Tag Archives: Mike Tully

Show Recap for Thursday 6/12/2014

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Have you ever gone to a hoity toity event and been realllllllly under-dressed compared to everyone else who is in a suit while you wear a hoodie and watched some old guy with Ed Harris mostly no hair haircut jump and dance around with some hot chicks to some song that he really liked and thought he was a dickish moron for a minute but then have a life changing thought and just been like, “Wow, that’s a happy dude. Good for you, happy dude, have a great night?” No? Oddly enough, I have, but that’s another story entirely.

Ellis jumps right into it this afternoon on The Jason Ellis Show, maybe because yesterday he cut out early to go get Doug with High and then go to a breast cancer event like the good, caring guy that loves da boobies like he is. After going to the Breast Cancer event that was probably a Susan G Komen event Ellis feels like he wants to do good things to help fight breast cancer, because it didn’t sit well with him that so many women get it and that in the African American community women who have breast cancer are 70% more likely to die from it. Damn. That’s scary. Tully brings up that he finds it surprising that there are so many women who really aren’t on top of checking their own boobies and making sure that they aren’t getting cancer because women are generally more on top of their health as a whole. Which is generally a true statement and probably attributes to the whole ‘women tend to live longer than men’ thing, but Tully then brings up that he has always taken healthcare for granted because he has almost always had health insurance and he feels like he’s wasting money if there’s something off and he doesn’t get it checked out by a doctor because he’s fucking paying for it anyway. Well, therein lies the rub, cause there are a lot of people who don’t have health insurance and going to the OBGYN when you have no health insurance is fucking expensive. And don’t give me that whole planned parenthood/clinic angle either, because they don’t just give away free healthcare either, they go based on your income and there are plenty of people who have an okay income and no health insurance and that means that you are paying a lot of fucking money for preventative healthcare and then you can’t eat or feed your family. It’s a clusterfuck. Ellis and Tully also bring up that it’s important for all you men out there to pay attention to your bodies and check your boob area (because men get breast cancer too) and their ball sac because…if you aren’t checking your balls for lumps or if you don’t notice a lump on your balls basically as soon as it happens…what the fuck are you doing all day? Seriously?!!!! This is why women should play with their boobs while they masturbate or while they’re having sex…it’s dual purpose happy fun sexy time and making sure you’re all good in the hood. Hell yeah. Ellis used to think it was weird when girls played with their boobies during sex acts, but he’s alright with it now, and Tully has alllllllways thought it was a good thing because he learned all that he needed to know about sex in his formative years from 80s porn and 80s movie fake sex. Personally…I know my boobies are all kinds of good because I’m a big fan of playing with them and touching them. Not just during sex or if i happen to be masturbating. I am known to randomly, throughout the day to stick my hands in my shirt and give them a good caress. Because I am a hot, sexy, bitch. And, yeah, Hubbs has actually had to remind me that people can see me and to try not to do it too much in front of customers because they might get the wrong idea. Oooops. But, also, you’re welcome. And, hey, if you aren’t in the position to do pushups during Half Time on the show, do yourself a favor and feel yourself up and make sure that there are no lumps and bumps where there shouldn’t be.

Quick shoutout to Mike In Canada and his dad, by the way, who had a 22lb mass of cancer removed three days ago and is doing well and the doctors are giving the thumbs up. That’s awesome. That’s some pretty serious shit. 22lbs. That’s bigger than a newborn. That’s like a decent sized 3 month old. Glad all is well Mike in Canada and Dad, and I know I’ll be sending some good vibes your way to ensure a speedy post-surgery recovery, and I’m sure a lot of Ellisfam is going to be good-vibing you guys as well.

Aside from being busy donating money to Breast Cancer research and taking amusing photo booth pictures with his hot girlfriend Katie, yesterday, Ellis was Getting Doug with High. So Doug with High, in fact, that he left the show early to do it. He has a steady 50 minute smoke-fest with Host Doug Benson and fellow guest Sam Tripoli….who does not smoke weed. And they apparently were ripping pretty hard and that made Ellis talk too much and make fun of Sam’s haircut a bit too hard, but Ellis had a good time and that’s what matters. I didn’t watch any of it, but Tully played a clip of when a magician with a googly eye came round to do some magic tricks and it sounded pretty funny. Ellis was able to call bullshit on two of the guys tricks, but didn’t know how the third one worked, so he said that one was ‘pretty good’. He also apparently caught some flack from people for how he approached the fact that the magician guy had a googly eye…because he did it in his very unabashed straight forward manner that we have all come to know and love. But…how else was he supposed to react to it? He would have asked the guy about it anyway, and he was high on top of it, so…why not just go for it? It’s better than him trying to pretend that it didn’t exist. He said that he talked to the guy…whose name started with a G but I managed to not write down, and the guy liked Ellis and they were cool and fuck all the haters who hate Ellis for being the guy that he is. Boom. Sam got progressively more quiet as the show went on and managed to not talk at all past one point, but I kind of remember Doug Benson saying that it happened with more people than you would think when they came on the show, because it all of a sudden hits them that they are smoking weed in front of the cameras and that shit used to be Hella Illegal everywhere, instead of just the mostwheres that it’s illegal now.
Goodtimes. Goodtimes.

Moving right along, there was a quick mention of the fact that Ellismania 10 might be on the East Coast, at which point twitter exploded, but there was much more focus on the fact that TJES will be at Racer’s Edge for another round of Go-Karting on Friday 6/27 and there is something that occurs to me is important about that date that I should probably remember…but I can’t remember and hopefully I remember before the time comes around. Hmmmm…shit….this is going to bother me really bad. But yeah, there is going to be some more go kart action and hopefully this time Tully won’t get a speeding ticket on his way there turning him into a top contender for the Vagisil 2001 race…even though I guess he would kind of have to be in that race anyway, right? There are a bunch of people already signed on to participate in the Ellis-Karting including Moto enthusiast Greg Fitzsimmons, Andy Dick, Dingo, Christian Hand, Frank Kramer (Heidi and Frank), and…schedule permitting- Kenda Perez and her fabulous bouncing boobies. They get drawn back to the subject of boobies because they want to see bouncing boobies in go-karts and possibly give Kenda Perez a free and friendly pseudo professional breast exam, and the only names that really get brought up are Sam Rubin (but Will’s boobs are bigger than his) and the Porn Star Elizabeth Star, but her boobs are killing her already without the added help of bouncing go-karting and potential crashes (not to mention the innocent bystanders who might be taken out as well).

