It’s always good to have people you can depend on, folks. The kind of friends who will tuck your prolapse back in after an aggressive experiment in fisting, or tell you how well a pair of Lululemon’s makes the outline of your balls look. Friends like us at No You Are who will tell you how wonderful/horrifying it can be to fuck your mom, and more importantly, friends like the guys at the Jason Ellis show, who can turn a dog training device into a reason to travel to Vegas and watch a bunch of people get punched in the face. The show started today with talk about how even if you’re in a wheelchair you can still be a sick cunt. You can even go to extremechairing.org and find out how if that’s what you really want to do. Or you can ask yourself why the hell dogs keep eating fresh turds and ponder how fucked up nature is for way too much of a day that could be spent on more productive things. The guys watched a video of Ryan Dungey and some French shithead going through a rhythm section and Dungey unfortunately was not the victor, despite the fact that KTM sucks and French people are fucking lame. But if you were wondering why dogs eat shit, it’s to make up for digestive enzymes that they may be lacking. Rude Jude stopped by to talk baldness and how bad of a driver he is. Ellis caught him shitting all over himself trying to back into his parking space, but Jude swears it’s just a depth perception problem. Nothing like Josh “The Natural” Richmond. However Jude may be getting a chance to put that title to the test whenever Ellis can finish sorting out the logistics of a go kart race for the entire crew. The guys took some calls about moto and who was riding what and how much money Red Bull put down for a shakedown lap on some dirt just to have a place too hang some banners. Jude is getting called to come up to New York more often to try and sort out issues on his show, but if you don’t want to wait for that to happen you can always catch him on the forreallyshow podcast. Jude admitted that he’s not a “man’s man” just for the fact that he’s no good with tools and doesn’t do extreme shit like jumping a flaming dirt bike off a 100 foot cock shaped ramp into a 20 foot plywood cutout of a herpes infected vagina, and things like that. Ellis admits that he’s not too much of one himself, but that Katie probably likes him a lot more for having sweet ass tattoos and being able to correctly punch somebody in the face. But none of that matters if you get attacked by a bear, cause Josh could probably take a marmot, but a mountain lion would be an unmatched rival and a bear would basically have him for a snack. And if you get talk robbed, you’re probably not the most physically superior specimen, but losing a wallet sure beats getting stabbed, especially with today’s rising costs of emergency health care. And it’s probably fair to say that Rawdog wouldn’t be the first to try and protect his girlfriend or tell her not to back down, but he might take a punch in the face for her if the offending person/wild predator looks like a fair match for him. Jason started telling some story about visiting a Tijuana crack house and I forget exactly how it came about but it was something to do with how people don’t fuck with you as much when you’re a stupid friendly hick, even when the people are kind of questionable to start with, like Tijuana crack dealers. Some dude called in claiming to have little man syndrome but it turns out the dude is over six foot tall and is just generally an asshole, but he does know about how most of the population is pretty self absorbed and wouldn’t look twice at you if you were vomiting gold nuggets and sprouting vaginas on every square inch of your body. Then Rawdog told him he was writing checks his ass can’t cash and he started popping off really at nothing for no reason at all and Henry Winkler was mentioned as a possible contender for a back alley knife fight but then they all patched it up. Jaosn had a dream that Katie got eaten by a shark, but since you can do anything in your dreams I’m sure it finished with Ellis riding down a mega ramp on that fucker’s back with a fresh pair of limited edition Globe Sharksies, the new surf/skate crossover shoe. Tully was talking about having nightmares after drinking a Blue Moon before bed and everybody else just had to believe he wasn’t drunk enough to properly turn it off, the way real alcoholics do. Jude hasn’t done ketamine in over a month, but he’s thinking of going back to it because eBay is way more fun with psychoactive animal medications. Jude also hasn’t driven a stick shift in so long that his ass hymen is growing back and he’s feeling like that’s one of those things you should just learn. Josh wants to learn to drive an actual stick, because he’s one of those guys who’s deeply rooted in his fantasies and seems to be having plenty of fun with that so I guess the joke’s on all of us. The guys talked a little more about the fight or flight response and how quickly everyone might surprise themselves one way or the other and either jump on the grenade or hot-potato that fucker right into their newborn child’s stroller. People called in with stories about fucked up dreams from drinking Blue Moon and grizzly bear attacks and tall dudes with short man complexes (AKA lying shitheads who just want a special name for being a cunt satchel). One guy said he fought a bear with a shovel in his garage or some shit but luckily after that the park rangers showed up and hauled the bear off to some different wilderness to keep it from trying to be domesticated. Oh, and fuck possums, we need room for sweatshops. Let’s thrash out to some A7X and see about making that happen.
Hey, when’s the last time you heard some news about crystal meth? Well today, there’s a story circulating about some british dude who was handed a bottle of some sort of fruit drink from his daughter, but when he drank it it ended up being a ruse! It was actually a bottle of liquified meth disguised for some dealer refine and sell at a later time. Apparently, it got mailed to the house but to someone else’s name, and the daughter just held on to it for a few years cause why the hell not? Well, young lady, you don’t do shit like that cause if you’re dad takes a swill of liquid crystal meth, it will not likely quench his thirst, more likely it’ll just kill him. But hey, what a way to go, guzzling $55,000 worth of liquid meth and then exploding all over your adult offspring in your peaceful English home. Speaking of English people, there’s nothing more British than parkour, and what better way to let it milk our prostates than to have Ellis and company film their own parkour videos! It was at this point that I had built up a fuckload of delay on the online player from constantly pausing to answer phones and deal with customers at work, and then had to try and break into a customer’s car for half an hour after I was already supposed to be on my way home, but luckily, the on demand never came up last night, so I couldn’t write about all the details of this experiment in free running (AKA walking with flair), but fortunately for you all, there’s instagram videos from Ellis and company to get the point across of how lame and figure skating-like this sport really is. I’d love to say more about it, but I don’t own enough neon track suits or five-toe shoes to report on it in a way that would do justice to how unlike a French military tactic it really is. That said, there was probably lots of hilarious comments on it and a music break shortly after. And at some point in the show, Lisa Donelly (the female voice of the Triple D) stopped by to hang and chat and share some of her latest music with the boys. She’s a pretty cool lady, if you’ve ever had the chance to meet her, so good for her and everything she’s doing.
