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Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 5/27/14

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Holy fuck, they should make every weekend a three day weekend. I got so much masturba-…uh, housework done. It was just the free time I needed to soil two huge piles of clean clothes with my seme-…ummm, fold, I meant fold, not soil. I also was able to wash down my grimey ass stove with a layer of hot jizz. Not a typo. No corrections. I busted a can of spray on the stove. Welcome to Oakland, bitch. Anyways, it’s almost that magical time of the day when Faction stops letting shitty pop music get mixed in with their punk, metal and hip-hop, and Jason Ellis takes over to be all Australian and shit. Today’s show got started with talk about how having a huge cock should be something that people admire personally. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a big public thing, but if you happen to get into porn, well then you’re just an egotistical asshole. Dingo was in the studio today, being the Dingo, as he’s known to do. He was at some EDC thing in New York over the weekend and if I cared at all about techno music I would have paid attention. Jude also was hanging out today and the guys talked beards and haircuts and how some proper grooming can take years off of your face. Unless you go for the beard implants, then you’re just an egotistical asshole. Tully broke it all down as an equation of how long people are trying to stay in the cool game nowadays, and how they’re all trying too god damn hard and just cause you know how to make a martini with an egg doesn’t mean your saggy balls are worth anybody’s time. The guys listened to some audio of Dingo talking to Cullen about his attempt last week at doing interviews at Street League for the show and how the audio sucked and Jason was a little too harsh about it. Jason apologized, and explained that @shit_toboggan could see lots of the fans on twitter sounded pretty bored with the whole thing, so it maybe wasn’t as much of a success as he was hoping for. Jude made sure to tell Dingo not to suck so bad at interviewing people and to check his god damn sound levels like he’s got some fucking idea what he’s doing and maybe the second try will be a little better. All joking aside though, Ellis, Jude and Tully shared a few war stories of fucked up remote sessions of years past and how it’s not always the host’s fault. Jude once had a porn star taste test his semen on air and forgot to turn on the microphones, but luckily it was against the rules of radio so #Allegedly it didn’t happen. This made Ellis recant that time he tried drinking his piss to try and be like Leo Machida, and he went into great detail about the distinct tang and self loathing that human urine creates when ingested orally. Jason is still healing from his heart surgery last week. He went to take a piss the other day and his stomach was abnormally swollen and he had bruises all around where the doctors went in through his groin to do stuff to his ticker. Jude let us all know that he’s pretty much perfected his ass washing technique, just gotta get some Irish Spring and a washcloth and don’t let anybody know how deep you fist yourself with that washcloth cause it could jeopardize your career in the hip hop industry. The guys talked for a while about ways to market Junkie Piss Popsicles, and all the different ways you could cross promote other cheap last resort ways to get high, like Syzzurp-sicles. And before we get too far off topic, styrofoam really does hold in the cold better than plastic Solo cups. Tully decided to scroll through Dingo’s Instagram photos to see if they could guess who he knows that drinks a lot of syzzurp, and while Dingo wouldn’t necessarily sell them out, there were some guesses that would certainly be believable to the average man with a decent grasp on pop culture. This was a perfect segue for Jude and Dingo to criticize Jason’s nose and give suggestions on how he should fix his mangled honker. After some discussion of plastic surgery, Ellis started thinking that if hair implants don’t work, it may be time to start investing in wigs. Jude gave his two cents on how people who get laser hair removal around the giblets are probably doing the world a disservice when they get older cause that’s when people are more likely to be inspecting that whole area. But on the plus side, America has won the war against crabs. No, not the ones from New England, I mean the ones that crawl on your nuts and fuck up a perfectly good set of sheets while making you itch so god damn hard you’ll rip your scrotum off if it would just make the pain stop. Jude started getting hot and bothered talking about Princess Leia in her slave outfit at Jabba’s Palace, which is when Ellis broke the news that he’s gonna get a dungeon so that he can consensually sexually abuse people. Dingo completely misunderstood what Jason meant by dungeon and started imagining a place with outside access to order a pizza, DirecTV and an Xbox. Like an in-law cottage or something off the back of someone’s house. Jude remembers one time when he went to a BDSM bar and came across a lady who was unnaturally tall but it turns out she just had a guy who would follow her around and lay down for her to stand on everywhere she went. That said, foreallyshow.com and the new release of Hyena should be out in a few months, so get the fuck on it. Tully tried to drive around the city giving out burgers but all the homeless people were on vacation and also his wife shut him the fuck down. Also, he tried to give one to a gay prostitute but his wife didn’t want a gay Mexican hooker following them home begging for scraps. The guys took some calls and stuff. There was some talk about a Grenade/Wolfknives crossover product of some sort, then Dingo brought up a picture Katie put on Instagram of a fake penis tattoo on her foot that Kelly Osbourne saw. Somebody has been obsessively tweeting a petition to save the rhinos at Ellis and Dingo and the guys talked for a while about how stupid it is to drive an entire species out of existence just cause you think that rhino horn is gonna give you a stronger erection. The guys all aired out the massively overgrown pubes adorning their hippie vags and had an environmental awareness session to remind the human race that it really is our fault for everything, and it’s kind of true except for the few who try to make a difference. Tully found a news story about the guy who invented Soylent (which will surely cause him a lawsuit for plagiarizing the name of the famous Charlton Heston movie) and how it would be good for the world as a whole if more people could climb on board with the whole “drink all of your meals in a slightly semen-like concoction that an overworked programmer came up with because he couldn’t be bothered to go grocery shopping and cook properly” train. Fucking nutrients and shit. Remember when I mentioned Ellis’ swollen stomach? Well apparently he’s also had apocalyptic flatulence for the last few days. Chicken-egg, something like that, but all the same he’s a model rocket engine waiting for a light. While we all laugh to ourselves about other people’s intestinal disfunctions, let’s have some awesome world to remind us that heaven has naked bitches and chocolate everywhere and a pretty sweet ramp.

 

MOTO NEWS YA BEE-YIE-ITCH!!! Some guys rode some dirtbikes at Glen Helen over the weekend, and a good time was had by all. The guys talked about how much people in TV need to maybe give it a rest, like Oprah Winfrey and that god damn Lindsay Lohan show that really doesn’t give any important information or solve any problems or exist for any reason other than existing. Somebody sent in a sweet little RC car ramp for Jason to jump those cars that Ken Block gave him. In particular today, the ramps were used as a testing session for a future wheel of doom loser who would have to lie down the long way between the launch and landing and see if the cars could clear it. With Cumtard being the show’s whipping post for now and probably all time, he was the one to get in the hot seat to see if these miniature machines can fly as hard and far as they are assumed to be able to. After a few rough runs in practice, with coming up short and front flips and smashing the fuck out of Dingo’s knee and all kinds of other mishaps, Kevin finally got in place to make his attempt not to lose a testicle for the show, and in true tard fashion he decided to guard his face instead, but luckily for him the car got right over him with no great catastrophes. The guys talked for a bit about the UFC fights that happened this weekend and that one guy who kept fighting despite his ankle being shattered and not just kept fighting but KICKED SOME FUCKIN’ ASS!!! There was more MMA talk as there tends to be whenever the topic comes up. I went out for dinner last night and wound up watching a few minutes of MMA with some folks over outrageously overpriced burgers and a milkshake that ended up being more calories than I’m used to but absolutely delicious and satisfying at the same time. So there’s that, fighting and red meat. As much as I talk about leaving America, I did partake in two of our oldest pastimes. That said, the guys decided to take a break which was promptly derailed by malfunctioning equipment at SiriusXM in which they fucked up a Beatles song, and a bumper, and then a Machine Head song, but in the end it sorted itself out.

