Monthly Archives: October 2012

Big Fucking Mega Boat Review by Branden

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The story begins with our hero Skeet McRib, a Lebowski-esque hulk of a man, sitting and watching music videos with a bowl of cereal. His wild jew-fro, tattoos and painted fingernails suggest he has a secret. The secret is soon revealed that he is a lethal assassin who employs a group of ninjas to attempt to kick his ass every morning. To keep his skills sharp. He oozes manliness that seems to act as a pheromone for asian women.
Elsewhere, A bearded trillionaire jogs on a treadmill on his yacht. Seemingly an innocent exercise in good health at first, we then learn that this treadmill has a much more sinister purpose: to power and Malmorphanize his yacht into the evil Big Fucking Mega Boat.

Skeet McRib continues about his day, getting into his car pausing only to look at a picture of his best friend and lover, who we assume is passed because of the powerful emotion that comes over the face of this stone of a man. The audience’s heart sinks and you want to just reach out and punch him square in the dick. This powerful on screen moment is quickly interrupted by a malevolent looking bunny who jumps onto screen. You can see it in Skeet’s eyes that he has seen this bunny before. Skeet slams the accelerator and an epic car chase ensues that ends abruptly when Skeet outwits the bunny rabbit and bails out of his Porsche and lets it burst into flames as the rabbit follows and crashes his monster truck.

We cut to a priest, Radley Mancakes, standing in front of a church. There is regret in his eyes, as well as retribution. Skeet approaches and asks for Mancakes’ help. Skeet explains he is terrified of rabbits, and needs Radley’s help. Radley pulls out his big fucking mega gun and vows to help his dear friend, and we learn the dark past of the Mancake. However, Radley hears Skeet wrong and instead of hunting rabbits starts to hunt moose.
We cut to President Queefer Sutherland addressing the nation in a staunch and confident tone about the incoming threat of Big Fucking Mega Boat and assure the citizens that they have built their own Big Fucking Mega Boat and will deal with the problem…..His plan doesn’t work and the government’s boat was just not big or fucking enough to deal with the Big Fucking Mega Boat.

JägerBeard the pirate is lying washed up on a hollow sounding shore covered in vegetables. He looks like the kind of pirate that likes the taste of his own semen. Skeet approaches and Jäger Beard explains vegetables are his biggest fear.

Skeet has a flashback that reveals his lover to be Chad Kroeger. This is where the movie get out of hand in my opinion because the actor chosen to play Chad Kroeger is much too badass and manly to be Chad Kroeger. They say the devil is in the details, but Skeet and Chad share a passionate kiss and vow their love for one another right before Chad is mauled by a bunny rabbit. The movie pulled me back in here because I could totally see Kroeger getting killed by a bunny rabbit, along with his best friend Josh Koscheck.

The pieces fall together for Skeet a he realizes the BFMB uses your darkest fear against you. JägerBeard and Skeet decide to team up against the mega boat.
A fucking Moose, mate.

JägerBeard and Skeet speed through the water on high powered water machines, racing towards the BFMB. The BFMB senses the danger and fires vegetables and bunnies at the incoming threat, killing JägerBeard.

With his lame friend (who obviously didn’t care about helping the team out dead in the water) dead in the water Skeet boards the BFMB and infiltrates it’s lower levels. Skeet comes upon the sinister man from the beginning of the movie who reveals himself to be THE Pierce Johnson. Pierce and Skeet have a brief martial arts battle where the two come to a draw, knowing each other to be equals. Pierce reveals that he is not in fact the mastermind of the BFMB and the boat has a mind of its own.

Skeet emerges on the deck of the boat and seems victorious for some reason until he notices a small, but supple young breast in the waters. A big fucking tit rabbit emerges from the water and Skeet is forced to battle his biggest fear(message!). Skeet stabs the tit rabbit in the vagina and eats/tongue fucks the wound and thrusts his sword at the rabbit.
Dead Tit Rabbit. Chad Kroeger and JägerBeard are seen in the sky congratulating Skeet and letting him know it will be ok. JägerBeard sucks off Chad Kroeger with a feverish enthusiasm. Kroeger’s taken care of baby.
A fucking Moose mate. Cookie bomb. Moose.

