes with short man complexes (AKA lying shitheads who just want a special name for being a cunt satchel). One guy said he fought a bear with a shovel in his garage or some shit but luckily after that the park rangers showed up and hauled the bear off to some different wilderness to keep it from trying to be domesticated. Oh, and fuck possums, we need room for sweatshops. Let’s thrash out to some A7X and see about making that happen.

 

Hey, when’s the last time you heard some news about crystal meth? Well today, there’s a story circulating about some british dude who was handed a bottle of some sort of fruit drink from his daughter, but when he drank it it ended up being a ruse! It was actually a bottle of liquified meth disguised for some dealer refine and sell at a later time. Apparently, it got mailed to the house but to someone else’s name, and the daughter just held on to it for a few years cause why the hell not? Well, young lady, you don’t do shit like that cause if you’re dad takes a swill of liquid crystal meth, it will not likely quench his thirst, more likely it’ll just kill him. But hey, what a way to go, guzzling $55,000 worth of liquid meth and then exploding all over your adult offspring in your peaceful English home. Speaking of English people, there’s nothing more British than parkour, and what better way to let it milk our prostates than to have Ellis and company film their own parkour videos! It was at this point that I had built up a fuckload of delay on the online player from constantly pausing to answer phones and deal with customers at work, and then had to try and break into a customer’s car for half an hour after I was already supposed to be on my way home, but luckily, the on demand never came up last night, so I couldn’t write about all the details of this experiment in free running (AKA walking with flair), but fortunately for you all, there’s instagram videos from Ellis and company to get the point across of how lame and figure skating-like this sport really is. I’d love to say more about it, but I don’t own enough neon track suits or five-toe shoes to report on it in a way that would do justice to how unlike a French military tactic it really is. That said, there was probably lots of hilarious comments on it and a music break shortly after. And at some point in the show, Lisa Donelly (the female voice of the Triple D) stopped by to hang and chat and share some of her latest music with the boys. She’s a pretty cool lady, if you’ve ever had the chance to meet her, so good for her and everything she’s doing.

 

Yelawolf stopped by the show today to hang out and chat with the guys. He also brought along his tour manager Bobby Straight-Edge, whose face is riddled with tattoos but in a really awesome way so it’s not like he’s a serial killer or anything. The folks chatted about Bobby Straight-Edge’s head sleeve and being a tour manager for Yelawolf and the many adventures it can bring about, like prison and living two doors over from the Amish in Lancaster, PA. Ellis and Yelawolf talked for a while about music and how Jason never shows up to support, even though he was there at the House of Blues and hung out with him in the green room. If you didn’t catch it recently, Yelawolf did a project with Travis Barker that was pretty successful (and actually decent to listen to) and he’s got a great respect for how Travis bangs the skins. Yelawolf doesn’t make bad decisions with the money he makes from touring and music, like fancy cars and huge homes, but he does put a lot of it down on the booze cause god damn it it’s nice to party like a rock star, especially if you actually are a rock star. Yel’s got all his shit in storage right now cause banks are full of shitheads and won’t let a person with bad credit buy a house in cash, but even if you can’t buy a home you can always skate your balls off then play a show and see if a groupie’s got some free couch space. Seeing as Yelawolf was in studio, it was only fair that he ask about the Wolfknives, so Ellis explained how it used to be a scooter gang until some rat bastard Mongolian pulled out in traffic and fucked his scooter in the ass sideways, but it’s still a sweet ass logo to slap on a T-shirt. Ellis told Yel about his band and how they’ve got a new album coming out but there’s no way that Yelawolf fans are gonna go for a comedy metal opener at his next show. Before he had to take off, Yela gave the boys a copy of his new album and gave a shout out to some of the mixtapes and collabs he’s got in progress/about to come out soon/out now. They played a track and had a nice time breaking down the well cut samples and flowing with the sweet honky rhyme scheme. And lemme go ahead and take back that groupies comment, cause it turns out Yelawolf has a fiance and doesn’t fuck around with hoes, cause they really are an army of drama laden idiots and I can vouch for that, but apparently you’re not supposed to admit that when you’re in the rap game. After that, Death!Death!Die! gave us a taste of their new album by playing us Butt Town, featuring AJ from the Backstreet Boys. After a whole lot of chit chat about the creative process and sound scan and how stupid Jay-Z was for trying to get an album to go platinum before release, that is. But anyway, back to the song, so if you like Backstreet Boys and dick and fart jokes you’d probably love it, or if you like each of those exclusively you have a 70-30 chance of liking it. Or if you’re like me and are shackled to the fuck worthless SiriusXM online player and didn’t get to hear it, you’ll have to go by twitter’s reaction which was generally “how fucking high are all of you idiots that you would actually charge money for this song?” So, seeing as New Music Tuesday may or may not have happened, that’ll have to suffice for my normal hateful music reviews.

