Tag Archives: Will Pendarvis

Show Re-cap For Monday 9/24/2012

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Rawdog filling up his vagina to test his limits.

Monday. It can lick us where we shit, am I right? So let’s see what else Monday has in store for us, and let me just tell you this. If I hear talk about the fucking Emmy’s on today’s show, I’m wrapping this motherfucker up right then and there. Where’s Mayhem been? Why has he just disappeared? Oh wait, maybe it was because of that whole trashing a church while naked thing. Rawdog admits that he may be gullible, but he does not allow his girlfriend to tell him what to do. And if you believe that, you might also be gullible. Tig McPickles now knows how to ride a bike, without training wheels, and Big Daddy Rape Cakes laid down a $500 bet that his son could beat Rawdog in a bike race. A bet that Rawdog would not take. What would you do if you had a vagina for a day? Rawdog would see how many household items he could cram up there and gape himself, you know, for science.

Tiggy’s growing up right in front of our eyes!

Jon Jones beat the shit out of Vitor Belfort with a broken arm, hate him or love him – that’s a goddamned warrior right there. Fuck the other fights just because Bisping won and he’s a douche. Welp, guess what topic came up next. Talk about the Emmy’s. I told you what I’d do, and I was serious. So peace out. Later days and better lays, my friends.

Oh man, you guys are so lucky that I don’t want to make you pay for that Emmy talk shit. It didn’t last long at all, so that was a plus. Talk turned back to Rawdog vs Tiggy in a triathlon of sorts, hopefully you will be seeing that on EllisMania.com in the near future. Hey, Texas prisons are overflowing with prostitutes because apparently Texas considers hooking a felony or some shit. What if prostitution was legal? Would it help or hurt certain societal issues? Overall, it might make things safer for all involved. So according to JizzCult Pendarvis, he bought JizzCult.com, but according to the Internet, he in fact did not, therefore we can never trust Pendarvis again.

I don’t think they had salads back then, so would this be tossing someone’s fig leaf?

World Champion masturbator, Masanobu Sato tugged his lo mein noodle for almost 10 fucking hours! That has to be horrible, I mean if you jack off for that long without blowing a load, your balls are going to make you pay for that shit. Moral of the story here? You can now feel way better about your 4 times a day wank routine, you’re not even scratching the surface. According to Ellis (and maybe Jesus) you should have a girl in your taint region at least once in your life, because it’s glorious. Are you wasting your life away and have a terrible band that nobody wants to hear? Good news! You can still email EllisParodies@gmail.com and if there are enough shitty bands submitting their garbage quickly, they might be able to get a celebrity guest to help judge that nonsense you’ve been wasting so much of your time on.

Hold the fuck up, did I just see Burbank Dave?

Wanna see Rawdog with a little bit of product in his hair and looking like today’s modern terrorist? Sure you do! Sounds like he might be shaving that caterpillar off his face and starting to dress more like a Persian version of Tully. Whether Ellis saw him or not, everyone’s favorite and most consistent stalker, Burbank Dave, saw Ellis over the weekend. Dave’s all over Burbank and he can’t be stopped. You may be lucky enough to notice him if you’re ever in Burbank, he’ll be wearing a green EllisMate shirt that he hates. Back when your mom was still alive, we were driving down the highway and pulled on to a dirt road. We got out of the car and started walking into the woods. Clutching my arm, your mom said, “These woods are really scary.” I said, “Yeah, well I’m the one that has to walk back by myself in the dark later.” OH!

Show Re-cap For Friday 9/21/2012

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It’s Friday and I’m shooting rainbow loads.