 

HAVE YOU BEEN TO HATEBEAN.COM?!?!?! It basically just links to the one HateBean shirt on Ellis’ website, but before that, you can read some incredible slack-jawed engrish that will surely put a smile on your face. Before you do that though, Doug Benson came by the studio to hang out for a while. They talked accents and how Jason can occasionally turn his off when he needs it and Dingo tried to be an American but it was like a New York Jew from the 23rd layer of hell. Jason told the story of how he was talking to a friend from the motherland and was really shook by just how Australian he was. Doug noticed that there was a box of kleenex, a bottle of purell, and a blu-ray copy of the Korean version of the movie Old Boy, and that brought up the question have you ever jerked off with purell? And if so, how bad does it sting? Dougs answer was yes, and I didn’t start smoking weed till 28 when I was a comic on the road. While Jason was cleaning up the shelf he couldn’t help but notice that there was other weird crap on their like nuts, dental floss, a timer, and all kinds of other chotchkies that apparently didn’t get the memo that there would be no chotchkies in the new studio. The guys talked for a bit about how purell is a steaming load of commercialist fear mongering and how WILSON needs to stop napping on the torture couch and get himself a real apartment, even though he’s never gonna be there cause he works 72 hours a day. The boys talked psychology and how it’s really stupid that there’s a guy who can give you a reference to the guy who’s gonna give you the actual treatment, and how the guy who gives you the treatment could at least pretend to be a little more interested in performing some sort of treatment on another person’s mental state so they don’t have sleepwalking murder episodes. A psychological professional called in to explain the difference between all the psychological professionals and what their different ranks mean and it made enough sense, aside from the fact that no one can figure out which one gets to say when you can stop dumping medication in your face. Doug got called out for being really friendly with the porn community, but still complaining that he’s not getting laid often enough, and he responded by demanding a lie detector test. Basically, he wants his blow jobs to have some feeling behind them, and not just a love of sucking dick or crystal meth or proving someone’s dad right. And fuck what you heard, comedians don’t have groupies. The group basically settled the whole matter by coming up with a game where Doug tears through a slew of hot ladies and the world holds up their hands for for him to high five at his leisure. And if that fails, Bonnie Rotten and Ronda Rousey get to fight for the Benson dick. Or maybe Doug can just plow through a whole bunch of his fans, cause they’re great people in his eyes and he loves hanging out with them, so if they happen to want to blow him, he’s pretty much got the pick of the litter. Doug told a few stories about getting kicked out of hotels for smoking weed in the rooms, and swimming with sharks, and how to cook up the best romantic getaway for him to share a bongload with the victor of the “Win Doug Benson’s Semen” death match that will almost surely be part of EllisMania 10. There was some talk about what celebrities would be best to invite onto Doug’s YouTube show “Getting Doug With High” and there have been some memorable ones, like David Cross and Eric Andre, but some of the suggestions floated were for the likes of Nick Swardson (who probably wouldn’t because he drinks too much to smoke weed) and Joe Rogan (who probably wouldn’t cause he tends to run his own performance more than anything else). The guys took a break so Doug could get some water and Cheetos, then came back with a game for Doug to join in with.

 

Don’t forget, unsigned bands still happens from time to time, and might be happening again soon, so send your shit in to submittoellis@gmail.com and you might get a week of unsolicited airplay between noon and 4PM on a satellite radio station. Someone sent in a burnout video of a guy who had purple smoke tires, which I have seen and they are a hilarious addition to any burnout video or drift compilation. I know Kumho Tire makes red, yellow, and blue, but I haven’t seen the purple ones. There’s a couple other companies that make them too, but only for select wheel sizes, so if you feel like adding to these YouTube sensations of rubber shredding destruction, order yourself a pair and fire up the go-pro. That said, IT’S TIME FOR ELLIS JEOPARDY!!! As is par for the course, it’s hilarious to hear a dyslexic Australian try to describe things for other people to figure out, especially when one of the people is a career pothead and another one is an Australian who always seems a bit off track with what’s going on in his immediate vicinity, unless it’s something radical. Frogs are lubey, Doug wants Bonnie Rotten to taste the golden spray, Tully is a pot smoker bordering on addict levels, Whitney Houston is still dead but was wasted like a mother fucker all the way, Dingo can’t keep his dick out of frogs, Chong is constantly cock-blocking Cheech, Yoda is more grey than green but still pretty green, XXX: State Of The Union would have been impossible cause Ice Cube doesn’t have the arm span to jump off a building and grab a helicopter, The Breakfast Club was a classic but it really did bomb for a good reason before it reached cult classic status, Jaws really didn’t need any sequels but when has that ever stopped Hollywood from letting them happen, Bill Murray has jungle fever, and there were no final calls cause Tony Hawk was live and Jeopardy took the whole final hour. Now go stick it so far up your ass you can blow your nose with it.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/5/2014

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katie-leto

Cumtard when the beezin’ really kicks in.

Yo, yo, yo! Wazzup my n-bombs? Just kidding, I doubt any of you are Norwegian. That’d be kinda funny if Norwegians were all thugged out and shooty & stabby, while black people liked cold weather and cross country skiing. Anyway, enough about the stupid things that plague my mind, let’s see what we had for a show today. We don’t know fish, because we don’t get to hang out with them long enough. Even with scuba tanks, it’s still not long enough to really get to know the fish and the fish to get to know us. Ellis is obviously a massive fan of the supercross, but fuck The Offspring. Remember that whole Faction Board of Directors thing? The results are in, but none of us get to know about any of it – so I’m calling bullshit. There’s no directors. There’s no board. I’m not even sure there’s a Faction. Plus, this website doesn’t even exist, this isn’t even a recap either. Ellis saw Thomas Haden Church’s Castaway movie, called Whitewash. In the movie, he accidentally kills a man during a drunken night joyride, I assume on his snowplow. He hides the body then disappears into the woods. Dingo saw some documentary on mass suicide and it wasn’t about Jonestown. Is Dingo planning something? I’m not saying he is, I’m just sayin you might wanna stay on your toes around him. Will watch a TV show about Fargo or some shit. Tully was the only person on Earth who watch the Mayweather fight. What does Katie call blonde-headed bimbos? Shit pigs. Also, she totally boinked Jared Leto, but don’t say anything. Apparently she’s been working lately and Ellis hates it because he misses her. You wanna know what Aussie’s call a beer? A tinny. Know what a slab is? It’s a case of beer. Do you really even care? Of course you don’t. Jetta is looking like shit today, wearing wrinkled clothes, having a “blah” attitude, and being high as fuck while on the job. Shout out to Dirty Sean & the boys! Cumtard felt left out so he tried to get all beezy by trying out the latest trend among the kids, beezin’. Beezin’ didn’t work and Cumtard did not end up pooping in the hat the doctor gave him, even though he’s had diarrhea again this morning. He also failed at using his boner as a towel rack. The dude that played Deebo in the movie Friday drives a Bentley and you know Dingo can vouch for that shit because Dingo knows everyone. Drugs and shark tattoos of a shark eating a man were two other short topics, not at the same time though.

buy-that-for-a-dollar

That pinky ring from Kelly?

