2013

Posted on September 9, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Said nobody ever, except Dingo.

Welcome to another Monday, another Monday in the Swinghouse studios. Waddup with that, you ask? Well, it’s not ready yet. Hopefully it’s the last show in the old shit kitchen. Dingo’s here today and he don’t know shit about the new shit, new boss shit, and shit. Dingo and Ellis may go to the spa together, but they don’t take showers together, at least at the spa – because that’d be awkward. What exactly does Dingo do? He markets himself and markets shit, endorses himself and endorses shit, he talks about shit, and just does shit and stuff. He also seems to know way too much about JCPenney, I don’t know why or how, but there ya go – JCPenney connoisseur, Dingo! This of course leads us into shelf space and shoe technology, which you guessed it, Dingo straight up fucking rules that shit and schooled us on why action sports apparel is saturated by big brands like Nike, and of course, shit. Bellator 98 was this past weekend and the big news from that was, Perry “Filthy” Filkins grabbed his nipples several times. That’s a power intimidation move if I’ve ever heard of one.

EM9 special guest DJ, Bruce Lee. But not really. He’s dead.

EllisMania 9 is selling like hotcakes, faster than any EllisMania before. This sparked up talk about for sure going for an EllisMania 10. So now there’s more room deals (50 more rooms for 50% off) and shit, and someone or maybe multiple someones will be winning a room and some other shit. Speaking of EllisMania 9, Ellis has pretty much worked out all the fights for the event, so that’s pretty much in the bag, for the most part. Except for a fight or two, and shit. Is Nick Swardson training for his fight with Rawdog? Ellis called to find out and sure as shit, he is. And by training, I mean staying out late, sleeping in, drinking, and doing blow. There’s talk about the winners of EllisMania 9 getting a pimp cup and Dingo getting a golden straw. Not for cocaine, but so he can go up to the winners and steal a swig or two from their pimp cup. In an odd sort of way, Rawdog is the highlight of EllisMania and people are expecting to see him give his best performance, otherwise the entire world is going to stone him to death with used wet wipes. Dingo’s cheese officially slid off his cracker, he thought Tully participated in a fight at EllisMania that never happened. He also thought this was EllisMania 10, not 9, even though it’s been talked about several times today alone. Bad news for Wolfwipes, not everyone is down with using wipes on their balloon knot. Washington DC utility officials say wet wipes have caused a 35% increase in broken shit pumps. But good news for Wolfwipes if they come with a diaper genie.

Jesus, Jesus!

In the state of Iowa, if you are legally blind, you are now able to carry a fucking gun like the blind-ass motherfucker you are. Even Stevie Wonder was like, seriously? That’s insane. It’s okay, it’s not like blind people are reading this anyway. Could you imagine for a screen reader to get done blabbing all the previous shit? Not happening. Wilson came in with Ellis Jeopardy for the guys to play. Last time they played, Tully won but they gave it to somebody else because Tully always wins. And who won today’s episode of Ellis Jeopardy? It should come as no surprise, Michael Tully! Some We met a new intern today, Lynette (sp?) and she’s a poor, pretty white girl. Like Dingo, she don’t know shit about the show, wrestling, or shit – but she does know about Bean as she interned for that turd before – and shit. Like all women, she loves Dingo’s luscious locks and Josh is not allowed to fall in love with her. Sounds like she’s got the chops, kid. One day, she’s gonna be a STAR! In porn. Online. For NYA. OH! Just kidding Lynette. What am I saying? You’re not reading this. Hey, did you hear some old artist got the shit beat out of him over his art? What was his art you ask? A fake gun. With penis bullets. But it shot blanks. In your face. Are you catching any of this? Cuz I’m laying it on pretty fucking thick here. Why did God create yeast infections? So women would also know what it’s like to live with an irritating cunt. Wait. I’m sorry about that. I don’t want to end this re-cap with that. Give me another chance. Come on baby, you can trust me! Do you wanna know how you kill fifty flies at once? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a shovel. Sorry Ethiopians. HEYOH!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 8/26/2013

Posted on August 26, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Get your thinking cap on, today’s full of thoughts!