It’s Friday, and while nobody is supposed to be giving a fuck, Ellis gave a little bit of a fuck for a very short time because he said these little wedges that you put in women’s shoes is one of the greatest inventions. He’s thinking about making secret ones for men so they can secretly be tall. Rawdog admitted that when he was younger, he saw them in catalog once and wanted those things so he could be taller. Ellis bought Katie a new pair of kicks and posted the picture, which of course rallied up some people who thought the shoes were gay. Tully thought maybe Ellis should kick Will (Jizz Cult) in the shins, but it was settled that Ellis would kick him in the calf – and he did. There was some talk about Russia and iPhone 5’s, but I ain’t talking about no fucking iPhone anything, so fuck that shit right in the shit chute. Apparently Steve Harvey is blowing up right now, I don’t know how, or why, and I really don’t care about him or his big teeth.

 

Let’s see Skrillex take on this dynamic duo!

George St. Pierre was on Criss Angel’s Mindfreak show, warning: by watching this video of two douches, you may cause a rip in the space time continuum. Linsanity is in the 90th percentile for the size of his head, which makes him an ideal candidate for headbutt champion of California. Eva Longoria is opening “SHe”, a steakhouse geared towards women, complete with small plates, a catwalk, and I assume bowls full of tampons instead of after dinner mints. And that has to be the dumbest sentence I’ve ever typed. Male genitalia is smaller than it was 50 years ago, they say stress, smoking, alcohol intake, and fat-assery are to blame – but I blame Detroit. Where have the muscle cars of old gone? Everyone’s driving a fucking minivan, and as well all know, it makes your dick shrink to drive a minivan. LMFAO is breaking up, does that make you want to SHIT or what? Okay, yea, I’m pretty much or what too. But I do feel bad for my daughter and Rawdog, what are they going to party rock to now? Kato Kaelin now says he thinks OJ was guilty, though he has no proof, I’m guessing OJ must have kicked his ass to the curb or something for him to come and say reveal this shocking opinion.

There was a game today where the intern (“Lightening Train”) showed pictures of Will, Rawdog, Tully, and Ellis to some people and they had to try and guess what crime they might commit. It was actually kinda funny, so if you missed it, I feel bad for you son – I got 99 problems but a radio bit ain’t 1. Wow. I’m a total cracker. Hey, you wanna see a pair of boxers that some freak jizzed in for 7 years? I don’t know why, I don’t know how, all I know is that’s one hell of an accomplishment and dedication to the cum storage game. Cum storage – every time I say it, it makes me think of the last time I saw your mother. I went to my local bar and sat down for a drink. “Hey, bitPimps, haven’t seen you in a while. How have you been?” asked the bartender. “Not bad, today has been fantastic. I was walking down by the railroad tracks and there was this naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her took her back to my place and had incredible sex for hours. It was amazing.” I said. “Good for you, man, was she pretty?” asked the bartender. “I don’t know, I never found her head.” OH!

Your mom always knew how to twerk it on the hood of a hunk of shit.

Show Re-cap For Thursday 9/20/2012

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Who gets tired of titties?

Guess who again? That’s right, filling in for my colleague who is indisposed at the moment, but not to worry! The lawyer said there’s not enough evidence to hold him much longer and until there’s a trial, he can have limited contact with the general public. We started the show off with some DogCenter with Dingo and Tully, while we waited for Ellis to get his ass in the studio – topics included tits and ass. Titties are fucking awesome, but you already knew that. And if titties weren’t covered, you might not like them as much. HAHHAHAHAAA! Yeah, right. According to some callers, going around topless is legal – except if you cause some kind of commotion. Take that with a grain of salt, remember, these are callers we’re talking about here. All I know is way more chicks should go around topless, I think everyone would be in a way better mood – do it for the children of tomorrow, today!