That may have been longer than the script. Thanks for the laughs guys, hope I give you one or two.

Fuck your mother,

Branden (@CrackerStacker6)

Show Re-cap For Monday 10/8/2012

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Happy Thanksgiving Canada! Shhh don’t tell them it’s really Columbus Day, silly Canooks. The Jason Ellis Columbus Day Memorial show began with Dingo in the studio. Nothing says America like two sick cunts from Australia. Ellis started off talking about the movie Money Ball with Dingos bestie, Jonah Hill. Okay, maybe not besties, but they would probably jack each other off if they were trapped in an elevator for a couple hours and got really bored. Ellis’s birthday is coming up and he is going to have it a strip club, he didn’t specify the exact club but it’s probably at Crazy Horse, Paris, France, Body Shop, Marble Arch, Tropicana’s where I lost my heart GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS. Whoa, sorry, got trapped in Crue World for a second there. Where was I, oh yeah, something about old balls in the gym getting blow dried while Blasko meat gazes, but it’s not gay unless you say “What the

And she said she couldn’t have an orgasm!

fuck homie!” I’m not sure when exactly Blasko entered the Swinghouse but none the less it was one hell of an entrance. Ellis went to the Tony Hawk Foundation Benefit Something Something and saw a bunch of celebrities and otherwise awesome dudes. One of those was Dana White whom Ellis spoke with for a bit and they both had a good laugh over Gay Breudiger’s Ellismaina facial reconstruction. Do you want to know how to spike up your sex life? Just as Rawdog, all you have to do is get your girl a vibrator for her birthday and dress as a firefighter. That gets all the chicks all hot and bothered!

Unsigned Bands with Blasko was a huge success, or tragic failure, depending on if you are one of the unsigned bands or not. I took the liberty of quickly briefing my opinion of each band for you. Cuddle Crew started us off and was hilarious with their song ABS (Ass Balls Shaft), Mullet Corpse sounded like cookie monster leading a troop of Marines in the middle of an insurgent attack, Crusty Mustache reminded me of the stoner bums  that hang outside of Cheeba Hut, Not All There was like if NOFX, Bad Religion, and The Offspring took a collective dump and that dump fell on a guitar, The Kynd it was a small sample but Blasko summed it up perfectly with “pure shit”, Nonstop sounded like Dave Mustaine on Redbull and crack but it wasn’t  bad, Kill Everyone a few words to describe it, sucks-corn, shit-corn, makes me wanna punch his mum in the box-corn, Shadowstalk is probably the best thing out of Canada since…I got nothing. But they’re video is on Youtube featuring Talyn Stone, your welcome, George Heywood reminded my of The Pain of Time acoustic version, Wolfknife member, Scream Stoner sounded cool but we never got to the lyrics, AMoss was a rapper but my opinion doesn’t count because I’m a white dude in the suburbs, and Super Stone sounded like he should be an opener for a Skynnard tribute band. The overall best was Shadowstalk or Cuddle Crew, both were winners in our hearts. To submit your unsigned band email Ellisparodies@gmail.com.

Magicians are gay for example, Chris Angel & David Blane. But they are gay because they

Magics not gay, only Magicians are gay.

think that they really know magic and can do magical things. Penn and Teller are awesome because they know that it’s all tricks and plus they’re not fucktarded. A excape artist, Mike Scarpino, called in and told the guys about his “escape from a plastic bag” trick. Sounds lame until you actually watch his amazing abilities. Branden won the Big Fucking Mega Boat and after Michael “Danger Balls” Tully read it, I still had no fucking clue what it was about. The Reverse Awards are still being tallied so remember, vote now and  vote often. MMA News the worst roomie ever convicted for eating shrooms and then eating some face. Its an old story so if you don’t remember it then your shot out of luck. Our little Bush Baby is finally single again, so ladies you better shave those legs and douche that cooch because the Tussin Wolf is back on the prowl! Rawdog and his girl got in fight over dinner because he wanted to grab a quick bite and then hand with Cum Tard and she got all PMSy and started bitching, but The Bangar stood  his ground. All in all he said that there was too much drama in the relationship. Oh, she also wanted Rawdog to rawdog her non pill poppin puss so that she can get her grasp on the Richmond fortune tied up in the legendary trust fund, allegedly. The biggest bummer of this break up is that we won’t get to hear Jude do his impression of her and I don’t know what to do with these churros and McNuggets I got them for their anniversary. Final calls sucked, like usual. One of these times I would like to be surprised with at least 3 callers with something interesting to say.  Speaking of surprises, I found the football that you lost when you were a kid, yer mum was using it as a filler for her massive cavernous vagina, OH!