You got any suggestions for the wheel of doom? Tweet those ideas to the show. Ellis was looking for electronic drum kits, Devin already found a little rhythm and Tiger just goes apeshit like Animal from The Muppets. Tully got checked by TJ Lavin for one of his comments during the show last week. Dingo got gifted a little pinky ring from noted shit pig, Kelly Osbourne. I’m not sayin’ they’re fucking, I’m just sayin’ ewww. Dingo tells us that the delay in Kanye & Ditch Pig’s wedding is because they’re hammering out a prenupt, because he makes a lot of money but also spends a lot of money. Segue into Bakerfield police investigated cummy pubic hair cupcakes some chick made for all the bullies at her school. Jude’s currently looking at Cumtard’s porn girlfriend’s snatch in his studio, which isn’t really breaking news for Jude, Cumtard, or that porn chick’s snatch. By the way, Cumtard is okay with all this. Ellis is trying to be nicer to callers because of this supposed Board of Directors thing saying people want him to be nicer. Today’s Cinco de Mayo, celebrating tequila, tacos, and cheap labor. A caller swears there is a penis fertility test for Cumtard to take to help cure his lazy boner. First he has to do some marathon masturbation in a 16-hour span and then pull his nuts out as far as he can or something. I can’t see how scientific this could be, but I’m backing the idea for Cumtard to do because his dick is gonna be ground up hamburger after 16 hours of whackin’ it.

whatd-you-do

Travis when someone gets hurt at Pastranaland.

One of Dingo’s friends came in for a visit, Trevor Jacob. He’s a snowboarder, Olympian, in Nitro Circus, and probably has more accolades that I’m not mentioning. He actually met Ellis when he was 6-years-old and Ellis had broken a world record. He went up to Ellis to get an autograph but didn’t have anything for him to sign, so Ellis took off one of the DC shoes he was currently wearing, signed the shoe, and gave it to Trevor. The two reminisced about the past, talked about how they’re both pretty crazy, making dumb decisions, taking some bad spills, and also talked a little about what he’s doing now and plans for the future. They watched a video of Trevor almost dying at Pastranaland and a video of him doing the first double backflip on a skateboard. Dude had to have anal surgery for a broken tailbone too. That’s surgery going through the butthole. A widened butthole. With tools and shit. So many innuendos, too little time. Ever seen a goblin shark? Well now you have. You act like your parents because of you choice of pants. Wait, no. You act like your parents because of your genes jeans. And that’s why you’re a bitch-ass ass-bitch, because you look like your mother wearing mom jeans that go above your belly button and you got that bitch pouch mid-zipper. OH!

Show Recap for Thursday 4/10/2014

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Is this pen gonna work? No? How about this one? Nope? Fuck. Dammit. I hate this pen. Uggghhhh…I need new pens so bad. Blah, blah, blah, this one will work, I guess. <3 <3 <3
Because, according to my notes, that is how the show started today!!!! In actuality…welcome to the recapiest recap of the recapable recapacapacap written by a lady wielding a vagina this week of The Jason Ellis Show!!! You’ve missed me!!! You know it!!! So many things have happened on the past couple of Thursdays, except not, because there was no show just some Best Of and you came to this site neeeeeeeding to see the beautiful words that I write and you were left wanting. I know. The horror. That’s probably why I got so many new followers on instagram without needing to post pictures of my butt or put copious amounts of cleavage in my avi. Yeah, I know, I know what goes on.

But really this time.

Welcome to your favorite site of recaps that has ever existed for The Jason Ellis Show! Ellis opened up the show today talking about how he has one microphone stick that says ‘host’ and another one which says ‘God’ and that’s a lot to live up to, but Ellis gets down with pressure and he is up for the challenge, so fuck you! Probably. Because, you know, there’s a lot of shit that you come up against in life, like being young and having to blow some people and your bones coming out of your arm, and while they may not have expressly happened to you, everyone has their shit stories (and if you don’t you’re either lying and we all hate you, or you live a charmed life and we’d all hate you if you weren’t so awesomely charmed) and you have to suck it up and keep on going. I don’t really know if Ellis got to that part of the message, but that’s the message he’s always throwing out there and I was driving by this point and that’s what I’m saying, so feel free to take it as gospel. From an atheist. Boom. Mind blown.

Anywhoooo…all of this talk of shit going down in your life and it being scary as shit having your bones come out of your arm (that almost happened to me when I was 8 and even being on the brink of having bones splinter and erupt through your flesh is pretty goddamn terrifying) snowballed into talk about scary movies and scary things and how the horror genre has made the shift from the Saw-based realistic (sort of) horror to the more supernatural horror movies that we have been getting over the last few years like…uh….I keep seeing a preview for Oculus which looks supernatural and terrifying….so that is my example. I don’t watch horror movies because my life has been horrific enough and I was scarred for life by Jason Goes to Hell when I was about 6 years old (seriously…I was present during a conversation about Michael Meyers about 2 years ago and I had nightmares about him for a week…it was a conversation…I didn’t even watch the fucking movie) and basically even the worst, non-scary movie out there will give me anxiety attacks for a month. I feel like I’ve said this before to you guys who are nameless and faceless and reading this, so, if that’s true…sorry for the re-hash of a re-cap…but it’s applicable, so fuck you at the same time…kind of. Ellis enjoys the ‘it can actually happen’ horror movies as opposed to Tully who likes the supernatural horror movies, because Ellis wants to see some movies where big wild animals like Lions, and Tigers, and Bears (oh my!) are walking around chewing on a still struggling Dorothy as opposed to linking arms with her and singing and dancing their way to Oz…because that shit is frightening for realsies. Tully explains that he prefers the supernatural horror because he, in real life, would get locked into a cage with a lion and be resigned to his fate and not surprised at the prospect of the lion attacking and mauling him to death, but he doesn’t really know how he would react if the supernatural forces out there were out to get him and tear him limb from limb with their supernaturalforciness. I get that. Either way…I’m not fucking watching. So there.

On the supernatural wave we shall surf further and talk of shadow people that Will saw as a child, and no- he was not referring to black people, he was talking about some sort of oogly-googly ghosties that would send Shaggy and Scooby Doo scrambling for the comfort of the nearest hilarious object to hide in. And even still speaking of the supernatural…how come the guys from those Ghost Hunter television shows were never contacted about having Ellis on their show? Wilson, where are you? Oh, wait, what’s that? They were contacted and they seemed none too eager to have a potentially adversarial person who doesn’t believe in the supernatural at all on the show? Oh. Well. Oh….jerks. It would have been entertaining. We all know by now that Ellis has absolutely no belief in the supernatural because he’s been all over the world and on all sorts of drugs and the closest thing that he’s ever come to a supernatural experience is when he put a can of Sprite down and it shimmied its way across the coffee table…but he kept his cool and did some googling…and it was from the condensation, guys, so calm down. Tully is pretty skeptical regarding the whole supernatural thing…I remember him briefly talking about an experience with a tape recorder or something and relating it to his own unknown psychic energy (except when he explained it, it didn’t involve the words psychic energy at all and sounded way more plausible) so I really think that he could go either way when confronted by the whole supernatural thing, which is why he is more scared by horror movies that are supernatural in nature. And I’m soooooo over typing out the word supernatural. Moving on, there was talk about Sasquatch and how they can’t exist, and people still think that they exist, and getting a budget to pull some wicked awesome squatch pranks on unsuspecting people.

Back from the first break, Tully tells us that there was a 63 year old woman in Tathta, Australia went for an annual swim with some other swimmers and never returned. Going from the news story he was reading, Tully told us all that no remains had been found and no one was really sure about what happened to the woman, other than she had apparently perished at some point during the swim, which is a pretty normally swam route, and they made a couple jokes about her being the weakest of the pack singled out and she was probably gotten by a shark. Well…good guess, guys, cause the news story that I turned up and linked to says that, yeah, a shark got her. Ellis informs us, his avid listeners, that shark attacks are on the rise because of everyone being bad to the environment, so you better watch the fuck out or you’re gonna get eaten by a shark. Get green or get dead is the sage advice that Mr. Tully bestows on us…and yeah…I’m never going into the ocean again. Except not, because I live on an island and the beach is where I like to live during the summertime. Al Gore apparently is a frisky fuck when it comes to massages and is always out for a happy ending, but never goes to any of the places where a happy ending is part of the package, and I don’t remember how that part of the conversation came about…probably something to do with the environment talk…but…there you go. On to more water creatures, Tully shows Ellis a video that he was turned on to by Justin and Maya (the people who donated oodles of money to hungry kids for the chance to hang out with Ellis) that showed killer whales chasing a boat which sounds like it could be a plot to a B-Horror Movie , but it was just a video and no one died, which is very unlike a horror movie. All’s well that ends well.