While you were talking about celebrities…

Ellis had to go to the hospital for a massive needle in the side of his ass, his ex-wife hates him and won’t pick up her phone, and he had to drop the kiddies off at school and shit – so that’s why he was late. Driving an hour and half in traffic blows. Also, it sucks to suck, but it rules to rule. The guys were reminiscing about EllisMania 8, even while Forrest Griffin was beating the shit out of DanOD5, Danny still took Alicia and Tully to school, and Dingo just about died because he was puking for 20 minutes. Fiona Apple, who’s kinda hot, got arrested for possession of hash. Amanda Bynes, who suffers from butterface, got kicked out of her gym class. Paris Hilton, who’s basically a walking herpes purse, was recorded saying most gay men have AIDS and are “disgusting”. DMX, who’s not hot, ain’t havin’ none of that Google shit. And Dingo, after being taunted about his manliness from Tully, proved he was man enough to rape Rawdog by um, raping him.

Kill me now, or yourself. Either way.

Rawdog came up with a new game called “Name that tune, chopped and screwed”, but there had to be a pot of money for the winner to receive. He put in $5 bucks, but refused to put one more dollar in the pot – so we got the silent treatment while Rawdog was made to feel like a greedy person of a specific ancestry. It took awhile for everyone, besides Rawdog, to get into the game – and they seemed to miss some super easy ones, but nailed the harder ones – Ellis ended up winning the pot, $9 whole dollars. Pendarvis got his Wolfknives name today, as voted on by the listeners, and I believe “Jizz Cult” ended up as the winner. I was going to give you the top 10, but the online player apparently no longer allows me to step back in time – so I missed what they were while driving home and hitting the liquor store. But it’s all good – you’re not even reading this far. So do you remember how Octomom received an offer of $10,000 to pose for some magazine? Your mom got the same offer, but from National Geographic. OH!

Show Re-cap For Tuesday 9/18/2012

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Keep that pimp hand strong

Yeaaaahhh motherfuckers! It’s Tuesday and here’s another re-cap for yo’ asses, blastin’ caps, splittin’ wigs, sprayin’ noodles, all that shit – gangster style. The pimp game ain’t easy, and I should know. So if you’re thinking about becoming a pimp, just remember there are things to deal with, such as: Getting your mind right, getting your monies right, getting your hair right, etc. It’s work people, hard god damn work. Rawdog has several homeless people living in the parking lot near his apartment. Tully taught us there’s basically 3 types of homeless people: Crazy homeless, you’re in a bad predicament homeless, and then the other kind of homeless – the kind that want to deal drugs to your children and then eat them. There were several people who called in claiming to be homeless at one point in their life, and the overall consensus was that most homeless people are cray. If you’ve ever encountered a homeless person, this seems to be very true as sometimes you’ll see them yelling at nothing but thin air.

Doing our part to inspire Rawdog

Everyone is excited for November, except for Rawdog, because he’ll be deep throating a dead horse’s dick when Romney losses the election. It has to be sucked correctly so there’s talk about getting him a blowjob teacher for the occasion. Pendarvis, with his demented mind, thought it would be more uncomfortable if he were to suck that dead horse’s cock in front of one of his family members. And that suggestion right there just changed the game! However, if it happens, it’ll probably be happening at the next DDD show. It’s going to be an absolute train wreck to witness Rawdog pull a Burpo, where he shits, vomits, and cums – all at the same time. Some horse fucker in Florida is all upset, saying that the state is so fucked up for not being more zoophelia friendly, he just likes when the horses are in heat feeling the fur against his balls.

Fiddling with another man’s dick isn’t a good look

Tully’s new album, “Retrofit”,  has gotten up to #32 on the iTunes rock chart, or some chart, and that is higher than your album on whatever chart, so suck it. Speaking of sucking it, how long would it take you to pull a dick off a man’s body? What if you don’t get it pulled all the way off and it takes several yanks? At that point, wouldn’t it just be an extremely rough jerking session? So get this shit, today’s NMT and guess who doesn’t get a song from their new album played? If you guessed Tully, than you would be correct. Sure, Rawdog will play Gangnam Style by PSY or Pink’s new album, but fuck his friend right in the ass. What a jealous cocksucker move. Apparently Rawdog is nicer to homeless people than he is to his “friend”, guess his heritage is really starting to shine through! HEYOH! But hey, guess what? In a “Fuck Rawdog” moment, Tully posted another freebie, “Will a Blank”, for you on his Bandcamp page, go check it out if you want.

