Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/29/14

Posted on July 29, 2014 by shit_toboggan

So, Sunday night I went out to a show and got a burrito before it started and for the last three days I’ve been feeling like it’s gonna pass through me like a log flume the second I try to let out a fart. It’s almost getting painful. Like Jesus having explosive diarrhea on Adolf Hitler’s face painful. But that’s not important right now, cause I’m about to go get some Indian food and hunker down at my desk to write this Jason Ellis show recap for you! Today got rolling with Jason talking about being smooth and well lubricated,cause apparently machinery has a lot of similarities to gay erotica. The real point of the whole rant was that you’ve gotta stay moisturized so the man can’t get his mitts on you and fuck up your shit, or it’s better to stay lubed cause if someone’s gonna be fucking someone where they shit, one of the worst possible outcomes is anal tearing. Jude was in studio to cosign that, and ask what the hell Ellis is talking about with his new homemade coffee/coconut body wash. Apparently Katie’s friend makes it just for herself but decided to pass a bottle along to Ellis and company and he’s fallen in love with it like Michelle Bachmann’s husband loves cock. Jude talked about once when he got a Brazilian and the butthole was the least painful part of it, but the pain around the scrotum was worth it, cause the ladies love sucking a fresh clean dick. The guys talked a while about injuries and paramedics, and I guess in Australia, when you get picked up by an ambulance, they give you a heroin inhaler so you’ll stop being such a sick cunt and be a little more pliable. Sometime over the weekend which I must have missed, Ellis decided to give his phone number out to a bunch of fans and then laid drunk in a hammock taking phone calls from random folks just for the entertainment value of it. Tully lost a foot race to Tiger Ellis over the weekend, and totally by accident because Tully just went to take the baby for a walk so he wouldn’t shit in the house, and lo and behold the Ellis troupe were at the same park that Michael ended up at. The guys talked for a while about YouTube videos about babies getting shit whipped and walking away from it with no injuries. Jude had that happening in his neighborhood when he was growing up, pre-YouTube, where there was a white trash kid who was still in pampers but would jump off the roof of a moving car or get tossed off the back of his brother’s BMX just cause and not one god damn time did he ever land it but nobody got taken to the hospital. Jude floated the idea to Ellis to get Al Sharpton in studio while getting his balls and asshole waxed, but since he’s kinda hard to schedule for things like that, Jason decided porn stars may be easier to make happen. They also thought about doing cock-waxing-karaoke, which could be entertaining but remains to be seen until they actually pull the trigger and do it. Finally, the guys settled on the idea of reading Jayden Smith tweets with that one evil meowing Cumtard bed playing in the background and getting one’s dick waxed all together would be the most entertaining combination. The guys took a few calls on side jobs to pull while you’re getting aggressively manscaped, but none of them were too noteworthy. Tully has been working his way through all of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old movies and somehow happened to stumble upon a workout album he did back in 1983, and there were a couple of sound bites that really sounded like the opening to gay porn, especially when Arnold is explaining proper workout technique with “It’s Raining Men” playing in the background. Coming back to the topic of pubes, somebody (who was actually me) sent Tully an article which posed the question, is it OK to use one of those communal hot air dryers at the gym to blow dry your pubes? Generally, the guys said it isn’t that big a deal, it just depends how much sexual gratification you’re achieving from the act, and how blatantly you’re advertising what you’re doing. The guys talked for a while about motion lotion and how the silicon stuff is great for straight jacking off, but it can dissolve certain kinds of sex toys, and how the THC lube is about as pointless as trying to use it for it’s intended purpose on Margaret Thatcher. If you haven’t got the news yet, presales for Jude’s book Hyean (the new and improved version, with more stories and nearly limitless production) are available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble, SO FUCKING GET ONE!!! Jude and Ellis were also discussing show ideas for the hypothetical future Jason Ellis channel and Jude wants to incorporate the best parts of the Foreally Show episodes when Shoebox stops by for a regular gig. Jude had to go do his regular-not-sure-if-it’s-permanent-job and Jason needed a riff to compel him, so we got some Dyer’s Eve and I’m gonna need a few minutes to fix the desk and the window I just smashed.