 

There were some elections last week, and you might be shocked to know that the political system is so fucked that now we’re electing convicted felons. Apparently, it’s not enough that Washington D.C. reelected a crack addict 3 times, but Michigan went ahead and voted in a murderer. The guys talked a while about iPhone cases and the sweet stealth battery one that Jason has and how much better it would be if it was made of black marble with an RDS logo in rubies, and still kept the battery from draining out in six hours. And since I was wrong about them playing that song Butt Town, let me retract another statement and just say that I’m probably still gonna load that song on my MP3 player, but I’m almost guaranteed to skip it every time it comes up. Although it was nice to finally hear a musician sing about stuffing their toes in someone’s cunt. And that saxophone hook was everything great about the 80’s smeared in shit and cum. And Rawdog out creeped himself on every line, despite the fact that according to Shoebox he sounds like a goat. So, maybe the rest of the album will take some growing on you except the few tracks we’ve heard that we already do or don’t like. And while we’re talking strange sex, Pakistan is using trannies to go door to door to collect taxes, cause only 1% of the people actually do it, and 100% don’t want to be seen associating with trannies and will gladly pay to keep them from hanging around too long. There was some chatting about using Butt Town to market Butt Water, cause why the tap dancing fuck not? And if you can make a million dollars selling tap water that’s been run down your ass crack then why not throw a giant middle finger at the world and fart in a five gallon cooler tank? And what better use for butt water than demanding your doctor give you a prostate exam? According to Tully, getting a prostate exam will give you the sensation of needing to urinate and defecate all at the same time, but if you do have cancer it will be like the doctor stabbing himself in the hand with a soldering iron. The guys talked about the McRib for a while, cause we Americans are dumb enough to treat this thing like the second coming of Lesus Christ and nobody has gotten wise to the fact that it’s obviously a turd that’s been run through a Play-Doh mold. But hey, at least it’s not as bad as the meatball lasagne pie sub from Subway. The guys took some final calls that were slightly abridged due to the morning replay, but probably not worth listening to anyway cause that’s just how they are a lot of the time, and after that I slowly died on the inside a little cause I had to get back to a life of customer service and fielding asshole telemarketer calls. But on the plus side, it’s payday and I slept like absolute shit last night, and I’m running out of clean socks and underwear, but god damn if it isn’t almost lunchtime and time for another rollicking good episode of TJES in a few minutes. Have a good one folks!

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 11/11/2013

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my_only_friend

Shout out to NYA’s only reader. Our only friend.

Hello Bungday, we meet again. Hello readers, we meet again. Hello walls, how’d things go for you today? The shit you hear inside your head maybe like what a snake hears via it’s belly. Who fucking knows, science? SOMEONE GET ON THAT, PRONTO! Dingo has a sweet gold chain on today, so says Ellis. Rawdog has a replica of a chain like Dingos, it’s plastic, painted gold, and from a fair or some shit – you know, baller status shit. The studio is moist today, so is Dingo, and people in the Philippines, so shout out to them – but fuck that typhoon Haiya, no shout out for that typhoon. Fall Out Boy shout out the Philippines, Tully even saw them tweet it, still, no shout out to Fall Out Boy either. Dingo went snowboarding on Saturday and got shit-whipped. Dingo also agree’s that Katie has a great ass, no homo. People see your face differently than you see your face, which is why everyone seems to ask you, “what’s up with your fucking face?” If you got a true mirror, where your image is reversed so you can see yourself like others see you, then you too can hold your vomit back. Just kidding. I’m sure you look splendid. Very pretty. Beautiful even.

pet_goats_pap_smears

More titles to read to your children at bedtime.