Even in her hay-day, your mom was a sick bitch

Shiny Shins Pendarvis purchased his Wolfknives membership and is looking for his nickname, he had to provide another button, but he only did one – so his membership is up in the air. It’s possible that his nickname may be decided by a WGW tomorrow! Apparently a lot of people have been getting their Wolfknives packages, but no names. Ellis was getting pissed at the way his manager is handling the Wolfknives shit because people aren’t getting their names on their cards or some shit. So I was talking about your mother to this co-worker of mine the other day. He was telling about how a long time ago, he was having sex with your mom and she looked at him and said, “Make love to me like in the movies.” So he fucked her in the ass, pulled out and came all over her face and hair. I guess this was just before she started hooking, because she was crying and asking him, “how could  you do that to me!” and his only response was, “I guess we don’t watch the same movies.” OH!

Show Re-cap For Monday 9/17/2012

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Elderly Elvis

Happy friggin’ Monday, and Red Dragons, bitches. Did you say that in that chicks voice or your own? Hey, did you know Tully released his album “Retrofit” today, and he also gave you one song to download for free? Did you know Ellis banged Katie in a hot air balloon Sunday morning, while he was dressed as Elvis and Katie was dressed as Conan’s dead girlfriend? Well, now you know all that shit I just mentioned. But wait! There’s more, if you wanna fuck in a hot air balloon a mile above the earth, make sure you call Above the Rest, that’s their bread and butter! Donald Schultz was supposed to be there for the hot air balloon experience, but once again, he did not show up. Does Donald have a new drug habit we don’t know about, has he turned to murdering and eating blicks? We may never know if he keeps ducking us. Ellis is feeling some heat from him being so open with his life, and what it may or may not do to his children. Pendarvis and Rawdog got in some trouble at the start of the show today. Phones weren’t working and buttons were missing… WILL! The voice machine wasn’t plugged in and shit wasn’t there… RAWDOG!

Sweet Baby Richmond’s knuckle shuffle technique

Tim McGraw’s roadie called into the show to let everyone know that Tim’s been talking big time shit about Ellis, unfortunately, that caller was a liar – a phony, a great big phony, a big fat phony! Some fifteen year-old shit-kicker called into the show, saying he hates living in his tiny redneck town. He likes playing drums, smoking weed, and painting. I missed more of the show due to work, so next thing I came back to was Rawdog talking about cum shooting out of his dick like a sprinkler. I have no clue what that was about, but I tend to believe him that it does. Turns out he doesn’t really know how to jack off properly either, he’s right handed, but uses his left hand – which kind of similar to “The Stranger” because you’re not using your dominate hand, but apparently his motion is all out of whack. HEYOH! Out of whack! Get it? I slay me. Shaun White (aka The Flying Tomato) got arrested for getting wasted, trashing a hotel room in Tennessee, busting his head open, and pulling fire alarms in a desperate bid to escape the long arm of the law. Sounds like Sheriff Buford T. Justice got his man though.

Your mom, working that chair over

What’s your favorite method of birth control? Alligator poop in the pooter? A sponge soaked in lemon juice stuffed up the slit? Drinking the froth from a camel’s mouth? L. Ron Hubbard’s Diuretics? A picture of Rawdog’s mom? How about onion juice on your dick? Whatever it is, it’s probably just as good of an idea as any of the one’s in the past – so you should try it. Tons of dumb callers today, it seemed like more than normal, I don’t know if it was because it was a Monday or if there’s a moron convention going on somewhere. Believe it or not, your mom had two jobs at one point, prostitute, and McDonald’s drive-thru. I remember ordering a Happy Meal for the children chained in the basement, who happen to write this blog, I pull up to the window and she says, “Sorry about the wait”, and I said “That’s okay, I’m not the one fucking your fat ass.” OH!