Jason got a call from the guys at Globe Shoes, which couldn’t have been timed better cause Tully has conceded the fact that he can’t be trusted to pick his own wardrobe and as long as the pussy is still available, his wife is the one in charge, and Jason has some shoes that she would approve of although Michael would never pick them himself. Ellis has noticed that Katie is a pretty respectable influence on his style, but sometimes even she needs to tone it down or else he’ll be strolling around in Louboutin boots and wolf leggings with a Flavor-Flav style necklace, not necessarily a clock, but something of that nature. Tully is also looking at a new car sometime soon and wants to buy the douchiest thing practical for him to drive. But that’s secondary, cause I could go on forever, but Tully found more important things on the internet in the form of a YouTube channel called “kids react” in which some parent who’s not a vicarious fame whore, volunteers to have someone film their kids’ reactions to learning about current events and causes. First one we saw, was kids watching a video of two guys getting engeaged and some of the kids seemed like they just didn’t know what to think and the rest just basically didn’t seem to care cause children are usually considered pre-sexual beings and shouldn’t have a hell of a lot of an opinion about these kinds of things. Next up though, was two ladies getting engaged and again, it was pretty much the same reaction, just way better looking cause dudes are scummy and ladies are just fantastic. Then there were the kids watching actual videos of people getting married cause I guess it’s illegal or morally reprehensible to show them people committing suicide, even though it’s the exact same god damn thing. One kid they were watching though had really evil Satanic eyebrows, and they could tell from watching it that he would someday be arrested for attempting to perpetrate a fag-drag somewhere not far from a reasonably progressive city where the police actually do their jobs. There was small hope though when the interviewer asked if he thought people were born gay and he admitted it could be possible, so as long as Ken Ham doesn’t get his bullshit pointed anywhere close to this kid, he could turn out OK. This got the guys on the topic of being a good role model to your kids and not teaching them offensive shit like “Carlos Santana is the only contribution Puerto Ricans have ever made to society” and shit like that. HOLLYWOOD NEWS!!! Oh, fuck me. Freddie Prinz Jr., the son of an actual actor by the same name, was on the show 24 with Kiefer Sutherland and has come forward to say that Kiefer is the least professional mother fucker in show business and a complete asshole outside of the business. Pretty much everyone else has said he’s full of shit, but since it was bad enough for him that he almost quit showbiz entirely, I’ll take that as meaning that “Boys And Girls” hasn’t had the residual pay he was hoping for and 24 didn’t solve any of the residual problems caused by it. DMX went on a roller coaster and got as DMX as he could get without smoking crack on webcam in front of his fans. THERE’S GONNA BE A NEW MAD MAX MOVIE!!! And the guys watched the trailer for it, and it includes Mel Gibson’s classic black 1974 Ford Falcon GTA (Australian Model) and of course a million other fucked of rat rods which will be inexplicably driving around in big block V8’s while complaining about the scarcity of gasoline. Jason Staham used to be a competitive high diver, back when he had hair and Guy Ritchie wasn’t an accomplished director. And Lil’ Wayne has started his own professional sports agency, with no clear goal or specific sport they manage/partake in, but he’s doing it all the same. Hollywood isn’t making any money this summer, probably cause we get more exposure to it than we want from shithead paparazzi than we do from the actual content they produce, the quality of which has been in sharp decline in recent years. The guys discussed the long term failings of Hollywood by giving a quick, spoiler session of The Expendables and as much as I appreciate the intent of that franchise, I think it’s safe to say that the shark has been jumped. Somehow, all this talk of The Expendables and the new Mad Max got Jason to the task of recapping the plot of one of the Lethal Weapon movies, and I’m not sure how that all ties together, but I guess it makes sense when you’re not surrounded by ringing phones and loud machinery that can occasionally drown out the point of a conversation. Tracy Morgan is still recovering from that bus crash last month, but he’s not dying and his lawyers are taking WalMart to the fucking cleaners, so maybe the legal system will come through for a black man with money in a positive way for a change, not like that one washed up football player serial killer guy, you know, Fruit Juice, or whatever his name was. The guys took a break after all that to get ready for a guest who was on the way and so that WILSON could catch a nooner with Cumtard before things get too busy in the green room for a bromantic tryst.

Did you know today is national tiger day? No, you can’t buy Jason’s son, but you can do something nice for tigers or otherwise just show your respect and support. Josh Todd from Buckcherry stopped by to hang with the guys for a while. I never liked Buckcherry a whole bunch, but they did a pretty good cover of that Dramarama song “Anything, Anything” and if you can pay proper tribute to a classic, you’ll earn a few points in my book. Josh told the guys some stories about his cocaine, meth, LSD and alcohol days and all the good times that come along with that kind of combination. Luckily though, he’s got almost 20 years off all of it and he’s an all around super dad and part time rock star these days, so it all works out in the end. Josh has a new EP coming out soon, but every free moment he has is at the go-kart track, and not those pussy electric ones, like a real deal, four-weel-brake kart. The guys talked karting for a while and all the weight classing and ins and outs of the league stuff and how pretty much any average Joe can get into it without having to build a half million dollar sponsored engineering experiment just to get some seat time and the officials keep it all as fair as possible. Josh is pretty enthusiastic about boxing like Jason too, so they shot the shit about that for a while (anyone else feel another possible future EllisMania contender coming on?). The guys decided to take the opportunity to bring back a game they haven’t played in a while, NAME THAT NIPPLE!!! If you don’t remember, it’s a guessing game where the folkls have to match the nipple picture to the famous name it’s attached to. The list goes as follows:

1. A young James Hetfield

2. Rob Halford’s pierced male mammary

3. M. Shadows

4. Danzig’s monstrous wolf titty

5. Tommy Lee

6. Slash

7. Bruce Dickinson’s even more terrifying wolf nipple

8. Axl Rose

9. Steven Tyler’s slightly haggard nipple of yesteryear

10. Jim Morrison

11. A young Bono

And last but not least,

12. Ozzy Osbourne

The guys played a track off the new EP “Fuck” in which every track has the word fuck in the title, which is certainly a great way to get my attention, and then Josh took a shot at the punch pad and landed himself a 56, putting him right up in the ranks with Mike Jasper, Juliana Pena and some other folks on the same scale. The guys bantered a bit more abour fighting and trying to clarify just how hard of a punch Josh landed and then took a breather to regroup for another game the guys had saved up.