Ellis bought his kids the Shaun White skateboard ramps, because… Well, I don’t know why. Whatever. Anyway, he had parenting stuff this weekend, Tiger kicked some goals – not that kind – but literal goals in soccer, 6 to be exact. Some stinky kid was there. Nobody said shit to Stinky McGee, but everyone was waiting for him to burst into a shit-smelling cloud of nasty. Tiger scored on Smelly Turd-Turd which made daddy proud because red-headed Greasy Shitfartington was being a fuck knuckle. Tully met Thomas the Train. I remember when my kid was into that shit, it fuckin’ sucks and it’s even kinda creepy. Anyway, he got serious douche chills because of all the shame and passive-aggressive behavior that show teaches children, but now it was in real-life form, right in front of him. Rawdog did not meet Thomas, instead, he mentioned The Berenstain Bears and how he thinks it was a Christian based cartoon. And if anyone needs Jesus, it’s all y’all motherfuckers and Mr. Adultery himself, Rawdog.1 Actually, he’s not Mr. Adultery for the time being as he broke up with Karla over the weekend. You can tell he’s bummed, but it sounds like he also felt it was for the best, but of course still feels bad about it.

hurry_up_and_finish

Pretty much everyone’s face when they’re trying to hurry up and finish masturbating.

Tully finally came clean. No, he’s never fucked Wilson’s ex-wife. He did however tell us that the new Death! Death! Die! album is planned to come out of the proverbial closet2 on Tuesday November 26th and there will be an on-air release party. He also says that the website should be updated within the next day or two where the album will be on pre-sale for you to pre-order and pre-cum. Also, he’s never bought a chick a dildo, but has bought plenty of vibrators. For women. And nothing too crazy, like a vibrating fist or Thor hammer. Also, he’s the best total package his wife has ever met. He thinks. Actually he feels really confident about that, he might not be the best cocksmith, but it was enough to rock his wife’s world. But as everyone knows, the real test for any marriage is the Rawdog test. If Rawdog bangs your wife and she doesn’t go back to him, you won. But if her Rawdog appetite is insatiable, you’re fucked – and not in a good way. Oh, and chicks that are too hard to make cum, that’s on them, not you. I mean, as long as you’re trying and not a total dick, or treating them in a way they don’t want to be treated. Also, its okay if the chick tells you that she needs to finger herself or she’s not gonna be able to cum. Lots of chicks can’t cum with just a cock jammed in their wee-wat. If you’re not okay with it, maybe you need some therapy. Or maybe she hates you and your smelly balls. Who knows, but you better ask somebody.3

wait_what_is_that

Wait. What? Hendo got knocked out?

A new draft of the California bill to force porn stars to wear condoms is out, now they want porn stars to wear goggles. Which clearly is an attempt to force the porn industry to make more material for the goggle-fetish porn fans and screw over the jizz on my eyeball-fetish porn fans. Ken Block isn’t in porn, but he does have a new video out today, Gymkhana SIX, and it does not star Vin Diesel, or Rob Dyrdek. Ken called into the show and confirmed that indeed, his new video came out today, but he said nothing about not being in porn – so what I’m saying here is that he might actually be in porn.4 Vitor Belfort and Dan Henderson fought over the weekend and Vitor won by TKO in the first round, which might have included the very first time Hendo has been knocked out, even if just for a second. Jeremy Stephens won by knockout 40 seconds into the fight with a head kick. Want more MMA news? Head on over to your favorite MMA news website. What? No. I don’t have one to suggest to you, do your own damn clicking. Moving on, a Russian performance artist freaked out tourists when we nailed his nads to the street. He said it was a metaphor for Russian society, but nobody gets it. Red Bull is not in porn, but they too have a video out. Actually, they have a lot of videos, but this one is about a half-mile long supercross rhythm section.

wow

How’d you react to the show logos that you couldn’t see? Be honest.

Ellis needs a logo for the show, and not the one on the show’s signature cum rag. So they sent Wilson some logos and before he even showed anyone, he sent them shits back because they looked like hell. Before we could get into logos though, Wilson’s wearing a Sam Rubin style watch that was given to him by a phone company to switch his service. Now, back to logos that we can’t see. Wilson flipped through several options and gave minimal descriptions for the listener’s, such as “then there’s this one” which really gave everyone a good visual representation of the logos. Ellis had a meeting with his new manager today, sounds like he’s stoked and thinks it will be beneficial to errybody. NFL talk time, Rawdog won this weekends round of bets with Tully on who would win, someone was supposed to get shocked or something and Ellis read a portion from his book. Oh, and racism. I have no idea how all this ties into to one another, I didn’t catch all of that part so you’ll just have to suffer. Hey, remember that site Ashley Madison? Some Brazilian chick is suing them for 20 million because her wrists hurt from typing up so many fake profiles for the site. And before I forget, OH!5

Footnotes:
1 Just joking. That pretty much puts me in the clear, right?
2 I know, that makes little to no sense. Just roll with it.
3 Or don’t. See if I give a shit.
4 Eww.
5 What’s the difference between a baby and a watermelon? Babies can get cancer.