Ellis then gets talking about how he was listening to Faction this morning and he heard Rick Thorne spew a quick promo for The Jason Ellis Show, to which Ellis took extreme exception to. Why? Because he is being promoted as a pro-fighter/skateboarder and that’s not how he wants to be portrayed. Like. At. All. Why? Because he had one pro fight and he’s been retired from skateboarding, like, forever, and why can’t he just be called a radio host? Will comes in to explain that the couple of words are supposed to pique people’s interest who haven’t heard of the show anymore…and he and Ellis go back and forth with Ellis saying he would rather not promote the show at all (which is probably not his best idea ever) but if he had to, he wanted to be able to approve the way that it’s promoted (which is a much better idea and completely reasonable). Bitpimps was blasting my twitter feed with all of his hilarious succinct TJES descriptions and callers tried calling the show to put their two cents in…but the winners of the non-game were Tully with Extreme Punchmaster Jason Ellis, Jason Cupcake Ellis, and The Radio Boomerangatan Jason Ellis, and @sharkchucker with Sexual Degenerate Jason Ellis. Lmao. Way to go Sharkchucker. I personally agreed with @serutti who described it as ‘the best show that you aren’t listening to’ and was all ‘squeeeeeee’ that they got some TJES time, because I’m a geek like that and I go ‘Hey, I know them!’ They watched a couple of more videos including one where a guy and girl where high on Salvia, which is some sort of drug, and the bitch sounded completely from another planet because of it and did the ‘chick thing’ (according to Tully) where she got so high that she needed a hug. Yeah. I do that when I get too drunk. I need hugs. I get it. It’s annoying. They take a break here and I’m not making it a separate paragraph because back from the break they watch a video of an interview done in 1994 with Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley where Paul Stanley won the respect of Tully by calling out Gene Simmons on his bullshit and which, if you didn’t listen to the show, you should go and check out, because it was pretty epic.

Guest! Guest in the studio! And oh boy what a guest because it was CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI and if that isn’t really his middle name he should have it changed!! Yes, that’s right, Christopher Meloni of Law and Order SVU Detective Elliot Stabler fame and new show Surviving Jack which airs Thursdays on Fox at 9:30pm fame was on The Jason Ellis Show…and I am such a nerd that I am going to say that that’s because THE JASON ELLIS SHOW IS THE BEST GODDAMN SHOW OF ALL TIME FUCK EVERYONE ELSE HOLY CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI!!!!!!!! Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Oh my God, oh my God…this was the most exciting thing to me everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (yes, of course talking to Ellis and Tully killed it and so did hanging with Jude…but CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI, guys) and I was so happy and I loved the interview because he has such a sexy man voice (can you tell I love a guy with a great voice ::cough cough:: Jude ::cough cough::) and I did manage to pay attention and be squeaky happy and laugh out loud probably way more than was necessary. I’m not going to say it was the best interview to ever happen on the show because I’m not that insane or blinded by my love of older men…but it was a solid interview. Ellis got to talk to Meloni about loving Detective Stabler, how Ellis was in a movie and sucked at acting, and Meloni got to plug his new sticom, Surviving Jack. This could be the start of a beautiful relationship, even though Ellis thinks he pissed him off by being so gaga over Stabler even though Stabler hasn’t been on SVU in a while. But, seriously, let’s face facts, there’s no such thing as Law and Order SVU without Stabler…that show is, for all intents and purposes over. I encourage you to to listen to the interview on demand as my recap of the interview was basically me fangirling out of my face. Christopher Meloni wants to be on Children’s Hospital, is a dad, is fit, and is a hero to black people because he was Detective Stabler, and he is all for gay rights, called Johnny Depp ‘a cool cat’ (and I for real swooned because no young person calls anyone a cool cat), and…yeah. Yeah. No, I haven’t watched his new television show because I don’t watch tv anymore (except for The Walking Dead, The Following, and cartoons) but I may check it out on demand at some point because Meloni is a walking sexpot so far as I’m concerned. Yeah…like I said, check it out on demand because CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI.

After another break Katie is in the studio and she did the workout and the intro lines and she sounded sexy and wonderful and of course this is what Ellis should have done from the beginning. She went through the script twice and did a buttload of squats and…I wish I were cool enough to think that I could be in a position to want to be friends with her…but I’m not…so I prefer to just admire her from a distance and be like ‘i wish i were cool enough to want to be friends with her’. I love Katie. I love when she’s on the show, I love her instagram pics and her tweets…I’m a good stalker. The time that I commented on one of her pics and she commented back is a moment that I hold near and dear to my heart…it was like a year ago and I have yet to forget it. I don’t have a girl crush on her…but I really like her and think that she’s great. My crush is on @nikoort and I’m not afraid to say it. Boom. Anyway. After Katie does the workout and the intro they take a quick one song break to regroup and so she can catch her breath, and it’s time for the end of the show and some final calls. Ellis and Tully talk to a guy named Adam over skype who wants to be part of the biggest loser fight at EM10 and Ellis tells him that if he loses the most weight then he will find someone for him to fight. Also…anyone who’s trying for a biggest loser fight spot is the winner if they’re really going for it…because they are looking to better their lives and are gonna get more in shape and live longer…so woooooooooooo!!!! Final calls actually weren’t all that horrible and were interspersed with Ellis, Tully, Katie, Cumtard, and Wilson trying to come up with tortures for the Dice of Doom (basically the torture wheel on dice) and it all culminates with Cumtard getting karate kicked in the neck by Jason. Boom.

Things we learned on the show today (you missed this, admit it)

Tiggie saw Paranormal Activity 4 and has nightmares from it thanks to the bad thinking of Ellis’ ex brother in law :(

Will Sees Dead People

CumTard is back to pooping turds instead of rocket sharting diarrhea

Tully thinks Swamp Scottie is a character and not a real person

Group MMA Team Fighting is a really bad idea

#MadRespectPaulStanley

CHRISTOPHER FUCKING MELONI

Christopher Meloni doesn’t scare black people at intersections…black people lurve him

Part of being in love is being afraid of losing the other person

Lemmy from Motorhead is a toadface and super unattractive sexually…but still fucks a lot of bitches

Tyler Posey ate at Chik-Fil-A, Ellis called him, TyPo took the pic off Instagram, and it was all no big deal and now TyPo knows not to eat there