 

Show Re-cap For Friday 10/5/2012

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Wanna learn to say words? You need to get accepted into college, son!

It’s Friday, your mom’s a cunt, Ellis did her, and Rawdog shit in her mouth. Tully’s out sick today, but more importantly, what the fuck is up with people eating bone marrow? Have you ever shit on the floor, just because you can? Other people have, because they’re fucked up in the brain. Ellis is getting Adrianne Curry to come on the show Tuesday, so you can look forward to that. Rawdog can’t pronounce French words for shit, which isn’t really surprising considering he fucks up his own native language on the daily. But really, who cares about other foreign languages? They all suck. No phones again for most of the show today, AT&T needs a good snowballing and get their shit together. Did you know Kid Rock was around for like 10 years before his first big hit broke? Yea, me neither. The Ellis children are lucky, Big Daddy Rape Cakes went out last night and bought them a 4-wheeler.

When Morpheus tells you, it’s time to listen up.

Katie, Cumtard, and Fletcher Dragge came onto the show today to help out since Tully is gone and there’s no phones. Ellis found a bunch of old CD’s that were his brother’s, Stevie, and inside were also some audio of the show before it was ever even really a show and he was basically a DJ playing songs for a long period of time and talking for just a few minutes. It was pretty funny to hear Ellis, he sounded way younger – and of course we didn’t get to hear much of it because he never likes listening to himself. If you think callers now days are bad, you should’ve heard the callers from back in the day – it almost makes you feel sorry for the callers. Katie’s more rad than I thought, she was talking about Ellis jizzing on Tully’s guitar while he’s playing it – because it make a different sound. Will watched Big Fucking Mega Boat last night and he said it made him feel like he was on acid and he laughed until he cried. Katie made a judgement call about Rawdog Teenage Jeff Goldblum, low and behold she was right, her assumption that Rawdog ZZ Top Testie doesn’t groom his package was true, it’s been months since he’s groomed down below.

Hello, this is dog. Fletcher, you got some crazy stories.

Ellis is still trying to get Rawdog to put the fleshlight in between his legs and Katie said she’d lick his fake cookie if he did it. The verdict? Nope, he’s still not going to do it. Fletcher told a story of a dude that hooked up with some chick, he wanted her to go home with him and her girlfriends were not having and wouldn’t let her go. Next day she wakes up with a rash on her face and goes to the doctor, doctor tells her to not move, he has to go call the cops. The rash on her face is from a certain type of disease that is caused by cannibalism. DAYUM! Some roadie dude for Pennywise, who has Hepatitis C and HIV, stabbed Fletcher in the foot with this pen, trying to freak him out like he had just given him the gift of death. DAYUM, DAYUM! Fletcher doesn’t like TMZ and Harvey Levin, so he see’s one of the TMZ dude’s with long blonde hair around his town and wearing a Pennywise shirt, so he comes up with an idea to grab a pair of scissors and go up to the dude and cut his precious locks. His friend talked him out of it, knowing that he’d get sued to shit, but he still wants to punch anyone who is associated with TMZ and Jared Leto.

Hate Cumtard as much as you want, but he’s a team player.