yeah_i_said_it

Show Recap for Friday, 11/8/2013

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So here we are again, seems like it was just a week ago since we last met. Ellis started off calling us all a bunch of pussies and that makes him hard. And he cries blood, reddragons. They got into the topic that Joanna brought up yesterday by mistake and Josh came clean and it turns out that Carla is married and josh is the boy toy side bitch. The dean cry“friend” that got drugged at Ellismania 9 was actually her husband and that is why she threw such a bitch fit about it. Josh was gonna tell Ellis but he, Jason, and Carla didn’t like each other quickly so he pussed out and didn’t. Basically Rawdog fucked up by not bring honest from the start and nothing pisses Jason off more than lying, but Josh is young and stupid and maybe in the future he will just tell it straight. Thomas Hayden Church called in and gave us his two cents on the entire situation way back from the beginning and spread his wisdom upon us like a busty girl in a bukakke film. And Tully’s wife has two other husbands. bieber_and_ellis

Somehow Ellis thinks that Elvis created Jackass through The Beatles and Pantera, so when you’re laughing at Steve O setting his butthole on fire, thank the King. African travelers were traveling through Africa as African Travelers do, got a delightful video of a warthog at a watering hole. Ellis was on TV yesterday after the show, if you didn’t know that it’s probably because you don’t have Instagram. Everything seemed to go well, behind the scenes and all that shit. He did make some broad all pissy though when he said obesephoto (10) people are stupid. Dr. Drew settled the crowd and reigned in the haters and then brought in a man who knows the ins and outs of fat people, Jerry Springer. Then I started day dreaming about riding Battle Cat on top of all these fucking cars instead of sitting in traffic but was snapped back when they stated talking about pants that made bad asses good and good asses great. Unless your ass is a total train wreck, then like Slipknot said, all hope is gone. That and I want to shove my fingers into my eyes.

Rawdog’s NFL Talk took a slight turn today. Josh a and Tully are going to pick five teams to win and the loser will have to get electrocuted every time Jason fucks up while reading from his book. I was gonna share the picks with you but I don’t give a fuck and if you don’t like that feel free to email a comment to our complaint department at yourmomsbutthole@thatsherbutthole.com.au.

Pot News. Brandon Coats got fired from Dish after failing a random drug test in Colorado, and he actually needs it unlike your stoner ass. But unfortunately it’s all legit. Even though Colorado legalized it, the Feds haven’t, the fuckin man strikes again. That’s about it for Pot News, next, callers and just general rambling that changes too quick to put in this recap. But go ahead and talk among yourselves, I’ll wait. Now that you’re done chit-chatting its time for Reverse Award nominees. Again, like before I just said fuck it, check out the morning replay on SiriusXM Faction 41 from 6-8am Pacific.

And the award for the Least Creepy goes to...

And the award for the Least Creepy goes to…

Jason Newsted everybody! [applause] Last time Jason visited Jason, Jason had a new EP out and brought it to Jason and Jason loved it. Now Jason came in to Jason’s show to tell Jason about his tours and rockin out and kickin ass. Jason also talked about always performing sober and kickin ass. Also Jason talked about doing a shit ton of shows and kickin ass. Jason also told Jason about kickin ass and kickin ass. Jason also told Jason about Jason’s new video for Jason’s song, King Of The Underdogs on YouTube.

Hey dumbass, now there’s bacon scented deodorant just in case you weren’t enough of a virgin. At this point my Sirius App crapped out but I went to one of my most reliable sources, twitter and I asked, “My Sirius app shit itself after the Newstead interview and bacon deodorant. Anything cool happen with Cory?” These were the replies,

@CrackerStacker6: @AZ_RedDragon there is a kiddie porn ring in Hollywood made up of executives who molest child stars

@bitPimps: @AZ_RedDragon He talked about childhood rape. Said he’s been off hard drugs & alcohol for 20 years, but seemed like he did a few bumps.

@CrackerStacker6: @AZ_RedDragon his song sucks.

@bitPimps: @AZ_RedDragon Blamed Hollywood and media for his downfall, & for his “party” image even though made a video of him partying. He fucks a lot.

@bitPimps: @AZ_RedDragon Has a 9-year-old he’s probably delusional about. And he looks like Skrillex.

@tank_yanker: @AZ_RedDragon just cory… blah blah.. shitty music, Michael Jackson, blah blah…

There you have it folks, the Friday recap. Now you’re at the part where I make a joke about yer mum but it’s Friday and I don’t give a fuck, unlike yer mum, OH!

