Monthly Archives: September 2013

Show Re-Cap for Monday 9/30/2013

Posted on by
Reply
was_that_you

bitPimps, did you just fart?

Who farted? (T-SHIRT!) No. Seriously. What the fuck is that smell? Wait. That’s me. False alarm. It’s a great day to be in America, because you can fuck yourself. Or something like that. Houston, we’re still having mic troubles. You hear me AD in Houston? Wilson is trying to fix the compression on the mics or some shit, in the meantime, Ellis & Dingo did Radio Instagram, Rawdog is shouting out his peeps (more on that later), and Tully is shouting out some dude because his sister asked if they give shout outs on the show. So shout out to Rawdog and Tully for shouting out to their peeps, which I assume is us. I asked Rawdog to shout out the Devil, since his “peeps” allegedly killed Jesus, but he never did – which is pretty much an admission of guilt. Wilson got the mics working, right about the time Ellis accidentally KO’d his laptop and Dingo had to talk him down from spiking the laptop like a football. Ellis wasn’t on the show Friday because his dick was pissing blood again, then he got sick, and now he’s on antibiotics. Remember, when you think you’re having a bad day, ask yourself if you’re pissing blood, getting knocked out, sick from the flu, and toting around a broken laptop.

yolo_jesus

Little did J-dog know, YOLO was about to be taken seriously.

Ellis can’t find people to spar him, except really big black dudes that knock him silly or make him piss blood. Tully started going to the gym and now he has athlete’s foot. Ellis don’t give a shit if he does or not. Ellis pretty much knows Jason Momoa now, from the gym. Tully heard an interview with Peter Berg over the weekend, but let’s face it, he’s no Garry Shandling. So back to Rawdog and his “peeps.” You know Rawdog get’s all “oh, my people have been oppressed for centuries” preachy? Well somebody (me, I am somebody!) sent in an article that says there is absolutely no archaeological evidence that Jews were ever really slaves in Egypt. Matter of fact, they never even left Israel – it’s looking like some pure bullshit story, made up by liars. LIARS I TELL YOU! This news has be as disappointing to Rawdog as Anne Frank fans when she never wrote a sequel to her best seller. OH! Tully thinks he has the right to be just as upset with slavery as any Jewish or Black person because his great-grandfather was an Irish indentured servant back in the day. I have to admit, his argument has legs. Would George Clooney stand in a ring and beat himself unconscious for a billion dollars, which he then donates to charity? Now that your mind has been blown, let’s get those balls / ovaries of yours tingling with some EllisMania 9 news. There might be a new fight between Pierre-Luc Gagnon (PLG) and Elliot Sloan, mano a mano, skateboard to skateboard, hand to hand, etc. Now that Red Dragons are helping to sponsor EllisMania 9, Madchild is now confirmed to be opening up for Death! Death! Die! Feeling those tingles yet?

soviet_plane_spotters

Take your job seriously, like I do these recaps. OH?

Ever had a sunburn on your dick? Ellis and Tully have. They also know about “lollies” and “fags”, which was candy in Australia. Speaking of candy, Ellis has taught Tiger how to ollie and now he’s rolling along doing ollies and shit. Devon is starting to do super straight wheelies and tic-tacs and showing more interest in skating. Sibling rivalry can be a great motivator, according to Rawdog, who said he pretty much was the king of his household between his siblings. Speaking fights, candy, and kings, Rawdog has been working out with his kettle bells in preparation for his fight with Nick Swardson. This brought us to a short training session where he hit pads with Ellis. Dingo was nice enough to shoot a little video of it so he could send it to Nick, so he knows what kind of beating he should be expecting. Of course, none of this intimidated Nick as he responded with “I’m going to rape his ass mouth” which sounds pretty serious somehow. Then there was a 3 minute punch pad session with Wilson to test his gassiness. During this session, Ellis was showing Rawdog how to throw his hips into his punches, which ended up being Rawdog twerking it right in front of Ellis’ package. The phones are still all fuckered up in the new studio, which makes sense because the mics are all fuckered up too. Remember? I already told you about that earlier, you might have short term memory loss. I knew a guy who had short term memory loss once, I forgot what happened to him though.

ass_revenge

This ain’t your daddies revenge porn. Wait. Yes it is.