MMA NEWS YOU FUCKING PUSSIES!!! Jason watched it and I didn’t and Tully read a bunch of news stories about it because Jason is dyslexic!!! But more specifically, Joe Riggs was gonna come out of retirement but accidentally shot himself in the hand and upper leg while cleaning his gun. Anderson Silva and Nick Diaz are also allegedly gonna be fighting, either in the octagon or somewhere on the east end of Stockton cause shit like that happens out there. Tully cooked up some chicken feet and the guys decided to have Cumtard fellate them like that one scene in Killer Joe where Juno Tilly is giving a drumstick a blow job for the amusement of a derranged Matthew McCaunaghey. Jetta came in to assist, but Tard kept taste testing the chicken feet cause he’s a lot more adventurous with food than all you assholes on twitter seem to think. Then Jetta started molesting Kevin’s face in the least disrespectful way possible, but some of the claws came off the foot in his throat so the gagging noises were still applied without needing any external audio support. The guys called Jetta back in after the face fucking to have him sit down and be informed that he’s a FUCKING DISGRACE OF A HUMAN BEING AND HIS PARENTS SHOULD HAVE STABBED HIM WITH A COAT HANGER WHEN THEY HAD THE CHANCE due to his lack of knowledge about classic rock, even the really well known stuff, and they included Hot Dog because NOBODY IS EXEMPT FROM RESPECTING THE GREATES RIFFS AND LYRICS IN ALL OF HISTORY!!! So, basically the last half hour was a bit of ridiculing the two newest employees for being born in a time when rock started going into death throes and the best we could offer to replace it was Limp Bizkit. Hot Dog proved himself to be quite a bit more knowledgable despite his age, so the guys stuck to making Jetta feel like shit for not knowing classic rock songs and for also driving a Jetta (cause if you own a German car and thought it would be practical, you have a really warped idea of practicality). The guys decide to introduce a shock collar to this affair because stupidity is supposed to be painful, and if mother nature doesn’t feel like enforcing that anymore, it’s up to us as the few humans with common sense to make sure the stupid are either ridiculed into acting appropriately or killed by their own poorly calculated deeds. Luckily, when this was all finished up, it made me want to put my foor so far up Jetta’s ass he could use his teeth to give me a pedicure after his remarks about The Clash. I was listening to the end of the show on demand, so there might have been more to this segment, or final calls, or someone screaming to start a race war, but all the same I enjoyed what I heard and typing out my unique take on it for all of you. And Iron Maiden doesn’t sound like the Crue, you fucking simpleton.

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/16/2014

Posted on June 16, 2014 by bitPimps 中

MMA shirt? Fine. Hockey jersey? Not fine. I don’t wear either, but I also don’t know about that logic.

It’s like raaaaaayyyyyy-eeeeeaaaaaaiiiinnnnn on your recap day. It’s a freeeeee mustache riiiiiiddddeee when you’re already laid. I don’t know why I just did that, I apologize for that crock of shit. So, happy belated Father’s Day to all you good-ass dads out there. All you shit dads, you can eat shit. Shit mate. Routines are off right from the get go, Jetta & Cumtard are MIA. Ellis & Aubrey thought of an app that will help kick your chewed up wad of bubble gum ass into shape. Dings is there, he just ate, he wants that app, and if he does, he needs to fork over some skrilla. Dingo got his drink on yesterday, Miami lost and people are either talking smack, or maybe they’re not. Ellis’ cable company sucks a mean dick, it a bad way though. It won’t record shows, he can’t get some channels, and by god – they’re fucking expensive. He can’t see American motocross shit, but he sure can see Italian motocross shit – all brappity boppity boopity and shit. Tully thinks the NHL cup finals were “breath taking” and I say totally anti-climatic. Big weekend for the Ellis family, made big daddy Jayce Cakes tired as all hell. He went to a father’s day thing at Carey & Pink’s house, they got a stocked pond and shit. Devin cast her line out and viola! She catches a fish. Tiger busts out his Ironman rod and bam, catches a fish. Tiger had his first big boy crash on the motorcycle this past weekend. He cried but ended up handling it like a champ. Ellis likes his new Red Wings hockey jersey, but Katie doesn’t. Which makes no sense really, which is worse? Wearing clothes that promote a company’s food supplements or a hockey jersey? Riiiight. Somehow discussion turned to shit reality shows on TV, which there is no shortage of, pretty sure that’s all of TV now. Reality shows you make you stupid. Fact. I think. I’m not sure. You feeling alive? Because Tony Gwynn isn’t. Poor dude had mouth cancer and died at the young age of 54. Not to be outdone, Casey Kasem died a day before Gwynn, but he was 82.

Submitting your Wolfknives Membership purchase.