Show Recap for Thursday, 11/7/2013

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I’m trying to think of a clever opening line for this and failing miserably. Boom. But that’s kind of okay because the keys of a keyboard are kind of like buttons and sometimes you have to press buttons that you don’t remember pressing because you are stupid, or getting old, or have some sort of disease or something- Jason Ellis. And, really, when it comes down to it I am both blonde and a female, so…yeah…stupidity abounds (and I can say that shit because I am female and blonde, and like Jews, we are allowed to make fun of ourselves). Ellis opens up the show talking about getting older and all of the things that go wrong with your body and how you have to stay lubed up on the inside because when shit starts stiffening up is when you start dying. Ellis is going to be an old man with sick swagger because he’s broken his nose so many times it looks like a penis, he has a ridiculously awesome head tattoo, and he’s going to be a multimillionaire with a wrinkly face full of tattoos and wear a suit. Tully talks about how you have to give old guys their props when they go through life sticking to whatever style speaks to them, such as the people who have spent their lives shopping at Boot Barn, or Hair Metal guys who didn’t bitch out and shave their heads when Hair Metal stopped being cool. But, if you’re 40 and a goth and you haven’t gained fame and fortune from being a goth, please wash your face and get a haircut, because that shit is for high schoolers.

Rawdog is looking to change up his look (probably because it takes overall less effort than changing his abysmal eating habits) and wants to start rockin suits on the reg- so long as they are tailored by an old Italian guy named Giuseppe who does a fair amount of fondling during the fittings. He talks about how he considers himself a comic which gets a resounding “You are not a comic you’re just…some guy” from Ellis, which Tully agrees with because comics have to be on and able to throw a funny on any subject matter. Tully tells Rawdog that he is a radio personality, but concedes it would be comical for Josh to walk around in suits handing out business cards touting his comedic abilities. Rawdog also brings to the conversation that he thinks that all three of them should wear matching suits while hosting the show as a throw back to the oh so classy do-wop bands of back in the day. Um…no. Tully is perfectly happy wearing jeans every day and Ellis in a suit is just some tattooed guy who looks like he had a court date in the morning and didn’t have time to change.

Ellis took Tiger to school this morning and played with him in the classroom before the teacher got there. Some other parents were there with their kids, but Ellis had no interest in chatting it up with them (and I don’t blame him because I hate talking to people who think we have something in common because we are in the vicinity of children) so he and Tigs played with a bunch of buttons on a table which did nothing and the younger Ellis said it was lame. However, one of the parents took the opportunity to talk to Jason and say how a couple of weeks ago her husband was at the school DJ-ing a little kiddie dance party. Which is so not lame. Also, Tiger made waves and was crowned the King of Kiddie Dance Party Time by headbanging to the music, making all the little girls swoon. Is anyone surprised about Tiger’s inherent awesomeness? No. He has Ellis blood running through his veins and he’s a hardcore little long-haired tyke who is too much of a man to wear his long hair in a ponytail. Ellis tells a story about his mom getting him a job as a bar back and he hated it because he had to wear a shirt and tie and his hair in a ponytail, and says he would have been so embarrassed by someone he knew seeing him that way.

Wilson is getting laid. In fact, he probably got laid last night, so no wonder he’s such a happy go lucky guy. Who isn’t a little happier when they’re plowing with impunity and getting blown like it’s no big? Although, it must be a strange feeling to send dick pics to someone who actually wants them…

Tully regales us with a tale from Twitter. Apparently he follows Jared (the guy who lost all that weight in the 90’s by eating Subway everyday and has kept the weight off with a steady Subway diet) and Jared tweeted how he was sosososososo close to 5000 followers and his 5000th follower would receive a signed $10 Subway gift card. Following proper Twitter etiquette, Tully promptly unfollowed Jared, re-tweeted him a bunch of times to get other people to follow Jared while constantly refreshing Twitter to make sure he could be the 5000th follower and get that sweet ass gift card (because that’s TWO five dollar foot longs, mother-fucker). Unfortunately, though his timing was not to be blamed, Tully wound up being the 5009th follower, and lost the gift card to @theblackitalian. Come on, dude, you know the right thing to do. Ellis brings up getting Jared on the show, but maybe that’s not a great idea because while the idea of Jared is hilarious, the person a pud. I mean…being famous for losing weight eating mediocre subway sandwiches may actually be worse than being famous for being famous in the grand scheme of things. But, it would be funny to log on to Ellismania.com and watch a video of Jared and Tully sharing a sub Lady and the Tramp style.