There is a legal movement underway in California to limit so-called “revenge porn” where people humiliate their ex-whatevers by posting explicit photos and video online. If you remember, Ellis got revenge porn’d when that chick he dated posted a picture of his wiener online. You know how you don’t fall victim to revenge porn? You don’t send pictures of yourself naked to other people. But you know you wanna keep doing that shit. And you know that’s the business model behind Snapchat, so I look forward to seeing your explicit photos and videos. This led into a massive discussion about the legalities, uses by people & businesses to research you or your background, Ellis’ dick online, etc. Sean Penn is allegedly all roided out nowadays. Did you know 47% of Australians are functionally illiterate? I’m not sure you should be surprised by that considering Dingo and Ellis. This led us into a spelling bee game between Ellis and Dingo. As you can imagine, it was a chore for each just to get to a 2-2 tie, I’m not sure what the end result was because I was busy burning the words “feral bitch” into my vocabulary. Wanna know what shameful thing your state is famous for? Oh, I almost forgot. Jimmy Barnes is the Bruce Springsteen of Australia, and his song “Working Class Man” was featured in the timeless classic movie “Gung Ho.” I don’t know much about Jimmy Barnes, but I can tell you this, he’s a top bloke. In Australia. For deaf people. And people still living the 1980’s dream.

oh_boy

It’s joke time, kiddos!

And before I go, I’ve always wanted to tell this joke to Wilson, because he loves Pink Floyd and death. How are Pink Floyd and Princess Diana similar? Both of their last big hits were the wall. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Rawdog, because, well… you know he’s been intimate with horse anatomy before. I used to be in to S & M, bestiality, and necrophilia, but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Tully, because he’s Oxford educated and therefore knows what this test is. What did the black man get on his SAT? Barbecue sauce. And I always wanted to tell this joke to Ellis, because we both hate Yoko. What is yellow and lives off of dead Beatles? Yoko Ono. And finally, I always wanted to you guys this joke because it’s true. What’s easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women. OH!

Show Re-Cap for Friday, 9/27/2013

Posted on by
Reply

Welcome to the Friday recap, sort of. Ellis is out with dick blood problems and had to go see a doctor. Tully tweeted, “FYI – No show today (Ongoing blood piss, janky phones, vomiting babies, hordes of locusts, etc.) Sorry – enjoy Best Of – see you Monday.” So instead of recaping bits and pieces of shit that I/we have already recapped, I will tell you about my day.

So this morning I got dressed for the day and did my morning streaches.

batmanThen I went to work ready for a hard day of work stuff.

excitedwhile at work I managed to Instagram a few pictures expressing my religious beliefs.

magic jesusAnd as 12:00 came I waited patiently for the best part of my day, The Jason Ellis Show

go onOnly to find out it is a Best Of because Jason is still raining blood from his johnson.

no show

 

 

 

 

Show Re-Cap for Thursday, 9/26/2013

Posted on by
Reply

Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhyeahyeahyeaaaaaahhhhhhhhh! Because Ellis is playing with the voice mod. TJES quickly jumps into action today after a super brief voice mod monologue where an Evil Kanye West voice makes a quick appearance (can a voice make an appearance? an audioppearance maybe?) to talking about The Dropkick Murphy’s and Bruce Springsteen song ‘Rose Tattoo’ which gets stuck in Rawdog’s head, disappoints Tully, and Ellis just plain hates but admits it’s a good song. Bruce Springsteen may or may not still just be your Average Joe who stumbles out of strip clubs in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday and explains to fans that he willed a million other Bruce Springsteen’s into existence. It’s okay if the only part you cared about there was the bit about the strip club, because that’s the part that the men of the show latched on to (to my girlie fist-pumping delight…you have a dirty mind).

YAY!!! Talking About Sex and Strippers!!!