So UFC. I didn’t watch it, neither did Ellis. Kenda was there, but she didn’t really pay attention either. Which leads me to believe I didn’t miss jack shit. Well, besides Andrei Arlovski returning to beat Brendan Schaub. Apparently fans thought the fight was boring and even Dana said he made a mistake putting that fight on the main card and said it should’ve been part of the prelim card. Ouch. Now, on to a more interesting fight. This is of a ghetto fight at a gas station with some black girl beating the shit out of two dudes with her titties flopping all about. By the end, she was completely naked and the two dudes were completely loopy after getting their asses handed to them by Miss Naked Ass-kicker USA. More Wolfknives signed up and got their names today. It seems along with the increased number of members, there is a specific increase in female members, which is cool as shit. So welcome, sisters! Hey, did you know there’s a Wolfknives Member Registry? Well there is, and it’s run by @RainmanRDS. There were some great names given out today. Unfortunately, nobody got Fart Barfunkle this time around, maybe next time.

Did somebody say deviled eggs? I like deviled eggs.

Something, something about Abercrombie & Fitch. I think they’re hurting and may or may not be looking for more washboard ab young men to parade in front of their stores. Time for a Dingo quote! In today’s culture, people look at asses as an asset. ~Dingo And now for some more crazy. There’s this dude that is convinced Stacey, her deviled eggs, and Miracle Whip are straight up evil. Side note, he kind of looks like The Architect from The Matrix, but his logic kind of sounds like Gilbert Grape. This guy is crazier than a shithouse rat on a fishing boat. Remember the guy from last year that got busted having sex with a pool raft? Well, he’s back, having sex with inflatable things again. Asphyxia is back to beat the shit out of Cumtard. The idea is that Asphyxia will be performing some S & M style shit on Cumtard and he has to guess the password to get her to stop. Before we get too far into the whole experience, Dingo had to get his licks in, so to speak, and gave Cumtard a hard slap on bare ass. Cumtard didn’t seem like he liked the whole experience too much, that is until he started getting an erection during the nipple clamp tugging session. One the funnier parts for me was while he was getting waxed & was given the clue of “leader” and he guessed the safe word “Barack Obama”. I hope to Barry that if anyone out there practicing S & M, uses Barack Obama as a safe word – that’s a game changer, politically and otherwise. The torture continued, with a few mishaps here and there, but the ultimate goal was essentially reached. Cumtard in a dress and in pain. And that led us to final calls with the question, would you rather be a bear with a human dick or a bear with a bear dick, but a human mind. I think everyone can agree that bear dicks are gross and you wouldn’t want one.

Toodles!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/19/2014

Posted on May 19, 2014 by bitPimps 中

What’s that? I rolled it again? Oh, you didn’t want me to roll it? What?

Yardsale is back! For today anyway, tomorrow he gets his heart welded on and he’ll need at least 1 day to recover. It’s fucking heart surgery man, so don’t be upset if dude takes a few days off. If it were me, I wouldn’t even be in today, I’d be too much of a wreck to stop puking and shitting. Anyway, you know how he went to race this weekend? Yeah, he rolled his ride again, at least he went most of the race and rolled half way through the last lap. He was 10th out of 18 at that point. But hey, he qualified 17th and at one point was 8th, so that’s doing pretty good for not really being a racer. Besides, Ken Block crashed this weekend too, so there’s that. The main point here is that he had fun. Apparently TJ Lavin did pretty well and Ronnie Faisst sucked. Ellis is trying to stay excited about getting his heart surgery, Tully is excited, and all of Dingo’s innards are revolted at the idea. Dingo was a Jason Ellis Show correspondent at the Street League event this weekend, but we’ll get to that later. Ellis forgot to go on cam this morning like he planned to do each week, but seriously, what’s up with parking tickets in LA, am I right? Speaking of LA, there’s some traveling show about Pompeii or some shit. Why is that a touring festival? That seems weird. It’s like Burning Man, but with lava, pyroclastic flows, and death and shit. I hiked into Haleakalā crater once. Worst experience ever. I thought I was gonna die. Who knew a smoker, hiking out of a crater that doesn’t want to let you leave, in thin-ass air, above the clouds, not wearing sunblock, wouldn’t do so hot in that situation? Looked awesome hiking down, but hiking up was pure hell. Anyway, I’ve gotten side tracked. So dudes, is there a chick you would lock down by getting pregnant? We’re talking you put holes in your condom, but don’t tell the chick so she “mysteriously” gets pregnant and has to stay with you. I guess you have to be clear on your motives. I chose Oprah just so I could make her best friend, Gayle, jealous and be there to watch their relationship deteriorate. Anyway, since Ellis has been thinking about life lately with his upcoming heart surgery, everyone on the show came up with a bucket list over the weekend. But before we get to that, let’s take a moment to realize that Dingo has his own personalized stationary. Fucking. Amazing. Now, on to the bucket lists… after this!

Tired of sitting at work, needing to masturbate, but not having any personal lubricant? Now there’s KY Ink! Sold at stores near you!