The one thing that Ellis didn’t get to do last night was watch Hockey and see The Rangers beat the fucking Kings. Finally. Don’t tell me that The Kings are the better team, I’ve been a Ranger fan since i was four fucking years old and i am well aware that The Kings are an all-around better team and I know that 98% of the reason The NYR are even in the Stanley Cup Finals is because of King Henrik…but FUCK YEAH! TAKE THAT! BOOM! THAT WHOLE GAME WAS A FUCKING CIRCUS!!! I’m kinda sad that Ellis missed it because it was a very exciting game and I know that he’s trying hard to get on board with Hockey and he’s enjoying it, but there was a lot more scuffling in the game last night and two players even got penalties for said scuffling. I think he would have enjoyed it. There was a lot of talk about how the Rangers prolly won’t come back to win The Cup all during which I was yelling at the radio because I am a Ranger fan and I will go down yelling at the radio because if i don’t believe that the Rangers can make a comeback and beat those fucks out in LA (sorry…really nothing personal) then there is no chance of it happening. I truly believe this. Make fun of me all you want. If i could grow a beard, I would have a beard. Hubbs and I shall be wearing the same jersey’s tomorrow night, and I forbade his dad (who watched the game with us and is therefore now included in all superstitions) tfrom trimming his beard. Boom. Let’s go Rangers. We want The Cup.

What Ellis did manage to watch last night was Magic Mike, because, why the fuck not. It actually came down to ‘Well, it’s on television and it’s not bad enough for me to change the channel so…’. And Ellis really didn’t think it was that bad of a movie, and that turned into a whole shebang that I’m pretty sure most listeners didn’t want to hear. At all. Yeah. I saw the movie when it came out because all the girls are work wanted to drool over PermaDumbface Tatum and I find McConaughey sexy enough to be convinced to go along with them…and it was amazing and horrible all wrapped up into a movie about mostly naked guys. Tully tells Jason that Magic Mike was Channing Tatum’s baby because Channing Tatum used to be a male stripper…and there was lots of talk about strippers and stripping and judging from my twitter feed…basically none of you wanted to hear it. So…I will nutshell it to- It would probably be really bad for there to be a male fan strip contest at Ellismania 10, because…yeah.

Back from the first break it’s time for some MMA news where there’s kicks and punches and arm bars and all sorts of things going on and people taking TRT. Which is the real issue here. The Nevada State Commission of people who make things more difficult for older fighters to fight have made using Testosterone Replacement Therapy an illegal thing in the UFC and that’s eliminated people like Vitor Bellafor unable to fight anymore because it’s not easy to get off TRT when you need it…and you can’t really get that shit unless you need it. Most recently in the news, Chael Sonnen has also been banned for using the TRT (actually for using things to try and get off of TRT). Ellis is kind of behind Sonnen because the fighter is owning up to using the drugs and not contesting the fact that the drugs were found in his system. That’s called taking it like a man, ladies and gentleman. It’s sad that we are having to say goodbye to some MMA greats because of these new rules and because there was nothing written in to the rule that allows the fighters a period of time to get off of the stuff, but there are a bunch of exciting new up an comers in the UFC and MMA that we’ll be able to watch for years to come.

Now for some Hollywood News!!!! Who Cares??? I dunno…but there are people out there who care about things like Halle Barry having to pay her ex $16 Grand in child support/spousal support, so I’ll take the time to mention it. That’s a lot of money, but she’s in the new X-Men movie, so she can probably spare it with the change in her pocket at the end of the day. Either that, or we can look forward to a good decade of Halle Barry and Nicolas Cage movies that are gloriously horrible. In other Hollywood News, Master P has lost custody of 4 of his children to ex wife Sonia Miller. He didn’t show up for a court date related to the child custody case in a misguided attempt to dispute the custody case which he alleges was brought against him due to his ex’s greedy need for money to support her party habits, when in reality, he probably should have tried showing up and exposing the ex for her booze-hound ways. More kids of celebrities in the news are the late Michael Jackson’s progeny Paris, Blanket, and Prince (who may not actually be his children by birth and are more likely babies brought from Russia) who get a yearly allowance based on the worth of Michael Jackson’s Estate (which is only making more and more money since he died) and that allowance has risen from 5 million per child, per year, to 8 MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS PER YEAR, PER CHILD. HOLY FUCKNUTS. I can’t. I just can’t. What do they do with this money…whatever they want, basically, those lucky lucky kids. Damn. Damn. Damn. I can’t talk about this. Can I have an 8 Million Dollar allowance? I mean…even if it’s only a one time allowance? I’m pretty sure I can get some mileage out of that. Sigh. In some other Hollywood news, R. Kelly’s 14 year old child recently came out to the public as Transgender (female to male) and it’s reported that R. Kelly hasn’t spoken to him or doesn’t even know about it. Ellis decides to reserve judgement until it come’s from the horse’s (R Kelly) mouth, and that’s some pretty heavy shit to deal with, especially considering the Hip Hop Scene (I feel soooooo lame saying that for some reason) and their general feelings toward the LBGT community. There is some talk about how Ellis or Tully would cope with a child who comes out as Transgender at such a young age, because once you get into surgery there’s no coming back from that and that’s a pretty drastic undertaking for someone who isn’t a legal adult. But, in the same breath, forcing a child to go through puberty and develop sexual organs that they don’t feel like they should have could be pretty psychologically damaging. That’s pretty tough. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d never try and interfere, I guess, with how my child perceives him or herself, but surgery…man…that’s tough. The only person I know going through the transition is my age (27) and has been living male probably since we were around 18 or 19…but is still in the process of having the surgery. And that’s a lot for him to deal with as an adult…so…being young like that…ugh. Ugh. Life is confusing, guys. And also, Gwyneth Paltrow thinks that water has feelings. Ha. Good thing she’s hot.

Time for Half Time! Push ups and Breast Exams!!! and a break!!!

Back from the break there is some pot news!!! There is now a cannibis oil infused lube that gives woman a sexy kind of high because vag’s have super absorby membranes and HOLY SHIT I JUST REMEMBERED THAT THIS VERY SITE, NO YOU ARE, GOT A SWEET SHOUT OUT FROM TULLY!!!!! All thanks to the Bitpimps, who was conversing with Tully to get a copy of the Jason Ellis Skateboarding Game for the site, which led Tully to register Tweetagram.com aka THE Holy Trinity of Social Media on the Internet (maybe) and yeah…that shout out happened and I was all #boom and felt cool that the wonderful guys here like me and asked me to write for them and I got all nostalgic over my fifteen minutes of fame one year ago in August where my blog was read on air and the warm fuzzies ensued…and I’m really so happy to be a part of something like this. I get to write, I get to interact, I get to hang out with the cool kids…it’s a pretty sweet deal. Thanks guys!!! Hi Tully, if you’re ever reading this, I want to be your friend and talk about books and writing and shit and be lame and annoying and have nothing to say to you regarding Hair Metal, but plenty about babies and marriage and stuff. *waves frantically like a geek*