Ellis states that he has learned a lot from strippers, whether those lessons be good or bad, and ultimately he said he tends to pity dancers for the creeps that they have to deal with like the guy drooling in the front row with his Dance Trance face on. He thinks that being a stripper definitely gives a girl insight into how men are wired because there is at least a little bit of creep in every guy, some people may play it closer to the chest than others. Ellis dated a stripper for 6 years back in the day and he was King of Unemployed Melbourne on the 3 grand he made a month skateboarding and the thousands of dollars his chick made EVERY NIGHT. But there are girls/dancers/strippers who rake in the bucks in such great amounts every night that they turn into cunts who look down on people because they’ve stopped appreciating money and think theirs will last waaaaaayyyyyy longer than the multiple plastic surgeries they will undergo in an attempt to keep making money off of that ephemeral bitch called beauty. Or maybe they can really work the pole and aren’t really all that hot anyway. One lesson to be learned from this? Hard work that leads to success is humbling while easy money makes you a condescending jackass. Give yourself a fucking reality check, having money makes you better than nobody, you still have creepy inside of you.

How much creepy though? Tully finds Mr. Trance Dance face drooling over girls on poles he wished were his pole creepy and wonders if men (he) is just as creepy for wild fantasies used to ‘get the job done’ when the cum isn’t coming for whatever reason. Get the job done. Get over the hump. I never want to be involved in a sex scenario where either of these terms are used because that means I should be fired. Ellis doesn’t think it’s creepy to fantasize things, however wild they may be, to get the job done because you aren’t offending anyone (except for maybe yourself a half an hour later) and it isn’t hurting anybody. But he would stop if a memo got sent to a person every time he thought about busting on them instead of the girl he was with. Tully brings up the situation of men who find it hard to orgasm unless they’re pretending the girl that they are with doesn’t want to be having sex with them and we fall deeper down the fantasy rabbit hole all the way to the Dungeon. Ellis, ever the open minded fellow, has no aversion to trying out a bondage-type situation if it wasn’t so goddamn expensive to have a lady in leather kick him in the balls. But Tully doesn’t get it because…where’s the orgasm? Ellis says he gets it an equates it with mental foreplay, and talks about it being a playground for the rich and powerful who are never dominated in any other aspect of their life, and yeah, most men probably go out to their car and beat off before driving home with sticky fingers, but there are some men who just get amped up. Like the male caller who was whipped by two males (because he’s that kind of polite guy who won’t say no) and kept asking for it harder. Harder! HARDER! Until he felt like he had won.  There is a difference between being creepy and having ‘safe words’ for your rape fantasy love life and being a fucked up murderer rapist. Tully said it’s not important to get caught up in how creepy you might be (if you spent the better part of the segment thinking about your weirdest sex fantasy impulses as I did) because they’re just thoughts, and as Rawdog adds- the most important thing is that you possess empathy and impulse control. You are not a fucked up murderer rapist. Ellis dubs himself the Josh Richmond of Creepy sex which makes Josh…the fetus? Or he just may be the Chad Reed of Creepy Sex. They jury is still out. It will probably be back sometime after the Fuckfest that is going down in his room at Ellismania 9.

Do girls think shit like this too? Do girls have weird fantasies to get the job done? Well, you’re in luck because I’m a bonafide female XX chromosome card holder. Yes. We are just as fucked up as you. It’s hot. Just ask Ellis and Tully- the sexiest thing ever is a woman who enjoys sex!!! ‘Girl sex’ where a bitch goes “oh yeah I didn’t cum but I really enjoyed it” is possible, but most likely she’s just not equipped with the balls to say, “wow, I feel like I should sue you for false advertising.” Yes, sex can be enjoyable without orgasm and there are reasons that maybe she didn’t orgasm because yadda yadda girlie shit yadda yadda she is probably thinking about how there’s only expired milk in the fridge and she has to go food shopping. There is NO woman who has a fulfilling sex life when she isn’t reaching the little death more than she is. If she tells you otherwise, send her my way so I can call her a liar to her face.

Tentacle Porn Art

Do girls really think about things just like guys in amounts of potential creepiness? I will provide some evidence when talking about the next bit discussing tentacle porn. You know what I’m talking about. The Anime that is oh so popular in Japan as well as (albeit less) popular all around the world. It’s basically girls getting fucked by Octopus monsters if you wanna pretend you have no idea. So…what’s the deal with that? Tully says that it’s because Japanese men are more on the diminutive side despite their supremely macho culture and there has to be a demand for it because there is a bottomless black hole of tentacle porn movies and animation ain’t cheap. Also, in some cities/regions it’s illegal to show penetration and Tentacle Porn is the wonderful loophole that was stumbled upon. They wondered about how long Tentacle porn has been around and talked about it being just a part of their culture at this point. Insert creepy bitch factor here with an article that I read 3 years ago on tentacle porn which my photographic memory instantly recalled to tell me that tentacle porn has been around since the 18th century. Boom. I’m probably wayyyyyyyy creepier than you are on account of the shit my brain retains.