In the Jewish religion…you just die. Rawdog informs Jason that the Jews don’t have a heaven and their faith is about living the present life to the fullest because nothing comes after. Which makes sense. It’s not enough to make me convert to Judaism or anything, but it does make sense. Tully talks about how Jews spend a lot of their money giving back to their communities and thinks it is a genuinely good gesture and yeah, they should get a commemorative plaque for it. If they aren’t going to go to heaven when they die, at least they can live on inscribed on a wall somewhere. Tully broke down the evolution of some major religions is a great way, talking about how Pagans believed that the gods existed and didn’t care about humans more than as a source of entertainment for boredom, Jews believe in God and having a relationship with God, and Christians believe that God loves them and loves them so much that after they die they get to go to Heaven and chill with him for eternity. Yeah…someone thinks a little highly of themselves. Will Scientology evolve to be the next big religion? Maybe. But probably not. For every successful major religion there are countless failed ones…and Scientology really doesn’t have that great of a start considering Ron L. Hubbard was a relatively well known Science Fiction writer…besides, there are many things in our secular world that can be worshipped- like money, sex, and celebs. I think Rawdog is kind of right in saying that celebrities these days are kind of like the Greek gods…they are talked about, fawned over, killed for, and have sex scandals…sounds like some good foundations for Mythology to me.

Speaking of celebrities…Ellis told Katie that she should ask the Maddens (Benji, Joel, and Nicole) where to go to get her hair done, because even if it’s expensive she can get some tips from the hairdresser and she doesn’t want to go to the stylist who did his ex-wife’s hair (because, hello awkward). Being the great guy that he is, he offers to pay for it since they both knew that it would be expensive. How expensive? They ballparked $300 worth of expensive. They were kind of right in the way that if you double that they almost had the right amount. Yeah…for anyone out there who isn’t a mathlete and aren’t sure about that calculation…the haircut cost $650. Holy shitfuck. Let me tell you something…I’m a girl…I have short hair…it costs me twenty freaking dollars to get my hair done!!! Including tip!!!! I would have died on the spot…or somehow tried to figure out how to return a haircut. But Ellis took the news in his stride and simply told Katie that her hair looked great. Good move, Ellismate…good move.

A not so good move was laughing when Devin told him that his underwear was found under Mummy’s couch. Um…what? A pair of boxers were found under Ellis’s ex-wife’s couch by the babysitter and Devin decides to tell Daddy about it while Katie is in the kitchen and not quite out of ear shot. And Ellis, after being confused for a minute, laughed because he knew that they were so absurdly not actually his underwear under the couch since he hasn’t even taken his shoes off under that roof. Katie gave him a ‘really’ face, but Ellis gave her a ‘really’ laugh, because this is the first time in his life that he has not been cheating in a relationship and he’s not about to feel guilty over something that he didn’t do. Ellis sent a text to his ex who also LOL-ed over it and the issue was dropped because Ellis doesn’t even care enough to know whose underwear it was. All Ellis is trying to do is be the ultimate radio show man, the ultimate father, and the ultimate overall version of him. And yeah…the Ultimate Father would be a cool reality show, but The Ultimate Mother would be fucking insane. It would be the Real Housewives meets the mothers from Toddlers in Tiara’s, with a good dash of Road Rules/Real World Challenge thrown in. For the win.

After the break the guys come back to revisit a story they talked about a day or so ago regarding a man in New Mexico who, after being pulled over by local police and observed clenching his buttcheeks, was subjected to hours of probing, enemas, x-rays, and endoscopy to find drugs he was allegedly hiding in his butt somewhere…that didn’t actually exist. Why did the story pop back up? Because a second man has come forward from the same area stating that he was subjected to the same treatment after a similar traffic stop. Both incidences involved the use of a K-9 drug sniffing dog who indicated the men had drugs on their person, which gave the judge probable cause to sign a warrant for the procedures to be performed. But, a big BTW, the dog in question’s certification lapsed in April 2011, over a year before the first incident. Some more problems with this situation? The officers took the man to one hospital where the doctors flat out refused to perform the procedures so they took him to a second one which was out of the county (invalidating the warrant) which took so long the warrant expired before they got there. Not enough drama for you yet? Well, this man spent the next few hours undergoing multiple x-rays, two invasive cavity searches, three enemas, and a colonoscopy (presumably in the presence of a partridge and a pear tree because…of course). Oh, and let me say again, they found NO DRUGS. So, this guy was anally raped by doctors acting on orders of policemen with permission from a judge on evidence from an outdated (?) drug sniffing dog for the heinous offense of squeezing muscles in his butt after being pulled over for rolling a stop sign in a fucking parking lot. There’s no coming back from that shit. ANNNNNNNNNND…now there’s some guy who came forward alleging that this shit has happened more than once. It’s not aliens in New Mexico, guys, it’s the cops…all those people just didn’t think anyone would believe them. Multiple calls were taken on the subject and everyone agrees that it was excessive (even though we really don’t know the whole story) except, i think, for a State Trooper, and hopefully this guy gets a ridiculous settlement from the police and the hospital (who billed him for his rape) and a bunch of these assholes get fired and New Mexico police institute some sort of competency standard or a better system of anal search checks and balances.