It’s Monday, and god damn it, my name is not Tim! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But hey, listen. I mean, read. Fuck it, listen and read at the same time. Ever try that? It’s pretty hard to do and comprehend what you’re reading while you’re listening. Seriously. David Blaine tried that shit once and that’s why he seems a little fucktarded in the dome. A better you than the you, you expected is always a pleasant surprise, it can be a bit confusing, but still. Ellis knows Ricky Carmichael (aka The GOAT), he spoke to him and everything. Why is The Offspring in your mom’s ass? We all know you can’t rely on a shit rope, that shit rope is gonna break, and speaking of which, Wilson is like the weatherman. Tully was at an Israeli wedding last night, and wrote down a quote from the groom’s drunken mother. She called her son her, “United Steak of America, I’m sorry, I’m hungry.” Tully recounted his ordeal Friday and his wife’s grandma. They did a short recap of what happened on Friday’s show for Tully, which included Almart. That quickly turned into cool places that get shit-kicked outta business by big chain stores. What does heaven look like to you? What picture would Jesus give you to help you interpret what heaven looks like? Rawdog? God sends him a picture of the Apple store, though he thinks Superman would greet him into The Justice League. Ellis? He wants pizza Jesus because he doesn’t like people telling him what to do, but he doesn’t mind pizza telling him what to do. Tully? He had some serious logic and it was kind of dark and depressing, fitting right in with the streak of evil that lives inside Tully.

Send in your videos, promise, it’ll be okay!

Prostitution has always been legal in Switzerland, did you know that? Did you know about Swiss cheese, Swiss army knives, and Swatch watches? Good. Moving on then. In Zurich, there has been a problem with street walkers, so they built them their own little whore boxes to do their whore work in. Low and behold, Wilson will be going to Amsterdam and then Zurich – make of that what you will. We heard the rest of the t-shirt design winners and none of them included any of mine, so all you people are dead to me. Do you hear me? Dead to me (not Tim)! Ellis is still trying to convince Tera Patrick to box Sam Rubin, a drunk, trash talking, Sam Rubin. Other potential fighters were discussed, such as @Shanwize1, whose fight last year won fight of the night awards. But if she wants to fight, it sounds like she’s going to have to do the leg work to find an opponent because @FaceplantLauren has a jacked up back. And there’s a lot of open spots still for fighters, so don’t be scurred and make a 3 minute video of you punching a bag, a pillow, the air, whatever and send it in to fightclub@ellismania.com.

What is it about the Richmond’s and eating cum?

Fucking MTV VMAs talk time, you knew it was going to happen, and now here it is – rearing it’s ugly head. Miley Cyrus’ ass was the hot topic for pretty much everyone across the globe. Who cares. What I found more interesting was that apparently Alan Thicke’s son (Robin) is someone with a varying degree of significance to stupid kids? I had no idea. I still don’t even know what he does or why, all I know is Alan played Jason Seaver in Growing Pains. Coolio is auctioning off his entire music catalog, which consists of 8 albums over 19 years, so he can raise the skrilla so he can… become a chef. That’s right, he wants to be line cook at Denny’s or some shit. Nobody told him the only reason “Cooking With Coolio” was semi-successful was because it was hilarious to see a rapper with a cook book? Surprise! Rawdog’s sister (Gabi) also wants to be a chef and she cook chicken and shit. I assume “shit” is slang for crack and that she’s giving up her gangster rap career to follow her dreams. Here’s to wishing you all the best, Gabi. Fat Joe is going to the slammer for not paying taxes on a million dollars of income. Not paying taxes is so fucking gangster. Did you know rich people get really good stuff as compared to poor people? Yeah, me too. Did you know Rawdog took everyone’s advice, shit on it, and then bought a Prius? He also thinks he could get $1k for his old BMW, so if you’re into shitty cars that smell like McNuggets, bust out that mason jar of change and it could be yours!