Attention all Jason Ellis show listeners/cocaine users (since Josh seems to think we are one and the same)!!!!! Did you know that 80% of the cocaine that you are snorting that’s is supplied to this country is laced with a drug Levamisole that is used for de-worming livestock and eats your flesh? There are pictures and it is gross, even though Ellis wants to call bullshit and Tully (and probably many listeners) would like to know exactly why something given to livestock wants to eat human flesh… And as if that weren’t bad enough, Krokodil- a Russian drug similar to heroin has crash landed here in the good old US of A and that shit is guaranteed too rot your flesh from the inside out. So far, two people have been hospitalized in Arizona, and it’s believe those are the first two cases in America. Why do people do drugs anyway? Ellis thinks that some people may just be born to be addicts and then there are people that hate themselves, which is the reason that he did drugs back in the day, he didn’t wanna deal with being in his own head. This whole world going to shit on drugs things seriously bums him out, but he’s cheered up by the fact that there are really only about 200,000 people in America that can be classified as heroin addicts, though there are over a million who are I guess what we would call an ‘occasional user’. The guys all agree that hernoin is that gateway drug for shit like Krokodil, which gives a similar high and is cheaper for when you can no longer afford heroin.

Ellismania 9 is approaching fast and that means so is the Fuck Fest that Josh ‘I’m in an open relationship’ Richmond will be hosting in his room to the chants of “fuck fest! fuck fest!” from a crowd of horny onlookers and Tully while Ellis jacks off the the beat. To re-iterate from yesterday’s show and re-cap- they are looking for a blonde with ginormous tatas, so feel free to tweet a pic of yourself to @radioTFB to see if you are up to snuff. Side note: I told Hubbs that if I were single I would totally be up for this as I am a blonde with big boobies and because his girlfriend is a pornstar so even if Rawdog sucked I’m sure she would be awesome and I wouldn’t just enjoy it, I would orgasm. Probably multiple times. Seriously though, Ellismania 9 hasn’t sold out yet and you should probably go get tickets and join the party because it’s not every day that you can see a Taco fight a Dude with a Blanket. Wilson…what’s in your box? A whole bunch of shit from old movie shoots including some fake blood, a bunch of wigs, and at the verrrrrrrrry bottom some Ellismania related costumes for fights, such as the aforementioned Taco. Ellis wants to employ some hot ladies in sandwich boards to pass out fliers at the Hard Rock in Vegas to promote the show, which seems like a great idea because everyone pays attention to a hot chick in a Team Taco sandwhich board.

Tully thinks he can beat Kareem Abduul Jabar in basketball. Bullshit. But a high school basketball player probably can. The same goes for practically any other sport when it comes to old guy versus high school player. Except for fighting. Sorry caller. If you aren’t practiced in the art of punching a guy in dee face you don’t stand a chance. He’s going to know what you are throwing before you hold your hand up and he will kill you.

The Army has announced that it will soon be banning tattoos on certain areas of the body- like the really visible parts- above the neck, below the elbow and such. Those currently enlisted won’t have to get theirs lasered off or anything crazy like that, but if you’re looking to join up it’s advised that you think before you ink. Elllis and Tully understand this soon to be enforced rule, saying that it goes toward the uniformity of the organization. Josh brought up the point of not wanting to alienate or detract anyone with tattoos from wanting to fight when we are currently emeshed in an ongoing war and need bodies. I guess The Army needs something new to focus on since ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ got thrown out of the window. The Army says “Hoo-Rah’ when they are rushing into battle, even though Ellis likes “Retreat Hell” much better and wants to slap the shit out of Aaron Eckhart for misrepresenting himself in Battle: Los Angeles. Wilson agrees because he wants realism in his Aliens versus the Army movies. Duh.