And we’re back! Wanna know which 7 jobs have the highest suicide rates? Well just for you, I have the answers! I mean, someone else has the answers, but I can at least link you to them, so that kinda counts, right? What’s up with #7 on the list? The rest made sense to me, but #7 left me confused. So what’s the remedy for all these people in high suicide rate jobs? Get naked and hug a tree. Just go with it, man. Ellis ain’t got time for shit, except putting air in his tires. Turns out, he doesn’t have time for that either because people be blocking the air pump. Then the gas station attendant wouldn’t turn the air compressor on. DAMN THE MAN! Or at least damn the man working at Art’s 76 on Hollywood Blvd. Allegedly. Anyway, on to the bucket lists.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dave! We said get naked & hug a tree. Not just whip it out and start fucking it!

Ellis’ bucket list:

Be number one in radio, satellite or terrestrial.
Race cars.
Have a ten-some.
Own a Lamborghini.
Have a kick boxing fight.
Do a wheelie on a horse.
Not to pay his ex-wife or ever get a divorce again.

Cumtard’s bucket list:

Have his likeness appear in a comic book.
Go to Japan to fulfill his round-eye perviness.
He’d like to fuck a girls butt.
Sell a script he wrote and have it produced.
Do a voice in a cartoon or video game.
Save a life.
Get powers. Like super powers. Which isn’t allowed on the list.

Wilson’s bucket list:

Doing a voice for an animated series. He’s been dreaming of it since he was 9-years-old & even wrote to Mel Blanc.
Have dinner with Jeff Lynne of Electric Light Orchestra.
Own a home.
See a reunited Pink Floyd in concert.
~~Listed on The Jason Ellis Show Wikipedia page.~~
Go on a ride-along with the LAPD.
Wants to see The Jason Ellis Show become the biggest show in the world.

Dingo’s bucket list:

Have a family. Soon.
Go heli-boarding in Alaska with his brother & dad.
Create an award-winning TV show.
Climb Mount Everest
Sail around the world.
I missed it. He went too fast, like he was ashamed.
I missed this one too.

Jetta’s bucket list:

Visit space.
Sit courtside at the NBA finals
Visit the deep sea
Die on film, like fake die on TV or a movie
Write a book
Go see the Amazon rainforest
To be in a massive, no rules, food fight

Tully’s bucket list:

Make at least two more solo music albums
Make a third album with someone he really respects
Make some sort of meaningful contribution to the comedy of someone he likes
Open a sandwich shop that he can afford to run into the ground
Get a fancy, fully stocked, kitchen like they have on TV
Be able to fly to several NBA playoff games first class style, hotel, food, etc.
Have convincing cybersex

Next up, what kind of unusual shit have you fucked? After this!

Carol & Jeff paid good money for these trafficked kids, only to find out the kids are broken. Don’t let this be you. Buy your slightly used kids from Nike!

And we’re back! Ellis will be live on his website at 7PM. Every Monday at 7PM and every Wednesday morning at 8AM. All times are Pacific. So eat a piece of dog shit, you sum bitches! Ellis’ beard is getting really big, it’s grown up right before his eyes. Dingo doesn’t like it, he refuses to kiss a grape from Ellis’ face with that monstrosity. Get this shit. The Spanish town of Fort Kill Jews is set to vote on a name change, the proposed new name? Fort Hill of Jews. Not much of an improvement. Police say a man in Murfreesboro, TN tried to have sex with an ATM and later a picnic table. Wood on wood, that’s a recipe for fire. Tiger & Devin aren’t getting along lately and need some separation time. Ellis woke up with a pee boner. Someone’s watching porn and it’s not an adult. And that is a good segue into the unusual things callers have fucked. In no particular order:

You ready? We’re gonna fuck this Big Mac! No? What about this pickle? Why not? You can’t be so picky!

Prosthetic titties in a dressing room. He came on the titties. Think about that the next time you’re trying on jeans.
A pickle. Yes, the food item. He says it was like a little green pocket pussy. Nothing like a Kosher Dill to get you in the mood!
A Big Mac. A fucking McDonald’s Big Mac. He only did it once though, so it’s cool, right?
A friend’s mom’s underwear. It’s no Big Mac, but it has potential to be pretty gamy. I’m not terrified by this one.
A medical doll. Like the kind you practice medical shit on, putting catheters in, etc. And he finished in it. This guy was a security guard. In other words, a serial rapist / killer in training.

Dingo is totally cool with being nude or having sex in front of people he knows really well. Was this a hint at his willingness to participate in a potential ten-some, or maybe just sit in the dark corner, watching it all go down, and jerking off to it. Bellator 120 fights were this weekend. Does anyone give a shit? How is Bellator even still around? I don’t know, go Google that shit. Speaking of shit, next up is our man on the beat with his ear to the street reporting not live from Street League, Dingo! But first…

Are you raising little shits that think it’s funny to practice CPR on a tube of toothpaste? Great news! Now you can hire Wanda, the meanest bitch this side of hell. She’ll teach them through the ancient art of ridicule and physical punishment. They’ll get to watch nothing but Judge Judy and CSPAN. They’ll eat what they’re given or they’ll starve. By the time your little monkeys are back, they’ll be addressing you as “Lord” or “Lady” and helping to clean the house, even messes they didn’t create! Act now!