A bunch of college chicks in Australia took pictures of their vagina in an effort to curb the vaginal plastic surgery rage going on down under (HEYOH) and it pretty much backfired because (lips for days) people that saw (lots of hair) the photo were freaked out (defects), so much so (oh god) that the school (kill it with fire) wouldn’t run the ad in the school’s newspaper. This spawned a shitload of pussy talk from callers, and as you can imagine, it was incredible insightful and nobody made any jokes or derogatory remarks what-so-ever. Just remember, you came from one, so you better watch the lip (HEYOH) or things could get hairy (HEYOH) real quick. ~~Reeking~~ I mean speak of which, I remember one time I went to the doctors office, and while in the waiting room I spotted your mom. “Can I smell your pussy?” I asked. “No! How dare you!” she said. So I responded, “It must be your feet then.” OH!

No, really. I mean it.

Show Re-cap for Thursday 8/15/13

Posted on August 15, 2013 by wiz1010

You know how you can just look at the lady walking accross the street on her cell, and the chevy caviler doing a buck n change, also on the cell phone, and envision them meeting one another on a new episode of Most Shocking? Yeah well thats called seeing the future, and who else is better at this than The Future himself. Tully recogns its a dad thing and being SuperDad himself, and who am I to argue. Who can argue with some of the stories we fans send into the show, you know the one’s with a dude, well a dude’s head, attached to a bag, and how you “Gotta check this shit out”. Tully apparently gets a few hundred of those a day, which only means Ellis must get millions and RawDog, well lets just say he was giggling the whole time and is known to be a bit tweaked. Maybe he’s sending them all from various fake twitter handles, but I digress. Instead may I offer you a heart warmer story of how magnets do work, well that they do their job, cause no one knows how the fuck those things work. No one in Nascar seems to know how to make a fucking right, right! Yeah so the boys threw around some Nascar/Kimbo Slice stories all of which are available On Demand with the SiriusXM app. You could also catch the replay tomorrow via the online player, but not if your RawDog…..Today may be the saddest day in Ellis Show history, well except for the day Josh n Jason made out, as RawDog’s computer has passed away to ghetto gigabyte heaven. From there I kinda teared up and wasn’t myself ofr a mintue, I mean I feel for the guy, so I all really got after that was that everyone must surf to save energy to avoid nuking babies, yeah thats about right!

What ~~rock~~ jungle did you crawl out of? Well considering amazon.com is located in Brazil, Im not fucking with these dudes. I’m also not fucking with Joe Rogan, because he’d tweet my phone number and shit to get back at me. He would be an awesome announcer for EllisMania, but since he ain’t been asked its not looking good. Rabid wolves looked good, on a t-shirt and front and center at the LA Zoo, but for a limited time only I’m guessing. Apparently Tully says they like to eat dogs when all hoped up on the rabies, and they enjoy humans too (Didn’t catch if thats to hang out or to eat, but Im willing to roll those dice). They also eat you while your alive, which is really thoughtful since you’d just want it over with as slow and painful as possible. Rabid wolves can also been seen at the Hard Rock in Vegas this Saturday, October 12th and again, they are not harmful…..as long as you don’t spill their beer! Seriously folks I kinda missed a bit of the show but like Ellis do ponder if the bear proof steal suit guy could befriend rabid wolves cause he’s all inedible n what not. From there it was just gifts from Will not Pendarvis for all the boys to enojy such as Tim Tams and Caramel Koalas. Not EllisMate though, he’s gotta train to have all his mental energy to rig this upcomnig fight, so Tully n RawDog I say Good On Ya!

If your a dude born as a chic and you know it clap your dick!! And while your at it move your ass out to Cali baby where you can choose which bathroom you wanna use in elementary school. Kinda gonna put an end to Pimping Aint Easy, and shitty women’s basketball one could hope! Shout out to EllisFam Zach Howard who won the Ellis T-Shirt contest and will be receiving a new Wolfknives ring and a collab with The Wing to get this puppy up for sale! No shout out to those who sent in bomb drops cause TJES still needs a good clean bomb drop if you got one laying around. I guess Will Jizz Cult Pendarvis III has wolfknive names laying around cause some of the shit he had today was just miraculous. Such ledges as The Shocker, Holy Diver, The Tank, and who could forget Mr. Freezer. He did pull Kansas City Guacamole out of his ass, but thats just what he’s into since he’s got him that sketchy swordfish nutjob for his nut jobs, allegedly of course. So some baby in India blew up for like the 4th time, just minutes before they put my ass on hold to pay my cable bill. Its some phenomenon that people can just combust spontaneously, kinda like premature ejaculation for but a burning sensation before and during as opposed to after. That almost happened to Lance Mountain one time, not the early wad thing but the combustion deal. He lit a rag on fire after gassing up his board on his final run, but was too fast for that shit to catch so I’m guessing lost to “Hey Hey, It’s Tony Hawk” but who hasn’t.