Arnold Schwarzeneggar’s new movie bombed…but it will surely be a cult classic

“You know I’m not lying when I say Motherfucker” – Jason Ellis

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 4/1/14

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It’s raining! It’s pouring!!! Your mum keeps on whoring!!! I’m kidding, folks, your mum probably isn’t a whore, but if she is, I hope that her prices are fair and her pimp keeps a fair and gentle stranglehold on her human potential. That said, it’s time to get into my favorite part of every day, silently hating everyone that comes into my shop or calls on the phone because they make me have to keep pausing the Jason Ellis Show!!! Today’s show got underway with some conversation about how turning up your headphones can totally recharge your day, unless you play golf, in which case you probably wouldn’t be able to handle having your day charged up with Monster energy and Skullcandy earbuds cranked up to 11. EXTREME! Anyways, people need to stop taking golf so seriously, unless we decide to modify the rules of golf to include off-road go karts or jousting with the clubs or something. The same thing kind of goes for soccer. There’s a reason Americans gave it a different name than every other country that calls it football: we’re not the third world, and we can develop new sports when we get bored with kicking a ball across some grass. Tully remembers when American football used to be a lot more brutal too, the way Americans have always been known to act, but now with political correctness and giving kids gold medals for participation, it’s basically turned into a whine and bitch fest for overpaid high school jocks riding out the last few years that they can keep pulling it off. Remember how the NFL is a non-profit organization? Nothing to do with anything, just thought I’d remind everybody. On the off chance that Adam Snyder from the 49ers is reading this, disregard my opinion of pro-football players, EllisFam got no beef with a fellow member who happens to be a professional athlete. Jason got some new awesome beard care stuff from one of Katie’s friends, and it’s a good product but this friend is sort of an odd fellow, so Jason is trying to be miserly with it so he doesn’t turn into some creepy lactating euro guy from overuse of some unknown personal hygiene product. Jason instagrammed a picture of this stuff, and like the internet is known to do, every asshole with a 3G connection or better dropped their 2 cents on the subject. Ellis recently had his wallet stolen, and he knows where it happened, which just makes that shit sting a little bit harder cause money is one thing but having to go to the DMV for any reason ever is like having your coffee ejaculated in every morning for a week. Jason was filling out some paperwork to get new cards for some of his insurance and whatnot, and the nurse who was giving him the questionnaire to get a new health plan card didn’t know he used to be an action sports athlete and that he’s probably had his fair share of injuries. After all that was done though, Jason got to see the chiropractor and that guy had the most wonderful assortment of Rube Goldberg machines that fixed up J’s back pain faster than shit through a goose. Somehow the conversation turned to massage parlors and how  men go to chiropractors and women go to masseuses when they get sick of being unfulfilled by their husbands, or something to that effect. The guys took some phone calls on joint pain and not overextending yourself if you’ve spent the last 20 years going hard in the mother fucking paint without stretching first. Tully has been nursing a sore spot on his foot for a while and Ellis suggested that he might be right at that magic age where you either get old and fade away or start taking advantage of every bit of science and pseudo-science available to the common man and become the next Six Million Dollar radio co-host. A massage therapist from Utah called in and the guys couldn’t stop harassing him for a coccyx adjustment, but he said they would have to get in touch with him off the clock cause that particular massage is just a touch too close to the anus to do it during regular business hours when there could be a paper trail that can be used as evidence in a court of law. The guys talked more about back pain and getting old and how probably half the people you know who claim to have some fucked up body part probably just need to exercise more often OR man the fuck up and grow a vagina. AN Aussie guy called in to sound off on this, but Jason couldn’t stand his accent cause he felt like it was a negative stereotype against himself, so we didn’t get to hear a response, but one guy called to say he had to get a testicular surgery from playing some fuckin’ EXTREME golf. This guy got Tully on the topic of old guys who refuse to give up basketball and how he’s standing on a very wide fence about whether or not he’ll be one, and that fence gets a couple inches thinner every year. A lady called in to ask Jason why it is she might be overweight, even though she eats really healthy and runs marathons and shit, but still can’t get that last 35 pounds off that her doctor is recommending. After asking a few questions, it became obvious this lady probably has some sort of ancient hex placed against her and she should call her local shaman to exorcise it, or learn black magic herself so that she may pass along the curse to some other unfortunate bloodline. After a few more questions, it seems that maybe she’s not sticking to everything as well as she says she is, or her doctor really is an idiot. But fuck all that, cause there’s a new surrogate/substitute/replacement website for EllisMania and it is officialjasonellis.com!!! It’s pretty much the same website, just with a different URL and you might get a few free months while they’re transferring all the user data over!!! The guys looked over the new site and what the top five videos viewed were, and it’s official: The crazy, yelling, pissing lady who was harassing Jason outside the gym is the most universally entertaining thing in all of the internet! After being told this, Ellis could not help but remind the listeners that in West Hollywood, it is impossible to escape the sight of urine on a daily basis, on those mean southern California streets. It’s like the sun rises, and everyone in the city faces the center of town and starts pissing. There was more talk about how when you get old you need to be more responsible with your body or your anus is gonna get uterine cancer or something, I couldn’t follow it cause I was digesting some wonderful delicious pizza and  thinking about staying up till 2 playing video games tonight and then maybe snapping one off in the shower, but I’m sure there was a lot of positive advice for the people who needed it. This all flowed in to talk about always expecting the worst case scenario, and WILSON came in to call Tully out for saying it all the time, which Tully could not remember doing at work but can definitely recall doing with his wife. WILSON was good about this topic, he keeps as positive an outlook as possible, with those glimmering shins and that majestical peacock-like waxed semi-hawk, getting around on foot cause he had to get rid of his Saab, he’s like the father I always wanted, except for constantly being on conference calls, which would make him pretty similar to the dad I got, so win-win-lose if he were to adopt me? Great news though, WILSON has been given permission to fight Cumtard!!! AND THE FACKING TOWNSPEOPLE REJOICE YA FACKIN’ CUNTS!!! So, EllisMania 10 is gonna be some unimaginably awesome shit, just for that. In talking about the fight to come, I couldn’t help noticing that the guys keep mentioning me (cause I have a sensitive ego and am very receptive to any and all input, positive or negative) and Pendarvis may not have the punch power that Kevin does, but after reviewing the video of my first round TKO by the Tard, it seemed to be a pretty fair match between me and Kevin back at EM8 and it would probably be slightly better odds in Will’s favor just cause he’s gonna be a lot harder to move out of the way than I am. I’ll let you guys stew on that and reminisce about watching me smoke what I’m hoping wasn’t actually pubic hair a couple summers ago, while the boys regroup and Akka Dakka provides the soundtrack.

 

Ugh, so someone parked a Prius with eyelashes on the headlights across the street from my work. No real reason why I’m mentioning it, I just despise people who treat the Prius the same way everyone treated the VW Beetle in it’s heyday. It’s like there needs to be an “Unsafe at Any Speed 2: You can make a hybrid that has enough horsepower to moveat a reasonable pace with traffic.” But I digress, cause McLaren has built a nine hundred and something horsepower hybrid that can literally strip the paint off a Prius in two flyby’s, so technology isn’t leaving those of us with a respect for the motoring arts out to dry. Anyways folks, AUSSIE NEWS! First up, there could allegedly be a Vegemite energy drink, but it is April fool’s day, so that’s total bullshit, but in actual real news, there’s gonna be movie coming out THAT IS ALMOST AN EXACT RIPOFF OF THE WOODSMAN!!! Except that it’s about Drop Bears, which is also something Jason says he invented, but it’s not important because this (allegedly fake?) movie trailer isn’t as much of a horror movie, but sort of a comedy, but a really shitty one, and not aided by cheesy one-liners about cumming on someone’s face after murdering them with their own aborted foetus. So maybe it’s worth watching, but then again it could be a steaming bowl of elephant piss, or it could be yet another elaborate internet prank against the world. The guys kicked around more ideas for another movie to film, because they really had a lot of fun with both The Woodsman and Big Fucking Mega Boat. Scarier than another hidden pussy fart though, a girl in Mexico is in hot water after allegedly stabbing her friend 65 times over some naked selfies that they posted to Facebook, once again proving the intrinsic lack of value Facebook has to the human race. Jason argued with Cumtard for a bit about whether or not there would be a CEO knock-out at EM10 and the guys decided to make a bet out of it, the stakes are, if Cumtard survives past the first round, Ellis is gonna rollerblade in full view of the crowd, and if he doesn’t, Kevin has to eat as many onion rings as they can stack on an erect penis. Now, I’m not one to watch what is essentially gay porn, but even that sounds kind of funny. Especially when Tully threw it out there that it needs to be someone they don’t know, preferably a humongous porn cock. The name that was suggested was Mr. Marcus, but then Tully realized the reason that name popped in his head is because that guy did 30 days in jail for knowingly giving two female costars syphilis. So it looks like aside from puking on a massive, pulsating doom spigot, Kevin “Cumtard” Kraft is also going to go out just like Al Capone. Myself, I couldn’t be more excited for this whole thing to play out. Kevin has diarrhea today too, so there’s that for you. The guys talked some more about all the fights that are gonna be happening at this next EllisMania, not just the fight between Kevin and his self respect after eating onion rings in some sort of bizarre live sex act. The pinata fight was suggested, as it really could have worked if they had been able to get an actual pinata instead of throwing Grant Cobb in the middle of the ring with no warning or headgear. Also, the Biggest loser fight, which is open to two men and two women, so there might be two of those fights, if the volunteers can be found. Pendarvis and Kevin came in to trade some intimidation in regards to their upcoming bout, and after hearing about Kevin getting randomly assaulted by a drunk firefighter (hey, he didn’t go to the ground) we found out that WILSON has been smashing rib cages since before kindergarten. All that aside, Kevin is already planning how to eat onion rings off of a gigantic phallus without having to worry about triggering his gag reflex. All this talk did trigger a great contender for the name of this EllisMania though, or possibly a new Death!Death!Die! song: Cock Vomit. They also through out the idea of EllisMania 10: Sea Men Fight. But the name really isn’t important, because the guys really need to sort out the logistics of how this onion ring cock sleeve thing is gonna go down. And since the insurance to have a porn star put deep fried food up the length of his phallus in full view of a few thousand people is probably astronomical, they’re thinking of having a more illuminati type affair back in Jason’s room with naught but a small select crowd and lots of plastic sheeting. A few people called in to make it as clear as possible that Cumtard really does need to make good on this bet, and that apparently it’s not so weird that people want to watch it happen. A couple folks even volunteered their cocks for the whole thing. One guy had half inch long genital warts though, and Kevin used the whole “Michael Douglass HPV Throat Cancer” defense to let the guys know he wouldn’t do it if they picked that guy (like a bitch). While you all make peace with your gods over what you’re about to fly to Vegas to see this summer, let’s have some Nirvana and take a breather.