And we’re back! Remember when Christian came with the lyrical only version of Katy Perry’s “Firework” and Ellis put out the call for people to pump that shit in traffic with their windows rolled down and Instagram it? Well it’s going to happen again. But this time, try to really get people to notice and react – but do it nicely. It’s meant to brighten up someone’s day, not a chance for you to be a rude dick. You could win a Wolfknives package and/or a Red Dragons package. And now, over to the extreme sports desk with Dingo. Wait, scratch that – technical difficulties. Wait. No. Scratch that too. Technical difficulties have been fixed. Shit. Wait. No. The audio is not up to Ellis’ standards, it’s not Dingo’s fault, this isn’t his job and he’s not used to this recording stuff. Poor Dingo. He tried and got a lot of people there to give him a minute or two to talk to him for the show. But it just wasn’t cutting the mustard so it was breezed by quickly and cut short. Sorry Dings. Time to talk to callers. Or maybe not. Not unless there’s a guy who had sexual relations with a dead chick. Also, Catheter Ablation, look for the new hit single this summer! I’m just gonna end it here because my daughter has some important shit to tell me about Butterfinger cups. Everyone here at NYA is wishing Ellis the best of luck with his surgery tomorrow and for a speedy, but more importantly, successful and healthy recovery! We’ll have our #1 guy back as soon as possible I’m sure. All hail the king of the west!

Meet Dennis. He’s a dumb motherfucker that doesn’t know how to hotdog. He also probably works for the government. Don’t be a Dennis. Call NYA Tech University today to earn your hotdog degree today!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/12/2014

Posted on May 12, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Dingogram!

What’s up with Monday sucking so much ball gravy? Getting real tired of your shit, Monday. Happy late Mother’s Day to all the baby mamma’s out there. Hope you had a good day, because it’s back to your normal bullshit now. So you might still be something when you’re dead. I mean, that’s not confirmed, there’s some investigation and science that needs to happen, but it might be true. Ellis is going to find out soon enough when he has his heart surgery, then goes to Peru, and then trips on ayahuasca. Aubrey’s done it, Joe’s done it, and they’re smart and still here and functioning. I think this might be the first subject on the show that Dingo hasn’t pretended to be an expert on, so I think we all might need to trip balls a few more times just so Dingo has to do more psychedelics just to catch up to the rest of the world. Not to be mean of course, just to rub it in, in a friendly manner. He’s ready to go to Peru and take a mind trip with Ellis, Tully however, is not. Speaking of Dingo, he went to Malibu or some shit this weekend and saw a bunch of famous people like the handsome John C. Reilly. Dingo will also be going to Street League and Ellis will not. Dingo says he would be willing to try and get interviews for the show, which is cool, but Dingo has let Ellis down before so let’s not get too overly excited just yet. Dingo also has been going to Vegas to be in Lil Jon’s video or some shit and pouring champagne on motherfuckers and passing out shots. He’s been doing it for years so he’s totally unimpressed. OVER IT. He misses his cues, he fucks up and sprays champagne at the wrong time, he falls off the stage sometimes. He don’t give a shit. He’s in Lil Jon’s video, what does he think about it? Big whoop. Here’s a link to the “official” video that Dingo is not in and here’s a link to the other video that Dingo is in. (around the 2:28 mark) According to Tully (and The Source “Dingo”), Lil Jon is a really nice guy. And that may be true, but this is without a doubt the most I’ve ever discussed Lil Jon and that makes me feel weird – so it’s time to move on.

I’m in the bathroom with Kenda.

Is finger banging and old lady like putting eye cream on a set of old wrinkly eye lids? Do animals lick each other’s genitals? Tully & Dingo say no, Ellis says yes, so then Dingo says yes. As it turns out, bats suck bat dick, or at least the lick bat dick. Tig McPickles is getting into some shit at school, not listening, saying his dad would kick another kid’s dads ass, etc. Papa Fifty is almost dead or likely to die sooner rather than later, he also has his own Instagram now. So UFC was this past weekend and Tully lost his bet, because he put his money on the Brazilian bitch, who of course lost. Looks like he’ll be spinning the Wheel of Doom. Kenda called in to talk about her titties and how much she desires them to be sucked on – just kidding – it was MMA News. Kenda lives in a condo with a community pool, she’s sitting by the pool now, waiting for someone to come suckle her teets – just kidding – she’s in the bathroom of the community pool taking a dump – just kidding – she’s in there so she can talk while her phone is plugged in to her ass – just kidding – it’s plugged into the wall. She recently had a wet dream about Ellis – just kidding – it was a dry dream, but Ellis was in it. Michael Sam got drafted into the NFL as the 249th pick by the Rams, if you remember, he’s the openly gay football player from Missouri. He cried and kissed his boyfriend and as you might have guessed, some people took issue with that.

Coming in hard with some factual shit.