Teen Advice anyone? I mean how can you tell if your gay? What if your pee is a dark brown, could something be wrong? How do you tell your girl to spot slapping and pinching you cause its hurting you? Who would buy a pack of socks to jerk off in? Oh, RawDog is the answer to that last one. Turns out The Illusionist makes his junk disappear into a pair of Hanes finest, but by himself as opposed to with two other dudes! Not anymore though as we all know he’s tagging more ass than something that tags a lot of asses, and why not. We all know the dudes who were cool in school grew up to be a tool, and those who fucked off turned out to be millionaires. Don’t believe me, then call 855-ELLIS41 at 7am on the east side, 4am on the west, and yell “FORE”. Not sure what the hell that is suppose to mean, but final calls can be shaky at times. Speaking of shaky, I was at Shakey’s one time when I noticed these two fine chics one the other side of the salad bar. So I shoved a cucumber in my pants to make them think I had a dick like a snake, you know for ultimate satisfaction, and proceeded past the diced carrots to get a closer look. I get around to the other side and ask this massive whale of a beast if she saw two ladies just here a second ago, and as she turns around I see a huge streak of shit stain drool down the front of her blouse only to realize my mistake……I didn’t look at her face, OH!

Welcome To The Pendarvis Grill & Pub!

Posted on July 24, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Home style cooking!

So obviously there was no show today. And what happens when we’re all bored because our favorite radio show isn’t live? We find a way to stave off boredom, that’s what we do. So I decided it was time to play a game called #PendarvisAndSides The premise? Wll has died and said we could eat him, so people pitched in ideas for ways to eat Will and the sides that could go along with Will. Like a massive Thanksgiving feast with all sorts of food, anything and everything went. This gave me the idea, with all this food, we needed a menu so people could easily choose what they wanted. Thus, the Pendarvis Grill & Pub was spawned. Thanks to everyone who participated, we now have a menu! Let’s check it out.
* Nutrition chart unavailable.

中 Our Menu 中

Lil’ Will Smokies
Will’s fingers & toes smoked until tender and then lightly cooked in a sweet glaze, served with a mixed fruit and Will eye / testicle salad, topped with crushed pecans and cigarette ashes.

Crispy Wills
Will skin chips, lightly salted, with his ball cheese, sweat, & salsa for dipping

Waistline Will
A small portion of baked, boneless, and skinless Will on a bed of rice pilaf and served with green beans almondine.

Pendarvis BLT
Will bacon cooked to perfection with a hint of maple and Marlboro, lettuce, tomato, and mayonnaise, served with sweet potato fries.

Pulled Pendarvis
Slow smoked (in tobacco), hand pulled Will sandwich with chipotle mayonnaise and pickle slices, served with baked beans and cantaloupe.

Slick Willy
Pendarvis confit served with deviled eggs and a pack of your choice from Philip Morris.

Southern Pendarvis
Thick slices of Pendarvis roast served with candied yams and collard greens.

Will Medallions
Will medallions smothered in gravy and topped with melted provolone cheese, served with potatoes au gratin.

Tender Pendar
Fresh cuts of Will dry rubbed and slow smoked for 24 hours, served with mashed potatoes and corn on the cob.

Welfare Will
A generous portion of mac-n-cheese with sliced pieces of all beef Will, served with a deep fried Twinkie.

Rack O’ Pendarvis
A half rack of Pendarvis spare ribs, served with coleslaw and cornbread.

Pendarvis Panini
Tender pieces of Will with an assortment of fresh peppers, onions, melted cheese, and a shiny shin salad.