Yelawolf stopped by the show today to hang out and chat with the guys. He also brought along his tour manager Bobby Straight-Edge, whose face is riddled with tattoos but in a really awesome way so it’s not like he’s a serial killer or anything. The folks chatted about Bobby Straight-Edge’s head sleeve and being a tour manager for Yelawolf and the many adventures it can bring about, like prison and living two doors over from the Amish in Lancaster, PA. Ellis and Yelawolf talked for a while about music and how Jason never shows up to support, even though he was there at the House of Blues and hung out with him in the green room. If you didn’t catch it recently, Yelawolf did a project with Travis Barker that was pretty successful (and actually decent to listen to) and he’s got a great respect for how Travis bangs the skins. Yelawolf doesn’t make bad decisions with the money he makes from touring and music, like fancy cars and huge homes, but he does put a lot of it down on the booze cause god damn it it’s nice to party like a rock star, especially if you actually are a rock star. Yel’s got all his shit in storage right now cause banks are full of shitheads and won’t let a person with bad credit buy a house in cash, but even if you can’t buy a home you can always skate your balls off then play a show and see if a groupie’s got some free couch space. Seeing as Yelawolf was in studio, it was only fair that he ask about the Wolfknives, so Ellis explained how it used to be a scooter gang until some rat bastard Mongolian pulled out in traffic and fucked his scooter in the ass sideways, but it’s still a sweet ass logo to slap on a T-shirt. Ellis told Yel about his band and how they’ve got a new album coming out but there’s no way that Yelawolf fans are gonna go for a comedy metal opener at his next show. Before he had to take off, Yela gave the boys a copy of his new album and gave a shout out to some of the mixtapes and collabs he’s got in progress/about to come out soon/out now. They played a track and had a nice time breaking down the well cut samples and flowing with the sweet honky rhyme scheme. And lemme go ahead and take back that groupies comment, cause it turns out Yelawolf has a fiance and doesn’t fuck around with hoes, cause they really are an army of drama laden idiots and I can vouch for that, but apparently you’re not supposed to admit that when you’re in the rap game. After that, Death!Death!Die! gave us a taste of their new album by playing us Butt Town, featuring AJ from the Backstreet Boys. After a whole lot of chit chat about the creative process and sound scan and how stupid Jay-Z was for trying to get an album to go platinum before release, that is. But anyway, back to the song, so if you like Backstreet Boys and dick and fart jokes you’d probably love it, or if you like each of those exclusively you have a 70-30 chance of liking it. Or if you’re like me and are shackled to the fuck worthless SiriusXM online player and didn’t get to hear it, you’ll have to go by twitter’s reaction which was generally “how fucking high are all of you idiots that you would actually charge money for this song?” So, seeing as New Music Tuesday may or may not have happened, that’ll have to suffice for my normal hateful music reviews.
There were some elections last week, and you might be shocked to know that the political system is so fucked that now we’re electing convicted felons. Apparently, it’s not enough that Washington D.C. reelected a crack addict 3 times, but Michigan went ahead and voted in a murderer. The guys talked a while about iPhone cases and the sweet stealth battery one that Jason has and how much better it would be if it was made of black marble with an RDS logo in rubies, and still kept the battery from draining out in six hours. And since I was wrong about them playing that song Butt Town, let me retract another statement and just say that I’m probably still gonna load that song on my MP3 player, but I’m almost guaranteed to skip it every time it comes up. Although it was nice to finally hear a musician sing about stuffing their toes in someone’s cunt. And that saxophone hook was everything great about the 80’s smeared in shit and cum. And Rawdog out creeped himself on every line, despite the fact that according to Shoebox he sounds like a goat. So, maybe the rest of the album will take some growing on you except the few tracks we’ve heard that we already do or don’t like. And while we’re talking strange sex, Pakistan is using trannies to go door to door to collect taxes, cause only 1% of the people actually do it, and 100% don’t want to be seen associating with trannies and will gladly pay to keep them from hanging around too long. There was some chatting about using Butt Town to market Butt Water, cause why the tap dancing fuck not? And if you can make a million dollars selling tap water that’s been run down your ass crack then why not throw a giant middle finger at the world and fart in a five gallon cooler tank? And what better use for butt water than demanding your doctor give you a prostate exam? According to Tully, getting a prostate exam will give you the sensation of needing to urinate and defecate all at the same time, but if you do have cancer it will be like the doctor stabbing himself in the hand with a soldering iron. The guys talked about the McRib for a while, cause we Americans are dumb enough to treat this thing like the second coming of Lesus Christ and nobody has gotten wise to the fact that it’s obviously a turd that’s been run through a Play-Doh mold. But hey, at least it’s not as bad as the meatball lasagne pie sub from Subway. The guys took some final calls that were slightly abridged due to the morning replay, but probably not worth listening to anyway cause that’s just how they are a lot of the time, and after that I slowly died on the inside a little cause I had to get back to a life of customer service and fielding asshole telemarketer calls. But on the plus side, it’s payday and I slept like absolute shit last night, and I’m running out of clean socks and underwear, but god damn if it isn’t almost lunchtime and time for another rollicking good episode of TJES in a few minutes. Have a good one folks!
Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,