Okay..so…where is Chad Mendez? Who is Chad Mendez? What’s going on with Chad Mendez? Chaz Mendez is an MMA fighter in the same camp as TJ who was on either last week or the week before (aka The Guy who one punched his way right past Ellis’ punch pad record) and gets trained by Duane to kick better ass in the Octogan. And…at this point I was only half listening to the show because my kid is home and I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with him last weekend while Hubbs and I were in Jersey so I allowed myself to be super distracted by him and his cute tales of his life since I last saw him (he was asleep by the time we got home Sunday, Monday, and fricking Tuesday :( ) and I’m kind of over the whole  let’s have a fighter on to talk about fighters because I feel like every other show one or two is on and all it really says to me is that Ellis is really itching to get back to training…but the major points I pulled out were that he is slated to fight Jose Aldo, the champ, who has previously knocked him out, but he has been training hard and getting better and Jose Aldo has kind of plateaued, everyone at the camp has known each other for a long time because they mostly came up through wrestling and that’s a pretty small community, their gym is awesome, Ellis is going to go to the gym, he’s fighting Jose Aldo at UFC 176 on August 2nd, and some fat guy tried to fight him in a bar once and Chad slapped him and told him to sit down. He can jump super high, has a girlfriend, didn’t punch the pad, and would not kill Ellis’ parents dressed up as a bear, but maybe as a Cougar.

There was another break and my sirius got a little weird for a minute, and when it popped back in Ellis had mentioned something about Joel and Benji and it took me a minute to figure out what they were talking about, but it had to do with the paparazzi and the private lives of celebrities and TMZ being crazy and paparazzi being sleazy and the whole pedarazzi thing and then the show went out with a don’t die question of ‘If you were 12 years old and had 8 million dollars a year to blow through, what would you do?’. And you know what? A whole lotta callers would want to be Batman. Who the fuck wouldn’t?

Things we learned on TJES today:

Tully is on top of his nuts

Ellis wants to bang an Oil Miner, Crossfit Champ, and Tennis Player

Twitter is 50% fake outrage

It’s fun to fuck with Same Tripoli

McConaughey had to lean back real hard in Magic Mike to make his abs pop

Girls are basically dudes…we’re just better at diguising it

Blanket Jackson should be referred to as Bill from now on

Liz Taylor’s Vergina (Tullyism) has been closed for years

You’d cry too if you were being ‘healed’ by a moron

Petite Mousey Girls are hot

 

My son just told me that he misses me every second that I’m not around and I had one of those ‘I love you so much I might die’ moments…so I’m gonna go be a mom for a while. Love you ellisfam!!!

EllisMates Skateboarding Game

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This is the skating game Tully bought for $5. He has this note for you:

PLEASE READ:

(A) Apparently this game only works on PC laptops!
(B) If it murders your computer, it’s your fault, not mine!

* Note: By downloading this file, you accept responsibility for any and all damages that may occur to your computer. Tully, No You Are, Sirius XM, Walmart, Fareed Zakaria, Oprah Winfrey, and anyone else in the world (other than you) cannot be held responsible.

That being said, this file has been scanned by 40 different scan engines. 0 out of 40 scan engines detected a threat (click to view scan results). It likely does not contain any malicious threats. It is a 32-bit Windows executable.

Ellismates_Skateboarding.zip (11.7 MB or 12309764 bytes)
MD5:  BBCEA351906FA5F51174437CBB05E89F
SHA1: 51D305F12475A6FEEB3B69BB158741EC2DE5173D
SHA256:  1E9090F3CFC834378845841916C6B8753CCBBDFAA163485F165C8D47D8AC4557

Show Re-Cap for Tuesday 6/10/14

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Holy fuck, just as I wrote the title for this post, I realized that if you add up the last four digits of today’s date, it equals six, which means all you need to do is put another 6 at the end and you can make today Satanic and sacrifice a goat on your balcony after work and maybe your upstairs neighbors will get the god damn point and clean up their busted kiddie pool from the back yard so the landlord can stop posting notices to all the tenants not to leave trash lying around!!! Math is good, it can make any day a gift to our dark lord and master. Speaking of darkness, it’s time to listen to a man who claims to be black due to a minor percentage of his bloodline being Fijian, Jason Ellis!!! Today, the show got rolling with how fucked up kids need role models in the form of adults who were fucked up kids but are not quite as much anymore, cause when you used to be a fucked up kid with sorta shitty parents, but you grow up to be alright, it kinda behooves you to pass that along so that everybody’s not a total shithead generation after generation. Ellis, I think, is feeling good about those times when he does say the right thing on the show and somebody treats themselves and their offspring a little better. Jude stopped by, and if you’ve read Hyena or listened to the Foreally Show, you would know that he could definitely chime in on this subject. After discussing how Jude’s intro needs to be condensed into a simple description as a black white guy who hates the system regardless of how much he’s benefited from it, Tully asked Jude about Ellis’ thoughts on talking to kids with shitty parents, and as much as Jude wants the rest of the world to crumble under it’s own stupidity, he’s totally down to be a role model to kids. The guys kicked around ideas for how they would go about telling kids that shit ain’t always gonna be as fucked up as they think, and it sounded like a good bunch of stuff swirling around the room. The guys talked about their fucked up parents and hard living for a while, as most of us can probably do for hours on end, given the opportunity. It all boiled down to giving up the teddy bear and finding something to do with your hands that’ll keep you showing up and answering to somebody for something, otherwise you’ll have endless free time to fuck your life up. The guys talked a while about how poor people and rich people raise their kids differently and a lot of it has to do with the stress of not knowing if you’re gonna keep a roof over your head, and the calmness of knowing you’ve got nothing but time to focus on your family. Jude made the point of reminding everybody that wealth is almost impossible to get without being born with it, cause ‘Murrica. Jude and Ellis talked a while longer about the ridiculous shit that used to come spilling out of their dad’s mouths, which I took to heart cause I had years of that shit myself and it’s mentally taxing but I can laugh about it when I repeat it to other people. After talking a while about alcoholic parents and AMC’s Mad Men (returning this fall!) the guys switched to talking about how New York’s public transit system really contributes to alcoholism, but doesn’t help anybody in a game of hockey. Then there was more general talk about hockey and team sports in general, which I don’t follow any of so it all flew over my head like an Amazon Prime drone delivering a 5lb bag of Haribo sugar-free gummi bears to somebody committing a gastrointestinal prank against their frat bros (Google the product reviews, a biblical plague inside of someone’s bowels makes them a writer far and above the caliber of those of us here at NYA). There was more talk of influencing the kids though skateboarding or Muay Thai, but it’s all gonna have to wait until Ellis is off the blood thinners cause it’s not good for him to be getting cut right now. Jason has finally given up the quest to complete the OSbourne family guest appearances, as he’s sick of not getting any feedback from Kelly Osbourne on twitter so he unfollowed her. Probably means nothing to anyone else, but for somebody who loves Ozzy so much, it had to be hard for him to do. In other news tough, Chael Sonnen is not gonna be allowed to participate in UFC 175 due to the new rules regarding testosterone replacement therapy! But don’t feel bad Chael, I got a bunch of credit car processors that could do to have their heads kicked into a fine slurry simply so that I can get things done during the day without having to waste so much time and high blood pressure on telling these people what biblical plagues I will visit upon them with an improbably large penis and the spinal remains of their children. The guys took a break to regroup and play some old school Prince Of Darkness in honor of his daughter not ever coming on the show.