Tully stepped up to spin the Wheel of Doom, he landed on “Spanked by Will” and he has to fart, or possibly shit, and piss, so he has no idea how this is going to go. To get things setup, Tully pulls down his pants (underwear on), bends over Will’s good knee, and gets spanked so he learns his lesson. Learns it real good. Now everyone wants boner inducing spanks from Will. Time for a history game between Ellis and Dingo as hosted by Mike “My Ass Is Kind of Stingy” Tully. Who was Machiavelli? He was a drug running in the 1400’s who invented pizza, rode horses with a saddle, and started the movement of separating Sicilian and Italians. Who was Mussolini? Another Italian, a general, started a revolution when he invented the dumpling during a war with the world for the second time, and was executed for his evil empire against pastries and music. AIDs, it jumped from monkeys to humans because the junky monkeys shared needles, then someone cut a monkey, fuck it, cut it up, sliced them selves because the Slap-Chop™ had not been invented yet, and then under cooked the HIV monkey and BAM! You just got the AIDs. Why did Muhammed Ali refuse to be drafted into the war? He was Muslim and said that’s bullshit and then served some time for that shit and there ya go. There was a Rocky Marciano movie, what the fuck do you wanna know about him? He used to do shows, people hired him to do stand-up at bars, and he drank a lot, fucked a carrot and that’s how we got stuck with Carrot Top. Dingo was born, in a world, in 1986. But that’s also when the Russians got nuclearized by Chernobyl, fish got 3 eyes, bitches got 7 tits, and there was all kinds of fucked up shit, all the Gernobyly people got died unless they escaped to LA to block Ellis’ driveway. Right around the same time, Maria Shriver married Schwarzenegger, created a nice little family, stopped blowing Arnie, she turned bitter, he turned bitter, she fucked herself, he fucked the maid. That or she’s the freaky one and wanted him to fuck maids, get them pregnant, and call him a pussy while she rubs one out in the corner. William Shakespeare wrote plays, worked for French people and shit, and if it wasn’t for him there would be no Spielberg. The Red Baron is a dog or a chicken who loves also loves chicken and flies a dog house with wings, he was a Nazi and killed mad people and children, also his pizza is complete shit. Charlie Chaplin was a famous entertainer, his house is now a Russian restaurant run by Australians, he owned more property than anyone else in LA, and was very dark and would do creepy shit to women, he was a real loose unit, and Hitler stole his mustache. Abraham Lincoln was huge, he invented a car, he was a dark human being, he tried to free the blacks with commandments but with more important shit, he wrote a bunch of shit down that said “this is what’s up” and changed the game. Democrats shot him because they knew Obamacare was coming. The Civil War, what was so civil about it anyway? It happened on the east coast, red coats versus blue coats, no motherfuckers thought of wearing camouflage, nobody knew how to step out of the way of shit that can kill you, they were pretty fucked up. We watched Mel Gibson’s son die because of some cocksuckers, and if it wasn’t for Colonel Gibson, we’d all be eating French bread, all over a racist confederate Texas flag while eating blacks, which is crazy because blacks fought each other to see who could get eaten first. Dingo remembers North, South, East, West by reciting a cute little phrase, “Never Eat Soggy Weetbix”, so maybe that will help you to remember the four major points on the compass too! And there you have it, hopefully everyone learned something.

I’ll get off your toilet for a measly $6k.

Mr. T won’t get off the toilet for less than $100k or some shit, so let’s see what it takes to get some other celebrities off the shitter. Jose Canseco got paid $100k (?) for his last celebrity boxing thing. How much to get Carmen Electra to show up at a party? $100k. How much to get Huge Jackman to show up to your shithole? $250k. How much to get Puffy to show up and shut up? $500k. Pauly Shore? $30k, buuuuddy. Wendy Williams? $10k. Drake? $1M James Earl Jones? $1M. Chelsea Handler? $100k to show up, $150k to bang her. Cher? $1.5M to show up, $0.75 to eat her out. Mötley Crüe? $150k. Khloé Kardashian? $150k + $100k in food. Slayer? $30k. Avril Lavigne? $350k, no touching. Conversation turned to ayahuasca again and we got calls from listener’s who knew a guy who knew a guy who saw a guy at a truck stop who told about a guy that knew a sherman who puked and shit himself and talked to dead people who didn’t drink coffee. It was a real eye opener – just kidding – it was fucktarded. We heard about some stupid bitch in Edmonton who attacked a dude on a subway in Edmonton, of course it’s a fucking world star video. This was a perfect lead into final calls – sadly nobody dropped a “world star son, world star, world star, world star” until they got shot. And that, my friends, wraps this baby up nice and neat like a turd with a bow on it. Enjoy it. Love it. Make out with it. Peel your banana to the left, peel your banana to the right, peel your banana and uh, take a bite! YAY!

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/7/2014

Posted on April 7, 2014 by bitPimps 中

Tie-dye is coming back? It’s only a matter of time until crispy, crimped 80’s hair comes back too.