Alabama Fried Will
Breaded & fried Will breasts, served with mashed potatoes & gravy and a biscuit.

Heil Pendarvis
Willwurst with sour kraut, served on a lightly toasted bun with a dab of spicy mustard.

Smoked Pendarvis
Tender, slow smoked cut of Will meat, served with coleslaw and beans.

Yippee Ki Willay Burger
Will burger cooked to perfection, topped with onion strings, and with your choice of cheese, and condiments, served with onion rings.

Sweet Home Alabama, Will’s Bad Mama Jama
Deep fried Pendarvis shins with crispy onions and home fries.

Pendarvis Plantation Special
Smoked Will hocks served with collard greens.

Fancy Pants Pendarvis
Bacon wrapped 6 or 9 ounce filet of Will, served with roasted garlic mashed potatoes and grilled asparagus.

Hairless Sir Pendarvis
A tender cut of Will sirloin steak, served with chemotherapy.

Sign Your Will
Our famous PenChowder.

Ballpark Pendarvis
Smokey Will dogs topped with crumbled bacon bits, served with potato salad.

Handy Willy
Will’s meaty hands fried to perfection in his own belly fat and served with gravy.

Rise ‘N Regret
Eggs Willy cooked to order, served with hashbrowns, bacon, champaign and orange juice, and a lifetime of regret.

Struck Match
Your choice of Pendarvis and waffles or Pendarvis scrapple with eggs, topped with ketchup and tobacco spit.

中 Desserts 中

Deep fried Twinkie, pecan pie, bread pudding, and cupcakes with brown frosting.

中 Beverages 中

Pepto-Bismol, Iced Tea, Mountain Dew, Mountain Dew, and Mountain Dew.

Try our hair pies! Contains 100% fruit and Pendarvis pubic hair!

Thanks to: @TwistedMetalFab, @shit_toboggan, @emilyinSD, @eastcoasttully, @Cody_McCraw92, @sharkchucker, @mike_in_canada, @J_Chappel, @Truk_Norris, @Scarlet_Kitty, @willfromcowtown, @thegooser, @mighty_boognish, @CrackerStacker6, and of course me, @bitPimps, because I’m an attention whore!

Show Re-Cap for Wednesday 5/15/2013

Posted on May 15, 2013 by bitPimps 中

Who’s more annoying? This European man or Dom? NYA presents, you make the call!

Hello, my name is bitPimps and I’ll be your captain today. We’ll be cruising at an altitude of fuck your mother, our travel time is whenever we fucking get there, so sit back, relax, and whip your tits out. Sounds like Tully’s wife is a champion swearer. She likes dropping the F bomb around the house like some oil rig worker… on an oil rig and stuff. Burger Ellis has a shitting problem, like a bad one. He shit on his own ass, leg, and it got on Big Daddy Jayce Cakes’ fresh out of the package shirt! Dom got a bit of a ass chewing today for being 2 weeks late with some props for the punishment envelopes and for having excuses worse than what a 6 year-old could make up. He said it was because he’s working on getting a budget for the mostly free things on his list, and waiting on Sirius for a whopping $150 bucks. I’ll have to admit, emailing corporate for $150 looks pretty fucking dumb, but what the hell do I know. If you had to get a skin graft on your nose, where would you want the skin harvested from your body to re-create your nose? Rawdog chooses ass, Ellis chooses the inside of his leg, and I’m choosing the bottom of my foot because that sounds gnarly.

Stop eyeballing me, son!