 

HEY POTHEADS!!! You’re gonna get a kick out of this one! The guys found a video of a kid ABSOLUTELY LOSING HIS SHIT AFTER TRYING DABS FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS PRETTY FUCKING EPIC!!! I remember having a couple shitty times when I did drugs, but if I did something like this kid I would have promptly been beaten and robbed by every friend I ever had, simply on principle. There was some talk about salvia cause a lot of people claim to go absolutely fucking nuts when they do it, but Tully has smoked a metric shitload of it and could still pass a field sobriety test. Cumtard came in to share some of his experiences with it and it sounds like for the right person, it could be a great time, and for the wrong person, it would be a great way to reduce the population when people have a tard session and run out into traffic. One guy called in to tell the guys about one time when he smoked salvia and went and took a shit on his front porch, then he punched his roommate in the face. Red Dragons. I remember one time at Boy Scout camp when me and a buddy got some weed that was laced with PCP and we smoked a bunch of it and started seeing all kinds of colors in the pitch blackness of night in our tent, and then I fell asleep halfway through eating a sheet of beef jerky and woke up with the whole side of my face fucking CHAPPED like a salt cured fish. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, nuh-nah-nuh-nah-mean? There were some more phone calls on salvia and interesting things that people have done when high. One time myself, same buddy, Boy Scout snow camporee, we built an igloo for the multi-troop competition, it was the fucking sweetest one and got our troop a ribbon, then we ditched everybody else and GOT THAT MOTHA FUCKA MUGGY AS FUCK and carved some titties in the wall, cause when you’re young, you do stupid shit like hotboxing igloos and carving titties in the snow. Oh, and the first time I did whipits, I made the mistake of hitting one while I was standing up, and just as I was exhaling I fell directly sideways into a stack of shit in the corner of my friend’s room and almost smashed a ship in a bottle on my forehead in the process. Driving to his old college on acid was a hell of a time, we got the stuff just past sundown, took some, kept the rest for the Mardis Gras weekend we were about to take part in, and drove four hours from Hayward to San Luis Obispo. Best moment of the drive, I’m in the fast lane doing about 95 in my old Volvo station wagon and this dude has been riding my ass for miles, so just as I’m about ready to switch lanes and let him pass, THE FUCKING RED AND BLUES START FLASHING!!!! And here’s the kicker, the cop was BEHIND THE GUY BEHIND ME AND DIDN’T TRY TO CHASE US! If I was ever gonna shit my pants and make sure everybody knew it, that night would have been the night to do it. I introduced all those rich surfer kids to drinking forties and smoking Newport 100’s that weekend, and saw lots of college nudity. Second to last night there, we were drinking on this girl’s balcony while there was a big crowd in the courtyard below, and all of a sudden, in perfect slow motion, a 40oz bottle goes flying through the air… and explodes on top of a riot cop’s helmet. The cops immediately unloaded paintballs and sandbags every which direction and I promise you have never seen two thousand drunk college kids clear out of anywhere so god damn fast. I’m only telling these stories cause that’s what everyone else was doing on the Ellis show, and since a lot of you probably already heard it, and this is not the Ellis show, I figured I’d give you some of my own. The guys started digging through the props box for all the stuff they want to keep or get rid of for their celebrity guest instagram photos. The reason for the spring cleaning is that a costume company has reached out to the show and wants to give them some stuff to keep around for those historic photo moments. Unfortunately, in the process of this, the guys called out Hardcore the intern for corralling celebrity guests into taking pictures with him for his own Instagram. WILSON is just as guilty, only he tries to be a little more low key about it and slip them the tongue when the flash goes off. Pendarvis got all kinds of defensive about it, and Hardcore is probably gonna flunk whatever class he was supposed to get credit for by doing this internship, and Jetta does it a bit but he isn’t a complete asshole about it and tries to do his own thing instead of playing Tarzan off anybody else’s nuts. Cumtard is a bit more reasonable about it, he at least gets pics of everything going on at the show, not just celebrities, but all the same he could do to tone it down a bit, or WILSON is gonna start withholding sex and their bizarre working bromance could be put in jeopardy over who gets more likes whenever Joanna Angel stops by. Tully and Jason came to the agreement with everybody that they can take all the guest pics they want, you just gotta do it “Creepshots” style and pretend to take a phone call but really have video rolling. WILSON got really bent about that and went to sulk because the press pass hanging from his angry lanyard was not properly respected by the crew. The guys took some final calls on things and stuff, one guy tried to psychoanalyze WILSON over the suggestion from yesterday that he start smoking weed, but it was poorly timed so the guys didn’t bother listening to it all. There was more digging through the props box and it sounds like the guys need to buy some more of the creepy handmade shit off Etsy that they always seem to find, but they do have some good ones in there that you can keep an eye out for when you’re trolling everybody’s instagram to see if anybody got spy photos of Mark McGrath’s dick in passing or whatever the hell you look for when you’re on instagram. There were some more final calls about stuff and shit and things and whatever, and Cullen might be the CEO of Faction if Jason ever gets his own channel, since he pretty much works a 395 hour workday running the channel as it is, with WILSON pulling 72 hour days as a supervisor. Of course, this is all hypothetical until Ellis can manage properly cultivating his beard into a proper authoritative mechanism that commands respect from the international corporate community of SiriusXM. If that all goes according to plan, he’s probably gonna cherry pick his own staff and talent, and Faction will sink by the wayside like the short lived Punk channel that I actually really liked, that Cullen and Cechnicki were in charge of before the merger. Don’t forget, the guys are gonna do unsigned bands again soon, so get your shitty alt-pop offerings out on the internet at submittoellis@gmail.com and it’ll get airplay for one whole week, at some time between noon and 4 PM, Monday through Friday, and even if it’s the best of the pack it will still probably be deeply ridiculed, and that’s OK cause it’s all in good fun and no matter what music you make, there’s an audience that wants to hear it. Just look at that shithead Justin Bieber! The guys played around with the idea of going to church and breaking off the minister mid-sermon to preach the word of Pantera, and I for one think that would be a hell of a reality prank show. So if you have a YouTube account, I would love to see your best attempt. While you’re at it, LEARN WHAT THE FUCKING DON’T DIE SEGMENT FUCKING MEANS!!! IT’S NOT LIKE THE SHIT HASN’T BEEN A STAPLE ON THE END OF THE SHOW FOR SEVERAL FUCKING YEARS NOW!!! YOU WONDER WHY I REFER TO 80% OF HUMANITY AS A PACK OF MORONS?!?!??! FFFFUUUUUUUUUUCCKKK!!!!!!!!