It’s fucking Monday, you motherfuckers! Let’s fucking see what the motherfucking show has for us motherfuckers today. Well, the fucking white boy is back intro is back in rotation, which I think is a good thing and so does motherfucking Wilson Pendarvalis. Fucking tie-dye has apparently come back, according to motherfucking Dingo and Tully – Tully even saw that fucking shit at the motherfucking Gap. Alright, fine. I’ll scale back on all the “fucking” and “motherfucking” – for now. Dingo didn’t realize Ellis had already spilled the proverbial beans on their make-out session from last week while they were at the Chateau Marmont. Oh la-la! I don’t how this guy ends up being a topic on the show as much, but Sal Masekela talk came up. I don’t even know why or how he fits into the divorced chicks & people kissing other people at the Chateau conversation, but there ya go. Since Ken Block & his wife were there, inevitably, we heard about how rich he is and nobody really knows how he’s still so rich, and he has a waterfall and hot tub and shit. This beget discussion about Ellis MiniMoto Mania and how even though it’s meant as a PG-13 event, there’s no promises a titty or a “fuck” isn’t going to be making an appearance at some point. Super dad weekend sounds like it went off pretty well, Devin even kept her word and rode even though she was really hesitant and had a few freak out sessions. But she did it and that’s what counts! Oh, and she’s okay with shit now too. Ellis almost pulled Fifty’s head off because he kept fucking with Tiger and being a dumb dog. He also ran over Burger because she’s a dumb dog too and tried to bit the tire of Ellis’ bike. The first hour was filled all kinds of information (such as Dingo’s “friend” named Stephanie), stories, and what-not. But the main thing I would like to bring attention to is the fact that Dingo did not speak over anyone in the first hour. So shout out to the man with the luscious locks! He’s becoming quite the radio professional.

Contrary to what you might think, this is not Dingo meeting people.

What’s Nick Lachey up to these days? He and his wife Vanessa Minnillo left their 18-month-old son at home for a quadruple date with friends where the group ordered red snapper tacos, celery root ravioli, chicken and waffles and warm donuts for dessert. This mega-breaking-story could only be trumped by one thing and one thing only. And that is the fact that Dingo has met Vanessa before. The guy has literally met everyone. Actually there’s another Dingo story we need to discuss. He went to a taco festival Saturday, came home and cough-vomited all over his balcony. Speaking of cough-vomit, we have a porn star named Siri in studio now. From her own Twitter profile: “The face that fucked a thousands dicks.” She’s there to try and record some lines for the show intro. Dingo could care less that’s there’s a porn star swinging a kettle bell in front of his face, he’s got Hollywood shit to do. She did her thing and just like that, she was whisked back out of our lives and out of the studio. But before she left, she left us with a parting message of having 10 guys cum on her head, and it wasn’t even on video, it was just a Wednesday. So real quickly, we go back to the sports desk for some Moto News with Dingo. Villopoto retains his points lead, Stewart has moved ahead of Dungey who is in third and the injured Chad Reed has finally dropped off the top 10 list. Now over to the new desk with Tully for a story about a listener who stuck a ball pump needle in his dickhole and tried to pump up his junk. Quickly back over to Dingo for some piss talk which Ellis isn’t too jazzed about because god damn it, THIS IS A FAMILY SHOW! Just kidding, he just doesn’t want people to think he and Katie are constantly giving each other golden showers. Anchorman 2, Dingo and Tully hated it, while Ellis and Wilson thought it was awesome. Wilson thinks maybe they didn’t like it because they’re fucking assholes. This of course led us to talk about Sea World, orcas, and nice cows. Ellis is starting to feel weird about eating cows because they’re so damn nice, or so they want you to think, and that’s when they attack! Total dicks.

Get ready to learn, it’s history lesson time with Ellis & Dingo!

Frank DeCaro will be on the show tomorrow, which gives us a perfect segue into Napoleon’s little dick. A British show called Dead Famous DNA says it has confirmed that Napoleon had a “very small” pecker, measuring in at a whopping one-and-a-half inches. On this very day in 1947, Henry Ford died, and contrary to popular belief, he did not invent the car, he invented the assembly line. Motherfucker found a way to pump out Model-T’s while inadvertently destroying the lives of future American workers. Tully continued testing Dingo & Ellis’ knowledge of other historical facts about Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, George Washington, Pocahontas, and more. It’s always an entertaining time to hear Ellis and Dingo spill their vast knowledge of history. Well motherfucking fuck-shit. My computer is all fucked up and now I’m frantically trying to get this done from my wife’s laptop so I can try to fix my motherfucking machine, so bear with me here. Wilson came in the studio and sounded mad, said he wasn’t going to discuss something or another with Ellis and that he knows what’s what because he’s no dummy. I have no idea what that was about. Tully does not currently have a special place where he wants to fuck his wife other than the bed. Brock Lesnar still has diverticulitis. Cumtard still has diarrhea, which has been going on since last week. They Skyped up potential fighters for the biggest loser fight at EMX, one stand-out was John. Apparently he’s an ex-wrestler (or maybe current) and a large dude who is also a gym rat, allegedly. He seems like the kind of dude that’s going to turn someone’s ass into a pile of chewed up bubble gum. David Letterman is retiring, Micky Rooney and Peaches Geldolf are dead, like my motherfucking computer, and Octane is unsurprisingly playing horrible music at this very moment – and probably at any given moment. Shout out to Rural Radio. Ted Nugent is a racist asshole, there’s a Goonies sequel in the works, and Trick Daddy was arrested and got plump. There was some more but motherfucking fuck that shit, I’ve got a computer to toil over. Final calls. Bing-bing-bam-popcorn and the shows over.

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Tag Archives: Tiger Ellis

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 7/29/14

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/16/2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/19/2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 5/12/2014

Show Re-Cap for Monday 4/7/2014