After talking about this Ellis decides that when he grows up he wants to be a vigilante Detective Robin Hood so that he can turn people’s lives away from crime using some torture and choice words. He thinks that if you bring someone to the edge of death and tell them to turn their lives around that they’ll listen, because almost dying tends to make people want to live better. Rawdog wants to vicariously enjoy the vigilante lifestyle so he volunteers to be Ellis’s remote hacker, which will end up with them both being caught as Rawdog tries to Google how to hack electronic locks.

Time for Moto News!!! There’s gonna be a race!! In Paris, France. The fans are excited and Wil Hahn has been training and he feels comfortable and ready. Moto News- TJES will bring it up and talk about it even if nothing is going on. What to take away from this? There is going to be a race, there will be dirt, Wil Hahn is ready, and it’s in France.The End. The fact that I’m not joking kind of makes it funny.

Now, the moment that we have all been waiting for for some time now. The real story behind Rawdog’s youthful circle jerk. Here’s the sitch- back when Josh was still Josh and not also Rawdog and was in middle school he had some friends over on Thanksgiving, whom we will only know as Felix and Oscar. After filling up their bellies with yummy Thanksgiving goodness, they play some computer games and hang out in Josh’s room where they start looking at French Playboy’s from Josh’s family trip to France earlier in they year. They were gifted to him by his Belgian Stepfather (which is really a whole other story that needs to be told after Rawdog sees a hypnotherapist to recall those memories) and the boys talk about their jerking off habits while leafing through the pages and reading passages aloud to each other in pubescent voices and poorly enunciated French, fantasizing about what the fuck it says. Felix (who years later turns out to be gay) is who initiates the jerk-off conversation and states he beats the meat, “like five times a day, NBD” and Oscar and Josh both tout their own jacking off habits. Skipping ahead to bedtime, the boys are all laying around in the dark shooting the pre-sleepy time shit when Felix things it would be funny for them all to jerk off together to see who finishes first. Oscar is down for it because, why not, and Josh, although feeling weird about it agrees to partake with a resounding “Okay”. Felix finishes first (since obviously he was already halfway there the entire night to begin with), Oscar comes in a close second (haha…comes…get it?), and Josh is last…which no one can fault him for since he was probably intimidated in the presence of the older 13 year olds.  A year later while they’re all hanging out Josh decides to bring up the incident which causes the trio to promise that they will keep the events of that night a secret for the rest of time. Or until now. Cause, way to go,Josh.

A video has surfaced online taken by a Brazilian girl which features Justin Bieber sleeping and said Brazilian girl blowing a kiss to the camera, which has sent the rumor mill a-buzzing. Because some people actually care about this shit. And they’re probably all underage. Is this girl a stalker? A brazilian prostitute? A creepy/lucky fan? How did she get in his room? Why doesn’t the kiss she blows the camera say “I fucked him” definitively enough? Why didn’t someone see her doing this? Isn’t he always with security? Isn’t his security all about telling people to not take pics of the Biebs? I don’t know and I don’t fucking care and no one else should either. Although, I guess I can see the allure if celebs are an allegory for Pagan gods, but I’m also an atheist so I still think it’s fucking stupid. In way funnier and more interesting news a man has been arrested after using a tazer on his wife. Which, yeah, okay, that’s not really funny or interesting until this next part where it was agreed upon in the terms of a bet on a football team between the hubbs and wifey. After getting tazed bitch was none to pleased and called the cops who arrested the guy because it’s a crime to use a tazer on someone, even if they agreed to it and admit that they agreed to it. Probably because people have died from that shit. And yeah, that makes it funny to me. In some more random news, Arianna Grande (singer/actress) gave an interview to a magazine recently where she told a story about encounters with demons, basically labeling herself as batshit insane. She encountered the demonic presence initially in Kanasas, which then followed her to her hotel room a couple weeks later where she was confronted with growling, rumbling noises, dark shadows, and feelings of dread to the point where she cried and fell asleep apologizing to the dark spirits while on the phone with a friend. Ellis, Tully, and Rawdog then break down that bitches who see ghosts are cool, bitches who see bigfoot are gnarly, and bitches who see demons have some mummy and daddy issues. And, in case you weren’t sure you were being harassed by a demonic presence, there are some surefire signs to either settle your mind or terrify you to death which Rawdog googled, but I re-googled and found them for you here. You’re welcome. Or I apologize for enabling your laziness.