Helllll Yeah

 

Time to talk Ultimate Fighter. There is a lot of crying on this season of the Ultimate Fighter, because apparently they’re a bunch of whaaaaaambulances. And because this is the first season with girls. Not that the guys don’t shed a tear or two also. Ellis and Tully say they’re envious of girls just being able to cry and get that release because it must feel great, and intern Vanessa assures them crying is awesome, but…fuck that shit. I hate crying. It’s an unpopular opinion for a girl, but crying is the worst shit ever and I am so glad that I only head to the cry bank for Disney Movies. Ronda Rousey is no holds barred the best female fighter in the world but Miesha Tate beats her in the personality department hands down. Ronda is a coach on the show and is portrayed as very quick-tempered to the point where she interrupts fights between small guys and very large guys at the bar only to get into the larger guys face better than the small guy (the striking coach) can. This probably isn’t the best move for her publicly or privately, which is told to her in the parking lot by Dana White, and she should probably calm the fuck down a bit. Yeah, there is the magic of editing that can be blamed for making someone look done or slightly inflate a trait of a person’s personality, but there is no editing that is going to make you lose your shit every time someone looks at you. While tweeting about the Ultimate Fighter, Ellis received a tweet from the UFC which ullllltimately lead him to tweet with his fave female fighter on the show, Julianna, who basically gave him the equivalant of ‘Hi, who’s your friend?’ And she was talking about Rawdog. Rawdog!!! Lookout Julianna, he’s in an open relationship!!! Avoid Ellismania at all costs!!! Not that it wouldn’t be awesome to have you there, but even I heard the creep smile over the air.

A man was arrested in San Diego after being spotted off the coast and was apparently floating his way from Mexico to America on a duffel bag filled with $23,000 worth of marijuana. Points for creativity. In fact, the guys all agree he should probably just get a pass because…’Merica.

Wolfknives!!!

Wolfknives!!!

Wrapping up the show today is a massive list of additions to the Wolfknives Family. Are they all signing up now because they want to go to the secret meeting of the Wolfknives at the Hard Rock at Ellismania? That’s probably not a bad guess, considering the couple of husband and wife names given out today. So…Congratulations to Wheel of Doom, Bicep Whore (LMT), Flame Enthusiast, Captain Hero, Good Burger, Hole Inspector (also congrats on being the Butt Judge’s boss), The Janitor, Brian Power, Team McMraw, Mary Pipenstein, Miguel Gorbachev, Security Tard, The Good One, Good Fat, Marty Friedman, Johnny Deppa, Little Miss Ellis, Hilary Clitoris, Johnny Yayo, The Coke Dealer’s Wife, Kooooooolaaaaaaaggggg, The French Homo, Abbey Load, Lying Murderer, Boo!, Lord of the Dicks, Jerks Off Lightening, The Nightcrawler, These Are Real, Creepy 1, Creepy 2, Chip Dick, Urethra ButtButt, Gabby VagVag, Dr. Greenthumb, The LoaMonger, Homo Therapy, Nocturnal Shitbag, King Nothing, German C-Bomb, Fisted Sister, and Kevlar Dildo.

 

And, before I forget, the Unlisted Band segment is coming around again so if you have an unsigned band, or maybe are a fan of an unsigned band, send it to Ellisparodies@gmail.com.

Things we learned today:

Ellis would have sex for money because he likes the feeling of power

Ellis has stopped peeing blood but might be doing it again soon as he is fighting a monster at Wildcard tonight

Ellis could never live with a poodle

There is a macho way to hold a purse, but Josh just slings it over his shoulder

Flushable baby wipes suck ass

Being a waitress and being a stripper is basically the same job with different uniforms

Don’t fuck with Lenny’s turf, those are his windows

Tully has an irrational fear of car accidents and is comforted by Heroin being a bigger killer

Ellis fears sharks

Rawdog has a fear of being close to the edge of high places

Josh’s mouth says words, but the buttons say the truth

The Jingleberries made an awesome Fuck Fest theme song

“years young” is what you say when people start getting old

Will’s cell picks up CB Radio communications…let’s see your smartphone do that

Owning an escort service isn’t as glamorous as you might think

 

Show Re-cap for Wednesday 9/25/2013

Posted on by
Reply

The main thing I want you to take away from this re-cap is this: Life is a dick. And it will slap you in the cheeks until they are rosey and bruised. Today in our ongoing relationships with the hosts of TJES’s genitalia, Jason is pissing blood(METAL!). But he didn’t find this out from taking a normal piss of course. He was in the bathtub and wanted to make Katie laugh so he stuck the tip out and went “Hey Katie!” but when he peed a coffee colored blast came out with a little black dickhole guppy. Yup. Ellis got punched hard in the kidneys so he’s peeing a little bit of blood. As is tradition, If you have something wrong with your dick, Dr. Listener will call in and tell you that your dick has cancer-aids and is going to turn black and fall off. Some think maybe Jason has something called Rhubda or something which is caused when someone is over training. But it’s probably just the massive shots to the body Ellis got while he was training.