Tera Patrick came in to play tits I mean a game, everyone filled out a questionnaire and based on their answers, she selects the one she thinks would be the most datable. Hey, did you know her tits I mean dad is a wine maker? Did you know she used to tits I mean bang Everlast before she married that dirtball, Evan, from Biohazard? Anyway, let’s get back to the tits I mean game. After going through all the answers and tallying up the results, the winner originally was tits I mean Katie, but she got booted from competition, so it ended up being Fletcher. The prize was Tera Patrick’s fleshlight, but Cumtard looked so giddy and drunk that Fletcher presented the prize to him. Some Canadian’s worked their beady little eyes into the studio, they’re fans of the show and I guess just stopped by to say hi and get their copy of “I’m Awesome” signed by Ellis. Guess who finally tucked their junk and took a picture with a fleshlight pussy between their legs? Not Rawdog, but Cumtard! So I heard one time that your dad walked into your mom’s bedroom with a sheep under his arm. Your mom was lying in bed reading. You dad said, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.” Your mom replied, “I think you’ll find that is a sheep.” So you dad said, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the sheep.” OH!

The Musical Mind of Mike Tully, interviewed by Nate Phillips

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I’d like to thank Michael Tully for doing an interview with me – Nate Phillips (@DraXsiS_Rocker)

We know you are a guitarist but was that your first instrument?
Guitar is my first and (other than some half-assed drumming) my only. I broke my shoulder playing football when I was 12, then asked for a guitar for Christmas.

What album(s) influenced you the most to become a guitarist?
Dr. Feelgood by Motley Crue, which also ended being the first song my guitar instructor taught me.

You grew up in an era of music where guitar was always the faster the better (in the undergroud scene)Did that deter you at all from wanting to play?
I tried to play fast. I really liked – and still like – Steve Vai, Eric Johnson, and Nuno Bettencourt. But I hit the wall pretty quickly. That’s the major reason I started writing music – so that I could have some songs I was able to play. Continue reading →

Show Re-cap For Thursday 10/4/2012

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‘Murica! Fightin’, fuckin’, arrestin’, smokin’, snortin’, shootin’ All that cool shit.

It’s 10-4, good buddies! Breaker, breaker, we got an ass shaker at mile marker fuck you. Ellis has been teaching Katie how to do a somersault off the diving board and into the pool, apparently she’s pretty bad at them. You know how Travis Pastrana wanted to fight Dave Mirra? Yea, well, now Pastrana’s wife doesn’t want him to fight Mirra because she’s scared for Mirra. Tully was going to enter FMX at X-Games, but his wife didn’t want him to because she was scared he would embarrass Pastrana. As Tully says, excuses are like assholes, they are delicious. Ellis had to call the po-po yesterday, he was picking up Snook from school and some little drunk Mexican dude came up to him talking gibberish. Dude was sketchy and trying to talk gibberish to other parents and kids, Ellis called the cops and told them what was up, 2 hours later the cops call Ellis and essentially were like, “so, what were you saying again?” Rawdog thinks it’s because the police like to fuck with people and cherry pick calls, but Tully feels like they’re just busy fighting crime and shit. Also, there was some debate over whether Superman could impregnate a chick or the chick could even have the baby.

I’ve looked into the faces of Hell.

Some professional boxer came out of the closet and announced he was gay, and then he came on his trainer’s face. Okay, that last part was a complete lie, sorry ’bout that. People are now able to watch Big Fucking Mega Boat on EllisMania.com, so go check that out if you wish. Lightening Train got put on the spot today, he’s charged with not answering phone’s enough, not correctly, and not at the right times. He had to come into the studio and take calls while the guys were there to witness, right away he fucked up the first call, which was about the movie “Gummo” and Ellis eating spaghetti in a bathtub. Remember the conjoined twins that were talked about yesterday? Of course you do, allegedly there’s a picture of them blowing a dude, and yes, it is photoshopped. Sounds like Shoebox really hated Rawdog at first, everyone gets along now way better, but nobody really bothers to disagree with Shoebox anymore because they don’t feel the ensuing fight would be worth it. Tully says he treats each D!D!D! performance as his last, because it has potential to be the final one.

Time for the reverse awards, listeners got to help suggest potential award categories and even some nominees for this year’s categories. There are a bunch of categories and a bunch of nominees, I’m not going to list them all out. Voting isn’t done, so you can still vote for all that shit until at least tomorrow’s show if not over the weekend. While drilling your mom one day, she wanted to get freaky and asked me to strangler her. I wasn’t really into it at first, but curiosity got the best of me. That’s when I found out which organ in the female body remains warm after death. My cock. OH!

Whatever it is that you are saying, it means nothing!