 

The guys came back to talk to Michelle Waterson, the @karatehottieMMA on twitter female MMA fighter who has been known to bounce back from a pregnancy and fight professionally in less than a years time. Michelle and the guys talked for a while about the struggles of parenting and still trying to be a professional fighter. Michelle gave birth at home with no drugs in the water, and while I would normally automatically dismiss this as someone just being a god damn hipster and praying that they get sucked under a truck on their fixie bike, this lady could probably snap into me like a slim jim, and she’s also been on American Ninja Warrior, so even if I think it’s true, I’d never say it to her face. There was more talk about fighting and moving from one of the other organizations all the way up to the UFC someday. Michelle has also been known to dabble in a bit of modeling and stunt work, most notably MacGruber (yep, that movie that the obscene cum noises came from that the guys like playing so much). Michelle also was on Bully Beatdown that one time, so of course it had to be asked if Mayhem tried to get a piece of it, cause she is Asian, and we all know Mayhem (Allstate!). The folks all talked for a while about how to control your kids’ behavior by feeding them the right foods and keeping sugar to a minimum. With the last few minutes they had Michelle on the phone, they drafted her to be a future sideline fighter at an upcoming EllisMania, which would make it a lot more interesting, seeing as a 105lb lady kicking random people in the face would be a fantastic sight and adds greatly to the comedic value. Have you heard that Bill Gates (the anti-poon-tang) is investing millions and millions in trying to develop the next generation condom, so that men won’t be so lazy about using them and keep making idiot babies for MTV shows and passing around the herps? Well, you’ll be delighted to know that one of the ideas that has been sent his way is the very same rubber undies that the guys were talking about yesterday afternoon! The only problem is, your average guy is gonna sweat in them and develop some pretty mean athlete’s wang. Plus, the condom part is kinda screw on and seems like just a bad idea all around. There’s a show in Australia called Bogan Hunters (on channel 7Mate, yes 7Mate) and it’s a reality show about hanging out with metal heads or something of the sort, and of course Tully had an episode primed up to give us all an inside look at how Australian heshers party. Now, most reality TV is pretty well scripted, and I can certainly detect elements of this in the audio, and as you might expect, everything was just as Australian as you could possibly expect and alcohol was flowing like urine from a Betsy Wetsy doll with a medicine ball on it’s stomach. Jason was generous enough to pause the audio and translate some of the slang so that all of us would know what “pulling a root” means, or what a “slab” is. Cumtard interjected that it was similar to Jersey Shore, but Jason equated it more to Hoarders, both of which make me despise humanity, however Bogan Hunters was a pretty friendly exchange and Australians are cut off from the world, so they gladly accept any and all who arrive on their shores to break the monotony of looking at the same bunch of Australians from birth to death. Tully remembers when he had to put his foot down on the beer selection at his wedding and it turned into him basically telling his mom to get some fucking culture and try new things. This all got kicked off by the conversation about how many different kinds of beers there are at an average 7Eleven in this day and age. I’m surprised that with Tully having actually been to Japan, that he’s never been into a Japanese 7Eleven. According to a news article I read, the coffee there is superior quality to anything you can get at Starbucks, the food is restaurant quality and not just the same rotisserie crap they have here, you can buy hard liquor and interrnational plane tickets, and pay your college tuition, ALL AT A FUCKING SEVEN ELEVEN!!! TELL ME I’M STILL IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH BITCH, I FUCKING DARE YOU!!! LEAVE YA MOTHER FUCKIN HOUSE AND LEARN YOU SUMPIN!!! *ahem* so the guys talked beer for a while, as well as Doritos and how Monster Energy might as well just powder up that energy blend and make some Monster Breakfast Doritos that the kids can freebase out of a light bulb. There were more ideas for the cross promotions that Monster could do, like Monster Milk, or crystal methamphetamine! WILSON stopped in for a bit because there were Wolfknife names to give out, and we salute all the newest members of the ranks: Dick Jackoff, Wolf Nugget, Lick Dickson, The Lone Boner, The Other Lone Boner, Escargot-Nads, Cunt Succubus, Gringo Starr, Rigor Morty Freedman, and Insecure Vag. After all that, the guys took a breather to get over the Monster and Doritos cereal that Tully crushed up like a handful of oxycodone and railed up off of the desk.

 

The boys came back from break and after pounding out 20 pushups, Tully let us all in on a little secret: he headbutted a security gaurd after he took a piss yesterday during a break. Put the fucker on his ass and just kept strolling, cause THAT IS WHO THE FUCK MICHAEL TULLY IS BITCH! Then there was some talk about Game Of Thrones, which I didn’t watch cause there just seems to be a certain cheese factor to it and I find myself far more entertained by other things on most Sunday evenings. Mickey Avalon is being sued by his maid because she allegedly electrocuted herself on his poorly maintained oven. Most of the case is because he didn’t provide workers comp, which would be fair if Mickey Avalon lived somewhere that was worth providing workers comp for you cleaning lady, if you even had one at all. Buck Angel (FTM transsexual porn star that’s manlier than most of the people you probably know) is getting a divorce from his long time wife and trying to get $2,000 a month in spousal support from the wife cause fuck it, somebody’s gotta pull it off for us eventually. All that Hollywood news means nothing though, cause the real story is that Joanna Angel is in studio to put stuff on a blindfolded Kevin Kraft’s balls. You may remember the last time she came by to do this, and Kevin produced one of the greatest metal high notes in all of history when Joanna put worms on his balls. Joanna and the guys threw around ideas for new movies (porno and otherwise), as well as just some run of the mill jaw jacking amongst friends. They all traded stories about the adventures that came about in making The Woodsman and how Joanna tried to use that movie in a reel for her own acting career and her agent told her that just wouldn’t fly cause what the fuck is The Woodsman? And that was all well and good, but it’s not the reason Joanna’s in the studio today. For today’s episode of the Smartest Box In The World, the mystery substances were some random porn star’s semen, duct tape, sandpaper, a cactus, barbecue tongs, Jetta’s tongue (not really, it was a pig tongue, but they kept the gag going cause Kevin’s reaction was priceless), a shock collar, a feather duster, pubes (which required Jetta to break out the dustbuster for some extra torture), worms (again, but a different kind from last time), an unusually sharp and grabby feeder mouse, and finally itching powder cause it wasn’t enough that cum, cactus thorns and mouse claws are all irritants, so why not grind some irritant chemicals into the wounds? The guys gave the Tard a chance to go clean up and took another break to assess the psychological state that would make a person want to participate in such a hilarious form of torture.