This somehow led to a story about how Tully bought a can opener a few months ago because he needed to open a bottle of wine and he just figured he’d take it back when he was done because he only needed it once. So he went to the store to return it but he didn’t have a receipt, and then he felt weird about asking them to refund his money for a random bottle opener he could have just ripped off the shelf. This was all brought on because Ellis was talking about all of the little things he doesn’t have time to do with all of the leading up to Ellismania and trying to get tv shows and getting tshirts made for Ellismania. Ellismania still has a shit load of tickets left, and it needs to sell out so get your tickets on ticketmaster.com if you can make it. Tickets for Rawdog’s gangbang however will only be available at the Hard Rock Hotel the weekend of Ellismania if you are a blonde chick with big boobs and want to bang Rawdog? Some chick called in and she just broke up with her boyfriend because he cheated on her and she should definitely go get her some McTumble Bum.

In some little town in Utah, there is something where dick shaped foods are outlawed because people can’t control themselves and will just jam carrots up their ass. And in Florida, a group is giving away free shotguns to anyone who wants them because, hey, Florida. I can see the point they are trying to make, but it’s a fucking dumb way to make your point.

South Korean men are most likely to wear makeup, says a study Rawdog found. Rawdog tried to make the point that men will, in the future, be more likely to wear makeup to make them look better at meetings or something. Apparently Rawdog has lived in LA a little too long and doesn’t realize that men probably won’t throw a bunch of shit on their face every morning to look pretty. Man, I had a whole thought process with this bit of the show that was really good, I swear. But South Park is on now, and I don’t remember.

The guys played a game made up by @Mike_in_Canada where Ellis and Rawdog had to guess the average dollar amount of things like average household income, average house cost in America and shit like that. Turns out Ellis pays a ludicrous amount for his rent, but the average American pays like $900 for rent. Also, you can buy a house in Buffalo for like $50K if you can stomach living in Buffalo. It was a sweet game, but really hard to recap, so check it out on demand.

Steve called the show today, but when Ellis called his name, he was nowhere to be found. Where is Steve? What happened? He was just on the phone and now we can’t find him! The show came to a halt to find the whereabouts of Steve, and even his brother called in to express concern. Thankfully, Steve called back to say he got arrested because he got pulled over for speeding while he was on hold. Red Dragons and I’m glad everything is ok Steve.

The guys didn’t get to New Music Tuesday yesterday so you get treated to my signature recap segment of NEW MUSIC WEDNESDAY!!!!

Zac Effron Od’d on Ocycodon because he’s a little bitch who got all sleepy from railing bitch pills. Awww poor Zac Effwon got sweepy from snorting some pills. Ellis watched Tosh and thinks they have ripped off a few things from their show. I’ve thought that a couple of times myself actually, but most of them were very loose connections so it’s hard to say. Ellis and Tully actually said he thinks Tosh is good at what he does, especially in the pre-recorded bits, I’ve always liked Tosh in his stand up, but his show is kind of weak but it may be because of the format but who cares this isn’t a fucking Tosh recap.

DMX is broke as shit. As in, only $50 to his name and the clothes on his back. That’s what happens when you smoke crack and act like a criminal. Some guy named Walter called and wanted Ellis to fight him for a benefit for bees. He’s a moron, but he only called because he just got Sirius and liked the show and thought he was clever. Another dude who just got Sirius called to say fuck walter and his bees, but he started loving the show because they called Yoko Ono a cunt which she is.

Chris Sucks.

Jake Rules.

Pre-Order Jason’s new book: The Awesome Guide to Life: Get Fit, Get Laid, Get Your Shit Together and we’ll see if we can get him another best seller. Good night fuckers.