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 3/25/14

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It’s another one of those wonderful days where somehow I am the center of everyone’s universe and they all have way fewer problems than they think but they still won’t take responsibility for any of them and there’s this mysterious liquid that may or may not be rain falling from the sky and the fax machine is a cunt and so is your mum and the system continues to fuck us all in the ass just a little bit harder with a handful of rusty brake shavings as lube, but all of that means nothing cause it’s almost lunch time and the Jason Ellis show is on! And it started with some lovely music for destruction and mayhem, the mighty Machine Head! Who I enjoy just as much as Tony Sly and the late great Oderus Urungus! #YeahThatsAStabAtYouEmilyButItsAllInGoodFun Anyways, the show today got underway with Jason telling us all how it’s just ridiculous that there isn’t a gaggle of ladies lined up to provide some good clean audio for the current “chicks with kettle bells sounding like they might be enjoying some dick” intro the show has been using for the last couple months. I was finishing off a sandwhich, so I missed the finer points of this conversation, but there was some talk about cleaning your asshole and WILSON was brought into the studio to once again be outed for being incredibly creepy around anything with tits and a naughty vag. If you were at the book signing this past weekend at the new San Diego Harley Davidson dealership, you probably met Tiger and Devin and contributed to their best weekend ever, as they told Andrea they had. While we’re on the topic of Jason’s kids, Tully got to thinking of how he would feel if someone tried to buy Linsanity for a billion dollars. Admittedly, he would consider it, but would always say no. But he’ll hear your offers. But always say no. But he won’t turn you away at the door. Just sayin’ folks. If you want a McGook baby, there’s a guy who will entertain offers. Somehow WILSON went way to far and brought the conversation around to shitting on children or porn stars, and it all just fell apart after that. With all that done though, the guys let everyone know that you can leave video messages on Skype for the talent show on Friday, or read the lines for the intro and maybe get immortalized on radio for twenty seconds once a day for a couple weeks. Jude stopped by to let the guys know that a billion dollars is a great offer cause in other parts of the word your parents could trade you off for a goat or a basket of seeds or some shit. Jude did some reminiscing on his days at the Jenny Jones show when they had an episode called “too fat to wear that” and another time when a lady claimed she had a third nipple but then got caught in a lie and the producers sent her ass home on a Greyhound and told her not to come back. Jason got to sit in between tapings of Good Day LA and there was some talk show where a 14 year old girl with a ridiculous underbite got pregnant and was yelling at her parents or some such shit like that which was probably sensational afternoon TV for the stay at home absentee parent in all of us. Jude recalled all the times when the Jenny Jones crew went out to recruit guests and they would redecorate people’s houses and give them dental work and shit just to try and make them more like the everyman rather than the link that refuses to stay missing. Jason retold a story about when he was in Panama and somebody told him that whenever a rich guy builds a nice house, the locals would steal all the drywall, faucets and wiring out of the place before anybody had a chance to move in. Just goes to show you, in the third world, wealth isn’t celebrated quite the same way as it is here, and the movies are all probably correct in the way they portray it, like in Fast and Furious 5! That’s right folks, Vin Diesel will steal your shit in a stolen, modified police version Dodge Charger if your bank account gets too big for your britches. Jude almost got in a fight at the movie theater during the Wolf of Wall Street, but had to dial it back cause it was Christmas morning and he was with his mom, but shit wouldn’t have rolled like that if the situation was different. Seriously folks, Jude’s mom can’t be around to keep him from stomping on your throat all the time, learn how to turn your phone off. The guys all talked for a while about the military industrial complex and how some people are prewired to go off and kill shit, but you can’t complain if you signed up for it and now the VA isn’t doing anything for you. Come on, we all know a belligerent homeless ‘Nam vet, what the fuck else can you expect? Springsteen wrote a song called “Born in the USA”, ever wonder what that shit’s about? Just sayin, you’re never gonna grow up to be the next Jonah Hill if you get your legs blown off for the Bush family to make a slightly better markup on crude oil. The guys talked a bit about imaginary friends and how they’re not always gonna bring up repressed memories that you should know abut, sometimes they’re just gonna put a bug in your ear to go all “Son Of Sam” around the streets of New York. Jude talked for a while about how fast food workers really do hate you as much as they hate showing up to work at their soul crushing minimum wage anti-potential jobs everyday. Bah-dant-dant-DANT-DANT!!! I’m resigned to failure! Great new jingle, McDonalds, now fucking pay me already. Ain’t like I don’t have a 4 pound tumor of undigested fries wedged against my pancreas from all the years I was a delivery driver and ate that crap all the time. The guys dissected the fizzled career of the girl from that movie “Just One Of The Guys” and it’s pretty clear that if she’s not a lesbian, she’s at least gotta be an alcoholic by now, cause the wall has certainly been hit by that woman and her job. Don’t forget to check out Jude on the Foreally show, and also boycott his show so that he can get a better job on a different station. Or not, everything doesn’t need to be a “cause” to start making drama about.

 

So, have you ever seen a white guy in blackface? How about a black guy in whiteface? Now, I’ve seen Birth of a Nation (it was for a film studies class in high school, relax), but Nick Cannon has recently put out an album called “white people party music” and one of the publicity photos he made for it is himself in whiteface. Now, blackface is bad because it was used to perpetuate stereotypes and as a tool for propaganda, since no one would ever hire a black person for any purpose at all back in the day and it only made since to rub charcoal all over some honky’s face and make him do the jitterbug, however us cracka’ ass cracka’s can’t really get too offended at whiteface cause we enslaved an entire race of people for 400 years and then perpetuated a government system which continues to bar them from real opportunities even to this day, so when somebody hashtags #GoodCredit #CreamCheese, I’m honestly not offended. Nobody gave Dave Chappelle any shit for all the times he put on whiteface for characters on The Chappelle show. Remember folks, there’s racism that’s all in good fun, and then there’s cultural subjugation, and the two are very different and it’s worth learning a thing or two about history and the people you’re making jokes to if you’re gonna say certain things that might cause a rift with your audience. As far as Nick Cannon goes, I could honestly give a fuck what that guy does, I’ve never really liked any of his work, so if MTV2 ever runs out of reruns of Wild’n Out to cram into a Saturday afternoon, it’s not gonna hurt my couch potatoing for a god damn second. Besides, not all white people have good credit. I can’t even get a fucking Discover card, and I’ve never had one red cent of credit or debt to my name and I’ve been a taxpayer with an uninterrupted full time job for almost 15 years, so suck it, Cannon. Butt fuck all that shit, cause it’s time for another amazing round of TARD THAT TUNE!!! AKA THE BEST GOD DAMN SET OF RINGTONES THAT I JUST CAN’T WAIT TO DOWNLOAD OFF OF SOUNDCLOUD WHENEVER HARDCORE GETS OFF HIS ASS AND UPLOADS IT!!! OR MAYBE IT’S JETTA’S JOB, I’M NOT REALLY SURE!!! MAYBE TULLY SQUEEZES IT IN BETWEEN TRAIN TRACK PLAYTIME WITH LINSANITY WHEN HE’S NOT TAKING BIDS ON OWNERSHIP OF HIS OFFSPRING!!! Much like the last time, I can’t possibly relate the awesomeness of this segment in words, but I can give you track list of everything that got tarded this week, and the list is as follows:

The B52’s – Rock Lobster

ZZ Top – La Grange

Daniel Powter – Bad Day (I had almost forgotten this song existed and was quite happy about that, thanks and go fuck yourself, Kevin!!!)