 

In the last half hour, Joanna and the boys discussed the lamest thing that’s ever made them cry. Joanna got a little teary eyed watching Orange Is The New Black, but was quickly outdone by Tully crying explaining a Morrissey concert to his wife. However, not one to be overtaken, Joanna recalled a time when she cried watching a Motley Crue concert, cause seeing an aging hair metal singer who killed someone in a drunk driving accident literally hit the wall musically just has to be a traumatic experience. The guys took some calls about the lamest thing everybody’s cried about but that was quickly derailed by the fact that nobody was calling. Tully found a news study in which male face bones have evolved to absorb punches, so fellas, if you punch somebody in the face it’s not doing as much damage as you think. Stick to body shots, well placed you can shut down the liver and put a mother fucker on the floor instantly. A few folks called in to tell their stories about the lame shit they cried about and nobody bothered answering the phones, so Joanna and the guys just started talking about music and movies that are really sad, like that Johnny Cash cover of Hurt, which I can no longer listen to cause it got ridiculously over played and I kind of preferred the original anyway, but I can see why that might make someone tear up. Tully howenver, took the opportunity to be Tully and perform a posthumous character assassination of Johnny Cash’s last few albums and cover songs and let everyone know that Rick Rubin was the one really pulling the strings. So, phone calls, sad stuff, one guy had a cat that he got right after 9/11 and it died and he cried when he lost the phone where he took all the pictures of the cat, but then he found the phone again so that was lame. Joanna once cried after banging somebody and letting things get weird cause when you’re a girl you don’t always make complete sense in all the things you do. Another guy called in to tell everybody about how he cried like a little bitch over the movie Dumb and Dumber during the scene when they sold the dead bird to the blind kid. Twitter rose up like a torrential wave of bullshit over Tully’s remarks on Johnny Cash, and much as the internet does, it got everything wrong and blew the whole thing out of proportion, and then the townspeople rejoiced when Tully agreed to go to rehab for his musical taste. Someone else called in to tell us all about how he cried over some techno music after he let a hot girl convince him to take ecstasy cause GOD DAMMIT THE CRESCENDOS MOTHER FUCKER!!! Joanna once cried when she didn’t have a good breakfast of Monster and Doritos and late in the day she went to brunch with some folks but GOD DAMMIT THEY STOPPED SERVING BREAKFAST BEFORE NOON AND SHE DIDN’T GET THERE UNTIL 1PM!!! IT’S A CRIME I TELL YOU!!! WHO WILL CRUSH THIS WOMAN A BAG OF DORITOS AND POUR MUSCLE MONSTER STRAWBERRY ENERGY SHAKE ON IT FOR HER?!?!?!???! ATTICA!!! ATTICA!!! *ahem* So anyways, a few people cried watching Dogg: The Bounty Hunter and Extreme Makeover Home Edition, one guy called in to say he cries every time he listens to Pearl Jam, and Ken Block’s personal mechanic cried watching the car he built win the world rally cross championship, which is at least understandable. And that was pretty much it, so next time you cry watching My Little Pony, just know that it’s perfectly alright to masturbate using the tears as lube.

 

Red Dragons, Mother Fuckers ,,rr,

Show Re-Cap for Monday 6/9/2014

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party-it-up

Drunk Dingo at Diddy Jr’s party.

Welcome (English), ulihelisdi (Cherokee), bienvenue (French), herzlich willkommen (German Gaper). It’s another Monday recap with your bestie-cakes, me! Okay, so maybe we don’t know each other well enough to best friends, but we can change that – and that’s change you can believe in! Ellis is super excited to be here today, things are looking great for him because he feels like he’s got 7 million balloons tied to his pants, he feels light. And he’s excited to make all kinds of money and move in next to rich fuckers and ruin their days. Haircuts. Ellis had a bowl cut when he was young, it almost turned into a bob. Guess which younger, male, Ellis is not allowed to have a mohawk or a shaved head? Hint, his name rhymes with Liger Tee. Dingo was at Diddy’s son’s birthday party on Thursday and got wasted and isn’t sure what he said, but he knows he let loose. He was there getting blasted with basically just the family, minus Puff – he didn’t show up until way later. Everyone was singing Happy Birthday to Diddy Jr. and cracker-ass Dingo couldn’t clap in rhythm with everyone else. Speaking of singing Happy Birthday, Tully and his son sang Happy Birthday to Mrs. Tullywong. It was just as embarrassing because it’s just 1 adult and 1 toddler singing. Speaking of toddlers, Ellis and Katie went to a gay pride parade on Saturday. There was a whole lot of talk about dudes fucking dudes, supposed 24 hour anti-AIDs pills, and pubic hair, more than I will bore you with. Basically, it sounds like it was exactly what you might expect it to be. FABULOUS!

hitting-on-kenda-perez

How I picture Kenda when Ellis is hitting on her.

Will’s still faithfully training for his fight with Cumtard, straight up in his shorts and ready to rock’em sock’em by the time Ellis gets to the gym. Which begs the question, does Cumtard even know about the Madden brothers and the X-Games? Just go with it man, segue’s be damned! So that gracefully leads us into Kenda Perez on the horn and not hung over to talk about the UFC. She was in Albuquerque, New Mexico for the fights, she even hit up a bar to watch, but not participate in line dancing. She smelled all kinds of that sticky icky green skunk bud in her hotel, and apparently Dingo thinks that means a smell of sex and not pot marijuana. Tully was in Albuquerque once, his room had bullet holes in the door and a duct tape repair job on the toilet, so we’re talking upscale shitting here. Anyway, some people fought during UFC Fight Night and apparently there was some whack-a-doody stuff that went down, but honestly, I’m just not feeling it so you’re gonna have to go look on the lines yourself to find out what all happened. So Dingo practiced his American accent with some “cheeseburger” and “cheese steak” drops. He’s about halfway there to an American accent, needs practice. He doesn’t get most of our National Anthem either, until it gets to the “live free” part. Again, just go with it, I think he’s mixing up the song with the Die Hard movie. So everyone on the show is trying to watch hockey a lot more, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t – but hey, at least they’re trying. Tully likes it when the guy skates behind the other teams goalie and everyone’s all like “ooooohhh, which was is gonna go, is going left, is he going right, nobody knows!” And Ellis likes it when the guy passes behind his back and people fake fall. Dingo just likes the National Anthem, you know the part.

sherk-werk

Ermahgerd! It’s sherk ners!