Time for some guests because Joanna Angel and her friend Lindsay have found the new studio!!!! Joanna thinks the new studio is crazy and feels kind of weird there, but her and Lindsay agree that the couch from Grant Cobb is awesome, and Tully takes their picture on it because theirs are the first female asses to touch it. Joanna Angel has a Fleshlight which you should go and buy because we’re all friends here and there’s no need to pretend that you aren’t in to that sort of thing. She mentions that she didn’t realize how long it’s been since she’s been on the show until she met Karla (Josh’s girlfriend…you know…Rawdog? Rawdog’s girlfriend) which I believe happened at Ellismania. During this 10 minute meeting Karla told Joanna what turns out to be a secret that Joanna brings up, not knowing that it was a secret since Karla told her about it off the cuff after talking to her for 10 minutes, which Rawdog promises to tell Ellis off of the air. Ellis is a little miffed that Joanna is apparently in deeper with Karla after a chat than he is with Rawdog after being friends with him for years. But whatever. If you were ever wondering what Ellis would be like as a chick, you need look no further than Joanna’s friend Lindsay. Ellis says that he follows her on twitter and instagram (and no I didn’t get her handle because I was trying to run my kid to the toilet so he didn’t vomit on the floor for the 3rd time during the show because he doesn’t like the ‘just in case’ bowl) and she and her girlfriend remind him of himself and Katie. Joanna and Lindsay then assist in a re-enactement of Rawdog’s boyhood circle jerk (scroll up a paragraph or two if you don’t remember) and Joanna gets comfortable in the studio, lying on the floor portraying Oscar, because a good guest shows up, but a great guest gets into character.

Ellis is, or rather was (at this point) on HLN with Dr. Drew tonight and hopefully you tuned in to watch him Live in his awesomeness talking about subjects in the news like the mayor of Toronto who refuses to stop drinking, stop smoking crack, and stop being mayor. How will Ellis be introduced on the show? Why, as Jason Ellis- Sirius XM Host, Author, Pro-Skateboarder, and Philanthropist, of course. Ellis took a minute to spell it all out, and didn’t understand why Tully said it was ironic that Ellis asked how to spell ‘author’, but that’s one of the many reasons we love the man, isn’t it? He didn’t let not really being able to read stop him from being a NY Times Best Selling Author. Red Dragons.

Time for final calls, where final caller Jory (like Cory, but with a J and a big dick) doesn’t die and tells us about being in a truck stop in France where the big trucker at the urinal next to him stares him down while jacking off, but Jory doesn’t do anything but keep peeing because they guy doesn’t try to touch him and that’s cool, sometimes you gotta get your shit done and he isn’t homophobic. He does have a douchebag older brother who got him and his friend drunk on 99 Bananas when they were too young, pretended the cops showed up and had him and his friend guzzle ketchup and mustard to avoid arrest. But it’s okay, cause they threw up in his bed.

Things we learned today:

Cullen is better than Tim Armstrong

Wilson’s knee is swollen from all the pussy pounding he’s doing

Mitzvah’s are for everyone

There’s a massive hurricane hitting the Phillipines’…so massive that it’s the largest hurricane ever recorded with expected 235 mph winds (keep your fingers crossed for those guys, in other words)

Tim Kennedy won his MMA fight, but the Troops he did it for were the real winners

Starbucks is giving vets free tall coffees on Veteran’s Day

Bitches be triflin’

Ellis jacked off while staring down a seal…in the ocean…on a jet ski

Over the years, Rawdog has ejaculated enough to fill 2 1/2 2 liter soda bottles

Ellis believes in gluten free donuts

Tully misses being young and dating crazy chicks

When Lindsay bends over to take off her shoes, everyone is a winner

When Lindsay orgasms in real life and simulated situations she says “Success” and “Thank you”

Rawdog thinks the circle jerk situation was creepy once Tully is narrating it…and yeah, Felix was gay the whole time

You have to be mature to be a slut

And in case you didn’t know, or in case you forgot, there’s a contest being held here at No You Are which is sponsored by Onnit and you should enter because how fucking sweet is that?!?!?!?!?!?!? Remember, all the answers can be found here on the site. May the odds be ever in your favor ;)