Alice In Chains – The Rooster

C&C Music Factory – Gonna Make You Sweat

Dire Straits – Money For Nothing

Gary Numan – Cars

Snap – Rhythm Is A Dancer

Rod Stewart – Young Hearts

Tears For Fears – Everybody Wants to Rule the World

Steppenwolf – Magic Carpet Ride

And finally, for absolutely no good reason at all, the theme song from Sanford and Son

While the rest of us started plotting Kevin’s murder for bringing back so many musical atrocities that should have stayed buried in the sands of time, the guys put the call out for the audience to call in for a new segment called “What’s wrong with you?” in which you can presumably call in and let the listening audience know about all your issues, physical, psychological, sexual, dietary, whatever may be really wrong with you. Tully, for example, can hold a grudge from beyond the grave, even if you forget that you ever met him. Will, on the other hand, is a treasure trove of neuroses and imperfections, so after a break, let’s dig into him for a bit.

 

Pat Barry is no longer fighting in the UFC, but he has taken it upon himself to become a vigilante firefighter/nightclub bouncer. But nevermind that, WILSON is a sloppy fucking hemorrhoid stain on the taint region of humanity’s tighty whiteys, and the guys took some time to explore that, as well as ask the callers their opinions on WILSON and themselves. The first caller was a guy who is a self proclaimed nymphomaniac who saw some shit in the Navy that would turn an average mother fucker white, and not that Nick Cannon white, I’m talking Ghostbusters 2 white. Next guy called in to let the guys know that there’s a local radio station in Toronto that does this same bit, and also that he fucks his own belly button. After that was a guy who has horrible self esteem and tries way too hard to please all his family and friends, and they’re not doing a whole lot to try and stop him, like a pack of good little codependents and enablers. Next guy called in to tell the story of one time when he got in a brawl with his dad and fucked him up like a gang territory fight, but he kind of asked for it by being such a shitty abusive dad. Another guy caught his wife sexting his neighbor, so he went out to the strip club and tossed a dancer’s salad for a cool minute and will probably do it again cause the relationship is pretty much over. Next guy who called in said too many people fall in love with him, which wouldn’t be a problem if he wasn’t a smooth sensual Latin mother fucker. I understand, Manny, I understand, you’re from central/south America, you’re a desirable commodity. After the guys scared off Manny with their unwelcome advances, a guy called in to tell the guys that his wife got him a doll a few years back to help with his depression, he’s now gone completely apeshit and owns over 300 dolls, complete with tea parties and makeovers and all the shit that might be done with them by a five year old girl, and here’s the kicker, x-rated doll photo sessions. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, guys, you’re probably not as fucked up as you think. Next caller was short, fat, bald and lived in his parent’s basement. Maybe not the doll guy, but certainly worth a segment called “What’s Wrong With You?” After that poor bastard was a guy who admittedly has a really small penis when it’s flaccid, but after the guys found out it’s slightly above average when hard the guys let him know to use it more often and stop complaining about problems that he doesn’t actually have. Next up was a 22 year old guy who doesn’t have a driver’s license, and not cause of the environment or living in the city, but just cause he’s afraid of driving. Go karts, dude, go karts. You’ll be fine. NEXT CALLER moved to Florida to be with a chick, only to get sick of her and move back to be with his first lady, and now he’s getting sick of her, and it’s been like this for a long ass time. He’s just a guy who’s in love with falling in love, much like The Mowgli’s, who I’m sure would be happy to drag him along on their next tour cause they really are some of the friendliest guys ever. Next guy called to ask if it was OK that his wife asked him to piss inside her vag while they were fucking, and while it may not be dangerous per se, it is still weird as all fuck. Next one down the line was a guy who hallucinates monsters all the time, basically anything in his peripheral vision turns into some sort of creature from beyond. Next guy called in to say that he just can’t get off without a well placed finger in the ass, and it’s causing some problems trying to keep a long term relationship. Then we heard from a guy who is a self proclaimed judgmental asshole, kind of like me, a total nice guy who just hates a massive percentage of the population. Another person called in to let the guys know that he’s basically skirting the line between being a transvestite and getting some gender reassignment procedures underway. This call culminated in Tully inventing the “dick-clit”, a sexual move for everyone who wants to know what it would be like to have lesbian sex, sort of. The next caller keeps loaning money to his relatives, and they can’t stop asking for it wither. Next one on the phone says that every time he moves in to a new apartment, he get’s a visit from the Gordon’s fish stick mascot. Just one time, not like a haunting, but it always happens just one time per new residence. Tully had a similar experience, every so often Aunt Jemima appears masturbating at the foot of his bed. Mmmmm pancakes. Next up was a guy who said he’s just never happy, so the guys recommended he follow WILSON on Instagram and learn how to appreciate what he’s got. The guys decided to quit while they were ahead at this point, cause the fans are obviously more fucked up than they have time to get through in one afternoon.

 

So tomorrow Juliana Pena is coming back on the show, so if you liked hearing her last time, get ready for another hit off that glass dick of female MMA fighters. Tully found some new music from Corey Feldman, and if “Ascension Millennium” didn’t satisfy your boner for absolute shite that a washed up child star is only cranking out to desperately cling to fame now that his hetero life mate died from a drug overdose, well the new video and the song that goes with it is an equal if not greater example of how some people really need to fuck off into obscurity like the kid that played Anakin Skywalker in the first Star Wars prequel. It’s fair to note that he’s essentially fellating the essence directly from Michael Jackson’s corpse to try and add some style and class to this song, however that kid with cancer who took him to court for sexual assault seems to have gotten it all (ever notice how weak that cancer got the longer that court case went on? Just sayin, folks…). The guys discussed for a while whether or not Corey’s Angels are hanging out voluntarily or if they’re victims of the international sex trade, or if he is possibly the ringleader in some sort of “have hot bitches hanging around to boost your self esteem” type of business. A former roommate of one of Corey’s Angels called in to give the guys a little info on the whole thing, apparently it actually is some real live polyamorous shit going down at the Feldman house, so I guess the joke’s on all of us. Or not, I don’t need 8 ladies PMSing around me all the time and having a Feldman haircut sounds like a god damn nightmare, and from the outside looking in it still looks like a pretty crazy relationship between two or more crazy fucking people. Another guy called in to tell the guys about when his band opened for Corey at some show and it was some of the most ridiculous shit ever and now Tully has volunteered Death!Death!Die! to do a show with him. Tully also found a new track from Metallica that they did for a Dio tribute album, and much like their track “Mercyful Fate” which was several Mercyful Fate covers all strung together, they’ve pretty much done it again in the same vein, only this time in tribute to the Holy Diver himself, the late great RJD. The guys discussed Metallica for a bit and how most bands who’ve been at it as long as they have probably isn’t gonna pound out all the same style and energy of stuff that drove them to stardom in the first place. There were some final calls and stuff, and it wasn’t the same kind of absolute shit that it has been in the past, so good for the audience for beating back the throngs of listener idiocy that drives our dear friend Jetta crazy every single day. The power of Odin and Corey Feldmen compels me, and may the Flying Spaghetti Monster be with you all.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,