Wolfknives members, you wanna choose some music? You can still send in some picks for songs to be played – so there’s that. You’re probably not gonna get 311 played, but you can try, you dick. Shark news time, directly from the ocean. Scientists were puzzled by a 9 foot great white shark that got eaten. Turns out, it wasn’t a fucking Kraken or Godzilla, it was a colossal cannibal great white shark that ate it. BOOM! I break news and hearts, y’all! Also, the Loch Ness monster is full of shit, man. Hey, some how you can win a download code the new Linkin Park album for something or another, and the upcoming UFC fights, I don’t think you have to do anything for it, it’s just how Ellis feels at the moment. So good luck with that! It’s time for some history lessons with Ellis and Dingo. 20 years ago, the “Hollywood Madame” was arrested, who was she? She was a coke ho, she had a book, she showed everybody her black book of ho’s, and dick sizes. That last part might not be correct, but let’s not mince cocks here. On June 8th, 632 AD, Muhammad the Barbarian died, he started a religion, not cheeseburgers. Ronald Reagan was a movie star, became a politician, and he invented Star Wars but gave Lucas the rights to it, and Marilyn Monroe was his bastard child because Presidential loads were flying all over the place back then. The 19th amendment was passed to give black people a mule and some acreage since we treated them like shit. Some good movies came out in 1989, but the crackdown on drugs came to hardcore fruition in Tiananmen Square and unless you were in a strong relationship, you could only have 1 child, also California rolls were invented. Babe Ruth invented the candy bar, he was a drunk, beat his wife, and slept with everybody. He was the fattest person to point at the sky and hit a ball right up the sun’s ass. Deep throat, he worked for the FBI, knew the secret to awesome blow jobs, and shared that information and gave free demonstrations, and that’s where Tommy Lee Jones got all wrinkly. Amy Fisher was an ice skater, she broke some hot Asian chick’s legs, and then got shot in the face with some fat dudes load. Brothers Lewis and Clark were boat enthusiasts that flew around the world and made shoes. They’d buy Chinaman and trade them for blacks, 2 for 1, it was a fucked up time around the Louisiana Purchase era. Is your head spinning from all this very factual information in this history lesson? I know mine is! See, who says learning can’t be fun?

So remember how Tully mentioned he, Will, Cumtard, and Jetta all invested $20 each of their own money into the show? It was revealed today they got on fiverr.com and paid for people to do make things to help promote the show. None of them were worth $5, much less the time it took to send an email. Well, maybe the chick singing Who Let The Dogs Out, that might of been worth the $5. Sounds like maybe this $10 game Tully had made might also be the best thing made and represents the show better than all the other stuff. This brought us to final calls and the question, what would you do if you had a “Get out of AIDs free” pill for 12 hours. Apparently Rik Mayall from “The Young Ones” died at the age of 56, that show was fucking great, so that sucks. And on that note, I have a massive headache, so I’m done staring at this screen. Don’t die!

Bonus: Here’s @McKaI86 pretending to be Bane and talking about TJES.

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Bonus #2: “The Party”

Recap for Thursday June 5, 2014

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Welcome to The Jason Ellis Show hosted by that guy that we all love with the big powerful voice that can rule the world with his mouth. Boom…did you get that Cullen? Hahaha…I got a good chuckle out of that…but if you’re gonna rule the world with anything, why not your mouth? Especially when you are Jason Ellis, Kind of the West? All sorts of appropriate inappropriateness. Getting right into it, the thing that you have been waiting for that you probably weren’t aware that you were waiting for: Today is the day of the Pile of Shit Games!!!! Woo-hoo! The crowd goes wild! There is cheering and jumping and yelling and riots in the streets because no one knows what the hell is going on anymore!!! Well…the Pile of Shit Games is TJES answer to the shittiness that has become the X Games. They are surely going to be bigger and better than the X Games could ever hope to be, as they are happening on TJES, and because *cue the big booming crescendo-y music* Sal Masekela is going to be in studio today to do what he does best and commentate the Pile of Shit Games. By the way, from this point on the Pile of Shit Games will be referred to as the Excrement Games because one listener is a fucking genius and should have been at the meeting yesterday. Ellis and Tully are super pumped about having Sal Masekela on the show because he is a super cool guy, and they have been trying to get him to come on the show for years. Years! Since Tully was a producer! That’s how many years! Ellis is so pumped on it himself that he’s not even really going to believe that Sal is actually going to be on the show until he sees him there in the Green Room, and who can blame him since apparently they would always get sososososo close to having him on the show and then *poof* no Sal Masekela for Ellis, or Tully, or Jenni. Yeah…I threw myself in there. Fuck you.

In other news, while they’re waiting for Sal to either show or be a no show Ellis talks about how he watched Hockey last night. And Hockey is kind of Mega. Better than Football, mega. So Mega, that if aliens came from another planet to judge us based on the sports we play, they would think Hockey players are the most skilled athletes out of all of the athletes on Earth because damn, there’s a lot that goes into it. Ellis said that 90% of Canadian fans were super thrilled that he was finally giving Hockey a shot, and probably are even more so now that they know that he enjoyed it and didn’t think it was a big wank. I know I’m all squeeeeeeeeeee that Ellis enjoyed the game because I loooooooooove Hockey. It is the only sport that I am into and HOLY FUCK THE RANGERS ARE IN THE STANLEY CUP FINALS!!!! They haven’t been in the finals in forever and the last time that they won The Cup was legit 20 years ago. I was seven, in the first grade, and there was only one Islander fan who was booing the Rangers the entire time and his name was James. I remember his last name too, like the creep that I am, but I feel like it’s weird to go blasting it on the internet 20 years later. The Kings won the game last night in OT, and Ellis tweeted some sort of LA Kings positive tweet and a fan got on him for being a jump on the wagon type of guy, which is bullshit, because Ellis just wants to try and get into Hockey for his fans. And yeah, Hockey fans are kind of assholes because no one likes Hockey until they love hockey and there are a tone of people who start loving it this time of year because it’s the finals and that shit is super intense and exciting and some next level shit.