Will came in with a jolly “hi” and to play some “you sir, are a moron” and have a few yuks. What is the minimum amount of showers a person can take in a week and it be acceptable? Maybe not so surprisingly, Rawdog thinks you can get away with a shower every other day, and he’s got the ball stink to prove it. What about spray tans? Everyone seems to be in agreement that the sun is better, men should never do it, and women can get away with a touch-up here and there. But that shit better be in small amounts and good enough that people don’t know it’s spray-on tan. Of the seven deadly sins, which is the worst? Who the fuck knows, none of them agreed. What is the best way to get out of a speeding ticket? Be apologetic and polite. If you had to get rid of a dead body, who on the show staff would you call? Everybody chose Ellis, without hesitation. And who is the last person associated with the show that you’d call to help get rid of a dead body? Once again, without hesitation, everyone agreed Rawdog – you’re better off just calling the police. Do you ever feel bad about killing an insect? Rawdog says no. Ellis has before. And Tully doesn’t just doesn’t give a shit. What is the most uncool musical instrument? Easy, a harp, and of course Rawdog had an “awesome” song ready to listen to. What’s the sexiest piece of clothing a woman can wear? Boy shorts & my dick. What country has the worst food? Rawdog doesn’t like Mexican food, Ellis doesn’t like fast food. But let’s just any place that serves raw squid and shit like that. What is the world’s most annoying sound? Ellis says Dom, just him existing. Rawdog says nails on a chalkboard. Tully says the sound of people eating. What is the most annoying accent? German, Canadian, and that super twangy Asian accent. Who is the creepiest celebrity in history? Charlie Sheen took the prize, with R. Kelly and Hugh Hefner as close runner’s up.

David Bowie is pleased to hear this.

In odd things to fuck news, some dude in Sweden was found dead because he tried fucking a hornets nest. Some dude from South Dakota was arrested for masturbating in someone’s backyard, and they found tapes of him fucking traffic signs. Some dude in England was arrested after people saw him having sex with a post lamp. And to top it all off, some dude in Hong Kong was fucking a hole in a metal park bench, he got his dick stuck and had to be rescued. They tried to use needles to drain the blood from his still erect dick, it didn’t work so they had to cut away parts of the bench to get this crazy bench fucker to the hospital. Hollywood news time, Tupac hologram has been shot! Nah, just kidding. That was a Tully joke. This years Rock The bells festival will feature Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Eazy-E holograms, word on the streets is there will be a cease fire between the holograms. Andy Dick and Jennifer Gimenez have been dating for a couple months and she swears he is not gay, even though he admitted on the show that he was dating guys exclusively previous to his current relationship. A Taylor Swift fan was arrested after swimming up to her Rhode Island beach house, actually about a mile away from her house, but whatever – he got arrested. Kim Kardashian bought Kayne and $750k Lamborghini, and then the electric gate at her house closed on the car before it could be delivered. Neener-neener-neener! Jaden Smith doesn’t want an emancipation from his parents, he’ll live there until he’s old enough to buy his own house, which I’m guessing he’s waiting to turn 16 for. Angelina Jolie said she will now have her ovaries removed as a precautionary measure, making her one step closer to a Terminator. Rod Stewart said steroids made his pee-pee shrink, no word on what’s up with his face though. Metallica, taking a page out of Katy Perry’s playbook, has a 3D movie coming out called “Through the Never.” It’s part concert film, part movie, and all out fucking ~~metal~~ stupid. Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine donated $70M for a new USC academy, leaving one to wonder if the Dr. Dre wing of the dorms will be like Compton.

Better recognize, bitch!

Hey, are you fat? Good news, just eat insects and you’ll be A-Okay! Ladies and gentleman, we have started our decent, please get on your knees, open your mouth, and stare up at me with a look of longing. Anal Gay-Lewis, who is a sultry 21 years-old, got given a test of how much 90’s knowledge he had. Turns out, more than anyone thought! Although he didn’t know what group/s Eazy-E was in, or what Milli Vanilli is most famous for, he did know who Lisa “Left Eye” Lopez was and most of the other questions. With this knowledge, it landed him the producer spot and quickly began to bark orders for Dom to go get him an iced coffee and pizza. And just as quickly as he became producer, he was then fired and set back to intern status after not listening, at all really, to Ellis. This pretty much led us into final calls and few other tiny morsels, but nothing all that noteworthy. But, before you de-board the plane, make sure you pick up all your fucking shit and shit, because my drunk ass will be banging the shit out of the hot stewardess that’s been flirting with all flight and I don’t want any interruptions! So now, I’ll leave you with this little bit of knowledge. How do you know when a girl is too young? When you have to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth. OH!

No You Are

Red Dragons, Bitches

Tag Archives: Will Pendarvis