AND HOLY CRAP SAL MASEKELA IS IN THE GREEN ROOM RIGHT NOW. Except…not right now…this was like…5 and a half hours ago right now. You know. Whatever. BUT HE IS FINALLY ON THE JASON ELLIS SHOW!!! Cue the entrance music and stop flexing at Ellis through the glass and get your butt in there, Sal Masekela!!! Sal sits down and tells Tully that he caught him Wikipedia-ing him and there was a little sidebar about how Ellis stays away from Wikipedia because it’s kind of bullshit and people change shit around on there just to be dicks. But, Sal Masekela, ESPN correspondent, Red Bull, Clippers Fan, all around awesome guy, is in the studio. Ellis and Sal reminisce for a bit, Sal tells Ellis that he loves Katie and loves seeing his life on Instagram and that he gets a little envious, and they discuss why Sal isn’t with the X Games any longer (they didn’t want to pay him the money that he deserved, and he was getting all excited over the direction that Red Bull was going in) and to be honest, my SiriusXM app was acting like a dick and I kept missing chunks, so I don’t know exactly what they talked about, but when it started working again Sal was telling a story involving George Clooney and an interview that he did with him and how he was traveling with someone else from the same network that he was working with and that bitch was a straight up bitch. And then…the reveal. The bitch. It was Giuliana Rancic. Yeah…that bitch. But, Clooney, being Ca-looney saved the day by being his all around spectacular self and when Giuliana went over on her interview time (they were both supposed to get 7 minutes and she went for 12) Clooney told his publicist that no, Sal Masekela does not have only three minutes with me, he gets to do his interview. Fuck you. I may or may not have added the fuck you. Whatever, Sal says that life is too short to hate on people like Giuliana Rancic, but she’s not nice, and Ellis says that he and Tully will hate on her on his behalf, as well as because they just don’t like her to begin with. She looks like a Chihuahua.

Back from the first break….Dun da-da-da, it is time for the Excrement Games to begin!!!! Sal Masekela slips right into super professional announcer voice and the games begin with the first event- Thumb Wrestling. The first round of thumb wrestling was between Jetta and Tully, a man with a 32″ vertical jump and a 31″ penis and it is a short, but heated match-up. In the end Tully triumphs over Jetta and his floral sneakers, and it goes to Kevin ‘The Man Who is 90% Shit CumTard’ Kraft versus Jason ‘Fuck Your Paper and Your Words’ Ellis. If you were on the edge of your seat reading this wondering who would triumph…you sir, are a moron. Of course Ellis and his Man Hands came out on top of the cyst-y sweaty thumb of CumTard. Silly reader. Next up is the match between Tully and Will, which is more of a nail-biter, because Tully faces elimination at this point, and then gets eliminated, leaving the final round between Will and his girthier than Ellis’ hands and Ellis’ Jiu Jitsu thumbs. There was some back and forth, a quick attempt at submission by Will that Ellis sprang out of just in the nick of time, and some serious yelling by the guys as Ellis becomes the first Medal Winner of the First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by the Jason Ellis Show and hosted by Sal Masekela.

They move right in to the Second Event which was a sexy round of Shake Weight Stare Down!!!! First up, Sal Masekela throws his hat in the ring for medal contention and goes up against Ellis to see who can jack off a shake weight while participating in a staring contest. Sal ‘Two Hand BC Have You Seen My Dick’ Masekela didn’t last long against Jason ‘Don’t Make Love Eyes At Me’ Ellis because he blinks when he cums and Ellis has a beautiful orgasm-inducing face and then there is some talk about how the Shake Weight is the worst thing ever, but the makers of it undoubtedly made a shit ton of money because people are done. Then there was a quick chat about how it’s only okay to cum with your eyes open if the other person isn’t looking or if there is a big, mutual romantic stare down thing going on, and then the second pairing of Michael ‘Eyes Like a Reverse Salamander’ Tully versus Kevin ‘Eyes Will Steal Your Soul’ Kraft. CumTard was the quick winner of this round, as Tully is a rather blinky fellow, and it is time for Ellis and Cumtard to duke it out for Gold while making really offensive faces at one another. But, as we already know, staring into Ellis’ face is the quick path to blinking because it’s hard to stare into something as glorious as the sun for long without blinking or burning out one’s retinas…which I’m sure would also cause you to blink, or close your eyes to staunch the flow of bloody tears falling out of your eye sockets. Jason Ellis…the man with the face who will make you cry blood tears. Before the break Tully informs us that Aubrey Marcus from Onnit will be calling in shortly to continue his series on getting us fucks to be a little more healthy on the daily, and Sal Masekela mentions that starting the Paleo Diet changed his life, because when you start to be able to see the Finish Line, you need to evaluate the things that you are doing in your life.

As we rejoined the show back from the break Sal has put on his sunglasses in an effort to be more like Big Daddy Jay and comments that Ellis really is the best. Ellis talks about how it’s crazy that this is his job because it’s not even really like a job, it’s just awesome, but Sal gives those of us who aren’t a part of OfficialJasonEllis.com a peek behind the scenes of what goes on during the break, saying that they function like a well oiled machine and that Ellis and Tully have the utmost respect for one another’s ideas. Woo! But Aubrey from Onnit is on the phone to keep telling us about ways to have more energy throughout the day. Last week, for a quick recap, you can check out my recap…hahahahahahahaha. This week…he’s phoning in (but not phoning it in) to tell us that we will have more energy in our daily life if we work on eliminating stress from our lives and toxins from our bodies. Humans apparently, weren’t really made to be as stressed as we have all become, we’re supposed to be chill most of the time and then the stress response was supposed to come into play in short bursts like, say, if we were being chased by a predator. Stress releases a hormone called cortisol, which is fine in little doses, but kind of sucks for all of us in the levels that are built up from chronic stress, and cortisol depletes brain function, halts digestion, and affects a bunch of other processes in the body because it’s prepping all of that extra blood to go to things that we would need to function if we were running away from a predator trying to eat us for dinner. So, what are ways that we can work on dealing with the stress? Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as ‘letting it go’ for most people as Sal Masekela suggests, but there are some simple things we can do, like chewing gum (natural sugar is better than fake sugar…or try toothpicks), music, laughter, being in nature, and meditation. Meditation can be tricky, and if you don’t have the time or resources to head down to Peru and try Huachama and Vilke like Aubrey did to help figure out the state that you should be in to get all meditate-y, you can check out sensory deprivation chambers, which will put you in a similar state. There’s also yoga. Yoga is all kinds of chill. I agree with that. I’m turning into a real yogi and that shit is wonderful. Another thing that we can do to up our energy levels is to stop ingesting toxins. At this point, if you’ve been paying attention, we’re pretty aware of what’s in food, drinks, cigarettes, and things like that that are bad for us, but we should also be paying attention to what we put on our skin. Why? Because between 65 and 100% of the chemicals that are in things that we put on our skin get absorbed through the skin and go into our bloodstream. The scrotum is the best at absorbing these chemicals, so stop slathering lead paint on your balls, guys, and the other big offenders are the forehead and armpits. Try switching to organic deodorants that don’t have aluminum and shit like that in them. Also, your toothpaste has a shit ton of chemicals in it, and though we’re not quite sure yet what all the flouride is going to do to us, wouldn’t switching to an organic toothpaste be better?

Back to the Excrement Games, it’s time for Event Number 3- Mario Kart! It’s a rousing round of Mario Kart that the guys play, the leader constantly switching between Jetta, Tully, and Ellis- Will was playing but even though he’s the father of three boys he has absolutely no skills when it comes to playing video games and I’m pretty sure he was never actually in the lead. Jetta, taking advantage of a green shell that Tully expertly aimed at Ellis, who was in the lead, comes from behind and wins it in the third lap, giving him both his first medal and his first gold!! I mean, really, his nickname is Jetta, after his car, at least it almost sort of makes imaginary sense that he won the Mario Kart game.

Event Number Four in the Excrement Games is a Best Trick Competition using the Ken Block RC Cars. Ellis doesn’t want to go first, not wanting to risk that the other guys will copy his sweet moves, so CumTard is the first one to give it a go. He thinks it will be a good idea to drop his pants and display his leather thong while trying to jump his Ken Block car through a piece of paper and from one ramp to another. He fails, because he is CumTarded, and Will is the next one to go…and it looked like he was going to go straight out of the window. But, he didn’t because Jetta and CumTard form a human shield against the window and it winds up not mattering because Will misses and fails to inflict any bodily harm. Ellis is up next and he is going for a classic ramp to ramp jump, nothing complicated, because why pull out all of the stops and give it away to a goober? But! Gasp!!! Ellis jumps the car short, and it is all coming down to Michael ‘I’ve Been Waiting For This My Whole Life’ Tully who tapes some deodorant to  the top of the car and goes for a ramp to ramp ‘Double Pits to Chesty’ AND HE FUCKING NAILED IT!!!!!! At this point Sal tells Tully that he always knew he was a funny guy, but now he knows that Tully is actually a comedic genius, and Tully takes the time to thank his sponsor LinkedIn and his Dark Overlord, Satan.

There’s a quick stoppage in the game for a medal count, which at this point lies thusly, with only 2 events remaining:
CumTard; 1 Gold Medal
Sal Masekela: 1 Bronze Medal
Jason Ellis: 1 Gold Medal, 2 Silver Medals, 1 Gold Medal        IN THE LEAD
Jetta: 1 Gold Medal
Will: 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal
Tully: 1 Gold Medal, 1 Silver Medal, 1 Bronze Medal

The Fifth Event in the Excrement Games is Rock, Paper, Scissor and they get into it with Will calling out Tully for the first round. Tully’s rock crushed Will’s scissor and he waits on the sidelines to see who he will face in the semi-finals. Jetta’s paper would have covered CumTard’s rock, but Jetta gets DQ’d by Sal Masekela for not adequately throwing out his hand, and CumTard goes to wait in the wings with Tully. The third round in the preliminaries is Ellis versus Sal, and Ellis destroys Sal’s scissor with his mighty rocking fist. Boom. CumTard sizes up Tully and deftly cover’s Tully’s rock with his Paper, and the final round is CumTard versus Ellis in a Best of Three. The first round goes to Ellis. The second round goes to CumTard. Everyone is on the edge of their seat to see who is going to bring home the Gold in this event. There is a misthrow, which Ellis wins, but Sal calls for a re-do. Again…the tension mounts. Who is going to win this EPIC Rock, Paper, Scissors Throwdown? Who? Will it be Ellis, the favorite? Or will it be CumTard, The Underdog? The guy that if Ellis weren’t facing off against, that Ellis would root for, because Ellis loves an underdog? One, two, three!!!! And Jason ‘I Mine Gold For a Living’ Ellis DESTROYS Cumtard and brings home yet another Excrement Games Yellow But Supposed to be Gold Medal!!!! The crowd goes wild! It’s amazing!!! Ellis starts crying and thanking Odin and women are weeping and their panties are dropping….it’s EllisMANIA. Ha.

Time for the Final Event- Hoola Hoop-Off! Of course it’s not at simple as just hoola hooping (which is not simple, in my opinion, because I suck at it) but has the added twist where the hoola hoop-ee will also be under fire by the gallery who are all armed with rubber bands. Will is up first and he manages a respectable guy time of 2.91 seconds while being blasted by rubber bands. Cumtard is up next, pantsless in his leather thong, and lasts a surprising 13.38 seconds, his hips swiveling with such a force that the sight of his dick is unleashed on innocent bystander Sal Masekela who then nails Cumtard in the dick with a rubber band without even looking. Jetta and his coordinated shoes and shirt are up next and he only lasts 2 seconds because Tully couldn’t even press the stop button fast enough. Sal takes up the hoop next and lasts 3 seconds, putting him in silver medal contention, but Tully talks a big game as he picks up the hoop for his turn. He lasts longer than Sal, who calls bullshit, and Tully offers to go again and lasts only 1.34 seconds…or definitely not as long as Sal, so that is the official time. Last up, here comes Jason ‘I Got Kids Motherfucker’ Ellis with a mind boggling 18 second long Hoola Hoop!!!

And that’s the games folks!!! The First Annual Excrement Games brought to you by The Jason Ellis Show and Hosted by Sal Masekela have come to an end!!!! Ellis is the undisputed winner of the games, and Sal doesn’t want to go, but his hot publicist is giving him the ‘It’s Time to Go’ face. He wants to come back soon, and says whenever he’s invited and is in town he will definitely come by. Tully asks him how he feels about being bitten by predators, and since he has no problem with that so long as they’re not venomous, it seems like Sal Masekela might be back sooner rather than later for Sting Pong.

Back from the last break…Tully brings us a news story involving cops and their wives and their swinging ways and the fight they all got in to and pulled guns and nonsense and a cop called the cops on the other cop because cops should probably never be involved in Swinging because there are only two kinds of cops: Fat Cops and Cocaine Cops. The Don’t Die callers are calling to answer the question: What would you do if you just won Gold in the Excrement Games and you got to go home and Fuck your boyfriend who is Al Pacino? My Answer? Lots of lines off of Al Pacino’s cock, that’s what. ;)

Things We Learned on TJES today:

Katie’s Dick Tattoo was just a Sharpie…they’ve got kids, guys

Ellis has a kind heart, but sometimes he’s insecure and hungover and mean to people

Ellis’ cock is back to 150% following his heart surgery

TJES is 360 degrees of awesome lately

Tully would be an evil mastermind of doing insane shit with $100,000 if he were a billionaire

There should be a porn chick named Allie Money

Welcome to the Pack New Wolfknives!!!! Spaghetti Nachos, Leg Room, Scabby 2 Dope, Cock Lightening McQueen, D-Rob, Scleroshima, PooFingers McGee, Juice Hooker, Alligator Snatch, BILF, Bitch Little, Helicopter Plastic, 4 Potatoes and A Log, Dr. AssTeeth, Byron Cullen, Illegal Beefstorm, and Clark Gable!!!!

 

 

 

 

I fucking loved the Excrement Games!!!! Can there be summer and winter ones so I don’t have to wait a year to hear this all again?!?!?!?!?!?!?